1)Understand that No Contact is for yourself, not as a tool to get your ex back
No contact is for your own personal development. The problem with working on yourself to get your ex back is that it is mere surface-level work that crashes down the moment you start feeling your ex truly forgot about you and moved on. You will find yourself back in step 1 of the healing phase. Even if you did get your ex back, another breakup is inevitable with that mindset. A happy future, whether getting back together with your ex or a brand new chapter, can only happen when you use no contact as a transformative tool.

2)Understanding that No Contact success isn’t primarily measured by emotional relief
Emotional relief is not the primary indicator of no contact success. This is because the pain can numb overtime, but one can still be a slave to attachment. One of the main purposes of no contact is your emotional development. There are many indicators of emotional development, a primary one being a better relationship with your grief.

One can only heal from grief by healing and accepting and embracing change. A breakup is like a death. Your old self is dead. You’ll never heal by staying your original self because healing demands adherence to the unfamiliar. 

3)Reshape or rebrand your environment (internal and external)
Imo, the perfect no contact strategy demands a complete change to your environment. You should move to another country or city, start a different career, change your hobbies, and build a new social life. However, as we both know, this is not feasible for most people.

For starters, try changing your room. Throw away all belongings reminding you of your ex. Delete all messages. Sell any gifts your ex gave you. It'll be painful at first, but it will speed your healing in the long run. Put a pause on old hobbies and start new ones. They’ll likely remind you of your ex. Join a therapy support group and make friends going through a similar situation. 

CHANGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PHONE. I cannot stress this enough. Technology is going to throw so many reminders of your ex at your face. Don’t just block your ex. Delete your social media. Have a friend set a lock on your phone to prevent you from using any kind of social media. Start associating your phone with a different purpose.Maybe change your phone to a gaming phone and start downloading a bunch of games on it. Give your phone a different purpose, preferably other than social media.

Finally, change your relationship with yourself. Practice self-care. Eat healthy. Go out to the gym. Learn that there's more to life than a relationship. Treat yourself like a drug addict undergoing rehab. A quitting drug addict experiences physical and mental symptoms like mood swings, constipation, headache, insomnia, etc.,

4)Build a relationship with your inner-critic
No contact is painful because your inner critic  is constantly telling you that your ex is your only source of safety. It's like a puppy tugging your pants, trying desperately to guide you to safety. Instead of pushing it away, validate your inner critic and tell them that it's okay. This new adventure is nothing different from a rollercoaster. The scariest part is usually the beginning(not always tho) and they are safe to ride on. By the end of the ride you'll feel rejuvenated more than ever. The new journey will also have tons of positive experiences. Personalize your inner critic. Give it a name. What clothes does it wear? How does it look like? Who does it remind you of? 

5)Embrace the unknown
Embracing the unknown means to stop fearing the future without your ex. One of the biggest reasons why no contact is so hard is because your ex was your “other half.” Now that they are gone, you are left with half of your identity gone. The only secure and healthy way to refill the void is by filling it yourself. Do some shadow work and learn more about the underlying mechanisms that propel your breakup pain. For most, breakup pain stems from an underlying issue that's been met with invalidation. Therefore, it's a good idea to get a therapist’s assistance.

My ex and I broke up 2 years ago. I initiated the breakup and no contact because he wasn’t treating me well while he claimed in the same breath that I was the love of his life. It was an emotional breakup, we both cried.

A few days ago, I finally gained the courage to send him a follow request on Instagram. I couldn’t break no contact for years because I was so hurt by his actions and I needed space. He begged me to be friends at the time but I just couldn’t do that until now.

He accepted my follow request/followed me back within hours of me sending him one and he reached out to me. We had a nice chat catching up that ended in a natural lull. I was buzzing with excitement, I was so happy to be talking to him again. Then at midnight that night, he set our Instagram chat to disappearing mode (it’s still on to this day) I was really confused by this and tbh I still am. I also took a screenshot of our conversation (not out of malicious intentions, just an accident), but it notified him due to our chat being on that mode and he saw it. I was mortified but I left him alone. I haven’t reached out since and neither has he.

Tbh my mental health these past few days has been awful. I have been having meltdowns and I feel like everyone hates me, when in reality no one does. My brain is not being nice to me rn due to this (I feel like he hates my guts and it is wrecking me more than I anticipated) and I regret sending him that follow request in the first place.

Some support and kindness rn would be nice, I just wanted to vent.

Hello! We broke up 3 years ago and I want to apologize again. Im kinda schizo not gonna lie, but there have been a lot of weird activities on my phone. Do you think thats a good idea with the letter?

I met someone on Reddit and we got really close over time. We used to talk for hours about literally everything. It felt like we had a genuine connection, and I got attached to him without really realising how much.

During this time, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and I tried to be there for him as much as I could. I listened to him, supported him, worried about his health and genuinely wanted him to be okay. Obviously, I could only do so much from behind a screen, but I tried.

The thing is, I never really understood what we were to each other. We only spoke on Telegram. He never gave me his number or added me on Instagram, so there was always this part of his life that I wasn't really a part of, despite how close our conversations felt.

At one point, he disappeared for a few months. I have severe anxiety, and I kept wondering if he just didn't want to talk to me anymore. I continued messaging him occasionally because I was worried about him, but eventually, I started focusing on myself and trying to move on. I also wanted a real relationship, and I knew I couldn't keep holding on to something that had no clear direction.

He eventually messaged me again in August. We spoke, and I told him I had been going on dates because I wanted to find a relationship. He said we could talk and figure things out. But after thinking about it, I told him that since we didn't seem to see a future together, maybe we should let each other go and focus on our own lives.

We had a really amicable goodbye. There was no fight or bitterness. We wished each other well, and there was a lot of affection in that conversation. I genuinely thought we had ended things on good terms.

A few weeks later, I found out he had blocked me on Telegram and changed his username.

I honestly don't know what to make of it.

I understand that he doesn't owe me anything, and maybe he had his own reasons for doing this. Given his illness, I don't want to make assumptions about what he might be going through. But I can't help feeling confused about how we went from having such a loving goodbye to this.

I think the hardest part is that I still care about him. For so long, I was worried about his health, and I think I started associating him with that feeling of wanting to take care of someone. Even when I accepted that we probably weren't going to have a future together, I couldn't just switch off that concern.

And now I don't even know how to process it. I keep wondering whether I misunderstood our connection, whether I got attached to the idea of him, or whether two people can genuinely care about each other and still end up as complete strangers.

Part of me feels silly for being this affected by someone I never even met. Another part of me knows that the conversations were real, the feelings were real, and I genuinely cared about what happened to him.

I'm not looking for a reason to hate him or blame him. I just want to stop thinking about it so much and make peace with the fact that I might never know what happened or what I meant to him.

Has anyone been through something similar? How did you move on? How do you stop questioning the entire connection just because of how it ended? And how do you let go of someone you still care about when you don't really have a proper ending to hold on to?

Used AI to refine sentences

Okay so I blocked an ex for them to chase me or realise I was leaving or to make them stay (if it makes sense). But he never contacted me and moved on with his life. I wanted to step back to see if he would ever initiate or repair the relationship and he never did. It was a long term relationship ( a messy one) but i thought he was committed to me , now in hindsight I realise I was the one carrying the relationship and he was just there for comfort or convience, but he was the one who claimed to want something serious and did a lot of future faking. I never discussed about marriage because i believed in not jinxing things, but i believed his words. I try not to think about why he didn't commit to me or was present to me because he had reasons to , I was exactly his type of a girl and he used to say he got really lucky I ever gave him a chance.

Coming to present day , it's been more than a year of no contact and i don't even want him back but i realise how badly i was discarded, or the lack of urgency and closure from him, so knowing this how do I move on? I am okay on most days but my hormonal cycle ( PMS) and retrogrades especially put in a frenzy again. So for any females reading this if you are going through something similar or grieving over someone, how to actually stop this and focus on moving on ?

To the kind souls who take the time to read this and reply to this post, i dont know how to pay you back but trust me i appreciate the hell out of it. Had to break up with my girlfriend of 7 years, of which she may have actually been loyal to me for the past 4. Im 29m shes 25f. Had to leave her because she would just never come clean about the cheating she did in the past. BUT she did a complete 180 (I THINK) and was semi honest, loyal, paid for our living space and always cleaned and even did my laundry. She would fold my clothes for work. But it ate me from the inside whenever i was gone on trips as a pilot. But she would only trickle truth. Maybe it shouldnt have mattered by that point, shes a young and hot girl, but how could i marry a girl i couldnt completely trust. Anyways i packed all of my stuff and left her september 1st. By the 6th, she was on a boat with a fat old 40 year old getting plowed. A friend of her dads by the way haha. Disgusting. Anyways why does she still try to reach out at this point even after she admitted herself that its over and swears she regrets ever cheating or trickletruthing me? Yet ive always had to play detective and obtain information myself or distance myself from the relationship and she would only trickle truth me just enough to keep me from finally leaving her.

By the way, she still says to this day that “i know everything”. I believe shes still being deceptive. Been hearing that for years yet theres always something new coming out.

Since leaving her ive done nothing but level up. Big calorie deficit, ripping the gym daily, back into jiu jitsu, and got a new flying job that starts at $175k a year. I was going to help her out and put her on my health insurance for a year, but i didnt want to reopen any contact with her. I cant figure out her intentions and it pisses me off. Because of that ive been absolutely no contact. She makes phone numbers to text me and call me. I dont reply.

I 22(M) and my ex 23(F) broke up around a year ago we’d known each other since she was in 8th and I was in 7th but didn’t start dating until my JR and her SR yr.

I’m not one to usually go spouting about this type of stuff or ask for help but I’m still stuck on her. Just the way she laughed, talked, her mannerisms, even just her hair style and how she looked in dresses. It’s like I can’t move on from her ever. I’ve been on dates with other girls and it’s been fine talking and what not but I just can’t see myself developing feelings for them. I’ve tried just being specific and go with people who are similar to her which in my mind is wrong because it’s like I’m looking for her in them. I just don’t know where to go or if there’s any advice to move on?

She sends stuff all day time , I dont respond or anything but is this considered breadcrumbing.

I was discarded a month and a half ago after 6 year relationship

It's been almost 4 years since my ex and I broke up because he cheated on me, and somehow, I'm still not completely over it.

I don't even know how to explain it. It's not like I'm crying over him every day or sitting around doing nothing with my life. I study, I do my own things, I laugh, I have good days. Sometimes I even go weeks without consciously thinking about him that much. But somehow, he always finds his way back into my mind.

A random memory, a song, a place, a little thing that reminds me of him, and suddenly I'm thinking about everything all over again.

And I hate it because it's been FOUR YEARS. At some point, shouldn't I have moved on by now?

The thing is, he cheated. I know what he did was wrong. I know I didn't deserve it. I'm not sitting here thinking that cheating was okay or that I should go back to someone who hurt me. But knowing someone wasn't good for you and actually getting over them seem to be two completely different things.

Sometimes I wonder if I even miss him anymore, or if I'm just stuck on the memories, the person I thought he was, the relationship I thought we had, or the version of our future that I once imagined.

And maybe a part of me still wants answers. Maybe I want to understand how someone who supposedly loved me could do something like that. Maybe I want to stop wondering whether I meant anything to him at all.

I don't want him back. Or at least, I don't think I do. I just want to reach a point where thinking about him doesn't make me feel anything. Where I can remember that part of my life and genuinely feel like it's over.

I'm tired of carrying something that happened years ago into my present. I want to be able to like someone new someday without comparing them to him, being scared of getting hurt again, or feeling like a part of me is still stuck in the past.

So, to people who have been through something similar:

How did you actually move on from an ex who cheated on you? Not just the usual advice about blocking them, keeping yourself busy, or focusing on yourself. I mean, how did you stop thinking about them when you didn't even want to?

Did it eventually happen on its own? Did you have to actively do something to get there? Did you ever reach a point where you genuinely stopped caring?

And if it took you years, I'd really like to hear your experience.

I just want to feel free from this already.

I was in a situationship with an avoidant girl who I REALLY liked for a few months. Over the summer I really struggled with her personality and she grew distant (even though we still kept in touch). I suspected she developed a relationship with a male friend of hers which she was spending a lot of time with. Even though she never hid him from me and always referred to him as a friend. I asked for explanations and basically asked where do we stand and she replied saying she's only got the energy to spend time with her friends at the moment.

We had a big fight at the beginning of September in which I demanded explanations on where we're at / plans for the future etc and she basically ghosted me for a month. At that point I thought it was over.

Last Monday I rage-sent her a package with the birthday gift I got her (a t-shirt I made). Her birthday was in August while she was away on holiday with her family and I had it made for a while. I did it because I didn't wanna be reminded about her everytime I was seeing that t-shirt.

After she picked it up she sent me a really long message explaining the reasons for her ghosting me, which were pretty vague (she basically said she was emotionally overwhelmed and couldn't handle it, typical avoidant reasons basically). The next day she sent me a selfie wearing the t-shirt and she was sounding pretty warm and almost slightly flirty. She then disappeared again since then (it's been a few days). What do I take from that? I haven't messaged her and I'm not really sure I should.

I was stuck in the rumination phase, overanalyzing everything I did wrong, just sad and pining for him to talk to me. He was inconsistent and had poor communication despite me communicating what I expected so finally I had to cut it off. We haven’t talked in 3 weeks and I’m finally feeling better. I’m able to snap out of the spiral before it happens and remind myself it didn’t work out for a reason. No contact really works to heal

I’ve used this group as place to write down my thoughts. To count the days.

I am grateful for it, but I need to stop. I am stuck in this prison.

Thank you everyone for support along the way.

So me (F)and him (M)both (20) . We do argue or have disagreements . He asks for space and only tells me he will text me the next day . I want to fix it right there and then and he doesn’t when I do not respect it he blocks me. I don’t reach out until the next day and he then tells me he will unblock me , but for me to stop and he just wants a day to not talk and tells me I’m annoying. I calm myself down and leave him alone, after that day is over the next day we are good . He tells me right after to move past it and not to talk about it .
This Sunday we had a big argument and this time it was mostly my fault. He asked to text me on Monday, but I only called him because I went to walk on my own and he was good , but tired . I shouldn’t of called because I was still angry and upset that I was talking about what happened and he just hanged up and blocked me. I reached out on Monday he told me nope to not hanging out, nor blocking me , not even talk on Tuesday. I been reaching out on Tuesday I went to drop off a Dutch at his house with a note to apologize he was angry and cussed at me which valid . I told him if he was actually mad and told em yeah leave me alone.

Since then I stop texting him and putting effort. I realize what I done wrong. I also realize that we only talk good because I never give him actual space and it’s true it’s not always going to be like me reaching out first for him to text me when I never give him that space. I deleted everything where I would reach out and now I’m sitting with my emotions and feelings. It’s just I really miss him and want to take accountability but respecting is a huge boundary and respect to have for him. I do apologize and want to talk to him about it.
I can see how upset that was and see that he needs so much space then what he normally does. I know for sure he won’t contact me this week , but can he the next week like two weeks or he’s done. I mean I’m glad he reached out but never told me that we are done for good just told me to leave him alone so now I am. My cousins told me to just leave him alone and maybe we do need a break bc of it . Is that true?

We broke up because of my behavior, basically. I was too toxic, insecure, and jealous, and he didn’t feel like he could handle it anymore.

Since then, I’ve been doing the internal work, and we recently met up for coffee. He was very distant and didn’t really open up emotionally. I just wanted him to know that I see things more clearly now and that I’m sorry for the times when my behavior wasn’t the best.

My goal with meeting up was not only to express how I felt but also to listen to him, but he didn’t say much and seemed very emotionally shut down. I told him that I’d leave the door open to trying again, but I was respectful and calm throughout the conversation, so I didn’t push him for an answer. I told him it was okay if he wasn’t ready to give me one..I know he sometimes avoids conflict and difficult conversations, and I haven’t heard back from him since.

I’m afraid to ask him again, but I still want to. Part of me doesn’t want to let go, and I feel like if the issues he mentioned were the reasons he became unsure about our relationship, and I’m genuinely working on those things, I don’t see why we couldn’t try to make it work. I know that change takes time, and I’m not expecting everything to be fixed overnight, but I wish we could at least have an honest conversation about whether there’s still a possibility for us..

I’d like your honest opinion and advice. What do you think I might be missing in this situation?

I’m struggling because I still love him and believe our relationship could work if we tried again. I know I can’t change his mind or make him want the relationship, but I also don’t want to give up without having an honest conversation about where we stand.

What would you do in my position?

There’s a reason this sub Reddit exists. It’s because those who have broken no contact come back here and try to help those who are staying strong.

I’ve broken contact and had ten flings with my ex and every time it’s been horrible. I keep telling myself the next time is different but it never is.

If they broke up with you and have commitment issues do not talk to them. Go no contact. You will go through so much pain.

That pain is making me stronger but it’s risky and why I hope you all stay strong. She told me she started talking to other people and that hurt me so much I try to ignore it and live my life

Day 3 of no contact.

I was doing so well 2 years in. I still thought of her throughout, but it kept lessening and lessening. I even dated someone else because I was ready.

But then, I started seeing her in school again (just twice), but we never really interacted (She never actually saw me). The relationship I had with the new girl I dated didn’t work out, but even after 4 months later, I was doing so much better, because I was taken advantage of, but I just let it go now.

But now, this October has been one hell of a shit show. She (my ex from 3 years ago) never actually contacted me, but everyone or everything kept reminding me of her again. My best friend talked about it when he heard about my recent break up, my mother mentioned her, and I found some of the things she gave me before we broke up.

Now it feels like I’m on day one again. And it sucks so much. I just found it weird that out of all these times, why now? It’s been 3 years since our last contact, but why is it affecting me as if it were fresh. It keeps getting harder and harder all over again.

it feels like all the healing and distracting, moving on thing just got unraveled and i am at the very start again. i have felt incredibly empty and sad and even angry for the past few days since we talked. they sent a friend request, profusely apologized and wrote several walls of text that i couldn't read properly. they also broke a big boundary which scared me. they've admitted they're severely mentally ill and haven't gotten help. i told them to get help. they said they will do it.

they said i can contact them anytime i want to. i told them i only wanna do that in a year or so. but honestly, i never want to talk to them again. i was acting the right way the first few moments in our conversations, being cold and not showing strong emotions. but, then i felt bad and started showing sympathy and trying to comfort them by lying about how maybe someday we can be close again. we said our goodbyes and they were gone again.

i can't stop crying. i can't stop feeling ashamed of myself. i hate myself for letting this happen. i didn't want to talk to them. i didn't want to do anything that i did that day. i hate it. i hate myself. i hate them.

edit: i forgot to say we're both 19. yes we're really immature, due to mental illness and disability

Long story short, my ex broke up with me earlier this year. We slept together a good number of times after we broke up, we went no contact after he said that we should move on and he wanted me to move on and leave him alone.

He reaches out in 3 months later to apologise and be honest about the break up and that he resented me and i cared so so much and it was getting in the way of things. He pushed things to the side and said that all I wanted to do was help him and he didn’t care. That same day he cried down the phone telling me how much he thinks about me and how he wishes he did things differently.

We spoke for 6 weeks where i asked of a lot of questions. The truth did hurt but i found out he had a rebound hookup that he saw for longer than he should have, that he still has a photo of us on his shelf and videos of me looking happy keep coming up on his phone. He cried so much, he’s not one to cry.

He admitted ‘i only told you i didn’t love you anymore to make it easier to leave’ so i didn’t fight for him and said he wasn’t over us. But, he also said he didnt want to get back together and also said ‘i enjoy being single but what if’ and stopped himself.

He messaged me in the day, late at night, we would call and discuss things but he seemed very emotionally distant at times which was very different to how he was the first week we spoke. He would let me get angry and have a go at him, we would talk about it and then move on. He would facetime me and we would chat and he would ask how i am and if my parents are well, if im eating well, how work is. He would compliment my hair or nails or my outfits.

He said he was still attracted to me and it was never about that, he would call me nicknames he used to but would ask me if i had slept with anyone or been dating. He would act anxious at times and avoidant in others.

Then we cut contact after i told him i was over him and was dating (i wasn’t but i thought that is what he wanted to hear) the day after he said that we shouldn’t talk anymore and we will both move on. He said his friend gave him advice that we should stop and he apologised for unintentionally leading me on.

I told him i didn’t forgive him because he has repeated his cycle of behaviour again and that he’s an egotistical asshole and i wish he never spoke to me. that a real apology comes with changed behaviour, like making us work, not coming back in to apologise and leave again.

I’m not sure on the timeline here but he was definitely seeing a new girl around mid-late august. I saw them the other day. I haven’t seen him in person since February and he just so happens to have lunch around the corner from my work (a 20 second walk) with this new girl?

I’m just so confused. How can you said you haven’t moved on from me? tell me you miss me and all the things you think about of me, basically confess you still love me but run away again.. i just don’t understand.

I feel bad for this poor girl who has no idea the guy she is seeing was speaking to his ex a month or possibly even a few weeks before they got together.

edit: he blocked me the day we stopped talking but i noticed he unblocked me in september… if you’re with a girl just leave me alone and keep me blocked ??

what is going on?

p.s. I haven’t received the photo back (like he promised he would) so i have no idea whether he’s binned it or hidden it.

Basically I've wanted to text my ex we broke up before i did my exchange year and spoke throughout summer then i left obviously. I dont think they're any hard feelings or anything but I really want to message him to see how hes doing and stuff also because hes not very social and online so I definitely cant stalk. Also idk if its best to just leave him alone lol. HELP LOL

to keep this as short as possible, this is not something i would have ever expected from him, like at all. it was a very heartbreaking but mutual breakup, as there was a lot of things he wasn’t doing that i needed in terms of my boundaries and romantic gestures. but whenever we argued, he’d say that if we broke up he’d never be able to move on, i changed his life and i mean too much to him, yada yada. he’s been on dating apps before, but he always said how much he hated them, and he deleted them to be loyal for me the night we met (i didn’t find that out till later). fast forward to now, it’s been two weeks since we officially ended things and stopped talking. we had the notion that we would try again in a year and see if things could change and work. then one of my friends approached me on campus today and asked if i was single, because she had seen my ex on tinder a few days ago. I asked her his name and she knew it without me saying it, and when i showed her the picture of him she frowned and nodded. it just sucks because he really made me feel like he’d never do something like that to me, especially because he made such a big point that i should stay single for a while. it just shows how many double standards he has. i just feel like i don’t even know the man that i dated for almost two years. and we both even acknowledged that we still love each other, but it just wasn’t healthy. So was the love a lie too? i feel like i don’t deserve real love at this point, and i just don’t understand what it is that makes even good people walk all over me. i suppose my ask is why do guys do these things? is he really moving on already? did i mean that little to him? and like, how can i get over the idea that he moved on faster than me, when he always preached about how significant i was to him? i just don’t want to sit here and think about all the terrible things. thanks so much, anything is helpful :) this semester has already been so rough and i’m not equipped to get through this on my own, especially since my ex was also my very best friend.

My ex of 4.5 -5 years, which we been broken up for a couple of years, he is in another relationship of course, we both moved on. Today I was at work, minding my business when his mom calls me and starts telling me all that happened (his mom and I were always close, she was there for me when I had no family) I felt like my heart sank to my feet. She first texted “he got into a bike accident, and they took him unconscious to the hospital” but apparently this happened Friday, which is so weird because I was feeling on edge that Friday being so stressed, anxious, with a horrible headache (idk what I m even saying, I just think is a coincidence maybe) but anyways, he is okay and alive took her 10 min to tell me I call her as soon as I got off of work, I almost fainted at work. We ended (him and I ) now in good terms but idk guys, she keeps saying he wants another bike and I think he will die if he does, I m just worried and hoping someone changes his mind, am I stupid for worrying or crazy? Haha help.

Its so weird that after everything hes done to me I hated him for a while and now I miss him again I want to reply to the messages he sent which I didn’t reply to, hes been all over my mind for the past week although If hed kiss my feet for me to be with him I would say no, any explanation for why this is happening to me?!!

This will be a bit long to give full context of our relationship and breakup, but I’d really appreciate some insight.

My ex and I were together for 3 years. We had a very deep and connecting relationship, I definitely felt like he was my person. We knew each other as kids and went to school together until 7th grade, and reconnected in 2023 as adults. He made comments all the time about how I was the best relationship he has ever had, I was his dream girl, exactly his type, not like other girls, etc. I truly felt that through most of our relationship.

Our relationship wasn’t perfect, however. Over time, I realized he was very insecure. He would ask me questions that most people wouldn’t want an answer to and I’m a very honest person. He wanted words of affirmation a lot. I would try my best to pick up the slack but of course real life happens and I don’t constantly think about how I can compliment him every day. I also have anxiety and can be a bit critical, nitpicky, and negative due to that.

He also has a now 6 year old, and I didn’t bond with him right away because it felt like he rushed me into that connection with him and overanalyzed my anxiety about him having a kid. I noticed behavioral issues and parenting issues and pointed them out and tried to help. He took a lot of what I had to say, whether about his kid or not, as an attack and became very defensive. This year though, I got very close with him and spent a lot of 1:1 time with him, which has made this breakup all the more difficult.

While I may have struggled with the above and words of affirmation, I showed my love through a lot of other ways. I remembered the small things, I tried to make his life easier by doing small tasks for him and buying groceries and making/buying dinner when I would come over, getting him and his son very special gifts for holidays, etc. I was also very affectionate.

A month before we were supposed to move in, he pointed out that I was being too anxious about the move in. I was anxious because I’m about to live full time with him and his kid and that’s a big change. However, I was doing everything I could to make the move in happen behind the scenes. I wasn’t hesitating. The straw that broke the camels back was one morning I was on the phone with him and made a comment about how I didn’t want him to shave his facial hair because I found him more attractive with it and he looked too young without it. He almost always had facial hair while we were together. He went off on me about how I make him feel unattractive and put a pause on the move in talk. A week later, he broke up with me. He said he’s tired of the cycle of asking me to make him feel wanted/attractive/appreciated and only doing so when things are dire, then the cycle repeats. He felt “emotionally exhausted” and “eroded” and said once his feelings are gone, they don’t come back.

Within a week, I find out he’s talking to his coworker. She had a boyfriend at the time too. His friends told me this isn’t unusual, as he cannot stay single once he’s out of a relationship. I eventually find out she’s 9-10 years younger than we are (we are 31, and she is 21-22).

We have been broken up for 4 months. Over time, I’ve slowly been removed off of all social media. For the first month or so, I did the usual begging and pleading and wanting him to give me a chance to make improvements. He was very hot and cold. I eventually stopped. Since then, he has been the one to reach out. The longest we have gone without talking is 2 weeks. At first, I was holding out hope that this meant he would eventually want to reconcile, but as time has gone on, I’ve started losing hope. He would casually check in, tell me something that happened at work, flirt, tell me he was thinking of me, and we have been intimate at times as well. He claims he doesn’t have those romantic feelings for me, it’s more nostalgic and comfortable. When he’s come over, sometimes we have just cuddled and kissed and it feels exactly like how we were when we were together. It hasn’t always led to sex.

He told me he remembered my Reddit account (where I posted about the breakup) so he saw me discussing my feelings about everything there and that’s how he found out I knew who this other girl was. I don’t understand why he’s checking if he’s truly moved on? I privated that account so now I’m posting here.

I found out last week that at some point he made things official with this girl. I don’t ask questions because the details would upset me. I do know she looks nothing like me. He still claims I am “10000% his type” and he’s still drawn to me despite being with her. However, he’s not seeming to want to reconcile. He said he’s never been in this situation before and it’s very confusing for him why he keeps wanting to reach out to me even though he is with someone else. Last time I talked to him, I told him he really needs to think about all of this and what it means, that was 5 days ago. When I asked him before what he thinks it means about his current situation, he said he avoids it because he feels like a terrible person. So maybe some avoidant tendencies?

I don’t know what to do. I obviously want this (what I assume to be a rebound) to fail, but they’ve been talking for 4 months and at some point have made things official). I think what we had was very special, but if he thought so, he wouldn’t have dumped me to look for better. I was there for him when he had hardly any income, a not so great car, and was struggling with a rambunctious toddler. Now that he has taken some of my parenting advice, has a better job, more money, and a new car, this other girl gets the best parts of him and doesn’t have to choose to stay through the hard parts like I did. I truly did love him.

Questions: Is it too late to try and enforce no contact if I do want him to regret his decision? I feel like he hasn’t even had the chance to truly miss me yet because like I said, we have only gone 2 weeks without talking. However, we at most only talk like 1-2 times a week and it’s usually when he is at work or between work. Why does he keep reaching out if he has another person? I’d like to think his burnout and resentment buried his true feelings for me by the time things ended, but maybe that’s wishful thinking.
Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation? I’ve had a really hard time ignoring him because I do still love and care about him even though his decisions lately have been reckless and not typical for him. I’ll take any opinions on this whole mess too.

I really hoped when we reconnected we would be in the position to pursue something deep again.

But after he reached out, he sounded distant, cold, nervous and just so uninterested for weeks before I got a direct answer from him. I made my intention clear that i wanted to be with him again, and after a one hour call yesterday he managed to arrive at "i'm not looking for a relationship in general" and he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore but he "cares" for me, he just wanted to check in on me if I was doing better.

I have friends who do that for me, I don't need him to randomly pop in and out and then have no intention of even meeting up for a catch up in person. Needless ot say, I was angry, upset, confused, and just outright horrible as now we will both have to re-process this again, and for me it felt like a second breakup. We were together for 5 years, broke up last year. it's been a tough ride for both of us, and we both had a hard time afterwards, but this was so unnecessary and painful to experience

Day 1 of no contact again.