i'm a single mom and i felt like it's my fault she died

my daughter died because of pneumonia, due to financial incapacity i wasn't able to get her checked immediately.

now i blame myself everyday for her loss, i still can't accept it. i failed as a mom, i hope i die soon while i sleep

she died when i was barely six years old. im turning 15 soon and i just need my mum. everything hurts. i can’t go the rest of my life without her here. i hate cancer

My dad who was battling stage four lung cancer that was metastasized died last night. I was there when he died, I saw his lips pale and through the day I kept counting how long he would go without his chest rising and when he passed it went to 90 secs before I called a nurse and he pronounced him dead at 10:30 and I just fell in the ground and cried. It is currently 5am and I haven’t gotten any sleep and every time I close my eyes I see his face when he passed and it’s devastating and soul crushing. We only found out about the cancer last month and he also had birthday three weeks ago. I’m only 30 and his youngest daughter and my mom and I were his caretakers and I saw the decline but it absolutely didn’t prepare me for this. Idk when I’ll be able to sleep without seeing his face and I took off work indefinitely so now I just wanna be in my room and cry day and night but also trying to be there for my mom who cries so hard bc they were together 50 years and we’re best friends. I feel like my life is just never gonna be the same

My husband Jim's (33) father Scott (58) died suddenly (within a few days) after finding out about a sudden health issue. Doctors thought he would be fine and suggested additional testing, but he died shortly after. My husband saw paramedics work on him and it really messed him up. His dad was otherwise healthy so it was very unexpected. This happened a few months ago. He talked to his dad all the time and visited often.

We have a toddler and we both work full time at the same company, but different locations. He did not get much time off for bereavement, which I know most people dont. For about a year before his father died, he has spent several hours being active at the gym, rock climbing, and running, upwards of 20+ hours a week. He also spent time with friends during the week outside of this. I have been the main person taking care of our child other than my aunt who takes over when I am working.

Since his father died, these activities have only increased and new ones have been added. He is also talking about wanting to be in a new career and us move. He has started going to grief groups once a week, but has not committed to therapy. I found out a few weeks ago that he started an affair. She is 15 years older than me which... definitely threw me off. He has since ended the affair and said he was looking for the nuturing attention that you would get from a parent and it was not about sex or me personally. He said he did not have sex with her, but there was kissing, outings, and photo exchanges. He also had several phone calls.

My husband also started smoking. I absolutely detest this habit and every time I see him do it, it makes me think of his affair. Not sure why the smoking has linked up to that, but here we are.

The last thing is, his attitude has been something else. I dont expect him to be happy go lucky or anything, but its been hard. He has expressed that he only feels intense anger. He doesnt feel any joy or love for anything. He knows he has love, just doesnt feel it. He doesnt care about anything (his words) and cant stand to be around loud noises and chaos. He also can't sleep because he sees his father dying over and over again. Most of the time when he's home, hes just quietly sitting on his phone then needs quiet time alone. I respect this and give it. He told me even being touched is too much sometimes so I try to limit that and ask beforehand.

I want to know, has anyone gone through something like this as a spouse or even being the person who experienced the loss? I love my husband and want to help desperately. I have asked him to go to individual therapy and he seems resistant. He gets annoyed because I bring it up often. I did offer him a few names for virtual therapy and even offered to make his appointment.

I need support too. Im struggling because I feel like the life I knew and understood, and the husband I had, died with his dad in a way. His schedule was already hard on us before this. He is not open to changes on that right now and I get that. That can be a later topic. I just need him to take care of himself. He isnt doing that. He is even taking part in activities his doctor told him not to. He said he doesnt care about his wellbeing. He has made it very clear he is not suicidal. He just doesnt feel anything about risks right now. Or anything he used to enjoy. He just has no joy for anything. He is always trying to keep himself from flying off the handle. He also says everything he has to do is overwhelming and therapy just adds more.

I dont know what to do and I really want to hear from people who have dealt with grief like this. I do have plans to start individual therapy too. It just also helps to talk this out with someone else. I cant drive and I have no friends. I also dont have any family who could remain unbiased.

Edit: he has told me he still loves me and wants the marriage to work

Edit 2: he has lashed out verbally at me on several occasions. This includes when I would have emotional reactions to his anger or his affair. He has apologized sometimes, but not always. He has never been a danger to me or anyone else. He has told me to get ready for more anger and frustration as hard times come around like holidays or just bad days. Before all of this, he never did that.

My dad died a little more than 3 months ago. I (21F) am just filled with regret tonight, as with most nights, but tonight especially. On our last trip together last December, i just remember not spending enough time with him, and being angry at him constantly. He had a weak heart and overall weak body as he had to do dialysis and other things, and understandably this made him easily irritable. However, I would get mad back at him, and the whole trip i was internally blaming him for letting himself get that point of unhealthiness. I tried my best not to show it but just knowing i thought it kills me now. I remember on the flight back home, i still had this internal anger, yet a little voice was telling me that i should try not to be because what if this was the last time we can travel together? But no matter what, i just could not shake it off. I knew i would regret it but still here i am. Why was I not more understanding of his suffering? Last year i also moved into my dorm, and as such i didn’t get to spend much time with him nor my family, and he would call me often but I would only pick up occasionally when I was free, but not nearly enough. I see our WhatsApp chats and I hate myself, so I just don’t allow myself to open it anymore. I’ve never verbalised these regrets because I feel so so terrible, I feel so bad and if someone tells me it’s my fault I feel like I’ll just break down. Everyday is just another day of struggling to finish my uni assignments, club committee responsibilities, pretending that losing my dad has not fundamentally changed me into someone I don’t know anymore, and not falling apart from grief. Wish you could’ve stayed longer dad:(

I really wish so badly that my mom had a better life while she was on this earth, I wish she never had to go through hardships and all the heartbreak she did, I wish we were smarter and realized its also her first time living and being a mom. I just wish I could tell her how sorry I am, I wish I could've made her life better while she was still here. Theres so much I wish I could've done.

I don't know if its right I'm putting this out here but mygod. I literally don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do with my hands. I don't know what I'm gonna do next. Do I pick up the cup? Do I put my hands on my head. I don't know what to do with my feet, my eyes. HOW DO YOU BREATHE?!?!? I catch myself skipping breaths. How does the earth expect I move on from this loss? How is the sun rising and setting when it just lost someone? How is the world spinning madly on. I'm sane enough to know that people lose people all the time, but where do all these feelings go? I feel like digging the dirt sometimes. Its mildly comforting to hear about heaven, but sometimes I honestly just wanna crawl into the dirt really. I refuse to believe that they just become bubbles. One day they're here and the next they're just air.

My childhood friend died yesterday...from intestinal cancer..she was barely 18, she was so optimistic about life and Always eager to learn more....how can god do this...why...her mom already cured from cancer....how can they handle this pain....

Although we grew a bit apart after COVID because our classes changed, and we used always fight during childhood like this once we didn't talk to her for months because of something bad she did with some other frnd, butt also shared so many great memories, like doing a skits, making drawings, she loved to paint....

I tell my parents that i don't remember most of the childhood, but I do remember it, in almost every childhood memory of me being with my friends she's always there.

After COVID, she became more like a background character for me...as i mentioned our classes were different from then.

Then came 11th-12th, we have this huge entrance exam for math students for which students often go to a place called kota, a study hub.

She went there...but she came back in 12th ending...she came back home...we thought It might be because of her mother had bad health too...when she came back from kota sr came at my home, i was asleep...my mom woke me up , i was shocked to see her, i hug her, i tell her she looks pretty, we were smiling, then she went back.

Months later, every friend is now back home, we sed to hang during evening, but she didn't come most of the time, we were going to do karaoke once, she showed up finally, we saw her neck , clearly some glue residue visible, at that time we all knew she was going through some illness but didn't knew what it was or how serious, we asked her what it was, she said it was caused by a nail, we didn't question her but we knew it was not a nail. I think later we got to know it was cancer but still not sure.

But on Janmashtami iwas with my parents, i saw her....i saw how things she was...how hollow her cheeks were, i could almost see her trachea, she came up to me when i was in line for prasad for 10 seconds, i was in shock and didnt ask her anything about her appearance, later i tell my friends, from next day we tried to meet her, but her mom always picked up and said she was sleeping. She didn't reply to texts as well, there was no contact, my dad said it's ok...if she doesn't want to meet..don't ...now maintain your distance...cause you would only get hurt if u get attached more..

2 months later, my dad tells me my mother asked him not to tell me but that my friend has intestinal cancer...last stage...she have less chances of surviving, she was taken to hospital and got some surgery, i went to pray to god immediately, calling my other friend...

She survived almost 20 days i guess....then yesterday i got to know she died in morning....i was in shock, shivering...

I tell my father, he was shocked and on verge of tears too...today was her funeral...i didn't go...i just couldn't...i couldn't see her weak fragile lying dead, idk how to react in front of my family...i say we grew apart and now we can't do anything ,but I am sad since I heard the news, it's Navratri now...my mom takes me to garba, and i can't fight with her about not going cause if she asks reason i won't be able to tell her how it's bugging my mind...i don't show my emotional side to my family, maybe because if i cry they'll cry too...so i go anyway...now I am crying in my bed... thinking why did universe did it, WHY. Is god real? Is anything real? SHE WAS BARELY 18.....i can't stop thinking about her..

I don’t know how to start this off.. I don’t know if I’m asking for advice or if I just need to get this off my chest. I keep waiting for the mornings to get better. This morning I am particularly struggling. Last night I kept picturing him walking in through my front door. I’m supposed to be building our son’s crib today. All I can think about is how we would’ve been doing it together.. I know he’s gone. I’m not in denial but I am full of guilt for everything. Everyone keeps saying that he was in love with me. I made his life better. And that he battled these struggles for a long time as if I should take comfort in that.. but I saw the hope in his eyes. I saw him happy, I saw him changing for the better, I saw him falling in love with life itself and his hobbies again. He was so excited for the arrival of our son. He talked about getting married the same week it happened not just to me but to his family. Hearing all that said makes me hate myself. I wanted all those joys too without a doubt, I told him it could be a ring pop and I would still say yes. So why did I say those terrible things to him? I keep replaying all that I said. I was just so hurt and tired of my efforts being misunderstood. I kept apologizing and asking if he needed comfort? Reassurance? Solutions? If he just needed me to sit there and listen? I couldn’t understand why it went up in flames so fast. He sounded so sweet over the phone but it shifted when I came home. I usually am the more calm and collected one. I used to take on more of the ugly because I knew the anger he felt was a mask for the pain he was feeling. I wish I kept my mouth shut and maybe he would still be here and I wouldn’t be writing about how I lost my son’s dad. We had an argument before he left. His last words were “I can’t live like this anymore”… As upset as I was I tried to stop him from leaving I grabbed onto him tight as he tried going out the door. I held his waist and I was begging him. I blame myself for not holding back my frustrations, for not watching my tongue, for not fighting harder to make him stay or following him. Instead when I got pushed to the ground the wind got knocked out of me. I hate that I didn’t just get up and run after him. But instead I held my son in my stomach and cried. I shut the door. A part of me wanted to call and blow up his phone. Another part of me wanted to call the cops. But instead I chose to give him space. Thinking I’ll give it time to simmer down and I will apologize.. that time never came. Instead I got a call, I’ll never forget what his dad said. It will forever haunt me. I feel like I will be going to hell for all this. I should’ve known so much better. Life is so hard, I don’t know what to tell my son when he’s older. I don’t even know how I’m going to do this on my own.. but I am trying everyday I hope my son knows that I love him more than I could ever possibly put into words so that is why I am doing all this. I feel like I can’t stomach this guilt but my responsibilities are much bigger. That day I met 4 cops, I gave them my statement. I begged to see him and they told me that they couldn’t let me do that. I didn’t see him but I saw his vehicle and I immediately understood why I wasn’t allowed to see him. I even had one of the cops reach out personally he told me that if I really felt guilty and wanted to make things right then I need to stay for our son because it’s what my partner would’ve wanted. So I am trying, so far it hasn’t been easy. Going to these appointments alone, everyone looks so sad to see me, I feel like I can’t face any of his family. I don’t know how to face my own son. I keep talking to our son through my stomach telling him we’ll be okay that I will carry him throughout navigating his life.
I feel like a shit mom already, thinking about how my baby is feeling everything I am feeling. I don’t know what to do anymore. Am I doing this right? I don’t want to be a parent consumed by grief but I feel like it has its claws deep in the roots of me. I can still rationalize what I need to do and how I need to do it but all this pain I don’t know what to do with. I should’ve done more for my partner. I should’ve done more for our son. I should’ve done more for our family. I think this will be with me for the rest of my life and I fear that in time it will only get more heavier. I don’t know what to do.

My mother had stage 4 ovarian cancer she died 5 months ago I was the one who pronounced her dead i was the one who suggested her to get her swollen leg checked i was there for her chemos her surgery the vomiting all the pain she endured I was all the time with her i was her nurse her caretaker her entertainer her personal standup comedian i was her therapist i was her protector even though she wasn't much involved in my life yet i gave all I had because I just loved My momma alot I hope one day I'll get to feel her love and I did but it was too late it was only starting to get better i needed more love from her i wanted more love from her all the screaming all the manipulation gaslighting I survived by her i wanted reward i just wanted her to love me for little bit more. How do I survive that I'll never be loved ever again?

She visits me in my dream but then I wake up and it's horrible Horrible idk how to make sense of it?

my dad died almost 2 months ago by suicide, he hanged himself. im 19 and have been dealing with depression for about 5 years, recently i got diagnosed with autism. we talked about the pills i take and the things i struggle with. i had a few suicide attempts before and he was the only one who knew about them. i thought we had each others backs. turns out he never told me nor my mom (they are divorced and i live with her) about his apparent depression and visits to the psychiatrist. im heartbroken and honestly idk if i can ever go back to how stuff were before.

i called the suicide hotline about 2 hours ago because i was in a crisis. i don’t know if this is the right channel to talk about this, but i have no energy left to look for help anywhere else. i don’t know if i can go on any longer. even though our contact wasn’t the best, i miss him so bad. i don’t have a father around me anymore. i had to delete tiktok and limit instagram use because every time someone mentions their dad i just start crying.

i keep thinking about what i did in life to deserve such fate. i don’t think i was ever a bad person. i don’t understand why this happened to me.

To preface, I lost my mom to a very sudden blood clot on September 26th. I was at college (which is only 30 minutes from my childhood home in Ohio) when I got a panicked call from my dad. He held her as she passed and we got the official news at the hospital. We finally had her funeral yesterday in North Carolina, her home state. She had an open casket and she was so pretty.

I am only 20 and currently in the busiest month of the semester at school. I have concerts, competitions, and more coming up in this month alone. I have had to take this week off from school but I’m glad I’m with my family. Next week, I have a medical procedure that I’ll have to miss 3 more days of class for which has been planned for many months (I have also suffered from blood clots and scarring and am on oxygen as a junior in college). I am only behind on one assignment but behind on planning for everything else.

My teachers have been understanding but I have always been a 4.0 student that does all of her work days in advance. I also don’t miss class unless I literally can’t move. This past Monday, I had my first ever panic attack and it felt like a heart attack so I went to the er. They kept me there for 6 hours so I missed more class. I have anxiety but have never had a panic attack that bad, especially when I was sitting in class completely calm.

I simply wonder: how do I stop feeling so crazy? I have always been a good student and suddenly have no motivation to practice my music (I’m a music ed major and am involved in many performances) or do assignments. I am forgetting basic things and things I usually am able to remember with 0 issue. I also, typically, attend class like clockwork.

My teachers are very kind but I have been hurting my choir performance as I had a solo scheduled for next Friday. My choir teacher is being gracious and allowing me to still perform half of it but having someone else do the rest. It feels a bit pitiful and I am (obviously) disappointed in myself for all of this. I keep thinking if I had not ‘wasted’ Monday that I would be ahead still. I keep being told that I need to give myself grace but it feels impossible when other people are relying on me to be on top of everything.

I have never been closer to anyone than my mom. She was everything to me. We talked every single day and I am dealing with the guilt that I could have forced her to go to the hospital when she was having a hard time breathing. Hindsight is 20/20, of course, but it is so hard. There is a giant black hole in my heart as well as my dad and sisters. She was our rock as a family and was the glue that kept us together. We are all very close but it will never be the same.

Once again, I wonder if there is any way to stop feeling crazy and like a mess? I feel like I’m acting the complete opposite of myself and it is freaking me out. Is this common? I want to be able to succeed at school and keep a good reputation with all of my professors while this is happening. It is so very hard, especially since I thought I’d have my mom for at least 50 years and I only got her for 20.

My mom went into the hospital in early 2024 for a gallbladder operation, caught COVID, ended up in the ICU for months, turned septic, and died on March 7. It was very fast and traumatic, and we were not expecting her to die. A few months later my father announced he was dating a woman (let’s call her Sally). We thought it was quick and a little odd, but decided to go with it. On Christmas 2025, I discovered that they’d been having an affair for years before my mom passed. I don’t know if my mother knew or not. Sally has since moved into the house and erased any presence of my mother. My father does not like us to mention our mom, because he feels it’s a slight to Sally. He hasn’t even put my mother’s name on her gravestone, and it’s been 2.5 years. God forbid one of us cries in front of him. He gets mad or tunes it out. It kills me to see Sally with my niece and nephew, who will not remember my mother (more so because we never talk about her). Sally also likes to tell me about sex with my dad, which feels inappropriate and just makes me sad.

I want my dad to be happy. I forgave his affair. I’m very nice to Sally. I have to be or I will lose my father, too. I just want to honor my mother, when it feels like her death is the best thing to happen to the two of them and they are in constant celebration mode. It feels like life took my mom away, and then they are further stealing her from us and she’s disappearing more and more. It makes the grief hit so hard. I can only do the bare minimum each day and cry all the time. It’ll be 951 days today since she died. My sister has been the opposite of me, and not as accepting of Sally, and my dad will not forgive her for it because “Sally is such a nice woman.” 

I miss talking to my mom multiple times a day. Discussing British mysteries with her. Hearing her thoughts on politics. I want to be able to grieve her openly, so maybe the pain will ease a little in time. Or maybe it won’t and I’m just blaming them for my own failure to move on. I want to scream for help. I don’t even know what to title this post. I just want my mom.

On October 24th it will be one year ago that my mom passed away.
The year went by extremely fast and i can’t believe she’s been gone for a year now.
I miss her so much, I’m 23 and I just need my mommy.

I just can’t believe I have to spend more time without my mom in my life then i spend with her.

​

Yesterday, I lost my little girl, Chintu. She was only 10 months old.

I'm struggling to even put what happened into words. She was attacked by a dog and suffered a spinal injury. Her X-ray showed a fracture in the fourth lumbar vertebra and compression of the spinal cord around the fracture. One of her hind legs wasn't working, and she was having trouble urinating. We were told to manage her conservatively because surgery wasn't an option.

The hours that followed were terrifying. I kept looking for ways to help her, worrying about her pain, her bladder, whether she would ever walk again, and whether she would be okay. She had even started eating again at one point, and there were moments when she was responsive and looked at me.

Then yesterday, we took her to the vet. She was still with us. I remember her being happy and purring before we went. That memory is haunting me now because I keep wishing I could go back to that moment.

During the visit, the vet pressed her abdomen. She started vomiting, then began having jerking movements, and she passed away.

I don't know exactly what happened medically, and not knowing is eating me alive. Part of me keeps thinking that the vet killed her. Another part wonders whether she was already too badly injured and whether there was anything anyone could have done. I don't know if she was suffering, whether she could have recovered, or whether her death spared her from a life of pain. I keep searching for answers that I might never get.

And then there's the guilt.

I keep going back to the circumstances of the accident and wondering what I could have done differently. I keep replaying the vet visit, wondering if I should have done something differently there, too. I know I was trying to help her, but emotionally, it feels like I failed the little creature who depended on me.

She was just a baby. She had so much life left to live.

This morning, she was the first thing on my mind when I woke up. I think my brain still expects her to be here. Then I remember, all over again, that she's gone.

I miss her terribly. I miss knowing she was somewhere in the house. I miss the thought that I still had time with her. I would give anything to have one ordinary day with her again, even if all she did was sit beside me and purr.

I have so many conflicting feelings. I feel devastated that she's gone, guilty about what happened, angry that this happened to her, and sometimes relieved at the thought that she might no longer be suffering. Then I feel guilty for even feeling that relief.

I don't know how to live with the uncertainty surrounding her last moments. I don't know how to forgive myself for the things I keep imagining I should have done differently.

If you've lost a pet in a traumatic or sudden way, especially when you were trying to save them, how did you cope with the guilt and the memories of their final hours?

I don't need anyone to tell me that everything happens for a reason. I just want to know if this feeling ever becomes bearable, and whether it's possible to remember them without reliving the way they died.

Chintu, you were only ten months old. I'm so sorry, my little girl. I wish I could have brought you home.

tomorrow is my mom’s birthday. the first one since she died five months ago. i can’t believe it’s been that long since i’ve seen her. it still feels very unreal.

my plan is to get a slice of cake from her favorite bakery in the city (veniero’s strawberry shortcake, if anyone was interested) and watch her favorite movie, the blues brothers. we used to always recite the lines from it, even when it was probably age-inappropriate for me lol.

i’m anxious. my emotions have been very up and down. some days i’ll think about her every few minutes. sometimes once an hour. sometimes only once a day. today has been a day where she’s been at the absolute forefront of my mind, and i feel so heavy. physically heavy, like thoughts of her and her not being here are weighing my body down. and sometimes i won’t think of her too much. or i’ll push the thought out of my mind before it takes root.

i think i worry that tomorrow i’ll be either numb or immobile with grief. it’s her birthday. i kept wanting to take her out to dinner, but that last year she was always so sick. i thought i had more time. feels naive now. i’m just anxious in general. i wish i could fast forward to a time where things are easier. but i’m quickly realizing that it won’t.

today i was making coffee, pouring in the creamer. i remembered my dad would use so much creamer, his coffee would turn light beige. also, he had a full cup in the morning and a half cup at 3 pm. remembering his coffee routine made me smile.

how did your loved one like their coffee?

I don’t really know where to start, but I think I just need to get this out somewhere.
I lost my dad on January 10, 2025, and my grandma a few months later, on April 26. Losing them both in such a short amount of time changed something in me, and I don’t think I’ve fully processed either loss.
The hardest part is that I feel like I’ve been grieving silently. Life doesn’t stop just because you lose people you love. I’m still a mom, I’m still in school, I still have responsibilities, and there are still people who need me. So I get up, take care of my daughter, go to class, do what needs to be done, and keep going. From the outside, I’m sure it looks like I’m doing okay most days.
But some days, I’m really not.
My relationship with my dad was complicated. I loved him, but there were things I wish had been different. I wish he had shown up for me when I needed him, not just when my mom was there. There were things left unsaid, moments I wish we could have had, and words I wish I had said more often. Losing him means grieving the dad I had, but also grieving some of the things I wish our relationship could have been.
And that is such a difficult kind of grief to explain to people. You can love someone deeply and still have hurt from the relationship you had with them. You can miss someone and still wish things had been different. Both feelings can exist at the same time.
Then there’s my grandma. I miss the little things. Baking, sewing, shopping, and all those ordinary moments that didn’t seem extraordinary until I realized I couldn’t make any more memories with her. Sometimes it’s the smallest things that hurt the most because you never realize how much you’ll miss them until they become memories.
I recently finished a photography slideshow for my final project, and I included memories of my dad. I even had special permission to include a few video clips from his funeral. I thought I could get through putting it together, but my family and I ended up crying over the finished slideshow. It brought so many feelings to the surface that I think I had been pushing down just to get through everyday life.
I think that’s what scares me a little. I can go days functioning normally, and then one song, one picture, one memory, or one unexpected reminder can make it feel like I’m right back in the middle of losing them.
I’m also trying to raise my little girl and give her the best version of me that I can. I want to be present for her. I want to make memories with her. I want her to have a happy childhood. But sometimes I wish I could just be someone's daughter and granddaughter again instead of always having to be the person who keeps everything together.
I don’t think people always realize how lonely grief can be when you’re not openly talking about it. The world keeps moving, and eventually people stop asking how you’re doing. Not because they don’t care, necessarily, but because life goes on. Meanwhile, you’re still learning how to live in a world where two people who were part of your story are no longer here.
I’m not posting this because I expect anyone to fix it. I don’t think there’s a solution to missing someone. I think I just needed somewhere to admit that I’m not as okay as I sometimes appear to be.
And with my birthday being tomorrow, I think everything is hitting a little harder than usual. Birthdays are supposed to be happy, but sometimes they’re also reminders of the people you wish were still here to celebrate with you. I wish I could call my dad. I wish I could hug my grandma. I wish I could have those little moments that I probably would have taken for granted before, just one more time.
There’s something about getting older that makes you think about who has been there for every chapter of your life and who you wish could be there for the chapters still to come. I’m turning another year older, but two people who meant so much to me won’t be here to see it. And as much as I want to enjoy my birthday, a part of me is grieving the calls I won’t receive, the hugs I can’t get, and the memories we’ll never make.
I think birthdays make you realize that life keeps moving forward, even when your heart is still trying to catch up. I can be grateful for another year of life and still wish I could spend just a little more time with the people I’ve lost. Both things can be true.
I don't want my birthday to be sad. I want to celebrate, especially for my little girl, and be thankful for the life I have. But I also don't want to feel guilty for missing them a little extra tomorrow. I think I just wish grief would give me a break for one day, even though I know it doesn't work that way.
I miss my dad. I miss my grandma. I miss the moments I had with them, the moments I wish I had gotten, and the moments I’ll never get to have.
And I’m tired of pretending that being able to keep going means I’m not hurting.
If you’ve experienced this kind of quiet grief, especially after losing multiple family members close together, how do you cope with it? How do you make room for your grief when life still expects you to show up every single day?
I think I just need to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way.

My ex and I dated for 3 years. We had been broken up for 9 months, and the last time I saw him was 5 months ago. Despite how things ended between us (his infidelity) I still considered him the love of my life. Despite my attempts to move on during those 9 months, I never could. I held onto hope that we would find our way back to each other. Even though he was in a relationship with the person he cheated on me with, he tried to contact me so many times, including the night before he passed away. I didn’t reach out of respect for the girlfriend. I got a call from his aunt last week letting me know that he was murdered. I was in such shock, all I could think about was wanting to be with him but feeling so hopeless that I couldn’t. I offered the family my condolences and that I would help if they ever needed anything. I’ve never lost a partner, and I don’t know what’s appropriate and what isn’t. I posted a tribute for him on my social media stories that day. The post was innocent, sharing pictures of him and I over the years. I honestly did it to honor him, not to get attention or expose him in any way. That night, I get a nasty message from his most recent partner who hunted my socials down and told me to remove all pictures of him and I. Her stance was that i could honor him using a single photo of his and nothing else. I told her no, as I found it creepy that she stalked my accounts just to tell me off. She seemed pissed off that his family contacted me to tell me the unfortunate news.
The next day, I get a message from his brother to please take down the photos, as he was not ready to look at his pictures of his brother on social media. Out of respect for his family member, I did. I’m just questioning if my tribute was in poor taste considering the circumstances of his death.

I understand that I am the ex-girlfriend. I was not a part of my ex’s life for 9 months. Still, my love for him never went away. I was waiting for his return. We were going to get married. We almost had children together. We were each other’s first loves. I finished my graduate program with a broken heart because we had broken up, and I was working my butt off to build our future together. His family loved me. I’m devastated that the love of my life isn’t on this earth anymore and our relationship could never be rekindled. I feel so guilty that I couldn’t make the relationship work. Everyday I wake up in a state of dread. I don’t feel fulfilled in any areas of my life. Eating is pointless, my career means nothing. I had to take a week off work, and I feel like I need more time off. It’s like any joy that was left in my life died when he passed. My family doesn’t care how I’m feeling. The few friends I have stopped checking up on me. I don’t want to bombard his family while they are grieving too. I almost feel like my grief doesn’t count. I’m seeking therapy to help manage these emotions, but it’s pretty damn hard when insurance makes it a whole mission. I don’t know how to move forward, and I don’t even know if I’m allowed to grieve at all. It’s very isolating.

I (22F) lost my dad to cancer on August 8th. He fought for 3 years 8 months, and I knew of his illness for 1 year 9 months. His last two weeks were agonising. And so I have this best friend with whom I had a big talk after the cremation when she listened to everything I said, and then we sort of went back to our normal routine as if nothing had happened. Then, when dad's absence from my life neared two months, it finally started to sink in he probably wouldn't be coming home. I had something like the first wave of delayed grief breakdown and I wanted to discuss that with my friend, yet when we met up she started talking about how pissed she was with her uncle right after I stepped into the room, and I ended up listening to her and saying nothing of what I intended to say because it seemed like she was more exhausted than I was at the moment. Then we watched a movie and laughed like always. But it hurt. A few days passed, and last Friday I felt really low and texted this best friend telling her I was feeling down and asking her to send me a video message about a book she was reading - that's a common routine with her, and she sent me some a few days back. She read the message, was silent for two days, then reolied she wasn't up to making a video message bacause she was exhausted from work.

At first I didn't believe what I was reading, and then it was as if the 8 of friendship had simply collapsed, and I felt so abandoned and so used, because throughout the years there's been a lot of me almost always adjusting my plans to hers so that we could meet, and always going to her house because she didn't feel like going outside, and me trying to cheer her up when she texted me about her relations treating her badly and about how much she hated people and the world - and I responded almost immediately trying to cheer her up even while feeling not so happy myself, for these were the last months of my dad's life, and before, too, for a short time after I learned of dad's illness I also learned she had tried to commint suicide, so I spent a lot of time and energy trying to be there for her and to cheer her up and making her undestand I loved her no matter what - and I wasn't doing it out of a sense of onligation, I enjoyed being a best friend to her and hearing her laugh and seeing her smile, and during the last two years especially we grew very close. I told her of dad's illness a year ago, and she asked after him and listened to my fears from time to time.

And now this. Like, you were so exhausted from work that you couldn't press a button? When I found time and energy for you while my dad was dying? I couldn't believe it. I didn't reply immediately, knew not how, it almost felt as if our friendship was a lie and I never really knew her. She sent me a funny phrase and then asked if I had time to meet during the weekend to finish a series we were watching. I pulled myself together and wrote her that I was hurt by her equating grief of a parent's loss with work exhaustion and her being unable to do such a small thing for me while I found strengh for her in the last months of my dad's life, and told her it felt like a collapse of out entire friendship and that I needed to know if I could count on her support for an indefinite period of time since I don't know how long I'll be grieving dad. That was yesterday, and today she texted back saying she was sorry I felt that way, she didn't intend to hurt me, but that me asking for a video message made her feel like a zoo animal that was expected to put itself on display and entertain anyone who asks, and that she didn't reply right away because this feeling was so uncomfortable, and finally invented the work excuse because she "hoped I would understand it and it seemed like the most plausible one, and she didn't want to hurt my feelings further by stating ther real reason". She then wrote that had I asked for a conversation or a meet-up, she wouldn't have refused, and that she "can and wants to support me and understands I'm at a very difficult period of my life". And now I'm more confused and hurt than before, because - I can't imagine how I could've made her feel like a zoo animal, I was always so anxious for her comfort and well-being, and sending video messages is almost her way of communication, she often uses videos instead of texting. Have I really been pushy and inconsiderate?.. If not, then why is she doing this? If she really wanted to protect my feelings, wouldn't it have been best to simply reply she wasn't up to a video but was ready to talk?

She's my only and best friend, and I'm terrified of losing her, yet now I partly feel as if I'd lost her already, as if all those years of friendship and laughter and good memories weren't with her but with some other person I invented and she never really cared for me. Please, can I get some advice on this situation? What do you think I should do about this friendship and why can she be acting this way? Thank you!

These were my closest friends or that's what I thought when my mom died i called one and said "i wish you were here" he said what will I even do I'll call you later my food is here. I'll call later he never called back. Another friend who lives just across the street said she will come to visit but then her "stomach ached" then next day her sister had a party she had to help her then she said she'll visit on Sunday but she didn't came no call no text nothing when I asked why she didn't came she said I should "think about other people as well" and I "shouldn't use people like toys other people have lives too just because your mother passed away it doesn't mean other people are free all the time." Another friend did the same thing i deleted their number and went no contact did i do the right thing? Also On my bday two out of three texted Happy Birthday as if nothing happened after three months of no contact no one even asked if i was okay or not? I feel sick to my stomach thinking about these people i called my friends i helped them find partners, i heard them vent about jobs and crushes, helped them rebuild their careers. Gave them so much energy and they could not even show up.

After I lost one of my pets in 2021, a card was sent to me. The words still offer me solace.
“If I could have had all of the time in the world I would have spent it with you. Because time with you meant the world to me.”