This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/disappointedbridee

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 14, 2015

• Update: February 20, 2016

• Final Update: June 25, 2016

Main Post

^{November 14, 2015}

I [29F] just got married, and I'm upset and confused about the way my husband [30M] acted the entire day

I'm sorry, this really turned into a novel. I would really appreciate it if you could find the time to read, though.

The wedding was only 2 weekends ago, but I haven't stopped being upset/confused about the way my new husband acted during it.

So, background I guess. We've been together for 7 years. He has a job with a weird schedule, so he only sees his friends a few times a month (about once a week or less). I'm friends with most of his friends and their girlfriends/wives, so we all get together often enough (though he spends time with his friends alone, too).

Our whole relationship, whenever we are with his friends he pretty much forgets I exist. He gets really excited to see them and ditches me pretty much the second we walk through the door. It doesn't usually matter, because we see each other all the time anyway, and I just go off and hangout with the girls.

Aside from that (lol r/relationships cliche), he is my best friend. He is always there for me throughout all of my lowest moments, family issues, everything. He does anything for me (and I for him).

So... our wedding day. During the ceremony, he kept cracking jokes to me while our priest was in the middle of talking. I asked him to stop multiple times, so instead he turned to his brother (best man) and kept whispering/joking with him throughout half the ceremony. The priest noticed and glared at us, until finally I poked him and whispered "Are you marrying your brother? Be quiet."

After the ceremony, we went back to the limo with our bridal party. I thought we were both going to be so giddy to finally be married, but his attention almost immediately shifted to his "bros." Someone handed me a drink (clear, luckily), and I tripped over my husbands foot and ended up spilling half of it on his shoes and the bottom of my wedding dress. He YELLED at me, in front of everyone! And said "that was your fault, so don't try to blame me!" (I hadn't even said anything, I just tried to move my dress away). My mouth dropped. I couldn't believe, immediately after getting married, he was literally yelling at me in front of our whole bridal party instead of being happy.

A minute went by, and he apologized. I told him I couldn't believe he would do that to me after we had just gotten married, and he begged me not to let it upset me the whole rest of the night after we paid so much money/spent so much time trying to make the day perfect. I let it go.

Once the reception started, though, I realized that our wedding would go just like any other friend gathering: him ditching me the entire time to hangout with them. I didn't see him once during cocktail hour (which we attended), and throughout the party after, everyone kept stopping me and asking me where he was and why we weren't together at our own wedding. Every time I found him, he would disappear again.

I started getting kind of upset, and felt neglected. The one day that should be about us as a couple, and I couldn't get him to spend more than a full minute with me. At one point, I was standing in the middle of the dance floor by myself, looking around, and his sister came up to me and asked me what was wrong (I guess it showed on my face), so I told her the truth: "Your brother is really upsetting me; I want to spend time with him and he keeps leaving."

So she marched over to wherever he was and told him to go talk to me, so he came over to me and I told him I would really like to spend time with him, that this day was for the two of us and I wanted to have some moments together. He said "all these people came for us, I have to spend time with them!" But he did dance with me for a minute before disappearing again.

The photographer told us at one point after dinner that he wanted to take photos of the 2 of us outside, so my husband and I began to follow him and his crew when the next minute, my husband had gone off with a friend again. Even the photographers were getting frustrated with him at this point, and told me so.

By the end of the night he was plastered, so there was no point of trying to communicate with him anymore. We had an after party during which I just hungout with his brother and sister because once again, he was off somewhere with his friends.

I tried to talk to him about this the next day after everything settled, and although he apologized for hurting my feelings, he maintained that all of his married friends told him that they barely saw their wives during their weddings either (interesting that the ones he quoted are getting divorced, though). So he thinks he's justified, and that I'm being dramatic. I've dropped it because, fuck, I just married him. I want to actually enjoy that fact, damn it!

But it's still bothering me, and I don't know if he's right and I just had unreasonable expectations??

tl;dr: My husband and I just got married, and I barely saw him throughout the entire reception/after party. He says it's justified because "nobody has time to spend with their husband/wife on their wedding day with all these other people around," and maintains that I'm just being dramatic about it even though it really hurt my feelings.

COMMENTS

H3pha

He fucked up.

This was a day that his focus should have been solely on you, just as your focus should be on him. It should bother you more, in my opinion. He's not justified, he's just an ass.

The fact that you dropped it because you got married is wrong. Don't ignore the issue. He may have married you, but he ditched you ... On your wedding day.

OOP

I don't know how to bring it up again. I tried multiple times the next day, and he apologized, but didn't believe he did anything wrong.

H3pha

What did he apologize for then? That's hardly an apology if he didn't think he did anything wrong.

OOP

He "was sorry that I felt that way, it wasn't his intent."

OOP (downvoted)

Yes. He's good to me, so this was weird as hell.

LittlePrincess4

Our whole relationship, whenever we are with his friends he pretty much forgets I exist.

Is it really though?

OOP

Yea, you're right. And it isn't every time, but it happened in the beginning of our relationship to the point where I tried to break up with him, and he stopped until I ended up becoming really close friends with them myself. Now he figures I can fend for myself with them, and I can, so it stopped bothering me.

Zombiedrd

What the shit. The husband and wife should be inseparable on their wedding day. You should be more upset.

OOP

On the day, I was. And I was PISSED! We spent so much money, and so much time, that I was almost in shock at the fact that I felt like crying. I mean, everything was perfect, the vendors were amazing, the venue was even more amazing, everyone told me it was the best wedding they have ever attended. I should have been over the moon. But.. I was so sad.

Update - after 3 months, 6 days

^{February 20, 2016}

UPDATE: I [29F] just got married, and I'm upset and confused about the way my husband [30M] acted the entire day

I'm not sure how many people remember my post, since it is three months old now. However, I thought about it randomly tonight and thought I'd provide an update.

After I posted this, I showed the thread and all of its many (awesome) responses to my husband. At first, he was kind of peeved that I shared it with so many people (I got hundreds of upvotes that I wasn't expecting, and I think it made him feel less anonymous). However, I gave him time to process it while I played with our cat, and when I came back he looked really sad.

He ended up apologizing, and asking me what he could do to show him I meant the world to him. I told him there was nothing; I just wanted him to know how much it upset me. I told him honestly that, while most people think of their wedding day as the best day of their life, I didn't get the opportunity to feel that way about mine. I still don't. I'm happy I married him, but my wedding was a big clusterfuck of nerves and annoyance. I did have fun at various points during the evening, and I don't remember it only resentfully, but it wasn't hashtag best.day.ever.

But, you know what, that's okay.

We talked about it in detail, and then we went on an amazing honeymoon. And then he surprised me with a second honeymoon to a place in our country that I've been dying to go to for ages.

I know we're still newlyweds, but I feel like we've been in a better place. Since being married, he's been a lot more affectionate than he used to be. He was always nice to me, but he was always the "doing" type of lover (he shows love by doing things for me instead of showing me physical affection or telling me things). But lately he's been doing a lot to show me he loves me in other ways.

We've hungout with friends a lot since then, and while I still maintain that I don't want to be joined at the hip at social gatherings (I truly don't, which is why this issue has never really come to a head before), he's been checking in with me more than he used to.

In the end, I think we were just so used to the way we normally act in social situations after 7 years, that it was hard to change that for just one day. Typically, we both go off to hangout with other people (I said in the old thread that at this point most of our friends are mutual), that it was atypical for him to spend a lot of time around me -- who he sees every day -- instead of entertaining the people who came out to celebrate with him.

I've forgiven him... But I told him on our one year anniversary he owes me a nice dinner at the catering hall (which also has a restaurant) we got married at ;)

tl;dr: We talked, a few months went by since then, everything has been pretty great regardless of what happened on our wedding day.

COMMENTS

HotDogKnights

I remember your original post and it infuriated me.

Other than just apologize, did he even explain why he acted the way he did, in particular the wise cracks during the ceremony and screaming at you in the limo?

I think it's great that you had a great honeymoon and he's been nicer to you since, but I still think you need to get to the bottom of why he treated you the way he did.

OOP

Yes, he did. About the wisecracks: he was really nervous, and he diffuses nerves through humor. It was in poor form, and I'm still not happy about it, but he wasn't trying to be malicious in any way.

The yelling at me part, that one was harder to swallow. He thought since it was sort of his fault that beer spilled on my dress, that I was going to get really angry at him for it (expensive dress, high emotions). I didn't, because nothing was going to ruin my mood, but he reacted defensively. Yeah, not awesome. I was only able to let it go because I know he never typically acts out like that. This was the one part of the day, more than everything else, that I was the most angry about in the days and weeks following.

So, yeah not great reasons, unfortunately, but I still understand. I wasn't the best at managing my emotions either that day. I ended up snapping at his cousin inside the church because he accidentally opened the doors in front of me right before my entrance, but before the bridal party had a chance to walk. I apologized to him a million times for it, though.

Final Update - after 7 months, 11 days (after 4 months, 5 days from last post)

^{June 25, 2016}

Final update: comments

Holy shit haha I logged in today out of random curiosity, and saw this.

Yeah, our marriage is really good, actually. I made him read my OP, and he completely realized why I was hurt and apologized a million times and made up for it.

I know everyone here was calling for blood, but he's my best friend in the world and my biggest cheerleader, and I love him more than my own life.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Icy_Track_7817 in r/ marriageadvice

Original: Oct 1, 2026

Update 1: Oct 2, 2026

Update 2: Oct 5, 2026

Status: concluded as per OOP

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Original: 35M — My wife (26F) came back from a girls’ trip and I barely recognize her anymore

My wife (27F) and I (35M) have been married for 6 years and we have two kids, a 5-year-old and a 4-year-old.

Things between us were never perfect, but honestly, I thought we were doing pretty well. We had our routines, we'd argue sometimes like any couple, but there was still affection and we were raising our kids together.

A few months ago, she went on a girls’ trip with some friends. I was completely fine with it. I stayed home with the kids and told her to enjoy herself. But when she came back, something felt different.

She started dressing differently, spending much more time on her phone, and suddenly wanted to go out with friends almost every weekend. She's also become much more distant with me. We barely have any physical affection anymore, and whenever I try to talk about it, she tells me I'm being controlling or paranoid.

The weirdest part is that she keeps saying the trip "opened her eyes" and that she realized she'd been putting herself last for years.

I don't want to be the husband who tells his wife she can't have friends or go out. I actually want her to be happy. But it feels like I came home from that trip with a completely different wife. We have two young kids, and I'm worried about what all of this means for our family.

I haven't accused her of cheating because I genuinely don't know if that's what's happening. I just know something has changed, and I don't know how to approach it without making things worse.

Has anyone experienced something similar after their partner suddenly changed following

TL;DR: My wife came back from a girls trip acting completely different. She's more distant, wants to go out more, and says the trip made her realize she'd been putting herself last. I don't know if something happened or if I'm overthinking it.

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Additional details in comments:

[timeline of relationship -- dating and marriage?]

OOP: No, we started dating when she was 20 and I was 29. We were together for about a year before getting married. She’s turning 27 in a few days.

---------
OOP: Yeah, that was my mistake. I meant “she married young,” not “we married young.” English is my second language, and I don't live in an English-speaking country, so I'm doing my best with the wording. 😅

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OOP: I never wanted to say this but there were a lot of reasons we married young. She was trying to get away from a pretty abusive family situation and wanted to start her own life. We were already serious, so marriage felt like the right step for us at the time and about kids she made the decisions,

when she said she just wants two kids i didn’t complain, I always support her. When she continued studying i was home with the kids. I never tell her no, I was the one who suggested this girls trip because she has never done it before.

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[does she feel pressured/trapped?]

OOP: I understand what you're saying, and that's honestly what I'm trying to figure out. I don't want to stop her from going out or make her feel trapped. She has always had freedom and I've supported her doing things for herself.

I'm just struggling with how different she became after the trip and what that means for us. I definitely think we need to sit down and talk about what she feels she's missing and whether we can find a middle ground.

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Comments:

Comment1: You married her at 20 and she had her first kid at 21. That was way too young off her and she’s finally realizing she missed her early 20s single life where a lot of adults discover themselves. Be prepared for more difficult times. It’s just an age old story of getting with someone too young before they’ve really matured and figured out what they want in life.

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Comment2 (shortened): I may get downvoted into oblivion for this, but I just think this is a bad take. There is no objectively right age for marriage. Everyone is different. A hundred years ago, people were getting married in their teens. The idea that you need to "live it up" in your twenties is a relatively new notion that we've come to think we're entitled to.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. If you want to live it up in your twenties, live it up. But there isn't some objectively correct age to get married. People get married at all kinds of different ages, and there are different trade-offs to marrying at different stages of life.

.......So I think it's a mistake to say, "You got married in your early twenties? Well, that was a mistake." That's just not a good way to look at it.

We all make choices, and sometimes we look back and think the grass would have been greener on the other side. The reality is that every path has trade-offs. We make the choices we make, and we have to make the best of them while appreciating what we have and recognizing the advantages that came with those choices.

Trying to make this guy feel like he "stole his wife's youth" simply because she married young is, in my opinion, a poor and somewhat condescending way of looking at it.

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Update 0.5

Just to clarify because a lot of people are assuming she has no freedom because we married young. She has always had her own life. She has her own business, goes to yoga classes, sees her friends, and can go out whenever she wants.

I actually take care of the kids most of the time, and we share the housework. I’ve never expected her to just be a wife and mother 24/7.

I encouraged her to take the girls’ trip and even paid for it. That’s why her coming back and suddenly saying she feels like she’s been putting herself last has been confusing to me. I’m not saying she shouldn’t have freedom. I’m trying to understand what she feels she’s been missing.

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Update 1 (next day)

We had a proper conversation. She did meet some people, including some guys, while she was on the trip. She promised me nothing happened, and I believe her.

She explained that the trip made her realize how much she misses having her own life outside of being a wife, businesswoman, and mom. She loves me and the kids, but she wants to spend more time traveling, exploring, and meeting different people.

Honestly, I think I was so focused on whether something happened on the trip that I wasn't really listening to what she was trying to tell me. So we've decided to take a trip together and leave the kids with their grandparents for a few days.

And to everyone saying I took her younger adulthood from her, she actually asked me to say this: she chose me, and she doesn't regret that choice. She knows she got married young, but she doesn't see our marriage as something that was taken from her. She just wants more space to have a life outside of being a wife and mom, and I'm going to support that.

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Update 2 (3 days later): I found out what really happened on my wife’s girls trip

I honestly didn't think I'd be making this update, but a lot has happened since my last post.

It was my wife 27th birthday and I planned a surprise for her. I even reached out to some of her friends, even though I'm not exactly their biggest fan. The party went really well, and honestly, for the first time in a while I felt like things between us were getting better.

Later I happened to see a message on her phone from one of her friends. I know her password and she knows mine, so it wasn't like I was going through her phone. At first the message was just about the party and how lucky she was to have me. Then I saw something that made my stomach drop.

Her friend told her not to tell me what happened on the girls trip now that things between us were getting better. I confronted my wife. At first she denied that anything happened and asked me if I trusted her. I kept asking her to be honest with me, and eventually she admitted it.

Something did happen on the trip. She told me she had been drinking, ended up with another guy, and cheated on me. She says it happened once, it was a mistake, and she regretted it afterward.

I'm honestly devastated. Not just because she cheated, but because she was going to take that secret to the grave while I was sitting here defending her and telling everyone I trusted her.

I left the house and I'm taking a break for now. She keeps apologizing and asking me to forgive her, but I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with all of this yet.

I know a lot of people warned me. I genuinely believed you guys were assuming the worst about her. I guess I was wrong about that. I'm not making any decisions while I'm this angry. I just need some time to figure out what happens nexts.

I don't know what to do now. I love my wife, but I'm hurt that she cheated and then lied about it. Should I try to work through this or take some time apart?

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Update 2.5

I really appreciate all the advice, comments, and questions. I’ve been reading them, even if I can’t reply to everyone. Sometimes it’s hard for me to understand some of the comments because English isn’t my first language and I don’t speak it very well. I use translation sometimes so I can understand and respond properly. Thanks for being patient with me.

--------------------------------------------

AND LASTLY I think this might be my last update for a while. First, thank you to everyone who has checked on me and asked how I’m doing. I really do appreciate it, even if I haven’t replied to everyone.

For the people saying I’m lying or making up things about my life, honestly I just don’t have the energy to argue with people anymore. Some people will believe me and some won’t. That’s fine.

I’m going to take a break from Reddit and get some professional help. I also need to focus on my kids and try to keep things as normal as possible for them.

About divorce, DNA tests, STI tests and all that, I’ll deal with those things when I’m ready. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do about my marriage yet.

I came back because some people genuinely cared and wanted to know how I was doing. But I don’t think I want to keep sharing every detail of my private life here. Maybe I’ll come back someday when I’m in a better place. For now, I just need some time away.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Designer_Orchid94 posting in r/offmychest

Concluded as per OOP

Previous BORU here by u/secure-raspberry-763

Thanks to u/Latter-Republic-4516 for noticing the updates

4 updates - Long

Original - 9th July 2023

Update - 11th July 2023

New Updates

(https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/163nqri/my_wife_has_turned_into_a_nymphomaniac_since_her/) - 28th August 2023

(https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/18s3q71/i_cheated_on_my_wife_and_now_she_wont_talk_to_me/) - 27th December 2023

(https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/1c6fyp9/i_miss_it_when_my_wife_was_pregnant_do_you_guys/) - 17th April 2024

I am glad that my wife's ex cheated on her.

I know the title sounds bizarre but hear me out. My wife and I used to be neighbors. I was working as an electrician at that time. I saw her the day she moved in. She looked really sad and lonely. I decided to help her move in because there was no one to do that for her.

From then we used to bump into each other a lot. I wanted to speak more to her but she never seemed interested in me. One day I saw her crying in front of the stairs. She looked really devastated. From there I got to know her story. She has dealt with a lot of health issues. She had multiple cysts in her breasts that she had to go in operations.

She was also suffering from PCOS which actually affected her fertility. She used to be married to a man but he cheated on her with her bestfriend and got her pregnant. Then he kicked her out and slapped her with divorce paper. I sat there with her because I know she needed a real friend. I wasn't really expecting anything in return.

We got closer and closer and I finally grew some balls to ask her out. I didn't care if she could give me kids or not. I just wanted to be with her because she is an awesome lady and life wasn't fair towards her. We dated for few years and then got married.

She has been my rock. I wanted to go back to school and finish my diploma and she has supported me through it. I always tell her that I am really lucky to have her in my life. I never knew what family felt like until I married her. I grew up in an abusive family. It took me years of therapy to cope with it. But with her I feel like I have peace in my life. I love her so much that words are not enough to express it.

Now, as I am writing this, she is sleeping on my lap while she was watching a Barbie marathon. I know one other thing about her. It is that she is pregnant and hasn't told me. The only reason I know because I found her planner when I borrowed her laptop for something. I opened it and discovered she has planned to tell me about the pregnancy 3 days later on our wedding anniversary. Can't say I haven't noticed it yet.

I have observed her breasts have become bigger and her moods have shifted. She also vomits in the morning. I will not spoil this surprise for her. I know it makes me sound like a bad person but in a way I am glad her husband cheated on her. Otherwise I wouldn't have had this angel in my life.

I mean think about it. If her husband hasn't cheated on her and left her, we would probably never meet and will go by my life like a helpless person trying to cope with loneliness. I am glad it happened. And I am sure she feels that too. Just not the way I do. If I ever encounter her husband I will probably punch him first then hug him and say "Thank you and fuck you, you piece of shite"

Comments

MadamnedMary

You have to practice in the mirror your surprise face, I imagine you hugging her and kissing, you two are already a family, you will add one more little one to the mix, hopefully everything goes well, she will need your patience, love and help more than ever. Happy for you.

nightfishing89

I’m glad my ex husband cheated on me too. Like your wife, I struggled with PCOS and infertility despite trying for a decade. After he left me, I thought that this was the end and there was no way I would ever find love or be loved. Who knew that the perfect man (in my eyes, at least) would come along. I’m also 3 months pregnant now. So, congratulations to you and your wife! Wishing you guys all the happiness in the world.

awildlumberjack

As someone else put it, it does sound bad when you read it at first, but I understand the feeling. You have the love of your life and you met her because unfortunately something bad happened to her. I would probably phrase it more like, “I’m happy that I noticed my future wife on one of her saddest days and was there to support her, so that I could meet her and eventually become her soulmate”. Good on you all around man!

OOP: Yes exactly how I wanted to put it. Not that I enjoy watching her suffer. Those days when she got the invitation of her ex-bestie and ex's wedding invitation card she was miserable. Those days actually brought us together.

Update - 2 days later

I posted here 2 days ago. People have been asking me to give an update. I am here with an update. Not as good as people thought it would be. So, today she came home from work. She looked really worried. I thought she would be happy because tomorrow is our anniversary.

We have plans and usually she is excited and always talks about what she can do. I asked her how her day went. She cried. I was scared. I was scared for us and our baby. She told me she has been keeping a secret from me and she wanted to tell me on our anniversary. I didn't tell her that I already knew. She told me she was pregnant.

She has know about this 2 weeks and she is 8 weeks pregnant. She noticed some changes and took a test. She didn't want to tell me early because she was afraid to have a miscarriage. Years ago when she was with her ex husband, she had 2 miscarriages around 6 weeks. She was afraid this will end in miscarriage too so she didn't want to disappoint me.

She though if she had a miscarriage only she will know, it will not effect me. But when she reached up to 8 weeks mark she decided to tell me. But she went to the doctor today taking a half day from work. The doctor told her she is still in risk of miscarriage and a complicated pregnancy. That's why she was afraid. She said she cannot keep it a secret.

Her plan was ruined because of it and so she is telling me this early. I tried to calm her down. I told her if she stresses about it, it will not be good to either you or the baby. We can only hope for the best. No matter what happens I will be with her throughout this journey. She asked me if I had known about this. I told her yes I did. She smiled and said she figured it out because last few days I have been stroking her belly a lot.

We are still planning on the reveal. I might as well act surprised even though it was spoiled by me. Am I tensed? Yes, because a complicated pregnancy means either she survives or the child. But we can hope for the best and both my child and wife will be safe.

The doctor said since she is in her mid 30s she is way more prone to stillbirths and other pregnancy related complications. We might get a second opinion on it soon. But for now we are enjoying our years together.

Comments

dasbarr

This is adorable. I'm just picturing you feeling like you're the best secret keeper ever only to be constantly touching your partners stomach. Lol.

mh6797

I had 2 miscarriages and then a healthy baby boy. Try not to stress to much and stay positive.

New Updates

Update - My wife has turned into a nymphomaniac since her pregnancy. - 6 weeks later

It's only been like 2 months since she announced her pregnancy. But she has turned into a sex machine. She constantly wants sex. I try my best as much as I can but I am working overtime often now because we will soon have a new addition. She always wakes up every morning and asks for sex. Even when I come home at night. She works from home so, she is stuck in home all day. I tell her to go meet her friends or even some family. I thought this will keep her mind off me. But no, she would still text me and say she wants it.

I tried to tell her that she should experiment with toys but she wants sex with me. Few days ago we went to a restaurant on a date. She was being too handsy and starting touching, we got looks from everyone. I know I know people here will tell me to just enjoy it. That it will not be the same after we have kids. But it is exhausting. I can't keep up with her. I can only do so much. I love her a lot. I don't want to hurt her feelings by saying no. I know I can say no, but that doesn't solve the issue. So, can you folks give me some advice that works for both of us.

Comments

Regular-Bat-4449

Cut back on the overtime. No one ever said on their deathbed, " Gee, I wish I worked more." Enjoy the ride while you can. It'll slow down pretty quickly.

OOP: That's some solid advice. I will look into it. But on the other hand baby stuffs do not come cheap. That's why I am working overtime so that I can give a comfortable life for both my wife and our child.

Regular-Bat-4449

Meh, take it from a guy on the other side of life ( now retired). The overtime will still be there later. Take care of your wife and then the baby 👶. Everything else will fall into place, and 5 or 10 years from now, you will both be in a much better headspace

[deleted]

You'll be back here next year saying "My wife hasnt wanted sex in a year how do i get her to want me again" lol

No but seriously. This is not going to last. dont worry. easier said than done but try to enjoy it, do what you can and if you have too,let her know that you'd love to give it to her every time she wants it but that your man parts can only take so much.. or something along those lines lol.Instead of telling her to use the toy maybe suggest that you can use the toy/vibrator on her, if your both open to that?? Shes probably super horny but also wants intimacy with you. So doing alone isnt the same.... Speaking from experience, her hormones are at an all time high and she probably feels closer to you than ever. Congratulations and enjoy it while it lasts 😊.

OOP: I don't want it to die out either. I know I shouldn't complain but I have my limits. We are usually always in sync. But now she is hyper sexual. I get tired a lot.

Update - I cheated on my wife and now she won't talk to me - 4 months later

I cannot believe I am saying this. This is something I did not plan to happen. I love my wife with all my heart. It was just a one time mistake. I fucked up. Now she is ignoring me. Calling me cruel names. But honestly can you blame me? I am a man with needs. I have hunger inside of me. I couldn't control myself. You know how men become animals when they have desire.

So, today when my wife was out. I lost my control. I couldn't believe I did what I did but I opened the fridge and ate her cookies and cream. Earlier that day she told me she will eat it later and told me not to touch it. But I did. I was hungry. She came home earlier and caught me red handed with spoon inside my mouth. I told her "This is not what it looks like". But she cried and ran upstairs. She says she can't trust me anymore. Damn you cookies and cream. 😫😫😫.

Comments

koalaqueen_

You don’t love her. Lol

OOP: I do. It was one mistake. 😥.

koalaqueen_

You need to prove your love, I say go to the store right now 😪.

Update - I miss it when my wife was pregnant. Do you guys miss the pregnancy stage too? - 4 months later

My wife gave birth 4 weeks ago. We have a beautiful little girl. We are both exhausted and cannot catch a breath. I started reminiscing the times when she was pregnant. I know it was difficult for her. I mean she was growing an entire human inside her body. But I remember the times we spent together. I miss her moodiness and her emotional state.

The first stage of pregnancy she had a glow. Her skin was glowing, her lips were fuller and she had mad curves. Like it was driving me crazy. Her sex drive was through the roof. We took advantage of the time. Though I was always busy but I took days off from work just to be with her. Not saying she looks bad. She is still the most gorgeous woman I ever laid my eyes on. But pregnant her was different. I remember when she would nibble on food whenever she saw her favorite food. It was fascinating to me.

I miss her anger too. She would get angry at random things and I loved to calm her down because after she calmed down she would get sad for being angry at something stupid. I can say pregnant her was an emotional rollarcoaster but I enjoyed every moment of it. Now we are parents. We gave responsibilities. She and I are always exhausted because of our daughter.

I know I cannot ask her to get pregnant now. And probably not even in future because we can only afford one kid now. But I do miss her being pregnant. Having a round stomach, I would always put my hand on it. I would feel the kick of my baby. Has anyone felt like this? I know a lot of husbands think their wife being pregnant was an awful time.

Comments

UnevenGlow

I bet she doesn’t miss it

UnfairNeighborhood3

My wife says I've never loved her more than when she was pregnant...

Hoping-Ellie

Look this is adorable & all, really. But speaking as someone who is currently pregnant: ughhhhh I’m so over it and knowing my husband thinks I’m adorable & glowing helps but still doesn’t mean I’m enjoying pregnancy.

But sincerely, congrats on new baby & on loving your wife so well!

ShartyPants

This is really cute. I think the anticipation of a baby coming can paint a really rosy picture of how things are. But I’m glad you loved that stage, I don’t think my husband would agree haha. Your wife sounds like a lucky lady. :)

[deleted]

I do. While I don’t have the mental capacity to take on anymore myself, I miss the entire process.

I miss the excitement of finding out. Each of the pregnancies I knew something was up before she did. Her body temp, her physical features, etc.

I miss seeing her so happy and excited to welcome a child into the world. Her tears of joy, how she kissed me and told me she loved me while we were in the operating room.

I cried this past fall when our youngest turned five. I just miss even the early days of parenting. I was the one who got up in the middle of the night, not joking, 99% of the time. I was the one who handled vomit, taking care of them when they needed reassurance that they would be fine.

My wife’s food aversions were hilarious. And I loved when she would ask for a Jimmy John’s sandwich right after giving birth, now that she felt comfortable of not having issues with lunch meat.

I miss it more than she knows.

OOP: Hey man I read your posts. I am so so sorry you are going through a tough times. I am not a marriage expert but all those things you just told me, say that to your wife. You clearly love her and you guys are clearly going through a rough patch. Maybe the circumstances aren't great. But please tell her those things. Me and my wife were not the richest.

She was doing a mediocre job and I was still training when I met her. We were by no means rich. We went on cheap dates. We are fortunate enough to have more now but still we do cheap dates and just cook together. Do something like that. In these tough times your wife needs you. I cannot say your financial situation will be better but just try and stay together. It is clear you guys still love each other. Not expressing that love will only create distance. I hope your life gets better man.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Stunning-Region-9484 posting in r/AITH

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 9th October 2026

Update - 15th October 2026

AITA for demanding we move out after my mother-in-law asked for a DNA test and my husband wants us all to keep living together?

I (28F) have been married to my husband (30M) for two years. We live with his mother (55F) in the family home, and we have a 4-month-old son. In the beginning, my MIL and I got along fine. She was strict, but I thought that was just her personality.

Three weeks ago, at the dinner table, she said she wanted a DNA test for the baby. When I asked why, she said the baby “doesn’t look like our side of the family” and that she “just wanted peace of mind.” She said it so casually, as if she was asking me to pass the salt.

I was shocked. I told her I have never given anyone a reason to doubt me, and I walked out of the room crying. I stayed with my sister for two days.

My husband came to get me, and to his credit, he took my side. He told his mother the request was disrespectful and that he would never put his wife through a test like that. She said she “only asked a question” and that I was being dramatic.

Here is where the problem is. After all this, I told him I want us to move into our own place. I can’t sit at that table every day across from someone who looked at my baby and thought I was lying. He said he understands why I’m hurt, but he can’t leave his mother alone. His dad passed away a few years ago, and he’s her only son. He wants us all to continue living together and “work it out.”

I told him that supporting me in words is not enough if I have to keep living under the same roof as the person who accused me. He said I’m forcing him to choose between his wife and his mother. I said I’m not asking him to cut her off, only to give us some distance.

Now he’s barely speaking to me, his relatives are calling me selfish, and my MIL is acting like the victim.

AITA for insisting on moving out?

EDIT: Thank you all for the kind words and for taking the time to comment. I can’t reply to everyone, so here are the answers to the most common points.

Many of you said this is a husband problem more than a MIL problem. I think you’re right. What she said hurt, but what hurts more is feeling that I have to keep sitting at that table as if nothing happened.

To those asking if I’m going to leave: no, not today. My sister has offered me a room, so I know I have somewhere safe to go. But I want to give my husband a real chance to understand what I need. We are talking this weekend.

To those who suggested a DNA test for her son: I thought about it, but I don’t want to turn this into a revenge war. My son would be the one stuck in the middle.

I’m not asking my husband to cut off his mother. I’m only asking for some distance and an apology. She is 55 and fully capable of living on her own.

I will update once we have talked. Thank you again.

Comments

tiredgummybear

You’re being gaslighted by his whole damn family. They can take her in, you can move out with the baby and your husband can stay there - OR he can take his head out of his ass and stand up for his family and your right to have your home be a safe and pleasant place for you. NTA but stand your ground. He’s either a husband or a mama’s boy, he can’t be both.

GoshenGal

I know a lot of you won’t like this but, even the Bible says you leave your family and cleve to your wife. Plus I wouldn’t want to life in someone else’s house. Even if it were a tiny apartment it would be your family’s

wutadinosaur

Demand that she take a DNA test for her son

OOP: I get the idea, but I don’t want to fight fire with fire. A DNA test would only make things worse, and my husband would see it as an attack on his mother. I’d rather she understand how much her words hurt without me doing the same to her.

Informal_Market6008

His dad passed away a few years ago, and he’s her only son.

So?

If this is a post from a non-USA'n, I'd understand cultural obligations .. I guess. But, I'm an elderly woman living in a community of other oldsters. Your MIL's plight is not atypical of the expected trajectory of a woman's life.

I have widow ladies living on each side of me, across the way, and on the next street over. Given the typical lifespan of men, I expect to join them in the not too distant future.

Believe me - NONE of us make demands on family to fill in that loss. Even the 93-year-old Phyllis, two doors down from me. Since she had her stroke last year, her son checks in on her in the morning to make sure she's still alive, then she dismisses him with a crackling "not dead today. Check again tomorrow!"

Unless your MIL has some sort of incapacity, the women of my neighborhood would sneer at her for taking over the life of her son and demeaning her DIL as she has you. Your husband would get eye daggers in the back, too.

**Judgement - NTA*\*

Update - 6 days later

Hi everyone. Thank you to everyone who commented on my first post. I read almost all of your replies, even the harsh ones. I said I would update after our family meeting this weekend, so here it is.

Quick recap: I (28F) live with my husband (30M) and his mother (55F). Three weeks ago, my MIL asked for a DNA test for our 4-month-old son because he “doesn’t look like our side of the family.” I asked my husband for distance, and he said he couldn’t leave his mother alone.

A lot of you were split. Some said I was overreacting. Many said I should never take the test. But after a lot of thinking, I decided something different.

I am going to do the DNA test.

Before anyone attacks me, let me explain why. I don’t need it. I have always known who my son’s father is. But I realized this doubt would never go away. Every time my son looked a little different, she would whisper again. Every time there was a fight, this would come back. I’m not doing it for her. I’m doing it so this question is closed forever.

I already asked a friend where such a test can be done, and I’m planning to book it myself. My husband didn’t push me. If anything, he would have kept everything the same and “worked it out” while I sat across from her every day. I told him clearly that I am doing this because he is not willing to leave his mother, so I have to carry the burden of proving myself.

At the family meeting this weekend, I said this in front of everyone:

“I will do the DNA test. But I have one condition. When the result comes back and it matches my husband, and it will, I will move out and live in a separate home with my husband and my son. And my mother-in-law will not be moving in with us.”

The room went silent. Some relatives said I was being harsh. My MIL said she “only wanted peace of mind.” I told her peace of mind should not come at the cost of destroying my dignity.

I also decided one more thing. When my son grows up and becomes mature, I will tell him the truth about what happened, that his own grandmother once doubted his mother and made her go through this. I won’t lie about it, and I won’t hide it.

At the very least, I want her to feel regret for what she did. She may never apologize, but when that report comes back, she will have to live with it.

So, AITA for making the test conditional on us moving out? And am I wrong to want my MIL to feel the consequences of her own words?

Comments

Careless-Ability-748

The bigger question is will your husband move? You can make a decision for yourself but you can't make it for him.

OOP: You’re right, and that’s the part I can’t control. I can decide what I’m willing to live with, but I can’t decide for him. That’s exactly why I’m not springing this on him. The condition was said at the family meeting, in front of everyone, so he heard it clearly and nobody can say later that they didn’t know.

I’m not asking him to abandon his mother. I’m asking for a separate home, close enough that he can visit her every day if he wants. If the result matches and he still refuses to move, then that tells me where I stand in this marriage, and I’ll have to decide what I do next with that knowledge. But I’m not going to live the rest of my life across the table from someone who doubted my child.

Ok-Chemistry9933

If he wants to stay home with his mommy, your only choice should be divorce. This kind of thing will continue to happen.

facinationstreet

I will move out and live in a separate home with my husband and my son

You should have moved out before the 'family' meeting and left your husband behind with his mommy, put him on child support and alimony and moved on.

MelissaRC2018

I was going to say get the rest the court and if he doesn’t want to move she has the dna through the court to file child support. And if he doesn’t move or tries to move her back he’s gone and I would file

Lowermains

Insist that your husband has a DNA TEST comparing her husband’s dna. Your Bitch of a … Seems to be projecting.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/momshire posting in r/AmItheAsshole

Status: Concluded

Mood Spoiler: Optimistic

Editor's note: The following definitions of some British words might help

Grammar School: a state-funded secondary school that selects its pupils based on academic ability. They often achieve high exam results comparable to top private schools.

11+: a selective entrance examination taken by children in England during the autumn term of Year 6(usually when they are 10 or 11 years old) to gain admission to state grammar schools

Oxbridge: British slang that collectively refers to the University of Oxford and the University of Cambridge

Original - January 8th 2026

Hi, I wanted to get some perspective here. We live in the UK, and my husband and I have two kids. My daughter is 10, and very driven, very intelligent, gets raving feedback from her teachers. She tells me she gets done with her work 15 miniutes into the class.

I'm having her sit for 11+ admissions this year for grammar schools. I've been prepping her, she's doing well. These exams are super competitive especially for the best grammar schools, and we are out of catchment for some of them so that makes it even more competitive for us. So naturally I've set up a fairly strict regimen for her, and am pushing her.

My husband thinks I'm not letting her be a child, and will sometimes try to swoop in and tell her its ok just relax. That makes me so angry like I know its ok, she knows its ok, we're just trying our best. She's so talented, and some of these schools are considered a pipeline to Oxbridge. It makes it seem like I'm an evil mother, and I've told him about this in private, and he says I care more about this than she does. But I care about it because I care about her, she's my daughter, I want the best for her. His sister's daughter also goes to my daughter's current school, and she's also been lamenting that her daughter will lose out on her cousin. First, my daughter and her cousin are not bffs, and also why is this supposed to be a factor. But my husband brings this point up in our arguments as well. I feel like I'm being criticized for wanting the best for my girl. AITA?

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Hey former "gifted kid" here, what you're doing is pushing her into an early burnout and a need for therapy because of her perfectionism and people pleasing. It's one thing to encourage her but your husband is right, she also needs to just be a kid. You need to let her know it's ok if it doesn't happen the way you're planning. It also sounds like you perhaps don't know your daughter as well as you think. It sounds like she's likely said things to her dad, cousin, or aunt that's causing this push back against your over zealousness. Maybe not but they're not wrong to pump your brakes. I had a mom just like you, and well she's been dead for 15 years now and I haven't missed her for one second in all those years. Something to think about there. Soft YTA because you have time to fix this.

Comment 2:

Soft and unintentional YTA, from a grammar school girlie!!

I went to a grammar. It’s not a pipeline to Oxford lol. It’s a great school and helps you do well (I’m applying for PhD funding rn!) but it’s not an Oxford pipeline.

Grammars are not the same as I went like 15 years ago. You do need to be tutored to get in because EVERYONE is now (I got top 20 score in my year group of thousands, not tutors just did a few practice tests right before LOLZ) , however if your child can’t get in on tutoring a few times a week and maybe a bit of extra work daily on their weak points if you really want to closer to the time, they aren’t smart enough to go and they WILL struggle when they’re there because they’re highly competitive and pushy environments with a lot of straight A* without revision kids and a lot of 3hr a day studying kids.

Let your kid have a childhood. Yes she should study. But don’t tutor her for a school she wouldn’t get into, that’s not the point. Tutor her to support her w the test but comprehensives are great options for hard working students. I love grammars, I loved my school and it set me up so well, but putting your child through a crazy regimen is not good for them❤️

OP (downvoted):

Thank you so much for your comment. It's not even that I have the mindset of getting into grammar school is the end-all be-all. It's just as her mother I can't not have tried to do something for her that would open doors for her later. I just want to make sure I'm giving her the opportunities she deserves by giving this our best shot. The results will happen as they happen, I'm confident she'll do well no matter what.

Comment 3:

INFO what does your daughter want? she is old enough to have some say in her own destiny. I was very driven as a kid but also wasn't pushed a ton by my parents -- I pushed myself mostly but had help getting started some of the time. Does your daughter want you to push her? What is really behind your husband's objections -- is it sexism that girls can't be driven and high achieving OR is he right in that your daughter doesn't want to be that competitive?

You "wanting the best" isn't really relevant. That's a feeling but shouldn't dictate anyone's life. If your daughter wants the best, by all means, continue. If she doesn't, ease up some -- she will find her own path in life and is way less likely to burn out if its her own choice even if its not "the best".

OP (downvoted):

My daughter understands that these schools are competitive, they standard of education is higher, and will be more suited to her. She does want to do well, she wants this too.

Comment 4:

INFO: how strict is the regimen and how much are you pushing her? How much time does she have left for relaxation and fun?

OP (downvoted):

We do two hours of practice on weekdays, and 3 hours on weekends. We do practice tests, identify which areas she didn't score as high in, and practice on those topics in particular on the weekend. She goes to her friend's house, I definitely do not want her social life to be affected I know how important that is.

Comment 5:

INFO:

What does 'pushing her' look like? Is she reading a chapter of a preparation book each week? Is she doing hours of practice exams a day? Can she go and see friends or to clubs at any point in the week? Does she have free time daily and if so, how much?

OP (downvoted):

We're doing 2 - 2.5 hours of practice tests. And yes, she can and does. If she has a birthday party to attend I take her there, I know that's important too. I'm not a drill sergeant about it, I'm just trying for us to have structure.

Comment 6:

INFO: is your daughter your retirement plan?

OP (downvoted):

Absolutely not.

OP was voted YTA

Update - October 14th 2026

Her 11+ result came out yesterday and she smashed it out of the park! Her adjusted weighted score is so comfortably above the cutoff for the school we were aiming for. She's so delighted, she's worked so incredibly hard for this, and she was all smiles yesterday. We celebrated as a family yesterday and although there's a year left for when she actual enters grammar school we were just excitedly discussing with her yesterday about what it would be like.

I'm going to chill out from hereon and have faith in the process. I'd spoken to some people and apparently if you clear the threshold, especially the way she did, year 7 at least is a piece of cake. I understand why I got the AH verdict I got last time, and I'm going to let her be a kid more. I understand her workload the past year has been rigorous, and I'm going to step back and trust her to be able to manage herself more, allow her to delve into whatever piques her interest, develop her social life on her terms more. Thank you!

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

NTA, as long as she is fine. Husband and SIL are being weird. SIL defo jealous and trying to drag your daughter down.

Comment 2:

Speaking as one who was a "gifted kid" and later raised four kids identified as "gifted and talented"...I will offer you one piece of advice.

Give your kids \balance\**.

If you allow them to define themselves by their grades, test scores, talents, and/or achievements, they will inevitably hit a wall. Teach/show them that, in the end, the person they become will be far more important than will be anything they might do on a test, athletic field, or competition stage along the way.

Give them time to be a kid. Help them explore skills/talents that aren't tied to academics. Let them do things just because they're fun. As they grow older, give them more decision-making power over their activities and obligations.

If you can teach them that balance - AND let them take the reins of their future as they show you they're ready to do so - they'll be fine.

Comment 3:

If she doesn’t get straight A’s every semester, make sure you don’t fall back on old habits and start preventing her from being a kid like you did before. It’s great that she got in. I’m sure she is very bright. But it’s good that you’ve recognized she needs to have more free time that she wants to do. When I was in school, my mother forced me to give up reading books I liked every time I didn’t get straight A’s and only focus on studying. I rarely visit or call her now.

Comment 4:

Congrats to your beautiful little girl. I think your husband and sister-in-law is a little bit out of line and possibly jealous. I'm not saying that in a negative way, it's just what I'm thinking.
Also give her time to be the little kid she needs to be, as this is as important as also education.
Your daughter should be very proud of herself but also be careful because you do have another child. Sometimes jealousy is not just with adults.

OP:

Thank you. Yes, the commenters weren't wrong about that. She has a great personality, makes friends easily, and I'm going to give her more room from now on.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Kawaii_Quinn_

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 02, 2026

• Final Update: October 11, 2026

Main Post

^{October 02, 2026}

WIBTAH For Locking My Sibling Out of My Room?

I (20 F) have always had trouble sleeping at night. This has been a thing since I was really little. About a year or so ago, I started taking melatonin and it has actually been helping, but my sibling has decided they wanted to make it harder for me to sleep. Usually, they’re hanging out with me in my bed way longer than they are welcome, and I have to beg them to leave me alone. Usually they never do. When they sleep in my bed, I can’t because they take up all of the space and I’m forced to either go somewhere else or stay up all night. At one point, they were quite literally sleeping in my room every single night for months in a row.

I’ve been handling this ok up until last night when it went too far. My sibling is REALLY into Halloween and I’m posting this on October 1st, which means that “spooky month” has started. Don’t get me wrong, I love Halloween too, but my sibling thought it would be a good idea to wake me up at midnight by blaring music at me and screaming under their breath about how excited they are. Considering I have had to get up around 5 AM every day this week for work and school, I haven’t been getting much sleep, so this took all the energy I had out of me for the rest of the day.

I’m considering getting a lock for my bedroom door at this point so they can’t come in my room without my consent, because they also love to hang out in my room and trash it when I’m not around. I’ve asked them to respect my boundaries and stay out of my room too many times, and they just won’t listen.

Am I going too far or would this be resonable for me to do?

COMMENTS

babydragonnnnnn

YTA to yourself for putting up with this for so long. Stop being such a doormat, lady.

OOP

I’m getting a lock for my door tomorrow 😅

KathyOverAndOut

NTA. You're considering getting a lock? You're going to have to give us more info because I'm struggling to understand why a 20 years old puts up with that level of invasion of privacy. Why do you have to beg your sibling to leave your room? Kick them the ef out, lock the door and be done with it. My god if someone had that little respect for my room, my sleep, my physical health, and my life I wouldn't be begging them for anything.

OOP

For more context, they are my twin and they are stuck at home a lot, so they say they’re often lonely, however I usually only leave the house about 3 times a week but they hate it every time. This week I’ve been out a bit more but they couldn’t take a hint that I needed more sleep I guess.

CaptainYaoiHands

I thought your sibling was an actual toddler, not a grown ass two full decades, what the fuck is wrong with them?

OOP

Yeah we’re the same age…

catsandplants424

Im assuming you live at home with parents? Why are they allowing this? NTA lock your door 24/7 and if they somehow get in get them out. I know its not ok to be violent but I feel like physically removing would be warranted here. Again where are the freaking parents?

OOP

I do live with my parents, but they fall asleep early and their room is on a different floor.

Realistic-Try7845 (downvoted)

It’s your parent’s house not yours. Ask your parents if they’re okay with you putting a lock on the bedroom theyre letting you stay in. 

OOP

It was my mom’s suggestion to get a lock actually, so they’re fine with it.

Legolaslegs

NTA. Is your sibling maybe going through something or possibly experiencing abuse in or out of the house? Or have they said why they want to cling to you like this?

A lock on the door is very reasonable. This is too much.

OOP

They’ve been kinda sick for awhile which is why they’re at home all the time, but it’s still not really an excuse for waking me up and doing stuff like that.

olagorie

NTA

Today I learned that some bedroom doors don’t have locks.

Where I live that’s the default.

Please do it immediately.

But I’m curious, what do your parents say when you talk to them about it?
And why is your sibling hanging out in your bed so much?

OOP

My door can lock from the inside but they can still get in when I’m not in there. My parents found out about this the other day and went off on them apparently. As for why they’re there so much, idk they just won’t leave me alone.

Senator_Bink

Lock or a wedge. But you'd better also get earplugs because they'll bang on the door and scream instead. Do you have parents? Can you move out? NTA.

OOP

I’m hopefully gonna be able to move out sometime next year, but for now I’m finding every excuse I can to get away from them.

Final Update - after 9 days

^{October 11, 2026}

WIBTAH For Locking My Sibling Out of My Bedroom (Update)

Idk if this is the right way to update a post bc I’m a lil newer to posting on here, but here we go.

Also real quick clarification, my sibling(nonbinary) and I(F) are both 20 years old, and we’re twins.

After a few days I was able to get an external lock on my bedroom door that came with a key so I could lock the door from the inside or outside so I can control who can be in my room at all times.

Somehow, it took my sibling a couple of days to realize that they couldn’t get into my bedroom. When they did finally find out, they were crying. I called them a few hours after they found out, because I was at work at the time, and by the time I got home it seemed like they were crying for a long time. I sat down with them and told them part of my side of the story, but they completely broke down before I could finish talking, and I had to leave them alone.

I got them to help clean a little bit of my room earlier today, but besides that, nobody else has been in my room. The lock on my door has literally stopped them from getting in my room so many times and it hasn’t been very long since I installed it. I realize there are more ways I need to enforce boundaries with them, but this has helped so much more than I thought it would. Locking my door has even stopped my dad from waking me up at 6AM on my day off, so I’m definitely glad I got it.

I don’t think I’ll have any major updates about this, at least not for a long time, so thank you to everyone who told me to get the lock for my door. I know I should’ve gotten it forever ago but I guess I just needed validation to not feel like an asshole for setting boundaries. I feel like I can finally sleep better now.

There are more issues that I haven’t talked about in either of these posts, but I am finding more ways to keep my peace and set my boundaries in the ways that I need to. I’m thinking of writing them a note about what I meant to speak to them about, since they don’t want to listen to what I have to say. I honestly don’t care how it makes them feel when I write to them about this, since they don’t really seem to care about anything I spoke to them about.

I mainly used these posts to vent but hearing your advice and comments really helped me, so thanks for that. <3

COMMENTS

LAUREL_16

I'm glad things are improving for you, but I have to ask: is your sibling developmently disabled, or something along those lines? When I saw the first post, I assumed this was a much younger sibling. But hearing that they're your 20-year-old twin, and seeing how they reacted to finding out they couldn'tburst into your room anymore? That isn't normal or appropriate behavior for an average 20-year old.

OOP

They have something going on, but we don’t know what. They were not always like this, but I guess something happened to them years ago that caused them to act like this.

Moomin-Maiden

NTA still.

If your sibling completely broke down into a crying meltdown because they can't prank you awake at 5AM anymore, then I'm as curious and concerned as other commenters here about either their developmental level of comprehension, or their emotional maturity.

Are they the golden child?

Because being blocked from doing crap like this to you shouldn't result in a tantrum of crying.

Your sibling is 20... 20! Not 2.

Do your parents even try to help you in this? (Another reason I'm asking if your sibling is the golden one). Or have they catered and caved to their emotional outbursts by making YOU be the one to compromise?

OOP

They are definitely a bit of a golden child, but my parents have done some things to help me. I do feel like they could be doing more though.

I_wanna_be_anemone

I hope they both separately get therapy. Twin for being way too codependent and OP for being smothered for so long that they needed Reddit to assure them this wasn’t normal. 

OOP

They have actually been in therapy for years, but I feel like it hasn’t worked for them in that specific area. I think they don’t realize what they’re doing wrong.

GenniXanni2001

Yeah, I'm concerned that after years of therapy they're still acting this way. I know the therapist can't tell you anything about your sibling's therapy, but maybe you (possibly corroborated by your dad?) can tell the therapist what your sib has been doing? It's possible that your sib has not been giving accurate information to the therapist. It's also possible that this therapist just isn't a good fit for your sib and the situation, although since sib is 20, the choice of therapist is theirs.

OOP

I do think you’re right about speaking to their therapist. I’ll talk to my parents to see what they think as well.

Balentay

INFO: Does your family respect you? Like, at all?

OOP

My dad does but I’m not sure about everyone else now…

MrsSEM84

Have you spoken to your parents about all of this? What are they doing to help your twin? Because they clearly have some serious issues that require psychological help. None of this is normal behaviour.

I’m glad you’ve protected your space for now. But you should definitely keep working on moving out as soon as you can. If your twins problems aren’t being dealt with I worry that their behaviour could escalate and become a danger to you.

OOP

Honestly the only thing my parents have done is buy me the lock and put them into therapy, but I don’t think therapy is helping them much in that regard. I’m hoping to be able to move out for school sometime next year, but if that doesn’t work out I will have to make some kind of a deal with my dad to help me leave.

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OOP: u/nonameobviously01319

Published on: r/offmychest

Thanks to u/WattlesFlowerThrowRA for the recommendation

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 26, 2026

• Final Update: October 08, 2026

Main Post

^{September 26, 2026}

My husband might be on a dating app. I'm hoping against hope that there's another explanation because if it is him it will break my heart.

I don't even want to believe it and when I found out it was like the floor fell out from under my feet. I just need to get this out somewhere. Only two other people know about this and I can't tell anyone else until I'm sure that it is really my husband. I love him and I don't want it to be true. I probably sound naive.

The person who told me about it doesn't have any reason to lie. I don't want to say any more on the off chance my husband finds this. However I have seen the profile with my own eyes and I believe her when she says he messaged her first.

The app is called Fet. I've never heard of it before and I can't think of any reason why my husband would have a profile on it except for the obvious. I'm trying to prepare myself in case it really is him. I'm not going to confront him because I need to be sure about this and I don't want him trying to lie to me. The person who told me about the profile agreed to meet up with him. Then I'll see if it's him or if someone is trying to catfish her or something. I'm trying to have hope it's not him, however I'm also trying to prepare in case it is really him in which case my marriage is over. Maybe I'm stupid for wanting to believe it's not him. I don't know.

Final Update - after 12 days

^{October 08, 2026}

Update: My husband might be on a dating app. I'm hoping against hope that there's another explanation because if it is him it will break my heart.

It was him. My husband showed up to meet the woman he had been messaging. It wasn't a misunderstanding, or someone stealing my husband's photos. It was him. I am absolutely devastated. I have gone to stay with my brother and sister-in-law because I can't even look at my husband right now. I've never felt pain like this in my life.

I have made an appointment with a solicitor. There is absolutely no chance that I can reconcile with my husband after this. I was so stupid for hoping that there was some misunderstanding and it wasn't really my husband trying to meet up with other women. But he betrayed me. That's my update.

(This started when "Daphne", a friend of my sister's best friend told me that my husband had been messaging her. Daphne had met us once previously; my sister and her best friend had a housewarming when they moved into their new flat. Daphne remembered us from there and she also remembered my husband from pictures that my sister showed her of my brother's wedding. The app is called Fet.

I had never heard of it and there was no reason why my husband would need to be on an app like that messaging other women. I didn't want to just confront my husband and give him the chance to come up with a lie or excuse so Daphne agreed to my husband's request to meet, so I could see if it was really him who showed up to the meeting. He did. It wasn't someone else who was just using my husband's pictures like I was hoping. I feel so naive.

Daphne admitted that she was embarrassed and thought I would judge her for being on a fetish kind of app. However I don't care what other people do in their private lives and I don't judge her at all. I'm grateful she told me. I might never have known about my husband otherwise. I haven't seen my husband since the day he showed up to meet Daphne. He was so surprised to be caught.

He didn't remember Daphne at all. He tried telling me he was only on the app because he didn't want to degrade me by asking me to do the things he was doing. He said I was too good of a wife to disrespect like that. He thought that was an excuse to make everything magically better. I hate him).

COMMENTS

TheM0nkB0ughtLunch

Some marriages can and do heal from infidelity but there has to be enough there to be worth saving & a genuine desire by the offender to fix things. It’s seems in your case there is neither. I wish you the best.

OOP

Thank you. My husband doesn't want a divorce. He says he is sorry for what he did, and that he will never step outside our marriage and have sex with someone else again. He wants us to go to marriage counselling as well as individual counselling for himself. He told me he didn't want to disrespect and degrade me but he is sorry that he hurt me.

I don't care about any of that and I want a divorce no matter how much he wants to save our marriage.

mcindy28

If he really wanted to, he could have spoken to you about his fetishes BEFORE stepping outside your marriage as well as counseling... It's too late after the fact.

PS Get STI testing for your own peace of mind.

OOP

I have an appointment to get tested tomorrow. Making the phone call to schedule that kind of appointment was so humiliating however I know needs to be done.

Dear_Parsnip_6802

So he doesn’t think cheating on you is degrading or disrespecting you?

OOP

He told me I am too good, I'm pure and clean and he can't do the things he is doing with those other women with his wife. In his mind it would disrespect me to degrade me like that. (None of this excuses what he did or makes me want to stay married to him though).

Past-Anything9789

Im so sorry you are going through this. No one deserves to be betrayed in this way, no matter the reason he gave as his "why".

Side note - the fact that he's trying to pass off cheating as 'respectful of you as a wife', is a truly insane attempt at justification.

Just know that this is 100% his issue and you have done nothing to deserve this. Divorce (hopefully easily if you don't have any children), take time to heal and when you're ready, move on woth your life.

Oh, and if your feeling really petty (I would have to do this) I'd make a profile on the app, obviously not to use - but saying that your looking for a real Dom to degrade whilst pleasing you. Just for the final nut shot on his way out the door.

OOP

Oh, and if your feeling really petty (I would have to do this) I'd make a profile on the app, obviously not to use - but saying that your looking for a real Dom to degrade whilst pleasing you. Just for the final nut shot on his way out the door.

No.

This is not some "and everyone clapped revenge fantasy for internet points'. This is real life, my life and while maybe not everyone will agree with me I find this suggestion really flippant and uncivil.

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OOP: u/ThrowRAiil

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 01, 2026

• Final Update: October 14, 2026

Main Post

^{October 01, 2026}

How do I(26M) navigate this relationship with my ex-sister-in-law(32F)?

My brother(he would’ve been 35 if he was alive today) met my SIL(or would it be ex-SIL) around 11 years ago. The family approved, and to be honest even today my parents love her and she is a great person.

Around 7 years ago they got married after she became pregnant, and had another kid around 6 years ago. I was in college for most of this time but I would occasionally come home and see them whenever seeing my folks and I was close with my brother(he was way older than me, so he was almost a second father of sorts, but a fun one, so not really).

2021, our lives changed drastically. My brother passed away due to a pulmonary embolism that went undetected and untreated. It was super rare for PE to go undetected and usually intervention is done on time, but we think with covid and everything, maybe things slipped through, but I also think it was mostly just timing and bad luck. My entire family was devastated, and my SIL and niece and nephew’s life changed. My niece was just born too, and he passed away before she could even turn a year old. It still pains me when I think about the fact that his kids will never be able to recall or remember him because of how young they were when it happened. I try my best, as do my parents and SIL, to tell them stories about him and make sure they at least have an idea of who he was.

Around 2022, my parents left the country to retire after my mom had a psychiatric break and had to go have stay. My brother’s death still messes with her. My dad said it would be best for her if they had a change of scenery and they left for their home country, and they visit us for holidays, and send money to my SIL whenever she needs it or anything.

Anyway, around the end of 2024/beginning of 2025, I moved back to my hometown because I got a remote job and I could live in my parents house, which still had some money left on it to be paid off for, but I told my dad I would take care of it since it wasn’t much left, and I was gonna stay there. He told me the house is mine to do with as I please, and wrote it to my name during a trip here.

I started talking to my SIL and nieces and nephews more, hung out with them more, and was backup babysitter and school pickup anytime she needed. Honestly, at one point, they would comer over and they would just stay the weekend with me, especially my nephew, just because he wanted to. I don’t mind I love those kids, they’re smart and will do great things. My niece is a trouble maker though, she’s going to be a menace in her teenage years, she already talks back pretty well 😂

But my SIL and I met more often and also grieved my brother together. She also said she hadn’t dated or tried to find anyone after my brother, and although part of me was like “thank god, the kids won’t have to see someone replace my brother” I realized how messed up it was to think that way, and tried to encourage her to date again and find someone. But one thing led to another, and we got together a few times last year. I got another job offer in the last quarter of 2025, but it was in person, but I took it, and told them to move into my parents house since I finished paying it off anyway, and she was grateful but we left it at that.

I was on a temporary business deployment from January to April this year, but hated that job, so I left it and got another remote job and moved back to my hometown and stayed at an apartment. I spoke to her, we met up a few more times, and then my apartment had to be renovated in August, so I went back to my parents house with them, and then the apartment stuff kept getting delayed so I broke the lease and ended up staying there.

Everyday we wake up, and my nephews and niece are there, and I wake up to a full house with them, and with her. I really like it. Feels nice. We had a talk, and she said she won’t force me, but she likes me, and has felt this way since we first started hooking up. She also said she only started liking me after seeing how I got along with the kids, and said I go above and beyond as an uncle and she knew how much I liked my brother because of that. She said, if she is gonna bring someone else into their lives, she would much rather it be me or nobody else, not just because of the kids or me being their uncle, but because of who she thinks I am.

I really like her too, and I really want to get on with it. But there is the big part of me that feels like I am betraying my brother. I spoke to her about this, and she said she never stopped loving my brother, but she can’t be hung up forever, and it’s not what he would want either, and I kinda agree. But my brother always trusted me, and this feels like betrayal. I told her these things, and she suggested we go to therapy together, and it would be good for us anyway since she also didn’t get a chance to process everything since she was busy raising the kids.

I guess I am not sure what I am looking for here. How would I navigate this without dishonoring my brother’s memory? Sorry for the long post.

COMMENTS

TarzanKitty

So, you don’t feel fucking your late brother’s wife is a betrayal but dating her is too far? Is that what you are saying here?

OOP

No, even that was far and we struggled with that, but I am hesitant about replacing his role completely, especially in my nephew and nieces life, it’s not his fault he’s not here right now

Final Update - after 13 days

^{October 14, 2026}

Update - How do I(26M) navigate this relationship with my ex-sister-in-law(32F)?

Hello guys.

First thing out of the way, we are officially in a relationship now. Over the last few days with her, I really enjoyed coming home to her and my niece and nephew. But what sealed the deal was I was gone last week for a couple of days, on a work trip, and she kept calling and checking on me and I missed her and I missed home.

As soon as I came back I told her I would love to make it official and we both agreed. I still feel guilty about everything and replacing my brother, and the initial time we had sex. But I might be just coping to make myself feel better, but I feel like it would be better for my nephew and niece if it was me rather than someone else stepping into his shoes. And I really like her. I can’t really picture a future without her or the kids in my life.

She did say we should still visit a relationship counselor and a grief therapist together. I am for that. I think I(and maybe her too) have a lot of unprocessed feelings about my brother. I don’t want to let that get in the way of being there for her and the kids. I still love my brother, but I can’t keep feeling guilty forever. That’s not fair to her or me.

I told my parents, she and I together. I thought they would find it strange and kinda be a little angry, but my dad was okay with it. He was supportive and told her he always knew she would have to live her own life on day, and in a way, it’s kind of a blessing it’s me and not a stranger entering the life of their grandkids. My dad told my mom independently just in case she would not process it well, but my mom called up a few hours later and was not upset either. She was happy, but then cried remembering my brother and told me to take good care of her and the kids. I promised to do that.

It kind of made me realize me and her were already doing everything as a couple anyway. We were living together, and everything. I was just scaring myself and guilting myself out of making the move. I have profusely apologized to her for this again and again, but she said she knew I wasn’t doing it out of rudeness but rather out of lingering feelings and grief about my brother.

As for the kids, we aren’t telling them yet. She said we will have to tell them, and we are thinking about taking a trip together as a family during thanksgiving to my parents home country and we will tell them there if the mood feels right. But either way, it’s not something for me to decide alone, and I would rather do it in a way that’s comfortable for her and in accordance with her lead.

My friends were initially surprised, but supportive. They said my brother would’ve killed me if he were alive, but it’s fine, rather me than him. One of our mutuals, who was a my brother’s best friend, told me he had an idea something was up when he visited, but didn’t want to pry. He said as long as I do right by my brother and don’t let the kids forget him, which of course I won’t, then I am not doing anything I need to feel guilty about.

I guess that was it. I still want to do something nice for her. We kinda started a pseudo-relationship, official in all always except officially official as I said, so because of that not much has changed, and since we are keeping it form the kids from now too we aren’t super open in front of them. Her sister lives 5 hours away, we discussed leaving the kids with her sister for a weekend and going to a air bnb a couple hours away from her sisters place and spending 3-4 days there. Her sister knows about us too, and she said she wants to meet me before she fully approves so that is a bit nerve wracking of course, haha.

But once we tell the kids, there should be some more normalcy.

That’s all. Sorry it wasn’t anything groundbreaking or “tea-heavy” as some may say haha.

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/PromiseNarrow3702

Published on: r/Advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 08, 2026

• Final Update: October 11, 2026

Main Post

^{October 08, 2026}

I have had an arranged marriage, and I feel so sorry to my wife. what should I do

i have had my marriage completely arranged. i accepted it cuz i felt like i can never build something on my own because i have had a really bad relationship in the past that ended in a devastating manner.

i did not love the woman i married and i believed she did not love me too, and we maried based on mutual understanding we are both 26.

we are now married for a year and i noticed she is completely lonely no friends and mostly she plays story games or cooks for me or clean the house.

and i believe we do not love each other but we have understanding. until she was crying one day and i asked her why and she said she felt lonely and she feels empty. u told her that her feelings are valid and she should seek the reason.

and then she asked me if i even loved her and i froze i did not know what to say. i know we do not love each other but i could not tell her this. then she cried more and ended the conversation.

the next day she said sorry that she was emotional the previous night. this was 2 months ago. but all of sudden now i feel so weird. i buy her flowers sometimes and she gets happy, i bought her video games too she liked she kissed me on my cheek. we are more intimate and i like it.

but how can i make her not feel lonely or empty. i know she does not love me since she mentioned this at the beginning of the marriage.

i do not know what to do

COMMENTS

Artistic-Tough-7764

So now, about a year late, you start learning how to be her friend and her lover and her partner.

Relationships take work and effort – they don’t “just happen.”

Start with conversations. Talk about what you like, what you don’t like, what you hope for your future, what you like or don’t like about your past. Find the beauty in her, in your relationship, in yourself. Be open to being vulnerable and make yourself a safe person for her vulnerability

OOP

what if she does not love me we only have understanding we said this at the beginning

will it bw inconsiderate if i asked her to be more than just understanding between us?

Beautiful-Humor692

It sounds to me like you care about her enough that the level of care you have is slowly growing into love. My suspicion is hers is too! Keep doing nice things!

OOP

she also does nice things to me but i do not want to assume her intentions

veiledsol

it sounds like there is still a chance for you to find love between you brother! if she is lonely i’m sure you are lonely too. have you considered planning a date where you do an activity together? something that doesn’t add pressure and can let both of you see each other act silly! it will build intimacy between you. try complimenting her more it will brighten her mood. tell her you appreciate the way she cooks or the way she smells or the way she does her hair. notice something small about her and she will never forget it. I really hope there are improvements and as a woman I know these things will be super transformative for the relationship! good luck

OOP

i do not have too many friends , me and her talk everyday so i am not lonely

Dirty_Javelina

Who arranged your marriage? What this a cultural situation?

OOP

our parents did. and it wad not cultural nor forced

Belfornian

Do you have intimate relations? Or is that not part of the agreement?

OOP

i mentioned yes we are intimate

Final update - after 3 days

^{October 11, 2026}

I have had an arranged marriage, and I feel so sorry to my wife. what should I do

i talked with her about everything how i think and how i sew her sad and i geniunely want us to forget about what we said at the beginning. because i really have weird different feeling about her now and think more often of her through the day.

and she cried and told me that i am being stupid to hold into what initially said and she wants me to date her too. i am happy wirh this really and thanks to everyone who gave me a better insight im not experienced with relations so thank you

COMMENTS

PrimaryExcitement730

you need to try to be her friend. spend time together. find something you both like doing. push her to be more social, maybe get her enrolled in school or some course shes interested in. you sound like you care about her, and i think you guys never had the chance to enjoy each others company. so focus on being friends first rather than worrying about if youre in love

OOP

we are dating now i think

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

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Originally posted by user velvetsun23 in r/ AmItheAsshole

Original: Sept 15, 2025

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

Mood: slice of life, nature

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: AITA for refusing to “just deal with it” after my neighbors keep letting bears drag trash into my yard?

I live in a neighborhood that’s known for black bear sightings. The whole neighborhood knows the deal, you have to secure your trash or a bear will come digging in it.

My nextdoor neighbors refuse to do that. They keep their trash cans on the side of their house, which is directly next to my property line. Almost every week, the bear knocks their bins over, drags garbage into my yard, and makes the whole area smell like rotting food. They attempt to pick it up now, but the liquids and smell always stay behind.

I have already brought this up to them several times, fairly nicely, asking if they can handle their trash. I even offered a cheap solution they could use, a $10 strap from Amazon that would keep the cans secure, but they ignored it.

This week, I finally snapped after coming home and having my entire driveway reek of rotting trash as soon as I opened my car door. I wrote them a firm message saying if this continued, I’d file a complaint with the authorities.

Their response was basically saying I should just “get used to it” because we live near bears, and that I should move to another city if I don’t like it (also, the cities they suggested still literally have bears there). They said there’s no law requiring them to secure their trash and that they “don’t want to deal with hooks on a daily basis.” 🙄

For the record, I’ve never reported anyone before, and I’d prefer not to have neighbor drama, but I’m tired of cleaning up their mess and having my yard smell like literal rotting garbage. I looked it up, and apparently the county actually does have an ordinance encouraging trash to be secured in bear prone areas.

AITA for threatening/reporting them instead of just dealing with it?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: I live in Montana. We have Grizzly Bears.  I presume you just have Black Bears, but the audacity of them to tell you to get used to it and expect that from living in an area with bears?

NTA a thousand times over! Living in Bear country doesn't mean getting used to rotting trash in your yard!  It means learning how to safely secure your trash!

They are AH six different ways. It isn't just about the trash and the smell in your yard, it is about the health and safety of the bears, any small children living in your neighborhood, and pets as well. You have a duty to your entire community to report these people.

Don't only look up regulations on bears, look up regulations on trash, etc.  Call every department you can...  might be public safety, the city or private contractor who handles trash removal, and other departments might all be interested to know your neighbor isn't securing their trash.

I would call your town's information line and ask them who to report it to too...  they might have some helpful information. You state's DNR might have a wildlife hotline if you can actually sight the bear... burn this entire situation down!

OOP: Thank you for that info, I will definitely be looking into all this!

---------------
Comment2: And just in case people are going to come say Black Bears aren't actually dangerous... they break down the attacks by bear species...  there have been 6 deaths from Black Bears since 2020...  (edit, sorry, 9 deaths)...

OOP: For sure. I will say they usually are not dangerous, but you never know what a hungry wild animal will do! We have had someone get bit in the neighborhood already too due to their own negligence.

---------------
Comment3: NTA report them to Fish and Wildlife or their equivalent.

As someone who lives in bear country, there is a lot about not allowing them to get food because it encourages bad behavior, and that behavior tends to escalate. At first they are only rifling through garbage, but eventually they figure out the food comes from inside cars and houses and they start breaking in.

I currently have a back slider covered in sheets of plywood thanks to a bear. In my area, OP's neighbor would face fines and possible prosecution if they do not remedy the situation.

---------------
Comment4: NTA. your neighbors are creating a very dangerous situation.

I also used to live in a neighborhood with bears frequently going through the garage, and the trash barrels had locks on them. Still, our neighbors wouldn’t secure their trash!

One night, I was walking home and I see a big shaggy hulk in the road, a bear going through their garbage. If I hadn’t been paying attention I would have walked right up on him.

It’s bad for the bears, and it’s bad for you! Report them to Fish & Game.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update:

So I did end up contacting FWC Tuesday about my neighbor’s trash, had an officer call me about it Wednesday morning, and then guess who came home to secure trash Wednesday evening? Problem solved, thanks for the advice!

--------------------------------------------

Note: Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC) manages and conserves the state’s black bear population. Black bears can weigh anywhere from around 100 pounds to more than 600 pounds depending on age, sex, and season.

According to conservation experts, black bears are generally shy and avoid people whenever possible. However, when they start associating neighborhoods with easy meals, conflicts become more likely.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/asking4advyce posting in r/Advice

Status: Ongoing

Mood Spoiler: Trainwreck

Editor's note: Post recovered from archives. Also, apologies for forgetting to paste the correct post on my template last time I posted this, my bad!

Original - September 29th 2026

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and known each other for 5. To provide context, his ex wife passed away when his daughter was 3, who recently turned 14. I have a 15 year old son whose dad went back to his native country when our son was 9, and chose to stay there. We divorced and I have full custody of our son.

My step daughter and I have become very close over the past few years, and any lines of step mother vs mother started getting blurred. My husband and I discussed me adopting her as my daughter. We got some of the paperwork started but we did wait for her 14th. One, because we thought it would be a nice birthday present, and two, because I felt that her having to give her consent (which in our state happens if the child is 14+) would make it more meaningful. On the night after we celebrated her birthday, I asked her, and she cried and hugged me and said she'd love for that to happen. My son went up to his room. I later went to his room, and he was angry at me about it. I expected him to be happy at best or ambivalent at worst about it, not against it. He said some nasty things and said him having a mother was the one thing he had over her. I was shocked and said this was not like him (it really isn't) and he told me not to go ahead with this. I told him he was being unkind to his sister, that this would not affect him or our relationship at all, but he told me to leave. He's been cold to all of us since, when I did try to get through to him, he asked if I'm still going ahead with it. What should I do?

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

From his eyes, the 3 of you (yourself, husband and daughter) are a full fledged family while he is left out (the husband didn't adopt him). It's only normal for a child to feel jealous and left out

Comment 2:

I guess it’s just me, but why didn’t you talk with your son first? This is a bigger change than two families blending. Talking with him could also bring out any issues he and your step daughter might have.

OP (downvoted):

I wanted it to be a surprise for her 14th. And like I said I thought he'd be at best happy about or at worst not really care. I messed up there.

Comment 3:

By saying this is the “one thing” he had over her, it makes me think your son believes you are routinely giving your daughter more time, attention, and emotional energy than you give him. So are you?

OP (downvoted):

I've always tried to make sure my marriage and our blended family doesn't take away from my relationship with my son. Nothing has changed in our relationship. He's a 15 year old boy now, so there's some changes naturally, he comes to me less often with problems unlike when he was say 12, but he knows, I've always made it clear, that I'm always going to be a steady port to call for him.

Comment 4:

Your husband should be adopting him as well, I am sure he prolly feels really left out.

OP (downvoted):

My son's father is alive, so it's not really the same situation. Also, my husband and him have a good relationship but I guess its like a step relationship, there's care and love on both sides but kind of within those boundaries. Like I said, with my stepdaughter, that's how I set it out to be too, to never take her mother's place, but between us those boundaries got blurred and we got really close.

Comment 5:

You need to make it clear to your son how you love him. Your husband does, too.

OP (downvoted):

I've told him that me adopting her doesn't take away from my love for him even a bit. He will always be my son whom I love to bits. But I'm just having trouble getting through to him about this.

Comment 6:

Congratulations on gaining a daughter and losing a son. That poor kid feels he has no one. Why wouldn’t you have discussed this with him first? Very insensitive.

Update - October 12th 2026

I received some harsh but useful advice and messages on my last post and I'm grateful for it. I didn't mention the adoption again in the house after that. A few days ago I spoke to my son again privately. I apologized for having surprised him with the decision the way I did. It was presumptuous of me to assume his feelings on it and I messed up. Once he saw I was genuinely remorseful, he opened up to me after that a bit. He said she had a mother, and that it was unfair of her to just get a new mother. I told him I wasn't trying to replace her mother and never could. I know a lot of people asked why my husband doesn't just adopt him too to balance it out, but it's just not that simple, his dad is alive. Nevertheless I did bring up if that's what he felt was unfair and whether he felt like my husband should become more like a father to him. He said no, he didn't want that. I then tried to reassure him that if I did adopt her, it would not change what we had, him and I are a team, always have been and always will be. He said the way his dad left, her mother died, he's not begging for his dad to come back or to get a new one, so why is she getting a mother. Just to clarify, she has not broached the subject of or pressured me about adoption ever. I told him the surprise was my mistake and she wasn't aware of it either. I told him the whole adoption thing aside, and we wouldn't do it unless he was on board, but if there was anything I could help with, and also promised to make a more concerted effort for more 1-1 time between us. He didn't seem to even have that as a concern, he said that first her dad got me as a wife and now was giving his daughter a mother she wasn't related to. I just reassured him that his comfort with it was my priority and we're not going ahead with it.

Yesterday, I spoke with her when we were alone too. I told her I loved her like a daughter but there had been issues with the paperwork and it would just take longer than we had anticipated. I took responsibility of it and said I should've made sure it was all done before surprising her. She seemed disappointed but very understanding, and said that was ok, she thought of me as her mother anyway regardless of paperwork. Unfortunately she did ask whether my son was unhappy with it, she probably connected the dots due to his reaction at the time, I reassured her it was paperwork stuff that was our fault and she seemed ok with that. She's continued to call me mom (she started after we told her on her birthday) and seems to understand that we don't need legal paperwork for our relationship.

I know I messed up the first time, and I dug us into a hole, but I'm going to be more mindful hereon. I'm going to make more 1-1 time with my son too, I already do but he's 15 and doesn't have a ton of time for me lately but I'm still going to make more. Fortunately my husband has let me deal with it the way I see fit for which I'm grateful. Thank you for the advice.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Lying to your stepdaughter about the paperwork is not a good move either. The truth will eventually come out and it will be hard for her to trust you to tell her the truth. It also sends the message that if there’s a hard truth then don’t tell your family because they can’t handle it.

OP (downvoted):

I didn't want her to resent him. I hope with the increased effort I put into our relationship, he'll tell me he's happy and at peace with us going forward with it at some point. I do understand that it could come out, in fact it is possible she already suspects, and hope she'll understand that I lied to not have her resent him.

Comment 2:

You were a total AH to your son. I can’t believe you would surprise him like that. Also, you have been cruel to your son. His dad abandoned him a few years ago but it sounds like during that time you’ve didn’t it bonding with your step daughter. Your focus should have been on your son. He should have been in therapy. Please consider therapy for the both of you.

Comment 3:

And you keep making mistakes ?!

Why you lied to your step daughter ?! What if your son never comes around about the adoption?!?!?!

Lady you are so wrapped in your new husband and his daughter that you have sidelined your own blood ?!?! Parners come and go , you have had 2 husbands so far and god knows how many boyfriends of friends with benefits or whatever, your son is the one that will always be there

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Coolfry8

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole & r/AITA_Relationships

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: February 04, 2025

• Update: October 10, 2026

Main Post

^{February 04, 2025}

AITA for siding with my [28M] SIL [34F] over my wife [26F]?

My wife is a beautiful hard working woman who has a high education and a solid career. We were college sweethearts and have been married 2 years. We own a house together, we both have masters degrees and careers that we worked hard for. We're currently trying for a baby as we're ready to take the next step in our lives. From what I gathered from my in-laws, my wife's older sister is her half sibling.

They have the same father but grew up in different households. After their father's infidelity in his first marriage with my SIL's mom, her parents divorced then my FIL remarried and had my wife with his new wife.

I heard my SIL grew up in poverty with her mother in a run down area and saw my FIL on weekends. My wife's parents (FIL and MIL) are very educated and have solid careers as well. My wife grew up in a two parent household in the suburbs.

Apparently my SIL is also disabled. I'm a very empathetic person and was curious to know what happened so I gently brought it up to my SIL during an outdoor family get together. She confirmed it was all true and went into further detail. She had multiple surgeries for medical conditions, was bullied in school, almost died twice, her mother was poor and struggling, etc.

Despite her degree she's been trying to get employed for years and has used temp agencies but she said employers terminate her as soon as she requests accommodations so she's been on/off government assistance for years. She's also medically sterile. She's apparently also been in therapy for over 10 years. At this point my SIL started tearing up so I ended the conversation and apologized for asking.

Later on at home when I brought up the conversation to my wife, she immediately goes on to say that her sister has a tendency to play the victim, she needs to be patient, work harder, etc, etc. After getting to know my SIL more though I'm even more grateful for what I have. My wedding with my wife was paid for by our family, we have solid careers that we got right out of college, we're in great health, we have a bunch of friends and were never bullied in school.

When I brought up that I'm so thankful that we're so fortunate, my wife immediately got defensive and goes on about hard work, not to let the past define you, anyone can make it if they try hard enough, etc. I've never seen this side of her before. While I acknowledge we've both worked very hard to get where we are, I gently told her we do have our parents and upbringings to thank for that.

She snapped at me. She's a licensed counselor but I honestly thought she would be more empathetic to her own family member who's been through so much. I definitely would. Thankfully my siblings never went through that but I couldn't even imagine if they did. AITA for taking my SIL's side over my wife's?

EDIT: Thank you for the replies and sorry for any confusion. What I left out is what confuses me the most is I'm hearing things from my other in-laws that match up with what my SIL said. Basically it's my wife's word against my SIL, FIL, BIL, MIL, etc. My SIL is also apparently low contact with FIL and FIL doesn't know why. It's all confusing to me.

Note: The comment section is lengthy because the OOP provided additional information.

COMMENTS

StAlvis

INFO

I honestly thought she would be more empathetic to her own family member who's been through so much

What makes you think she doesn't know more of the story than you do?

OOP

Sorry if I didn't go into further detail. I originally found out information from other family members. While we were dating and engaged as well, I noticed that when it came to family gatherings her younger siblings showed up but never her older one. FIL would bring it up saying his oldest wasn't attending again so I wondered what that family dynamic is. My SIL recently admitted that she's low contact with my FIL.

InnerSight3

You replied, but didn't answer what was asked.

OOP

She probably does know. The confusing part is when there's multiple other family members who are either basically contradicting what she's telling me. I always thought her family was very close and in agreement with things.

lihzee

From what I gathered from my in-laws, my wife's older sister is her half sibling

This makes you sound like an alien. You had to "gather this" from your in laws? Your wife wasn't able to explain half-siblings to you?

YTA.

OOP

Yes back then early in our relationship I didn't know they were half siblings and thought my MIL was the mother of all my in-law siblings. At this point I know.

ElGato6666

OOP is from a culture where this is the standard syntax. I'm 99% sure this whole thing was translated.

lihzee

That would make more sense because otherwise he kind of sounds like a bot.

OOP

I apologize for any confusion. I live in the US but work in STEM so my colleagues and I have a tendency to write this way. It's basically become a habit now because it's how I write in hundreds of work emails.

Discount_Mithral

I was really ready to go the other way on this, but - NTA.

You are recognizing your privilege for what it is. Good health, family wealth, no real debt, home ownership, careers right out of college - things a lot of people in your generation, and even those in the generations above you, will never see.

Your wife's take on this is harsh. My guess is that there is past resentment from the infidelity on your father's part, but putting that blame on the child of someone else's mistake is so wrong. You have to decide if it's worth the fight in your household about this topic, however. Your SIL sounds like she's had a rough life, and your wife sounds bitter AF.

beep_beep_crunch

I agree with most of this. And I also came here prepared for a different outcome.

It sounds to me like his wife has grown up with blinders on and relying very heavily on what her mother (and possibly father) have been saying about his first family.

INFO: OP, how did you find out that your wife’s father cheated? Is that common knowledge?

Is the father not helping out financially? Did your wife’s college get paid for? And what about her half-sister’s?

Ultimately, NTA. Maybe not worth digging in unless OP wants to risk his relationship. These types of family dynamics are tricky to navigate and obviously this is something the wife is touchy about.

OOP

Funny you should ask. Shortly before the wedding, my FIL had a talk with me in private and basically told me he cheated on his ex-wife and it was something he wishes he could take back because he was young and dumb (his words). He then told me to be a good loyal man to my wife. He's religious if that makes any sense.

hidee_ho_neighborino

Did the FIL ever help the disabled SIL? It sounds like FIL is living a comfortable life now.

OOP

Yes he does when he can but from what I've heard from him lately his oldest has lowered contact over the past year or so. When I was talking to my SIL she admitted that she's gone low contact with my FIL even though she loves him.

RHND2020

INFO: what do you mean “from what you gathered” from the in-laws, you “heard” your SIL grew up in poverty, etc.? You brought stuff up with your SIL? Did you ever bring stuff up with your wife? Did you ever ask her the story of her childhood, and her perspective on her SIL and the details of their relationship? So you talked to the SIL and then never having discussed any of these issues with your wife, you immediately decided you knew better than your wife what the story was? Seems weird.

OOP

Sorry, the character limit didn't allow me to exceed 3000 on the post. I've seen patterns over the years of our dating, getting engaged then married of what her sister told me. For example when FIL (before wife and I were married) asked me if I can give his oldest daughter a ride to the local assistance office. I had work so I couldn't but that's one example. Another being during Christmas when MIL and FIL asked to get medical supplies for my SIL as her Christmas gifts. There's a lot more examples but it eventually got me wondering and my in-laws went into some details here and there. Then the talk with my SIL seemed to match up with things.

RHND2020

Thanks for the info. I am still a bit confused why it doesn’t sound like you and your wife have discussed this more. When things get you wondering, do you ask your wife directly? But yeah, I could see how your wife has chosen to blame her sister for her circumstances rather than admit to herself that her father has created some of the issues. Sounds like she scored the good childhood while her sister did not.

OOP

You're welcome and thanks for responding. Every once in a great while my wife and I will have conversations regarding our parents and siblings. For example if there's an upcoming event we want to go to or host. My wife doesn't seem to like to talk about my SIL though and that's another thing that got me wondering. At family get together they seemed like a healthy, happy family. More often than not, her older sister was absent for the gathering.

TemptingPenguin369

INFO: You say "I heard my SIL grew up in poverty." Who did you hear that from?

OOP

My FIL and MIL. My SIL said the word poverty. My in-laws say less resources. Then follow it with saying that she's very loved and that God will provide. Things will get better, etc. My in-laws are religious. They go to church on weekends.

saedgin

YTA

Did you ever ask your wife about her past interactions with her half sister? I mean she has known her a lot longer than you and very likely has a much different perspective and different experiences with her that you don’t know about.

It does sound like your sil has had some rough experiences but what role does she have in staying a victim? Maybe you live in a different country than I do but to me it seems a little suspicious she gets fired for her disability and there is never a lawsuit for not providing accommodations.

OOP

Yes, I have. We live in the US. My wife said growing up they were close and eventually we're as close once they got older. My wife told me my SIL has a tendency to be in unhealthy relationships and there was a couple of times where the guy my SIL was dating and my wife got in a huge argument and she didn't want to be around that anymore. My wife told me that we can't control our childhood and she wishes her sister had it better growing up but we control our adulthood based on the choices we make. Everything I heard about my SIL original came from my wife's parents or her younger siblings. There were times I questioned what was going on earlier on in our marriage and relationship for example when my FIL reached out to me one day asking if I can give my SIL a ride to the local assistance office because she medically can't drive.

Theteaishotwithmilk

YTA what exactly are you looking for your wife to do with what ur saying? Do you expect her to reconnect? Do you expect her to help her half sister financially? Do you just want her to say "oh yeah, makes you grateful for your life huh"?

She already knew her story- why retell it, why push it?

You also not asking your WIFE about everything- listen to her side.

She might be coming off a lil harsh, but like the half sis is an affair child that im sure in ur wifes eyes broke her family up and changed her view of her father forever. She doesnt owe her anything regaurdless.

She was defensive because you are being weird about pushing the subject so much- who wouldnt be if their SO keeps talking to and bringing up someone who they have a charged relationship with, and not only that- but starts talking about how privileged you are and dismisses your hard work as moot.

Bro why are you so set on defending another woman without even trying to ask and understand your wifes p.o.v.?

OOP (downvoted)

Thank you for your response. I guess I'm just more confused than anything because I have different family telling me different things. I'm not trying to pry either. For example before my wife and I got married my FIL would ask if I could give my SIL rides and I didn't know why at the time. He went on to explain her disability and limitations. He was very busy with work at the time and so was his wife and my wife. I work from home half of the time so it left me with more flexibility. I remind my wife all the time how she's a hard worker and is beautiful and strong. I love her so much

lilacshadowsatdusk

This a really tough one. On one hand it’s never a good idea to dig around your spouse’s familial affairs behind your partner’s back. Narratives get twisted, stories get misconstrued, and the roundabout way of it makes it feel like a breach of trust. Sure, sometimes reaching out to the family sometimes reveals your partner to be a raging AH, but have you had any reason to suspect your wife of foul conduct when you were just ‘curious’? 

On another hand if true, SIL has had one hell of a childhood and life, and your wife is, on a surface level, showing a startling amount of privilege and lack of empathy, which is AH attitude and indicative of past AH behaviour. She could be just straight up an AH, she could have resentment from a materially privileged but emotionally shitty childhood, SIL could be twisting the story. 

But OP, what is the actual conundrum you’re ‘siding’ on? What is your end goal here? Is it to set up a support network for your SIL (who mind you she didn’t ask for your charity or noblesse)? Is it to play saviour and feel good for being a very empathetic morally good person? Is it to try reconcile your wife’s family? Is it to make sure you and your wife are aligned in your values going forward? To ‘fix’ her AHish views? 

On a third hand, the overemphasis of OP being empathetic, gentle and kind, the wife’s one-dimensional heartlessness and the SIL traumadumping a lifetime’s worth of struggle, infertility and medical issues onto a semi-stranger over a family gathering that she’s semi-LC with has me questioning if this isn’t a creative writing exercise, so I may well have written a wall of text for nothing!!! But if true, ESH. 

OOP

Thank you for commenting. My end goal is for everyone to get along. I mentioned this in a few other replies but in the past my FIL has asked me to do favors for my SIL because of her disability. FIL asks favors from other family members too. By extension I got curious on the what's and why's but didn't question it at the time. FIL also brought up his past affair before my wedding and went into detail about it. He basically told me not to make the same mistake he did when he was my age.

CONSENSUS: Not enough info

Update - after 1 year, 8 months, 6 days

^{October 10, 2026}

Update: AITA for siding with my [30M] SIL [36F] over my wife [28F]?

No this isn't AI lol. I just have lots of practice with writing because my career requires a lot of writing and summarizing. I actually have yet to use Chatgpt on anything yet. Anyways onto the update.

To sum up my original post, my SIL (wife's older half sibling) was born permanently disabled, grew up in poverty when my FIL (wife's and SIL's father) cheated on his first wife (SIL's mom) with my MIL (wife's mom and FIL's wife), and SIL is low contact from the family for reasons I couldn't quite understand at the time.

My wife and I have tight knit families so it got me wondering what would cause the family rift. My wife and I grew up with lots of love and support in our homes and lots of opportunities. We're college educated, career oriented, homeowners and have a daughter we welcomed into the world several months ago who is absolutely adorable! I'm sure the affair was hard on SIL but I couldn't figure out why she continued becoming more distant since my wife's family seemed very loving and supportive, plus family get togethers are very important to my wife as she's big on social gatherings.

I had to approach very carefully as my wife got defensive whenever I questioned what was going on. She basically told me that it was SIL's fault for not working harder, that her medical situation is being exaggerated, that FIL was a great father to both of them, that God will provide (her family is very religious), etc.

There's a lot to unpack and it would take a long time and an entire essay to explain everything that's happened since. To sum this part up, after the past almost two years, I found out some truths that my wife hid from me. For example, when my wife was in high school, she was dual enrolled by her parents which helped her in college.

My SIL apparently was placed in special ed in high school at the pressure of my FIL against her bio mom. Another example is there was a brief period over several years ago where my SIL moved in with FIL and MIL. She was on SSI and they charged her rent until my wife bought up that she felt more comfortable if SIL lived in a public housing apartment so my in-laws got SIL moved into one.

My wife continued living with them rent-free during and after college until we married. FIL also paid for our wedding. Wife went over budget so FIL had to dip into his retirement to cover it. SIL apparently has a boyfriend now but FIL told her he unfortunately doesn't have anything saved for their wedding if she ends up marrying her boyfriend and that they'll have to figure that out.

There's more examples like when FIL passed his former car to my wife because SIL can't medically drive instead of just selling it and maybe setting a bit aside for SIL. Or when my wife wanted to park in my SIL's empty lot space at her housing apartment since SIL doesn't drive. This was during a few family gatherings where FIL's driveway filled up quick and SIL's apartment was a block away.

I've also recently noticed some patterns within our marriage. I absolutely love our daughter! She's the light of my world. My wife doesn't seem close to her unfortunately and I'm doing most of the childcare. Any opportunity to stay late at work, work extra, business trip, etc, my wife jumps at. I'll be at home after work taking care of our daughter. Sometimes wife will prioritize going out with friends like she did before we had our daughter.

All these patterns and new truths I've discovered over the past nearly two years is making me see a side of her I'm not happy with unfortunately. She's achieved a lot and had become successful but at other people's expense. She still puts her immediate wants over others needs. If she's questioned about it at all, she gets very defensive. This isn't the life I envisioned for us and I wish she didn't hide so much from me.

AITA for considering divorce?

COMMENTS

Smoke__Frog (downvoted)

If this is real, you would have divorced her as soon as you found out how selfish she is.

The reason people thinks it’s AI isn’t because you’re some great writer lol. Get over yourself.

It’s because you’ve painted your wife as more evil and cold hearted than a Disney villain and you’ve yet to leave her.

YTA.

OOP

It's not that simple because she has a lot of great qualities I explain in my original post. Nothing is black and white. I still love her and part of me has hope that things will get better. The other part is hesitant to work through things. I wish these decisions were more simple but emotions are complex.

Smoke__Frog (downvoted)

Sure.

She’s a great person. She’s rich and educated and…what else exactly?

She’s a bitc to her poor sister and is out with friends and likely her affair partner while you’re home with the kid. Sounds great

OOP

She's beautiful, hard working (yes she got lots of help along the way but she's doing great at her job AFAIK and recently got a promotion). I know she's busy a lot but when she is here with our daughter she's very attentive to her. She's a kind person to me, our daughter and her friends and most of her family. She's very charismatic which I think is what really got me to fall for her when we met in college. She's very much against cheating so I doubt she would do that.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Zakotablue

Published on: r/AmITheJerk

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 23, 2026

• Update 1: September 28, 2026

• Update 2: October 03, 2026

• Final Update: October 06, 2026

Main Post

^{September 23, 2026}

WIBTJ for being upset after I saw another kid wearing my daughter’s shirt?

My daughter started preschool last Wednesday, and her teacher asked us to send pull-ups, wipes, and a change of clothes. I sent several pull-ups, a brand-new pack of wipes, and a complete outfit.

When I picked her up, only the pants had come back. I then noticed another kid in her class wearing my daughter’s shirt.

I honestly don't mind if the teacher needs to use some of my daughter's pull-ups or wipes for other kids. I'll happily send extra if needed because I understand that not every parent can afford to provide those things.

But I don't feel the same way about her clothes. If another kid goes home wearing them, there's always a chance they won't come back, and replacing clothes isn't cheap for me. My daughter doesn't have a huge wardrobe to begin with, so I really can't afford to have her clothes disappear or get ruined.

Would I be the asshole if I asked her teacher tomorrow to please keep my daughter's clothes for her instead of using them for other students? WIBTJ?

COMMENTS

RadRimmer9000

No you wouldn't.

That's the most absurd thing to even happen. Clothes aren't cheap, I doubt the other stuff is cheap either but those are actually disposable items so you already know you're not getting that back.

OOP

Yeah the wipes or pull ups arent cheap but I understand that emergencies happen and that they’re disposable items anyway. Wondering how would you approach that conversation with the teacher?

firs_7

YWNBTA. It's her clothes, not some other kid's. And yes. You won't get that shirt back. And if you don't confront the pre-school teacher, they'll just likely continue doing this

OOP

I’ll try my best to get it back, if they can’t help me get it back I’ll ask them to reimburse me I think

New_Nobody9492

Do you absolutely know it’s your shirt and not you and a mom shop at the same store?

OOP

Quite the coincidence for the shirt to go missing and another child is wearing a mismatched outfit with the shirt, but they were not labelled or anything

SubstantialEmotion41

Ntj. Each child should only be wearing their own clothes. You may need to label them just in case, but there is no guarantee you will get that shirt back now. If the other child doesn't have extra clothes, the daycare center should reach out to those parents or use donated, clean clothes. Not your child's. I would address it immediately with the teacher nicely and ask them to send a letter home with a description of the shirt to return.

OOP

Labelling is a good idea, I’ll see what I can do. And yes I agree, the daycare should have been prepared for a situation like this and have their own clean, spare clothes to give to the child and work it out with the parents afterwards, instead of taking another child’s clothing

Slow_Establishment10

You would not be the jerk.
That’s weird for the teacher to do without notifying you.

I would’ve been less bothered, personally, if the teacher told you at pick up. “There was an emergency, this other child didn’t pack extra clothes. I’m so sorry!”

But the fact that she didn’t even mention it would frustrate me.

OOP

Even then it’s not my responsibility to make sure other children have clothes, if the parent doesn’t provide them then the school should assume that responsibility and then work it out with the parent rather than taking someone else’s, I feel like this is poor preparation on the school’s part :/

Update 1 - after 5 days

^{September 28, 2026}

UPDATE: WIBTJ for being upset after I saw another kid wearing my daughter’s shirt?

I talked to the teacher the next morning and honestly expected this to be a pretty simple conversation.

I explained that I don't mind sharing pull-ups or wipes, but asked if they could please keep my daughter's clothes separate unless there's an actual emergency. I also explained that we don't have a huge wardrobe for her and replacing clothes isn't something we can easily afford.

The teacher apologized and said she understood. She told me the shirt had been used because the other child had gotten theirs dirty, and she thought it was one of the spare classroom outfits.

I showed her the pants that had come home with my daughter and pointed out that the shirt was clearly part of the same outfit. She seemed genuinely embarrassed and said she'd make sure the staff knew not to use my daughter's clothes.

So I thought that was the end of it.

Then yesterday, I picked my daughter up and noticed that another piece of her clothing was missing.

I asked about it and apparently it had been sent home with a different child because they had an accident. At that point I was pretty frustrated, because I had already specifically asked them not to do this.

The teacher apologized again and said they were short on spare clothes that day. I understand that accidents happen, but I'm struggling with the idea that my daughter is basically becoming the classroom's backup wardrobe.

I told them I'm happy to send another set of inexpensive emergency clothes specifically for the classroom, but I need the clothes I send for my daughter to actually stay with my daughter.

The teacher said she'd talk to the other staff about it, so hopefully that's the end of it.

The part that surprised me most is that when I mentioned it to another parent at pickup, she said something along the lines of, “It's just a shirt, they're preschoolers.”

Maybe I'm being overly protective, but if everyone took that attitude, half the kids would eventually be going home in someone else's clothes.

At this point I don't think I'm asking for anything unreasonable. I just want the things I send for my daughter to come back with my daughter.

TL;DR: I talked to the teacher, but another piece of my daughter's clothing went home with a different kid anyway, so I asked the school to keep her clothes separate.

COMMENTS

BlazingSunflowerland

I'd quit sending the spare clothes. All that you are getting out of sending them is that you lose them. It seems the other parents aren't sending them in so yours are the ones that are there to be used.

No more spare clothes get sent in.

OOP

But then what if my child has an accident? She’ll either be out of clothes or use someone else’s. Both outcomes are unacceptable.

Few_Equipment_8314 (downvoted)

How did they get the clothes off your child? None of this makes any sense. Why is your child undressing?

OOP

We have to send pull-ups, wipes and a spare set of clothing in case of accidents. No one is undressing my child..

Update 2 - after 10 days (after 5 days from last post)

^{October 03, 2026}

UPDATE 2: WIBTJ for being upset after I saw another kid wearing my daughter’s shirt?

Original post got removed but should still be on my profile, TL;DR: The parents returned my daughter's clothes, but the school gave them to another child, who took them home and never returned them. The school initially refused to reimburse me, so I made a big deal about it and eventually got reimbursed. Now I'm wondering what other things they're failing to keep track of if they can't handle something this simple.

Well, this somehow got even more frustrating.

After my last update, the parents of the child who had taken my daughter's clothing brought it back to the school. I was relieved because I thought that meant we could finally get her clothes back and put this whole thing behind us.

Except the school never actually returned it to us.

Instead, they gave that same piece of clothing to another child after that child had an accident.

I only found out when I noticed it was still missing at pickup. I asked the teacher about it, and she apologized and explained that the other child needed a change of clothes and the staff had accidentally used my daughter's clothing again.

At that point, I was genuinely pissed.

I'd already talked to the teacher about this. I'd already explained that I didn't mind sharing things like wipes or pull-ups, but I needed my daughter's actual clothes to stay with her.

The teacher said the clothing would be returned.

It wasn't.

The other child took it home, and it never came back.

I asked the school to reimburse me for the clothing, and they initially didn't want to. They said it was an honest mistake and basically acted like I was making too much of a big deal over a piece of children's clothing.

That was the point where I really lost my patience.

I made a much bigger deal about it and spoke with the administration. I explained that this wasn't about the price of one shirt. I'd already brought up the issue, the clothing had already been returned once, and then the school gave it to another child anyway.

Eventually they agreed to reimburse us.

But honestly, the whole situation has left me wondering about something much bigger.

If they can't follow a very simple instruction about keeping one child's clothes separate, what else are they fucking up?

Are they double-checking which kid belongs to which parent at pickup? Are they keeping track of everyone's belongings? Are they following instructions from parents about their kids? What happens if a child has to take medication regularly and someone isn't paying attention?

Obviously, I have no evidence that they're messing up anything else, and I'm not saying they are. But when you've specifically told someone to do something, they agree to do it, and then they immediately don't do it, it makes you start questioning how reliable their procedures actually are.

Maybe I'm overthinking it, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a daycare to be able to keep track of which clothes belong to which child.

Hopefully this is finally the end of it.

COMMENTS

AliceInReverse

As a person who once worked at a daycare who did not disclose to the parent that they lost a child - trust your gut!

uberbanz

Have you considered maybe using a few more words? As loooooong as that was i feel you could do more

OOP

Right? I need all the details. Truly horrifying to read

OOP

How long was the child lost for? I’d immediately switch daycares after that

AnIcyReception (downvoted)

Going from a shirt to kids going home with the wrong family is a huge leap. You're overreacting. Hopefully medication is handled by a nurse who has specific protocols for how to handle them.

You have been made whole. Let it go

OOP

I was made whole only after I made a big deal about it? They wanted to stiff me at first.. not to mention that if they can’t keep track of something as simple as clothes it makes you wonder what about tracking which kid takes which medicine, at what times, have they taken it yet?

Beatleslover4ever1

Can’t you switch schools?

OOP

We could but this one is the closest to our home and the only one on our way to work. We might have to though

AffectionateHope1177

NTJ

Yeah I'd be annoyed also. Sure, they may have made a mistake at first but then, when they got it back, it was deliberately given away so.... yeah. That was a choice!

It was not a communal shirt!!

I think its essentially destroyed your trust in the kids school (nursery i think?) as you're worrying understandably about other issues.

The attitude they have given is very much of a place that isn't accountable unless you apply pressure and thats concerning. I mean your not a jerk for sure.

Theyre unprofessional

OOP

Yes exactly, it’s hard to continue to trust them with my child’s care and well-being when they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again after we had multiple talks about it

Final Update - after 13 days (after 3 days from last post)

^{October 06, 2026}

FINAL UPDATE: WIBTJ for being upset after I saw another kid wearing my daughter’s shirt?

I honestly thought my last update was going to be the end of this story.

The school reimbursed us for the clothing, so financially everything was settled. I wasn't going to keep fighting over a shirt.

But after everything that happened, I did have one more conversation with the administration.

I explained that my concern wasn't really the cost. It was the fact that the exact same problem had happened multiple times, even after I'd specifically spoken to the staff about it.

They apologized again and said they were going to remind the staff to be more careful about children's belongings.

I asked what their actual procedure was for keeping track of children's clothes and personal belongings.

The answer was basically that they don't have some complicated system. They just expect staff to know which belongings belong to which child and return them appropriately.

Which... honestly didn't make me feel much better considering what had just happened.

I also brought up my concern from my last update about other things, like making sure the right child gets the right instructions, belongings, and anything else parents specifically tell them about.

They assured me that those things are handled separately and that there haven't been any other issues.

I'm choosing to take them at their word for now.

I'm not pulling my daughter out over a shirt, and I don't have any evidence that they're neglecting anything else. But I am definitely going to be paying a lot more attention from now on.

And I have started labeling absolutely everything.

Shoes? Labelled.

Jacket? Labelled.

Spare clothes? Labelled.

So that's hopefully it. The school reimbursed us, the missing clothes are officially no longer my problem, and I really hope I never have to write another update about daycare clothing again.

Thanks to everyone who followed along with the world's most unnecessarily complicated shirt saga.

COMMENTS

BestAd5844

Label everything. There is no way a teacher can keep track of every child’s clothes and back up clothes, especially when they are too similar. Teachers are also focused on the more important things like food allergies and safety.

When I worked as a toddler and preschool teacher, parents were told to label everything and that we could not be responsible for anything without a label, though we did try our best. Ideally, dirty items are bagged right away and put with the child’s other items. We encouraged parents to bring the inexpensive items in case they were stained or lost. We also kept bins of clothes that families donated of their old clothes that we used as back up so we didn’t borrow from a friend. It might be the wrong size or season, but they were dressed. And those often were not returned either, though we would tell the family they were back up and to wash and return.

OOP

Yeah will start labelling for sure, it’s definitely our fault for not doing it before

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Objective-Deal8745 in r/ familydrama

Original: Oct 6, 2026

Update: Oct 9, 2026

Status: concluded

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: AITA for cutting contact… Step mom refused to pay for anything for her two week trip for my wedding.

My wedding was 3 days ago, (yay!! The best woman I’ve ever met!) I have bills to pay (understandably) but we’re just discovering our bills just went up $6400 because my step mom didn’t pay any of her bills over the two weeks she was with us and now we’re getting phone calls demanding payment.

She didn’t pay her room service, she didn’t pay her 11 days of hotels, she didn’t want to use the makeup artist included with the wedding so she used her choice. We told her it wouldn’t be included and she said “no problem, I’ll take care of it”…. She didn’t.

She volunteered, on her own, to pay for the makeup with the same artist that she used for all of the other bridesmaids instead of using the team we hired…. She didn’t pay for it…

She volunteered to pay for professional dancers while we are dinner because she wanted a “spectacular dinner” she arranged them, scheduled them, chose the price package she wanted. They were amazing! But, predictably, she didn’t pay… she actually told them WE would pay…

She got a custom made dress, she billed it to us. She didn’t want to travel in the van we provided for the out of town guests, she insisted on a separate luxury car. We told her she would have to pay for it up front. She said “no problem” she didn’t pay… she told the company to bill us after the wedding…

Mind you… this is a woman who flew 1st class on Emirates Air from the USA to Asia for our wedding. She’s a doctor making well past 300k/ yr (she told me a few months ago). She bragged to everyone at our wedding how successful she is…

I reached out to her for the money she owes… crickets for day after day…. Then I finally pin her down and say we NEED the money to pay her bills…

Her response? “I flew across the world to be with you at your wedding and this is how you treat me?!?! Your new wife has a wealthy family, why is this an issue? They should be paying…”

Silence since then…

I’m so furious…. We’re now paying everything for her (my wife and I).

Am I the asshole for decided to cut her out of my life after 22 years? Or should I just give it some space and time?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's not what you need three days after your wedding. Where is your dad in all this? I'd also take your stepmom to small claims and sue her for the money she owes you. This is such entitled and disgusting behaviour.

OOP: My dad didn’t attend, he has Parkinson’s disease and he couldn’t do the ultra long flight.
---------
Comment2: Have you told him what she did? Can he help pay her bills?
---------
OOP: He wants no part (I don’t have a good dad)

---------------
Comment3: I can't imagine a luxury car service agreeing to bill a third party without clearing it with that third party, nor a hotel without a credit card on file, nor a make up artist working on someone without a clear understanding as to whom would be responsible for the bill. Assuming for a moment that any of this is true, why are you responsible? You didn't agree to be responsible, just don't pay.

OOP: Everything was found and booked through the wedding planner. He’s legit and his service is well known in the country, they booked it on his word and the deposits were paid by us because I trusted her. This isn’t the USA.
--------
Comment3: Even so, why would the wedding planner approve charges to you that you did not approve? I didn't mention USA in my post.
---------
OOP: Because he thought SHE was paying. Not us, it doesn’t need our approval if we’re not paying.
---------
Comment3: Then I'm still confused as to why you're on the hook for the charges.
---------
OOP: Because she changed the billing to us instead of her.

---------------
Comment4: I would be asking every vendor for the contract with your signature where you agreed to pay for her expenses. Since they won't have it, then you are not responsible.

Give them your step-mother's contact info (both personal and work, including her cell phone number and the doctor's office/hospital phone number, her personal email and her work email, and all her social media, so they can embarrass her in front of her co-workers).
I personally have no problem cutting deadbeats out of my life.

OOP: It doesn’t work that way in Asia, the signature is from the wedding organizer. Everything went through him.
I have given them her info, but it doesn’t matter. She lives in the USA, that’s too far away for them to care. Since he signed the authorizations and we paid the deposits (because we trusted her to pay the bill through the organizer) it’s actually all on us.

---------------
Comment5: can't you give the vendors, that SHE used and said she'd pay, her mailing address? Email address? Phone number? They need to go after her, not you.

OOP: How would they contact her? She lives in the USA, this is Asia. She won’t suffer any repercussions.

---------------
Comment6: But how did she book first class airline tickets and check in and out of a hotel without paying?

OOP: She didn’t, she paid for her own airfare. My wife’s family was very generous and booked and paid hotel rooms for 5x nights for everyone who flew in from the USA. She booked into her hotel room and then upgraded the room through the front desk, who called us when she upgraded the room to a suite.
We said it was okay as long as she knew she would pay the difference when she checked out. She didn’t check out, she simply left the hotel on the day of her flight.

OOP: The original room was booked from the family for free. With our cc. She upgraded the room to a suite, she was informed she would have to pay the difference (about 50%) when she checked out. She never gave the them her cc, the staff (for whatever reason) never asked for one. She never checked out, she just left….

---------------
Comment7: Why on earth are you paying? You didn't order this crap. Tell the vendors to kick rocks and collect from their client and to stop harassing you. This is pathetic you'd even consider paying.

OOP: Because I don’t want to go to jail…

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update (3 days later): Step mom didn’t pay for anything during her stay at our wedding ringing up $6400 in bills.

I need to clarify some things and give an update…

First: This is a wedding in ASIA, myself and my step mom and 20 other guests (out of 1137 total guests) are from the USA, I live here in Asia now, because I sold my business and almost everything and moved here to be with my new wife and family.

Second: We had two wedding planners from an extremely reputable and very well known organization company. When they call a company and tell them they need services performed, those companies never question it because they know the bill WILL be paid.

Third: Up until this point I had an EXTREMELY positive relationship with my step mom for the last 22yrs. She’s actually the entire reason I still even talk to my father. My relationship with my father is garbage and always has been. This whole thing is so completely out of thin air I feel like I walked into a safe street and got hit by a bus.

Fourth: Everything that was booked at her request went through my wife and I. We always said “yes” because my step mom has been an amazing person for the entire 22 years and has never even once violated my trust. Plus she’s an MD in the USA and makes north of 300k a year. So I trusted her 100% to pay her bills that she rang up.

Fifth: Deposits were indeed needed for virtually everything she booked along with signed agreements. This was all done through the wedding organization, they signed everything and my wife and I paid the deposits with the understanding my step mom would pay the final bill and reimburse us. Again, I trusted her. I had no reason not to.

UPDATE: We’ve tried repeatedly to get her to pay, but she has declined to respond to ALL of our requests. She’s declined the wedding organizers, and all of the vendors, plus she’s blocked them all too on all of her social media. She’s no longer friends with me on social media and has deleted every single message I’ve sent her.

The vendors can’t reach her because she’s quite literally, on the other side of the planet. These bills are forced on us because we signed the document with the wedding organizer and he signed and approved all of the work.

To boot pay them would bring the police and social media on us and our family. We REALLY don’t want to spend time in an Asian prison. So we’re paying the $6400 USD.

We’ve made the decision that we’re going to completely cut her and my dad off.

I’m clueless as to why she burned the bridge, I’m at a complete loss as to why she destroyed our amazing relationship. I’m in my 40’s and she was the 3rd oldest friend I had (22yrs). She never stepped wrong once, I’m positively destroyed and utterly reduced to tears. But, this is clearly the only way forward for my wife and I.

My wife and her family are 100% completely supportive and have taken my side. They’re actually helping to pay for 50% of the total of the bills voluntarily. I’m beyond touched and I feel so happy to have them.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: I suspect you’re going to find out through the grapevine in a few years that she’s in absolutely staggering amounts of debt. 

Comment2: Or, alternative, she’s a miser and has a ton of wealth because she will stiff people any chance she gets.

---------------
Comment3: I’m sorry - did you say you had OVER 1,100 GUESTS at your wedding?!?!?!?!!!!!

OOP: Yes, we did
---------
OOP: Well, mine (the 20 guests) were flying from the USA which is a 30-40hr trip.
---------
OOP: It’s normal around here for a royal wedding, it was actually on the lighter side. Her uncle wanted 3000+ but we were able to talk him out of it because we didn’t want one that big.

---------------
Comment4: Your Father has Parkinson’s, so he doesn’t work, it could be that his medication or treatment isn’t covered by insurance and is expensive and she’s in medical debt. There’s no excuse as to why she did it in the first place though. So rude.

OOP: He retired and is worth 8 figures. He retired at 62, he’s 72 now.

---------------
Comment5: Take her to small claims court in the US. There's many benefits to the US being as litigious as it is. One is people can't easily get away with messing with you like this especially if you know they have a good job.

Usually you would file it yourself and show up yourself but if you want to spare yourself the plane tickets back and forth it probably will be in your best interest to hire a lawyer to represent you completely. It still will be cheaper than the final bill and I would ask if you can request the lawyer fees in your compensation.

OOP: I already talked to a lawyer, this isn’t a US crime, it’s an Asian crime. It was committed in Asia, so it’s their jurisdiction, for which they’re not interested in an amount this small. Which unfortunately was pre-approved by the wedding planner and us.
She committed the perfect crime.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/bigfoot by user tiredoftheman3. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Editor's Note: I added paragraph breaks for readability

Original

March 5, 2025

Found these this morning walking on the Sanborn River Trail in Greenwood Maine.

For size comparison, I wear a size 11 boot, and weigh 210 pounds The prints were smaller than my boot, but made deeper impressions than I did. The foot seemed to bend greatly in the arch, resulting in some clumps of snow being left behind the print, as though it was expelled from the arch after being compressed in it. The print also has quite a curve to it.

I also took a picture of where it looks like it stopped to pee. Also, it wouldn’t cross the wooden plank bridges over the small streams/ditches, choosing to go into the ditch, except for the one plank that had a handrail, which it crossed. I lost the tracks where the trail came back out on the dirt road that is only used by snowmobiles in the winter.

If I had to guess I’d say they were made in the early morning hours, because I came through around 10am during a drizzle/freezing rain and they still looked quite fresh.

I only felt brave enough to follow because of their size, thinking that it must be a juvenile and possibly in the curious but not scary stages of life. Still pretty pumped up about this, and can’t wait to go back out tomorrow!!

Album with several pictures of large footprints in the snow

Update

March 6, 2025, 1 day later

Here are more pictures, including from Friday when I was there last after a fresh snowfall I broke trail that day, but it has been well used since then by snowshoers and boot hikers 2 of the pictures are of what I thought was a baby that had been placed on the ground, but it now looks like a print of only the ball of the foot hitting the ground, without the heel making contact… It was the only one like it that I saw, except on the hill climbs where the ball of the foot and toes dug into the snow deeper

[Editor's Note: The pictures were deleted by moderation of the Bigfoot subreddit]

Update 2

March 6, 2025, about 17 hours after the last posting

Good news, bad news time kids.

Unfortunately, after speaking with a man who lives on the entry road, there is a guy who drives to the trail and then walks barefoot in the snow, as long as it’s not crusty.

However, I do have video of an authentic Maine River roaring with snow melt and rain we got all morning, with just a hint of Deflation Tears provided by yours truly mixed in.

Consider it a one minute break to contemplate just how good we’ve got it that we HAVE TO go walking in our bare feet in snow, but we CAN if we want to… I guess.

Sorry for the false hopes y’all

Cozy video of a river

I'm not the original poster.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/brandonpiece posting in r/AITH

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Medium

Original - 29th September 2026

Update - 4th October 2026

Update - 11th October 2026

AITA for telling my best friend I can't afford her bachelorette trip and won't be paying for part of hers?

I (29F) live in Columbus, Ohio and work as a dental hygienist. My best friend Megan (29F) and I have been close since college. She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this October and I happily said yes. A few weeks ago, she sent the group chat the plan for her bachelorette weekend three nights in Nashville, a rented house and a full schedule of activities.

My share comes to about $1,800 with flights, food and the dress and shoes I already bought. I recently paid off a chunk of my student loans and do not have that kind of money to spare right now. I told Megan privately that I'd love to be there but could only manage one night or I could help out in other ways like making the decorations or planning games. She said the house is booked for the whole group and that everyone else is making it work.

She also suggested I just put it on a credit card. I said no, that I do not want to go into debt for a weekend trip. She replied, Wow. I guess I know where I stand and has not spoken to me in four days. Two other bridesmaids texted me saying I am being dramatic and that it's her one big moment. I feel awful, but I also do not think a friend should ask me to go into debt for a party. AITA?

Comments

Lexa19_HK

NTA a real friend would never expect you to go into debt for them or pressure you to do something you’re uncomfortable with. You’re better off without her in your life Also expecting people to spend $1800 just to be in your wedding (regardless of what you earn) is insane.

AuggieNorth

I thought the $1800 was just for the bachelorette weekend?

OOP: Yes, it's just for the bachelorette weekend, not the whole wedding.

Lexa19_HK

You are right, I saw shoes and dresses and assumed OP meant those are for the wedding - that makes it worse.

RedUnicorn23

NTA. Why didn’t she check with everyone that they could afford it before planning a big weekend away? People are so selfish. I’ve told my MoH that I don’t want people spending a lot of money on activities for the hen do - they’re already having to get hotel rooms and a day or two off for the wedding - so I said keep it local and keep it cheap.

**Judgement - NTA*\*

Update - 6 days later

Thank you to everyone who commented. I read pretty much all of them, and I really appreciate that so many of you took the time. Sorry if this is long. The first couple of days after I posted I was a mess. Everyone in the comments said NTA and that helped, but it also made me think about how my message might have come across. I think I made it sound like I was dumping the whole thing on her at once.

In my head I was being practical, but I can see how it felt like a no to her. On day five I called her instead of texting. She picked up on the second ring, which honestly surprised me. I told her I was sorry things got weird and that none of this was about not caring about her wedding. I said I was scared of going back into debt after working so hard to pay down my loans and that I'd rather be honest than say yes and then resent the whole weekend.

She was quiet for a bit and then she started crying. She said she'd been stressed out of her mind with wedding planning, her mom's opinions and the venue deposit and that when I said no she took it as me pulling away from her. She also said she had no idea what the total came to for me with the dress, shoes and flights because she'd only been looking at the house split.

She admitted the credit card comment was a dumb thing to say. I told her the I guess I know where I stand text really hurt and she apologized for that too. Where we landed, I am coming to Nashville for the Saturday only. I'll drive instead of flying, which cuts a lot off. Megan is going to ask the house owner if they'll adjust my share since I'm only there one night. I am also taking charge of the games and decorations like I originally offered and I'll be at the shower and the rehearsal dinner too.

About the two bridesmaids who texted me, I did not reply for a day or two. When I finally did, I just said I was not going to argue about it and that Megan and I had talked. One of them said sorry. The other left me on read, which is fine. It is not magically perfect. It's still a little awkward and I think we both have some stuff to work through. But she's glad I told her the truth and I am glad too, even if it was a rough week. Thanks again for all the kind words. I'll update after the trip if anything dramatic happens.

Comments

DontBeAsi9

Congrats on being able to communicate and come to a resolution that worked for both of you. Safe travels and have fun!

Update - 7 days later

This will be my last update, since the sub limits updates and I do not want to keep milking this. Thank you again to everyone who commented and sent kind messages. Sorry in advance, it’s long. Megan talked to the house owner and they lowered my share since I was only staying one night. Between driving instead of flying, the adjusted house split and food, I spent a little over $400 in total (the dress and shoes were already paid for).

That was a number I could handle without touching a credit card. I also told Megan I’d cover my own gas and snacks and not to worry about it. I drove down Saturday morning and got there around noon. I’ll be honest, I was nervous the whole drive. I kept replaying the I guess I know where I stand text in my head and wondering if things would be weird in person. They weren’t.

Megan hugged me the second I walked in and said she was really glad I came. The decorations were a hit. I made a banner and some table signs for the house and the games went better than I expected. Even the bridesmaid who left me on read joined in and laughed at the trivia round about Megan and her fiancé. We did not talk about the group chat stuff and I am okay with that.

Late Saturday night, after everyone else went to bed, Megan and I sat on the back porch for about an hour. She told me she felt bad about how she handled everything, and that she’d been so focused on making the weekend perfect that she stopped thinking about what it actually cost people. She said a couple of the other girls had also been stretching their budgets and never said anything, and that she wished they’d felt comfortable telling her.

I told her I was sorry for how my first message came across and that I should have called her sooner instead of letting it sit. We both cried a little. It was a good talk. The wedding is in a couple of weeks. I’ll be at the rehearsal dinner and the ceremony and I am still doing the shower decorations. Things between us feel normal again maybe even better, because we actually said the hard stuff out loud.

Looking back, saying I can’t afford this felt like the worst thing I could do, but it ended up being the right call. If I had gone along with it to avoid conflict, I’d probably be resentful right now and in debt. Being honest and offering what I could do worked out better for everyone. That’s it from me. Thanks for reading, and please be kind to your friends and your bank accounts.

Comments

MeetKey6629 • 4h ago Sometimes hard conversations take more than one conversation. Glad you both could talk it through.

OOP: Thank you! Totally agree, it took a couple of tries, but it was worth it. 😊

coolgramm

I’ve read so many posts about bridal party costs being uncomfortable or impossible, but too many people don’t have the courage, as you did, to address it head on. Good for you! I hope this inspires others to do the same.

thecakebroad

this was such an unexpected happy ending since these types of posts typically end in a chaotic friend/enemy type situation.. glad you advocated for yourself and that your friend is a good friend and didn't make you regret agreeing to being a bridesmaid 🤣.

Lisa_Knows_Best

It's nice that you worked it all out and it's wonderful that two adults actually communicated, came to a compromise and were both happy with the outcome. It's refreshing to see that can still happen on occasion.

Have to point out though, that $400 for one night is still insane. I know for some people that's nothing and everything is expensive now but that's not the point. The point is she expected, pretty much demanded, her friends spend $1800 on her. She settled for you, only you cause you said something, to spend $400 on her. It's really fucking selfish to think your friends shouldn't question or object to how much money they spend on you. Just saying, glad you had a good time.

OOP: Thanks and honestly, you are not wrong. $400 for one night is still a lot, I am just glad Megan listened to me. 😊.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Repulsive_Dark_4273

Published on: r/AmIOverreacting

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 14, 2024

• Final Update: November 15, 2024

Main Post

^{November 14, 2024}

AIO to partner taking photos of me in the bathroom?

Last night my (29F) partner (39M) walked into our bedroom, where I was in the bathroom completely naked sitting on the toilet ready to get in the shower. I don’t lock the door because he gets angry.

I told him to get out and he picked up his phone and pointed it at me like he was taking a picture, which I assumed was a joke until he turned his phone around and there was the picture of me, butt ass naked on the toilet. He said something along the lines of “blackmail, I’m sending this to your boss”.

I got angry and he deleted it but I didn’t care, the damage was done. I shoved him out of the room and locked the door. Went and finished my shower and went downstairs to take my meds and ignored him talking to me and went back upstairs to go to bed. These were the texts that followed.

The relationship has been rocky for a while but I think this was the last straw and I am currently looking at apartments and planning a way out. He doesn’t think any of this was a big deal.

Am I overreacting?

SCREENSHOT OF CONVERSATION BETWEEN OOP AND HER BF

SCREENSHOT TRANSCRIPTION START

BF: Fuck off!

OOP: You just took photos of me naked in the bathroom without my consent. I feel violated and humiliated. What you did is not just illegal but shows you have absolutely no respect for me as a person. This is not okay. I no longer feel safe here. I am beyond hurt and I don't think I will ever be able to forgive you for this.

BF: wtf. I deleted off everything! And you can see for yourself.

BF: So ya prob shouldn't stay here if you feel unsafe

OOP: It is still in your recently deleted and there are still ways to recover it. You completely violated my trust.

BF: Not it's not!

SCREENSHOT TRANSCRIPTION END

COMMENTS

[deleted]

The very best scenario for the dude’s actions I can imagine is he doesn’t want the door locked when you shower bc there is 1 bathroom and he might need to pee, and thought he was being funny. I could see assuming this level of informality with a live-in partner.

It’s not right and super immature, and he should be making moves to atone for this and understand where you’re coming from.

And if there is more than one bathroom, LEAVE.

OOP

We have 3 bathrooms…

Jaceevoke (downvoted)

Probably an unpopular question/takeaway but why would you be with someone, living with them, presumably sleeping with them if you weren’t comfortable with being naked around them? If my partner walked into the bathroom when I was getting ready to shower I would be thrilled thinking they wanted to join me in the shower.

The whole taking a photo and saying it’s black mail is a massive red flag, no disagreement there. But if you get mad at your partner for walking into the bathroom, the relationship is cooked

OOP

I’m completely comfortable being naked around him. I just don’t want photos of my butt ass naked taking a shit on his phone, my phone, or literally anywhere in existence

Princess_Peach556

He gets angry if you lock the door? 😐 everything I just read is so fucked up.

I’m curious as to why at the beginning of the screenshot it says “fuck off!”

OOP

That was his response to me going to bed.

dylannngoesharder (downvoted)

God forbid your boss finds out you get naked before you get in the shower. What kind of blackmail is that?

OOP

The reason for that is he accuses me of flirting with my boss because I talk on the phone with him occasionally (always about work). Also my boss is happily married with 2 babies.

Final_Candidate_7603

WAIT- in your post, you said you don’t lock the bathroom door because it makes him mad… would you prefer to lock it, and if so- why?

OOP

I like to have privacy when I’m naked or taking a shit. He has a 6 year old who also doesn’t understand privacy. When I locked it to keep her out, was when he flipped on me for locking it and why I stopped doing so

Final Update - after 1 day

^{November 15, 2024}

AIO update to partner taking pictures in bathroom

I got home yesterday with the idea that if he would apologize and admit that he shouldn’t have done what he did, I was going to move past it. That is not what happened. After I arrived home from work, he was giving me the silent treatment.

I asked him straight up if there was anything he felt like he needed to say to me. He said nope! That was when I told him about the post. Apparently a narcissist cannot handle thousands of people saying they are wrong because he had an absolute meltdown temper tantrum like I’ve never seen before.

Name calling, opening the door to try and let my dog out into traffic, demanding I send him money or get out of his house immediately. So I did just that. Called my mom to come over and babysit him while I got out as many things as I could. I got my dog and cat out of there too.

We are staying with my sweet and lovely coworker who I’m pretty sure is an actual angel on earth. Not only is he blocked but his number is completely removed from my phone. I couldn’t reach out to him if I wanted to and hopefully he’s not able to figure out a way to reach out to me.

Thank you to everyone who told me to get the hell out of there. I really did need thousands of people telling me the obvious. He really had me thinking I was the crazy one.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwaway787766

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: February 06, 2019

• Update: March 05, 2019

• Final Update: June 07, 2019

Main Post

^{February 06, 2019}

Wife (31F) and I(34M) are broken and Im thinking of divorce.

So a little backstory. My (34M) wife (31 F) and I have been together for 5 years and married for 3. The past 2 years have been pretty stressful for her (and me) as she was finishing up a Masters in a really competitive program. The last year of the prgram was last year and it really pushed her hard. During that time our time in the bedroom dwindled away to nothing as she was always either studying or in class.

She finished the Masters June of last year. I was expecting that things would pick up in the bedroom again after it was over but it hasnt. She still turned me down all the time stressing about finding a job. Its to the point where the last time we had sex was April of 2018. Every time I tried initiating, or doing a date night, or being romantic it always ends up with her being too tired.

I even told her Id settle for dirty talk every once in a while but she didnt feel like doing that either. I suggested we go to counseling. She said she would find a counselor she liked. I waited. Asked again. She called me selfish. I gave up. I lost my mind for the first couple of months and then I decided to just focus on myself and start working out and keep doing my own thing. Before the lack of sex thing we had a pretty good relationship but now its gotten to be more like roommates than husband/wife.

Fast forward to this past weekend. We went out to watch the Superbowl with another couple who are good friends of ours. While we were at the sports bar we met and started hanging out with a random group of people also watching the game. A very attractive woman who was part of that group kept winding up next to me and making small talk with me and looking at me in a way that was obviously flirting.

I kept it clean but definitely kept up the banter. When the girl wenrt ot the bathroom my wife pulled me over and said (in front of our couple-friends) something to the the effect of "its obvious that girl is into you. I dont want you talking to her" . Something about the way she said it to me triggered something and I just came back with something like " Im just happy to have some attention baby. Its been a long time. Almost a year now "

She looked shocked. Then angry. Then angrier. Our friends just turned around and started watching the game again. And right then the other girl came back and introduced herself to my wife. My wife walked away and the wife of our friend followed her.

We left the bar soon after and shared an uber back with the other couple. We got into a fight (we never fight) about her lack of interest in going to counseling and she told me that she thought I was selfish and not understanding. We havent talked much since. I don't want to end my marriage but I don't see any compromise in her at all. Before I start divorce I want to know if there is anything we can do to save things

Thanks

TLDR: No sex with wife for almost a year. She doesn't seem to mind and Im becoming the same way. I don't believe in divorce but don't see a way forward. Advice ?

COMMENTS

[deleted] (downvoted)

Have you done anything to help bring her mind back to the idea of being sexual again or do you just think she should be there on her own?

[deleted]

She's the one who ended the sexual relationship, why should it be on OP to restart it? This has been on her from the beginning, and while it might have been out of her control at the beginning, now it's firmly her problem of her making that she needs to deal with.

OOP

This is how I feel

OOP

I don't want to chase her anymore. If she want to tell me what she needs Im ok to listen and try. If she doesn't want to have sex with me that's ok too. But I don't want to do all the heavy lifting alone. We're both young enough to find other people and I feel great with all the gym work Ive done. I don't want to beat my head against a wall in frustration. I think its getting there and I don't want it to

OOP to a long downvoted comment

If she doesnt want to go to counseling with me then there is nothing more for me to do

Greyhunted (downvoted)

If she doesnt want to go to counseling with me then there is nothing more for me to do

Why? Do you mean that you have already tried talking about her fears (etc) and got the feeling that you were only going around in circles? Or is it something else?

OOP

I have tried talking to her about whats bothering her. SHe keeps talking about how shes stressed about getting a job but she doesnt need to get one right away. I paid for the balance of her tuition and we are comfortable money wise so I dont really believe that its a job/money thing thats stressing her. But thats what she keeps saying. When I mention to her that the job stress hting doesnt add up she gets angry at me for implying that she is lying. And as I type that Ive just beocme suspsicious that its something more nefarious thats eating at her.

mercurialgypsy

1. First things first: get yourself started in individual therapy. For one thing, it may encourage her to also go to therapy, but also, no matter what moves you make going forward, I think starting counseling on your own is going to be good for your own mental and emotional health. Even if you do manage to get her to go to couples counseling, I think you should also keep up an individual therapy relationship (tbh I’m not sure about the etiquette on whether those should be with the same therapist or not, but that’s something you can ask your therapist about). You might also want to try to compromise with your wife, as well - tell her that if she won’t go to couples counseling, you think she should at least go on her own, because clearly her mental health has taken a toll, and you’re worried about her.

2. Physical intimacy is absolutely a necessity in most relationships, and I definitely understand your frustration - it’s completely valid, and I don’t blame you at all. But in order to navigate this issue, I don’t recommend using anything akin to “I’m a man and men have needs” as an argument, because it makes it sound like you think you’re entitled to her body - which you’re not - and that’s probably going to be counterproductive in getting her to want to sleep with you. And in light of what happened at the Super Bowl, I’d urge you not to make it sound like sex is a primal urge that you’ll take wherever you can get it (again, this would sound something like “I have needs you aren’t satisfying,” etc), because that will also not help you. You want to avoid her getting defensive at all. Instead, I’d explain to her that having a sexual relationship with your wife is vitally important to you because you want and desire her specifically. I think framing it in terms of intimacy and affection rather than strictly sex may go a long way - it makes it about your relationship, rather than just being about your sexual frustrations. Reassure her that you love her, and care about her, and want to reestablish both the emotional and physical intimacy of a marriage because of how much you love her. Even if all of that feels really hard to say right now, say it anyway.

3. You’re going to have to be willing to fight if you don’t want this to fall apart completely. You’re going to have to be willing to have uncomfortable conversations that neither one of you want to have. It’ll suck, but it’s better than giving up immediately. That said... I don’t think this is an unfair issue to consider divorce over. I just think you should exhaust your other options first.

4. That said, I don’t think you should approach her with an ultimatum of sex or divorce right out of the gate, but I do think you need to make it clear that this isn’t something she can pretend isn’t happening, and that this is of vital importance to your continued relationship. Make her see that this is serious and that you both need to deal with whatever is going on.

Good luck, man.

OOP

Good advice. Thank you

Update - after 27 days

^{March 05, 2019}

[UPDATE] Wife (31F) and I(34M) are broken and Im thinking of divorce.

I've started , stopped and rewritten this post a few times over several days already to so if it seems a little incoherent, sorry. Lots went on but Ill keep it short as possible.

That Saturday after my original post I tried again to talk to her about what I felt was missing in our relationship. This did not go well. The next Staurday I went out and rented an apartment with a lease starting March 1st. I went back home and told her I would be moving out. I said I did not know what was going on with her and since she did not want to do anything about it I wanted a divorce.

I loved her but I couldnt live like a hostage anymore. She got really quiet and then started sobbing and telling me that I was cruel and selfish and that my focus on sex was the issue and that I should go to counseling for that (again). I was hoping that she would have said somehting else but since she didnt I just started packing a few things for work. She asked me where I was going and told her I would be staying at my parents for the next few weeks until my lease started.

As soon as I told her I would be staying at my parents she got really quiet and asked me if Id told my parents yet. Sirens started going off in my head immediately. I said that I had not (this was lie). Then she got quiet for about 5 minutes and right when I was about to walk out the door she asked me not to leave. She wanted to talk. And then she told me something I didnt want to hear.

She'd cheated on me with a guy in her class last year. And got an STD. Nothing fatal but not the kind you can get rid of . She told me that it only happened one time but I am sure that is not true. I was numb. ( One of my female friends told me that wife cheating was a possibility but I didnt believe it) . I didn't say anything while wife talked. MOstly because my mind was reeling but also because I didnt really have anything to say. I realize now that I had said everything I had to say over the course of the previous year and now I had nothing. After she finished talking I just told her ok. I was numb. And I left the house with her in it and went to my parents house about 2 hours away. I told her I would be back but have not been back to the house or seen her since.

I got to my parents house and told them everything . They told me they could tell something was wrong for a few months and that they were sorry.I had planned to go back to the house but my mother told me that if I was moving forward with divorce that I should not go . So my mother and father went and got a few personal items for me. Everything else I left. I also contacted a lawyer and told him to contact wife to start the divorce.

Wife has called me on cell and at work a few times and even emailed me but I didn't read it. She also had one of her friends call me and tell me to please talk to my wife and that she is very sorry but as soon as I realized it was a friend of hers I hung up. I have two weeks off coming up in April and I plan to go to Vegas with a buddy. My parents and friends have been very supportive and I honestly feel better than I have felt in a long time.

I never thought I would get divorced. And that first week I felt like a failure because I knew my marriage was over. But my father told me something that I have said to myself over and over. "Someone else doing the wrong thing makes them the failure. Not you . "

I hung out this weekend with a girl from my job who Ive always gotten along with . She saw me at work last week without my ring and asked me what happened. I told her that my wife and I were divorcing. She gave me a hug in the office and that hug felt like the best thing in the world. After work this weekend we went out for a few drinks and just hung out and had fun and ended up back at my place. Im not ready for nor do I want a relationship obviously but it felt so good to be in a bed with a woman where it felt so relaxed and accepting. I felt completely at ease. I know the divorce is going to be tough but this weekend even after all thats happened I feel like it will be worth it.

EDIT: Thank you for the GOLD. My first time.

EDIT #2: Thank you for all the comments and feedback. Surprisingly reading all these comments and responding to some has been very, very helpful in clarifying how I feel and keeping me from going down an unhealthier path.

EDIT #3: Spoke to lawyer. No effect on divorce since I’m out and I’ve established sep residence. I’m free to hang out with whomever

COMMENTS

wllmwallace

"Im not ready for nor do I want a relationship obviously but it felt so good to be in a bed with a woman where it felt so relaxed and accepting. "

My dude.....please refrain from this until the ink on the divorce decree is dry. If this comes up later, it could get nasty, do not give "ex" ANY ammunition. Tell lawyer about encounter, but no one else.

OOP

Really ? Well female friend and I were out and about in same town and a few people saw us out that I know. No secret that wife and I are done. What could STBX use as ammo here ?

paloumbo

It needs to still exist in your state. Then it needs to be proven.

How far are you in the divorce ? Does your lawyer already filed it ? Did she got served ?

Go to /r/divorce they will be able to advise you.

And get std tested ASAP. You ignore if she gave up sex with you, only once she found out she had a std.

OOP

Lawyer said she should be served some time this week.

MorthaP

Yea, about your coworker...please don't jump into the next trashfire right away, OP.

OOP

Yeah. She is 10 years younger than me so neither one of us is taking it for more than it is.

MoreSnowPlz (downvoted)

Ugh, gut punch. So sorry man. Your dad is right; you aren't a failure because your marriage is over.

However, you should really consider having one more conversation with your wife - - not about reconciliation, but about what happened and why she cheated. Maybe she can shed some light on why her needs were not being met. At some point you will become someone's partner again and if there is room to improve yourself before that, your wife would be the best source of info.

This would be an incredibly kind gesture to her, but meeting with her again would help with her closure. She made an unforgivable mistake and she is going to live with the consequences for the rest of her life. You might find some positives in having proper closure as well.

OOP

No thank you . I don't want to allow any room in my head or her head for any of her rationalizations. If I had smacked her around causing her to leave me would you tell her " hey go find out what you did to make your husband so angry. Maybe you can learn from it and get some closure " ? No thank you . The time for talking is passed. I have tried to not to be harsh on her in my posts because everyone makes mistakes. But she made a series of piece of shit decisions and didn't once talk to me about it. She protected herself at the expense of my mental and physical well being. Thats all the closure I need.

lighthouselens

Wow, your ex was just evil. Blaming you while she is fucking around on the side. Glad to see you are moving on from that toxic situation.

OOP

This is another reason I don't want to talk to her and was done. The amount of trashiness it takes to make it seem as if I was the one with the problem means I can never trust her again.

TheMocking-Bird

Was her STD the reason she choose to refrain from having sex? Was she concerned for your health? Or was she afraid you'd realize about her affair? Either way it sucks that you went without sex for that long, and that you were cheated on. Glad your getting a divorce, don't bother hearing out the wife, no excuse to cheat.

OOP

We never got to that point. I suspect she was just trying to cover for herself since she didn’t mind torturing me mentally

Final Update - after 4 months, 1 day (after 3 months, 2 days from last post)

^{June 07, 2019}

[UPDATE] - [UPDATE] Wife (31F) and I(34M) are broken and Im thinking of divorce.

Last update for the people who messaged me and wanted to know how things were going with the divorce. Ill answer all questions here:

Have I talked to wife or seen her since I left the house ?

I haven't communicated or seen soon-to-be-ex (STBX) at all since I moved out. For the first few weeks she tried calling me but Id stopped answering any unknown numbers. She left me two (IIRC) crying messages but soon after the lawyers got involved those stopped.

Is the divorce going smoothly ?

Through lawyer I offered spousal support amount he suggested in lump sum. She could have everything in the house. I tried to make it as simple as possible and keep the conversation to a minimum.

About a month or so after starting I found out that she has been telling her friends that I had been emotionally abusive to her. That I kept pressuring her to do sexual things that she didn't want to do . That I wasn't supportive of her pursuing a graduate degree. All of this is a lie , of course, and I almost called her to tell her back to tell her to quit her bull.

This is the one point where I can say that I felt anger. But thankfully my parents and friends jut told me to let the lawyer handle it and not let her get me to call her and not to lose my cool for even 1 second until the divorce was done.

Also through mutual friends I found out that she has a dating profile on dating app and is dating . Lawyer tells me this is a good thing and I tend to agree.

There is a lot of information lawyers ask about. Its surreal to have someone you hardly know asking you very specific details about your sex life, finances and other very very personal things. Overall this part of the process has been the hardest for me and has left me drained. But on the plus side the lawyer thinks this will be done in a few weeks so I will finally be free.

Did I tell my friends that she cheated ?

Yes. And that she got an STI. And that we hadn't had sex in a year. I had to explain why I just up and left. I was very candid . Im not going to carry any shame for her

How much is divorce costing ?

I can't say exactly. Between $100K - 150K for one time buyout

Did I get an STI from her ?

No. I had myself checked once right after she told me and another time since and Im clear.

Would I get married again ?

Emphatic "No". The last three years were emotionally draining for me. And emascualting. Every stereotype Id heard about marriage before I got married has come to pass. My wife was entitled. And didn't hold herself accountable in the marriage. She kept reminding me of her rights and my responsibilities. She felt that everything bad that happened to us was my fault . And she insisted that her feelings become my facts. And worse of all, she would easily project her mistakes and guilt onto me and make me carry them instead of dealing with them like a grownup

And I see this everywhere I look. I was raised to believe that husband and wife were in things together. Responsible for each other. But when I look around all I see is the message that women do too much and men are the problem. That women don't need men. That if a wife is unhappy in her marriage then it's the mans fault. And maybe she can do better. I see it in some of my friends' marriages. My friends wives just casually disrespect their husbands all the time. And I felt that from STBX 100%. My mother told me that women today compete more than cooperate (or something like that) and I can see that 100% when I look at my buddies and their marriages. And mine. Most of my friends have kids and they feel trapped.

I realize now that before I met my wife my I was already very happy. I really didn't want for anything . My business was going really well and I enjoyed my life very much. I got married because I thought my life would get better and I would be happier. That we would combine the best parts of our lives to our mutual benefit - so that our future kids would have the security of two dedicated awesome parents. But I see now that once we got married I basically began subsidizing her life. She expected me to do what she wanted and expected me to allow her to do what she wanted. She benefitted from a better life and all I got were obligations. Thats the most honest way I can put it. the Bible says that its better for a man to live alone on the corner of a roof than in a house with a quarrelsome woman. I agree. Theres nothing I get from being married. I don't need to be married again.

Do I miss her ?

No. Sexual intimacy and trust are necessary components of attachment for me (common, I think). And ease. I didn't have either with her. I had the opposite. I felt inadequate. Like I was always trying to hit a target that she kept moving. I never felt that way in my life before her. And part of me realized that she wanted it that way. So that the focus would be on me instead of her. Thats not love. Thats evil. So no, I don't miss her. I feel like a better man now.

Am I still dating colleague from work ?

We haven't slept together in a few weeks. But we still hang out . And I enjoy it. I would call us friends .

Thanks

TLDR: Update on leaving wife and life while divorcing

COMMENTS

HanEmpire

I hope you take all the info and dump it on her family. While I wouldn't call for revenge normally, her trying to poison the well and slander you justifies it IMO. Clear your name OP.

OOP

Her family hasn't spoken to me at all. If they do I will tell them the truth. But I won't go out of my way to name call. I have told people in my circle what has happened. And we have mutual friends so Im sure her parents have heard my side.

slpgh

Quick question that wasn’t clear from my previous update - what had made her admit the infidelity when you were ready to leave? It’s not like it would have increased the chances of you staying but rather the opposite, so I’m perplexed by it. Though in many ways you’re better off knowing the truth and have dodged the bullet. In some ways it’s better to know than to wonder about someone’s reasons and actions for the rest of your life.

OOP

It would have increased my chances of staying, oddly enough. In fact, if she had confessed things before* I was on the way out, I would most likely have stayed. Which would have been very bad. But I know myself. I would want to try

I have two really close female friends. They think that by telling me, my STBX was trying to show remorse and count on my need to "do the right thing". It was a way to knock me off balance and freeze me. While I was "processing" this new info she would convince me to stay and work it out. She was counting on me wanting to protect her reputation too. This would buy her some more time and keep her infidelity between us. My female friends tell me that she was probably counting on me being too ashamed at the lack of sex to talk about it with anyone. so when she realized that I was ready to go public with our issues to our family and friends she started realizing that her hand was being forced so confessing on the spot was the best way to keep me quiet.

I dont understand it fully. But I have no doubt they are right. That night, after my STBX confessed and I still carried on packing, I remember she started crying and saying " I can't believe you're still leaving. How can you leave now " . I didn't think about it then, but my friends tell me that she was expecting me to be like "ok she came clean. now I have to work on forgiving her"

It pained me to read what I just wrote. Every once in a while Im reminded quite clearly how little she thought of my feelings and how much she only considered her own. And it makes me a little angry that I took it for so long.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/datingoverforty by user Disney_Pal. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

October 8, 2026

I’m 42 F and I met a wonderful guy, same age, who I am completely attracted to. We are both divorced.

It’s been almost 3 weeks since our first date. There were sparks immediately. He held my hand on our first date, told me how beautiful I was, and he was very forward with his gestures. I was more reserved since he was merely a stranger at that point.

Since then, every date we’ve been on, I’ve had to reach out for his hand. He stopped initiating moves, which is surprising because he was the complete opposite on our first date.

He’s kissed my hand and the top of my head on dates 3 and 4, right before we said goodbye. On date 4, we watched the stars and the night lights as we cuddled under a blanket and shared stories.

On date 5, I was so sure that he would kiss me in the car as we hugged and said our goodbyes.

We already have dates 6 and 7 planned for this weekend.

I really don’t understand why he’s taking it so slow. Is he attracted to me? Is he afraid of something? Is he taking it slow because he really likes me and doesn’t want to screw things up? With his busy schedule and his ADHD resulting in poor time management, I doubt he is seeing someone else.

I want the kiss to happen naturally and don’t want to force it. I also don’t want to initiate it so I’m not sure what to do... I know everyone is different but I would love to get your opinion.

Consensus:

This isn't a one-way street. OOP could've made the first move too, and he probably wonders the same things they do.

Update

October 10, 2026, 2 days later

I didn’t think I would get such a huge response in my original post. I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for the honest feedback. I didn’t get a chance to respond to all but I did read every single comment!!

Before I get into date 6, I did want to mention that I hadn’t dated in 10 years, and before that, I was married for 9 years so I was really rusty in dating. I had never used a dating app to meet someone so this was a whole new experience for me and I didn’t know what to expect. In the past, I’ve only ever dated guys I met in person - those were easier to navigate and the kiss usually happened organically without giving too much thought.

A lot of comments said that I should just give him a kiss during a hug when our faces are close to each other. Simple concept but it proved to be harder than I thought because of our height difference - I’m 4’11” and he’s 6’4”. I kept imagining how that would work while hugging standing up. In that scenario, he would have to come down to my level to initiate the kiss.

I took all of your advice to heart, and I prepared myself for any scenario that could arise on date 6. If you don’t want to read the play by play below - spoiler alert, we did finally have our first kiss!

Here’s what’s happened on date 6:

It was a beautiful autumn evening. We went out for pizza and sat on the charming patio of the restaurant. After dinner, we continued to talk and I touched his thigh and leaned my head against his shoulder. He didn’t touch me back so I felt like he wasn’t into me for whatever reason.

The restaurant was closing and it was getting late, so we decided to call it a night. He had taken public transit and I had my car. He asked me to drop him off at the nearest station and I offered to drive him back to his place so I could get some extra time with him. He felt bad about it and told me I didn’t have to do that, so I asked, “well… do you want to spend more time with me?” in which he replied, yes :)

In the car, I reached for his hand and we held hands for majority of the ride, about 30 min. I asked him all the questions that kept me up at night. I won’t bore you with all of that but the main question you might like to know, “why did you step back after our first date?” He said it’s because he felt that I wasn’t physically into him and that he saw me as a more reserved, elegant person so he wanted to respect that. He apparently had to curb his enthusiasm because he has a high sex drive and he would have wanted to “eat me up and take me to the moon and back a few times” 🙈 his exact words (lol)

After hearing that, I expressed that I was physically attracted to him from the start - his personality made me like him even more, and that I was really into him. With all that out in the air, as we hugged and said goodbye in the car, I could tell that he still wasn’t going to kiss me. I knew I had to say something or else he would never kiss me even after 20 dates. In the spur of the moment, I just asked straight up, “Can I kiss you?”, he blushed and responded, “I would love that.” We made out for a while and it was the perfect way to end the night :)

If I hadn’t posted and asked for your advice, I wouldn’t have had the courage or idea to do what I did, so thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Comments by OOP:

Looking back, I’m glad that this slow buildup happened. I’m glad I waited. I think it will be a while until I have physical intimacy with him.

I’m glad that he is the kind of guy who respects my pace despite his sexual desires for me :)

I was so surprised he still didn’t go for it. I think it will be another month before sex 😂

Thank you so much! I think he has no issues in that department as he was feeling me up when we made out last night. But I’m not ready to go there yet, so we’re gonna have to have that talk soon.

I have so much respect for a guy who has a lot of self control even with an insane sex drive!

I’m very shy and reserved when it comes to physical intimacy so it might be a while until I’m ready for the next step. I hope he has the patience to wait. I believe he does :)

When I saw his height on his profile, it made me hesitant to match with him but I’m glad I took a chance :)

After the first date, he was sending me suggestive messages/ photos, which caught me off guard. It was too soon too fast for me so I responded, “wow, you’re going from 0 to 100 so fast 🤣”

A guy being a gentleman, being respectful and treating me with care is such a big turn on for me and I have that with this guy. It’s so romantic! I hope that we end up working together.

I will report back on the sex part when it happens 🤣

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ThrowRA_RN

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: March 21, 2020

• Final Update: June 04, 2020

Main Post

^{March 21, 2020}

My (22F) boyfriend (24M) wants me to stop going to work and quit my job.

I’m an ICU nurse and my unit recently was converted into my hospital’s designated coronavirus treatment ICU. To reduce exposure to as many staff and other patients as possible all patients being treated for COVID-19 that require intensive care will be moved to my unit. And my unit looks like a war zone. Not enough supplies, talk of making everyone reuse one mask for the whole day, doubling covid patients, and the list goes on. My management everyday says we aren’t ready but we just have to make ends meet.

My boyfriend and I have been together for around 10 months but often joke we are more like a 2-3 year couple. We’ve gone on vacations together, will be moving in together soon, and plan on adopting our first pet in the coming months. He loves me a lot and basically since we started dating has said I’m “the one” and that he knows we will get married.

We both have very similar childhoods and similar mental health stuff so we get each other in a way that’s really special. But now he wants me to quit my job. He’s worried I’ll get exposed, or worse sick and end up needing to be admitted. With seeing how hospitals are about to be overloaded he’s terrified I won’t have a bed or a vent available for me if I were to need one. Plus I’m also having panic attacks about being scared of work and he hates seeing me like this.

I totally understand where he’s coming from but I also can’t just up and quit my job. I never swore an oath but I feel like I have a duty to my patients. And I have a duty to not abandon my coworkers. I also feel like quitting during this crisis will be very frowned upon when I try to get a new job when this passes.

I don’t know how to balance my needs, his needs, and the needs of my hospital and patients. I don’t know exactly what I’m asking for but any advice at all would be appreciated.

Quick update: we are hanging out (having a coronavirus bleach the apartment dance party which I would highly recommend). We talked about it. He still really wants me to quit but has agree that he needs to work on being more supportive. He can’t promise he won’t ask me to quit again, especially as things get worse but he will try to be more chill. Also while he’s working from home he said he will do the cleaning, cooking, and laundry so I can basically just go to work and recover so I can stay as healthy as possible. I have agreed to be better about taking vitamins so I can make sure I’m healthy. And we will try to have coronavirus free times so we can get back to our normal in-love selves.

NOTE: The comment section has been converted into a Q&A format because OOP added extra context in the comments.

COMMENTS

What are you most afraid of about continuing to work in the ICU?

Yeah I don’t like the idea of quitting my job either. But I’m also terrified of my job right now. Everyone keeps talking like we are soldiers and how we are fighting the good fight but not all of us will make it out alive. I signed up to be a nurse to save lives and make a difference, not to throw myself into a situation that puts me majorly at risk.

Why does the lack of PPE scare you more than the nature of ICU work itself?

I’m fine with working with massively infectious diseases. I’m fine with extremely sick patients and handling death and dying. What I’m not ok with is a government saying wearing a bandana or scarf when masks run out is good enough. I want to know my hospital and government will keep me safe. But they aren’t. If I felt confident that my PPE wouldn’t run out then I wouldn’t be nearly this scared. But studies have shown hospitals in my city will be at over 200% capacity and hearing we are already running out of PPE is terrifying.

Do you actually want to leave ICU nursing?

That’s exactly it. I love ICU. I can’t see myself doing anything else. Give me a patient that’s on a nimbex drip, proned, maxed on bilevel and nitric oxide, and getting CRRT and I’m stressed but happy. I love dealing with that level of acuity. But that’s not what this is. This is wartime nursing. I’m not scared of acuity. That’s fine for me. I’m scared of running out of supplies and being put in a potential dangerous situation. Same for my boyfriend.

What are your long-term career goals?

Definitely no goals of CRNA. My dream future job is to be an NP in an outpatient wound clinic. I love wounds and burns and I want the autonomy of a provider.

I don’t think I necessarily need ICU experience to do that but I also can’t imagine being a meg surg nurse. I actually have no experience in med surg at all. My preceptorship and internship in school were both ICUs and this is my first job.

Why is your boyfriend so worried about you getting COVID-19?

He’s scared I’ll expose him and he’ll get sick. But also every day he tells me he’s having dreams of me getting sick and being on a vent by myself because no visitors are allowed in the hospital anymore. So combo of the two?

How is the hospital’s situation affecting you personally?

It’s partially him seeing things online. But it’s also seeing me coming home from work exhausted, red lines on my face from my PAPR hood, and me saying “I saw more patient visitors stealing supplies today” or “some of my coworkers are hoarding hoods in their lockers because they are scared of running out” or “the infectious disease nurse told us today that soon we will run out of masks so we have to move to only using one mask a day”.

We both understood the acuity and risk of my job when I started (I started dating him before I started this job). This sounds morbid but I love coding a patient. Pushing epi and doing compressions is fun to me. I’m happiest when I am singled with a sick patient that’s being proned and needs paralyzed and on crazy vent settings. But now it’s not an issue of how sick my patients are. It’s that I feel like I’m in a disaster zone and we are being treated as such. We are running out of supplies and our hospital is basically saying deal with it.

Under what circumstances would you leave your current job?

That’s what I’m planning on doing potentially. My boyfriend and I made a deal after I wrote this post. I will continue to work my job as long as my PPE is available and being replaced readily. The moment PAPRs no longer become available I will ask management to transfer me to another unit where I won’t be exposed because I can’t wear N95s. If they refuse or all the other units have COVID19 patients then I will quit out of concerns for personal safety.

Why would leaving your job make you feel guilty?

I’m actually not worried about getting reemployed. There’s such a nursing shortage and I come with ICU experience and a bachelors degree from one of the best nursing programs in the country. I know I’m valuable and there will always be a job for me. I saw one of my coworkers get fired for unprofessional behavior and got a new ICU job at a neighboring hospital in less than a week. Id be leaving this job out of safety concerns which seems like a much better reason to leave than “unprofessional behavior”. But I am worried about the guilt I’ll feel for leaving.

Do you have any health conditions that could affect your risk?

Not a smoker. Never touched a cigarette, cigar, vape, or any drug for that matter. I do have an autoimmune disorder though. But my doctor said that I’m not particularly immunocompromised.

Have you spoken to anyone else about what you’re going through?

I’ve talked to my family.

I don’t have a ton of friends on my unit. I do good work and am often complimented but I don’t do any out of work activities with them. I don’t drink and unfortunately most post-shift work outings are bar crawls. So I don’t really feel close enough with anyone to discuss this with.

I have my nurse residency cohort where we do “Tales from the bedside” to talk about these things. But it’s cancelled for at least the next two months. So that’s not really an option either.

Final Update - after 2 months, 14 days

^{June 04, 2020}

Update: My (22F) boyfriend (24M) wants me to stop going to work and quit my job

The original post was from awhile ago but I figured I would put up an update.

After I posted the original post I actually scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist and was started on antidepressants. Which was the best thing to ever happen! I stopped having panic attacks and I felt the most like myself I had in a long time.

After my anxiety was reduced with the antidepressants, work became a lot better. I was less fixated on getting sick and the impending running out of supplies and just did my job. Soon PAPR-ing up became an easy, normal part of my day and taking care of Covid-19 patients was as normal to me as any other patient. And even better news, now my unit barely has any covid patients. We are down to an eighth of what we saw at our max (we even had a whole week with no covid patients) and my unit has the only covid patients in house.

Regarding my relationship, he and I talked about what was making him actually nervous. His number one concern was that he was terrified that I was going to get sick. He knew it was selfish but also knew that he wouldn't be able to handle losing me, especially like that. Even the idea of me being in the hospital where he couldn't visit me was terrifying to him. But the underlying more subtle problem was that he had seen me be unhappy at my job for a long time and this was sort of the straw that broke the camel's back for him.

He was able to identify behaviors and mannerisms about myself that I had never seen (such as the fact I would get anxious a whole 24 hours before any shift). After hearing that I was able to be a lot more honest with myself and say I had basically hated my job for awhile. My unit wasn't supportive and would often leave me stranded with crazy busy, even unsafe assignments with no help from coworkers. I was being bullied by older nurses, but I kept telling myself that wasn't true because I assumed they were just waiting for me to prove myself. And the rotating shifts was actually making me sick. I'd often get a really bad cold after flip flopping.

So basically the plan is to eventually quit my job when everything calms down. The current plan is to stay at my job until my boyfriend can find another job in another city (neither of us like where we live and would like a fresh start in a new city). Once we move I will find another job, probably something that is a little calmer and daylight only (so probably not ICU). Overall, my relationship is doing great.

I think when I posted originally we were still a little in the honeymoon phase. Definitely not anymore. We actually almost broke up once after a different issue but we worked really hard to find a compromise and we did. And we both have put in a lot of time, energy, and commitment into saying we will make this relationship a priority and make changes as needed. Honestly, having these discussions have brought us closer together. Oh and we moved in together and adopted a cat. So that's fun too!

TL;DR: Things are a lot calmer after my original post. I am planning on quitting my job eventually in the future once things are calmer. And my boyfriend and I are stronger for having worked through this together.

COMMENTS

7thBlueHaven

Keep your chin up. You are doing amazing work.

My only advice is to make sure you are doing things for YOU and not FOR him. As a couple you work together but you are also an individual and need to make sure you do not become consumed by the idea of a relationship. Know that being so young in the medical field you may not be able to find the ideal job since seniority and experience plays a large part in units and shifts.

Good luck. I am proud of you for seeking help and following through with taking card of yourself.

OOP

Oh I absolutely am changing jobs for me. I love love love ICU but from a lifestyle perspective it’s not a match. And I am ultimately planning on going back to school so I can be an NP and ideally work in outpatient specialty. So I don’t really need any more ICU experience to be qualified for that kind of job.

And I definitely have been working on myself. I’m in therapy and putting in a lot of hard work. Including trying to not do things to meet other people’s expectations and doing things for me. So baby steps but I’m getting there.

[deleted]

I can't imagine how hard it must be to be working in a hospital during a pandemic; you have my sympathy. I'm not at all surprised you needed therapy. :( And thank you for work you do.

OOP

I’ve actually been in therapy for a good portion of my life. I started when I was 14 and have been in and out of therapy since I was 18. Not that family history is destiny but I have a long family history of suicide and no need to be next on that list.

vpv518

Congratulations!

Totally off - topic, but would you mind sharing /pm'ing which anti-depressants ultimately ended up working out for you? My wife has similar episodes due to anxiety and is on her 5th different set of meds trying to find one that doesn't create other issues in the process and, truthfully, is close to giving up on trying to keep going.

OOP

I’ve never been on any psych meds in the past so I was placed on a super low dose of Lexapro. It sucked at first. It made me nauseous and vomit the entire first week but once that passed it was great. I also got trazadone which helped with me sleep because I was having nightmares most nights that were waking me up multiple times a night. Once I started sleeping again I was much more in control. Good luck!

PrincessBella1

I am glad that he was so supportive to help you figure out what was wrong. He is definitely a keeper, You are young and have a long career to look forward to. With being an ICU nurse, have you ever thought of going back to school to become an advance practice nurse, like NP or CRNA? A lot of nurses that I work with, especially in administration, have to go get some type of advanced degree. Since you two are thinking of moving and changing jobs, this may be a good opportunity to further your career.

OOP

The plan has always been NP. I wanted to work for 2 years before going back to school to give me a decent amount of savings before going back. And then when I get my NP I plan to do something outpatient so I can have a better schedule.

sarai_1980

Dont quit. Keep your independence.

OOP

I’m quitting for me. This job is exhausting and stressful. I want to do something a little calmer and definitely not night shift.

idk7643

Make sure to not be on antidepressants forever. You can quickly develop a physical addiction and they have pretty bad long term side effects. My mom's antidepressants for example lead to memory loss and her teeth being absolutely destroyed (apparently it messes with bone densities, so her teeth just break off)

OOP

I’m not really worried about that. I’m on such a low dose it’s actually typically considered sub therapeutic. Also antidepressants aren’t really addicting exactly. You have to taper them but it’s not the same addiction as benzos for instance. Memory loss and osteoporosis are pretty extreme side effects that typically require a pretty high dosage and/or multiple medications. At my dosage and on my medication I’m definitely not worried about that.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/AverageLegal5305

Published on: r/whatdoIdo

Previous BORU: BORU-1

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 26, 2026

• Update 1: August 29, 2026

• Update 2: September 04, 2026

• Update 3: October 05, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

Main Post

^{August 26, 2026}

My (35f) husband (31m) likes us to be watched by his friend (26m). Last night the friend saw me naked outside of sex and my husband freaked out.

Throwaway for very obvious reasons.

Me and my husband have been together for six years. About three years ago he told me he loved the thought us being watched while we have sex.

At first we dirty talked about it then I asked him who he would choose and he said a guy he met at work a few months prior. We then started dirty talking about him watching.

A few weeks later he said he’d spoke to Dylan (the friend) and he wanted to watch. I was a bit taken aback and said “well when?” He said “tonight” I was even more shocked but then just thought fuck it let’s do it. Dylan came round and after a bit of awkward conversation me and my husband started kissing and ended up having sex while he watched and we all enjoyed it.

It then became a regular thing. Every Tuesday he’d come round, watch us have sex, I’d go for a shower and go to bed and they’d stay downstairs and play FIFA. Well last night same thing happened. Then when I got out the shower I remembered my favourite pyjamas were downstairs in the dryer.

I started putting clothes on then thought fuck it and just walked down naked. When I got to the living room where they wed my husband screamed at me to get out and get dressed. I stood my ground and said no I want my pyjamas and he’s just seen me naked for the last hour. My husband said it’s not the same. I said it is.

A day later we still aren’t talking. Do I apologise or stick to my guns?

The comment section has been converted into a Q&A due to the sheer number of replies from OOP. All of OOP’s replies have been kept verbatim.

COMMENTS

Did you and Dylan ever have any physical contact?

I didn’t fuck another man. I’ve never touched another man.

Had your husband ever indicated that he wanted you naked around other people outside of sex?

I did discuss this. I have messages from him saying “I wish you was always naked at home even when my friends come round or you answer the door to a deliveryman or if we have builders round”

Had you ever stayed downstairs naked with your husband and Dylan after they finished?

But there have been times where he’s asked me to stay and chat with them afterwards before. One time I stayed down for over an hour and even made us all a cup of tea naked.

How did your husband react when you came downstairs naked?

He wasn’t having a conversation. He screamed at me to cover up. He screamed that loud his friend jumped and dropped the PlayStation controller. That is not a conversation.

How close were you to Dylan when you walked downstairs?

Nowhere near he had his back to me and wouldn’t have seen me if my husband didn’t shout and make him look.

Is Dylan your husband’s best friend?

He’s not his best friend just a guy he works with. They never hang out apart from this.

Does your husband get naked during these encounters?

My husband rarely gets naked during these times.

Does Dylan ever masturbate while watching?

Sometimes he did sometimes he didn’t. To be honest I’d be so wrapped up in the moment I’d forget he was even there.

Are you interested in having a threesome with Dylan?

It’s not. I don’t mind being seen but I don’t want to be touched.

Why did your husband choose Dylan rather than a stranger?

I said I didn’t want someone inside our immediate circle. When he did it with his ex they used to find strangers to watch them.

Why do you think your husband reacted differently this time?

That’s a good point. I was thinking there’s been a few times where I’ve sat downstairs with them for half an hour or so afterwards fully nude chatting and he hasn’t minded but them times he asked me to stay. I think you’re right it’s because he didn’t control when I was nude.

Are you planning to continue having Dylan watch you?

I’m not doing it anymore. He’s ruined it for ne.

Update 1 - after 3 days

^{August 29, 2026}

UPDATE My (35f) husband (31m) likes us to be watched by his friend (26m). Last night the friend saw me naked outside of sex and my husband freaked out.

Thank you for all your replies on my first post. I had a few people asking about our previously discussed boundaries so here they are:

No friends from immediate friend group

Whoever’s watching isn’t allowed to touch me

No phones out during

If either of us say stop we stop and that’s it no arguing

I don’t mind dirty or demeaning talk from my husband but whoever’s watching isn’t allowed to

Whoever watches isn’t allowed my number or my socials, I want no interaction with them outside the nights they come round

Now to address a couple of other things. I have been naked around them both after sex before, sometimes I’d stay downstairs with them while they play fifa for an hour or so and I’ll sit and have a cup of tea with them completely naked and another time I forgot about we went out to pick up some food after and I was sat in the back of the car completely naked as a dare on the way there. Also when we had been sexting he’s said before he wants me naked all the time even when people come round and answering the door to delivery men etc

Another is when I walked down stairs naked on Tuesday night the friend was on the sofa with his back to the door and was too focused on the game to even turn around so he wouldn’t have seen me as I walked behind him and in to the kitchen and then through to the utility and I’d have been dressed walking back through. I’d have been through the room in 3 seconds instead I was stood there naked arguing for five minutes because my husband started screaming at me.

I also don’t think they are gay or i interrupted anything. My husband knows that’s a fantasy of mine and I don’t think he’d hide it.

Now on to the update. It’s not a very good one I’m afraid. I said how my husband just kept saying it’s different but couldn’t explain why it annoyed him so much. He stuck to that stance again last night when I said I wanted us to sit and have a proper chat.

I then told him as he can’t give me an answer and we can’t resolve this I no longer want to do this and the Tuesday games are over. He then tried to turn it on me a bit and said “I’ve wanted to stop for weeks but I know you enjoy it too much” I got a bit mad then and said “don’t say that, this is your fantasy I do this for you and I even ask you every Tuesday if you are sure you still want to do this and you say yes”. Every Tuesday I confirm it’s happening and then confirm he’s still comfortable with me being seen naked.

He called me childish for stopping “something we both love” and said he’ll just find someone else to do it in front of. I said no Dylan’s not the problem you are and this isn’t happening ever again. He stormed out the house at that and called me pathetic and then came back in about 3am this morning and it’s now 8am and he’s asleep in the spare room.

Sorry it’s an unsatisfactory update.

COMMENTS

NorthernRealmJackal

Yeah I remember the original thread alright. Is communication always this bad, or is this a unique thing? If you're usually good at communicating about sex and kinks, but this particular one is just a mess, then there's some underlying issue with your husband - maybe it's his self-esteem, a lack of respect for you, or maybe he hasn't been honest about his feelings for one reason or another.

In either case, it sounds like a trip to a sexologist/couple's therapy is in place. There's clearly some breakdown in communication that you can't resolve yourself.

Also, for what it's worth, your husband sounds too immature to explore such volatile kinks, and you're probably right to put an end to it until he learns to communicate better.

OOP

We normally communicate really well and even before this we sat and talked for hours, watched videos, went on forums etc. It just feels like he’s got mad about something and now he’s doubling down and I don’t play those games. We are adults. If you are wrong apologise and admit you overreacted. I’ve done it before.

Accomplished-Pay7386

So basically there are boundaries he has that he hasn’t explicitly added to the list. Sounds like it’s: don’t be naked in front of the observer before we start having sex. It sounds like afterward it’s fine. You had a disagreement that escalated the conflict. I don’t know how much this person means to you, but I would probably re-negotiate the boundaries and call it a day. Who knows why he wants it this way? It’s probably part of some fantasy that he is very specific about…

OOP

He’s had plenty of time before we did this to talk about boundaries. We spoke about it for hours multiple times before starting this kink. He’s had his chance and he’s blown it. It’s never happening again.

rocketmn69_

You both broke your first boundary...no one from immediate friend group. Your husband finally got jealous.

You guys need to talk it out calmly

OOP

We’ve never hung out outside of this arrangement. I don’t even know his surname.

RepulsiveFinding9419

When you’re a married person and you can make a comment like this, about someone who has seen you naked multiple times, it may be time to reflect to understand where everything in life went so wrong.

OOP

I go on four holidays a year where I sunbathe topless or naked. Thousands of people have seen me it’s normal here.

OOP to a long comment

He’s not allowed to scream “get back upstairs you fucking slag” at me and not apologise though.

Update 2 - after 9 days (after 6 days from last post)

^{September 04, 2026}

UPDATE 2 My (35f) husband (31m) likes us to be watched by his friend (26m). Last night the friend saw me naked outside of sex and my husband freaked out.

A quick little update to the update. Tuesday morning I left for work and when I got there I’d received a message from my husband “are we really not doing tonight?” I replied saying “no we aren’t, not tonight or any other night, it’s done”. He didn’t reply all day then that night he again asked about 7pm if i was sure. I said yes I’m sure it’s never happening again.

Wednesday night he asked if we could have sex. I said no I’m not in the mood and he started complaining that we haven’t had it for over a week and this is the longest ever. I said “I know but since last Tuesday my sex drive has completely tanked. I’ve been looking in to sex counsellors we could go to and try and get past this.” He didn’t say no but he didn’t say yes either.

It really has put me off sex. I normally need it every couple of days but now as soon as I get a slight urge I just picture him stood there shouting “get back up them stairs you fucking slag” and pointing at the door and it just ruins it. The night before this happened we had a real marathon sex session where we discussed all sorts and having sex on webcam for people to watch and even sex clubs and on that Tuesday day time I’d been emailing sex and swingers clubs asking if they had facilities for that and I even ordered masks off amazon to wear on webcam.

Now it’s all gone. He’s still not sure about seeing a sex counsellor but I’ve booked some sessions with one for myself for the next five Sundays. See how they go. I’ll imagine though that if they don’t work pretty quickly my husband will leave me anyway and the way I feel about him at the moment I don’t even think I’d care that much.

COMMENTS

Had your husband ever called you a “slag” during sex before, and was this different? Have you told your husband how much his words hurt you?

Yeah he’s called me a slag during sex before but this was different. It was venomous

Yes. I’d told him.

Do you feel betrayed by what happened?

I really do feel betrayed. I feel like I’ve been cheated on.

What do you think was behind your husband’s reaction to you being naked?

I think that’s what it is. He wants to choose when I’m seen naked. The irony of it is if he didn’t shout and scream his friend wouldn’t have even seen me as he had his back to me

What was Dylan doing when he watched you and your husband have sex?

He sat and watched. A couple of times he played with himself. Afterwards he would always acknowledge it by complimenting me on how good I look or how fun the sex looked. On the nights when I sat with them naked he’d always tell my husband how lucky he is and my husband would always take it positively. I remember one night I stayed with them until

Dylan left and my husband said “give him a little wiggle before he goes” so I did.

Was your husband the dominant one when you were with his friend?

He was definitely dominant. I’m not going to say here some of the things we did in front of his friend but it was definitely him in charge.

Had you ever been involved in this kind of arrangement before your current marriage?

Before this marriage I had four years of having regular sexual with my friend and her husband and we never ran in to a problem and are still great friends today, I’ve been to Venice with her this summer.

Don’t blame the sex blame the participants.

Had you and your husband explored being seen naked by other people outside this situation?

Yeah I’ve been sunbathing topless or nude on holiday for years. Last year we went to a log cabin which had a hot tub in the back garden. The cabin next door had a group of men staying there and my husband would often dare me to walk across the garden to the got tub naked and get in. The gardens were split by a foot high picket fence so they could easily see me if they’re in the back room or in the back garden. One night they were having a bbq in the garden as I walked past and I ended up standing talking to them for about 20 minutes completely naked lol.

How did your husband originally bring up the idea of having someone watch you?

I have no idea about that. He just came to me one day and said he’s got someone who wants to watch.

What do you and your husband have in common outside of sex?

We both love maths and puzzles, hiking, films, camping, seeing new countries

Had your husband done anything to repair things or apologize?

I have tried. He just keeps saying he doesn’t know why he spoke to me like that. He’s not even apologised.

What happened when your husband asked for sex again after the incident?

No apologies nothing. He’s asked for sex again this morning and I said no. That’s all he’s bothered about.

What did you do about the videos you and your husband had made over the years?

We’ve made hours and hours of videos over the years. He got videos of me and another woman, videos of me nude in public, loads of sex tapes of us. It’s worrying now.

Are you planning to continue this kind of sexual activity if you stay together?

We are definitely never doing anything like this again if we stay together.

NEW UPDATE

Update 3 - after 1 month 10 days (after 1 month from last post)

^{October 05, 2026}

UPDATE 3 My (35f) husband (31m) likes us to be watched by his friend (26m). Last night the friend saw me naked outside of sex and my husband freaked out.

We broke up.

I started seeing my sex therapist and I spoke to my husband and said I’m willing to start having sex again slowly, no games, no belittling, nothing rough, just “normal” sex until I’ve got my confidence back after the name calling.

He said no he wants it back to how it was, nearly every night, Tuesday club back, and he’s not changing how he has sex. I said I can’t do that. So he said fine and left and that was two weeks ago and I’ve not heard from him since.

COMMENTS

CMoney87

Your husband cares more about dominating/controlling you & your marriage than he actually cares about you. It's not going to be an easy situation to deal with, unwinding a marriage involves a whole lot, but you have no choice at this point. In the end I'd say it's good riddance and start separating your finances + joint responsibilities now, before he does it 1st and leaves you with nothing.

OOP

Thank you. To be honest we’ve always had separate finances and the house was mine before him.

Jumpy-Jello-

I'm sorry you're going through this, but your ex is an asshole and it does seem like he was cheating from all the deflection. You say you've never been mistreated, but I suspect after some more distance from him you'll start to realise he didn't treat you well.

OOP

The last few days I’ve been suspecting he may have been cheating.

ThrowRA_TBH1C

It's kind of sad to see a marriage end over something that stupid (on your husband's part). Other than that, did you two have a good marriage?

OOP

Yeah I thought we did until this happened. Both on the same page about a lot of stuff and enjoyed the same hobbies and never really argued.

realgoodmind

Hope you find someone that appreciates you and doesn't need to share you, if you want that :)

OOP

I don’t mind being shared. It’s being respected I care more about.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/throwra_notinvite posting in r/AmItheAsshole

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 22nd December 2022

Update - 29th December 2022

AITA for not inviting them to my Christmas party after they didn't invite me to their wedding?

I throw a pretty big Christmas party every year going on a decade now. A few years ago at one I threw my friend Tara met my former co-worker Tony and they hit it off. They dated for a while, and two years later, once again at my Christmas party, she showed up with a ring on her finger and they announced for the first time that they were engaged. I was super happy for them.

They got married this spring. We didn't get invited.

When I was sending around my party invitations this year, I didn't see any reason to invite them back if they didn't think I wasn't worthy of making their guest list. I have known them both for years, basically introduced them, and they literally announced their engagement at my home.

It got back to me today that they're very upset with us for not inviting them this year, that my party is something they consider special and they think I'm being petty. A couple friends mentioned it was a smaller wedding and they feel like I'm just punishing them.

It wasn't though. There were probably 200 people there and I knew at least 50 of them, and I was a little surprised at some of the names that made the cut over us. I didn't make a stink about it or anything, but I don't see why I should welcome them into my home again after being snubbed like that.

My partner thinks I should just let it go and invite them back, but I don't see a reason why I should.

AITA?

Comments

Nickit92

NTA - you can invite and not invite whoever you want without any reason. And if they want one: it is a smaller party this year

HodoEnFuego

100% this. If the event was so special to them than they would associate it with you as well as a special friend and would have invited you

Piffli

It also feels so tacky to steal OP's christmas party to announce their engagement like that. If they asked OP beforehand then it would be different, but just showing up with the rings on...

[deleted]

Right? They got a snazzy engagement party that had bartenders and was catered, for free. It's gross that they're more upset that they're missing the party, and not that they hurt OP, even if wasn't their intention.

Due_Pomegranate_9286

They're pregnant and were planning to use OPs party this year to announce the baby. I'm joking but, I wouldn't be surprised honestly.

[deleted]

Honestly, I'd be more surprised if this wasn't their plan. I would have started billing them for using my house as a venue for their announcements if they kept it up. If they're gonna hijack a party they can at least pay for it.

The-Clumsy-Pirate

NTA - if they can't even invite the person, who introduced them, to their wedding then I don't think they should expect an invitation to your Christmas party. If you're not close enough to make it to the wedding invite list, why should they be close enough to you to make it to your Christmas party?

cheerful_cynic

And who catered and hosted their engagement announcement party

OOP: Haha you don't know the half of it, over the last few years we have literally had it catered, had bartenders inside and outside, even hired someone to entertain kids earlier in the night.

My partner and I put so much time, energy and money into this every year because we love our friends. It started out small when we were younger and now it's this big thing. I just don't like being taken for granted.

bransanon

Yeah this is all making a lot more sense now. You go out of your way every year to throw this huge party for everyone and now they're upset they're the only ones that are missing out. Not like they cared when all of your friends went to their wedding and YOU were the only ones missing out. Screw these people, you don't owe them anything.

OOP: Yeah I guess that about sums it up. Thank you.

**Judgement - NTA*\*

Update - 7 days later

Dang y'all, I never expected my post would blow up the way it did! Since I got so many requests to check back in, here's the update:

I stuck to my guns and did not invite them to my Christmas party. My partner stood by me when I told him I had made my decision and didn't bring it up again, neither did our friends.

Many of you guessed that they would try and crash our party, I got worried that could happen after all the responses but thankfully it didn't. Probably 100+ of you guessed she wanted to hijack the party to announce she was pregnant - if that's the case, they haven't told anyone as far as I know.

They did, however, decide to try and throw their own party at the same time as ours. Several friends told us they were trying to convince them to come to theirs instead. I honestly hope they had some guests and had a great time, I wish them no ill will, but I think just about everyone we expected came to our party so I doubt they poached any guests from us.

They made enough of a last minute fuss over this that the whole thing became the gossip of our party (their doing, not mine). I chose to not engage in it but the consensus I heard was everyone thought it was bizarre they chose not to invite us to their wedding and that them complaining about not being invited to our party was in poor taste.

Most common question on reddit was why did we not get an invite to their wedding - from what I can tell from people at our party gossiping about the situation, they've said it was because we're a little bit older then they are? I think that's weird since my partner and I are both 35, they're 28/29 so it's not like we're very far apart. Tara used to hang out with us at least once a week when she was single and I literally introduced them, the whole thing still seems strange to me but I guess it is what it is?

So yeah, that's how it all went down. Our party was a blast, we got to see so many friends some of which we haven't really seen since before COVID. Everyone had a great time, people literally brought toddlers we hadn't gotten to meet yet because of how crazy the world has been over the last couple of years. It was a wonderful evening. I hope y'all had as good of a Christmas as we did!

Comments

ed_lv

Props to you for standing by your initial decision. They absolutely didn't deserve to be invited to your party, and I am very glad you ended up having a great time.*

the_rabble_alliance

They absolutely didn't deserve to be invited to your party Also glad to read the friends/guests of OP agreed that the couple were acting in poor taste. If I were at the Christmas party, I would have tagged the absent couple in some fun party photos on Instagram to remind them of what they missed out on due to their boorish behavior.

The__Riker__Maneuver

Yeah it has nothing to do with your age You and your spouse throw this big party. People enjoy your hospitality and appreciate you. If you came to their wedding, you would have taken attention away from the bride. People would have talked about your parties, they would have socialized with you and at the end of the day, the bride and groom were not mature enough to deal with that

Creepy_Addict

This could very well be the reason. But some people are just users and not actually your friends.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/lepetitbrie posting in r/managers

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Medium

Original - 26th September 2026

Update - 3rd October 2026

Update - 9th October 2026

My direct report is married to my new manager

I've worked in my role for just under 5 years. I have stellar evaluations from my previous supervisor, and I know I am performing well beyond my job description. I've supervised the same 2 people the entire time. Both are good performers on the whole. Due to a reorg, the workload on my direct reports recently increased, and I've been really working with Barbara (fake name) to address her workload concerns; my other staff person has no concerns and actually reports free time. They have the same assignments, so I feel most of the workload concerns are related to work-style. No matter how much I try to take from Barbara, she still wants to do those tasks.

About a month ago, Barbara's husband was named as my new supervisor. Technically, my supervisor is another person, but the husband is directing my daily work. I only go to the third person for HR actions for my team. But questions like, "How does this reassignment of work?" will still go through the husband. I also learned the husband is writing my performance evaluation, and the third person will just "review it for bias."

I know Barbara thinks I'm lazy based on conversations I've overheard. I don't feel like the need to justify my work to my staff; I know what I'm working on. I also know Barbara disagrees with many of my leadership decisions (ex: how much to communicate to stakeholders and when). I just don't see how this is going to end well for me...

How badly do you think I need to get out? Should I prioritize any position that remotely matches my pay? Or wait it out for something I'm actually excited about?

Just edited to add: I've brought up the concern to HR. There is a vague policy about this since it's not a direct supervision of a spouse and was essentially told it's fine because of the third person who is supervising me.

Comments

SnooWalruses1075

You don't need to jump at the first job that matches your pay. But you do need to act now, because the structure itself is the problem, not you.

Your report's spouse directing your work and writing your evaluation is a conflict of interest. Most organizations have a policy on relatives in the same reporting line, and this is exactly what it's for. That's worth raising, calmly and without making it about Barbara or her husband personally.

What I'd do, in this order:

Read your org's policy on relatives or conflicts of interest so you know what it actually says.

Talk to your official supervisor, the third person. Keep it about process: "I want to make sure my evaluation and any decisions about Barbara's work are handled in a way that protects everyone, including her and her husband. Can you write my evaluation, or can we route decisions about my team through you?" If that goes nowhere, take the same question to HR.

Start keeping records now. Your past evaluations, what you've delivered, the workload you assigned to each report, and the steps you took on Barbara's concerns. Dates and facts, not feelings. If your evaluation comes back bad, you'll want this.

Keep managing Barbara exactly like your other report. Same assignments, same standards, written down. Don't give anyone a real example to point to.

Look for jobs quietly while this plays out. It costs nothing, and it means you won't be desperate if things get worse.

How the org responds to step 2 tells you a lot. If they fix the reporting line, you may be fine. If they shrug, that's your answer about whether to wait for a job you're excited about or take the next solid one.

sober_disposition

Let’s just be clear that this is also a conflict of interest for OP. How can they be expected to treat their direct reports impartially when one of them is married to their direct manager? This is a powder keg situation.

Update - 7 days later

Brief update to my post from last week. Folks were asking about my company. Very large public employer, so at the very least I'm basically unfireable.

Raised concerns to my on-paper boss, who is also our department HR representative. I even drafted a "avoiding conflict of interest document". The document was mostly accepted except the line: [new manager] will not consider [direct report]'s opinion of OP when writing evaluations." Apparently, we can't dictate to that level?!

I was concerned that this was removed because it's the only protection for me. Raised concern and said I would like to meet with central HR. Was essentially told that's not necessary and to work with my on-paper boss to sort it out.

So, needless to say, I'm applying elsewhere and hoping for the best. There haven't been any conflicts at work, but that doesn't mean there will never be conflicts. The fact that no one is worried about this situation is beyond alarming to me. I want protections in place before there's an issue, but it seems clear no one else wants that for me.

I have a private meeting with central HR next week to discuss concerns in the meantime. Im curious what their reaction to the entire situation will be. The fact that I'm having to draft my own conflict of interest documents is wild IMO, including documenting how I will be evaluated.

Any guidance on what I should do in the mean time is appreciated. I originally planned on having a coaching session with my direct report next week to work on some communication issues, but without the protections for me in place, I feel like it's a risky conversation to have.

Comments

Infamous_Fig_651

e, no amount of internal promises will stop a married couple from backing each other up when things get messy.

Robbylution

Anyone who’s played poker with a married couple knows this. They could swear up and down that they won’t cooperate, and they probably don’t with most activites, but the second money’s on the line they can’t help themselves and it’s Team Them. I’ve seen it multiple times.

Update - 6 days later

Mostly boring update: I got a new job! It's a little bit of a pay cut, but I think the mental health aspect will be worth it.

Between my last post and the job offer, I tried to manage the situation in my current job. Everything really seemed to blow up in my face this week, so the job offer couldn't be better timed.

My direct report has been expressing workload concerns. I scheduled a meeting to talk about her handing over some tasks. She wrote back essentially saying, "I want a separate meeting to talk about any corrections." IMO, I have every management right to set meeting agendas. Looped in my on-paper boss asking her to sit in as a neutral third party (and to see what I was dealing with and why I was worried about the current reporting structure...). My on-paper boss basically said, "Yeah, I'm not getting involved. Deal with it, or you'll run to me for every problem." Keep in mind I've managed this person for YEARS and never asked for intervention before.

Meeting was mostly fine, except my direct report kept saying she wanted a separate meeting to discuss her concerns with my "increased corrective feedback since [husband] started his position."

I seriously went through every email I sent this person since that happened. The only corrections I gave were all, "Please hand off to me." Which... I would love if someone sent to me lol

Literally got the job offer during that meeting with my direct report and accepted. Sent in my notice, and my on-paper boss was full surprised Pikachu. Because she asked for clarification on why I resigned, I sent a brief note to the effect of "I don't think this supervision structure is feasible. I expressed concerns that were ignored. I lost faith in the process when my request for us to all meet with HR to discuss options was denied."

My on-paper boss replied with, "Well, I hope in your new role that has more HR responsibility, you learn that how I handled this was appropriate."

So, yeah, excited to have a new job in two weeks! I really didn't things would work out this quickly, and I kinda wish I held out for a position that was a pay increase... but also, fuck all that mess lol

Comments

Pip-Pipes

What a snarky response from your on paper boss. Seems like you made a good move and now someone else can deal with that structure.

andylibrande

Definitely smartest person in the room type boss.

Bacch

What an absolute clusterfuck. Unreal to me that your on paper boss refused to sit in unless she had some reason to fear getting involved, which if she's on an equal level to DR's husband shouldn't be an issue. I can't imagine denying a request like that. Nor can I imagine letting any employee under me wind up in your position. I'd have fought tooth and nail against it and taken it to the highest level. I'd have dragged HR in and been a thorn in their side until they did something.

Then again, I've never worked a government job, though I worked in DC for a while. Government jobs are a different animal entirely. Hilarious to me that the very government that enforces all of our labor laws and policies and sets the example is actually one of the worst examples of how employees are handled, both in terms of the protections they should have (like in this case) and the ones that they probably shouldn't have or should be weaker (the unfireable bit).

catforbrains

Government worker here. The family hires and nepotism hires and "this person's family knows people who know people" hires are ridiculous. It's funny because occasionally it DOES help when we're trying to fill a position no one wants. At one spot I worked every office clerk was from the same Indian church and it was great because the pay was so bad no one else would take the jobs but we never had a problem filling a position. Someone would just call in the next Auntie or uncle who needed health insurance.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

OOP: wickeddreamsofleavin

Originally Posted to: AITApod

Status: Ongoing

Trigger Warnings: Bridezilla, #jemily

Mood Spoiler: OOP IS RUINING #JEMILY'S LOVE!

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Main Post: April 22, 2026

First Update: April 25, 2026

Second Update: October 10, 2026

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AITA if I tell my friend I can’t be a bridesmaid? - April 22, 2026

We’re both 23F. I get her heart is in a good place and I said yes initially bc we’ve been friends basically our whole lives, but we haven’t been that close recently. I was roped into planning this “Engagement Party Planning Picnic” and there just seems to be a lot of extremely detail-oriented tasks that I’ve never even heard of. We met on zoom 4 times just for this.

The wedding isn’t till next year but I’m worried I’m signing up for way more than I will be able to handle. I’m about to be in med school, i have a young niece and newborn nephew, work full time till school starts, and have a lot going on between me and my bf’s family.

But they just got engaged so I’m also thinking this is just a lot of early energy that will be burned through??

Does anyone have a similar experience? Does detail oriented necessarily lead to bridezilla? I guess I’m on the fence but also freaked out. AITA?

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The post contains four photos.

Photo one: image of a handwritten note that reads

As you know, you are one of my best friends. I love you so much. I humbly invite you to join me on the Journey of the Bridesmaids. It will be euphoric, magical, challenging and... life changing. This will be a huge opportunity for everyone involved. Won't you join us? I know you won't make this difficult. ❤️

Love, Emily.

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Photo two: a picnic in a park. There is a sign that reads 'Welcome to the engagement party planning picnic'. There are several trays of fruit, some balloons, and flower bouquets.

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Photo three: a photo of a laminated page that reads

Engagement Guide Jemily Jacob + Emily

[Editor's Note: The next line is the color pallet and their numbers. I won't include the numbers cause even at full zoom I can't make them out]

Feminine Power, Rosé Whisper, Kayak Rapids Blue, Tranquil Sky, Neue Terra, Innocent Pearl

[a picture of a diamond] 3.20 cb [Editor's Note: people in the update post pointed out this is how many carats are in Emily's engagement ring]

Dos: use #jemily (all media), The Jemily Wedding, Use fonts Coolvetica & Cute Frog

Don'ts: 'Jamily' or 'Emcob', Jemily's Wedding, Engage with or write unsanctioned variations

[A circle with a line through it containing the text] Ab*gail We are not speaking Do not mention her

Reveal Timeline: Remember let me post first aka Emily Posts Initial Content (EPIC)

Tease: An air of mystery "something's coming." "IYKYK" "Love is in the air" Do not use #jemily 4/2/26 9AM PST

Launch: Tell. Everyone. "I'm so excited!" "Small but mighty" "After events for non-invitees" #jemily 4/22/26 9AM PST

Wedding: The Jemily Wedding Saturday Evening This date permitted the best guest experience Do not use "9/11", Sep 11 Weekend of Fri, Sep 10, 2027 5:30PM EST

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Photo four: a woman in a pink hat with a 'team girl' band on it, wearing a pink sash that seems to be saying 'Bride' or some variation therefore. There is a binder by her knees that says 'Jamily The Book of Everything' and she is holding a laminated sheet that reads

Jemily Jacob + Emily

Today's Agenda

5:30 pm - Mingle; Review save the date samples; Review photog samples (BoE)

5:45pm - Engagement Party Brainstorm

6:00pm - Bridal shower brainstorm; text URLs to Amanada

6:20pm - Bachelorette party brainstorm & committee formation; How far are we willing to go?

6:45pm - Attire moodboarding; Thinking Pinterest but open to suggestions; Dusk/Golden hour photoshoot

7:00pm - Brainstorm thank you gifts for bridal party

[time covered by arm] - Schedule Wedding planning dinner

[time covered by arm] - Clean up

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COMMENTS

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Carrotstick21

I'm exhausted just looking at these photos. Respectfully decline and move on with your life.

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JupiterJayJones

I wanna know what happened with Ab*gale!

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Much-Willingness-648

[they've posted a close up of a couple in the background of the second photo. It looks like the couple are engaged in an argument]

Is this the bride yelling at the groom in the background? Please tell me it is.

[Editor's note: the OOP has not confirmed if it's the bride, but based on the woman's outfit, the hat and the sash, people are assuming it is, comparing her to the woman in photo four]

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mixprotocol

There's honestly no way that this post doesn't become the prime result for searches for #jemily and similar terms. As soon as the female portion of #jemily finds out, I think OP won't have to worry about being a bridesmaid.

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AITA if I tell my friend I can’t be a bridesmaid? (update) - April 25, 2026, three days from Main Post

Thanks for all the comments everyone. I had no idea that the post would take off like that i read as many as I could. I just wanted to update you that the day I made the post, Emily blocked me on everything and tbh, I figured that might happen. LIke I said before, we were close but it wasn’t recently (middle school) and this kidn of felt like being roped into something.

I was fine w it and then came home to flowers and a note today. I wasn’t that freaked out bc I know a lot of oyu said she was threatening but she’s not going to actually do anything besides run a smear campaign. Her folks also own a couple of restaurants locally which I would think I am banned from but won’t go and find out.

The reason I’m not freaked out bc Abigail also sent me a DM and we ended up talking on the phone. She said it’s a lot more complicated what happened with her. But she was reassuring that she didn’t think Emily would actually do anything besides bad mouth me a lot. She said she might share her side of the story soon but was also considering letting sleeping dogs lie.

That’s the update. I’m just happy to be out of this and I feel supported by everyone. Thanks for understanding.

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The post contains three photos.

Photo one: a handwritten note that reads

I can't believe you would post what you did and embarrass me with your toxic lies. Never speak to me or anyone again. And just FYI as unhinged and rude as you are, you can't take away from #jemily's ❤️ potential. Don't be nervous...

Love, always, Emily

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Photo two: the front door of an apartment with a bouquet of flowers and the note in it at the foot of the door

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Photo three: the note on a table with the flowers and a booklet that has the title 'you're never getting rid of me'

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COMMENTS

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Gloomy_Nerve2871

Emily, when you see this, just know your wedding looks like a tacky low-budget 2000s gender swapping rom com and if you’re going to be a classless mean girl, you should at least learn to back it up with taste

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IJustMadeBananaBread

Does this mean you get added to the DO NOT MENTION portion of the laminated instructions??? Fun!

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mixprotocol

Called it.

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Editor's Note: someone made an r/JemilyWedding sub to host these posts and other wedding shaming behaviour

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AITA for briefly leaving the engagement party? - October 10, 2026, 6 months from last update/main post

Note: Another one of Emily’s (probably ex) bridesmaids asked me to post. Pics aren’t from her. And sorry about all the markings her face was everywhere (original post, update).

I (23f) showed up to Emily’s engagement party with my +1 we’ll call Kyle. There’s a door guy, and he says to wait bc Emily wants a word. After making us wait OVER 20 MINUTES, Emily comes out and says she knows Kyle is related to “the A name” (Abigail) and that he liked her post.

Kyle says he doesn’t use ig and that that Abigail’s post was proabbyl old. She reminded him not to use the name. 

She said to delete the comment before entering and kept saying “she has feelings too.” He asked for the wifi and Emily said it’s only for admitted guests and walked off. 

We tried to do it w/o the app but Kyle got annoyed after it didn’t work and said he was done. I felt bad and figured it’d be best to get my car, i also didn’t want to just leave him to ride back alone. I was gone maybe 30 mins.

I had ad rink and then she cornered me about the post. I told her I came back right after we got to his place so i didn’t know. She said I was contaminating the party. I apologized and then her mom joined the convo and said this was all very inappropriate, kinda shouting in my face. 

Then her mom went outside and Emily looked like she was going to cry.  I went to get another drink and then one of her pageant friends came up to me saying something about how tired i looked. ANd it was just obvious i should go. 

And yes i was 10 mins late, but it’s a 4 hour party. And she’s right technically i couldv’e stayed but i just didn’t want to be forced to ask for a ride. I’m honestly just kinda relieved to be done idk if tha tmakes me a worse person.

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Post contains six images

Photo one: a handwritten note that reads

Dear [blanked name],

Thank you for attending my party last night. Unfortunately, your behaviour just isn't up to the standards needed. This includes but is NOT limited to: [blanked name] associating with the A name... your lateness, your overall attitude, and your attire. You ABANDONED me on my night.

I'm still shocked you'd show up late especially after your past participation in EVERYTHING ELSE. Well, you're welcome, you won't need to show up AT ALL any more. You no longer have permission to harm my community or my peace. Tell [blanked name] the same goes for him. Good luck with your 'future'...

Love, Emily.

[Editor's note: words capitalised here are underlined in the original note, with the bold text underlined three times]

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Photo two: a woman holding a laminated sheet. Behind her is a banner with an image of [I assume] the bridal couple. In front of the banner stands a woman, beside her is a man down on one knee holding a comically large silver engagement ring. The laminated sheet reads

Jemily Engagement Party (JEP)

JEP GUIDE

The Jemily Wedding

Wedding [detailed information of the date, time and location of the wedding I'm not comfortable writing out as I don't want to dox]

Schedule [print is small so difficult to make out; it lists events starting on the Wednesday of the week of the wedding]

[image of a diamond] 3.20 cb

Dos: Jemily trivia (see back), Explore the 'Which Emily Are You?' Hallway, Enjoy reasonable portions

Don'ts: No small talk, No gossip or rumors, Don't monopolize Emily or Jacob

[A circle with a line through it containing the text] Ab*gail Mar*a Do not mention them to anyone at any time

JEP Cupcake Extinguishing Guide

"Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected"

[Image of a cupcake with a candle in it and an arrow directing people to turn it] Rotate candles to rearmost perimeter

[Image of a person with closed eyes and a hand on their chest] Take a deep breath

[Image of a face in profile with an arrow pointing towards the lips] Pucker your lips

[Image of the profile face blowing out the cupcake candle] Aim airstream parallel to cupcake's top

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Photo three: various people standing around the space, their faces covered/blurred, and a poster board that reads

GoFundMe

Get Jacob His Dream Body

Hey everyone, it's me, Jacob!

While this wedding is mostly about Emily (and it is her night!) I have always wanted to be taller. I used to play basketball and other sports and I found myself often thinking it would be better if I was taller because I was never able to be MVP.

Not really too much to explain, since we all know height is extremely attractive and makes everyone around you look and feel better.

So, I've finally mustered the courage to ask everyone to help me live my true height.

So many of you have asked me how you can support me and this is how. This will make Emily very happy and bring us so much joy as a couple.

We have done the research and it will take 2 separate procedures, each adding about 3 inches. Imagine that height difference in our wedding photos, it will be very flattering! The total all-in cost is $120,000 but every contribution helps!

In order to be able to walk for the wedding, we must move quickly so I will be abstaining from a bachelor party for financial and recovery reasons. Thank you for choosing kindness.

[there is a screenshot of where the GoFundMe currents sits, with a dial saying 18%, $21,600 raised, 23 donations, underneath is the text '$500 suggested donation]

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Photo four: a close up photo of an opened brochure

First Panel

Fostering the Magic

A bachelorette experience unlike any other. The Journey of the Bridesmaids begins...

Mandatory Regimentation

Fitness: Wednesday zoom yoga - 7AM, 3x weekly strength training (MWF, 6PM), [covered by finger] weekly HIIT (TuTH 6PM), [covered by finger] sick days; 5 remote days per person

Nutrition

A dietician will prescribe your diet, Starts tomorrow, Deviations will be penalized by HIIT instructor

Dance & Runway classes

Two concurrent 12-week courses to get us into top form for the big night (Tuesdays and Thursdays, 7:30pm to 9pm)

Second Panel

Tiers

Lifelong

May our friendship last as long as Jemily. I look forward to being a member of your bridal party and growing old together. You will never miss my birthday. Boundless.

College

My fellow educated women, may our blossoming continue. You are happy contributors to large gatherings, and some exclusive ones too.

High School

Our history is beauteous. I hope we can enjoy occasional rendezvous and meaningful excursions. You will be welcome when the time is right.

Wedding Community

For all others, may out destinies continue to intertwine.

Third Panel

Accomos

Friday April 23 - Sunday May 2, 2027

Lifelong tier bachelorettes will luxuriate for 9 blissful nights at [Editor blanking location] in enchanting Ensenada, where Pacific views, golden sunsets, and effortless glamorous accommodations await.

Vibes

Phone-free No external communication will be allowed for the 9-day duration of the trip

Dress Code No white clothing is permitted by anyone but Emily

The Day of Silence On Friday, only Emily will speak.

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Photo five: people sitting at a long table, eating and drinking, faces blurred/blanked

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Photo six: A table containing a sign that reads

Do not post.

Posting unsanctioned photos of any Jemily events will result in maximum criminal prosecution & civil action. We will find you. You will be punished.

the table also includes another laminated sheet which reads

Children at Jemily

A limited number of children will be permitted. Speak to Emily's mother to move the process forward.

Requirements: fourth grade and up, B average, two documented extracurriculars, perfect disciplinary and criminal record

Packet: 6 headshots (3 head-on, 3 profile), attire in Jemily aesthetic, 1m video of pageant-style runway walk, display fronts and backs of hands, 10 minute unedited video showcasing child's ability to sit silently

Interview & Roleplay: Round 1: Emily's mother, Elizabeth, Round 2: Emily, Round 3: Wedding planner, the child will be walked through wedding scenarios to gauge their ability to adapt to dynamic, fast-evolving situations.

Children that underperform may remain remain eligible to attend but will be seated in a separate zone

App. fee $49

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Editor's note: no one has been able to locate the GoFundMe, and are speculating it may be fake.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Dragons-purr posting in r/LegalAdviceUK

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 30th September 2026

Update - 8th October 2026

Note - Petrol = Gasoline

Can nothing be done to stop my neighbour stockpiling petrol in our block of flats?

Neighbour is an odd guy. I’ve learned he keeps petrol in his flat (he’s a bit of a hoarder), I’ve asked why/how much and he just replied “because I’ve got insurance”- couldn’t get any more out of him.

He is not competent enough to store it safely. He already poured half a jug of it directly into his car’s interior because he thought he could get it in the tank without a nozzle. He has medical attacks where he gets confused and does odd things (such as watering the interior corridor with a hosepipe for several hours).

I cannot evacuate in case of a fire (powerchair user). We are a 4 story council flat block.

I have called non-emergency police- they say it’s fire’s remit. Called fire and they said they could only speak to him if he was a business but not in this case where it’s a personal dwelling. Said the best they could do is offer to look at his smoke alarms, and ask him to relocate his petrol?

Update: called the council and they said they can’t ask him to remove the petrol but they will do a welfare check ffs?! Everyone is basically saying it’s not THEIR job

Comments

insomnimax_99

It is illegal to store petrol inside a flat.

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/2014/1637/schedule/2

Common storage requirements for the keeping of intermediate quantities of petrol

3. The requirements of this paragraph are met if—

(a) the storage place is not living accommodation

https://www.wmfs.net/safety/petrol-storage-at-home/

It is illegal to store any quantity of petroleum in a flat or apartment.

Go back to the fire service and state that your neighbour is illegally storing petrol in their flat in a manner that contravenes Schedule 2 of The Petroleum (Consolidation) Regulations 2014, and that the petrol is posing a serious fire hazard. Also mention that you are unable to self-evacuate in the event of a fire.

If they don’t listen you’ll probably have to just keep bugging them, or escalate to someone higher up.

EDIT: find out who your local Petroleum Enforcement Authority is. Every area has one, sometimes this is the council, sometimes it’s the fire service. They are the ones responsible for enforcing petrol regulations, so they’re the people you need to speak to.

3ssar

The person at the fire and rescue service who claims it is not a concern should be happy to give their name and level of duty should there be a need to refer to any incident

OOP: Thank you, this is genuinely helpful!

NobunagaInLondon

OP, I would suggest you take multiple routes to pursue this.

One should be to email your MP and local councillors explaining what has happened, and stating that this act is both clearly illegal and very concerning. Explain your safety concern. And explain that the services you have contacted are passing the buck.

When I did this in similar circumstances (I got fobbed off by the police on something quite serious), I did exactly this. Within 24 hours, I had a call from an appointed officer who took the matter very seriously, and the head of the local police group became personally involved. This was because the MP and the councillors had regular 1-2-1 meetings at different levels and raised my concern directly.

Post Grenfell, they will be doubly concerned.

Key_Acanthaceae_2817

report to council. it’s a serious risk and hoarding is often something they have to deal with regardless. You could even report him to adult social care as they may have a duty to support him if he can be confused and muddled.

OOP: He already has a social worker and she sent workers round for a ‘gas leak’ the other day, but he was aggressive to them and they had to get a court order or something? He disappeared for a day or two in any case! Currently on the phone with out of hours council

Update - 9 days later

I did contact the council as many people suggested, they did not respond to me and seemed to have ignored anything. I made an official complaint and it got seen to much quicker than other issues I have raised in the past.

Turns out my neighbour has been storing petrol in his flat for quite some time, and just decided on the day that I posted, to tip it all down the side of his car (trying to get the petrol tank without a spout). The housing officer dealt with it without getting back to me, so I only learned about it via the complaint response. The neighbour says he will no longer store any petrol. The housing officer is going to inspect his flat on the 9th and they are also going to be removing all the tat he’s got piled up in the walkway as that’s also a fire hazard.

Thanks everyone! I still can’t believe fire refused this one!

TLDR: neighbour admitted to storing petrol, housing officer is dealing with it and inspecting the property on Friday.

Comments

SnooGadgets5130

Petrol goes off in about 3 to 6 month so what he’s doing is stupid. Contact whoever manages the building.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments