Edit: thank you all for the lovely comments and conversation about this. I'm really happy to see all the discussion going on from people all over the spectrum of sexuality and lifestyle. I almost deleted this post when I first made it because I was embarrassed and afraid of being misunderstood, but I'm really happy I didn't because I think it's so cool how meaningful this topic is to you guys. Thank you again and I hope y'all are having the best day today 🫶🏻

Yes, I know that that is a common and valid response/reaction to physical abuse. I also have no problem with BDSM dynamics and relationships. I have happily and consensually participated in some light/mild BDSM during sex with people I loved and trusted very much. This is just me venting. Also TW: for SA

I was sexually abused by many people in many ways in my life since I was at least eight or nine years old. Whether it be family friends, members of both my immediate/extended family, grown ass men online, guys I went to school with or romantic partners. And BDSM or overall sexual violence, for some fuck ass reason, was essentially seen as the default 90% of the time.

When I was 17 years old and I was in my first actually sexually active relationship with a guy in my class, there were so many times where he choked me so hard that I truly thought I was going to die. This same person, who was literally just a 16 year old kid, tied a rope around my neck and "walked me" around his house like a fucking dog. And when he was done, he had my bare ass naked self "sit" on the kitchen floor, where he proceeded to open the fridge, pull out a can of ginger ale and insulted me while he took sips of it. And after he was done degrading and humiliating me, as a final "fuck you" to me I guess, he took his can of ginger ale and poured it all over me. It's been just about nine years since that, and I've only just recently gotten to the point where I can see someone drinking ginger ale without wanting to cry and run away. I refuse to keep it in my apartment, though. And I refuse to drink it. I never want that disgusting awful shit near me again.

I loved this person more than life itself at that point. I didn't want to be insulted. I didn't want to be degraded and beaten and bruised and walked around the house like an actual fucking dog just to have ginger ale dumped over my head and onto my naked body I just wanted to love and be loved. Violence isn't love to me, it's never been love to me. For me, love is taking care of each other. Being slow. Just enjoying each other. That's love to me. Sexual violence, or any form of violence, really, is the exact opposite of love to me. It's scary. It's upsetting. It's hyperactive in the most awful and uncomfortable way. I've been abused so many times by so many people, and during the abuse I wanted nothing more than for it to stop. Why the FUCK would I want to replicate that in the most vulnerable position you can put yourself in?

I absolutely despise the fact that BDSM is now seen as "the default." Why the fuck are teenagers tying each other up in barbed wire and doing rape roleplays? My experience was from high school in 2017-2018, I can only imagine how awful it is now with social media normalizing it and making it so casual. I've heard so many stories of people meeting their tinder date at a bar just getting to know each other for them to be in bed three hours later just naturally choking/slapping/beating each other (or asking to be choked/slapped/beaten) from the absolute get-go with very minimal, if any, trust and conversation about it beforehand. Hell, I've heard of people getting ghosted after a date/hook up because they didn't naturally assume their partner liked that shit. It's one reason why if my wife and I don't work out for some reason, I'll be single and abstinent for the rest of my life. I also hate being accused of "being lame" or shamed for being "vanilla" (as if it's a slur) because I don't want that shit. I don't want to slap you and degrade you the first time I sleep with you, and you better not fucking try to do that shit to me. It's lonely and isolating, really. Sometimes it makes me feel like my assaults and abuse must not have been "serious enough" because if they were, I would've developed a kink/fetish for it. Since it seems like everyone else has.

If you read this far, I appreciate it. This is something that's been on my mind for a very long time, and I just needed to finally get it out before I went crazy.

Got told by a psychiatrist, where I had planned to get help for my C-PTSD, that my trauma wasn't "bad enough".

She asked: "Have you experienced death in your family that was traumatic?" No. "Have you experienced sexual violence in your family?" No.

She then smiled painfully and said "Then we can't help you. We have to prioritise the severe cases."

And I looked at her as someone who experiences emotional flashbacks at least once a day, has a body who's allergic to stress and who can't do basic things in my day to day life.

I don't have bad enough trauma? From a father who used emotional manipulation daily to get me to do as he wanted? Who closed the door so that I couldn't escape just because he wanted to "talk"? From a father who now makes it impossible for me to be around men, or just people in general, who use their voice too loudly?

I don't have bad enough trauma?

And I get it. They can't treat everyone. But saying yes to those two questions was the ONLY way you could be allowed treatment.

So now I have to wait 5+ years until I have a stable enough job to be able to pay the crazy sum that's needed for private care. (I live in Scandinavia)

I am fucking distraught, and my partner is too.

I can't keep living like this. I can't. It's exhausting.

I feel like this can be a core component of CPTSD, that maybe gets overlooked. It seems to encompass everything that happens with abusers, and is the main difficulty to process when it comes to enablers of trauma.

Just to give a definition -

Betrayal trauma is the psychological and emotional harm that can occur when someone violates your trust, loyalty or reasonable expectations of care, honesty and responsibility within a relationship. It can be particularly distressing when the person who betrays you is someone you have come to rely on, respect, feel connected to or regard as trustworthy.

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I feel like the aftermath of prolonged betrayal in relationships from adolescence to adulthood creates a breeding ground for hyper-vigilance, avoidance, shame, guilt and distrust in yourself and ofcourse others.

It’s scary how such an occurrence being repeated can create a disturbing dynamic where you become normalised to relationships where you become prey to others. You stop defending yourself, and stop expecting someone to come save you or stand up for you. Especially yourself.

Such a traumatic dynamic becoming normalised can be a self fulfilling prophecy, where institutions and care providers who should help you, can create the same betrayal you endured in childhood. This can be a combination of lack of self empowerment, and maliciousness of abusive hidden agents in powerful positions.

————————————

I’m sure they are many on here who have suffered this type of trauma with parents, siblings, friends, teachers, partners, work colleagues etc…

Edit - Found a great video explaining the impact of betrayal trauma on the brain and body (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=y5ssPRmnkbM&pp=ygUPYmV0cmF5YWwgdHJhdW1h&ra=m)

It took me embarrassingly long to start questioning my relationship with him.

He was always been weird with me, but it all felt so normal. I vaguely remember some moments that make me cringe inside today.

Like when I was a kid, maybe 8 years old. We were at a beach with our family friends. I remember changing out of my swimsuit with a towel around me. My dad was behind me and he yanked the towel down, exposing me. His friend, also a grown man, was sitting next to him and they both found it funny. I wrapped myself again and tried to continue changing when he did it again, this time grabbing me by my arm, pulling me closer and slapping my butt a few times. He held me in place, naked, as he and his friend laughed, and I distinctly remember his friend slapping my butt as well and saying “how cute”. I started to cry from embarrassment, and tried to yank my arm away, but my dad held me in place. He told me to calm down and stop crying and only when I did, he let me go to put clothes on.

Stuff like that, butt slaps, wasn’t uncommon. Growing up, I was perfectly used him slapping/caressing/pinching my butt, my thighs, my stomach. He would especially sometimes be fixated on the “adorableness” of my butt. I have distinct memories of him saying he could eat my butt up if I was wearing leggings, or a skirt that he’d lift to slap me, or even bite me. When I started nearing my teens, I remember finding it annoying, and as I started showing annoyance, he started being less handsy, but it never really stopped. An occasional butt slap was never out of the question.

Another seriously questionable memory was when my mom bought me my first bra. I never understood why, but she told me not to let my dad find out she bought it for me. One day after school, I changed and left it on my bed with my other clothes. My dad walked in later and saw it. He had a shocked expression and asked if it was mine and if I bought it myself. When I said yes and that my mom and I bought it, he told me I was too young for a bra, and had me take my shirt off and put the bra on. I stood there, my face red hot, while he evaluated the way my bra fit me. He took it off of me and took it away and told me my mom needs to buy me sports bras until I’m old enough for a real one.

Unfortunately, there are more memories that have popped up during my life, but I don’t feel like writing them down right now. I don’t even know what the point of this post exactly is. All I know is I’ve had symptoms and anxieties and thoughts my whole life and only recently have I had the courage to start thinking about the connection between those things and my relationship with my dad. I just don’t know if I’m overreacting, if he’s actually been innocent towards me while I’m the one who’s being questionable for these thoughts. I don’t know. And the craziest thing is that I love him so much. I guess I’m trying to find someone who might understand.

As most of us know, doing therapy on this stuff can lead to really hard weeks/months/years where everything is a trigger and the panic is right around the corner.

What are some good, low trigger warning, tv shows to dissociate to when going through it?

My list:
New Girl
The Office
Parks And Rec

Anybody got some others?

thread

Not contesting the validity of the concept. Of course, ideally, when all you faced in your family was abuse, neglect, betrayal, you'd want to find friends and a partner who are supportive and constitute a "family of choice".

But for some of us (like me) I doubt this will ever happen. People I connect with are far away because English is my emotional language but I can't see any of them. Besides I'd never, ever be a priority to them because they all have irl, live interactions with family and acquaintances.

Every single day that passes, I try to stay as busy as possible, but then the evening comes and I realize I'm all alone if it wasn't for the screen I'm typing on right now.

And then the SI kicks in. Because why on Earth would I want to stay in this life? I don't matter to people I like. I never did. I'm at best a spare wheel and at worst a huge inconvenience to get rid of. Nothing fills the void. I've spent years and years since college trying to make friends, but it never led anywhere except for a few chats every few days. That's it.

That's not enough to make me stay alive. I did chose the wrong partner who constantly triggers me because they are completely oblivious to my inner world. They never ask how I am, never have emotional talks with me, and are away 4 nights a week. At this point I'd rather be completely alone or even off myself and not have to deal with the feeling of being forsaken and abandoned constantly.

sincerely a woman who is done with the human race.

seriously is this just our nature? I am not a saint either I have hurt people too and I hate myself and need to isolate.

is love just an excuse to justify abusing others? parents to child, partner abuse to partner, having a pet and abandoning it, loving animals just for them to end up on my plate...i am on the verge of nervous breakdown. i don't like the human experience or being one myself.

Genuinely how to date with CPTSD. I don’t know how to bring my full self to when dating men, I just fawn and act all sweet. How do I feel safe with men, how do I even clock if a man is safe.

I don’t know what im doing

Posting because my nervous system has been completely fried for weeks and I feel completely alone in what I'm experiencing.

After dealing with a prolonged abusive situation with an authority figure at my university, I tried to seek help from the institutional support systems. Instead of protection, I hit wall after wall of denial, shifting jurisdictions, and bad advice that directly triggered the retaliation I was trying to avoid.

When I finally forced accountability through meticulous documentation and they felt cornered on paper, the system pivoted to protect itself. Now, I am dealing with institutional gaslighting: staff telling me I wasn't clear enough when I asked for help, that it was a misunderstanding, dismissing objective facts as my "feelings," labeling my stress as "combativeness," and delaying access to my own files under vague excuses. Every time I cite a rule that they broke, they tell me “I understand that you’re angry and you feel like you were betrayed”, and I tell them to please keep the conversation anchored to the policy and the rules instead of my feelings, otherwise it’s not productive and they’re shifting objective policy failures into subjective feelings. It’s maddening and sickening.

Every interaction with them triggers an intense physical trauma response. I get nightmares at night about it; it’s like I’m half asleep, my body isn’t even fully asleep. I’m literally having conversations with them in my dreams in loops. I shake, my heart races, I feel nauseous, and a deep sense of despair. Like no matter what I say, they have all just decided to deny the facts and make me look unreasonable for demanding accountability or demanding that they stick to the rules and the policy.

It feels like the secondary trauma of fighting the institution for protection is almost worse than the original event of abuse from this authority figure, because they make you feel like your survival instincts and self-advocacy are symptoms of you being "unstable” instead of their failure to protect you.

If anyone here has survived institutional betrayal or gaslighting by people in power, how did you keep your footing?

Feeling a lost with this.

I know through trauma work everything that happened to me over roughly a ten year period from toddler years.

I accept it. But just can't seem to accept that I was ment to survive it.

I think this is stemming from my childself trying to kill myself as a way out many times but not successful as too young to understand what to do.

I just feel I slipped through the net somehow and became an adult, but feel I shouldn't have.

I feel this life isn't ment for me.

Why am I getting these thoughts do you think?

Has anyone had similar.

Is it a stage of healing ? When accepting everything and who did what?

Like it should never have been discovered i feel.

Any views ,opinions would help me

Thanks

Found this so helpful to sort all my remembered snippets. Now 44 years are fixed on 200 pages. 30 pages on neglegt, emotional and physical abuse by my parents. So sad.

I honestly reached to this point that I really want to give up on everything.

When I reach out for help, workers were either taking me as "oh she looks fine and can smile, it is not serious" without finding out what I actually went through. It makes no difference if they were crisis support, mental health support. They still do very similar things without having a simple knowledge that people with invisible disability mask fkn all! The! Time!

Then they said to me:

"You can't just try only once then give up" without asking me to clarify what kind of therapy I have done. Then they judge around it as well. "You can't control other people when you need a place to live" I fkn know I can't! I also know that I can't do share accommodation! It's 1. Unpredictable 2.overstimulating 3.Dont feel safe living with strangers

then keep pushing you over again and again when you already set boundaries by saying NO I CAN'T. IT'S NOT NEGOTIABLE. and still pushing? Are you expecting me to blow up? like you keep poking a bear? expecting it to not bite you?? huh?

It's not that I don't want to. I CAN'T! I know my mental health would go down hill and you could never predict what your housemates are like. Then you have to put on a mask to interact, freaking drains my energy!

And the shower? I can't sleep properly whenever my alarm gets triggered then I have to worry about if there will be anyone showering? Showering too late, will I wake some one up? You think I want to sleep like this?

And then have to discuss how to seperate the bills? Who should use which cupboard space? Who should clean the yard this week? I am already exhausted!

Many don't know it is a NEED!

Then they tell you their stories like they actually know you. Fk no. You only know 5% because you never cared to ask. Then judge you for being "picky"

And then when it makes you unable to sleep because you have to meet someone you jave never seen in early morning for inspection? Good luck with that sleep! Then your speech is all over the place and not yourself?

God I wish I never had this. People don't take you seriously. It's like if you end it then people will finally realize "oh shit that's seriously" but if you don't then they just thought yours is no big deal.

Btw, autistic traits don't help either. I am sick of it. F that. Imma give poo face from now on!

my trauma occurred from when I was 10 to when I was 14, so not sure if this is a result of it or just me becoming naturally unphotogenic as I grew up lol. but looking back at pictures of myself taken while I was experiencing the trauma and in the few years immediately afterwards, there is literally not one single normal-looking photo of me. They all look like either I'm in a hostage situation or I'm an alien desperately trying to figure out how to imitate a human facial expression. I remember one time when my dad actually saw a picture of me in high school and was like "wow, that *really* doesn't look anything like you." It was always like my eyes were super wide and terrified and not really knowing where to look so I ended up getting this weird uncanny valley stare off to the side of the camera, and then I'd be standing with this super stiff, awkward guarded posture and not knowing what to do with my arms or shoulders. I'm in a professional field and still struggle to find pictures to use as headshots because I literally just cannot take a normal picture. Does it have to do with cortisol + other stress hormones causing changes in the face? Did anyone else experience this?

And it all feels too painful.

I cried for three hours straight today processing pain from my past. I've learned how to kind of relax my body into it and let the sobs take over, how to surrender to it and let everything wash over me and pass through me. But it's awful, it's so hard and it hurts so much. The pain is so much.

Every time I cry like that I know that I am taking a step forward in healing. It's an accomplishment to get some big tears out, I wish I could brag about it the same way people say "I ran six miles yesterday!"

So I'm here because I hope you guys will understand. Guys, I cried for 3 hours today! I let some deep dark emotions see the light of day 💪💯 ... lmao

Does anyone else have any cptsd achievements they wanna celebrate? Maybe we can all take a second to congratulate each other on things not everyone understands.

Hi all. I recently got diagnosed with CPTSD by a private psychiatrist in the UK. I then referred myself to my local NHS talking therapy service and asked if I could access CBT (because I couldn't afford private therapy at the moment).

I had a call from them today, and they did another assessment with me, asking about my symptoms and why I have them, because they wanted to figure out if I really had symptoms of CPTSD. At the end of the call, they said I was incorrectly diagnosed by the private psychiatrist and that I do not have symptoms of CPTSD at all, and the lady was confused about why I was diagnosed with CPTSD in the first place. What I have is anxiety and low self-esteem issues, so I couldn't get access to CBT.

I then asked why she thinks I don't have the symptoms of CPTSD. The lady mentioned that it's because I don't have nightmares and flashbacks. She said when people get flashbacks they would freeze completely or have difficulty breathing, and apparently I don't have that, and that is why I don't have CPTSD. But throughout the appointment I did mention that I keep feeling like I am still trapped in the past, and that I am constantly seeing things or meeting people that remind me of my past. Every time this happens, I immediately feel depressed and start to cry. The only thing is that I don't see a scene when I experience this, and I don't completely freeze in the way the lady described.

Also, the lady mentioned that CPTSD is traumatic events from multiple sources, and since I only mentioned my parents there is only one source (which I still don't understand).

So I got very confused at the end of the call, because the private psychiatrist and the NHS have been saying completely different things. Also, after this call I'm confused about the definition of flashbacks and whether my experience counts as flashbacks at all.

I want to start off with the fact that I do believe awareness for these two disorders is very important and I am happy that the recent talk has lead to people who may otherwise not have gotten help having received it, however !! People are so so comfortable asking me these questions after seeing my sometimes odd behaviour ??? I hate it so much because it's so rarely someone I know well at all so if I say why I act the way I do I end up feeling like the bad guy for bringing down the mood but is this not just a weird thing to ask an acquaintance ??? This has now happened to me multiple times I've settled on "aha maybe" and moving on but it still bothers me so much.

I guess I'm looking for some reassurance because I feel particularly down today. Toxic boss and everything. I have stuck with this job because the leave policy is quite relaxed but the pay is quite low and doesn't match the effort that goes into the job. The job allows me to take time off on my worst mental health days. But the lack of money gets to me sometimes. Anyone else in the same boat? Or have similar past experiences? how are you navigating it?

edit: sorry for the typos

I’m so confused. I see a therapist but they have never given me a diagnosis or a recommendation for medicine or anything. I am afraid to ask. Am I an idiot? lol

rant and question

know this could come off as pretentious and i don’t mean it that way, i want to clarify that i don’t see others as less than.

i’ve felt like this for as long as i can remember, i can deconstruct people and predict every word that comes out of their mouth and everything they do. it can be hard to connect with others when i feel like some sort of ai and to be honest i have to stop myself from looking down other people. i have no friends because i find other people grating and performative, i only talk to my boyfriend who feels the same way as me because of his ocd.

psychologists and psychiatrists describe me as hyper aware and highly intelligent, ive only ever been prescribed medications for physical symptoms like tachycardia and sleep, treatments like cbt don’t work on me because i know exactly what’s going on in my brain and therapy feels predictable.

this is probably some sort of intellectualism and proactive defense mechanism and it works because im not affected by rejection, but i can’t turn it off.

i would love to be able to connect with others as this is a very isolating world to live in but it seems impossible. any tips from someone who also experiences this?

is this common in cptsd? do others experience this too?

How do you deal with not feeling attachment?

As far as I've known, I've been relatively unable to make connections with people. Connections in the way that I feel a bond to them, seeing them as a "friend". A few people claim that I'm their friends, but I don't see them as friends. Not that I hate them, but moreso I don't feel any connection to them at all.

I haven't been able to feel much attachment to anyone, generally. I blame it on moving to too many houses in too little time when I was younger. These people do genuinely see me as a friend, I believe. They cry around me, they tell me about their days, and I try to be as polite as I possibly can throughout the conversation, and I make an effort to joke and relate to them, and while they see me as a friend, I feel like they're "just a person I know".

I don't feel this for people I dislike, mind you, I feel this for the people I do like as well. I know them, know who they are, have been around them for a good portion of my life, and am generally am on good terms with them, but I don't feel anything that feels like a true moment of intimacy.

I don't think I've had any crushes, either. Sure, I've found people attractive, but only that. I've never met someone that I would actually had the want or willpower to date anyone, and I thought "Hey I'm attractive enough, if I feel weird about flirting with people since I feel like a creep, I'll just wait for people to come to me!" I got like 3 numbers from strangers in the last 2 years, not that it mattered, I didn't call any of them.

So I say I feel like I'm incapable of human connection or attachment. I've done the thinking but I've hit a wall and don't really know where to go next with it. Any ideas?

They gave me and my siblings absolutely fuck all in this life. Bad decision after bad decision all the while being abusive with an unstable marriage. I genuinely wish they’d just been infertile and never been given the chance to reproduce