I (29F) have been married to my husband (30M) for a little over a year, but we’ve been together for five years. I’m using a throwaway because I don’t want him to know I’m turning to Reddit for advice. I just feel so incredibly alone right now and I am desperate for advice.
My husband has depression. He’s been on medication since before I met him, but in the five years we’ve been together, I’ve never seen him experience anything like this.
About a week ago, everything changed and it fucking sucks.
He told me that he woke up one day and just couldn’t feel anything anymore. He describes it as the entire world being muted. He doesn’t feel happiness, excitement, joy, or even love the way he used to.
His entire personality, demeanor, and behavior have changed. The way he looks at me, the way he talks, the way he carries himself. It’s like the person I’ve loved for five years is suddenly gone, even though he’s standing right in front of me. It’s such a mind fuck.
We recently went on a trip we’d been planning for a while. We saw one of his favorite artists, someone he would normally be so excited to see. I stood there watching him stare at the stage completely emotionless, and I don’t think I can describe how much that fucked me up.
He doesn’t find joy in anything anymore not even our marriage.
He’s told me repeatedly that this isn’t my fault. That it’s his depression, that something chemically is wrong, and that no amount of love from me can just pull him out of it.
He says he doesn’t want to end our marriage. He says he loves me, but the way he explains it is heartbreaking. He told me he knows he loves me because he remembers loving me before he started feeling this way. He knows those feelings were there, even if he can’t actually feel them right now.
He told me he’ll try to cuddle me because he knows physical affection is important to me, and because he remembers that he used to want that too. (This is important to note because this has always been his love language).
I can’t even begin to explain how painful it is to hear those things from someone who used to make you feel unconditional love.
I also struggle with severe anxiety and abandonment issues, which makes this entire situation feel almost unbearable. I’m starting therapy again at the end of this month, and he’s working on finding a therapist as well.
He’s never been someone who can easily talk about his depression, and right now he really can’t or won’t discuss it much at all. I’m hoping therapy will give him a place where he feels comfortable opening up. Because he asks me not to dig.
I’ve asked him over and over what he needs from me. I’ve told him I’ll do anything to help him get through this.
His answer is always the same: patience and understanding.
And I’m trying to do both but I am so gutted.
I’ve taken on most of the housework. During our vacation, I tried to take every possible responsibility off his shoulders so he wouldn’t have to worry about anything. I’m trying to give him space when he asks for it. I ever offered to get a hotel away from home for a day or two so he could have solitude. I asked if he mias me and heart breaking enough he said it wouldn’t affect him if I left. I know I was fishing for some resemblance of reassurance and got my feelings hurt.
He tells me that sometimes he’d rather be at work than at home because work allows him to distract himself from how he’s feeling.
I know I shouldn’t take that personally, but it fucking sucks to hear.
Before this, I genuinely thought we were so happy. We have a good life. We’re both building careers, we have three pets, a home, food on the table, and plans for our future. We don’t have children yet, but we’ve talked about our future kids together. I mean for fuck sake what else could you want in life?
I know depression doesn’t care how good your life looks on paper. I know that logically.
But emotionally, I keep asking myself what happened.
Were we actually happy? Did I miss something? Was he suffering this whole time and I just didn’t see it? Was the happiness I felt in our marriage something I imagined?
He keeps reassuring me that this isn’t about me or our marriage. But my brain won’t stop looking for ways to blame myself.
I keep thinking that maybe if I were a better wife, if I were prettier, more loving, more supportive, more understanding, somehow I could make him feel something again.
And then I feel guilty for even making his depression about me.
He told me he’s never experienced an episode this deep before. He also told me that it could take a long time before he feels like himself again.
I’m not going anywhere. I love this man more than I can put into words. I meant my vows when I said forever.
But I am terrified.
I’m terrified that he won’t come back to himself. I’m terrified that one day he’ll decide he doesn’t want our marriage anymore. I’m terrified that I’ll spend months trying to be strong for him while quietly falling apart myself.
For the past week, I’ve cried every single day. I’ve been so anxious that I throw up almost everything I eat. I sleep as much as I can because being awake means having to face the reality of what’s happening.
And I feel selfish even admitting that because I know he’s the one suffering from depression.
He has reassured me that he would never hurt himself, and I believe him. But I still worry about him constantly.
I miss my husband. I miss his laugh. I miss the way he used to look at me. I miss feeling wanted without having to wonder whether he’s just going through the motions for my sake.
I miss someone who is literally sitting next to me.
And that might be the loneliest feeling I’ve ever experienced.
I guess I’m posting because I desperately need to hear from people who have been through this.
If you’ve experienced a severe depressive episode where you suddenly felt emotionally numb, did your feelings eventually come back? Did you still love your partner even when you couldn’t feel it?
If you’ve been the spouse on the other side of this, how did you survive it? How did you support your partner without completely losing yourself?
How do I stop blaming myself for something he keeps telling me isn’t my fault? How do I give him space without convincing myself he’s pulling away from our marriage?
I don’t need him to be happy every second. I don’t need our marriage to be perfect. I just want my husband to feel like himself again.
I want him to experience joy again, even if that joy has nothing to do with me.
I just don’t know how to keep my own head above water while we wait for that day. I am so scared this is going to consume me.
TL;DR: My husband of one year (together five) suddenly entered the worst depressive episode he’s ever experienced. He feels emotionally numb, including toward me, and his entire personality seems to have changed overnight. He says he still loves me and doesn’t want to leave, but I’m struggling with anxiety, self-blame, and feeling like I’ve lost him. I’m looking for advice from people who’ve experienced this on either side of a marriage.