CWs for alcohol and SA/DV

I quit drinking a year ago with no support in place, all the shit I numbed with alcohol came flooding back and I've been an agoraphobic, anxious, unemployed shut in since then. I ended up in crisis for a week after about 10 months of total isolation.

At one point I was sat in a room for evaluation with a male therapist, male social worker and female CNA and sat next to the woman; when they asked about any history of sexual abuse I cried and she asked if that's why I sat next to her; I cried harder. It wasn't even a conscious choice, but I feel so constantly unsafe, and particularly unsafe in public and around men and it sucked having that pointed out to me. It means it's visible and perceivable and not just my secret inner thoughts. It affects everything I do and how I live.

They immediately gave me gabapentin and prazosin (extremely vivid dreams and nightmares since I was a kid, now as an adult I avoid sleep and it isn't restful anyway), and some Invega shot to help me stop dissociating. It seems to be helping a bit. I've responded to a few friends I have been ignoring for months, so that's positive.

Anyways, I had my intake with the outpatient psych on Monday after being released from crisis on Saturday. 6 hours later I walked out in tears with a ptsd diagnosis.

I feel....I don't know. It feels good to know I'm not just a whiny little bitch. It feels good to have someone say "that was trauma." (Mostly SA, but like...a lot, from early years to recent.) The psych seemed particularly concerned with how much I was watching the people pacing outside the window and how hypervigilant I am of my surroundings, which I'm assuming largely led to the diagnosis (aside from other symptoms and history of trauma.)

I'm nervous. I'm scared of how to move forward from here. I've been in therapy off and on my whole life and never made much progress. Maybe it'll be different with the diagnosis on my file? Is there some magical treatment for ptsd that a therapist wouldn't have considered before? I almost did EMDR a few years ago but didn't even make it through the intake appointments without getting overwhelmed and stopped going to that therapist. Does it work? I did DBT and it didn't help.

I start therapy next Monday and have a whole ass psych team now. I thought I was just anxious and having a psych confirm actual PTSD feels so unreal. Like it's not just throw a Xanax down my throat and call it a day, not run of the mill anxiety.

I'm scared I'll never get better. I'm scared I'll never function again. I'm sad I was so much more functional when I was killing my liver. Even though that meant blowing up my life once a year, I got to live my life the rest of the year, you know? I don't miss drinking but I miss who I was when the world was dulled. I miss not waking up every time I hear someone walking past my apartment. I miss not feeling my heart beat out of my chest when my upstairs neighbors move around.

But I'll be in therapy. I'm gonna try. I don't know how it'll go or how hard I can try, but I'll try. I'll probably delete this soon but I needed to get this off my chest and put all my thoughts out there, I'm sorry if this breaks any rules. Thank you for reading.

I take prazosin for my parasomnia nightmares and it helps a lot. But on that medication I can easily sleep 10-12 hours and I am SO tired in the morning.

Does anyone experience that as well? If you do, have you found a way to negate that side effect?

I have PTSD that was worsened by a traumatic birth that also led to the development of OCD. I am now postpartum again with baby number 3 and really struggling with anxiety in general, but specifically around being alone. My husband just told me he has to go away for work next week, leaving me with my 11 week old and 4.5 and 7 year old. I am completely overwhelmed and scared. I honestly just don’t know how I am going to do this with how awful I feel.

I have PTSD from multiple assaults towards me that all happened when I was 19/20.

I’m 32 now and have been dealing with panic attacks since then.

I’m 10 weeks pregnant with my first baby. But unfortunately I’m feeling really down and hopeless about it because I’ve been trying to overcome my panic attacks for 6 years now, and it’s like my body is stuck in fight or flight mode.

I literally can’t even get in the car as a passenger with people without benzos or I panic. I don’t leave the house alone because it’s intense panic mode.

Went to my physician today to discuss my trauma (a sexual trauma), a possible treatment plan, and to alert them to a key development in my sexual and mental health. The reaction I got was cold and clinical, even after I broke down crying. They dismissed it for the most part and suggested that I speak with a psychiatrist since I had a history of "psychiatric problems" making me feel crazy. The whole reason I wanted to speak with a doctor was because I wanted to have a legitimate diagnosis of PTSD, helping with a trauma-informed approach to the care I receive in the future.

My doctor proceeded to response incredibly coldly, suggesting I find someone to "talk to", ignoring my hesitation to start CBT (this hasn't worked for me the past - I prefer somatic, holistic treatments) and told me that most of the referrals she could give do not accept insurance and I would have to pay out of pocket. Then she told me she needed to start examining me and laughed in my face when she warned me part of the examination would be invasive and that she didn't' want to "trigger me hahahahaha."

I am beyond upset at the care I received. I feel belittled and crazy. I just wanted to be pointed in the right direction. I can't afford anything that my insurance doesn't cover. I am so upset. I feel hopeless and like I'll be stuck in my trauma forever today. I just need some support.

Advice and support would be appreciated.

I told my mom that I have PTSD and the only reason I told was because if she found out that I have it I would get victim blamed and she would complain that I didn't tell her and play the victim. So I was like I'll bite the bullet and just say it now.

Bad idea. I got victim blamed as always and then my mom played the victim.

Context but I reported my mom for csa a few months back(the case eventually got closed)

And my mom played victim by telling me how my accusations "hurt" her feelings and how we don't have a relationship.

And then she tries to spin the it goes both ways and that I need to tell her about what I'm saying in trauma therapy.

I go home and my mom pressures me to tell my dad that I have PTSD. And I get blamed again. And I overheard my mom tell my dad. "Oh gosh. She thinks everything was real." They think that I made up the accusations of incest and that I imagined it.

I love being told that the horrible abuse I suffered was just my "imagination" and then my mom goes on a rant about how I don't like her and how she does all this stuff for me.

Even when I basically told my mom that she and my family caused me to have ptsd she still found away to put the blame on me.

Sorry for the rant :(

Is it normal to cry a lot when working through trauma in therapy?

It's been over two months since the trauma. And I'm getting more and more tired.

I've been super busy and stressed in the last few days. I started taking valerian drops every night before bed to help me sleep better and have more energy on the next day. It helped a little.

After those last days, I was absolutely exhausted tonight, so I didn't take any valerian. I thought I would just fall straight to sleep, but guess what? I closed my eyes and started thinking about some stuff I need to do tomorrow, and then (as always) I remembered my trauma. My heart started pounding in my chest and I had trouble breathing. And now I'm awake.

It’s so frustrating. On the one hand I’m making some improvements, for example when I go out, on the other hand my body is always getting more stressed and tired. It’s sending me so many stress signals and I can’t do anything about it. I’m feeling helpless.

Does someone maybe feel like I do? :(

TRIGGER warning - CA

As a lot of us in this group have experienced similar to what he is saying I just wanted to start a discussion....please be civil

What are ya'lls take on what he is saying? We all know why people believe him - many of us saw her actions on TV. If you think he is embellishing some of it or not being honest why do you feel that way?

What is your take on the adult siblings not speaking out? Kate really hasn't said much either tbh - I think mostly some small comments on tiktok (surprises me). Part of me truly feels they (not Kate) are protecting him from something 🤷‍♀️

Last year my lease horse suddenly passed away from colic. Since then I have had reoccurring flashbacks and anxiety surrounding the event. I never saw his body and I wasnt there when he died. My mom got the message he was having mild colic in the evening and in the morning when i woke up she broke the news that he had to be put down due to an impaction.

Since then I have been terrified of people and pets suddenly dying. I also already had symptoms of OCD that only got worse after the event. Everyone around me is tired of my overreacting and gets mad when I over think now.

Today my horse had some straining to poop. He's my first horse and its my first time dealing with anything colic related. I know from someone that knew him before I bought him that he gets constipated during fall and its happend every year, but im still so worried. I let my coach and barn owner know and shes keeping an eye on him. He did end up pooping after around 10 to 15 minutes of mild straining and he has no other symptoms. I'm still incredibly worried though.

So far I have thrown up, had multiple panic attacks, been uncontrollably sobbing, and been dissociating on and off. I keep having flashbacks to when I found out my lease horse was dead and having panic attacks over it. Im scared to sleep beacuse I dont want to wake up to my best friend being dead.

My mom is mad at me for crying about it and told me to stop over reacting and that I can't use this as an excuse. I'm not trying to over react I'm just so scared.

Worst part is the fact there's a chance he won't be okay beacuse he very well could be colicking which can take a turn for the worst very fast.

I just feel so stupid though because people get PTSD from actual trauma and mine is from a horse that wasn't even mine dying. I didnt even see the body.

I just feel so stupid

I'm a 35-year-old male and I have noticed that since my abuse that I've developed self-sabotage or maladaptive coping. I'm aware of them I just don't have it in me to stop them. It's usually just delaying things, stopping myself when I know I could move ahead or just laying in bed all day. When I go throughout the day it's like I feel this shame that's attached to me all the time and that's what causes me to do it. Will it eventually go away? I'm also filled with self doubt all the time. My abuser would try to do is try to get me to do what they wanted and then they would call me crazy if I didn't.

I was diagnosed (currently 21F) two years ago, and had various severe symptoms at the time: memory loss, scrambled thoughts, daily nightmares, etc… and then subsequently went through an extremely traumatic situation (different entirely) this past summer.

Now, I find myself having more acute “flashbacks,” which I only rarely experienced previously.. on top of that, verbal and psychical ticks have become extremely frequent/more intense in nature… and for the first time since my diagnosis two years ago, I lost my ability to hold a coherent conversation temporarily again.

I have a therapist and am beginning EMDR again, so rest-assured this is all going to professional ears primarily… moreso coming to this community to find people with similar experiences/hear stories from others.

Thank you for reading!

As the title says, I'm just looking for advice for who I'm supposed to see for a suspected ptsd diagnosis.

Hello everyone! This is my first post in this community. Im a minor and I most likely don't have PTSD, but I don't know for sure because my mom forbids me from seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist. Her reservations consist of arguments like they'll start gossiping about me or that she doesn't have time to take me to doctors. About two weeks ago we visited a doctor who makes the sheno corsets (This is a corset for the treatment of scoliosis and I have 2-3 degrees on one thoracic and one lower arc), and as usual, he examined my naked torso(We come to him once every six months or three months for diagnostics and for him to adjust something in my corset or make a new one). While he was examined my torso it didn't bother me but it did bother my mother. The doctor added 1 centimeter of pressure in my thoracic spine, and after that, it was impossible to wear the corset. It was and still is painful for me to wear the corset in that exact spot where he inserted it. It hurts so much that I'm crying because the pain is unbearable. I haven't worn a corset for two weeks, but today I promised my mother that I will wear a corset from now. That night, I put on a corset to sleep in, and half an hour later, my back was in excruciating pain where the doctor had added 1 centimeter. I literally screamed in a low whisper so my mother wouldn't hear. Then my upper arm started to go numb near the inside of my shoulder, so I decided to take off the corset and go into the bathroom. When I got into the bathroom, I saw it on my back after literally an hour of wearing the corset There's a red mark in that very spot. It was bright red. My arm, my back still hurt and I'm shaking, even after I took off the corset btw. Then I decided to go to my mom and tell her that the corset was too tight, but she said that in 2024, when I started wearing a corset, I complained in exactly the same way. However, I don't think it was as painful as it is now. I told her to make an appointment with the doctor who adjusted my corset. She said: "And what will I tell him? That the corset is pinching? He'll say that we're some kind of fools and that the corset is supposed to be pinching, it's not armor for beauty." I objected and said that the corset was pressing too hard and not as it should be and I told her to tell him that I was dying in the corset and it was too painful for me. She said the most terrifying thing imaginable: "You're going to come to him and cry on his shoulder. You miss him". It sounded really problematic.. Also I mentioned it a couple of times after the appointment in conversations with my mother about the prices of the appointment. After she said her problematic things, I covered my ears and screamed "shut up" nonstop. I didn't want to listen to her.

Besides this, before this event, in the evening when I was reading a text from the computer for her without a corset, she came up to me from behind and started touching my back. I asked her to stop, but she continued, then I broke free. Then she told me that it wouldn't happen again, and this happened several times until she finally left me alone. I hate it when anyone touches my back. I want to die so much, I can't wear the corset. It's impossible to be in it, and I have exams coming up soon. I don't want to do anything, I can't live like this, and I can't even get a psychiatrist's diagnosis or even medical psychological help. We have a school psychologist at school, but they suck and tell everything to my parents and class teacher, and psychologists cannot prescribe treatment or diagnoses, unlike a psychiatrist.

And how is it treating you bc me personally I'm loving it (btw thanks for listening to my autistic rant have a good...no have a better day you deserve it

I can remember myself at 8yo as a stronger logical ass kid. And now at the ripe age of 26, sometimes everything effects me I have become so sensitive and effected by everything. I don't like what I have become. I went to therapy and I blabbered a bunch of stuff because I myself was confused what was hurting me so much. My trauma is in childhood is basically related to neglect and emotional abused. I have an undiagnosed mother and a narc father for context.

Any resource or advice is direly welcomed as I feel really helpless.

My parents and everyone I know is acting like why am I underperforming as a fully functional adult while I was totally okay as an unassisted kid after major life events. One of my peers even told me to just grow up. All of this is causing me great deal of resentment towards everyone. Something I didn't care about before.

I experienced a lot of sexual assault from multiple people of varying ages (and genders) when I was a child. No clue how little I was when it started, but the physical stuff stopped around 13yo. For as long as I can remember, I’ve self soothed with things involving SA. Up until I was about 11 or 12, that was daydreaming or fantasizing at bedtime about being SA’d. In my head, I called the bedtime fantasizing my “night movies” that helped me fall asleep. Then as I got older, I found out about fanfiction and found myself seeking out non-con and dub-con fics and reading them constantly. Then in my late teens and now into adulthood, I’ve also consumed tons of “dark romance” books and sometimes actually watching or looking at porn with the same themes. Some of my favorite movies and books are my favorites because there are disgusting adult male characters who are obsessive over the fmc, or abusive in some sort of sexual or suggestive way. It’s almost every day that I’ve at least read stories with that same subject matter for years.

When I try to stop, I start feeling physically uncomfortable within a couple of days, and really agitated and more depressed after a couple of weeks. But at the same time, it keeps the intrusive memories around and brings me so much shame. I absolutely hate that I can’t stop seeking it out over and over and over. I know this is something I should bring up with my therapist, but I haven’t been seeing this one for very long and I’m too uncomfortable and just don’t know how to bring it up.

Partly I just needed to vent, but I’m also curious if this is a common issue or if there’s just extra wrong with me lol. Also, if anyone has any tips on how to stop (or how to approach this topic in therapy), that would be incredibly appreciated. I feel like I’m getting to the end of my rope with it, but ignoring the fact that it’s an issue isn’t really an option either because of all of the discomfort it causes.

i've been suffering. a lot. recently. and i guess my brain is craving the "safety" of my trauma. i won't go into details, but i've thought about seeking out people to reenact it, because my body is just constantly bracing for something, and it's almost like i need it to happen to feel whole again. it doesn't feel right to be treated properly. i'm not deserving of a life where people love and respect me. i can't even trust that the people in my life truly think that of me, even with the evidence to prove it's true. i'm not going to do anything to "reenact" my trauma, it's just such a strong craving, to the point my body physically aches and i can't even stand. it's been like this for weeks, i just want a release, and sometimes this feels like the easiest option.

I like listening when I'm thinking about my shitty dad btw any recommendations or do u need any and what music or songs have helped you guys when you were on the edge of a breakdown I appreciate all of you guys thanks for listening

I made this account because I wanted to ask something that my friends uncle said. For some context he served in the Vietnam war and he is a very nice but quiet man and loves photography. But the thing I wanted to ask was one day me and my friend were curious on how the Vietnam war was so we decided to ask his uncle . Later in the day when His uncle was in the kitchen we asked him “ what was Vietnam like when you served” . Then I don’t why but every thing became to quiet and he had a depressed look on his face and said one thing “It was like the eyes of a dead man walking” nothing else. But they way he said it and the tone I don’t why but it scared us to not asking anything else or more so we left but I still thin about what he said and I want to know what he meant but I don’t understand and I’m to scared to ask my friends uncle more

My doctor said recently that she thinks I have ptsd, and I don’t know how to feel about it. It explains what I am experiencing, flashbacks and all that stuff, but it has gotten so bad that I can’t fall asleep, I zone out when the memories pushes itself back in my head. I have recently started university, and it’s going horribly. I think I’m gonna fail all my classes. I can’t read, because I zone out and get flashbacks. I cry every single day too, because I’m failing what I should be able to do, and it’s horrible. I got ptsd from my former partner of almost 2 years. I didn’t see it when I was with him, because he didn’t hit me, but he did everything else. I didn’t think about it for a month after we broke up, but I think it got triggered by a man (boy) who was trying to do something to me, and I almost didn’t get out of there. It is getting just worse and worse, and the waiting list to a psychiatrist is over a year, and it’s not even guaranteed that I get in. I don’t know what to do, everything is so bad right now. I am scared all the time, I am afraid of men when they are too close, when they flirt, when they show even the slightest bit of interest. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so lost in this pit of horribleness…
English is not my first language, so excuse misspelling and weird sentences

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It takes me to a terrible place telling/knowing details of SA, so I tried to take it down to a minimum and if you guys could avoid it while responding, I'd be very thankful.

I was SAed on the begging of my sexual life, but I dissociated completely, and would realize what had happened only years later.

Once I understood that it wasn't consensual, nor "the standard" for casual sex, the way I deal with my sexuality completely changed.

I am a bissexual, 28F, but since then, I have not "been able" to be sexually atracted to women, because I catch myself worrying if I might make them feel abused in some way.

On the other hand, when I go out with men, I feel almost "obligated" to end the date with sex, even when Im not completely into it (in my country casual sex on the first date is kinda ok). All the men I've met have been just regular guys looking for casual sex, just making that clear.

Anyway, I've managed to deal with vaginism and the feelings of guilty and shame, but my sexual drive decreased to nonexistent and I feel like I've been way more inclined to degrading sex than I was before the event.

What did you guys do that helped? I tryed vipassana meditation psychological and psychiatric care, they all've been helping a lot with getting rid of the negative feelings, but not with the building back (or rearranging) my desire part.

Anyways, thanks for this space.