I’ve (48m) lurked here for a long time. I never posted because I didn’t think I had anything to add. Today I do.

I was married for seventeen years. I’ve been divorced for going on four years.

Here’s what I’ve learned, in no particular order.

I wasn’t the victim I wanted to be. For the first two years I told a story where I was wronged and abandoned. It was comfortable and it was only half true. The real version is that I stopped paying attention years before she did. I confused being a provider with being a partner. I was physically in the house and emotionally somewhere else, and I called that stability. By the time she told me she was unhappy, she’d been saying it for years in ways I chose not to hear.

You don’t just lose the person. You lose the witness. Nobody warns you about this. Who remembers the apartment where we started out? Who laughs at the same stupid story from 2009? Nearly twenty years of private language and shared history disappeared overnight, and some of it only existed in her head and mine. When the marriage ended, so did the only other copy of a big part of my life.

Loneliness is quieter than grief. Grief comes in waves, and eventually you can ride them out. Loneliness is a Tuesday night when you cook for one, nobody’s coming home, and nothing is wrong exactly, but nothing is right either. It took me years to be okay with that silence instead of filling it with noise, work, or bad decisions.

Love isn’t what I thought it was. I thought it was a feeling you either had or lost. Now I think it’s mostly maintenance: showing up, getting curious about the other person again after the tenth year, and saying the uncomfortable thing before it becomes the unforgivable thing. We didn’t fall out of love. We let it go unattended until there was nothing left to save.

I’m not the same man, and the divorce is why. I’m not going to pretend I’m grateful for it. I’d trade it all to have avoided the pain I caused and the pain I felt. But I’m more honest now. I’m a better listener. I’ve learned to sit with discomfort instead of running from it, and I finally went to therapy, which I should have done a decade earlier.

What I miss most isn’t the big things. It’s someone knowing how I take my coffee, someone texting “did you eat?”, and being known without having to explain myself.

I’m not here looking for pity. I’m doing okay, mostly good. But I wanted to say all this out loud to people who understand, because the people in my life who haven’t been through it don’t quite get it.

If you’re in the first year and it feels like you’ll never breathe normally again, you will. It just doesn’t happen on the schedule you want.

I am 34[M] my wife 37[F] has left me for a man at work she has known a little under a year after 12 years of marriage.

My life just feels like its falling apart we have two kids and my daughter doesn't want to see me abd my ex says I dont have a say as im not the bio-father.

I have been painted as the villain in the situation to the kids, and its nothing to do with the new man, who she introduced to the kids 4 weeks after the announcement, has already met his parents around the same time, and now have a house together 8 weeks later, and im looking for advice in how to get through all of this.

I’m done, I’m done, I’m done. I want a divorce. I can’t pretend anymore that I’m happy I can’t even pretend anymore that I like him. I’m tired of being cheated on, I’m tired of being disrespected and unheard. Im tired of giving the multiple chances I have gave being tossed aside like it not even a blessing to have had me as long as he has. I’ve continued to give support when it wasn’t even deserved and just being absolutely shattered and broken throughout it. It’s funny how someone can say they love you and then show you in a million different ways they don’t.

Has anyone been successful in the end fighting an abuser who has claimed to be a victim during the divorce?

Right now he is getting away with things because of his behaviour and the inability to get to hearing over his slowing the process down.

I could really use stories saying that in the end, their behavior is recognised and you end up with a settlement that is fair.

Right now I am having a hard time keeping going and feel like taking the crumbs they offer just to get away from them.

edit for spelling

As soon as things are all the way final with us, he is planning to or may possibly move away. Not around the corner or to a nearby town. All the way away. 1100 miles/twenty-some hour drive.

Without talking to me about the impact upon me, our family, our grown daughter, our aging dog and other pets. He hasn't had what he wanted for so long in our marriage that he is ready to go that far away.

25 year marriage.

I was counting on being able to share time together with him ( I love him very much, we are friends) and have time with our daughter every few weeks, as we have during this process. But I won't get that. Will be alone in caring for our good dog. I am really sad. It isn't going to be how I hoped. Just another thing I did not choose.

has this happened to anyone else?

During and after the 2024 election I read a lot of content online from women who wanted to divorce their husbands because they went MAGA or voted for Donald Trump. Could be the other way around too, with MAGA wife and liberal husband. I think a lot of people were just venting over the election and don't know if any of the talk actually resulted in divorces.

I’ve gone back and forth about leaving my husband. We’ve been married for 2years and have a 20 month old. My parents divorced when I was 2 and it was hard. My dad was very bitter and checked out and the biweekly custody visits very much interrupted my life. There weren’t very many happy times so I fear if I do leave I’m setting my daughter up for the exact thing I went through.

It felt like the week we were married he started burying his face in his phone playing games. I actually became pretty depressed after getting married because it was like….well, here it is. Then our daughter was born preterm and that was a terrible time. His family really didn’t treat me very well during that. I’ll leave it at that. Anyways, my husband ended up taking the side of my in laws and acted like I was just an incubator and my feelings didn’t matter. We were living with my FIL at the time because he wanted to rent his house to us and then a week before our baby came from the the NICU casually says he won’t be moving out for at least a year. So I was adjusting to being a new mom with an observer and it felt like he was being purposefully antagonistic because he knew I couldn’t do anything about it.

My husband absolutely refused to move out. We weren’t relying on my FIL for charity or anything. I wanted to rent the house but he wouldn’t leave and I wasn’t willing to stay there in hopes he eventually would. Well almost 2 years later and he’s finally almost moving out, yall! After much fighting my husband agreed to move out. That was over a year ago. It’s been a struggle. I do at least 90% of the housework. If it’s dirty, it’s going to stay dirty until I clean it. Which really sucks because I don’t like living in filth and I’m so burned out from working in healthcare full time that for once I wish someone would take care of me! I can pretend things are okay for a while until I have a bad day where I can’t pretend anymore. I think I would be better off alone sometimes.

Another thing is that my father passed away and I will inherit a large amount of money. His house is listed now for 700k which I will split with my sibling and I have over 100k in my bank account right now. Despite me being the one who can put us in an actual house one day, he puts me down about being burned out from work. He acts like he’s far superior for trudging through(his uncle is the CEO of the company he works for) and sighs whenever I come home dead inside after getting my ass handed to me at my short staffed hospital job. It’s fucking hard to go to this place 5 days a week and what does he do almost every week? Picks up a Saturday shift! So that’s even less time I have to actually get anything done. I depend on him to watch our daughter while I clean. He lays in bed on his phone with her while I do everything and I’ve expressed to him that when he voluntarily picks up shifts on weekends, it makes me feel so much more burned out.

He’s always talking about “when we get a house” and I can’t help but feel like he’s making it like a bandit in all of this. I’m highly against buying a house with him when things are like this. I’m so burned out I’ve been crying since I left work yesterday. I feel really strange like I don’t know what I need. I just want to stare at a wall for hours. I really wish he would just go somewhere for the weekend but he refuses. I’ve been thinking about the rest of my life, and I don’t want to live like this. He’s so dogmatic and defensive towards me whenever I express unhappiness with something especially my career which pisses me off because it’s like all he’s thinking about is what benefits him. Me not working or not working full time might mean…gasp! I might have time to myself! Or…I might not be bringing home more money so that I can buy him a house! It feels like he doesn’t care about building a life with me because I feel like if he did he wouldn’t have let me struggle for so long.

10 year relationship, married for 1 year. He ended things and left me blindsided. He wants to sort through our shared belongings separately and has blocked me and my friends/family on socials and deleted all photos of me from socials within 3 weeks of ending it. Is this normal? It feels so cold and abrupt. I thought we’d at least just mute on socials, didn’t think pics would disappear so quickly… and I expected us to sort through our possessions together?

After taking my ex back multiple times from infidelity i hate myself. She has destroyed me. We been together me 35(M) and 30(F) for 8 years with two of the most beautiful, sweetest children. I wanted that Nuclear family so bad forr my kids because it affected me so much growing up. I lashed out after experiencing 5 horrible Step Dads after my mother coming home pregnant with another mans child on my father.

I tried, and tried. Still being in love with her also. Self improving. Seeing she really just wanted my safety net and withdrew myself everytime. I know this was wrong but no true remorse was ever shown so i always knew what was coming.

I hate myself for still, even after the recent fling i think she is now dating, being in love with her. I can't stand to look myself in the mirror. My self respect, self esteem, genuine happiness for the gift of life, and love for myself is completely non existent.

WTF is wrong with me!!!!!

My kids are not doing well and sad. I havent talked shit about her or told them what she has done but they see the seperation and are having a rough time.

I find myself never wanting to date ever again. I want to be single for the rest of my life. This pain has destroyed me.

EDIT: She says that i was the best thing that ever happened to her. She knows this is all her fault and wishes she would have talked to me instead of just cheating the first time. Says she didn't know what she had until it is gone. I dont even believe her and i am finally done

A few months ago I posted here about dating after my 15 year relationship (13 years married) ended. At the time, I was cautiously excited about meeting someone new, learning to trust myself again, and figuring out what love might look like after divorce. I guess this is sort of and update, though not quite the one I imagined writing.

I'm approaching 35, and my divorce has been official for about a month. I've spent the past year doing everything people tell you to do after a marriage ends, therapy, traveling, exercising, reconnecting with myself, focusing on my career, trying new things and building a life I'm genuinely proud of.

For a while, I felt like I was doing really well. But lately, I've been lonelier than I was right after the separation.
I've been dating, meeting people, having promising connections, and occasionally getting my hopes up. But nothing has turned into the kind of relationship I'm looking for, and I'm exhausted. Dating has started to feel like another responsibility. Another app to check, another conversation to keep going, another person to get to know, another round of wondering whether we're compatible or even looking for the same thing.

I want to be clear about something. I don't feel like I truly need anyone. I've worked incredibly hard to build a life I'm happy with, with a career I love, hobbies, friends, two dogs and so much I still want to experience. I've actually come to enjoy my alone time, which is something I never expected to say after spending most of my adult life with one person. But it would be nice to eventually share this life with someone. Someone to come home to, to cook dinner with, talk about our days, plan trips with or just sit on the couch doing absolutely nothing. More than anything, I miss the ordinary intimacy of being in a relationship.

Yes, dating has burned me out, and I want to take a break, but lately I've developed a fear I can't shake. What if I stop dating and I just keep getting older, keep diving into my career, keep traveling and accomplishing things, and suddenly 10 or 20 years have passed and I never found someone? Rationally, I know 35 isn't old. But after spending practically my entire adult life with one person, starting over makes time feel different.

A few other things are piling on. I'm seriously considering selling the house I was going to keep. It's become too much to maintain, financially and emotionally, as a single person, and it feels like another piece of the life I built that's probably time to let go of.

And yesterday I learned that my ex officially has a partner. I don't want my marriage back. I know why it ended, and I know leaving was the right decision. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't sting. It's hard not to feel like he's moving forward while I'm standing still. I've also been sick and spending a lot of time alone at home, which probably isn't helping. I've noticed myself becoming emotionally numb, and that scares me.

What surprises me most is that the loneliness seems to be getting worse, not better, even as so many other parts of my life have improved.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting this. Maybe just to hear from people who've been through something similar.

Did anyone else find that the loneliness hit harder after the divorce was finalized, once the chaos settled and life started to feel normal again? And how do you stay open to love without letting the search for it wear you down?

I don't want to give up on love. I'm just tired of looking for it, and even more tired of being afraid I might never find it again.

Hey my partner had a multi year affair and included the oldest child in the lies and manipulation for years, unknowingly causing a riff between us. Now that the secrets are out im seeing the emotional abuse he laid on the whole family.

Negotiating custody, it sounds like beyond 50/50 isnt reasonable as hes still present. But I am literally concerned with the kids being in his emotional presence for 50% of their lives (without me to break or fix) and it harming them in the long term. ​

Can I work family therapy sessions into an agreement by chance? Im just trying to be protective when I wont be able to. We all pretty much have our own personal therapy sessions. Maybe he and the kids go together as an option?

Im not sure how to protect my kids from the lies and gaslighting he gave me for years. ​

My husband (30M) and I (24F)have been married for almost 4 years and together almost 6. I am just not sexually attracted to him anymore. We do not have sex often and usually it’s shut down because he cannot get an erection. It’s hard but also a blessing. I do not want to kiss, have sex, or be felt up by him at all. He grosses me out which hurts me to say but it’s true. He doesn’t wipe well and he has an odor down there and he does not go to the doctor. I feel horrible about it but that is what it is. He feels more like a good friend than a partner. We have a small child together and he is a loving father and I like our little family. Yet I am not happy in our relationship. I feel as though every time I say I love you that I am lying and it makes me feel awful. We both have super involved families in which it has also made it hard to part. I asked for a divorce a couple months ago and we were on track for that until we got back together. I felt as if I couldn’t do it alone and I missed my family being together and the pressure was too much. We were monogamous for a good amount of time till we weren’t. 4 years in My husband and I both wanted to explore our sexuality’s and we did. Then he became a cuck and I explored with different men. Among these men I met one. And it has now been a year. The feelings have developed and I honestly have lost more and more with my husband that I don’t know if the relationship is even redeemable. I don’t know I guess I’m just looking for help.

Back story: Divorce was finalized, child support was set to start on the first of the month, he didnt pay anything in, child support started being garnished the following month. The amount taken was the court ordered monthly amount plus a percentage of the back pay from the month he didn't pay.

He said anything over the court ordered monthly amount should just be given back to him...

Ha! Nope.

I know my kids are entitled to that and I dont have to give it back. We've been struggling for so long.

I do need some financial advice about this....

I am so stressed out about this I started having panic attacks and nightmares. The first week he texted me saying what they took out extra and "graciously" told me he was letting me keep it but I feel like he might make a stink once he realizes its going to keep happening until the backpay is paid off. We have joint accounts and maxed out credit cards that I'm now solely responsible for and I'm afraid if I start paying the balance down he'll start using it to "get his money back". I dont use the joint accounts. They are still open because there are bills attached to them... like credit cards and loans.

How do I prevent him from using a joint credit card but still have it available for emergencies?

Still married but shes filing this month. Moving into my own apartment in two weeks. We have to very young kids.. Its mind numbing knowing my entire life will be flipped upside down. And dont get me wrong. I cook, clean, care for the kids. So its not the routine and the comfortability that my wife gives. Im going to be separating from my kids and the worst part is not having someone walk in through the door at night, someone to hug, kiss, love.. Its an empty apartment with no soul.

My stbxw is already furniture shopping to fill the space im leaving behind, like i was never there.

I cant help but not love her.. I have major weak moments when i fold and i kiss her, cuddle her, but its all for nothing. As she says nothing will change her mind.

Title says it all. Im not sure how much more of this I can take. No matter how many discussions are had, the smallest disagreement turns into a tsunami of pain. He will ignore me for days on end, the longest he went not engaging in me was five weeks, no discussion, no connection, no touch, no communication whatsoever and says that I’m annoying him or not respecting his boundaries if I attempt to talk. He is the captain of a very large fire department and respected in the community-no one knows how horrible he is at home. I am left alone, we have slept alone for most of our marriage. I remember begging him to come to bed the first few years of marriage but he likes to stay up very late every night, his work and his personality lends to very weird schedules of sleep. He has masterbated to so many of my friends, his coworkers, porn, you name it and it has never stopped despite the promises. I’m attractive to all accounts, very in shape, very high sex drive, told I’m a 10/10 from a very young age, I know I am beautiful but feel worthless with him. I have a respectable job where I make good money per hour but work part time (24 hours per week) to care of the kids primarily while he needs his sleep or what he wants to do when he is not on shift. Anyone who is a fire wife knows the sacrifice let alone with someone this selfish. He has tried to leave more times than I can count in the last two years and I have begged every time. His own mother told me to leave. I’m not sure what else to do and wondering if it really is just time to call it quits. I write this as I am crying in the room and he is outside yet again drinking and playing video games. I calmly told him that I’m hurting and this is what he promised he wouldn’t do but he just puts on his headphones and turns up the volume and tells me to leave him alone…It’s been the same story for years. I really just don’t know what to do anymore. Our kids are young and I have worried about being away from them for half the week at a time but I genuinely don’t know if I can do this anymore. Any advice would be appreciated.

At the very early stages of divorce. Im ready to have the talk with my spouse. I do care deeply for my spouse and we have children together. We have just had so many problems and no longer are in a romantic relationship. I want to still be a part of his life and still have family dinners and have us get along for the children and all that. How realistic is that am I just dreaming or is this a reality?

My wife (31F) has been asking me (30M) to separate since April of this year. She wanted to get her own place and move out. We have two little ones together and I did not want our family to split like this. In August, she finally exploded and put 10k on our shared credit card to hire herself a lawyer. I freaked out and said “ok I’ll move out if you get a refund for the lawyer fees”. We agreed. I got the refund and I got a one bedroom apartment nearby. All this to realize that she’s been talking to some guy on instagram since early August. Before I signed the lease, I had absolutely no idea that another person was involved. I caught her texting him and her reply was “he’s just a friend and we’re just talking”. Would you guys consider this cheating? I’m asking because I think it is whereas my wife firmly believes that it isn’t.
Now we’re separated and the guy comes in and out of the house (that my wife and kids live in) almost daily. I still pay rent and all the bills for that house.

Espero que hayas tenido un feliz cumpleaños.

Ahora que ha pasado el tiempo, me doy cuenta de que solo me usaste y nunca me amaste de verdad.

Eres una mala persona, un perdedor que sólo tiene dinero.

Ojalá hubiera visto las señales entonces.

Ojalá hubiera tenido un sistema de apoyo que me hubiera advertido.

Cuando terminamos, dijiste: "Gracias por todo". Es una pena que no pueda decir lo mismo.

Después de conocerte, ya no tengo ganas de conocer a nadie nuevo ni de confiar en nadie.

Ah, el perro era mío, ladrón.

I am aware that social media influencers rarely have the charmed lives that they portray in their posts, but many of them seem live the life that I wish I had had, at least in part. Many people I see on FB and IG appear to have happy, fulfilling lives.

I'm 62 now. One thing that I had always wanted in life was a loving wife, someone to share my life with. I've been married twice; neither was "loving". The first was a covert narcissist, the second a grandiose narcissist. Both ground me into the dust.

I give up now on ever having a happy, fulfilling relationship with a woman. Some things just are not meant to be.

This is pure ranting and venting. Sorry about the incoherency of the text. English isn't my primary language either.

My wife wanted a divorce two weeks ago and is clearly doing that.

In early August, my wife met a dude in a party and after that wanted an open relationship. Nothing sexual had happened at this point, except - she couldn't take it anymore as she saw him again over drinks and had to come clean. We had discussed the matter previously some years ago to an extent that "if something happened after a night out at a bar, it wouldn't be the end of the world." Nothing had ever happened. This was clearly different though.

Anyways, as my wife asked about "the open relationship that we had discussed" and told about the other guy - I ...said thanks for telling me. 🙈 I didn't know what to do. As a curious person, I thought this could be an interesting thing to spice things up as well and as she hates to be controlled in anyway, I just went with it. I felt like it would be a game over if I didn't anyways.

Naturally the rush of feelings followed in upcoming weeks. As I talked about being afraid for our relationship and family, she just turned hostile. We agreed on strict rules that I quickly understood would not work as such.

She was unable to provide ANY kind of emotional support, literally said that people need to handle their own emotions. I was flabbergasted. This was the first time I have ever leaned on my wife emotionally like this.

She actively attempted to "push me out" to meet other women, "just to have some balance! It might do you good!"

So I eventually did. What I found was ...somewhat mindblowing. I thought I knew myself, but I wasn't actually interested in ONS at all, but instead was looking for the emotional connection I lacked at home. The connection I didn't even understand I was lacking at that time. As that connection was found, I knew what I was missing from the relationship with my wife.

My wife has been under tremendous stress at work for months. She also has trauma(s) from her childhood with her overly controlling mother (judge that knew where every pedophile and rapist lived in the small city she is from). Her mother also completely abandoned her for half year as she moved out from the home. She has been completely unwilling to discuss any of this with any expert.

I don't understand what happened and she is unable to talk about anything related to this when I attempt. As we are still living in the same house, she attempts to have normal day to day conversations, which just feel insulting.

During the past few months, I found out that my wife is unable to express her feelings properly. At the same time I found out that we had lost the connection that came from ME sharing my feelings to her, but since I got just punished and felt like Pavlov's dog for doing that over the years together, I started to avoid that, just evade being hurt by her. ...which turned everything dull, I suppose. The emotional connection slowly dimmed out over the years.

I still love my wife, this feels like a bus just drove on, as she is unable to discuss any of this. The worst part is that I have no idea why she left me out of the blue. She WAS able to mention that it was NOT the other guy, but still unable to come with any other explanation. To me it seems that she is in complete denial and wants to avoid confronting any negative or unwanted feelings. She should be on sick leave from work, but she literally said that "I can't, I have too much work."

What is clear to me now is that my wife doesn't love me. No idea if she actually ever did. Do the words matter a thing if the deeds don't match?

I would have wanted to attempt to remedy the situation. Head to therapy together and solo as well. Find out how to find the love again and the safe space to express feelings. My wife doesn't. She absolutely does not. She just wants to spend the rest of her life in her own bunker, not letting anyone in.

To cope with all this, I've been talking to few therapists (one of which I am also seeing in romantical way now) and naturally discussed the whole ordeal with my friends and family as well. I've been overwhelmed by the support. I also did something somewhat weird, which just feels good to me. I joined Instagram for the first time and created this "therapy channel" for myself where I'm just ...gentle towards nature, petting it. 🙈 Literally just gently caressing a tree, rock or a leaf in short reels. It also gave a routine that I can control myself fully. Nature has always been important to me and it somehow feels good to know that whatever happens with me, the nature is there for me. ..well, unless it turns to data-centers and parking lots.

Past few months these new connections from the "open relationship" have been keeping me sane. I've been fully open about the whole situation and also open about the other connections to the lovely ladies I've been meeting.

I've also found out that I've ...now a wound from this long, soon-to-end relationship.

The emotional connection with these new encounters is there, they would be willing to ...see my feelings, but I am clearly afraid to show them. I am still able to COMMUNICATE about all this, but not really feel. I feel dulled out from the experience that I got from my soon to be ex-wife.

At least I now know what to look for. I don't think I'll be heading towards monogamy any time soon, but never say never. I'm not looking sex either, I'm looking to mend that wound I have. I want to be able to feel fully again and these emotional connections are the basis for that.

• I feel like shit for very likely losing this dream home.
• I feel like shit for letting down our kids, not being able to provide them the family they would have deserved - and the home.
• I feel like shit for all this happening, without having any way to remedy the situation.
• I feel GOOD for learning so much about myself through this open relationship-period - understanding what is important for me in relationships.

This is more of a rant if anything. I hated going through this the first time. I may delete idk.

I am an adult (28f). I don't enjoy the idea of my mother (49f) getting another divorce. I understand that she is unhappy and scared financially. My step father (41m) doesn't seem to get what she is clearly communicating. And is instead deciding that her anger and frustration is the reason he shouldn't have to do anything. She is over reacting. He is three months behind on rent for his small business. And I have no idea how behind on taxes.

I am scared for them. He just hasn't had to be financially responsible and provide much. But my mom lost her job this spring. We also lost two family dogs this summer. Now we are going into a season where his small business makes even less and he is just nonchalant about it. Only is upset that she is upset about maybe losing everything. She was the breadwinner for most of their relationship. They have been together since I was 11.

I already don't have a relationship with my father. Now I feel like I am going to lose another. And he doesn't even want to try and stop it. He says he loves her and doesn't want a divorce but his solution is that she just needs to get another job to provide for them. But she's been job hunting all summer. She only has a part-time thing right now. Believe me if she would much rather have the work than relying on him.

They are going through counseling. I'm just afraid they won't make it through the winter. My mom said she was going to talk to a lawyer tomorrow. And I don't know if it's for divorce or if it's for bankruptcy.

My wife had diagnosed paranoid schizophrenia, serious auditory hallucinations and minor visual hallucinations. She had autism but was never officially diagnosed but everyone expected it. I loved her unconditionally and I wish we were still together but when someone is battling mental illness it’s an uphill losing battle.

She wasn’t consistent with her daily medications so that hurt us too but I deepest regret was getting her a job at Walmart. At Walmart a female coworker touched her inappropriately twice and after that her mental health went down hill and that was the beginning of the end of our marriage. She didn’t recovered properly and I felt the full brunt of it.

I wish she stayed but with her parents in her ear promising a better life because according to my ex wife, I was the devil but the vast majority of our arguments were because of her auditory hallucinations so I was defending myself against things that literally never happened.

I loved her through sickness and health and I admit that there were times I wanted out the marriage but I would have never left her.

My life is objectively better without her on all levels but I miss her. Mental illness is serious and sometimes you cannot help people dealing with it.

This is an update to my post here.

This week in couples' therapy I finally said out loud that I don't want to work on the marriage anymore. I don't even think that's true - I think I just can't because after 2 years of couples' therapy suffering today with the same problems that we walked in with and with the same strategy I just don't think it's going to work.

My wife and I have had a ongoing and inescapable inability for both of us to feel heard in the relationship. I've been spending the last 2 years we've been in couples' therapy working on myself and how I show up to the relationship and changing it for the better. I truly feel like I've gotten much better at regulating my emotions, being less defensive, and demonstrating presence when she shares her feelings or experience.

Meanwhile she's been using that time to try and figure out if she even wants to be together while simulatenously driving the wedge between us even further by initiating more and more degrees of separation (separate laundry, separate bedrooms, mostly separate meals, less and less quality time), up to an actual separation where I moved in with my parents so she could start to rebuild feelings of physical and emotional safety in a familiar environment. The separation was originally triggered when I tried to sit her down and have an open conversation about past resentments, telling her that I would commit to being present and listening to what she had to say without reacting - to show her that I could be an emotionally safe partner to communicate with. Rather than engage in the conversation, she asked me to speak and when I did used what I said to validate thoughts/feelings she has had about "how I really feel" about her.

We had a 60-day timeline for the separation towards the end of which she started saying she wanted me back in the house and still loved me, and while I wanted to go back to the house and forget that any of this happened so I could have my best friend back, I felt like I had to exercise some self-respect and self-esteem that I've struggled to maintain my entire life so I couldn't go back to someone who kept me on ice for 2 years while I continued trying to maintain a connection with her, had an emotional affair, and separated from me on a whim. I wanted her to take real accountability for the ways that she has hurt me, like I had done for her. I wanted an apology and a commitment about what was specifically going to change in the future so I wouldn't be hurt the same way again. Whenever I asked for this she would tell me that we have to figure it out as we go and that she can't promise to never mess up in the future.

After I finally said I was done I didn't anticipate how broken and sad I would really feel once I realized that the person who was my best friend, who made me laugh and I wanted to share every aspect of my life with was gone and was never going to come back. The next day I tried to go and talk to her hoping that she would finally listen to what I had to say or maybe the reality of losing me would make her want to try harder to keep me in her life. Instead she was just really angry and we just fought.

The cognitive dissonance of the person who was everything to you also being someone you know logically you can't keep in your life is really hard.