34M. I've been on a sorta exposure therapy journey with socializing for a long time now. And I've made progress. I can fake normalcy in most small talk situations (sorta) and no longer immediately draw attention simply trying to exist like I used to. But that's not enough to make real friends.

My issue is this. Sometimes when I am in a group without a "safe person" around, the social anxiety spikes and I end up shutting down and basically going non-verbal for a bit. Depending on the situation, conversation either completely halts, or my silence slowly becomes the topic of discussion on a level just below the surface.

That universally makes my retreat more intense because what exactly are you supposed to say to that without being angry (which I'm not. I just don't know how to express it outside of that framework, I guess?)

What I need:

1) to figure out how to signal to people that I still understand what is being said and I'm not in fact "absent".

2) to find a way to acknowledge and move past the silence when I get to the point where I can bring myself to rejoin the conversation. Preferably in a light hearted way.

3) how to get the space to be silent in a group setting for a little bit without being perceived as being completely checked out in the first place.

Obviously the easy answer is "just leave". But that doesn't help me work through my issues around it. It also feels like accepting defeat? And I don't imagine the situation will improve if I continue to avoid the uncomfortable parts like that, anyway.

Anyway. Looking for ideas or input on the issue for a more well-rounded view. Or just to be told I'm being fucking dumb and I just need to leave and accept the defeat anyway? I don't really care about being seen as weird. Just want to find a way to be in on the joke of how weird I am.

i keep hearing people say "finding friends is so easy, just talk to people"

I have been going to every social event that exists in my town (that doesnt involve "country musik" and getting drunk) but there are so little

IF there are people around my age they usually ignore me. I have been going to some dance lessons, after its done everyone gathers at the front door and makes plans for the afternoon. I try to jump into the conversation and i usually get ignored or just weird looks....

How do I actually talk to strangers to make friends?

In my last few posts people said that approaching complete strangers never works and i somehow need to find common intrests. Ok but if i dont know anyone, how do i know their intrests?

"It never works" is also wrong cause thats exactly how my sister makes friends... she goes to a random club, talks to people for 5min and then she gets invited to a houseparty the same day. Just made 5 new friends...

I also tried asking others what about me makes people not want to talk to me but i never really get any good answers... its either "you have no issues, you are a cool guy, why do you ask" or "why do you ask, its so obvious, are a subhuman, kill yourself and never talk to anyone ever again"

When i take all the confidence i have and i try to hit up some friends of friends at a "club" and actually listen to them for 5min all they talk about is how much they drink and when and where they puked the last time....

Seriously, where do i find people with common intrests?

Lets pretend fuel prices go back to normal again tomorrow and i can afford to leave my 2000 people town to actually go to the city.... how do i find friends there who are COMPLETELY strangers to me?

At uni in our group project, there's this guy who doesn't seem to have any more knowledge or competence than all of us but doesn't appear to be aware of it.

If I ask a comprehension question to the group, hoping to discuss it together, he just starts explaining it to me as if he is my teacher. Today, I was glad I started scanning my book while he was still yapping at me because I realized what he was saying was completely wrong.

This pisses me off because I want to hear what the people in my group have to say and it makes me think he believes is above me or the group. How do I navigate this without being super rude?

If I answer, "I'm fine" or "I'm doing fine", this makes it sound like I'm having a rough time.

Same with "I'm doing alright" or "I'm doing ok".

Recently I've been answering "I'm doing well". It feels like a more modest way of saying "I'm good'. But it still doesn't feel honest or authentic. I'm not doing that well.

Any ideas?

I’m really curious to hear from others why they think they have social anxiety. For me, I’m pretty sure it’s because I had to mask from a young age that I was fine even though I was not. At some point my body and brain couldn’t keep up with the mask/act anymore, hence the anxiety attacks.

I was so scared of judgment that i put on the "chill guy" persona. I can be chill, but i'm usually not, i'm talkative with the right ppll, and also, not to brag, but also extremely funny, it's a gift i'm happy I have coz seeing others smile just makes me feel happy, genuinely. But since I moved to Canada, since GRADE 9, i can count how many ppl i've made friends with that know the real me to some extent; 2. One of them blocked me coz i think he's also dealing with his own demons, and the other one last spoke to me when i moved to a new province just to see how i was settling in, i know, not a bad thing, but i've not had a single friend I can just randomly hey and start saying whatever i wanna say unfiltered, it still feels like i'm putting on a mask.

Now I moved to a new province, new school, a fresh start, another opportunity, GRADE 11, and about a month in, the same problems again, the "chill guy" persona, the guy that doesn't really talk but can if u wanna small talk. But now it's just killing me, I have no one to talk to, I have older siblings at home with me all day, but i just cant tell them. I just need some connection, i want everyone to see the real me, the unfiltered funny, kind, respectful person I am. and i've been trying so hard to make new friends here but everytime i wanna just start some small talk, i'm just so scared, i'm so so scared i don't even know why, then i see other kids in class, making jokes with the class i thought of 10 secs ago, watching them dap everyone around them up and i'm just sitting there, looking. I'm just exhausted, And I also thought i knew how to make convo but I guess I dont coz i mostly play games, watch a few movies and series here and there, so when i start talking to someone and ask if they watch one thing or play, and they say nah, i'm just standing there, looking......not to mention I realized a week ago that I might actually have ADHD and just wanna talk to someone about it before thinking about telling my family to get me officially diagnosed. I've even been dressing more "out there", i wear a lot of just black on black on black everything normally, plain black, but I've shifted to black with text with some white sprinkled in, i know, wowwww, but point is i've been trying, genuinely, but it's like i'm just stuck in a cage of eternal loneliness screaming out but no one outside the cage hears me. I'm tired. How do I make friends more easily?

It has recently come to my attention that a lot people immediately get the impression that I'm a sensitive person. I can be doing my own thing, feeling chill , staying in my lane and all that. Nonetheless, I get these comments out of nowhere that I look too sensitive. Irl or online, I'm not doing much and people are quick to run with the assumption that I'm some fragile thing that'll break with one word. Everytime I'm left confused and I'm wondering if there's anything I can do to minimize this irl at least.

I think I have rbf but would masking that + making eye contact with the other person the entire time go a long way for me? Usually, I look in the general direction of the person's face whenever I'm interacting with them.

Im my uni, i like girl a lot. Like i just get swayed by her vibe whenever i notice her presence around. The problem is I only see her occasionally on campus and she noticed me once or twice too in a small eye contact. But, i dont know her name nor her class. Only sum bits of pieces of things about her. She always hangs out with her friends so i barely see her by herself to talk to. I really want to give my chance with her, maybe I'll like her personality too. But idk when and how to start the conversation. There's no problem with me when it comes to talking to someone but whenever i see her, i get madly nervous and anxious. I really dont know how to initiate a convo with her, but the bigger problem is her friends, it seems awkward and invading to me to fit in an friend group. So then how do i talk to her? Help me out guys

I am very picky when it comes to friends, and it takes a lot of hours of social interaction for me to allow them close. There are a few people who I want to be better firends with, so I try to hang out with them more, but I kind of feel like a social reject whenever I do. They are not spontaneous at all, contrary to me, so I can't randomly ask if they want to do things after uni courses. I know they see me as a friend, so it's not weirdly one-sided, but a lot of the time when I try to invite them to do stuff, they cancel last minute. So the more I ask, the more needy it feels, so at some point I stopped asking. It takes a lot for me to ask, because I used to be the enemy of the popular kids when I was little, so I'm very familiar with being ostracized. I'm just stuck waiting for them to invite me somewhere, which they do sometimes, but I can never do the same, because I'm sick of being rejected.

I still can’t talk with coworkers I’ve been with for 9 years…

Let me just give an example.

I was offered a new position at work, and have been training on it for about a week when I have time from my normal duties.

Someone quit their job in the front offices and the position wasn’t even essentially to help out someone else in that department.

At the end of the day yesterday I really started questioning if it’s what I wanted. I’m the only one who does my current job, so I’ve developed a certain pride for it in the time I’ve been here.

Today I went and told my boss and the woman that’s been training me I was not interested anymore. My boss *seemed* to take it ok. But the woman was frustrated. And in front of both of them I was shaking and couldn’t make eye contact with either of them. I had to pause and take a deep breath right there in front of them watching me.

It turns out the position wasn’t even permanent and I was just training so I could fill in if this woman had to take some days off or something. So, with the most confidence I could muster, was turning down this position with the understanding it would be my new job.

I was asked if I could just fill in when needed and I said yes. But I’m wondering if I even was answering the right question. I get confused easily and will say the exact opposite of what I would have intended to. So I’m wondering if I was actually turning it down completely.

When I told the woman I was happy in my current spot she kind chimed in with “because you just have your own little space huh?” And I don’t know if she meant it maliciously. And also I’d be lying if I said there was now some level of truth to it. But back where I work I am able to do a plethora of things. In this, I would be relegated to one single thing at a desk for 8 hours a day. I decided it wasn’t really much of an upgrade. (But of course this was all with the understanding I’d be doing this permanently). I couldnt come up with the right words in the spot so I just conceded and said “Well, sure…” I’m so frustrated with myself for it.

They haven’t called on me since. My face was burning red for a long while after and I just wanted to leave the planet.

Look, I don’t desire much in life. But I need to fix this about myself. How on earth do I even begin when I can’t function at all with people I’ve been around for nearly a decade?

I’ve a few local record stores (my favorite also sells comic books) I love browsing and shopping at and I wanna be more social since, well, everyone is likely to have similar interests and it would be great for me to put myself out there and meet some new friends. Problem is I freeze up and my mind goes blank. Any tips? Last time I saw a guy wearing a green lantern shirt and I complimented him and he had no idea where it came from so I just minded my own business to save myself the embarrassment lmao

Hi, so I’m not sure where I can begin with this. I have trouble keeping eye contact, but will be fine starting eye contact. I think this is mainly because I’m shy, and also because I am short, so it’s actually difficult to look up to maintain eye contact.

But when I pass people, I notice that they start off looking at me (as this is their normal eye level when walking), then they look down at the floor. This is usually older men, and is when I pass by.

Do I appear intimidating? How should I not look so scary? I look away after the initial look, but not immediately, more so a good 3 seconds after. But they all tend to immediately look down.

This has happened with mainly men I have passed by, and then a range of other women I have passed too. This is less with women, most smile or just pass by.

I 19f am living with 3 friends in my second year of uni and 2 of them always go out with a friend group. I’ve met the friend group and I get along with them. But every Wednesday night is social night and they go out drinking.

I’m neurodivergent so I’m aware I might just not be invited but how do I ask. I genuinely do what to go out and I think I’m a good time and we get along perfectly well.

How do I ask that I’d like to go out with them without feeling like I’m forcing myself out with them ?

Hi, all. It’s a difficult phenomenon to explain, but no matter how well I groom, how well I dress, how well I articulate, how warmly I smile, people stare at me like they’ve seen a premonition of their death before they quickly look away. It’s difficult to explain, but it’s only gotten worse with age.

A prime example: I went to my teenager’s new school for an introduction to his new teachers. Upon arriving in the office, the principal looks at me with uncertainty before smiling at my son to shake his hand. Then, he proceeds to look me up and down with apprehension, did not ask my name, barely shook my hand. In the meeting, the teachers and principals proceed to stare at my son, even when asking me questions.

Before people say, “they were focusing on your son since the meeting was regarding him—“ people have treated me this way in job interviews and doctor appointments for myself. I’ve even gone to therapy over this before my therapist started brushing me off and forgetting what I say.

I have survived multiple near-death experiences, but I am not disfigured from these events. Still, it makes me wonder if there’s an “energy” about myself that is off-putting to people—and animals for that matter, but this is a social skills sub.

TLDR: if I already groom and carry myself in a presentable, approachable way, how can I get people to acknowledge me directly without looking apprehensive and looking away?

(Tl;Dr) I focus far too much on my own needs conversationally, and I need to become someone who's more socially giving. how can I become that?

I did a call in with someone whom I respect about how I can improve my relationships (that wasn't the initial question, but it was the thru line of the convo), and he explaned to me that when I spoke to him I was very focused on my own needs in the conversation and I never really tried to get his input or meaningfully included him in the conversation. He explained that this likely stems from childhood neglect.

I was talking to one of my coworkers recently, and I told him about how I don't think my barber likes me because "we're too different." Him and I try to talk and pass to pass the time, but the conversation usually hits a deadend.

The example I gave him was that my barber once told me that he had just bought a new kilt, and that I genuinely couldn't think of anythkng to say. And my coworker gave me some examples of things to say: "are you wearung it to an event?" "What color was it?" "Where did you get it?" Etc.

And it's genuinely shocking to me how naturally and in the moment it came to him.

for my whole life, it's been like I've either found common ground with smeone, and ran that topic intk the ground thru pepition. or I've been far to giving and allowed others to talk at me where the cknversation had been totally focused on them (even when I struggle to reciprocate).

my whole life I've fealt like my relationships have been very superficial; it only recently dawned on me that I've never been invited to a birthday party growing up; which is... abnormal.

I feel like I'm too different.

> I really don't like pop culture almost at all; I hate modern music, movies and tv shows; books are mainly catered towards women; I'm not interested in sports; people don't really like my taste in music either and I'm a political outsider

but the reality is that there are plenty of other weird people who don't have my social deficits, so it's not that.

I often times find myself trying to converse with my coworkers and I keep asking question after question, and that get's tireing for the other person.

I don't feel like I'm having an acctual conversation with them, and I never get to build a rapport or banter.

there are very freindly people who I work with, but despite their best efforts, I feel there enthusiasm waining.

How can I get better at focusing on someone else's social needs?

There are times when I want to start chatting with others, especially when I'm alone in places that are filled with people talking with each other and I want to stop feeling like an outcast. But, many times, I don't know what to say. Like, what can I chat about with someone. Well everything, I here you saying, but that's really the thing. We chat about everything but I don't know what I can say and how I can keep the flow of the conversation, especially if I'm suspecting that the other person might not like me. I've noticed that with some people, after greeting them and trying to start the conversation, they don't really engage. Like, I'm the one asking questions to the point that it feels like an interview, or making remarks about things and they either answer with just one word or they just give a faint facial expression I feel like I'm supposed to decipher.

So, how can you really improve your chatting and small talk skills?

It's largely a habit, and I don't know how to make it stop because I get so nervous sometimes. Especially if it's with someone I like. I also look away or do weird things with my eyes and idk how to control it, I'm just sometimes being cute or not sure how to present myself but like people think I'm being weird or creepy.

Hiya, I've found myself a not small number of times in this situation: I meet someone cool in an event/social situation, we talk, get along, and we get each other's phones/Instagram.

After that.. I don't really know how to keep up and what to do. We end up talking once or twice after the fact, and that's it. I wanna know how can I text or when should I text to transform this cool interaction with someone into an actual friendship. More concretely: * when should I text? Is it weird to just say hello randomly to this person I met once? * how much should I text? I really don't want to come off as overbearing or obsessed. * what to talk about at first? Would it be like face to face small talk? * when would it be appropriate to ask for a hangout in person?

That would be it, thanks!!

I (17F) work the register at a little shop and I really struggle making small talk with customers. I’m really good at being friendly and following the usual script of asking if they need anything else and then telling them the price, but beyond that I’m helpless.

The thing is, I know exactly what to say to start small talk (like asking about their day, compliments, etc) but I just can’t bring myself to do it? Everyday before work I tell myself that I’ll start small talk with customers, but I just end up standing there awkward and paralyzed, unable to say anything.

I know this is more social anxiety than general social skills but does anyone have advice on how to just suck it up and say something?😭 I feel like such a loser because I always want to talk and connect with people but when I open my mouth nothing comes out and then I end up feeling so awkward and embarrassed

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

I'm 19F, and I want to improve my social skills, particularly conversation, humour and expressing myself naturally.

I've always been a quiet, observant person, but lately I've realised how self-conscious I become around others. I often struggle to think of responses in conversations, add something meaningful to what someone has said, ask follow-up questions or make jokes naturally. Sometimes my mind just goes blank, even though I can think of things to say when I'm alone.

I'm at university, and I sometimes feel overshadowed by more outgoing people. When I'm in a group, I can become so focused on how I'm coming across and whether people find me interesting that I struggle to participate naturally. I also tend to compare myself to others who seem to socialise effortlessly.

I don't necessarily want to become the loudest person in the room. I want to be more expressive, comfortable and engaging in my own way, without feeling like I'm performing or forcing a personality.

The specific social skills I want to develop are:

• Keeping conversations going by responding to what people say and adding something of my own.
• Asking natural follow-up questions without making conversations feel like interviews.
• Developing a better sense of humour and learning how to make playful comments.
• Participating more confidently in group conversations instead of going quiet.
• Being less self-conscious so I can focus on the conversation rather than constantly monitoring myself.

For those who have worked on these skills, what practical exercises or techniques helped you improve? How did you practise in real-life situations rather than just knowing what to do in theory?

I'd especially appreciate advice from people who used to be quiet or awkward in conversations but gradually became more comfortable expressing themselves.

Im 20 and my only friend is my brother. The reason is because hes my brother and we live together all my life so it feels like a given to me. Now I can talk to people if they want to talk to me but I probably wouldn't make a good friend multiple reason.

One would be is that dont really start conversations with people that much. Me and brother have that brotherly vibe with each other like annoying each other and geeking out over videogames but I dont really comfortable doing that with other people and I dont really like talking about myself that much unless that person wants to know what I like to do.

Second is because I probably wouldn't hang out with them. After work, me and my brother pretty much just coup ourselves in the house all day but with other people, you have to go out of your way to go out and hang out with them which I just dont wanna do. If I have the opportunity to stay in my house all day, then 9 times out of 10 im gonna coup myself in my inside cause thats where I feel most comfortable being and I like to be inside all day alone or with my brother but especially alone so I feel like a lot of people wouldn't understand me wanting to be inside all day, especially since we live in a extroverted world.

I only have like 2 people I talk to in highschool and gently need help cuz I have social life outside of it. What do I say how do I be funny? There’s people who say a statement and everyone laughs how do I be that. I’m so jealous of charismatic people because everything they do so like or laugh or people follow them. They have 30 friends or smth. I only have 2 acquaintances I talk to. How do I gain social skills. Please I need help I don’t wanna be a loner for rest of my life I have no social life outside of it. Btw how do I jump into group conversations cause there’s these guys in my bus I wanna talk to but don’t know what’s to say or fear they’ll see me as weird. I have severe social anxiety to.

I just wanna be funny because people constantly tell
Me I’m unfunny when I make sarcastic jokes.

I work with search data, and came across something that made me think about politeness norms.

When Google's AI offers to do something, people type a reply, and those replies show up in search data. Across 155 websites, I counted how often a "yes" came with a please or thanks:

• German speakers: 75% ("ja bitte")
• Dutch: 67% ("ja graag")
• English: 40% ("yes please")
• Finnish: 8% (a bare "kyllä")
• Indonesian: almost never (just "ya")

Nobody is being rude to a chatbot here. In Finnish a plain "kyllä" is a completely normal, friendly answer, and in Japanese the bare "はい" is already the polite form. But a German or Dutch speaker getting a bare "yes" from a person might read it as curt or annoyed.

So my question for people who work or live across cultures: how do you avoid misreading short replies as rude? And if you come from a "bare yes" culture, have you changed how you answer people from a "yes please" culture?

I (20) don’t understand how people can just, talk, to other people. How do you even know where to start? How do you know they won’t just use your words against you? How do you make sure they won’t try to blackmail you with things they did for you in the past? I don’t get it.