i'm a single mom and i felt like it's my fault she died

my daughter died because of pneumonia, due to financial incapacity i wasn't able to get her checked immediately.

now i blame myself everyday for her loss, i still can't accept it. i failed as a mom, i hope i die soon while i sleep

A little over a month ago my dad passed away; he was in the ICU for almost a month. I’m his only daughter and I’m 23 years old.

I don’t know how people move on with their lives, I feel like I can’t. I had already lost my grandfather and pets, but the pain doesn’t compare, it’s unbearable. My dad was the only person who loved me unconditionally, he always told me he was proud of me and my studies, and now he won’t be there to see me graduate from college. It feels like nothing has meaning anymore.

We always told each other that we loved each other, but in the last month we hadn't been talking. I was angry because he hadn't called me for my birthday and other things, and I regret it so much. I was also sad because I felt like he wasn’t talking to me. I recently managed to access his phone, and it turned out he felt the same way I did. It was all so silly, just a misunderstanding. I know he loved me and I loved him, and that we were going to work things out, but we couldn’t.

I would give anything to see him one more time, I asked for his forgiveness and told him I loved him so many times during the hospitalization, I promised I would make it up to him when he got out and that we would eat pizza. Now I don't know how to live with the guilt and sadness.

I can't afford therapy. I'm taking antidepressants but I don't feel like they're working, and I can't afford another appointment. I don't know what to do. I'm fine when I'm busy or with people, but the moment I'm alone I fall apart.

I know he would want me to move on, live my life, and be happy, but I can't, my body aches from the sadness. Lately, I've even started having suicidal thoughts. I don't know what to do. I want to die.

I’ve recently lost both my mom and dad. I had so many of their clothes left that I chose to make a blanket out of them with Project Repat. It was expensive(to me anyway), but I’m so glad that I can curl up with a piece of them ❤️

Hello all! So long story short - my son was friends a few years ago with a little boy down the street that died last year. They were pretty good friends until middle school started. I was never particularly close with the parents but we get along. Plus the mom still asks about my son occasionally. Well I bought a wind chime for them for the anniversary. I just wanted to let them know my son and I didn't forget about their little boy. I told my husband about it. He thinks it's weird and I shouldn't give it to them. I know when my parents died it meant a lot when people remembered. He says it's different because I'm more of an acquaintance not a family friend. So should I return the gift? I don't want to overstep.

I know people die every year but I feel like this year was strongly marked by it for some reason, or at least that's how I perceive it. Just too many death annoucements this year, many by people whom I grew up with incluiding people on TV shows and unfortunately my mom was also not safe from how grim reaper was moving this year. I wish she made it to 2027, that's what I expected to happen. Does anyone else feel this way?

she died when i was barely six years old. im turning 15 soon and i just need my mum. everything hurts. i can’t go the rest of my life without her here. i hate cancer

Before my brother died and he was in active addiction he stole a lot of very valuable and sentimental things from me and pawned them. He admitted to my parents what he did when they confronted him, and as part of his recovery (which he took very serious at the time) he had to make amends. I was waiting for it to be my turn and I honestly was more proud than mad and planned to tell him so. He called me and for some reason I ignored the call. I don’t know why I did it, maybe it was too much for me to handle emotionally in the moment. I texted him some time later saying sorry that I missed him and asked what’s up and he changed the subject. He died a few months later and it has always ripped me apart that we didn’t have that moment.

In the last 11 months...

My fiance of 4 years cheated and left me. 5 months later my father unexpectedly passes away. Leaving me to care for my mom who was fighting colon cancer. 3 months later our family dog of 17 years has to be put down. 5 months after that.... yesterday.... my mother dies due to her cancer spreading to her brain.

I am..... lost.... empty.... beyond sad.... tired.....

I feel like I have no direction....

I hate this empty agony inside me.

My childhood friend died yesterday...from intestinal cancer..she was barely 18, she was so optimistic about life and Always eager to learn more....how can god do this...why...her mom already cured from cancer....how can they handle this pain....

Although we grew a bit apart after COVID because our classes changed, and we used always fight during childhood like this once we didn't talk to her for months because of something bad she did with some other frnd, butt also shared so many great memories, like doing a skits, making drawings, she loved to paint....

I tell my parents that i don't remember most of the childhood, but I do remember it, in almost every childhood memory of me being with my friends she's always there.

After COVID, she became more like a background character for me...as i mentioned our classes were different from then.

Then came 11th-12th, we have this huge entrance exam for math students for which students often go to a place called kota, a study hub.

She went there...but she came back in 12th ending...she came back home...we thought It might be because of her mother had bad health too...when she came back from kota sr came at my home, i was asleep...my mom woke me up , i was shocked to see her, i hug her, i tell her she looks pretty, we were smiling, then she went back.

Months later, every friend is now back home, we sed to hang during evening, but she didn't come most of the time, we were going to do karaoke once, she showed up finally, we saw her neck , clearly some glue residue visible, at that time we all knew she was going through some illness but didn't knew what it was or how serious, we asked her what it was, she said it was caused by a nail, we didn't question her but we knew it was not a nail. I think later we got to know it was cancer but still not sure.

But on Janmashtami iwas with my parents, i saw her....i saw how things she was...how hollow her cheeks were, i could almost see her trachea, she came up to me when i was in line for prasad for 10 seconds, i was in shock and didnt ask her anything about her appearance, later i tell my friends, from next day we tried to meet her, but her mom always picked up and said she was sleeping. She didn't reply to texts as well, there was no contact, my dad said it's ok...if she doesn't want to meet..don't ...now maintain your distance...cause you would only get hurt if u get attached more..

2 months later, my dad tells me my mother asked him not to tell me but that my friend has intestinal cancer...last stage...she have less chances of surviving, she was taken to hospital and got some surgery, i went to pray to god immediately, calling my other friend...

She survived almost 20 days i guess....then yesterday i got to know she died in morning....i was in shock, shivering...

I tell my father, he was shocked and on verge of tears too...today was her funeral...i didn't go...i just couldn't...i couldn't see her weak fragile lying dead, idk how to react in front of my family...i say we grew apart and now we can't do anything ,but I am sad since I heard the news, it's Navratri now...my mom takes me to garba, and i can't fight with her about not going cause if she asks reason i won't be able to tell her how it's bugging my mind...i don't show my emotional side to my family, maybe because if i cry they'll cry too...so i go anyway...now I am crying in my bed... thinking why did universe did it, WHY. Is god real? Is anything real? SHE WAS BARELY 18.....i can't stop thinking about her..

My dad who was battling stage four lung cancer that was metastasized died last night. I was there when he died, I saw his lips pale and through the day I kept counting how long he would go without his chest rising and when he passed it went to 90 secs before I called a nurse and he pronounced him dead at 10:30 and I just fell in the ground and cried. It is currently 5am and I haven’t gotten any sleep and every time I close my eyes I see his face when he passed and it’s devastating and soul crushing. We only found out about the cancer last month and he also had birthday three weeks ago. I’m only 30 and his youngest daughter and my mom and I were his caretakers and I saw the decline but it absolutely didn’t prepare me for this. Idk when I’ll be able to sleep without seeing his face and I took off work indefinitely so now I just wanna be in my room and cry day and night but also trying to be there for my mom who cries so hard bc they were together 50 years and we’re best friends. I feel like my life is just never gonna be the same

A person i knew from instagram passed away suddenly. We had only talked a few days prior. Our last interaction wasn't the best. But i can say it was honest. We had been acquainted for about two years. And exchanged slight convo over time. So they are someone i do miss even if it wasn't closest. They were a supportive person, and im going to miss them. Im sad about things we won't get to share or the opportunity to try and make up. I have no one to talk to. I've reached out to others who knew him, tried talking to my therapist, friends, and family, and prayed.. called some hotline just to be harassed by ai bots... dispite my study of grief. Being alone now really sucks! Just me and my dog on this one. She's been giving me extra cute faces. Im getting desperate, so im post here.. sad and lonely.. my only request if you respond is not with a "i once has a thing like that." i hate those kinds of reponses, and i dont care.. honestly.

My mom died three days ago, and this is my first time losing someone so close to me. My mom and I had a weird relationship. I was very, very close with her as an adult, but as a teen we fought a lot. Sometimes it was physical; sometimes we would insult each other. My mom was a very broken woman. She was extremely depressed and had been for all of my life. She had periods where she was happy, but she was more like a zombie than anything else. I am 24; my mom is 53 and will be 54 in November. I just really want someone to talk to. Someone who isn't a family member or friend, someone who doesn't know my mom. I tried calling a hotline, but no luck, as I don't have insurance. If anyone has any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it. Im struggling, and I hate the feeling I have. I want to learn how to cope with this feeling rather than let it become who I am. I know eventually it will get better, but right now I am struggling, and I am scared for myself. I have a lot of pain and anger. I find myself wanting to scream at people or physically attack them. I find myself thinking about hurting myself, which is something I've always struggled with, but this is something I feel I will give in to this time. I just want help and need to be pointed in the right direction.

My mom is a addict she went from using crack cause to prescription pills she also had Afib & a few other health issues. She went to bed around 5pm I thought she was sleeping it off & this morning I checked on her with my dad & she was ice cold. I’m 34 she has been using some form of drugs since I was 9-10yrs old. I’m angry at her im also sad . I was annoyed with her before she went to sleep because she was messed up off pills or she wasn’t & she was more sick than what she wanted to admit. I’m visiting my parents like I do every year with my 2 kids I have a 16yr old & 15 month old. My husband isn’t with me to help he’s too far away. She never took accountability for anything from my childhood & even with her own addiction. I didn’t tell her I loved her even tho I wasn’t super close with her.

My ex and I dated for 3 years. We had been broken up for 9 months, and the last time I saw him was 5 months ago. Despite how things ended between us (his infidelity) I still considered him the love of my life. Despite my attempts to move on during those 9 months, I never could. I held onto hope that we would find our way back to each other. Even though he was in a relationship with the person he cheated on me with, he tried to contact me so many times, including the night before he passed away. I didn’t reach out of respect for the girlfriend. I got a call from his aunt last week letting me know that he was murdered. I was in such shock, all I could think about was wanting to be with him but feeling so hopeless that I couldn’t. I offered the family my condolences and that I would help if they ever needed anything. I’ve never lost a partner, and I don’t know what’s appropriate and what isn’t. I posted a tribute for him on my social media stories that day. The post was innocent, sharing pictures of him and I over the years. I honestly did it to honor him, not to get attention or expose him in any way. That night, I get a nasty message from his most recent partner who hunted my socials down and told me to remove all pictures of him and I. Her stance was that i could honor him using a single photo of his and nothing else. I told her no, as I found it creepy that she stalked my accounts just to tell me off. She seemed pissed off that his family contacted me to tell me the unfortunate news.
The next day, I get a message from his brother to please take down the photos, as he was not ready to look at his pictures of his brother on social media. Out of respect for his family member, I did. I’m just questioning if my tribute was in poor taste considering the circumstances of his death.

I understand that I am the ex-girlfriend. I was not a part of my ex’s life for 9 months. Still, my love for him never went away. I was waiting for his return. We were going to get married. We almost had children together. We were each other’s first loves. I finished my graduate program with a broken heart because we had broken up, and I was working my butt off to build our future together. His family loved me. I’m devastated that the love of my life isn’t on this earth anymore and our relationship could never be rekindled. I feel so guilty that I couldn’t make the relationship work. Everyday I wake up in a state of dread. I don’t feel fulfilled in any areas of my life. Eating is pointless, my career means nothing. I had to take a week off work, and I feel like I need more time off. It’s like any joy that was left in my life died when he passed. My family doesn’t care how I’m feeling. The few friends I have stopped checking up on me. I don’t want to bombard his family while they are grieving too. I almost feel like my grief doesn’t count. I’m seeking therapy to help manage these emotions, but it’s pretty damn hard when insurance makes it a whole mission. I don’t know how to move forward, and I don’t even know if I’m allowed to grieve at all. It’s very isolating.

My dad died a little more than 3 months ago. I (21F) am just filled with regret tonight, as with most nights, but tonight especially. On our last trip together last December, i just remember not spending enough time with him, and being angry at him constantly. He had a weak heart and overall weak body as he had to do dialysis and other things, and understandably this made him easily irritable. However, I would get mad back at him, and the whole trip i was internally blaming him for letting himself get that point of unhealthiness. I tried my best not to show it but just knowing i thought it kills me now. I remember on the flight back home, i still had this internal anger, yet a little voice was telling me that i should try not to be because what if this was the last time we can travel together? But no matter what, i just could not shake it off. I knew i would regret it but still here i am. Why was I not more understanding of his suffering? Last year i also moved into my dorm, and as such i didn’t get to spend much time with him nor my family, and he would call me often but I would only pick up occasionally when I was free, but not nearly enough. I see our WhatsApp chats and I hate myself, so I just don’t allow myself to open it anymore. I’ve never verbalised these regrets because I feel so so terrible, I feel so bad and if someone tells me it’s my fault I feel like I’ll just break down. Everyday is just another day of struggling to finish my uni assignments, club committee responsibilities, pretending that losing my dad has not fundamentally changed me into someone I don’t know anymore, and not falling apart from grief. Wish you could’ve stayed longer dad:(

my dad died almost 2 months ago by suicide, he hanged himself. im 19 and have been dealing with depression for about 5 years, recently i got diagnosed with autism. we talked about the pills i take and the things i struggle with. i had a few suicide attempts before and he was the only one who knew about them. i thought we had each others backs. turns out he never told me nor my mom (they are divorced and i live with her) about his apparent depression and visits to the psychiatrist. im heartbroken and honestly idk if i can ever go back to how stuff were before.

i called the suicide hotline about 2 hours ago because i was in a crisis. i don’t know if this is the right channel to talk about this, but i have no energy left to look for help anywhere else. i don’t know if i can go on any longer. even though our contact wasn’t the best, i miss him so bad. i don’t have a father around me anymore. i had to delete tiktok and limit instagram use because every time someone mentions their dad i just start crying.

i keep thinking about what i did in life to deserve such fate. i don’t think i was ever a bad person. i don’t understand why this happened to me.

I just found out my mother had a stroke. She is dying, and we don't know how much time she has left. I'm going to visit her in the hospital tomorrow to see her before it's too late.

She has been fighting severe health battles for a long time. She is diabetic, has congestive heart failure (CHF), and has already been through a below-the-knee amputation on her left foot and recently lost her right big toe. Her body has been through so much, and this stroke feels like the final breaking point.

I’ve never been through anything like this before. My mind is racing, and I don't even know what to expect when I walk into that hospital room or how to handle the grief that is hitting me right now.

For those who have been through this:

• How did you handle those final moments at the bedside?

• Is there anything I should say to her, even if she might not be able to respond?

• How do I get through the next few hours and days without completely falling apart?

Any advice, words of comfort, or coping strategies would mean the world to me right now. Thank you.

I don't know if its right I'm putting this out here but mygod. I literally don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do with my hands. I don't know what I'm gonna do next. Do I pick up the cup? Do I put my hands on my head. I don't know what to do with my feet, my eyes. HOW DO YOU BREATHE?!?!? I catch myself skipping breaths. How does the earth expect I move on from this loss? How is the sun rising and setting when it just lost someone? How is the world spinning madly on. I'm sane enough to know that people lose people all the time, but where do all these feelings go? I feel like digging the dirt sometimes. Its mildly comforting to hear about heaven, but sometimes I honestly just wanna crawl into the dirt really. I refuse to believe that they just become bubbles. One day they're here and the next they're just air.

Trigger warning - I do get a bit intense with my descriptions of her health and death, and it's just a lot in general, abuse addictions etc. I hope that's okay to post, I just needed to write it all out because I feel it's important to understanding the situation surrounding my mom's passing and why I need advice.

This is super long, so thank you to anyone who takes the time to read my post, I would appreciate anyone's thoughts, especially people who have gone through something similar, and might be able to give me some more perspective.

My mom died a bit less than a month ago, September 22nd, which still feels unreal.

She was a deeply troubled person. She struggled with alcohol to an extreme level, to the point where we had to hide the rubbing alcohol, hand sanitizer, and vanilla.

She's had that problem for as long as I can remember, although there was a pretty steady decline in her health throughout the years. She was never a good mother, and I usually ended up being the one to take care of her, even as a child. I always had to make sure she was still breathing, and there have been many, many times when I had to call the ambulance because she was overdosing, going into a diabetic coma, dealing with infections, and pretty much anything else you can think of.

She didn't just abuse her body with alcohol, but she also had a severe eating disorder, which doesn't pair well with the diabetes she developed about two years ago. She would get drunk, take insulin, forget to eat, and then forget she had taken her insulin, which led to her being in the ICU multiple times.

My dad left around three years ago, moving to a different province, although they still spoke often on the phone and he would always send her money. This, of course, led to her declining even further. Since then, my mom was constantly in and out of detox, rehab, and the hospital. When she wasn't in any of those places, she lived with me and my grandma, which caused a lot of trauma and stress for both of us.

I'm only 23. I just graduated post-secondary, and I've been trying to figure out life in general. I know I wasn't always the best person when dealing with all this. I would often fight with her, scream at her, and beg her to stop drinking. There were even times I threw things at her and just generally acted insane.

She was a very cruel person when drunk. She would point out every single thing that was an insecurity, and she would say that everyone else was to blame and that she had a disease (alcoholism) and couldn't stop. There were a lot of times where she also hit me. I had to constantly check that she was still breathing and feed her because she just would not eat. There were so many horrible nights when I had to drag her up the stairs and into an ambulance because I wasn't sure she was going to make it through the night.

I mostly dealt with her because my grandma just wasn't mentally capable of handling it. She denied my mom had a problem throughout my entire childhood, despite what I, or my siblings would say. My grandma denied it all the way up until my mom started living with us after my dad left. It hit her like a truck. She had never dealt with anything like this, and the stress it caused her was genuinely cutting years off her life, I'm sure.

All that to say, I was placed in a situation where my mom was almost entirely my responsibility. My sister and brother backed out of it years ago and have not been a support, through any of this. I can't even really say I blame them, but as the youngest, it means I had a lot of years of being alone with this burden, even before my sister left home, she would constantly be out with friends and just in her room. This meant that I became the main person to deal with my mom at around age 11, although I still did my fair share before I became the only one. My dad also worked on the road, so he was hardly home, and usually added to the stress, instead of helping it.

Things had been coming to a boiling point for a while, and my grandma demanded that my mom find some help and somewhere else to live. My mom did keep going to rehab, but it never changed anything. She would be drinking within a week of coming back home. Things were bad, and there's so much that I don't even have the time to describe.

This led to what eventually killed her, and why I can't stop feeling guilty.

My mom had been in the ICU several times within the last few months. During one of those visits, before the last time, she was on life support. Her body was giving up on her. She just kept getting really ill, and I'm sure it was because of her drinking and starvation. She was only 80-ish pounds at the end of her life.

The last hospital trip started after I had been left alone with her for about a month. My grandma was in a different province, where my grandpa lives, helping him after surgery. (My family is very complicated and very small, with so much drama and strange ways of living that I don't even know how to start describing it.)

Things had been tense between me and my mom. I was so frustrated that she was killing herself slowly. I begged and did everything I could to try and get her to change, and I think it took parts of my soul with it every time I tried.

I was just so tired. I couldn't do it anymore, and I started to ignore her because of how angry and resentful I had become. Two days before she went to the hospital, she had stopped coming upstairs, and she would text me to bring her food. I would get mad, saying that she should come and get it herself because she needed to get out of bed. I didn't want to enable her to stay rotting in her room.

The day she went to the hospital, she called for me, saying she needed help. She lived in the room right below me, so I could hear her. But I ignored it because I thought she was just really drunk, which she was, but she also had a serious problem.

She called the ambulance herself and somehow dragged herself up the stairs and left without saying anything else. I didn't even know that she called. I later found out that she had pneumonia, sepsis, and six fractured ribs (from falling off her electric bike while drunk).

I had no idea she was sick. I had no idea her ribs were broken. I thought she just wanted to avoid coming upstairs. She wasn't coughing or anything, and she didn't complain about her ribs hurting. It turned out that she had no idea she had those problems either. What led her to calling was that she felt like she couldn't breathe.

The first two days in the hospital, she was conscious and had a breathing mask on, but she could understand what was happening and didn't think anything major was going to happen. It was just another hospital visit, which was normal for her.

But things started to decline. They ended up needing to put her on a ventilator and sedate her because of how uncomfortable she was. I visited her the first day she was on the breathing tube, and she was actually pretty conscious. She wrote on paper to tell me she wanted a cigarette, which ended up being our last conversation. Luckily, when I left, I told her I loved her, and she nodded and held my hand.

They had to keep upping her oxygen and sedating her more. I visited every day. I held her hand and spoke to her, but I don't know if she could hear me.

It was like this for three weeks. I kept calling for updates, and things just steadily declined. They thought it was the infection causing her inability to breathe, but it turned out that they had gotten rid of the infection, and the real problem was how immensely damaged her lungs were. I was told that there was no way to fix this and that she would never be able to recover.

My grandma and I had to make the choice to take her off life support. I have never had to make a choice that difficult, but knowing that she would never get better made me choose to end her suffering.

I was with her, with my grandma, when she passed. That image is seared into my brain. After they removed the breathing tube, she was still unconscious. She then suffocated until she died. I think it was only like 10 minutes, but it felt like hours. I can't stop seeing and hearing it. It's several times a day that I remember it.

Despite everything, I love my mom. I still do, so much. There were good moments with her, periods of sobriety when she was a different person, and even during her addiction, it wasn't always fighting. We had a lot of conversations, and we did a lot of things together, but within the last while, those moments became fewer and fewer.

I wished for nothing more than for her to recover because I love her and wanted a better future for her and our relationship. She had done a lot of horrible things to me and my siblings, but I still can't help but feel absolutely devastated.

I didn't know this would be the last time. I didn't know that she was so sick. I didn't know that I would never get the chance to spend more time with her. I know it probably wouldn't have changed anything, but I wish I had taken the time to notice that she wasn't doing well, not just from the alcohol. Maybe if I hadn't been so mad and full of rage everytime I spoke to her during those last few days at home, I would have noticed she was sick earlier. Maybe if I had noticed, I could have gotten her help before all the damage happened to her lungs.

I feel like a horrible person for ignoring her that day. I feel like a horrible daughter. No matter how many times my family and friends tell me that I couldn't have known, and that it's understandable that I was tired of dealing with it because of how bad things had been, I can't stop feeling this huge, agonizing guilt.

I ignored her when she asked for help, and yes, she ended up getting help herself. It doesn't change the fact that I ignored her. She spent her last weeks at home feeling like I hated her, and at times, I really thought I did. Now there's no more time to repair our relationship. There's no chance to tell her that I'm sorry. I did repeatedly tell her I was sorry when she was dying, but I doubt she could hear me.

Now I just don't know how to move forward. I feel like I can't do anything anymore, and I've been lying in bed for weeks, wanting everything to stop. I can't focus on the present when I feel like I fucked up so badly. I can't think of a future when she no longer has one.

I know parents usually die before their children, but I thought I'd have more time. It should have been another 30-something years before this. She was only 49 years old. She didn't even make it to 50.

Everything feels crushing and like an impossible task. I have to use all my energy to do basic things like shower and brush my teeth, which I haven't been doing as much as I should. I've never dealt with the loss of a family member, or any human for that matter. Pets, yes, but never people. I don't know what it's supposed to be like, and I'm not sure if, even after almost a month, not being able to function at all is normal.

I just don't know how to live when everything feels like too much. Even leaving my room exhausts me. Everything reminds me of her. There's so much of her stuff here, and I can't even stand to look at it. It's everywhere. My grandma wants me to get up and get back to life, but I just can't. I can't face the world, let alone work or go out with my friends. I just want to lie down and never wake up again.

Everyone keeps telling me it'll start to get easier, but it hasn't gotten any easier. In fact, I think it's gotten worse in different ways. Part of me still keeps expecting her to come home, like she always did after going to different treatments and hospitals. Even though her ashes are sitting on the mantle, I know logically she's gone, but part of my subconscious can't accept that.

What am I supposed to do? How can I start to recover when I can't even leave my bed? I keep trying, but I shut down and just end up going back to my room. I can't do anything, even if I want to.

My grandma thinks I'm being lazy and that I'm not managing this well, which is true, but I don't know how to get over this crushing feeling every time I try. I don't even know how to explain to her what I'm feeling.

I do have mental illnesses, one being persistent depressive disorder, which has caused small periods of somewhat similar feelings, but never this intensely for this long. I keep taking my meds and talking to my therapist, but it's not helping. I feel like my life paused the day she died, and I haven't been able to resume it no matter how hard I try.

I'm not even sure why I felt the need to write this. I guess I just wanted to hear some outside perspectives, and I don't even really have anyone to talk to about this. My family is obviously not always the healthiest, and I know they won't help if I talk, so I don't.

I don't know if there is any advice that could help me, but I'm desperate. I don't want to rot away, but doing anything else feels like torture and impossible.

Note: I have no active plans to end my life, so currently, suicide isn't my main concern. It's just a feeling that I want things to end, not that I plan to actually end it. I have struggled with suicidal ideation for years, and it is something my therapist and psychiatrist is aware of.

I really wish so badly that my mom had a better life while she was on this earth, I wish she never had to go through hardships and all the heartbreak she did, I wish we were smarter and realized its also her first time living and being a mom. I just wish I could tell her how sorry I am, I wish I could've made her life better while she was still here. Theres so much I wish I could've done.

My mother had stage 4 ovarian cancer she died 5 months ago I was the one who pronounced her dead i was the one who suggested her to get her swollen leg checked i was there for her chemos her surgery the vomiting all the pain she endured I was all the time with her i was her nurse her caretaker her entertainer her personal standup comedian i was her therapist i was her protector even though she wasn't much involved in my life yet i gave all I had because I just loved My momma alot I hope one day I'll get to feel her love and I did but it was too late it was only starting to get better i needed more love from her i wanted more love from her all the screaming all the manipulation gaslighting I survived by her i wanted reward i just wanted her to love me for little bit more. How do I survive that I'll never be loved ever again?

She visits me in my dream but then I wake up and it's horrible Horrible idk how to make sense of it?

Admittedly I don’t know how to describe this feeling.

It’s been 7 years since my father has died. I was his longest tenured child. He had multiple wives and multiple children across those years. I got him at 49. He was born in 1947 and I was the last. 3 sons, 3 daughters. Growing up I thought he was young, spry and full of life. Childhood ambition guaranteed myself that I’d be his age when I buried him but I had no clue of the world around me.

22 years go by and the worst imaginable thing buzzed my tower. Cancer. He had it in other places and beat it in the past. Bladder and esophageal. Up and down with treatment but that man beat it and spit in its face each time. But leukemia was the one that he had no answers for.

Between all his kids, even with one passing, he was a 4x grandparent. He was “Gramps” to all of them. They loved him but loved them more. Everything he did was for them.

I’m now 29 and I’ve had my own child. His 5th grandchild. Another girl and I struggle everyday with how I can make him proud of me and how I’m attacking the hardest thing that has ever happened to me.

I speak to him every chance I get and I just cannot fathom my hero not being here to experience this with me but everyone tells me they see him in my mannerisms everyday but I feel like I’m not doing much to fill those shoes.

I would love for anyone to give me some advice or inspiration to help me be the best man I can be for my daughter and for my family.

I don’t know how to start this off.. I don’t know if I’m asking for advice or if I just need to get this off my chest. I keep waiting for the mornings to get better. This morning I am particularly struggling. Last night I kept picturing him walking in through my front door. I’m supposed to be building our son’s crib today. All I can think about is how we would’ve been doing it together.. I know he’s gone. I’m not in denial but I am full of guilt for everything. Everyone keeps saying that he was in love with me. I made his life better. And that he battled these struggles for a long time as if I should take comfort in that.. but I saw the hope in his eyes. I saw him happy, I saw him changing for the better, I saw him falling in love with life itself and his hobbies again. He was so excited for the arrival of our son. He talked about getting married the same week it happened not just to me but to his family. Hearing all that said makes me hate myself. I wanted all those joys too without a doubt, I told him it could be a ring pop and I would still say yes. So why did I say those terrible things to him? I keep replaying all that I said. I was just so hurt and tired of my efforts being misunderstood. I kept apologizing and asking if he needed comfort? Reassurance? Solutions? If he just needed me to sit there and listen? I couldn’t understand why it went up in flames so fast. He sounded so sweet over the phone but it shifted when I came home. I usually am the more calm and collected one. I used to take on more of the ugly because I knew the anger he felt was a mask for the pain he was feeling. I wish I kept my mouth shut and maybe he would still be here and I wouldn’t be writing about how I lost my son’s dad. We had an argument before he left. His last words were “I can’t live like this anymore”… As upset as I was I tried to stop him from leaving I grabbed onto him tight as he tried going out the door. I held his waist and I was begging him. I blame myself for not holding back my frustrations, for not watching my tongue, for not fighting harder to make him stay or following him. Instead when I got pushed to the ground the wind got knocked out of me. I hate that I didn’t just get up and run after him. But instead I held my son in my stomach and cried. I shut the door. A part of me wanted to call and blow up his phone. Another part of me wanted to call the cops. But instead I chose to give him space. Thinking I’ll give it time to simmer down and I will apologize.. that time never came. Instead I got a call, I’ll never forget what his dad said. It will forever haunt me. I feel like I will be going to hell for all this. I should’ve known so much better. Life is so hard, I don’t know what to tell my son when he’s older. I don’t even know how I’m going to do this on my own.. but I am trying everyday I hope my son knows that I love him more than I could ever possibly put into words so that is why I am doing all this. I feel like I can’t stomach this guilt but my responsibilities are much bigger. That day I met 4 cops, I gave them my statement. I begged to see him and they told me that they couldn’t let me do that. I didn’t see him but I saw his vehicle and I immediately understood why I wasn’t allowed to see him. I even had one of the cops reach out personally he told me that if I really felt guilty and wanted to make things right then I need to stay for our son because it’s what my partner would’ve wanted. So I am trying, so far it hasn’t been easy. Going to these appointments alone, everyone looks so sad to see me, I feel like I can’t face any of his family. I don’t know how to face my own son. I keep talking to our son through my stomach telling him we’ll be okay that I will carry him throughout navigating his life.
I feel like a shit mom already, thinking about how my baby is feeling everything I am feeling. I don’t know what to do anymore. Am I doing this right? I don’t want to be a parent consumed by grief but I feel like it has its claws deep in the roots of me. I can still rationalize what I need to do and how I need to do it but all this pain I don’t know what to do with. I should’ve done more for my partner. I should’ve done more for our son. I should’ve done more for our family. I think this will be with me for the rest of my life and I fear that in time it will only get more heavier. I don’t know what to do.