i'm a single mom and i felt like it's my fault she died

my daughter died because of pneumonia, due to financial incapacity i wasn't able to get her checked immediately.

now i blame myself everyday for her loss, i still can't accept it. i failed as a mom, i hope i die soon while i sleep

My dad who was battling stage four lung cancer that was metastasized died last night. I was there when he died, I saw his lips pale and through the day I kept counting how long he would go without his chest rising and when he passed it went to 90 secs before I called a nurse and he pronounced him dead at 10:30 and I just fell in the ground and cried. It is currently 5am and I haven’t gotten any sleep and every time I close my eyes I see his face when he passed and it’s devastating and soul crushing. We only found out about the cancer last month and he also had birthday three weeks ago. I’m only 30 and his youngest daughter and my mom and I were his caretakers and I saw the decline but it absolutely didn’t prepare me for this. Idk when I’ll be able to sleep without seeing his face and I took off work indefinitely so now I just wanna be in my room and cry day and night but also trying to be there for my mom who cries so hard bc they were together 50 years and we’re best friends. I feel like my life is just never gonna be the same

I really wish so badly that my mom had a better life while she was on this earth, I wish she never had to go through hardships and all the heartbreak she did, I wish we were smarter and realized its also her first time living and being a mom. I just wish I could tell her how sorry I am, I wish I could've made her life better while she was still here. Theres so much I wish I could've done.

she died when i was barely six years old. im turning 15 soon and i just need my mum. everything hurts. i can’t go the rest of my life without her here. i hate cancer

I’ve recently lost both my mom and dad. I had so many of their clothes left that I chose to make a blanket out of them with Project Repat. It was expensive(to me anyway), but I’m so glad that I can curl up with a piece of them ❤️

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Yesterday, I lost my little girl, Chintu. She was only 10 months old.

I'm struggling to even put what happened into words. She was attacked by a dog and suffered a spinal injury. Her X-ray showed a fracture in the fourth lumbar vertebra and compression of the spinal cord around the fracture. One of her hind legs wasn't working, and she was having trouble urinating. We were told to manage her conservatively because surgery wasn't an option.

The hours that followed were terrifying. I kept looking for ways to help her, worrying about her pain, her bladder, whether she would ever walk again, and whether she would be okay. She had even started eating again at one point, and there were moments when she was responsive and looked at me.

Then yesterday, we took her to the vet. She was still with us. I remember her being happy and purring before we went. That memory is haunting me now because I keep wishing I could go back to that moment.

During the visit, the vet pressed her abdomen. She started vomiting, then began having jerking movements, and she passed away.

I don't know exactly what happened medically, and not knowing is eating me alive. Part of me keeps thinking that the vet killed her. Another part wonders whether she was already too badly injured and whether there was anything anyone could have done. I don't know if she was suffering, whether she could have recovered, or whether her death spared her from a life of pain. I keep searching for answers that I might never get.

And then there's the guilt.

I keep going back to the circumstances of the accident and wondering what I could have done differently. I keep replaying the vet visit, wondering if I should have done something differently there, too. I know I was trying to help her, but emotionally, it feels like I failed the little creature who depended on me.

She was just a baby. She had so much life left to live.

This morning, she was the first thing on my mind when I woke up. I think my brain still expects her to be here. Then I remember, all over again, that she's gone.

I miss her terribly. I miss knowing she was somewhere in the house. I miss the thought that I still had time with her. I would give anything to have one ordinary day with her again, even if all she did was sit beside me and purr.

I have so many conflicting feelings. I feel devastated that she's gone, guilty about what happened, angry that this happened to her, and sometimes relieved at the thought that she might no longer be suffering. Then I feel guilty for even feeling that relief.

I don't know how to live with the uncertainty surrounding her last moments. I don't know how to forgive myself for the things I keep imagining I should have done differently.

If you've lost a pet in a traumatic or sudden way, especially when you were trying to save them, how did you cope with the guilt and the memories of their final hours?

I don't need anyone to tell me that everything happens for a reason. I just want to know if this feeling ever becomes bearable, and whether it's possible to remember them without reliving the way they died.

Chintu, you were only ten months old. I'm so sorry, my little girl. I wish I could have brought you home.

A little over a month ago my dad passed away; he was in the ICU for almost a month. I’m his only daughter and I’m 23 years old.

I don’t know how people move on with their lives, I feel like I can’t. I had already lost my grandfather and pets, but the pain doesn’t compare, it’s unbearable. My dad was the only person who loved me unconditionally, he always told me he was proud of me and my studies, and now he won’t be there to see me graduate from college. It feels like nothing has meaning anymore.

We always told each other that we loved each other, but in the last month we hadn't been talking. I was angry because he hadn't called me for my birthday and other things, and I regret it so much. I was also sad because I felt like he wasn’t talking to me. I recently managed to access his phone, and it turned out he felt the same way I did. It was all so silly, just a misunderstanding. I know he loved me and I loved him, and that we were going to work things out, but we couldn’t.

I would give anything to see him one more time, I asked for his forgiveness and told him I loved him so many times during the hospitalization, I promised I would make it up to him when he got out and that we would eat pizza. Now I don't know how to live with the guilt and sadness.

I can't afford therapy. I'm taking antidepressants but I don't feel like they're working, and I can't afford another appointment. I don't know what to do. I'm fine when I'm busy or with people, but the moment I'm alone I fall apart.

I know he would want me to move on, live my life, and be happy, but I can't, my body aches from the sadness. Lately, I've even started having suicidal thoughts. I don't know what to do. I want to die.

Hello all! So long story short - my son was friends a few years ago with a little boy down the street that died last year. They were pretty good friends until middle school started. I was never particularly close with the parents but we get along. Plus the mom still asks about my son occasionally. Well I bought a wind chime for them for the anniversary. I just wanted to let them know my son and I didn't forget about their little boy. I told my husband about it. He thinks it's weird and I shouldn't give it to them. I know when my parents died it meant a lot when people remembered. He says it's different because I'm more of an acquaintance not a family friend. So should I return the gift? I don't want to overstep.

I don’t know how to start this off.. I don’t know if I’m asking for advice or if I just need to get this off my chest. I keep waiting for the mornings to get better. This morning I am particularly struggling. Last night I kept picturing him walking in through my front door. I’m supposed to be building our son’s crib today. All I can think about is how we would’ve been doing it together.. I know he’s gone. I’m not in denial but I am full of guilt for everything. Everyone keeps saying that he was in love with me. I made his life better. And that he battled these struggles for a long time as if I should take comfort in that.. but I saw the hope in his eyes. I saw him happy, I saw him changing for the better, I saw him falling in love with life itself and his hobbies again. He was so excited for the arrival of our son. He talked about getting married the same week it happened not just to me but to his family. Hearing all that said makes me hate myself. I wanted all those joys too without a doubt, I told him it could be a ring pop and I would still say yes. So why did I say those terrible things to him? I keep replaying all that I said. I was just so hurt and tired of my efforts being misunderstood. I kept apologizing and asking if he needed comfort? Reassurance? Solutions? If he just needed me to sit there and listen? I couldn’t understand why it went up in flames so fast. He sounded so sweet over the phone but it shifted when I came home. I usually am the more calm and collected one. I used to take on more of the ugly because I knew the anger he felt was a mask for the pain he was feeling. I wish I kept my mouth shut and maybe he would still be here and I wouldn’t be writing about how I lost my son’s dad. We had an argument before he left. His last words were “I can’t live like this anymore”… As upset as I was I tried to stop him from leaving I grabbed onto him tight as he tried going out the door. I held his waist and I was begging him. I blame myself for not holding back my frustrations, for not watching my tongue, for not fighting harder to make him stay or following him. Instead when I got pushed to the ground the wind got knocked out of me. I hate that I didn’t just get up and run after him. But instead I held my son in my stomach and cried. I shut the door. A part of me wanted to call and blow up his phone. Another part of me wanted to call the cops. But instead I chose to give him space. Thinking I’ll give it time to simmer down and I will apologize.. that time never came. Instead I got a call, I’ll never forget what his dad said. It will forever haunt me. I feel like I will be going to hell for all this. I should’ve known so much better. Life is so hard, I don’t know what to tell my son when he’s older. I don’t even know how I’m going to do this on my own.. but I am trying everyday I hope my son knows that I love him more than I could ever possibly put into words so that is why I am doing all this. I feel like I can’t stomach this guilt but my responsibilities are much bigger. That day I met 4 cops, I gave them my statement. I begged to see him and they told me that they couldn’t let me do that. I didn’t see him but I saw his vehicle and I immediately understood why I wasn’t allowed to see him. I even had one of the cops reach out personally he told me that if I really felt guilty and wanted to make things right then I need to stay for our son because it’s what my partner would’ve wanted. So I am trying, so far it hasn’t been easy. Going to these appointments alone, everyone looks so sad to see me, I feel like I can’t face any of his family. I don’t know how to face my own son. I keep talking to our son through my stomach telling him we’ll be okay that I will carry him throughout navigating his life.
I feel like a shit mom already, thinking about how my baby is feeling everything I am feeling. I don’t know what to do anymore. Am I doing this right? I don’t want to be a parent consumed by grief but I feel like it has its claws deep in the roots of me. I can still rationalize what I need to do and how I need to do it but all this pain I don’t know what to do with. I should’ve done more for my partner. I should’ve done more for our son. I should’ve done more for our family. I think this will be with me for the rest of my life and I fear that in time it will only get more heavier. I don’t know what to do.

My mother had stage 4 ovarian cancer she died 5 months ago I was the one who pronounced her dead i was the one who suggested her to get her swollen leg checked i was there for her chemos her surgery the vomiting all the pain she endured I was all the time with her i was her nurse her caretaker her entertainer her personal standup comedian i was her therapist i was her protector even though she wasn't much involved in my life yet i gave all I had because I just loved My momma alot I hope one day I'll get to feel her love and I did but it was too late it was only starting to get better i needed more love from her i wanted more love from her all the screaming all the manipulation gaslighting I survived by her i wanted reward i just wanted her to love me for little bit more. How do I survive that I'll never be loved ever again?

She visits me in my dream but then I wake up and it's horrible Horrible idk how to make sense of it?

My Dad passed away earlier this year from cancer. I’m still struggling.

Very soon after he passed, as in within days, my FIL made a comment about my children still having a grandfather in him. Around the same time, in response to me saying to my husband that my Dad would always do x for new, he told me that his Dad could just do it. I know it probably wasn’t intentional, but it felt like they were trying to replace my Dad with his. For context, the comment from FIL wasn’t said with any kind of softness, it was more dismissive of the loss I was feeling and felt, almost, like he was a bit smug. Though that may have just been my own emotions tainting things.

My Dad was always far closer to our children due to our relationship, the type of person he was and the fact he helped provide childcare. I don’t have a great relationship with my FIL because I am too headstrong and independent for a woman (according to him). He is a difficult man.

Since Dad died, I don’t want any type of relationship with FIL. I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to speak to him. I can’t seem to get past my anger at that single flippant comment and I’m so, so bitter. I know it isn’t healthy and I know if I don’t get over it it will likely ruin my marriage. The second I am near him though I am filled with an icy rage. I didn’t enjoy spending time with this man before my Dad died and now I want nothing to do with him at all. I don’t want to see him on Christmas, when it will be the first Christmas without my own father. I didn’t want to see him on Father’s Day. I don’t wish him away because I wouldn’t wish this pain on my husband. I just don’t want to have to see him at all myself.

suicide tw

a bit of a rant before I get to my actual question, apologies

today I found out my friend passed away a few days ago from suicide. We were talking less and less the past year but I was still trying to reach out when I could, but I am a very anxious person and easily can get myself to believe someone doesn't like me for no reason. The last time we spoke a few weeks ago they had a bad reaction to something I said so i apologized and retreated but i wish i just fucking pushed further and got over myself because it's not like them to be unkind like that and I should have known. I have a lot of "front porch" friends but they were one of my only 2 real in person friends, even if we didn't talk every day. and then i became uncomfortable to be around the second friend, so they were all I had left here really and I feel so much more alone suddenly. I don't think it's really set in yet that they're really gone. I drove to their house because I didn't believe it I saw one of their cats on the window and she just stared at me and didn't run away like she normally would. she must be so scared and confused.

I need to go to bed but it's like my brain won't ever shut off and I wish I could just fucking turn the tv off in my head. maybe it's just the adhd. I don't want to be miserable but I feel guilty for not wanting to think about it. as soon as I quieted down for bed I started thinking about it again. it feels like trying to sleep while a band practices in my bedroom.

I'm sorry if this might be the wrong sub for this but what do I do to just relax and not think about all the things that make me feel so sad over and over again

My dad died a little more than 3 months ago. I (21F) am just filled with regret tonight, as with most nights, but tonight especially. On our last trip together last December, i just remember not spending enough time with him, and being angry at him constantly. He had a weak heart and overall weak body as he had to do dialysis and other things, and understandably this made him easily irritable. However, I would get mad back at him, and the whole trip i was internally blaming him for letting himself get that point of unhealthiness. I tried my best not to show it but just knowing i thought it kills me now. I remember on the flight back home, i still had this internal anger, yet a little voice was telling me that i should try not to be because what if this was the last time we can travel together? But no matter what, i just could not shake it off. I knew i would regret it but still here i am. Why was I not more understanding of his suffering? Last year i also moved into my dorm, and as such i didn’t get to spend much time with him nor my family, and he would call me often but I would only pick up occasionally when I was free, but not nearly enough. I see our WhatsApp chats and I hate myself, so I just don’t allow myself to open it anymore. I’ve never verbalised these regrets because I feel so so terrible, I feel so bad and if someone tells me it’s my fault I feel like I’ll just break down. Everyday is just another day of struggling to finish my uni assignments, club committee responsibilities, pretending that losing my dad has not fundamentally changed me into someone I don’t know anymore, and not falling apart from grief. Wish you could’ve stayed longer dad:(

I know people die every year but I feel like this year was strongly marked by it for some reason, or at least that's how I perceive it. Just too many death annoucements this year, many by people whom I grew up with incluiding people on TV shows and unfortunately my mom was also not safe from how grim reaper was moving this year. I wish she made it to 2027, that's what I expected to happen. Does anyone else feel this way?

My childhood friend died yesterday...from intestinal cancer..she was barely 18, she was so optimistic about life and Always eager to learn more....how can god do this...why...her mom already cured from cancer....how can they handle this pain....

Although we grew a bit apart after COVID because our classes changed, and we used always fight during childhood like this once we didn't talk to her for months because of something bad she did with some other frnd, butt also shared so many great memories, like doing a skits, making drawings, she loved to paint....

I tell my parents that i don't remember most of the childhood, but I do remember it, in almost every childhood memory of me being with my friends she's always there.

After COVID, she became more like a background character for me...as i mentioned our classes were different from then.

Then came 11th-12th, we have this huge entrance exam for math students for which students often go to a place called kota, a study hub.

She went there...but she came back in 12th ending...she came back home...we thought It might be because of her mother had bad health too...when she came back from kota sr came at my home, i was asleep...my mom woke me up , i was shocked to see her, i hug her, i tell her she looks pretty, we were smiling, then she went back.

Months later, every friend is now back home, we sed to hang during evening, but she didn't come most of the time, we were going to do karaoke once, she showed up finally, we saw her neck , clearly some glue residue visible, at that time we all knew she was going through some illness but didn't knew what it was or how serious, we asked her what it was, she said it was caused by a nail, we didn't question her but we knew it was not a nail. I think later we got to know it was cancer but still not sure.

But on Janmashtami iwas with my parents, i saw her....i saw how things she was...how hollow her cheeks were, i could almost see her trachea, she came up to me when i was in line for prasad for 10 seconds, i was in shock and didnt ask her anything about her appearance, later i tell my friends, from next day we tried to meet her, but her mom always picked up and said she was sleeping. She didn't reply to texts as well, there was no contact, my dad said it's ok...if she doesn't want to meet..don't ...now maintain your distance...cause you would only get hurt if u get attached more..

2 months later, my dad tells me my mother asked him not to tell me but that my friend has intestinal cancer...last stage...she have less chances of surviving, she was taken to hospital and got some surgery, i went to pray to god immediately, calling my other friend...

She survived almost 20 days i guess....then yesterday i got to know she died in morning....i was in shock, shivering...

I tell my father, he was shocked and on verge of tears too...today was her funeral...i didn't go...i just couldn't...i couldn't see her weak fragile lying dead, idk how to react in front of my family...i say we grew apart and now we can't do anything ,but I am sad since I heard the news, it's Navratri now...my mom takes me to garba, and i can't fight with her about not going cause if she asks reason i won't be able to tell her how it's bugging my mind...i don't show my emotional side to my family, maybe because if i cry they'll cry too...so i go anyway...now I am crying in my bed... thinking why did universe did it, WHY. Is god real? Is anything real? SHE WAS BARELY 18.....i can't stop thinking about her..

Before my brother died and he was in active addiction he stole a lot of very valuable and sentimental things from me and pawned them. He admitted to my parents what he did when they confronted him, and as part of his recovery (which he took very serious at the time) he had to make amends. I was waiting for it to be my turn and I honestly was more proud than mad and planned to tell him so. He called me and for some reason I ignored the call. I don’t know why I did it, maybe it was too much for me to handle emotionally in the moment. I texted him some time later saying sorry that I missed him and asked what’s up and he changed the subject. He died a few months later and it has always ripped me apart that we didn’t have that moment.

My mom died a month ago from pancreatic cancer, 15 months after she was diagnosed. She was in so much pain and very agitated at the end, and in my opinion started hospice way too late. It didn’t seem peaceful at all, it was very traumatic to witness. I was ok, or so I thought, at first, but now I feel like my world is crashing down around me as I come to terms with the fact that she’s really dead and not coming back. My biggest issue is I can’t seem to stay asleep. I do all the sleep hygiene things, I run an average of 3 miles a day, eat well, no screens 2 hours before bed, melatonin, Cherry juice, l-theanine, THC/cbd, magnesium 30 minutes before, cold, dark room with white noise, and I read until I drift off around 10:30. No matter what I do I wake up at around 3-4 am everyone morning and can’t go back to sleep. About an hour into me being awake I inevitably end up sobbing about my mom. I have to be up for work at 6:30. I’ve tried prescription meds before and while they do knock me out I always end up having horrible side effects from them, and am always groggy the entire next day and feel like I haven’t slept at all. I’m at the end of my rope here. Does it ever end?

My mom passed in her sleep over the weekend. Suddenly and unexpectedly. How did you all sleep when you lost your loved ones? I have an RX from my dr for Klonopin but it doesn’t help me stay asleep so I’ve been trying to space it out. I miss her so much and in the am when I wake up to use the bathroom or because the cats have moved or woken me I cannot go back to sleep. My chest feels heavy and the tears immediately start. Maybe it just gets better with time?

I don't know if its right I'm putting this out here but mygod. I literally don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do with my hands. I don't know what I'm gonna do next. Do I pick up the cup? Do I put my hands on my head. I don't know what to do with my feet, my eyes. HOW DO YOU BREATHE?!?!? I catch myself skipping breaths. How does the earth expect I move on from this loss? How is the sun rising and setting when it just lost someone? How is the world spinning madly on. I'm sane enough to know that people lose people all the time, but where do all these feelings go? I feel like digging the dirt sometimes. Its mildly comforting to hear about heaven, but sometimes I honestly just wanna crawl into the dirt really. I refuse to believe that they just become bubbles. One day they're here and the next they're just air.

My ex and I dated for 3 years. We had been broken up for 9 months, and the last time I saw him was 5 months ago. Despite how things ended between us (his infidelity) I still considered him the love of my life. Despite my attempts to move on during those 9 months, I never could. I held onto hope that we would find our way back to each other. Even though he was in a relationship with the person he cheated on me with, he tried to contact me so many times, including the night before he passed away. I didn’t reach out of respect for the girlfriend. I got a call from his aunt last week letting me know that he was murdered. I was in such shock, all I could think about was wanting to be with him but feeling so hopeless that I couldn’t. I offered the family my condolences and that I would help if they ever needed anything. I’ve never lost a partner, and I don’t know what’s appropriate and what isn’t. I posted a tribute for him on my social media stories that day. The post was innocent, sharing pictures of him and I over the years. I honestly did it to honor him, not to get attention or expose him in any way. That night, I get a nasty message from his most recent partner who hunted my socials down and told me to remove all pictures of him and I. Her stance was that i could honor him using a single photo of his and nothing else. I told her no, as I found it creepy that she stalked my accounts just to tell me off. She seemed pissed off that his family contacted me to tell me the unfortunate news.
The next day, I get a message from his brother to please take down the photos, as he was not ready to look at his pictures of his brother on social media. Out of respect for his family member, I did. I’m just questioning if my tribute was in poor taste considering the circumstances of his death.

I understand that I am the ex-girlfriend. I was not a part of my ex’s life for 9 months. Still, my love for him never went away. I was waiting for his return. We were going to get married. We almost had children together. We were each other’s first loves. I finished my graduate program with a broken heart because we had broken up, and I was working my butt off to build our future together. His family loved me. I’m devastated that the love of my life isn’t on this earth anymore and our relationship could never be rekindled. I feel so guilty that I couldn’t make the relationship work. Everyday I wake up in a state of dread. I don’t feel fulfilled in any areas of my life. Eating is pointless, my career means nothing. I had to take a week off work, and I feel like I need more time off. It’s like any joy that was left in my life died when he passed. My family doesn’t care how I’m feeling. The few friends I have stopped checking up on me. I don’t want to bombard his family while they are grieving too. I almost feel like my grief doesn’t count. I’m seeking therapy to help manage these emotions, but it’s pretty damn hard when insurance makes it a whole mission. I don’t know how to move forward, and I don’t even know if I’m allowed to grieve at all. It’s very isolating.

my dad died almost 2 months ago by suicide, he hanged himself. im 19 and have been dealing with depression for about 5 years, recently i got diagnosed with autism. we talked about the pills i take and the things i struggle with. i had a few suicide attempts before and he was the only one who knew about them. i thought we had each others backs. turns out he never told me nor my mom (they are divorced and i live with her) about his apparent depression and visits to the psychiatrist. im heartbroken and honestly idk if i can ever go back to how stuff were before.

i called the suicide hotline about 2 hours ago because i was in a crisis. i don’t know if this is the right channel to talk about this, but i have no energy left to look for help anywhere else. i don’t know if i can go on any longer. even though our contact wasn’t the best, i miss him so bad. i don’t have a father around me anymore. i had to delete tiktok and limit instagram use because every time someone mentions their dad i just start crying.

i keep thinking about what i did in life to deserve such fate. i don’t think i was ever a bad person. i don’t understand why this happened to me.

After I lost one of my pets in 2021, a card was sent to me. The words still offer me solace.
“If I could have had all of the time in the world I would have spent it with you. Because time with you meant the world to me.”

I’m not sure where the year has gone and it feels like far less time / last month that he left us. I’d love to learn from your wisdom how you kept their spirit alive on the anniversary. I’m finding it too easy to return to that day and the mental hour by hour breakdown of it.

Sending everyone going through it love and positive thoughts ❤️

In the last 11 months...

My fiance of 4 years cheated and left me. 5 months later my father unexpectedly passes away. Leaving me to care for my mom who was fighting colon cancer. 3 months later our family dog of 17 years has to be put down. 5 months after that.... yesterday.... my mother dies due to her cancer spreading to her brain.

I am..... lost.... empty.... beyond sad.... tired.....

I feel like I have no direction....

I hate this empty agony inside me.

These were my closest friends or that's what I thought when my mom died i called one and said "i wish you were here" he said what will I even do I'll call you later my food is here. I'll call later he never called back. Another friend who lives just across the street said she will come to visit but then her "stomach ached" then next day her sister had a party she had to help her then she said she'll visit on Sunday but she didn't came no call no text nothing when I asked why she didn't came she said I should "think about other people as well" and I "shouldn't use people like toys other people have lives too just because your mother passed away it doesn't mean other people are free all the time." Another friend did the same thing i deleted their number and went no contact did i do the right thing? Also On my bday two out of three texted Happy Birthday as if nothing happened after three months of no contact no one even asked if i was okay or not? I feel sick to my stomach thinking about these people i called my friends i helped them find partners, i heard them vent about jobs and crushes, helped them rebuild their careers. Gave them so much energy and they could not even show up.