I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Stunning-Region-9484 posting in r/AITH

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 9th October 2026

Update - 15th October 2026

AITA for demanding we move out after my mother-in-law asked for a DNA test and my husband wants us all to keep living together?

I (28F) have been married to my husband (30M) for two years. We live with his mother (55F) in the family home, and we have a 4-month-old son. In the beginning, my MIL and I got along fine. She was strict, but I thought that was just her personality.

Three weeks ago, at the dinner table, she said she wanted a DNA test for the baby. When I asked why, she said the baby “doesn’t look like our side of the family” and that she “just wanted peace of mind.” She said it so casually, as if she was asking me to pass the salt.

I was shocked. I told her I have never given anyone a reason to doubt me, and I walked out of the room crying. I stayed with my sister for two days.

My husband came to get me, and to his credit, he took my side. He told his mother the request was disrespectful and that he would never put his wife through a test like that. She said she “only asked a question” and that I was being dramatic.

Here is where the problem is. After all this, I told him I want us to move into our own place. I can’t sit at that table every day across from someone who looked at my baby and thought I was lying. He said he understands why I’m hurt, but he can’t leave his mother alone. His dad passed away a few years ago, and he’s her only son. He wants us all to continue living together and “work it out.”

I told him that supporting me in words is not enough if I have to keep living under the same roof as the person who accused me. He said I’m forcing him to choose between his wife and his mother. I said I’m not asking him to cut her off, only to give us some distance.

Now he’s barely speaking to me, his relatives are calling me selfish, and my MIL is acting like the victim.

AITA for insisting on moving out?

EDIT: Thank you all for the kind words and for taking the time to comment. I can’t reply to everyone, so here are the answers to the most common points.

Many of you said this is a husband problem more than a MIL problem. I think you’re right. What she said hurt, but what hurts more is feeling that I have to keep sitting at that table as if nothing happened.

To those asking if I’m going to leave: no, not today. My sister has offered me a room, so I know I have somewhere safe to go. But I want to give my husband a real chance to understand what I need. We are talking this weekend.

To those who suggested a DNA test for her son: I thought about it, but I don’t want to turn this into a revenge war. My son would be the one stuck in the middle.

I’m not asking my husband to cut off his mother. I’m only asking for some distance and an apology. She is 55 and fully capable of living on her own.

I will update once we have talked. Thank you again.

Comments

tiredgummybear

You’re being gaslighted by his whole damn family. They can take her in, you can move out with the baby and your husband can stay there - OR he can take his head out of his ass and stand up for his family and your right to have your home be a safe and pleasant place for you. NTA but stand your ground. He’s either a husband or a mama’s boy, he can’t be both.

GoshenGal

I know a lot of you won’t like this but, even the Bible says you leave your family and cleve to your wife. Plus I wouldn’t want to life in someone else’s house. Even if it were a tiny apartment it would be your family’s

wutadinosaur

Demand that she take a DNA test for her son

OOP: I get the idea, but I don’t want to fight fire with fire. A DNA test would only make things worse, and my husband would see it as an attack on his mother. I’d rather she understand how much her words hurt without me doing the same to her.

Informal_Market6008

His dad passed away a few years ago, and he’s her only son.

So?

If this is a post from a non-USA'n, I'd understand cultural obligations .. I guess. But, I'm an elderly woman living in a community of other oldsters. Your MIL's plight is not atypical of the expected trajectory of a woman's life.

I have widow ladies living on each side of me, across the way, and on the next street over. Given the typical lifespan of men, I expect to join them in the not too distant future.

Believe me - NONE of us make demands on family to fill in that loss. Even the 93-year-old Phyllis, two doors down from me. Since she had her stroke last year, her son checks in on her in the morning to make sure she's still alive, then she dismisses him with a crackling "not dead today. Check again tomorrow!"

Unless your MIL has some sort of incapacity, the women of my neighborhood would sneer at her for taking over the life of her son and demeaning her DIL as she has you. Your husband would get eye daggers in the back, too.

**Judgement - NTA*\*

Update - 6 days later

Hi everyone. Thank you to everyone who commented on my first post. I read almost all of your replies, even the harsh ones. I said I would update after our family meeting this weekend, so here it is.

Quick recap: I (28F) live with my husband (30M) and his mother (55F). Three weeks ago, my MIL asked for a DNA test for our 4-month-old son because he “doesn’t look like our side of the family.” I asked my husband for distance, and he said he couldn’t leave his mother alone.

A lot of you were split. Some said I was overreacting. Many said I should never take the test. But after a lot of thinking, I decided something different.

I am going to do the DNA test.

Before anyone attacks me, let me explain why. I don’t need it. I have always known who my son’s father is. But I realized this doubt would never go away. Every time my son looked a little different, she would whisper again. Every time there was a fight, this would come back. I’m not doing it for her. I’m doing it so this question is closed forever.

I already asked a friend where such a test can be done, and I’m planning to book it myself. My husband didn’t push me. If anything, he would have kept everything the same and “worked it out” while I sat across from her every day. I told him clearly that I am doing this because he is not willing to leave his mother, so I have to carry the burden of proving myself.

At the family meeting this weekend, I said this in front of everyone:

“I will do the DNA test. But I have one condition. When the result comes back and it matches my husband, and it will, I will move out and live in a separate home with my husband and my son. And my mother-in-law will not be moving in with us.”

The room went silent. Some relatives said I was being harsh. My MIL said she “only wanted peace of mind.” I told her peace of mind should not come at the cost of destroying my dignity.

I also decided one more thing. When my son grows up and becomes mature, I will tell him the truth about what happened, that his own grandmother once doubted his mother and made her go through this. I won’t lie about it, and I won’t hide it.

At the very least, I want her to feel regret for what she did. She may never apologize, but when that report comes back, she will have to live with it.

So, AITA for making the test conditional on us moving out? And am I wrong to want my MIL to feel the consequences of her own words?

Comments

Careless-Ability-748

The bigger question is will your husband move? You can make a decision for yourself but you can't make it for him.

OOP: You’re right, and that’s the part I can’t control. I can decide what I’m willing to live with, but I can’t decide for him. That’s exactly why I’m not springing this on him. The condition was said at the family meeting, in front of everyone, so he heard it clearly and nobody can say later that they didn’t know.

I’m not asking him to abandon his mother. I’m asking for a separate home, close enough that he can visit her every day if he wants. If the result matches and he still refuses to move, then that tells me where I stand in this marriage, and I’ll have to decide what I do next with that knowledge. But I’m not going to live the rest of my life across the table from someone who doubted my child.

Ok-Chemistry9933

If he wants to stay home with his mommy, your only choice should be divorce. This kind of thing will continue to happen.

facinationstreet

I will move out and live in a separate home with my husband and my son

You should have moved out before the 'family' meeting and left your husband behind with his mommy, put him on child support and alimony and moved on.

MelissaRC2018

I was going to say get the rest the court and if he doesn’t want to move she has the dna through the court to file child support. And if he doesn’t move or tries to move her back he’s gone and I would file

Lowermains

Insist that your husband has a DNA TEST comparing her husband’s dna. Your Bitch of a … Seems to be projecting.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Designer_Orchid94 posting in r/offmychest

Concluded as per OOP

Previous BORU here by u/secure-raspberry-763

Thanks to u/Latter-Republic-4516 for noticing the updates

4 updates - Long

Original - 9th July 2023

Update - 11th July 2023

New Updates

(https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/163nqri/my_wife_has_turned_into_a_nymphomaniac_since_her/) - 28th August 2023

(https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/18s3q71/i_cheated_on_my_wife_and_now_she_wont_talk_to_me/) - 27th December 2023

(https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/1c6fyp9/i_miss_it_when_my_wife_was_pregnant_do_you_guys/) - 17th April 2024

I am glad that my wife's ex cheated on her.

I know the title sounds bizarre but hear me out. My wife and I used to be neighbors. I was working as an electrician at that time. I saw her the day she moved in. She looked really sad and lonely. I decided to help her move in because there was no one to do that for her.

From then we used to bump into each other a lot. I wanted to speak more to her but she never seemed interested in me. One day I saw her crying in front of the stairs. She looked really devastated. From there I got to know her story. She has dealt with a lot of health issues. She had multiple cysts in her breasts that she had to go in operations.

She was also suffering from PCOS which actually affected her fertility. She used to be married to a man but he cheated on her with her bestfriend and got her pregnant. Then he kicked her out and slapped her with divorce paper. I sat there with her because I know she needed a real friend. I wasn't really expecting anything in return.

We got closer and closer and I finally grew some balls to ask her out. I didn't care if she could give me kids or not. I just wanted to be with her because she is an awesome lady and life wasn't fair towards her. We dated for few years and then got married.

She has been my rock. I wanted to go back to school and finish my diploma and she has supported me through it. I always tell her that I am really lucky to have her in my life. I never knew what family felt like until I married her. I grew up in an abusive family. It took me years of therapy to cope with it. But with her I feel like I have peace in my life. I love her so much that words are not enough to express it.

Now, as I am writing this, she is sleeping on my lap while she was watching a Barbie marathon. I know one other thing about her. It is that she is pregnant and hasn't told me. The only reason I know because I found her planner when I borrowed her laptop for something. I opened it and discovered she has planned to tell me about the pregnancy 3 days later on our wedding anniversary. Can't say I haven't noticed it yet.

I have observed her breasts have become bigger and her moods have shifted. She also vomits in the morning. I will not spoil this surprise for her. I know it makes me sound like a bad person but in a way I am glad her husband cheated on her. Otherwise I wouldn't have had this angel in my life.

I mean think about it. If her husband hasn't cheated on her and left her, we would probably never meet and will go by my life like a helpless person trying to cope with loneliness. I am glad it happened. And I am sure she feels that too. Just not the way I do. If I ever encounter her husband I will probably punch him first then hug him and say "Thank you and fuck you, you piece of shite"

Comments

MadamnedMary

You have to practice in the mirror your surprise face, I imagine you hugging her and kissing, you two are already a family, you will add one more little one to the mix, hopefully everything goes well, she will need your patience, love and help more than ever. Happy for you.

nightfishing89

I’m glad my ex husband cheated on me too. Like your wife, I struggled with PCOS and infertility despite trying for a decade. After he left me, I thought that this was the end and there was no way I would ever find love or be loved. Who knew that the perfect man (in my eyes, at least) would come along. I’m also 3 months pregnant now. So, congratulations to you and your wife! Wishing you guys all the happiness in the world.

awildlumberjack

As someone else put it, it does sound bad when you read it at first, but I understand the feeling. You have the love of your life and you met her because unfortunately something bad happened to her. I would probably phrase it more like, “I’m happy that I noticed my future wife on one of her saddest days and was there to support her, so that I could meet her and eventually become her soulmate”. Good on you all around man!

OOP: Yes exactly how I wanted to put it. Not that I enjoy watching her suffer. Those days when she got the invitation of her ex-bestie and ex's wedding invitation card she was miserable. Those days actually brought us together.

Update - 2 days later

I posted here 2 days ago. People have been asking me to give an update. I am here with an update. Not as good as people thought it would be. So, today she came home from work. She looked really worried. I thought she would be happy because tomorrow is our anniversary.

We have plans and usually she is excited and always talks about what she can do. I asked her how her day went. She cried. I was scared. I was scared for us and our baby. She told me she has been keeping a secret from me and she wanted to tell me on our anniversary. I didn't tell her that I already knew. She told me she was pregnant.

She has know about this 2 weeks and she is 8 weeks pregnant. She noticed some changes and took a test. She didn't want to tell me early because she was afraid to have a miscarriage. Years ago when she was with her ex husband, she had 2 miscarriages around 6 weeks. She was afraid this will end in miscarriage too so she didn't want to disappoint me.

She though if she had a miscarriage only she will know, it will not effect me. But when she reached up to 8 weeks mark she decided to tell me. But she went to the doctor today taking a half day from work. The doctor told her she is still in risk of miscarriage and a complicated pregnancy. That's why she was afraid. She said she cannot keep it a secret.

Her plan was ruined because of it and so she is telling me this early. I tried to calm her down. I told her if she stresses about it, it will not be good to either you or the baby. We can only hope for the best. No matter what happens I will be with her throughout this journey. She asked me if I had known about this. I told her yes I did. She smiled and said she figured it out because last few days I have been stroking her belly a lot.

We are still planning on the reveal. I might as well act surprised even though it was spoiled by me. Am I tensed? Yes, because a complicated pregnancy means either she survives or the child. But we can hope for the best and both my child and wife will be safe.

The doctor said since she is in her mid 30s she is way more prone to stillbirths and other pregnancy related complications. We might get a second opinion on it soon. But for now we are enjoying our years together.

Comments

dasbarr

This is adorable. I'm just picturing you feeling like you're the best secret keeper ever only to be constantly touching your partners stomach. Lol.

mh6797

I had 2 miscarriages and then a healthy baby boy. Try not to stress to much and stay positive.

New Updates

Update - My wife has turned into a nymphomaniac since her pregnancy. - 6 weeks later

It's only been like 2 months since she announced her pregnancy. But she has turned into a sex machine. She constantly wants sex. I try my best as much as I can but I am working overtime often now because we will soon have a new addition. She always wakes up every morning and asks for sex. Even when I come home at night. She works from home so, she is stuck in home all day. I tell her to go meet her friends or even some family. I thought this will keep her mind off me. But no, she would still text me and say she wants it.

I tried to tell her that she should experiment with toys but she wants sex with me. Few days ago we went to a restaurant on a date. She was being too handsy and starting touching, we got looks from everyone. I know I know people here will tell me to just enjoy it. That it will not be the same after we have kids. But it is exhausting. I can't keep up with her. I can only do so much. I love her a lot. I don't want to hurt her feelings by saying no. I know I can say no, but that doesn't solve the issue. So, can you folks give me some advice that works for both of us.

Comments

Regular-Bat-4449

Cut back on the overtime. No one ever said on their deathbed, " Gee, I wish I worked more." Enjoy the ride while you can. It'll slow down pretty quickly.

OOP: That's some solid advice. I will look into it. But on the other hand baby stuffs do not come cheap. That's why I am working overtime so that I can give a comfortable life for both my wife and our child.

Regular-Bat-4449

Meh, take it from a guy on the other side of life ( now retired). The overtime will still be there later. Take care of your wife and then the baby 👶. Everything else will fall into place, and 5 or 10 years from now, you will both be in a much better headspace

[deleted]

You'll be back here next year saying "My wife hasnt wanted sex in a year how do i get her to want me again" lol

No but seriously. This is not going to last. dont worry. easier said than done but try to enjoy it, do what you can and if you have too,let her know that you'd love to give it to her every time she wants it but that your man parts can only take so much.. or something along those lines lol.Instead of telling her to use the toy maybe suggest that you can use the toy/vibrator on her, if your both open to that?? Shes probably super horny but also wants intimacy with you. So doing alone isnt the same.... Speaking from experience, her hormones are at an all time high and she probably feels closer to you than ever. Congratulations and enjoy it while it lasts 😊.

OOP: I don't want it to die out either. I know I shouldn't complain but I have my limits. We are usually always in sync. But now she is hyper sexual. I get tired a lot.

Update - I cheated on my wife and now she won't talk to me - 4 months later

I cannot believe I am saying this. This is something I did not plan to happen. I love my wife with all my heart. It was just a one time mistake. I fucked up. Now she is ignoring me. Calling me cruel names. But honestly can you blame me? I am a man with needs. I have hunger inside of me. I couldn't control myself. You know how men become animals when they have desire.

So, today when my wife was out. I lost my control. I couldn't believe I did what I did but I opened the fridge and ate her cookies and cream. Earlier that day she told me she will eat it later and told me not to touch it. But I did. I was hungry. She came home earlier and caught me red handed with spoon inside my mouth. I told her "This is not what it looks like". But she cried and ran upstairs. She says she can't trust me anymore. Damn you cookies and cream. 😫😫😫.

Comments

koalaqueen_

You don’t love her. Lol

OOP: I do. It was one mistake. 😥.

koalaqueen_

You need to prove your love, I say go to the store right now 😪.

Update - I miss it when my wife was pregnant. Do you guys miss the pregnancy stage too? - 4 months later

My wife gave birth 4 weeks ago. We have a beautiful little girl. We are both exhausted and cannot catch a breath. I started reminiscing the times when she was pregnant. I know it was difficult for her. I mean she was growing an entire human inside her body. But I remember the times we spent together. I miss her moodiness and her emotional state.

The first stage of pregnancy she had a glow. Her skin was glowing, her lips were fuller and she had mad curves. Like it was driving me crazy. Her sex drive was through the roof. We took advantage of the time. Though I was always busy but I took days off from work just to be with her. Not saying she looks bad. She is still the most gorgeous woman I ever laid my eyes on. But pregnant her was different. I remember when she would nibble on food whenever she saw her favorite food. It was fascinating to me.

I miss her anger too. She would get angry at random things and I loved to calm her down because after she calmed down she would get sad for being angry at something stupid. I can say pregnant her was an emotional rollarcoaster but I enjoyed every moment of it. Now we are parents. We gave responsibilities. She and I are always exhausted because of our daughter.

I know I cannot ask her to get pregnant now. And probably not even in future because we can only afford one kid now. But I do miss her being pregnant. Having a round stomach, I would always put my hand on it. I would feel the kick of my baby. Has anyone felt like this? I know a lot of husbands think their wife being pregnant was an awful time.

Comments

UnevenGlow

I bet she doesn’t miss it

UnfairNeighborhood3

My wife says I've never loved her more than when she was pregnant...

Hoping-Ellie

Look this is adorable & all, really. But speaking as someone who is currently pregnant: ughhhhh I’m so over it and knowing my husband thinks I’m adorable & glowing helps but still doesn’t mean I’m enjoying pregnancy.

But sincerely, congrats on new baby & on loving your wife so well!

ShartyPants

This is really cute. I think the anticipation of a baby coming can paint a really rosy picture of how things are. But I’m glad you loved that stage, I don’t think my husband would agree haha. Your wife sounds like a lucky lady. :)

[deleted]

I do. While I don’t have the mental capacity to take on anymore myself, I miss the entire process.

I miss the excitement of finding out. Each of the pregnancies I knew something was up before she did. Her body temp, her physical features, etc.

I miss seeing her so happy and excited to welcome a child into the world. Her tears of joy, how she kissed me and told me she loved me while we were in the operating room.

I cried this past fall when our youngest turned five. I just miss even the early days of parenting. I was the one who got up in the middle of the night, not joking, 99% of the time. I was the one who handled vomit, taking care of them when they needed reassurance that they would be fine.

My wife’s food aversions were hilarious. And I loved when she would ask for a Jimmy John’s sandwich right after giving birth, now that she felt comfortable of not having issues with lunch meat.

I miss it more than she knows.

OOP: Hey man I read your posts. I am so so sorry you are going through a tough times. I am not a marriage expert but all those things you just told me, say that to your wife. You clearly love her and you guys are clearly going through a rough patch. Maybe the circumstances aren't great. But please tell her those things. Me and my wife were not the richest.

She was doing a mediocre job and I was still training when I met her. We were by no means rich. We went on cheap dates. We are fortunate enough to have more now but still we do cheap dates and just cook together. Do something like that. In these tough times your wife needs you. I cannot say your financial situation will be better but just try and stay together. It is clear you guys still love each other. Not expressing that love will only create distance. I hope your life gets better man.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user Icy_Track_7817 in r/ marriageadvice

Original: Oct 1, 2026

Update 1: Oct 2, 2026

Update 2: Oct 5, 2026

Status: concluded as per OOP

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Original: 35M — My wife (26F) came back from a girls’ trip and I barely recognize her anymore

My wife (27F) and I (35M) have been married for 6 years and we have two kids, a 5-year-old and a 4-year-old.

Things between us were never perfect, but honestly, I thought we were doing pretty well. We had our routines, we'd argue sometimes like any couple, but there was still affection and we were raising our kids together.

A few months ago, she went on a girls’ trip with some friends. I was completely fine with it. I stayed home with the kids and told her to enjoy herself. But when she came back, something felt different.

She started dressing differently, spending much more time on her phone, and suddenly wanted to go out with friends almost every weekend. She's also become much more distant with me. We barely have any physical affection anymore, and whenever I try to talk about it, she tells me I'm being controlling or paranoid.

The weirdest part is that she keeps saying the trip "opened her eyes" and that she realized she'd been putting herself last for years.

I don't want to be the husband who tells his wife she can't have friends or go out. I actually want her to be happy. But it feels like I came home from that trip with a completely different wife. We have two young kids, and I'm worried about what all of this means for our family.

I haven't accused her of cheating because I genuinely don't know if that's what's happening. I just know something has changed, and I don't know how to approach it without making things worse.

Has anyone experienced something similar after their partner suddenly changed following

TL;DR: My wife came back from a girls trip acting completely different. She's more distant, wants to go out more, and says the trip made her realize she'd been putting herself last. I don't know if something happened or if I'm overthinking it.

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Additional details in comments:

[timeline of relationship -- dating and marriage?]

OOP: No, we started dating when she was 20 and I was 29. We were together for about a year before getting married. She’s turning 27 in a few days.

---------
OOP: Yeah, that was my mistake. I meant “she married young,” not “we married young.” English is my second language, and I don't live in an English-speaking country, so I'm doing my best with the wording. 😅

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OOP: I never wanted to say this but there were a lot of reasons we married young. She was trying to get away from a pretty abusive family situation and wanted to start her own life. We were already serious, so marriage felt like the right step for us at the time and about kids she made the decisions,

when she said she just wants two kids i didn’t complain, I always support her. When she continued studying i was home with the kids. I never tell her no, I was the one who suggested this girls trip because she has never done it before.

-----------------------

[does she feel pressured/trapped?]

OOP: I understand what you're saying, and that's honestly what I'm trying to figure out. I don't want to stop her from going out or make her feel trapped. She has always had freedom and I've supported her doing things for herself.

I'm just struggling with how different she became after the trip and what that means for us. I definitely think we need to sit down and talk about what she feels she's missing and whether we can find a middle ground.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: You married her at 20 and she had her first kid at 21. That was way too young off her and she’s finally realizing she missed her early 20s single life where a lot of adults discover themselves. Be prepared for more difficult times. It’s just an age old story of getting with someone too young before they’ve really matured and figured out what they want in life.

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Comment2 (shortened): I may get downvoted into oblivion for this, but I just think this is a bad take. There is no objectively right age for marriage. Everyone is different. A hundred years ago, people were getting married in their teens. The idea that you need to "live it up" in your twenties is a relatively new notion that we've come to think we're entitled to.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. If you want to live it up in your twenties, live it up. But there isn't some objectively correct age to get married. People get married at all kinds of different ages, and there are different trade-offs to marrying at different stages of life.

.......So I think it's a mistake to say, "You got married in your early twenties? Well, that was a mistake." That's just not a good way to look at it.

We all make choices, and sometimes we look back and think the grass would have been greener on the other side. The reality is that every path has trade-offs. We make the choices we make, and we have to make the best of them while appreciating what we have and recognizing the advantages that came with those choices.

Trying to make this guy feel like he "stole his wife's youth" simply because she married young is, in my opinion, a poor and somewhat condescending way of looking at it.

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Update 0.5

Just to clarify because a lot of people are assuming she has no freedom because we married young. She has always had her own life. She has her own business, goes to yoga classes, sees her friends, and can go out whenever she wants.

I actually take care of the kids most of the time, and we share the housework. I’ve never expected her to just be a wife and mother 24/7.

I encouraged her to take the girls’ trip and even paid for it. That’s why her coming back and suddenly saying she feels like she’s been putting herself last has been confusing to me. I’m not saying she shouldn’t have freedom. I’m trying to understand what she feels she’s been missing.

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Update 1 (next day)

We had a proper conversation. She did meet some people, including some guys, while she was on the trip. She promised me nothing happened, and I believe her.

She explained that the trip made her realize how much she misses having her own life outside of being a wife, businesswoman, and mom. She loves me and the kids, but she wants to spend more time traveling, exploring, and meeting different people.

Honestly, I think I was so focused on whether something happened on the trip that I wasn't really listening to what she was trying to tell me. So we've decided to take a trip together and leave the kids with their grandparents for a few days.

And to everyone saying I took her younger adulthood from her, she actually asked me to say this: she chose me, and she doesn't regret that choice. She knows she got married young, but she doesn't see our marriage as something that was taken from her. She just wants more space to have a life outside of being a wife and mom, and I'm going to support that.

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Update 2 (3 days later): I found out what really happened on my wife’s girls trip

I honestly didn't think I'd be making this update, but a lot has happened since my last post.

It was my wife 27th birthday and I planned a surprise for her. I even reached out to some of her friends, even though I'm not exactly their biggest fan. The party went really well, and honestly, for the first time in a while I felt like things between us were getting better.

Later I happened to see a message on her phone from one of her friends. I know her password and she knows mine, so it wasn't like I was going through her phone. At first the message was just about the party and how lucky she was to have me. Then I saw something that made my stomach drop.

Her friend told her not to tell me what happened on the girls trip now that things between us were getting better. I confronted my wife. At first she denied that anything happened and asked me if I trusted her. I kept asking her to be honest with me, and eventually she admitted it.

Something did happen on the trip. She told me she had been drinking, ended up with another guy, and cheated on me. She says it happened once, it was a mistake, and she regretted it afterward.

I'm honestly devastated. Not just because she cheated, but because she was going to take that secret to the grave while I was sitting here defending her and telling everyone I trusted her.

I left the house and I'm taking a break for now. She keeps apologizing and asking me to forgive her, but I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with all of this yet.

I know a lot of people warned me. I genuinely believed you guys were assuming the worst about her. I guess I was wrong about that. I'm not making any decisions while I'm this angry. I just need some time to figure out what happens nexts.

I don't know what to do now. I love my wife, but I'm hurt that she cheated and then lied about it. Should I try to work through this or take some time apart?

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Update 2.5

I really appreciate all the advice, comments, and questions. I’ve been reading them, even if I can’t reply to everyone. Sometimes it’s hard for me to understand some of the comments because English isn’t my first language and I don’t speak it very well. I use translation sometimes so I can understand and respond properly. Thanks for being patient with me.

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AND LASTLY I think this might be my last update for a while. First, thank you to everyone who has checked on me and asked how I’m doing. I really do appreciate it, even if I haven’t replied to everyone.

For the people saying I’m lying or making up things about my life, honestly I just don’t have the energy to argue with people anymore. Some people will believe me and some won’t. That’s fine.

I’m going to take a break from Reddit and get some professional help. I also need to focus on my kids and try to keep things as normal as possible for them.

About divorce, DNA tests, STI tests and all that, I’ll deal with those things when I’m ready. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do about my marriage yet.

I came back because some people genuinely cared and wanted to know how I was doing. But I don’t think I want to keep sharing every detail of my private life here. Maybe I’ll come back someday when I’m in a better place. For now, I just need some time away.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/disappointedbridee

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 14, 2015

• Update: February 20, 2016

• Final Update: June 25, 2016

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Main Post

^{November 14, 2015}

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I [29F] just got married, and I'm upset and confused about the way my husband [30M] acted the entire day

I'm sorry, this really turned into a novel. I would really appreciate it if you could find the time to read, though.

The wedding was only 2 weekends ago, but I haven't stopped being upset/confused about the way my new husband acted during it.

So, background I guess. We've been together for 7 years. He has a job with a weird schedule, so he only sees his friends a few times a month (about once a week or less). I'm friends with most of his friends and their girlfriends/wives, so we all get together often enough (though he spends time with his friends alone, too).

Our whole relationship, whenever we are with his friends he pretty much forgets I exist. He gets really excited to see them and ditches me pretty much the second we walk through the door. It doesn't usually matter, because we see each other all the time anyway, and I just go off and hangout with the girls.

Aside from that (lol r/relationships cliche), he is my best friend. He is always there for me throughout all of my lowest moments, family issues, everything. He does anything for me (and I for him).

So... our wedding day. During the ceremony, he kept cracking jokes to me while our priest was in the middle of talking. I asked him to stop multiple times, so instead he turned to his brother (best man) and kept whispering/joking with him throughout half the ceremony. The priest noticed and glared at us, until finally I poked him and whispered "Are you marrying your brother? Be quiet."

After the ceremony, we went back to the limo with our bridal party. I thought we were both going to be so giddy to finally be married, but his attention almost immediately shifted to his "bros." Someone handed me a drink (clear, luckily), and I tripped over my husbands foot and ended up spilling half of it on his shoes and the bottom of my wedding dress. He YELLED at me, in front of everyone! And said "that was your fault, so don't try to blame me!" (I hadn't even said anything, I just tried to move my dress away). My mouth dropped. I couldn't believe, immediately after getting married, he was literally yelling at me in front of our whole bridal party instead of being happy.

A minute went by, and he apologized. I told him I couldn't believe he would do that to me after we had just gotten married, and he begged me not to let it upset me the whole rest of the night after we paid so much money/spent so much time trying to make the day perfect. I let it go.

Once the reception started, though, I realized that our wedding would go just like any other friend gathering: him ditching me the entire time to hangout with them. I didn't see him once during cocktail hour (which we attended), and throughout the party after, everyone kept stopping me and asking me where he was and why we weren't together at our own wedding. Every time I found him, he would disappear again.

I started getting kind of upset, and felt neglected. The one day that should be about us as a couple, and I couldn't get him to spend more than a full minute with me. At one point, I was standing in the middle of the dance floor by myself, looking around, and his sister came up to me and asked me what was wrong (I guess it showed on my face), so I told her the truth: "Your brother is really upsetting me; I want to spend time with him and he keeps leaving."

So she marched over to wherever he was and told him to go talk to me, so he came over to me and I told him I would really like to spend time with him, that this day was for the two of us and I wanted to have some moments together. He said "all these people came for us, I have to spend time with them!" But he did dance with me for a minute before disappearing again.

The photographer told us at one point after dinner that he wanted to take photos of the 2 of us outside, so my husband and I began to follow him and his crew when the next minute, my husband had gone off with a friend again. Even the photographers were getting frustrated with him at this point, and told me so.

By the end of the night he was plastered, so there was no point of trying to communicate with him anymore. We had an after party during which I just hungout with his brother and sister because once again, he was off somewhere with his friends.

I tried to talk to him about this the next day after everything settled, and although he apologized for hurting my feelings, he maintained that all of his married friends told him that they barely saw their wives during their weddings either (interesting that the ones he quoted are getting divorced, though). So he thinks he's justified, and that I'm being dramatic. I've dropped it because, fuck, I just married him. I want to actually enjoy that fact, damn it!

But it's still bothering me, and I don't know if he's right and I just had unreasonable expectations??

tl;dr: My husband and I just got married, and I barely saw him throughout the entire reception/after party. He says it's justified because "nobody has time to spend with their husband/wife on their wedding day with all these other people around," and maintains that I'm just being dramatic about it even though it really hurt my feelings.

 

COMMENTS

H3pha

He fucked up.

This was a day that his focus should have been solely on you, just as your focus should be on him. It should bother you more, in my opinion. He's not justified, he's just an ass.

The fact that you dropped it because you got married is wrong. Don't ignore the issue. He may have married you, but he ditched you ... On your wedding day.

OOP

I don't know how to bring it up again. I tried multiple times the next day, and he apologized, but didn't believe he did anything wrong.

H3pha

What did he apologize for then? That's hardly an apology if he didn't think he did anything wrong.

OOP

He "was sorry that I felt that way, it wasn't his intent."

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OOP (downvoted)

Yes. He's good to me, so this was weird as hell.

LittlePrincess4

Our whole relationship, whenever we are with his friends he pretty much forgets I exist.

Is it really though?

OOP

Yea, you're right. And it isn't every time, but it happened in the beginning of our relationship to the point where I tried to break up with him, and he stopped until I ended up becoming really close friends with them myself. Now he figures I can fend for myself with them, and I can, so it stopped bothering me.

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Zombiedrd

What the shit. The husband and wife should be inseparable on their wedding day. You should be more upset.

OOP

On the day, I was. And I was PISSED! We spent so much money, and so much time, that I was almost in shock at the fact that I felt like crying. I mean, everything was perfect, the vendors were amazing, the venue was even more amazing, everyone told me it was the best wedding they have ever attended. I should have been over the moon. But.. I was so sad.

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Update - after 3 months, 6 days

^{February 20, 2016}

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UPDATE: I [29F] just got married, and I'm upset and confused about the way my husband [30M] acted the entire day

I'm not sure how many people remember my post, since it is three months old now. However, I thought about it randomly tonight and thought I'd provide an update.

After I posted this, I showed the thread and all of its many (awesome) responses to my husband. At first, he was kind of peeved that I shared it with so many people (I got hundreds of upvotes that I wasn't expecting, and I think it made him feel less anonymous). However, I gave him time to process it while I played with our cat, and when I came back he looked really sad.

He ended up apologizing, and asking me what he could do to show him I meant the world to him. I told him there was nothing; I just wanted him to know how much it upset me. I told him honestly that, while most people think of their wedding day as the best day of their life, I didn't get the opportunity to feel that way about mine. I still don't. I'm happy I married him, but my wedding was a big clusterfuck of nerves and annoyance. I did have fun at various points during the evening, and I don't remember it only resentfully, but it wasn't hashtag best.day.ever.

But, you know what, that's okay.

We talked about it in detail, and then we went on an amazing honeymoon. And then he surprised me with a second honeymoon to a place in our country that I've been dying to go to for ages.

I know we're still newlyweds, but I feel like we've been in a better place. Since being married, he's been a lot more affectionate than he used to be. He was always nice to me, but he was always the "doing" type of lover (he shows love by doing things for me instead of showing me physical affection or telling me things). But lately he's been doing a lot to show me he loves me in other ways.

We've hungout with friends a lot since then, and while I still maintain that I don't want to be joined at the hip at social gatherings (I truly don't, which is why this issue has never really come to a head before), he's been checking in with me more than he used to.

In the end, I think we were just so used to the way we normally act in social situations after 7 years, that it was hard to change that for just one day. Typically, we both go off to hangout with other people (I said in the old thread that at this point most of our friends are mutual), that it was atypical for him to spend a lot of time around me -- who he sees every day -- instead of entertaining the people who came out to celebrate with him.

I've forgiven him... But I told him on our one year anniversary he owes me a nice dinner at the catering hall (which also has a restaurant) we got married at ;)

tl;dr: We talked, a few months went by since then, everything has been pretty great regardless of what happened on our wedding day.

 

COMMENTS

HotDogKnights

I remember your original post and it infuriated me.

Other than just apologize, did he even explain why he acted the way he did, in particular the wise cracks during the ceremony and screaming at you in the limo?

I think it's great that you had a great honeymoon and he's been nicer to you since, but I still think you need to get to the bottom of why he treated you the way he did.

OOP

Yes, he did. About the wisecracks: he was really nervous, and he diffuses nerves through humor. It was in poor form, and I'm still not happy about it, but he wasn't trying to be malicious in any way.

The yelling at me part, that one was harder to swallow. He thought since it was sort of his fault that beer spilled on my dress, that I was going to get really angry at him for it (expensive dress, high emotions). I didn't, because nothing was going to ruin my mood, but he reacted defensively. Yeah, not awesome. I was only able to let it go because I know he never typically acts out like that. This was the one part of the day, more than everything else, that I was the most angry about in the days and weeks following.

So, yeah not great reasons, unfortunately, but I still understand. I wasn't the best at managing my emotions either that day. I ended up snapping at his cousin inside the church because he accidentally opened the doors in front of me right before my entrance, but before the bridal party had a chance to walk. I apologized to him a million times for it, though.

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Final Update - after 7 months, 11 days (after 4 months, 5 days from last post)

^{June 25, 2016}

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Final update: comments

Holy shit haha I logged in today out of random curiosity, and saw this.

Yeah, our marriage is really good, actually. I made him read my OP, and he completely realized why I was hurt and apologized a million times and made up for it.

I know everyone here was calling for blood, but he's my best friend in the world and my biggest cheerleader, and I love him more than my own life.

 

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