I’m in love with a man I’ve never met. I’m also married to a man I love and have no intention of leaving.
My husband is a good man. I love him, admire him, find him attractive, and feel safe with him. We’ve built a good life together and he’s given me so much.
But there’s something I’ve always missed to some degree.. I don’t know how to call uf exactly, romantic attention? emotional openness? sexual excitement… that kind of stuff. I noticed it here and there over the years, but we were busy building our life, dealing with problems, responsibilities, etc. There was always something more important to take care of. And because he gave me so much in other ways, I guess I learned to live without those things..

When life finally settled down a little, I started noticing what was missing more and more. I’ve tried, and still try, to bring some of that into our marriage, but I often feel like I’m the one doing most of the work
Anyway… somewhere along the way I started exploring erotica, fantasies, things that made me feel sexually alive again… long story short I eventually I met someone online.
He’s married too. Neither of us wants to leave our spouses, and from the beginning we agreed that this would never become a physical relationship.
Well… we fell in love.
We’ve been doing this for a while now. We talk about everything, share little things about our days, sometimes, when there is an opportunity, even watch movies together from our own homes. We exchange intimate pictures and have an active sexual relationship, even though we’ve never touched each other.
And this is something that still amazes me. Sometimes when he tells me he’s kissing me softly, I swear I can feel my lips swell. When he describes touching me, my body responds. It’s crazy how real it can feel.
There’s also the attention, the affection, the good mornings and good nights, the feeling of being wanted. We talk openly about sex, what we like, what doesn’t work, what we want to try. He’s curious, willing to listen and explore. And I love that. But our relationship isn’t just about sex. We’ve also become very close emotionally.
Now, I’m not naive. I know that the biggest part of this is fantasy.
We don’t have to deal with everyday life together, and I can already see differences that would drive me nuts if we did. Even sexually, there are things I overlook, and I suspect he does the same. We both make little edits in our heads that help keep the fantasy going.

The strange thing is that this affair has actually taken some pressure off my marriage. I’m not constantly expecting my husband to give me something that doesn’t come naturally to him. And sometimes all that sexual excitement carries over into my marriage too.
But then there are the other parts…
When I feel disconnected from my husband, I often reach for my phone and look for my online friend.
I want him to be happy with his wife. I really do. I’ve encouraged him to spend time with her, work on their relationship, even consider counseling. But sometimes he’ll mention something they’re doing together and suddenly reality crashes into my little fantasy. And I feel jealous. Which makes no sense, considering I don’t want him to leave her!
And yes, there’s guilt. Sometimes a lot of it. I think about how hurt my husband would be if he knew. Other times, especially when I’m feeling lonely or frustrated in my marriage, I don’t feel nearly as guilty. I know that’s not great, but it’s true.
And even though we’ve agreed never to meet, sometimes I catch myself thinking… what if? I don’t plan to act on it, but those thoughts happen.
I also worry about losing him. What if something happened to him? What if one day he just couldn’t contact me? I care about this man and his life, his family, everything. Yet we’re not really part of each other’s real worlds.
Anyway, I guess I’m sharing all this because I’d really like to hear from people who’ve experienced something similar.
Don’t worry about judging my behavior. I already do that.
I just want to hear your stories. What was it like for you?
I appreciate you reading this.

EDIT: I’m not really looking for advice… just experiences from people who’ve had similar, long-termvirtual affairs and how they feel about it. It is lonely being in this position and I understand it’s the price I must pay. However, it would be nice to connect with others in same journey

I’m a cake eater with a happy marriage and a good sex life at home.* I’ve been having affairs for about 3 years, and over the last year I’ve been in therapy to address why.

I’m not using therapy as a way to find an excuse for my behavior, I really just want to understand why I feel so drawn to these relationships outside of my marriage (besides being selfish, which I admit I am). It’s been really helpful and I’ve learned a lot about how my childhood has affected who I am, my patterns, need for validation, self worth, etc.

I feel like my situation is so different from someone in a dead bedroom or otherwise unhappy marriage. So I’m curious if any other cake eaters have been on a similar path and would be open to sharing a bit about their therapy or self awareness journey?

*Not looking for comments around “If I had regular sex with my spouse, I would never have an affair.” We know.

I (32F) am in my first affair with AP (58M). My husband and I have had a very rocky marriage, and I honestly don’t know that we can ever actually fix it. I won’t say that I have never thought of finding someone outside of my marriage, but I will say in that moment of meeting, I wasn’t actively searching for someone.

Now, I’m playing this very close to home. We’re neighbors. Like literally live across the highway from each other. It started one day back in May when I had my two toddlers outside playing and he had just gotten home and stopped to check the mail. I saw the hesitation right before he ran across the street to my driveway. We had only ever briefly talked once prior. He introduced himself and there was that spark when he took my hand. He was the one who reacted to it before I ever said or acknowledged anything.

Our chemistry is incredible and we have started to explore dynamics. I love being his little girl and submissive dirty slut. He’s meeting so many needs for me and I know I am for him too. I’m working on getting over the nervousness of dirty talk in person to him. It’s a me thing, not him. I’m scared of saying the wrong thing or being embarrassed by him, even though he has only ever been supportive, respectful, and kind. It’s just the carry over from my marriage. So, tips welcome on becoming more comfortable with saying the words!

Anyway, I just needed to get that off my chest. I’m a little scatterbrained and hoping that all somewhat made sense.

Question, if you or your AP is on vacation with your respective families, do you still text with them or expect them to text with you while gone?

AP and I were in a long distance relationship for multiple years. We are both married with kids. The first year we saw each other 2 or 3 times but after that we made a concerted effort to see each other as much as possible. The last few years we have been together every other month and texted a couple times a week. We told each other we loved each other once. Even though we didn’t say it much, it was apparent in how we treated each other.

AP recently divorced. It wasn’t AP’s choice. I don’t know much about it other than AP’s spouse wasn’t happy and is the one who drove it. According to AP, the spouse never found out about us. I wasn’t excited about it and considered ending the relationship at that point. However, for a variety of reasons I decided to continue.

When we were together last week AP was off. I tried to talk about it but AP brushed it off and asked for sex. I reiterated that I wanted to talk and AP went out to the bar until late. The next day AP acted like everything was normal and asked for sex. When I said I needed to talk AP again brushed it off and went to the bar until 3 AM. I was asleep when AP got back. I texted him when I left for the airport to call me when he woke up. It’s been 6 days and nothing.

I truly care deeply for AP and appreciate the time we spent together. I tried to talk to AP to no avail. I know I could have fought harder for us but so could have AP. My marriage is emotional draining and so much work already. Truthfully, as disappointed as I am, it’s a relief.

How do you guys make time to meet? I think my biggest struggle atm is finding someone that has the same availability as me. Aside from the hundreds of rejections, the people that do seem interested have regular 9-5 jobs, as most of us do. However, thats the only time I'm available, as in the evenings I can't just get up and leave without the wife wondering or asking questions. My job is fairly flexible, so day meets are the easiest for me.

Any advice for this?

So I posted a very detailed ad on r/affairs. Of course, I got a ton of responses. Now for the task of seeing who makes the cut. The easy part is deleting all the boys who can't read or talk about their dick, then the photo swap, I do this early on to see if they are even interested in my looks and vice versa. Those who survive get moved to alternate platforms.
What are your requirements and deal breakers you discuss straight off the bat?

My partner and I are about 2-3 months in. I’ve seen him maybe 2-3x in the first month. He’s availability is during the day on weekdays when he can. I can do midday, evening or over night but I’m out of town more than he is.

We haven’t seen each other for about a month and a half. The communication lessened as well. Being a woman (hormones) and sexually deprived is a bad combo. lol. He says he still wants me but I beg to differ.

I enjoy his company and sex but is it time to let it go?

How often do you see your partner?
How difficult is it to do evenings or overnight?

I (37F) have a colleague (43M) who split with his wife a year ago. We have similar aged kids and have always worked well together and gotten along socially.

We were laid off at the same time and kept in touch, meeting for lunch occasionally. He helped me get a job where he was working so we are now back at the same workplace, but working for different groups. He plans his in office days on when I will be in so we can meet for lunch and is bummed when we will miss each other for a week.

He’s made a few comments that make me think he’s interested in something more than friendship, but I’m not sure. Once he said our former boss told him she thought him and I would be a great couple after he told her he was getting a divorce. He’s mentioned playing hooky from work and going to a baseball game together. He never talks to me about other women he’s dated or been with since the divorce, but has shared stories of his ex and her new boyfriend.

I love my husband and never considered an affair. But lately I feel like I just need something to feel desired, to be an individual outside of being a mom and wife. I’ve never let on that I’m interested in being anything other than friends, but I find myself thinking about it more and more. I’m wondering if it could be fun to signal back to my friend that I am interested and see how he responds?

My affair partner left me yesterday. I’m crushed. It was a communication issue, I wasn’t being risky enough to make things work. I was the reason it ended and it is tearing me apart. We had a beautiful relationship that lasted nearly a year.. ugh. How do I go back?!

I’m new to this. It’s my first affair. I’ve been nothing but honest with my AP and it feels great to be liked for me. The sex is amazing, I’m trying things I’ve never done before, and really enjoying myself. I feel like I finally get to be me and do the things I want and like.

But I recently discovered some pretty major lies from my AP and now I’m struggling. I have not confronted them yet, I’m trying to understand the reasoning first. I’m honestly not sure why I thought they would be honest with me when clearly we are both liars. I’m feeling disappointed in both them and myself for being so naive, I guess I just thought we could be honest with each other.

As an AP, why have you lied? Why can’t you be yourself and be honest? Help me understand, as this is my first affair.

When meeting with your AP do you take your ring off or leave it on?

I (35f) always wear a simple wedding band. My AP (47m) wears his when we’re out in public but when we’re alone together in the hotel he arrives with it off.

Personally, I find it weird that he does that. I’d prefer that he just keeps it on. Now I’m starting to feel bad I leave mine on.

Yes, I know I could talk about this with him in my big age of 35 but wanted opinions prior to doing so.

My 5 month relationship with AP just got physical and it was amazing. AP has a dead bedroom but me not.
I have seen him every day this week while my SO and kids were away on vacation but I don’t want him or myself putting more energy in each other than in our marriages. For those living close to AP, how often do you meet up so that it is discreet and doesn’t raise suspicions at home? Also, I don’t want to be too entangled with AP so much that he neglects his wife. Kindly advice.

Things with my F35 AP are done. It hurts so much, all I want to do is sending him messages, trying to understand. What are some good things to do to distract yourself and try to think of something else?

I (37F) ended things with my AP three weeks ago. We’ve gone no contact and I’ve been doing pretty well, however when I think about the fact that we’ll never see or talk to each other again, I start feeling anxious and like I need to reach out. The relationship itself was over a long time ago and I’ve tried to end it several times but kept going back for this reason. He was such a big part of my life, someone I loved more than all my other partners, but it just wasn’t working. Like most people on here, I don’t have anyone to chat with about this.

It’s been hard but I truly was miserable at the end. All we did was fight. There was so much miscommunication and misunderstanding. I’m someone who always needed to justify the affair. At the time I started the affair, my husband and I had zero emotional connection. We were roommates, who fought a lot. I have an extremely high sex drive, so we were having sex, but that was as far as our connection went - basically hate fucking 🙃.

He (27M) told me he was in a dead bedroom situation. Or at least he did initially. It was her who never wanted sex. And then it was him who didn’t want it, “because you can only do the same position so many times.” He said it was boring, but also that she never turned him down if he wanted it, but then that story changed as well. At the end he told me he was initiating and enjoying sex with her. He also stopped anything sexual with me. We were exclusively online. I basically felt like a cam girl thrusting myself on him. We used to ‘play’ via video call every day. He just stopped. He made some kind of joke at the one year mark about how ‘this is when the sex stops’ and it broke my heart because I knew, from him, it was true.

Things with my husband have improved. We’ve started therapy. He’s genuinely trying for the first time in our entire relationship. We have three kids.

So he was having sex with his girl more than he was doing anything with me and I was fighting with him more than I was with my husband. It was draining and exhausting and I try my best to remember that on days like today.

I just miss talking with him. I miss seeing his face. It feels like so much has happened in these few short weeks that I haven’t been able to share with him and I really want to, but I know I can’t and it really sucks.

Today I took the step to further end my contact with my AP. I know it has to be done for me to move forward. I ended sexual contact back in February. But we still chat. I need a little bit of encouragement and reminders that I am doing the right thing. I am hurting and he is hurting. But the only person I have to talk about is him. Please tell me this hurt goes away.

First of all, thank you all for being here in this sub and creating this. Years ago my BS made it clear that she was done putting in work for our marriage. Unfortunately, she does not work and there are children involved. I love her and the children, so I will make this work and make them happy. We cannot break this up without bringing far more suffering than sticking together. I won’t get into it but that’s the case. This has been constant torture for me at home for almost our entire marriage. It’s painful.

My W accused me so many times in our early years when I was innocent. I would defend myself and tell her I never had. Which was the truth. I would tell her that I could but chose not to. She would tell me I should. Eventually, I began to think, “she says she wants me to and she seems to already think I do. And this sucks going months without affection. Maybe I should.”

So I started exploring and have had a couple low key NSA and EA irl and online. They’ve been fun but only one has stood the test of time. For years now I have been messaging my LDAP. She seems to be in an identical situation. Long before either of us married we had a very short fling. And the feelings never left. Before I had any EAs or anything she had messaged me and I never thought anything of it. But several years ago we picked back up.

In one very explicit exchange she asked what I was doing the following day. Things had gotten hot and heavy and she was in town. I didn’t want to at the time so I didn’t take the bait. But now I think I would like to move forward and take this to the next level irl. She seems like she is in a very similar space and I believe we could both benefit from this. Our OPSEC has been spotless for half a decade. So I think this would benefit everyone. For instance, my marriage has improved because I no longer need affection from W. I’m able to give W all the emotional and material support W needs. She’s thriving now more than ever. But we’re sexless.

So I need advice about how to proceed. My LDAP doesn’t like discussing details. It’s like she wants this to unfold. It seems like she wants plausible deniability. Like she wants to just meet an old friend to chat or walk but it turns into a tryst. I could be reading it wrong, but I don’t think I am. And I don’t want to discuss explicit plans because I feel it could make it to real and spook her. Last time I was in her town I asked to “catch up.” Her response was something to the effect of, “what’s our excuse to get away from family for the catching up?”

This holiday season I’d like to make another attempt. But how do I do it? Where do I suggest we meet that allows for privacy for a tryst but cover for plausible deniability? Like a place that doesn’t suggest there’s only one thing we both have in mind for this meet i.e. no hotels. How do I lead up to this request as well? Do I engage in another hot and heavy exchange or will that make her feel that I’m only asking to meet for one reason? But if I don’t engage in another hot intimate exchange will she be cooled off and not longing for contact? Please give advice on how to meet and how to lead up to the meet in our communication. Thanks again for the space to vent and thank you for reading.

I(27M) have been with my wife(27) since we were young teens. We’re teen parents and had our kid at 15. The literal only reason we didn’t end up like most teen parents was because my wife’s family was very wealthy. My family disowned me after we found out she was pregnant. Her family took me in on the condition that when we could we get married. They financed us until around 22 when I was able to find a job that was enough to support us.

My wife has never worked outside the home she spent her early 20s being a stay at home mom and homemaker. I am forever grateful for what she was willing to do. We both made sacrifices, but I will forever worship the ground she walks on because I feel she made much harder ones than me. I wasn’t going to ever go to college or be something big. She could’ve been if she hadn’t got pregnant.

I love her, I value her, but for the last 2 years I haven’t felt loved or valued. I don’t feel like a roommate, I feel like she acknowledges me, but I don’t feel as if she views me as more than the role I fill in the household. Passion, romance, energy it’s all gone. I don’t even feel like she has a genuine interest in me. It was a whole fight because I told her that when I ask her about her day, it would feel nice if she asked about my day after telling me about hers.

Our sex life is unsatisfying. Usually when she’s in the mood, she asks that I eat her out, when she’s finished that, we’re done for the night. She won’t even touch me. At first I thought it was my body so I got into shape, nothing changed. Then I thought maybe I wasn't setting the mood for her right, so I tried to be more romantic, take her out more, show her how much she means to me. Nothing changed.

I have planned dates, romantic getaway, and nights in for me and her. The has no enthusiasm. We sent our daughter on a trip through two weekends not to long ago and it was just me and her. It felt like I was talking to myself. I can’t even get a conversation out of my wife. I recommended couples counseling and she refused. I recommend she get screened for depression, refusal.

This is something I miss and crave. Feeling desired and valued, feeling like my words and thoughts matter to someone else. That’s what’s pulling me. I’ve had a ONS with a woman I work it, it didn’t help or feel any different. I realize I don’t like casual sex, I need something meaningful.

I don’t want to ruin my family, but I’m just so fucking unhappy with how things are now. Things she could change if she cared, but that’s just it I don’t think she does

​

I (32F) am married with young children but deeply unhappy in my marriage. My husband developed a severe mental illness three years ago, which has progressively worsened.

I have known my former colleague (24M) for several years. We remained friends and chatted frequently after I was bullied out of the company.

About 18 months ago, he told me he wanted me sexually. Since then, we have had many conversations, often sexual in nature, but never exchanged nudes or had physical contact.

Over those 18 months, his behaviour has been inconsistent:

Sometimes he said he loved me and wanted a relationship, other times he denied having those feelings.

He said women were replaceable and that he would date almost anyone who met his very basic criteria.

Sometimes he messaged constantly, other times he disappeared for a week.

At one point, he dated a woman for four months whom he admitted he was bored with. After she dumped him, he continued messaging me.

Four months ago, he started talking to another woman (28F), whom he seems genuinely interested in. Since then, his contact with me has gradually decreased, although he still says he wants me sexually.

He previously admitted he wanted me to cheat on my husband with him and probably would have gone through with it. However, when confronted directly, he claimed he never seriously expected me to cheat because our conversations were often joking. Now that things are progressing with this new woman, he says he would never cheat on her with me, despite still expressing sexual interest in me.

This double standard really bothers me.

For the past three months, I have been struggling with depression, partly because of my marriage and partly because of this situation. I don't want to divorce because of my children, and I also don't believe leaving one person for another is a healthy basis for a relationship.

I recognise that our conversations have crossed boundaries, even though nothing physical happened. I also feel that I could fall in love with him if I allowed myself to.

What hurts most is feeling that after years of friendship and 18 months of sexual and romantic conversations, he has essentially pushed me aside the moment he found someone he genuinely likes. I suspect that even if we ended up together, he wouldn't really love me.

Does his behaviour suggest genuine feelings, sexual interest without commitment, or simply enjoying the attention? Why was he willing to pursue a married woman but now seems unwilling to risk his own potential relationship?

I'm looking for objective opinions, including criticism of my own behaviour.

My wife and I are in a strained relationship where we kinda resent each other. Our sex life is almost non existent (2-3 times a year maybe if she initiate). We were okay first couple of years of marriage and we had fun but now she does not care about sex as much as I do and she thinks it’s not necessary after 10 years in a marriage. We also don’t communicate at all. If not for the kids and other reasons I don’t want to discuss right now, we would be divorced but right now that is not an option. I’m kinda afraid of her because of the way she reacts. I am always walking on eggshells around her and I am scared to even ask her if I can go get a beer with my friends so I definitely can’t talk to her about being in an open relationship although I feel like she might not care. I have so much resentment that I feel like cheating on her will be my silent revenge but I also feel guilty especially because of the kids. I want to go to a BDSM switch where the pro can be naked as well and there is physical contact but no intercourse. Assuming divorce is not on the table for now, how bad is BDSM without her knowledge?

For those that have found an AP… how long did it take you?? I’ve been searching and searching but still to no success. Curious to hear how long it took some of you after deciding “I’m doing this”

For note in a male in my early 30’s

*Edit after drinking coffee: I do realize this will take a while have been at it on and off for over a year now. Didn’t expect this to be an overnight thing - was genuinely more curious than anything else on how long it took for people in various situations/places/etc

Appreciate all the answers!

Can’t believe it but I’m starting to really consider it. My (34f) husband (38m) stopped wanting sex years ago and I always had to initiate. Eventually I stopped trying after I got pregnant with my daughter. She was born 18 months ago. Lately I’m feeling so resentful and sad thinking that I’m only 34 and the sexual part of my life is over. I honestly want to keep the marriage together and don’t feel leaving anytime soon is what’s best for my daughter.

At any rate, there’s someone I’ve worked with over the past few years who has flirted with me kind of shamelessly. But I think he wouldn’t really make an actual move unless I somehow signal that I’m interested? I’m terrified that if I do, maybe it’ll turn out that he is all talk. How do you know if it’s ok and how do you make a move?

I am here because I have been struggling.
Caught in a nameless situation where I was made use of but I fell in love with him.
We work in the same demanding profession.
He was my senior. Well established, charming, confident.
I was new to the country, vulnerable, lost and very taken by his kindness.
One day on our second meeting during the course of work, at 2am he offered to leave me his number under the pretext of helping me get in touch with him at any time if I needed his help at odd hours while working the gravediggers shift
He is married. It was pretty easy to establish online. I knew it from the first day he texted me which was about 12 hours after he got my number.
He told me he lived with his sister.
I didnt question him. He must have thought I was a fool. In reality I behaved like one.
I had never even kissed a man before him, odd yes, but that was just how I was. Nerdy, geeky, uninterested in the pleasures of the flesh
He pursued me with a serious intensity
Daily texts from 7pm onwards, and bearing in mind he works non stop or at least that is the impression I have of him
Yet he had time for me.
He would text me till I fell asleep.
Once we texted on and off for 21 hours in a day.
He found out I was a virgin
He told me he wanted a friendly kiss
I was so dumb I did not even know what a friendly kiss meant thinking he was referrinf to a peck on his cheek
Anyway we kissed. Just before he kissed me he told it was strictly casual and he warned me to never catch feelings
Problem was, he was too late
I already caught feelings for him
But I agreed
Then 3 months after he started texting we slept together
The first time ever? I thought it would be romantic but he was impatient.
When I was scared and shy he pulled away and left me saying I was not ready
I felt humiliated and sad
I went back to him, asked if we could try again
So it was my fault I invited him back into my life
Anyway immediately after he stopped texting
I was dysregulated
Started eating junk food
Stopped taking care of myself though outwardly no one would have guessed
When I texted him asking if he was done he got angry. He told me he was busy working his pants off for his family and I was too intense and he can’t do more for me.
I didnt even ask him for anything
I just wanted to know if he was done with me
I apologised nevertheless
I cried and cried but I started healing
15 days later he texted me again
Asking how I was and if I wanted to have sex with him again
I said yes
I just missed him so much
In total we slept five times together
6 months ago, two days after the last time we slept together he boarded a flight to north america
New job, new life
He didnt tell me
Not even a goodbye
But I kept texting him and he used to ask for video sex which I obliged to
I only found out about his move by digging into online registries as our profession requires registrations with the regulatory bodies in whichever country we are practising in
When I asked him, he gaslit me. He asked me whoever told me he had migrated. I never told him I found his name on another country’s regulatory body registration.
I stopped texting
Grieved so hard I cried for 7 days, did not sleep well for a very long time, and lost 5 kilos of weight at the end of a week.
It was so bad I am now in therapy
I kept moving through my grief
Took up new projects, new classes, but I never quite forgot him
Two weeks later I went back to him
Texted him again
He didnt ask if I was well he only asked if I missed him
We continued
After this event, he sexualized me even more
I always knew I was his booty call though I loved him
Most recently, last Friday he texts me from work saying he needed a release
He has never done this before, texted from work
The way he approached me as if I was always available on demand virtual booty call and the crude bluntness of his text put me off. I have never said no before this
I told him I was busy, as there is a time difference between our time zones
He said he would wait
He waited until the next day and when I texted him the next morning to ask if his horniness has since been resolved he flipped.
He said there was no further reason to engage with me after my joke had put him off
I panicked
Apologised five times
Offered to make amends
He said no thanks and went silent on me
Eventually I texted him saying I was sad thinking I might have offended him and I pleaded with him to forgive me
He saw the message but did not reply
Finally I told him I will never text him ever again if only he would tell me he was not mad with me
That bargain prompted a reply
I texted him again the next morning saying the behaviour I had engaged in the previous day, where I had repeatedly texted him was abominable behaviour by booty call standards and I apologised again
He said it was all fine
I texted him againthe following day saying I was still open for video calls if he was still comfortable with having me in his life
He said sure.
He never asked if I was well
I was distressed on friday
I am still sad. I miss him.
I never asked him for anything
i know he is married with kids
I just wanted to be his friend
To matter to him beyond sex
Im struggling so badly with this situation
I am not even his AP nor his FWB
I was only a booty call and one that thoroughly degraded her worth in front of him that is
And i also wronged his wife and kids. I know they appear almost as an afterthought but I have thought long and hard of how my choices could have hurt them tol
Its a huge messy burden to deal with
I guess i wrote this to pour all this pain out
I have always coped with pain by writing
If any of you bothered to read this, thank you and I do apologise for this long rant