I never imagined I would find myself in this situation. My husband is alive, but I have no contact with him, and I don’t know when or if we will ever be able to speak again.
It’s not that I’ve emotionally moved on from him or that he no longer exists in my life in my heart. It’s that, physically, he is no longer accessible to me. The distance between us feels impossible, and his family’s involvement has made the situation even more painful.

I cannot simply pick up the phone, hear his voice, ask him how he is doing, or know what is happening in his life.

How do you grieve someone who is still alive? How do you accept the absence of someone you love when you haven’t necessarily stopped loving them? There is no closure, no final goodbye, and no certainty about what the future holds.

People talk about heartbreak when a relationship ends, but what happens when the person you love is still alive somewhere in the world, yet you have effectively lost them from your everyday life?
I don’t know whether our paths will cross again. I don’t know what he thinks, what he feels, or what the future holds for us. All I know is that this is a kind of pain I never expected to experience.

He is alive. I haven’t necessarily stopped loving him. But right now, I have lost him from my physical world, and I don’t know how to make peace with that.

I don't know if its right I'm putting this out here but mygod. I literally don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do with my hands. I don't know what I'm gonna do next. Do I pick up the cup? Do I put my hands on my head. I don't know what to do with my feet, my eyes. HOW DO YOU BREATHE?!?!? I catch myself skipping breaths. How does the earth expect I move on from this loss? How is the sun rising and setting when it just lost someone? How is the world spinning madly on. I'm sane enough to know that people lose people all the time, but where do all these feelings go? I feel like digging the dirt sometimes. Its mildly comforting to hear about heaven, but sometimes I honestly just wanna crawl into the dirt really. I refuse to believe that they just become bubbles. One day they're here and the next they're just air.

My Dad passed away earlier this year from cancer. I’m still struggling.

Very soon after he passed, as in within days, my FIL made a comment about my children still having a grandfather in him. Around the same time, in response to me saying to my husband that my Dad would always do x for new, he told me that his Dad could just do it. I know it probably wasn’t intentional, but it felt like they were trying to replace my Dad with his. For context, the comment from FIL wasn’t said with any kind of softness, it was more dismissive of the loss I was feeling and felt, almost, like he was a bit smug. Though that may have just been my own emotions tainting things.

My Dad was always far closer to our children due to our relationship, the type of person he was and the fact he helped provide childcare. I don’t have a great relationship with my FIL because I am too headstrong and independent for a woman (according to him). He is a difficult man.

Since Dad died, I don’t want any type of relationship with FIL. I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to speak to him. I can’t seem to get past my anger at that single flippant comment and I’m so, so bitter. I know it isn’t healthy and I know if I don’t get over it it will likely ruin my marriage. The second I am near him though I am filled with an icy rage. I didn’t enjoy spending time with this man before my Dad died and now I want nothing to do with him at all. I don’t want to see him on Christmas, when it will be the first Christmas without my own father. I didn’t want to see him on Father’s Day. I don’t wish him away because I wouldn’t wish this pain on my husband. I just don’t want to have to see him at all myself.

today i was making coffee, pouring in the creamer. i remembered my dad would use so much creamer, his coffee would turn light beige. also, he had a full cup in the morning and a half cup at 3 pm. remembering his coffee routine made me smile.

how did your loved one like their coffee?

i'm a single mom and i felt like it's my fault she died

my daughter died because of pneumonia, due to financial incapacity i wasn't able to get her checked immediately.

now i blame myself everyday for her loss, i still can't accept it. i failed as a mom, i hope i die soon while i sleep

a really close and dear friend of mines mother passed away 3 days ago to cancer and i’ve really been struggling with figuring out how to comfort her now and long term.

When she texted the news i broke down. I am so deeply upset for her and my heart breaks i can’t imagine how she must be feeling. I have been texting and calling to check up on her, i told her i would see her as we’re both uni students, and i’ve already made plans with her for this. I’m seeing her in a couple days, atm i have a contagious virus i didn’t wanna bring that to her. That being said i just can’t help but feel like i’m not doing enough; idk if im doing this whole thing right.

I think she’s heading back to uni next week. I was planning on seeing her maybe make sure she’s stocked up on food so she doesn’t have to think about it. I was gonna bring a care package, write her a letter explaining how im there for her and that she’s not alone. Then it’s just figuring out how to be there for her in the best possible way from then on. Calling her daily? is that too much? perhaps weekly?

Sending her something to her house from time to time. visiting her. Her bday is in 3 months too… she doesn’t deserve this heartache

I’m struggling a lot financially, there’s so much i wanna do her that i can’t afford rn so all i can afford to do rn is to try my best to be there for her emotionally. Is there anything you guys can suggest i would love that thank you?

I (22F) lost my dad to cancer on August 8th. He fought for 3 years 8 months, and I knew of his illness for 1 year 9 months. His last two weeks were agonising. And so I have this best friend with whom I had a big talk after the cremation when she listened to everything I said, and then we sort of went back to our normal routine as if nothing had happened. Then, when dad's absence from my life neared two months, it finally started to sink in he probably wouldn't be coming home. I had something like the first wave of delayed grief breakdown and I wanted to discuss that with my friend, yet when we met up she started talking about how pissed she was with her uncle right after I stepped into the room, and I ended up listening to her and saying nothing of what I intended to say because it seemed like she was more exhausted than I was at the moment. Then we watched a movie and laughed like always. But it hurt. A few days passed, and last Friday I felt really low and texted this best friend telling her I was feeling down and asking her to send me a video message about a book she was reading - that's a common routine with her, and she sent me some a few days back. She read the message, was silent for two days, then reolied she wasn't up to making a video message bacause she was exhausted from work.

At first I didn't believe what I was reading, and then it was as if the 8 of friendship had simply collapsed, and I felt so abandoned and so used, because throughout the years there's been a lot of me almost always adjusting my plans to hers so that we could meet, and always going to her house because she didn't feel like going outside, and me trying to cheer her up when she texted me about her relations treating her badly and about how much she hated people and the world - and I responded almost immediately trying to cheer her up even while feeling not so happy myself, for these were the last months of my dad's life, and before, too, for a short time after I learned of dad's illness I also learned she had tried to commint suicide, so I spent a lot of time and energy trying to be there for her and to cheer her up and making her undestand I loved her no matter what - and I wasn't doing it out of a sense of onligation, I enjoyed being a best friend to her and hearing her laugh and seeing her smile, and during the last two years especially we grew very close. I told her of dad's illness a year ago, and she asked after him and listened to my fears from time to time.

And now this. Like, you were so exhausted from work that you couldn't press a button? When I found time and energy for you while my dad was dying? I couldn't believe it. I didn't reply immediately, knew not how, it almost felt as if our friendship was a lie and I never really knew her. She sent me a funny phrase and then asked if I had time to meet during the weekend to finish a series we were watching. I pulled myself together and wrote her that I was hurt by her equating grief of a parent's loss with work exhaustion and her being unable to do such a small thing for me while I found strengh for her in the last months of my dad's life, and told her it felt like a collapse of out entire friendship and that I needed to know if I could count on her support for an indefinite period of time since I don't know how long I'll be grieving dad. That was yesterday, and today she texted back saying she was sorry I felt that way, she didn't intend to hurt me, but that me asking for a video message made her feel like a zoo animal that was expected to put itself on display and entertain anyone who asks, and that she didn't reply right away because this feeling was so uncomfortable, and finally invented the work excuse because she "hoped I would understand it and it seemed like the most plausible one, and she didn't want to hurt my feelings further by stating ther real reason". She then wrote that had I asked for a conversation or a meet-up, she wouldn't have refused, and that she "can and wants to support me and understands I'm at a very difficult period of my life". And now I'm more confused and hurt than before, because - I can't imagine how I could've made her feel like a zoo animal, I was always so anxious for her comfort and well-being, and sending video messages is almost her way of communication, she often uses videos instead of texting. Have I really been pushy and inconsiderate?.. If not, then why is she doing this? If she really wanted to protect my feelings, wouldn't it have been best to simply reply she wasn't up to a video but was ready to talk?

She's my only and best friend, and I'm terrified of losing her, yet now I partly feel as if I'd lost her already, as if all those years of friendship and laughter and good memories weren't with her but with some other person I invented and she never really cared for me. Please, can I get some advice on this situation? What do you think I should do about this friendship and why can she be acting this way? Thank you!

On October 24th it will be one year ago that my mom passed away.
The year went by extremely fast and i can’t believe she’s been gone for a year now.
I miss her so much, I’m 23 and I just need my mommy.

I just can’t believe I have to spend more time without my mom in my life then i spend with her.

I don’t really know where to start, but I think I just need to get this out somewhere.
I lost my dad on January 10, 2025, and my grandma a few months later, on April 26. Losing them both in such a short amount of time changed something in me, and I don’t think I’ve fully processed either loss.
The hardest part is that I feel like I’ve been grieving silently. Life doesn’t stop just because you lose people you love. I’m still a mom, I’m still in school, I still have responsibilities, and there are still people who need me. So I get up, take care of my daughter, go to class, do what needs to be done, and keep going. From the outside, I’m sure it looks like I’m doing okay most days.
But some days, I’m really not.
My relationship with my dad was complicated. I loved him, but there were things I wish had been different. I wish he had shown up for me when I needed him, not just when my mom was there. There were things left unsaid, moments I wish we could have had, and words I wish I had said more often. Losing him means grieving the dad I had, but also grieving some of the things I wish our relationship could have been.
And that is such a difficult kind of grief to explain to people. You can love someone deeply and still have hurt from the relationship you had with them. You can miss someone and still wish things had been different. Both feelings can exist at the same time.
Then there’s my grandma. I miss the little things. Baking, sewing, shopping, and all those ordinary moments that didn’t seem extraordinary until I realized I couldn’t make any more memories with her. Sometimes it’s the smallest things that hurt the most because you never realize how much you’ll miss them until they become memories.
I recently finished a photography slideshow for my final project, and I included memories of my dad. I even had special permission to include a few video clips from his funeral. I thought I could get through putting it together, but my family and I ended up crying over the finished slideshow. It brought so many feelings to the surface that I think I had been pushing down just to get through everyday life.
I think that’s what scares me a little. I can go days functioning normally, and then one song, one picture, one memory, or one unexpected reminder can make it feel like I’m right back in the middle of losing them.
I’m also trying to raise my little girl and give her the best version of me that I can. I want to be present for her. I want to make memories with her. I want her to have a happy childhood. But sometimes I wish I could just be someone's daughter and granddaughter again instead of always having to be the person who keeps everything together.
I don’t think people always realize how lonely grief can be when you’re not openly talking about it. The world keeps moving, and eventually people stop asking how you’re doing. Not because they don’t care, necessarily, but because life goes on. Meanwhile, you’re still learning how to live in a world where two people who were part of your story are no longer here.
I’m not posting this because I expect anyone to fix it. I don’t think there’s a solution to missing someone. I think I just needed somewhere to admit that I’m not as okay as I sometimes appear to be.
And with my birthday being tomorrow, I think everything is hitting a little harder than usual. Birthdays are supposed to be happy, but sometimes they’re also reminders of the people you wish were still here to celebrate with you. I wish I could call my dad. I wish I could hug my grandma. I wish I could have those little moments that I probably would have taken for granted before, just one more time.
There’s something about getting older that makes you think about who has been there for every chapter of your life and who you wish could be there for the chapters still to come. I’m turning another year older, but two people who meant so much to me won’t be here to see it. And as much as I want to enjoy my birthday, a part of me is grieving the calls I won’t receive, the hugs I can’t get, and the memories we’ll never make.
I think birthdays make you realize that life keeps moving forward, even when your heart is still trying to catch up. I can be grateful for another year of life and still wish I could spend just a little more time with the people I’ve lost. Both things can be true.
I don't want my birthday to be sad. I want to celebrate, especially for my little girl, and be thankful for the life I have. But I also don't want to feel guilty for missing them a little extra tomorrow. I think I just wish grief would give me a break for one day, even though I know it doesn't work that way.
I miss my dad. I miss my grandma. I miss the moments I had with them, the moments I wish I had gotten, and the moments I’ll never get to have.
And I’m tired of pretending that being able to keep going means I’m not hurting.
If you’ve experienced this kind of quiet grief, especially after losing multiple family members close together, how do you cope with it? How do you make room for your grief when life still expects you to show up every single day?
I think I just need to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way.

To preface, I lost my mom to a very sudden blood clot on September 26th. I was at college (which is only 30 minutes from my childhood home in Ohio) when I got a panicked call from my dad. He held her as she passed and we got the official news at the hospital. We finally had her funeral yesterday in North Carolina, her home state. She had an open casket and she was so pretty.

I am only 20 and currently in the busiest month of the semester at school. I have concerts, competitions, and more coming up in this month alone. I have had to take this week off from school but I’m glad I’m with my family. Next week, I have a medical procedure that I’ll have to miss 3 more days of class for which has been planned for many months (I have also suffered from blood clots and scarring and am on oxygen as a junior in college). I am only behind on one assignment but behind on planning for everything else.

My teachers have been understanding but I have always been a 4.0 student that does all of her work days in advance. I also don’t miss class unless I literally can’t move. This past Monday, I had my first ever panic attack and it felt like a heart attack so I went to the er. They kept me there for 6 hours so I missed more class. I have anxiety but have never had a panic attack that bad, especially when I was sitting in class completely calm.

I simply wonder: how do I stop feeling so crazy? I have always been a good student and suddenly have no motivation to practice my music (I’m a music ed major and am involved in many performances) or do assignments. I am forgetting basic things and things I usually am able to remember with 0 issue. I also, typically, attend class like clockwork.

My teachers are very kind but I have been hurting my choir performance as I had a solo scheduled for next Friday. My choir teacher is being gracious and allowing me to still perform half of it but having someone else do the rest. It feels a bit pitiful and I am (obviously) disappointed in myself for all of this. I keep thinking if I had not ‘wasted’ Monday that I would be ahead still. I keep being told that I need to give myself grace but it feels impossible when other people are relying on me to be on top of everything.

I have never been closer to anyone than my mom. She was everything to me. We talked every single day and I am dealing with the guilt that I could have forced her to go to the hospital when she was having a hard time breathing. Hindsight is 20/20, of course, but it is so hard. There is a giant black hole in my heart as well as my dad and sisters. She was our rock as a family and was the glue that kept us together. We are all very close but it will never be the same.

Once again, I wonder if there is any way to stop feeling crazy and like a mess? I feel like I’m acting the complete opposite of myself and it is freaking me out. Is this common? I want to be able to succeed at school and keep a good reputation with all of my professors while this is happening. It is so very hard, especially since I thought I’d have my mom for at least 50 years and I only got her for 20.

My dad died a little more than 3 months ago. I (21F) am just filled with regret tonight, as with most nights, but tonight especially. On our last trip together last December, i just remember not spending enough time with him, and being angry at him constantly. He had a weak heart and overall weak body as he had to do dialysis and other things, and understandably this made him easily irritable. However, I would get mad back at him, and the whole trip i was internally blaming him for letting himself get that point of unhealthiness. I tried my best not to show it but just knowing i thought it kills me now. I remember on the flight back home, i still had this internal anger, yet a little voice was telling me that i should try not to be because what if this was the last time we can travel together? But no matter what, i just could not shake it off. I knew i would regret it but still here i am. Why was I not more understanding of his suffering? Last year i also moved into my dorm, and as such i didn’t get to spend much time with him nor my family, and he would call me often but I would only pick up occasionally when I was free, but not nearly enough. I see our WhatsApp chats and I hate myself, so I just don’t allow myself to open it anymore. I’ve never verbalised these regrets because I feel so so terrible, I feel so bad and if someone tells me it’s my fault I feel like I’ll just break down. Everyday is just another day of struggling to finish my uni assignments, club committee responsibilities, pretending that losing my dad has not fundamentally changed me into someone I don’t know anymore, and not falling apart from grief. Wish you could’ve stayed longer dad:(

tomorrow is my mom’s birthday. the first one since she died five months ago. i can’t believe it’s been that long since i’ve seen her. it still feels very unreal.

my plan is to get a slice of cake from her favorite bakery in the city (veniero’s strawberry shortcake, if anyone was interested) and watch her favorite movie, the blues brothers. we used to always recite the lines from it, even when it was probably age-inappropriate for me lol.

i’m anxious. my emotions have been very up and down. some days i’ll think about her every few minutes. sometimes once an hour. sometimes only once a day. today has been a day where she’s been at the absolute forefront of my mind, and i feel so heavy. physically heavy, like thoughts of her and her not being here are weighing my body down. and sometimes i won’t think of her too much. or i’ll push the thought out of my mind before it takes root.

i think i worry that tomorrow i’ll be either numb or immobile with grief. it’s her birthday. i kept wanting to take her out to dinner, but that last year she was always so sick. i thought i had more time. feels naive now. i’m just anxious in general. i wish i could fast forward to a time where things are easier. but i’m quickly realizing that it won’t.

My mother had passed away back in 2020. I was 20 then. Her absence has created a huge impact on me. To top it the grief that I hold is so difficult to tackle even now. Soon her death anniversary would be coming up in a few days. I still have not come out of that loss, that absence. Sometimes i avoid, sometimes I confront, sometimes I just say a prayer out loud. Each passing day goes with her in my mind yet with a fear that as the year goes by I am forgetting her.

This above para is to let you the reader know how much her absence has shattered me. In my life i truly only had her. as my everything.

so today a niece of mine who is barely ten, legit took a moment to mock me. Perhaps mock is not even the right word to match the impact she held. i know she knows whats the state of the role of my mother in my life, so the possibility of her physical absence is obvious to her. However she took a moment to ask me where is your mother. Even thoufh I was caught off guard, I answered her sky. She further went forward where in the sky. Thats when i had started getting pissed because i saw the smirk. yet i answered “up”. she went forward with “up on the roof”. The worse part was not how ignorant she sounded. It was seeing the grin she had. She knew she was crossing the line. and she was enjoying it. I could see it through. To make matters worse, she then further takes a moment with sudden change in tone to be exact from innocent to cold tone, “I really wanna know how she died”. Now, I am an adult who has an understanding of basic behaviour to recognise what is genuine curiosity what aint. this wasnt a curiosity. To top it i know she knows my mother had passed away because she herself said when she was 2, “her mother is dead”. Even then I was hurt but everytime I reminded this is a kid we are talking about. A toddler.

As the flashbacks hit me of the time when she was 2 and how everyone in my relatives remained silent which had hurt me, I refused to let her know the story with a direct “no”. She goes and starts pleading with the same grin. Then she takes a moment and says with a mean tone which i never in my life have even received it throughout my life even when i was a kid. I dont even know how to describe the cold tone. how do i even describe the ignorance pretence yet a want to deliberately hurt you tone. “she died by choking” she even acted it out with her hands. I confronted to her that if she knows how my mother died then why are you asking me. She legit points at the kitchen and tells me go and do your work. This kid ordered me. And when i asked her am i a servant? she ignores it. a moment passes by and she suddenly drops her mean mask and goes back to the innocent niece mode.

This kid has said many mean things to me. I always honestly tolerated because it was not in my hands to correct her with strictness. I always tried my best to let her know this is bad that is right. But what more can I dk when the parent and grandparent are okay with the act.

Yet today, after saying all this, I am amazed by the cruelty. Yet I feel a sense of am I wrong to take it personal. and even if it is personal its my niece who is a kid. Then another thought strikes me, in this life my mother was mattered to by her dad the most who passed away when she was young, her mother who passed away the next month as to my mothers death, her sisters? yes but they have their own family responsibilities, her husband? my dad? yes but again he doesnt take stand around much when its about his side of family involving his birth family when the topic of concern is my mom and me. I dont have siblings. Its me alone. So in this world at present, one who puts her in no. 1 is me. It should affect me. I should take a stand. Not to torture my kid. But def to my aunt my cousin who legit after knowing the incident are showering more love and care to her all when i am in the same space as if they are legit picking sides and showing me the side they picked.

I think I should remain pissed. not by drama involving arguments as for certain family reasons we are staying togethwr for a few days. I am just not the same as i was. I used to laugh. I used to be soft spoken. I used to involve myself. Now am thinking not to indulge much. Maintain the boundary. let them know I am pissed yet do my duties involving house chores.

or am i actually overreacting?

my friend think i aint. yet i find it tough to not to think this is traumatic for even a kid to go theough. but that doesnt mean i want to hear the same kid laugh giggle grin smirk at the thought of my mothers death and take it as a joke.

she died when i was barely six years old. im turning 15 soon and i just need my mum. everything hurts. i can’t go the rest of my life without her here. i hate cancer

I’m 26 years old and my dad died in a sudden car accident (only life lost) two months ago and due to the nature of the situation and transporting the body across state lines, it took three weeks to bury him.

I live abroad away from my family, and already have a weird/strained relationship with my family. My parents have been divorced since I was 5, and I feel that during the funeral my mom made the whole thing about her and her feelings (as a mom/ex-wife)

I was the one to tell my mom, as my cousin sent her condolences to me without knowing I didn’t know he died.

I’ve since returned to my home abroad since the funeral, but i do not know how to cope. I have a fear of cars, transportation in general, and i’m constantly on edge that something tragic will happen to my SO. how do i cope? does this get better? i dont think anyone cares in my life of the lost ive just had, just because “my parents were divorced and i didn’t have the chance to see my father often”.

I was my father’s child, almost all of his traits are what i have. He would be the one to always be by my side and now i don’t have anyone. how does one cope with loss and anxiety? is there hope?

Been feeling delayed grief hit me over my mom’s death. It’s been over a year now. She died Summer 2025. For the first year I felt shock and bottled a lot up. Lately it’s been hitting me really hard and I keep crying a lot at random times, missing her and hating how she died. She died of heart failure and a heart attack. She had blood clots in her lungs. The hospital that admitted her released her only after a week and had given her a poor treatment plan. I feel so much guilt and anger and grief and sorrow. I realized so much about my mom since she died and feel like I understand her better after the reflection in the past year. I wish she was alive.

My mother had stage 4 ovarian cancer she died 5 months ago I was the one who pronounced her dead i was the one who suggested her to get her swollen leg checked i was there for her chemos her surgery the vomiting all the pain she endured I was all the time with her i was her nurse her caretaker her entertainer her personal standup comedian i was her therapist i was her protector even though she wasn't much involved in my life yet i gave all I had because I just loved My momma alot I hope one day I'll get to feel her love and I did but it was too late it was only starting to get better i needed more love from her i wanted more love from her all the screaming all the manipulation gaslighting I survived by her i wanted reward i just wanted her to love me for little bit more. How do I survive that I'll never be loved ever again?

She visits me in my dream but then I wake up and it's horrible Horrible idk how to make sense of it?

These were my closest friends or that's what I thought when my mom died i called one and said "i wish you were here" he said what will I even do I'll call you later my food is here. I'll call later he never called back. Another friend who lives just across the street said she will come to visit but then her "stomach ached" then next day her sister had a party she had to help her then she said she'll visit on Sunday but she didn't came no call no text nothing when I asked why she didn't came she said I should "think about other people as well" and I "shouldn't use people like toys other people have lives too just because your mother passed away it doesn't mean other people are free all the time." Another friend did the same thing i deleted their number and went no contact did i do the right thing? Also On my bday two out of three texted Happy Birthday as if nothing happened after three months of no contact no one even asked if i was okay or not? I feel sick to my stomach thinking about these people i called my friends i helped them find partners, i heard them vent about jobs and crushes, helped them rebuild their careers. Gave them so much energy and they could not even show up.

It's been a year almost October 27th . I'm so angry I'm so mad I just hate life now. Why did my wife have to die . Why are we created on this stupid Earth . I'm sitting in pure misery pure hell since my wife died . Is this what I have to look for the next whatever . I don't want it I'm mad at the paramedics because they didn't have enough supplies . You go and ask the preacher why is it your wife have to die why did she have to go home why can't my wife be brought back. All they do is say you have to put your life to God you have to put your life to God well. I'm done God took my wife from me the devil or whoever . If he's so powerful he did notfix it he didn't he heal my wife he left her body die. i hate him if he is real. he should have took me not yet. I love you Ladybug ​

I don’t know how to start this off.. I don’t know if I’m asking for advice or if I just need to get this off my chest. I keep waiting for the mornings to get better. This morning I am particularly struggling. Last night I kept picturing him walking in through my front door. I’m supposed to be building our son’s crib today. All I can think about is how we would’ve been doing it together.. I know he’s gone. I’m not in denial but I am full of guilt for everything. Everyone keeps saying that he was in love with me. I made his life better. And that he battled these struggles for a long time as if I should take comfort in that.. but I saw the hope in his eyes. I saw him happy, I saw him changing for the better, I saw him falling in love with life itself and his hobbies again. He was so excited for the arrival of our son. He talked about getting married the same week it happened not just to me but to his family. Hearing all that said makes me hate myself. I wanted all those joys too without a doubt, I told him it could be a ring pop and I would still say yes. So why did I say those terrible things to him? I keep replaying all that I said. I was just so hurt and tired of my efforts being misunderstood. I kept apologizing and asking if he needed comfort? Reassurance? Solutions? If he just needed me to sit there and listen? I couldn’t understand why it went up in flames so fast. He sounded so sweet over the phone but it shifted when I came home. I usually am the more calm and collected one. I used to take on more of the ugly because I knew the anger he felt was a mask for the pain he was feeling. I wish I kept my mouth shut and maybe he would still be here and I wouldn’t be writing about how I lost my son’s dad. We had an argument before he left. His last words were “I can’t live like this anymore”… As upset as I was I tried to stop him from leaving I grabbed onto him tight as he tried going out the door. I held his waist and I was begging him. I blame myself for not holding back my frustrations, for not watching my tongue, for not fighting harder to make him stay or following him. Instead when I got pushed to the ground the wind got knocked out of me. I hate that I didn’t just get up and run after him. But instead I held my son in my stomach and cried. I shut the door. A part of me wanted to call and blow up his phone. Another part of me wanted to call the cops. But instead I chose to give him space. Thinking I’ll give it time to simmer down and I will apologize.. that time never came. Instead I got a call, I’ll never forget what his dad said. It will forever haunt me. I feel like I will be going to hell for all this. I should’ve known so much better. Life is so hard, I don’t know what to tell my son when he’s older. I don’t even know how I’m going to do this on my own.. but I am trying everyday I hope my son knows that I love him more than I could ever possibly put into words so that is why I am doing all this. I feel like I can’t stomach this guilt but my responsibilities are much bigger. That day I met 4 cops, I gave them my statement. I begged to see him and they told me that they couldn’t let me do that. I didn’t see him but I saw his vehicle and I immediately understood why I wasn’t allowed to see him. I even had one of the cops reach out personally he told me that if I really felt guilty and wanted to make things right then I need to stay for our son because it’s what my partner would’ve wanted. So I am trying, so far it hasn’t been easy. Going to these appointments alone, everyone looks so sad to see me, I feel like I can’t face any of his family. I don’t know how to face my own son. I keep talking to our son through my stomach telling him we’ll be okay that I will carry him throughout navigating his life.
I feel like a shit mom already, thinking about how my baby is feeling everything I am feeling. I don’t know what to do anymore. Am I doing this right? I don’t want to be a parent consumed by grief but I feel like it has its claws deep in the roots of me. I can still rationalize what I need to do and how I need to do it but all this pain I don’t know what to do with. I should’ve done more for my partner. I should’ve done more for our son. I should’ve done more for our family. I think this will be with me for the rest of my life and I fear that in time it will only get more heavier. I don’t know what to do.

My dad died very suddenly aged 56 on September 30th. He nor anybody knew he was ill, but he basically had a fatal heart attack/cardiac arrest whilst driving (luckily in a 20mph zone), crashed his car and couldn't be brought back. The coroner found he had severely narrowed arteries, so the event was going to happen no matter what as the build up was silent.

Week 1 was tough, in terms of the adrenaline and the shock. My brain is part blocking out the image of him laid on the bed, dead. My brain blocks the complete image of his face, but I remember everything else. I'm not overly close to my family and when I saw them it was mainly as a distraction. We haven't talked out our feelings. The funeral isn't until the end of the month. My brother and I have a rocky relationship anyway, and I had a horrible dream last night where he bought my sister flowers and gifts and a card as a "sorry for your loss" gesture and I got nothing. He's always been much closer to my sister. Of course it's not a realistic situation, but I think it was a subconscious manifestation of my loneliness and feeling unheard. I had a dream the night before where I had a baby (now, I don't want kids at all. But I think it was my subconscious playing out a future milestone) and I remember walking over to my dad with this baby and saying "I'm so glad you're alive again just to see my baby". My brother is having a baby with his wife in December, so that could be an additional subconscious link.

And then there's the crippling loneliness. I've struggled with loneliness most of my 20s, which worsened through my late early-mid 20s (I am 27 now). I had an amazing job which was cut short for other unfair reasons, my chronic illnesses are worse than ever, and then thinking 2026 couldn't get any worse, boom, just like that my dad dies. I get it that friends don't know what to say. I had a best friend who I have been taking a break from for a couple months because of how she was treating me and couldn't take any responsbility. She found out through a Facebook post and did message me, the classic "sorry to hear about your dad, let me know if you need anything". Let me know if you need anything was the main thing I got from friends. But I am also Audhd, and in burnout and executive function paralysis. I feel embarrassed asking for basic things when I live so close to shops, etc. I never have asked and never will. My siblings have their partners to lean on and close friends. None of my closest friends have messaged me since I told them. Not once, except one who sent a random meme (probably to break what felt like to them uncomfortable silence). I get it, sitting with grief is hard for people. But I sit back and think "if it was me, I would check in AT LEAST once. And it wouldn't be 'let me know if you need anything'". But that's me. I always go above and beyond for friends who never have and never will for me. I would be straight there if they needed me. At their house, for a coffee, a walk...whatever. One of my friends even messaged two days after the death of my dad (they knew) with just the words "my grandma just died". Nothing else, just...that. How the hell am I supposed to respond to that?!

So yeah. Off work until after the funeral because my energy levels are rock bottom (and I teach, currently supply teaching, so a hard job). I'm trying to fill the days but losing all motivation and sleeping excessively. I am playing a lead role in the local Pantomime at Christmas, so two evenings a week are dedicated to that. But the rest? On my own. Nobody to talk to. I don't want to talk to a stranger through a helpline. I just want a friend to simply ask me "are you ok?" Or "Thinking of you" or "Would you like to meet up this week?" As usual, despite my immense grief, I am doing the heavy lifting. Family support dwindled by the end of week one of my dad's death. True friend support never existed.

So, so isolating.

My mother passed away August 5th sort of unexpectedly.

I’m currently in a master’s program abroad and had to abruptly return to my studies after her memorial service.

This weekend I went to a huge, international conference regarding my field where I had the opportunity to network with many important, impactful, and successful people. This is where I realized how much my grief has dimmed my spark.

I usually can talk to anyone and would have networked the hell out that event, making many new contacts and connecting on LinkedIn for possible opportunities and news about people I look up to. I would have dressed myself up nicely, taken photos, posted social media about it so those I met remembered me there as well.

However I was unable to do any of those things. I could hardly engage in small talk without my mind wandering, did not go up and talk to anyone whose background and experiences interested or inspired me, or even get an other conference attendees’ information. I literally just existed there, always slightly distracted, upset, and exhausted from acting interested and in a good mood.

Seeing my other colleagues and friends do all the things I should have really has me disappointed in myself. Some of them have been asking me to revise emails for them to send to people they met and it made me feel even worse about myself. I feel so stagnant, uninterested, and behind on everything. Even just taking care of myself and getting passing marks has been the biggest struggle.

Does it ever get better? Does the constant distraction and haze ever lift? Has anyone experienced something similar?

I have nobody to relate to because I am still on the younger side so many people around me haven’t experienced something like this, only my sister who is thousands of miles away and 9 hours ahead of me time wise. The isolation of grief is making me distraught and I feel like I’m insane because literally nobody around me cares.

Hi, Laut. I am sorry I can not hugs you here. It must be cold there. I am sorry I can not give you the best life you might had. Honestly, it’s still the same. I’m still crying, thinking about you. I wanna be with you. I am sorry.

Sorry not super related but related. I lost my mom and am an only child. She passed on September 23rd. It was just me and her living together and all my immediate family are overseas. I have a distant aunt who has been so supportive and has been checking on me and making sure I’m okay as well as friends, but obviously I lost my mom who I spent every day with. Since then I don’t want to be alone and have been distraught. My bf was supportive the first week and a half and I would spend the night a lot the first week as I couldn’t bear to be home. This past weekend, he told me I’m no longer allowed to spend the night because of a boundary rule and his mom wants more privacy. I feel devastated and rejected. I feel like that was cruel and while I didn’t fight it, it did lead to an argument as I thought he would have defended me a bit more. I am very respectful when I spend the night, I thank them, and don’t leave a mess. I don’t even eat there, I just sleep and leave in the morning. I thought they would be more supportive since they know what’s going on but idk what to feel

My grandmother wasn’t your typical grandmother. My seventh grade year she quite literally saved me and my siblings life with the help of my other grandparents ( I had a village of wonderful grandparents) she was able to get temporary custody of me and my siblings.
My mother struggled with addiction, and my father was an abusive alcoholic. Once I moved in with my grandparents, I felt like my life was perfect! Dinner every night at the dinner table, a clean home, it was the first time in my life that I wasn’t embarrassed when my friends came over about the house being a mess. she painted my room purple, and my aunt sent handpainted decor she did herself to go on the wall, I was so spoiled, so spoiled that every other week she would take me to fill up my mini fridge lol. If I wanted sonic, my sister wanted Wendy’s, and my brother wanted Burger King - She would go to each one of them. I know that’s crazy, but that’s how much she loved us. She showed me unconditional love. it was the first time in my life I didn’t feel unworthy or abandoned.

Fast forward, i’m sixteen, my mom is living with us because she’s “ clean “ again. I didn’t take that lightly…I had a love/hate relationship with my mother but somehow i always did have a soft spot. At that age, I hated when she told me what to do or tried to be a mother cause I felt like she never wanted to be one before. November 2020 I got my license and my first car! I also had a boyfriend. So i’m the typical teenager , selfish, only has time for her boyfriend , driving around with my friends etc. I had a job as well, I got off work one late cold night in December and snuck and seen my boyfriend. Til this day, I don’t know why I was so stuck on him. Well I got pulled over right after I smoked a joint. So i called my mom to come get me. Obviously she’s furious…..we get home , I’m in the bathroom and my mom storms in there and goes “ THATS WHY UR NANA HAS CANCER”. I felt like my whole word came crashing down, literally my head was spinning, and that’s exactly what happened, my whole world shattered.

Stage 4 lung cancer. It spread all over her body. We found out she had cancer December 2019, she died March 2020. Four short months. I remember the day we got a call cause she was in the hospital and we just went to grab some food and they said if you wanna see her again, you need to hurry and so we left all our food at the Mexican restaurant and we jumped in the car and my mother was going 110 on the interstate to get to my nana. I remember just sitting there talking to her once we got there and telling her how sorry I am because till this day it eats me alive that those few short months I was a selfish teenager and I was never home. I was so selfish and so worried about everything else when I should’ve been soaking up all the time in the world that I had with her.
I remember her laying there in the bed at the hospital and I just painted her toes one last time she always wanted me to paint her toes

I am 23 and I am still heartbroken. I’m still grieving. I still have so much guilt because I feel like I should’ve been there more and I was a teenager with an attitude and I just regret so much and I love her so much and I miss her. my nana died and a week after my mother kicked me out and we got into it because I found out she didn’t pay my car insurance so while I’m grieving I’m staying with a friend. I’m working two jobs. I’m not going to school, Covid hit. I was supposed to be doing school online instead I was working. Then I had to move in with my boyfriend. my mom was back on drugs very badly. I felt like I have a disassociated that whole time. I wasn’t there for my siblings. I don’t even think I was there for myself. I was literally just surviving. I think it’s hitting me harder now because I don’t think I was in a state to actually be able to grieve. Anyways, there’s so much more but i’ve prob took up enough of ur time. I’m just a 23 year old girl, still trying to survive, still learning and still grieving badly. I spend as much as time with my grandparents now that i possibly can because i don’t ever wanna feel that way again, when i turned 18 i got my own place, my mother went to jail for almost 4 years. She got out and she’s been clean ever since and doing good, i am proud of her. I felt like I should’ve said that to give her some kind of credit but i’ve gone through a lot in my life and i just can’t help but to dream about how my life would be so different if my nana was still here.