My first post for people: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/CXXn5aRDAJ

Hello guys.

First thing out of the way, we are officially in a relationship now. Over the last few days with her, I really enjoyed coming home to her and my niece and nephew. But what sealed the deal was I was gone last week for a couple of days, on a work trip, and she kept calling and checking on me and I missed her and I missed home.

As soon as I came back I told her I would love to make it official and we both agreed. I still feel guilty about everything and replacing my brother, and the initial time we had sex. But I might be just coping to make myself feel better, but I feel like it would be better for my nephew and niece if it was me rather than someone else stepping into his shoes. And I really like her. I can’t really picture a future without her or the kids in my life.

She did say we should still visit a relationship counselor and a grief therapist together. I am for that. I think I(and maybe her too) have a lot of unprocessed feelings about my brother. I don’t want to let that get in the way of being there for her and the kids. I still love my brother, but I can’t keep feeling guilty forever. That’s not fair to her or me.

I told my parents, she and I together. I thought they would find it strange and kinda be a little angry, but my dad was okay with it. He was supportive and told her he always knew she would have to live her own life on day, and in a way, it’s kind of a blessing it’s me and not a stranger entering the life of their grandkids. My dad told my mom independently just in case she would not process it well, but my mom called up a few hours later and was not upset either. She was happy, but then cried remembering my brother and told me to take good care of her and the kids. I promised to do that.

It kind of made me realize me and her were already doing everything as a couple anyway. We were living together, and everything. I was just scaring myself and guilting myself out of making the move. I have profusely apologized to her for this again and again, but she said she knew I wasn’t doing it out of rudeness but rather out of lingering feelings and grief about my brother.

As for the kids, we aren’t telling them yet. She said we will have to tell them, and we are thinking about taking a trip together as a family during thanksgiving to my parents home country and we will tell them there if the mood feels right. But either way, it’s not something for me to decide alone, and I would rather do it in a way that’s comfortable for her and in accordance with her lead.

My friends were initially surprised, but supportive. They said my brother would’ve killed me if he were alive, but it’s fine, rather me than him. One of our mutuals, who was a my brother’s best friend, told me he had an idea something was up when he visited, but didn’t want to pry. He said as long as I do right by my brother and don’t let the kids forget him, which of course I won’t, then I am not doing anything I need to feel guilty about.

I guess that was it. I still want to do something nice for her. We kinda started a pseudo-relationship, official in all always except officially official as I said, so because of that not much has changed, and since we are keeping it form the kids from now too we aren’t super open in front of them. Her sister lives 5 hours away, we discussed leaving the kids with her sister for a weekend and going to a air bnb a couple hours away from her sisters place and spending 3-4 days there. Her sister knows about us too, and she said she wants to meet me before she fully approves so that is a bit nerve wracking of course, haha.

But once we tell the kids, there should be some more normalcy.

That’s all. Sorry it wasn’t anything groundbreaking or “tea-heavy” as some may say haha.

I have been with my wife for just over 8 1/2 years recently have been struggling with the fact that i cant seem to understand the intentions behind certain things.

For example she does this soft scream that is used for anything from "I just spilled some water on myself" to "there is a bug that I'm deathly afraid of". If for instance we are at the store, i cant tell the difference between "we should seriously get this" and "I'm just joking about getting it". Maybe its just that I'm having a hard time hearing any amount of subtle differences in the tone but they sound nearly identical. I feel like I'm at a stage where I'm either flat out ignoring her unless she specifically brings me into a conversation or taking it seriously and misunderstanding the severity of it.

I already get on her nerves from time to time because I ask her to explain herself a lot so that I'm not making assumptions based on how I thought I understood something she's said. This is especially true if we are out in public. Doing it anymore will almost certainly create more tension.

How can I go about better understanding these differences and how can I better handle these situations when I'm really not sure what's going on?

Ive been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for over two years now. Whenever we have problems we generally get them fixed and we're okay again but over the past 6 months ive been horrible to him.

I realize I have a double standard with how we treat eachother, and i cant get myself to do anything about it. When he feels hurt he sits me down and tells me that, but i realize that i make excuses for myself and my view of my own self worth is so low i entirely shut down when these things are told to me. I think so low of myself its directly impacting our relationship to a point i expect him to leave me over the smallest of things, and even if i dont say it, its noticeable in my behaviour and how easily i give up on things

hes burnt out, he isnt getting his emotional needs met and i keep expecting mine to be. I keep reminding myself that i need to be gentler and take him into account when im upset if i want my feelings to be an excuse for my own behavior, but it isnt exactly working and i fall back into that loop

ive tried getting myself to think higher of myself by keeping a journal of things im proud of each day including how i felt and if i did something i deserved, but i still struggle to take accountability because i will either entirely defend myself or shut down and accept that im "a horrible person and hes allowed to be upset with me and sooner or later he'll leave " and i KNOW this mindset will just make it happen

i ask him if hes upset with me obsessively

i dont take his words at face value and i realize i dont trust him how i should despite him never really having done anything wrong

he's the sweetest guy ever and always considers me in everything but i recognize its burning him out and i need to get my shit together

how do i even do that?

where do i start with "general self betterment"?

how do i get myself to feel responsible for the things i do without feeling so bad about them i decide "thats just how it is, im a bad person" and give up?

how do i convince myself hes not attacking me by saying how he feels when hes not in a state to reassure me of that?

how do i trust in someone enough to not need that reassurance?

i realize my post is very short, i realize im writing it while emotional and tired at 4am, and i should probably add more info

but i cant look at this currently and see a lot more i can add even if i see that im not sharing a lot on the situation

ill probably add to this tomorrow or make a new, more consise post, i just never know how to start

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years. I. travel for 2 weeks at a time for work, and then I am home for 2 weeks at a time. At first it was practically everyday that I was home that we had sex, but the past year or so has been I would say twice on average (maybe closer to once) in those 2 weeks that I’m home. So 1-2 times a month that we have sex. And I always have to initiate. She almost never says no, but used to often initiate, now VERY rarely does. Which makes me worry about seeming pushy. Would you say this normal for a 2 year relationship? I don’t know it really bothers me because it seems like she is a little less interested in pretty much every way. Very rare compliments compared to the past. I get it honeymoon phase blah blah blah. But would you consider this normal? Especially asking women here. Any and all input is appreciated though. I don’t know I guess the main question is do most women want to have sex more than twice a month? Especially if they’re 23 and in only a 2 year relationship? Am I probably doing something wrong or not? I would like to add maybe I’ve gained a little weight and look a little less muscular, ( less defined abs, arms, rounder face) but maybe 15lbs at most. Likely a factor or no? My first serious relationship so I feel like I have no way of knowing.

I would like to add since I didn’t think about how irregular my schedule was and may seem confusing to some, she says and seems very content with my work schedule, hoping for something local in the future but not super urgent to her yet. I don’t think this has much to do with issue in my opinion.

Especially looking for people with similar experience. Thank you.

We've been together 12 years, and have created a wonderful, beautiful life and family together. We share very similar values and life goals. This isn't a "we're about to break up" thing, just trying to figure out one of the points of tension we have.

So yeah, the main recurring point of tension for us is our conflicting ways of being. I'm keen to see if anyone has any advice.

• I've always been a fairly laid back person who prefers to flow with life, doing what needs to be done, but no more than that - intentionally leaving plenty of flexibility/breathing room open so when good opportunities arise they can be taken (seeing friends, taking the kids surfing, etc). (Just to be clear, I'm no lazy bum, I've got a masters double degree and run an award winning architecture practice).
• She's really industrious, has pretty high standards, and describes herself as being ADHD (hasn't sought an actual diagnosis, but she's a bit erratic in her thinking, always starting projects then getting distracted, etc). To manage this, she loves to have a plan, and feels a bit anxious/lost when there's no plan locked in.

So in short, she prefers committed planning, I prefer open schedules and flexibility.

This conflict manifests in a bunch of ways - particularly now with the added life load since having kids (we both work part time and share home schooling the kids).

• She wishes I'd carry more of the household mental load for our high living standards.
• I wish we would dial back our expectations so we weren't so swamped with chores and could do more fun stuff.
• She wishes I'd help her with all her projects more.
• I wish she'd try not to fit so many projects in so we could enjoy more free time & flexibility.

She probably feels like I'm holding her back (which I hate) and it often feels like she's dragging me forward.

I made a concerted effort to match her pace in life a couple years ago, and within a year I fully burned out.

Not really sure what I can do other than accept that we're different, that occasionally she'll feel frustrated, and occasionally I'll feel overwhelmed.

Anyone got any tips?

i'm 18F and my bf is 23M. we have been together for about a year and a half, with a 3 month break between because he blocked me and i ended up going back to him. he lives in Florida and I live in Texas, so we have been long distance with occasional visits (two at this point).

we are planning to move in together in Texas in february. we are both very tired of long distance and it has been hurting our relationship a lot. we are both sick of having to rely on phones and games to keep the relationship alive, and we both want to finally experience a normal relationship in person. when we mentioned moving first, i was hesitant and he told me i was immature and childish for not wanting to move in but since then i've become more excited. though, im starting to worry im ignoring too many problems.

our biggest issue is arguments. i feel like whenever i try to explain something that hurt me or made me upset, he immediately defends himself or explains why he did what he did. sometimes he will acknowledge how i feel but its usually followed with a "but" and turn the conversation back to me. we end up arguing about my reaction instead of what upset me in the first place.

he also withdrawls a lot. sometimes he will leave me on read or distance himself, and i end up being the one trying to fix things. most of the time we end up going back to normal without actually fixing the problem at hand. then when i bring up the same issues or it boils over, he acts like its the first time he is hearing about the problem.

we recently had another argument because he thought i was mad at him. i got upset and lashed out. i know i could have handled my reaction better and i acknowledged it and said im sorry. but when i tried to explain that it was about more than one argument, he kept saying i caused the whole situation and that none of it would've happened if i hadnt reacted the way i did. i couldnt get him to understand why it happened in the first place.

another issue is that im not really allowed to have online friends because he is scared i’ll leave him for someone else. he would also be insecure if i had social media, so i dont have it. because of that, ive lost contact with my old high school friends and i cant make new friends either. i understand that he has insecurities, but i feel like im giving up my own friendships and independence just to make him feel secure.

the reason im struggling so much with this is because we are planning to move in together in february. i am in charge of finding the apartment, managing the finances and everything between. we both feel like our relationship probably wont survive much longer if we stay long distance, and i really want to be with him in person. i love him and i do believe our relationship is better when we are together. but im scared that we will move in together, things will be good for a while, and then we will end up having the same problems all over again.

he also needs to leave his current home around that time and cant afford to stay in the area he lives in now, so i worry about what will happen to him if we dont move in together. i dont want to make a decision based on guilt, but i also dont want to give up on our relationship if these are things we could actually work through.

im just not sure if im ignoring red flags because i love him and want this to work, or if these are problems that we can fix together before moving in. i would appreciate advice from people who have been in similar situations, especially if living together helped their relationship or made the problems worse. what do i

I used to talk to this guy for hours, and he was always so sweet to me. We had a really nice connection, and I genuinely enjoyed talking to him. But suddenly, things changed. Sometimes he doesn’t reply to my messages, and other times he’s just like he used to be in person. He also jokes around with me, but sometimes his jokes feel a little too harsh. He usually apologizes afterward, but I can’t help wondering if there’s some truth behind them.
I remember him telling me about another girl he didn’t really reply to, and now I’m scared I’m becoming that girl without even realizing it. I’m worried that maybe my messages annoy him, but I don’t know because he can still be really sweet to me sometimes.
I’ve tried asking him about it, too. I told him that his messages had started feeling dry, but he avoided the conversation, so I never got a clear answer, and nothing really changed.
The truth is, I don’t want to lose him. I miss how things used to be, and I don’t know whether he’s losing interest, going through something, or if I’m overthinking everything.
Guys, if you suddenly change the way you act toward a girl you used to enjoy talking to for hours, why would you do that? And if you were losing interest, would you still act sweet in person?

So this is first relationship for me and for my gf. We are 4 months into therelationship. I like her a lot and I would say that the feeling are mutual. The problem is, as she says, I'm too quite when we are alone. I know this, our conversation will go like this. We would greet each other, probably hug and then start talking about what happend in our today, and she would talk a lot, and I would share what happend to me but after that, I got no idea what to talk about, we would cudle or maybe watch something, but I dont know what to ask her. I know a lot about her, and she about me, so I'm not sure what to do. I dont have a great memory, I would need something really specific to happen to remind me of my memories so I can share them, I dont have a lot of stories to tell or I dont remember them. I'm scared she will leave me cuz I just dont know what to ask her or talk about with her.

Hi im J a 34m am thinking of breaking up with my partner B a 30m. Before you ask I already see therapist and am on depression meds. I dont sleep well at all and my dreams haunt. Anyways the last few years have been rough. I moved in with my partner after 2 years of dating. Year 3 my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I stepped away from my job of 10 years to spend what time I had left with him, then after his passing helped my mother move and clean out the house. Year 4 to 6 my partner travels for work and I out of country for 1-3 months of the year but im ok with that im a homebody. But job hunting hasn't been good and it gets me depressed getting 4 interviews in and still not landing a job.

My partner is a good person there for me when needed, pays for groceries, while i cook and clean since my money is to the point im in the negative due to job issues. But his adhd and childness and complaining had driven me to the point i had a mental break in the asian market while shopping to the point I yelled at him to get on medication or im leaving you (this is the same person that hasent seen a doctor or a dentist the ENTIRE TIME we have been dating and I tell him he should to stay healthy). We can barely watch a movie together because he picks them apart and talks the entire time. I rented Gravity to watch love that movie and he walked out fot he room 5min due to it being to sci-fi and not realistic. Tried to watch other stuff sometimes he quiet other i need a water gun to spray him like a cat because Im trying to enjoy the movie and he's just griping about the mechanical workings and none realistic blah blah blah.

This is adding onto the rough romantic parts of the relationship. He has an aversion to spit and slimy things so even trying to makeout makes him gag, kissing his body, licking his sensitive areas, a blowjob he has a freak out starts to twitch then has to run tot he shower. He's been trying but the best is a 1minute makeout session before he has to punk and that with no/ little tongue. Sex is at best 5 minutes and thats if the lube dosent make him freakout. Same position on my side him griping about the blinked being in a knot because he's cold or his pants getting stuck (sleeps fully clothed and 2 heavy blankets) then bam and thats it hugs me and wants to cuddle for an hour. Or i ask him to use a toy in addition but he looses he sail and then gets frustrated about it while im just lying there trying to ignore the griping to set the mood and he's..... not helping.

Im just tired and frustrated having to be the adult. We cant play the same video game together because all he does is complain about the mechanics and its not working. He complains when its shopping day and anything more then 3 stops is too much for him. I asked him to pick up some coolwhip from the freezer section in the store and some almost extract for his icebox birthday cake because i needed a little more and he spent 20 minutes looking for it then called me and I had to instruct him on each specific location (this is the same store were in weekly btw) the list goes on.

Initially there was talk of getting married eventually and adopting and the whole family thing. But now im to were the though of breaking it off and moving in with my mother and going back to my old job is the only route I see unless he improves and its making me cry in bed at night silently that im to that point.

Im just tired and depressed and needed to vent. If you got all the way to the end thanks for reading.

So yesterday we were having fun talking about tattoos and stuff and dont even remember how it come to the subject but she said: Guys can get on me but not as tattoos. I guess i looked at her a certain way and she added: only you.. it kind of threw me off and im thinking am i too sensitive or is it not a good thing to say to your partner? i know i would never say something like that, but i cant stop thinking am i too sensitive because she is so damn devoted to me and kind and really puts effort into our relationship and is clearly very in love with me as i am with her. i need an outside perspective if this is fcked up thing to say

So I 20F have an older brother who’s 25M. He doesn’t have a job, as a matter of fact he’s never had a job in his life, he’s never been to college at all in his life, doesn’t have a license, doesn’t have any friends or acquaintances to talk to, doesn’t have a working phone number, and he doesn’t do anything except sleep, eat food that my parents make him, and stay in the house while using his phone. I on the other hand, I have work two jobs, go to university, have an apartment, drive a car, and have plenty of friends.

I also forgot to mention his hair is very nappy and unkept, and he has tons of facial hair that would make you think he’s a homeless person. He hasn’t been to the barber in over 4 years. My parents are struggling financially and my dad recently told me, that he expects me to become very successful and a doctor so I can ‘’take care of him’’ and ‘’lend him money’’. It’s gotten to a point where my parents put all their trust in me. Just for the record my brother isn’t physically nor mentally disabled, he’s mildly autistic but he’s very capable of doing things for himself and it makes me upset that he hasn’t done anything for himself since high school which was back in 2019 and my parents expect me to be nice to him.

How do I set boundaries with him? He’s always kind and nice to me, but he doesn’t really interact with me or anyone anymore. I’ve been telling him to get a job so he can earn money for himself and stop using my parent’s card to buy DoorDash. He says he will do it, but he hasn’t. He’s had a lot of bad and negative experiences with people back in high school which has caused him to be depressed and suicidal, but I feel like he’s perfectly fine now.

My girlfriend and I recently broke up after around 10 months together. This was my first serious relationship, and I'm having a difficult time figuring out how to move forward.

For several months, I felt like she was becoming increasingly distant. We spent less time together, affection decreased, and I often felt like I was the one trying to maintain our connection.

We had recurring disagreements about communication, trust, jealousy, and how much time we wanted to spend together. I recognize that I contributed to some of these problems. I sometimes became insecure, wanted too much reassurance, and struggled to give her space.

Recently, she admitted that she had been questioning whether she wanted the relationship. She explained that certain behaviours of mine had been bothering her for months, that she felt our interests didn't always align, and that some of her romantic feelings had changed.

This hurt because I had spent months wondering why she was distant without understanding what was happening.

She acknowledged that she had personal issues to work through and that she should have communicated her feelings earlier.

I decided to end the relationship because I couldn't continue feeling unwanted and uncertain.

However, I regretted the breakup almost immediately. I reached out the following morning to ask whether she thought we could work through our problems.

She said reconciliation might be possible in the future, but she didn't want to rush back into a relationship before working on herself.

She also said she loved me, didn't want to lose me, and couldn't imagine us no longer being part of each other's lives.

Now she wants us to continue talking regularly, sharing updates, hanging out occasionally, and maintaining some of our old routines. She also wants to remain affectionate in certain ways.

Essentially, she wants us to stay close without officially being together.

She says she isn't interested in dating anyone else right now, but we haven't clearly agreed on what our boundaries should be.

I'm conflicted.

Part of me wants to keep her in my life because I genuinely enjoy talking to her and care about her deeply.

But another part of me feels that continuing to act almost like a couple will make it harder to accept that we're no longer together.

I've realized that I don't want to return to our old relationship because I was emotionally exhausted by it.

At the same time, I don't want to lose someone who has been such an important part of my life.

She has already started reaching out and trying to keep our conversations normal. I've been responding, but I feel more emotionally detached than before.

I'm starting to accept that we're broken up, although I know I still have feelings for her.

My question: How do I establish healthy boundaries with an ex when we both want to remain in each other's lives, but I still have romantic feelings? Is it realistic to remain close immediately after a breakup, or would some distance be healthier?

TL;DR: My girlfriend and I broke up after 10 months because of ongoing communication problems, emotional distance, and uncertainty about the relationship. She wants us to remain close and continue many of our old routines without officially being together. I still love her but don't want the old relationship back. How do I maintain a connection without preventing myself from moving forward?

I’m not sure if this post belongs here because technically we’re not in an official relationship, but I’ll give some context:

I met this guy on a dating app in February. he sent me a super like which surprised me because I usually only get those from older men or people who know they probably wouldn’t have a chance. but he was incredibly handsome and had a unique sense of style. we hit it off instantly and talked daily. He lives a state away with extended family members and came to visit me a couple weeks after we started talking. we would talk all the time and every month when he was able to make it down we’d hang out and go on dates. He was caring and sweet, generous and thoughtful, and unlike any man I’ve met. So much gentler and sweeter, and in many ways very selfless.

about a month or two after we started talking his attitude started to change slightly. I could tell something was up but didn’t want to push it because he had told me he had some issues with his mental health and had just started a prescription for depression medication after the first time we met. Later he told me it was around that time that his dad died. in a very tragic way.

After the last time we met up in person, he retreated for a while. I think it was the first time he really truly processed and came to terms with his dad’s passing. It was right after Father’s Day. I didn’t hear from him for two weeks.

this is where it gets a little complicated. I thought he was avoiding me on purpose. And I started to move on. After all, he never asked me to be his girlfriend and I was starting to get fed up with our lack of labeling anything. We had been exclusive and he treated me well, but I wanted something solid.

After he came back he was very apologetic and explained the situation and he told me he understood if I was upset with him or wanted to move on but that I’ll still be the only one in his heart and he’s not going to talk to anyone else because he wanted to get better for me. Shortly after, he told me he loved me. He said he would understand and wouldn’t hold it against me if I dated other people because he felt bad for not being able to give me what I wanted. But he did eventually want to.

I tried dating other people in the summer. I hated it. I realized I was in love with him. And no other person could compare. I ended up confessing to him that I tried hooking up with someone else but that I regretted it. it also wasn’t a completely consensual encounter, I was under the influence. the person kept trying to break my boundaries. He wasn’t upset with me. But he was sad. I never dated anyone else after that. I said I wanted to go back to it just being us again.

Even when I’m kind of a shitty partner. He’s never judged me. He’s always understanding and kind. But I’ve done the same with him when he’s been distant or wishy washy.

time went on. I told him I loved him. His life started getting busier. But we started growing closer again.

He started being sweeter to me. Supporting my art. Sending me money. Doing little kind things for me.

I invited him to spend the few days before Halloween with me. He got really excited and said yes and we started making plans.

He’s been the sweetest he’s ever been lately. We’re picking out a couples costume. He got us some pretty expensive tickets to an event I’ve always wanted to go to. He offered to buy me some new dresses. He’s been very attentive, a little clingy, and very talkative and excited. I haven’t seen him this happy in a long time! Things are looking up.

He even sort of slipped up and implied having the boyfriend talk when we next meet.

I want to be excited but I don’t want to get my hopes up. I love him. And I want to be with him. For real.

But, I think because of my past relationship trauma, now that it’s seeming more real, I start to look for… I don’t know… evidence that he’s lying? My ex was doing a lot of shit behind my back. hanging out with his ex. watching porn. being on onlyfans. breaking our relationship boundaries. and I broke up with him (at around new years) because he tried to manipulate me into letting him sleep with other people. And I really thought things were good between us. he was hiding a bunch of shit from me.

And even though I have very little reason to worry about my current love, I can’t help it. the only sort of suspicious thing that’s happened is when we first started talking this random girl with a faceless private account reached out to me on Instagram asking if I was dating him. then she called me a bunch of harsh names. I asked him what it was about and he said he went on two dates with her a year before that didn’t go well, he broke it off, then she sent him messages and emails threats and shit until he agreed to talk to her again. But that’s all they did, really. They just talked. They didn’t meet up. They weren’t dating. I tried to get some more information out of her and she basically confirmed this. after this happened, he blocked her. After he basically told her to stop talking to him or anybody he knew. I stupidly didn’t block her at the time and later she used my dms to take her anger out and call me a whore and call me ugly and send me threats. Everything about this person screamed abusive and mentally unwell. I blocked her. I trust his telling of the situation and obviously he didn’t seem to ever really like her and she seemed insane and things ended before we ever went out.

I have no other reason to believe he’s up to anything nefarious but I just get so anxious when things are good. And things are really good right now. REALLY good. better than any time I’ve actually been in a long term fully committed relationship and I know I probably shouldn’t be upset because he’s put more effort into our relationship than I have. He’s treating me well. He loves me. Anyone who’s seen the way he talks to me says that they can feel the love in the way he talks. That it’s clear.

I even talked to some tarot readers out of anxiety and the overwhelming response I’ve gotten is, there’s nobody else, his feelings for you are true, but he is dealing with loss, work, and family trouble which may cause distance or roadblocks.

And I know probably a lot of people here think that stuff is all bs anyway.

And part of me know when I actually see him in person a lot of these feelings will be eased anyway but
If you have trauma surrounding a past relationship or insecurity, how have you eased it or dealt with it?

thank you.

I don't know how to deal with this. My girlfriend is so negative to the point where I can't praise her one bit without her listing every reason as to why her life is going to shit. She complains about everything every single day and I'm so frustrated because I try to be so positive and let her see the other side of the situation but it feels as though my efforts are a waste. I understand she's struggling, and I'm not saying I don't want her to turn to me when she's having a rough time, but it's so draining to deal with someone who refuses to give herself some grace.

I tell her she's doing a good job, I tell her she's beautiful and that I love her, but it's never enough. No matter how much reassurance I give her. It breaks my heart hearing every harsh word she says about herself because I know no matter how hard I try to fix everything going on in her life it'll never work. I just want her to take my compliments and praise and move on with her day, it's like I can't even be proud of her anymore.

I know I should have a conversation to her about It but I can't because it seems like a small thing. I don't wanna let my feelings build up suddenly and explode them at her one day and surprise her, but at the same time I know she'll dismiss me because she's just so negative about everything.

She wasn't like this before honestly like a little bit but it wasn't this bad. I've been endlessly patient I've never let her see me frustrated at her or anything and even when I was I still told her it wasn't at her. I'm the type of person to hide away when I'm upset, so I've basically only told her I'm feeling sad a handful of times when we were together.

We've never gotten into a bad argument or disagreed without finding a middle ground but this topic seems impossible to agree on simply because she won't understand that complaining about everything is so draining!! All I hear from her is one complaint after the other. I don't want her to lie to me when she feels like shit, but jeez, she won't even TRY to have a good day it seems. Maybe that's just my point of view. I'm not with her I can't see her full 24h day so I can't judge if she's trying, but all I hear from her is how terrible everything is going. It leaves me feeling helpless because I genuinely care about her and want to help but I CANT! I try to make her feel better and cheer her up but all my efforts seem like a waste. She says I'm too hopeful and positive but I'm just trying to cheer her up.

When I try to push her about her being negative she'll just say she's sorry, but I don't want her to apologise I just want her to recognise that being so pessimistic about everything will only make her more depressed. I genuinely love her from the bottom of my heart and want the best for her, but I don't know what to do. We have good days where she only complains twice and bad days where all she talks about is how terrible everything is. It gives me a sense of impending doom and that I need to immediately fix everything I can't help it. I know I'm dealing with this terribly by hiding how much it affects me to her, but I can't help it. If I have a conversation with her about it she'll dismiss me or do it again later anyways and disregarding everything I said.

I know this is a confusing read but I'm just so emotional and frustrated it's gonna be hard to understand but I'm still thankful for anyone who reads this and knows what to do or has dealt with this.

This is going to be a long post, I'm grateful to anyone who will even take the time to read it.

I (25F) have been with my husband (28M) for almost six years. Pretty early on into our relationship, I had some concerns about his family dynamic. They only seemed to bond with gossip (about each other, about family friends), and there were expectations that we showed up to every family event, which were very often. If we did not attend an event, my husband was ambushed by multiple family members. However, I knew every family had its issues, and I am not close with my extended family, so it was just different than I was used to. I completely immersed myself into his family. I saw them more than I saw my own family. I spent years building relationships with cousins, grandparents, aunts, parents, and siblings. My love language is gifts, so I gave gifts to family members a lot (his cousins, his parents, his grandparents, his sister-in-law). Still, no matter how many family gatherings we attended, when we didn't attend one, we were massively guilted. We were always expected to give a reason, and they would decide if that reason was valid.

Flash forward to when we were engaged. We both wanted to elope and throw a party after; however, we knew his family would be very upset about this. So, we decided on immediate family at the ceremony and a party afterwards. His mom stated her sisters would die if they weren't at the ceremony. So, I made a huge mistake and decided to plan a 150-person wedding to make them happy. I knew my mother-in-law felt left out of her other's son wedding, so I asked her to be the one who delivers the rings, and I invited her to every venue tour. Then her birthday came up, and we were unable to attend her birthday dinner. His dad then proceeded to come to my husband's place of work and start rattling off a long list of grievances he had against me, dating back to the very early days of our relationship. He then stated that other people feel the same way about me. My worldview was shattered. I had spent years fostering relationships with people, just to find out that the reality of them was hidden from me. I reached out to his mom and dad, asking to have a conversation, as there were issues brought up I was not aware of. His dad never responded, and his mom declined to speak with me. So, I decided I was going to have the wedding I wanted (immediate family only). I cancelled the wedding and lost the money I spent on the venue. His parents were not invited, and my husband chose not to invite his brothers. They blamed me for this decision; however, I kept asking my husband who he wanted there, and he never gave me an answer or reached out to anyone.

After this decision, everyone (extended family included) cut me off. Nobody ever spoke to me again. When we got married, they said nothing to me and only reached out to my husband to say they love him. His brothers, mom, and dad started saying I was abusive, manipulative, and twisted things I did (again, years worth of things they were keeping on a list, I guess).

I am a lot of things. I am not very friendly, I am quiet, I'm not very cool. But one thing I've always known about myself is I am very kind and I'm kind with no expectations of receiving anything in return. Ever since hearing all the things they said about me, I've completely lost my sense of self. I used to be bubbly, kind, and confident. Now I'm just a shell of myself. I'm very bitter and guarded about people. I don't know how to move forward.

So me and my bf met and started dating in 2020, broke up about three years later and talked on and off for another 2-3 years. We officially got back together almost exactly one year ago. He made a new friend while we were broken up and I just recently found out they met on grinder... I knew he downloaded grinder when we got back together but as far as i was aware he didn't like it and deleted it soon after. he says nothing happened between them but he was interested in this friend when they met. Im struggling to figure out how I feel about it all, part of me is upset but I think mostly just because he didn't tell me on his own, I also feel my trust has been a bit damaged in all of this and im struggling to not be paranoid that hes not telling me other things. He did say he wanted to tell me but didn't know how and couldn't find the right time... We've talked a few times but im just a bit lost. Im hurt but worried im overreacting, we weren't together at the time but we still talked here and there, even romantically/sexualy on occasion. I guess im just looking for an extra set of eyes on the whole situation, dont really have anyone to talk to about it in my personal life. So is it best to just move on from it? And what can I even do to properly get over it?

My boyfriend (20M) and I (21F) had a previous relationship in 2025, broke up and we got together again this year.

I've tried a few times to explain what's wrong and what we could do if he wanted, he just said 'no' to everything.

He never wants to go out (he is available and is not working), at first I thought he just didn't want to get out of his bed, which I understand because I'm as lazy as him. But he just doesn't want to see me.

When we see each other (almost never now) he's distant and cold, doesn't talk and he's upset over nothing.

He doesn't talk to me as much as before, before I had texts from him even just some reels but now I have 1 response every hour or more.

When I'm not okay he doesn't care as much as before as well, just so you know, I have to fight against my abuser in court and it's kinda hard for me lately, I just need a hug and care from him, I don't want him to do the work for me or anything special, just a hug. And he's never here.

I've tried so much to talk about it and he just ended up responding that I was blaming him and making him feel like shit.

I know he has problems too like everyone, I'm trying everything I can to help but he always pushes me away and gets upset.

Idk if it's important or not but he has an addiction to weed, and he doesn't want to stop (his words)

I don't know if it's a phase, if he doesn't care about me anymore ?

Any advice ? I'm tired and feel useless

My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months, and I feel like we’re getting to that comfortable stage of a relationship. Which is good! But I also have relationship anxiety, so naturally my brain is making it a whole thing lol.
He’s still affectionate, tells me he loves me, and we spend time together. But his texting style has changed a little. He doesn’t update me about his day as much, and sometimes I feel like I’m the one initiating plans more often.
I can’t tell if this is just what happens when the honeymoon phase wears off and you get comfortable with someone, or if he’s slowly losing interest and I’m picking up on it.
I know relationships aren’t supposed to feel brand new forever, but how do you know the difference between a relationship settling into a normal routine and someone putting in less effort?
I don’t want to need constant reassurance or overanalyze every little thing he does. I genuinely want to learn how to be secure in a relationship without convincing myself something is wrong every time the energy feels a little different.
For people who’ve been in longer relationships, did things change around this point? And for anyone with relationship anxiety, how do you handle that transition without sabotaging something good? 😭

Hey everybody so something I'm struggling with right now is my ex '26M' just hit me '26F' up after 5 years of not talking he's married with a baby now and manipulated and gas lit me into becoming an accomplice to his cheating. At this time I started using a nickname for him that to me was very significant and meant a lot to what I was hoping that title would mean for that person. We also had a way of saying I love you to each other that wasn't just 'I love you'. And now I'm feeling like I wasted those things on this person because I know there will be somebody more deserving and somebody I want to be able to say I love you in that way too somebody I want to use that same nickname for and I don't want to make them feel like they're a replacement or feeling a void because that's not the case but it makes me sad to feel like I wasted that on somebody who didn't deserve them what are your guys's thoughts and opinions? Is it okay to use those things in a new relationship after I've given some time and distance or is it something that I'll just have to live with that's been wasted?

Sorry for the grammar mistakes using talk to text lol

TDLR: I feel that I wasted things that I wanted to share with the person I'm going to be with forever on my ex.

Together 3 years, 5 years ago, spoke for a week this time.

Tw: this is about my sex life I’m sorry
Hi this is my first time posting about advice like this and I really just need help with digesting this situation and understanding how I should move forward. I 21F have been with my fiance 24m for 3 years and a month we got engaged last year. yes ik it was quick but I’ve always been an incredibly picky judge of character so I have no doubt this is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. For context I have BPD and I am not currently in therapy nor do I feel comfortable with any of my close friends to impart these delicate details with that I don’t think it would affect their relationship with my fiance, so I have just been crying and trying to think about solutions myself which all are starting to be very self destructive and destructive of my relationship which I hold very dear.
My fiance has I used to have a very good intimate life When we first met, ofc I was 18/19 and he was 21. But about a year in I noticed his libido take a nose dive and our intimate moments became quick and lack luster when they did happen. I confronted him about watching porn, I never had a problem with porn but he had told me of his own accord he didn’t watch it, he admitted he’d been consuming that content almost daily which was leaving him pretty uninterested in me. It was probably the biggest heartbreak I’d ever experienced at that point in my life because I’ve truly never felt the way I’ve felt about anyone like I have my fiance, I was genuinely cheated once and I was mad for a few days before I started hanging out with a new fling.
I wanted to leave him but I ended up staying. But I truly think his actions hurt him, maybe not as much as I hurt but I trusted he’d never hurt me like that again. He is a deeply shameful person imo and gets embarrassed incredibly easy so seeing the pain he’d caused him I swear I saw something fracture in him that day.
Our sex life ended improving after he cut porn out but there was still something missing. I had also gotten off birth control and an antidepressant with a pretty heavy weight gain side effect that I was on for the entire first part of our relationship, then I got sick and lost nearly 40 lbs. I’m now a good 110 on a good day, size 00. I had fallen in love with my larger body, growing up I was always extremely thin and picked on for it, but I had gotten on the medications (that no longer work for me) and ended up with a womanly figure. And when I lost it I was absolutely devastated.
I felt like I could tell when we were being intimate that he wanted to grab more than I had to offer. I felt like he looked at my body less, he touched me less when we weren’t being intimate. This has been the norm for the last year.
I am very obnoxious and definitely an over communicator. I told him I saw it. I told him I was fed up with the fact our sex life revolves around him and he was a selfish lover. I told him he didn’t make me feel wanted or seen. He told me he was sorry and he would work on it and he wanted to make me feel loved because he loves me more than anything just just struggles to express himself. He had a very conservative upbringing with stifling parents that made him feel like every thought or opinion he had was irrelevant, and I grew up with a mother who wanted to raise a rebel leader.(she got an overly critical overly emotional confrontational brat and I’m aware and I try my hardest to hold it in always)
This has been a fight we’ve had over and over with slight differences for over a year. And last night he had rejected me after spending all day playing video games, which I was too until I wanted to get off and spend a little one on one time with him. So I was upset and he could tell, so he offered to get off and just lay in bed with me. We ended up getting into it again, while laying in bed.
Our fights are more like me telling him all the negative thoughts swimming in my head him telling me he’s sorry he hasn’t done better to help me not think that and then I cry it out and he holds me.
But last night just as I was falling asleep he told me he missed when I had more meat on my bones. I was floored. I locked myself in the bathroom freaking out trying to get away from him at 2 in the morning.
He’s spent the entirety of today apologizing telling me he wishes he never said it and it wasn’t even completely true, which I don’t believe but that’s not important.
I know he loves me, he takes incredible care of me and does everything I ask of him. He simply doesn’t make me feel desired nor does he go out of his way to please me in bed unless I throw a fit for it.
Overall I think I just need advice on how to broach this situation so it doesn’t end up with me hating myself any more than I do now.

Greetings Reddit.

Forgive me if this is verbose, and, if you read it and have any advice to offer, thank you.

Here's my situation: My girlfriend and I met three years ago, and on the first day we met, she told me "I want to move to Australia soon." I said, "Cool!" I liked this girl but also, we'd just met and if her plans were to move away, then who was I to offer any sentiment other than encouragement for her to make her dreams a reality. Australia was not ever my dream.

Then we fell in love.

As the years have gone by, she and I have been through so much life together – our lowest moments, caring for one another through pain, adventuring together, laughing together... We really do love each other most.

Her plans to move were essentially postponed because of work/career opportunities and also because of me and our relationship. During that time, we've spoken about how her ultimate goal hasn't changed, but that things are obviously more complicated now because of our relationship and what it could mean for "us" if she has an opportunity to move there. I didn't ignore her or hope she'd change her mind. I knew there'd be a day where we'd have to, with some urgency, determine how these two pieces of our world would play out.

She sat me down a few days ago and told me that she'd received an offer to work in Australia, and would be moving in roughly 80 days. Almost as if I'd been told a family member had passed, I was struck with grief. Through tears, I congratulated her and told her how proud I was of her, but we both cried that night because now our future is uncertain and we can't pretend otherwise. She made it clear to me that "we will figure this out together", and if I should choose to do so, she would love for me to come on this new adventure with her.

I feel like no matter what I choose, something in my life dies.

I've been working so, so hard for the last two years in my career. I live in the place I once dreamed of moving to. I have amazing friends and a beautiful life with much to be thankful for. If I move to Australia, I leave behind everything I love other than my partner. If I stay, my partner moves on without me.

If she leaves and I stay, do we try distance? Do we go back to being "just friends" and move on romantically? Can I handle the regret either way?

I'm not sure what to do... we're both young, but not getting younger. There's a piece of me that worries that, by moving with her, I'm forsaking so much of what I love in life for a relationship that may not be my last one. I find myself questioning our longevity, but not for any reason in particular other than this sense of fear I have after seeing so many partnerships fail around me. We don't fight or argue. Our relationship is healthy. We communicate well.... I struggle to find fault or friction in the years we've spent together.

I feel so guilty about my own uncertainties. I've lived as if I can refrain from sabotaging my own future by NOT addressing the elephants in the room for as long as possible, because to do so could be to risk my most important relationship, friendship, and partnership. To address my uncertainties, as I have felt, could also risk damage to this person I love so much, and who I don't want to cause pain, or to make her feel like she's not enough.

I've only ever been in two long term relationships, and this one is far better than the first, but I do question if there's a stronger companion out there for me... but if there were, what would materially be different? How would I hope someone else treat me better than my current partner?

I'm like that otter that has all the marbles trying to keep all the marbles in its arms but to reach for the ones rolling away is to let go of the ones it has already. If you haven't seen that, you should look it up it's very cute. No matter how hard I try, I can't hold on to everything, and change will happen in my life whether or not I choose it. But I will have to make a choice, and soon.

If I choose to go with her, I leave behind all my friends, my career trajectory, a job I love and am very good at, hobbies and dreams. If I go, I worry I'll feel trapped in a life I chose but didn't actually want.

If I stay, I fear I'll look at what I held onto and forever regret what I let slip away.

I know there's "time" – about two and half months of it – before things change forever, but if my choice is to move with her, there's so much logistics I have to do in order to make that happen, and that alone will take up most of the time that's left. That's another mountain to climb.

If you have any thoughts or questions, feel free to ask. I'm happy to add context.

TLDR: Do I move with my girlfriend or do I let our paths naturally divert?

I (24F) feel addicted to a guy (26M). We have known each other a year and a half. We have been sexually and romantically involved for a little over a year. We met during an internship but have been living apart in separate states since it ended in January.

He’s still in college in his state, so I would have to turn down a good job offer and move away from all my friends and family to be with him. If it were a perfect relationship, I would. However, it is far from perfect. He has done things with other women that have hurt me and broken my trust. We also have compatibility issues such as that he eventually wants children and dogs. I don’t want either. There’s also a certain sexual act that I don’t want to try, but he brings it up often to the point that it makes me uncomfortable. I wish things could be different, but I’m holding on to a fantasy.

I have tried to break things off, but it doesn’t last long. We still love each other so much, and he’s the person I look to for comfort even when he’s contributing to the pain. I miss him all the time when I try to go even a day not talking. I’m ADHD, so I suspect brain chemicals like dopamine may play a role.
He does not want to lose me but says he will support me however I need even if that means giving me space or going no contact. I don’t have the desire or willpower to just block him and never speak to him again though. I know it will be incredibly painful and leave a big hole in my daily life. I feel trapped in a cage of my own making. Is there any hope for remaining friends and gradually decreasing contact instead of going cold turkey? Maybe a type of science backed method that works for dopamine addictions? Or do I just sound totally ridiculous? Any advice is appreciated.

TLDR: I (24F) need to break up with someone (26M) due to incompatibility, but I don’t want to go no contact because I still love him and cherish our friendship. How do I move on?

Throwaway account for a reason :

I (22F) have been with my boyfriend (22M) for 6 months, and we live together. I genuinely think he's an amazing partner, and this is the first time I've ever suspected him of possibly cheating.

Two weeks ago, he went on a mountain trip with a friend and met a girl there. Last Sunday, he went to a mall and told me he was with three other people, including her.

His phone was switched off, and his mom was trying to reach him through his friends. One of his friends called me and said his father hadn't allowed him to go out that day. This confused me because my boyfriend had said he was at the mall with his friends. I started wondering whether his friends were actually there or whether he'd gone alone with the girl. My boyfriend later said his friends were pranking me.

We talked around midnight that Sunday, and I felt a little calmer, but my doubts never went away. I repeatedly asked whether he was in contact with her, and he laughed and said no.

Today, I noticed she'd accepted his Spotify Blend request at around 1 AM, after our conversation around midnight. He said she'd texted him after our conversation and that he shared the link because she asked for it. I don't know exactly when he sent it, but the timing made me uncomfortable.

He's also become more reluctant to show me his phone screen, removed his WhatsApp and email sync from his PC while away from home, and said he hadn't taken any photos that Sunday despite loving photography. I know these things aren't proof of cheating, but together they're making me question things.

When I bring up my concerns, he gets defensive and has called me stupid and dumb. He says his friends were pranking me and that I don't trust him.

I struggle with anxiety and ADHD, and lately I've been overthinking everything, crying, and feeling terrified of losing him. I can't tell whether my anxiety is making me connect unrelated details or whether my gut is picking up on something real. I don't want to accuse him without proof, but I also can't seem to calm myself down or stop replaying everything in my head.

How do I handle this anxiety while figuring out whether I can trust him? How do I stop obsessing over every detail without ignoring possible red flags? I'd really appreciate advice from anyone who's been through something similar.

For some context, I recently got out of a relationship with someone I genuinely loved. The cheating was ultimately too much for me, and I couldn’t continue the relationship after that.

My FWB knew about what happened and knew how badly it affected me.

Somewhere along the way, he and I started talking about relationships, what makes them work, what people should expect from their partners, communication, emotional needs, etc. And honestly, I felt understood in a way I don’t think I’ve ever experienced before.
We could talk about what a healthy relationship should look like, what we value in people, and what we think partners owe each other emotionally. Those conversations felt surprisingly meaningful to me.
But here’s the confusing part: I don’t think I’m in love with him. At least, I don’t think I am.

I think he’s a great person and a great friend, and I think he sees me similarly. I genuinely value the connection we have, and I don’t necessarily want him to be my boyfriend. I can appreciate someone, feel close to them, and enjoy their company without wanting a relationship with them.
However, our actual FWB dynamic has been confusing.
I’ve felt like I’ve been initiating more and putting more effort into seeing him. There have been situations where plans became uncertain or got cancelled, and I’ve ended up feeling like I care more about spending time together than he does. I’ve even found myself waiting around for him, which made me feel pretty stupid afterwards.
At one point, I was so upset after we had sex that I cried. He told me he thought I’d misunderstood our equation.
He’s also said that he isn’t looking to date and that we aren’t compatible. More recently, things reached a point where he said he didn’t want to talk to me anymore.
I know he’s allowed to want something casual. I’m not expecting him to become my boyfriend, and I’m not trying to convince him to want something he doesn’t want.

But I can’t reconcile how understood I felt during our conversations with how confusing the actual dynamic has become.
He can be avoidant, and I don’t know how much of this is simply his way of handling emotional situations, how much is him not being that invested in me, or whether I’m trying to make sense of something that really isn’t that deep to him.
I also wonder whether getting out of a relationship where I was betrayed has affected how I experience this connection. Maybe feeling understood by another man after that experience meant more to me than I realised. Maybe I valued the friendship and emotional connection so much that I struggled when his actions didn’t seem consistent with it.

But I don’t want to automatically label myself as someone who caught feelings just because I wanted consideration from someone I was sleeping with.

I don’t think I love him. I think I care about him, respect him, and genuinely enjoy who he is as a person. I thought we were friends, too.

And I guess that’s why this hurts and confuses me. I don’t necessarily feel like I’ve lost a potential boyfriend. I feel like I’ve lost, or am losing, a connection with someone I thought understood me.

I’m not looking for advice on how to get him to date me. I don’t think that’s what I want from him.

I’m just genuinely confused about how someone can make you feel so understood in conversations and yet leave you feeling so uncertain about where you stand with them.
Maybe the answer is that the emotional connection was real, but it didn’t mean we were capable of having a healthy FWB arrangement. I don’t know.

I’d really appreciate honest perspectives, especially from people who’ve experienced something similar.

TL;DR: 22F, recently out of a relationship involving cheating. My FWB and I bonded over deep conversations, and I felt genuinely understood by him. I don't think I'm in love with him, but his inconsistency and decision to stop talking to me have hurt. How do I make sense of an emotionally meaningful connection that didn't work in practice?

Hey everyone, throwaway post as my partner uses reddit.

I 21F, have been in a relationship with my boyfriend 22M for almost three years. He is an amazing partner, and we have even discussed getting married and future plans. He is even coming with me for a family trip next year.

Last night when he was in the bathroom, i went onto his phone onto reddit to read those stories you always see people reacting to.

However, as soon as i opened the app, there were posts of OF models, and i was shocked. I had never used reddit before so i thought it might just be like twitter where random things show up.

Then i looked at his account. He had replied to a post. It was an OF post. at first i thought it may have been from before we were together, but it said it was from LAST MONTH. He had also dm’d one of these posters, in November last year.

Please note i have been LIVING WITH HIM since July, and we have been together since 2024.

I was shocked and felt my stomach sink. i immediately put the phone down and acted like i hadn’t seen anything.

I have had medical issues my whole life, which does affect our intimacy, but he has always been understanding if i was in too much pain or too lethargic.

I really don’t know what to do now. He is my best frien, and i moved 7 hours away from my family to live with him. Do i confront him? but what if he gets upset i went through his phone.

I really don’t know what to do.