So relationships has been always made my life worst for some reason yet I still find myself trying find "the one" in EVERYONE I meet. I am in a journey to be satisfied with myself and completely stop finding the "potential partner" in people.
I have AuDHD with a PDA profile which basically means I crave my autonomy like oxygen. And relationships are all about sacrifices. Sacrificing your schedule, your goals, your hobbies, your time, your sanity. During every relationship, my life just gets more and more volatile, no matter how the other person it.
Subconsciously in my head I always believe I have to perform for them and they don't like me. No amount of positive self talk works. And because of how I am, it's hard for other humans to handle me. But I always find whenever I am by myself, my life becomes super functional. Until that urge for "human connection" comes around. It's all fun in games but than my anxious attachment self doesn't allow me to have anyone who can't stay with me long term because in my head, why should I waste time on a short term fling.
Now the issue isn't "help me fix myself so I can enjoy normal humans relationships"
I am neurodivergent/ high masking autistic. I do the best when I am left alone. Also I am 22 right now, 1 really wanna focus on my personal life rather than find relationships. Again due to my profile, I don't have any friends either. I do have a lot of hobbies and projects that I look towards. But I always have this urge "I need to show my work to someone to make it worth it".
I hate it. I just hate that I subconsciously look for someone for validation. Thats the only reason I want anyone at all. For validation. I am so happy on my own functionally. So this post is basically what do you do?
All my life I have been told to consider others, to see the potential in others. I don't wanna do that anymore.
The only potential I wanna see is in me. The only help I wanna do is my help.