It happened 1 week ago, i already that some knowledge about what gore is and i visited these sites like 2-3 times, but about a week ago when I was alone I don't know why i masturbated to one of those gore videos and I felt intense guilt and regret, I wasnt able to sleep and i still wake up in middle of the nights.

I don't know what to do , I'm really sacred and for past few days I have been having suicidal thoughts. PLEASE HELP ME.

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I recently tried Cryo and Hydra treatments at Reshape Makati and wanted to share my experience for anyone who's curious about them.

Before the treatments, they did an assessment and explained my current body composition, including my BMI and the recommended weight range for my height. I found that part interesting because it gave me a better idea of my fitness goals and where I currently stand.

The Cryo treatment for my abdomen was a new experience for me, while the Hydra facial was a nice addition to my skincare routine. Both treatments gave me the opportunity to focus more on my body and skin care.

Since it was my first time trying these treatments, I asked a lot of questions, and the staff took the time to explain the process and what to expect. The overall experience was smooth, and I felt comfortable throughout my appointment.

Overall, I found the experience interesting and informative, especially the body assessment and consultation. Just sharing my experience in case anyone is curious about trying Cryo or Hydra at Reshape Makati!

28F, I started seeing this man (33M) two years ago, he was separated from his wife and they had been living separately. I had a crush on him and really liked hanging out with him so we got closer.

We would meet every week and things were going really well, gradually I fell in love with him because there was something so special about him (I can’t describe that feeling), I started to love him more than anything in the world. We would travel together and we had our own little bubble of happiness.

Recently, I got to know that the wife is moving in with him in a few months. I am so prepared for that, as I just want him to be happy. That’s all I have ever wanted. Also, they have a son (4 YO) together and I am really happy that he would get to be with them.

I have no problem in leaving him behind as I know it is for his own good. What is troubling me now is that we are still talking and meeting. I know i would stop it once she moves in but I hate myself for meeting him these days. I know I love him but I can’t ignore the practicalities of life. The reality is that he’s a married man who would soon be living with his wife and son.

I hate myself for it. I am depressed and have completely isolated myself from everyone because I see myself as this shitty woman who’s involved with a married man. Even though I was never the reason for them being separated but I feel like I have robbed his wife of the good times they could have spent together. I cannot share any of this with him or anyone. I have stopped talking to my friends or going out even because I hate myself at this point.

It is not about him choosing them, I have always wanted him to be happy. I’m devastated with the fact that he could not choose them earlier. I still love him but I hate myself for everything. I believe that this would follow me everywhere and I would never be able to have a life where I’m loved.

And the fact that I can’t leave him now is also making me miserable. He just had a major surgery and he’s recovering from it and it will take a few months and I don’t want to leave him alone. I hate that my love for him is making me sin.

I just need to get this off my chest. I have a major thing for men with really long hair. It’s pretty much the main thing that turns me on, to the point where I completely lose my cool whenever a guy with long hair walks past me.

I’m starting to wonder if I need help or if this is just a super specific preference. Am I weird for this?

I wish i was never born here , wish I didn’t have to see racism every time i open social media, I wish I could see myself as a person instead of a stereotype , I wish I was a stronger person and mostly I wish the world was a kinder place.

I’ve taken 6 this month and I think it’s making me feel depressed? Idk if that’s a side effect. I feel like I need to get some other form of protection bc this can’t be good. It makes me feel sick too. My bf doesn’t know I’m talking them he thinks he just has good pullout game.

I haven't been feeling great for a couple of years I think but I'm putting out somewhat a happy face.

I feel like an imposition to talk about it with friends. I do want to go with a shrink.

Whenever my wife asks I just say I'm a bit tired or a bit stressed because of work.

I just constantly feel like me saying it will make it worse for me and everyone around and it's just best to keep it in.

I’m 19m and my friend is 19f. For background I’ve recently broken up with my girlfriend who I thought I was in love with but tbh the breakup was a long time coming, although i was still incredibly upset. During my breakup I’ve gotten a lot closer with one of my friends, she’s amazing and she can understand me in a way my ex girlfriend couldn’t. She helped me get over my ex and was there for me throughout. I feel like maybe she is making me realise what i actually wanted in a relationship, however she has a boyfriend. This has made me feel extremely guilty about my feelings, but last night she asked me to come over and we were lying in bed just chatting and the convo shifted.
Her and her boyfriend are long distance rn and she began implying that she wanted to break up with him, i didn’t say much because i know my feelings are bias and i want her to be happy, but i can’t help but wonder if the feelings are mutual? She has been talking about breaking up with her bf and she’s been clingy with me, that may just be her personality I’m not sure.
But i don’t even know if im ready atp for another relationship and i don’t want to be her rebound. Advice would be helpful.

I finally rested for a bit and thought about this, if the person I was with was an extremely picky eater, either from religious beliefs or just what they preferred we wouldn’t have vibed.

Always go for someone you can share a plate with and be able to cook for! I’m with the most non-picky eater and I cook him everything I want

The other guy in the past wouldn’t eat mushrooms. It would have had a terrible ending if we ended up together. A few awesome cuisines DO have mushrooms!

I downloaded grindr for the first time and started talking with this guy with the same interests. Wanting to experiment and exchange some d pics.

I got pretty aroused to find a person like me but then things got pretty strange and disturbing. He started talking about his parents and how he used to have sex with his gf when they were at home.

After a while he confessed that sometimes he jerks off in front of them with them knowing.

I got so disturbed by this that I started getting extremely anxious, almost like vomiting, I blocked him deleted the account and never downloaded it since.

This was disturbing for me since i was "getting aroused" while talking to this guy before knowing this. It is stuck in my head and I feel disgusted a d guilty even if I didn't actually do something wrong.

One of the worst things is that I cannot talk about this to anyone.

Thanks for listening.

I am deleting old photos from my loooong held storage and going through them one by one. Well, apparently, I like taking screenshots of really wonderful texts I exchange with people. I ran into a minefield of screenshots from an ex who ended things terribly, and just as I was about to hit delete after selecting them, one of our shared favorite songs came on my playlist.

My heart hurt. I wish this person had actually taken the time to work on themselves, because my god, they're such a great person, before getting involved with me. They are a good person. A traumatized and sometimes very hurtful person, but a good person. I had to learn in therapy that an abusive person doesn't have to be all bad. I had always imagined such emotional manipulation coming from some Machiavellian villain, so I was shocked when I was sometimes treated so poorly by some I viewed (and still view) as overall good.

Even with all the issues, we had so much fun. More importantly, we connected. We poured into each other and healed some wounds. I really miss that part. I'll never speak to them again, as I've blocked them from everything I can imagine, but I wish we could have another week of fun and deep conversations.

But for tonight, I sit on my couch and wish them the best. Getting over that breakup was easier than expected, seeing as I finally saw patterns of concerning behavior, but I hated reading those funny/lovely/heartfelt messages. We sure did meet at an interesting time.

my mom passed away yesterday morning. nothing feels real. i feel like im dreaming. i’m constantly pinching myself hoping i wake up from this nightmare. it gives me a sense a relief that she’s no longer in pain, but i worry. i worry that there is no afterlife. i worry that my mother is alone. i worry that my mother is in a never ending darkness, that she isn’t/cannot watch over me. i’m dreading the step i will take into my house when i get back home. the empty silence, the lonely white noise. i miss her voice. i miss her smell. i miss it all. i feel so alone. i don’t know if i can do this.

I am a male in my late 20s, and I’m just such a soft person. Some of that is probably anxiety, but also that is really just my personality. I had a really bad childhood that caused me to figure out how survive for years, then go through all type of placement facilities basically until 16-17 from sui**e, drug abused etc.

But even through that, I have always been really friendly and fit in with girls more. I’m not gay (I don’t think) I’m married with a wife now, I sometimes question if I’m fully straight, or maybe a littleeeee in the middle. I find some celebrity men attractive, but during attempts at having relations with guys in HS, I never really was into it. So idk.

Anywhoo.

I’m soft, I like music, I’m soft spoken, I dispise conflict (I used to love it, but then bad relationships too any fight I had in the fight or flight, and now I just avoid.)

But idk I guess you could say I’m into some things that aren’t “masculine” like highly emotional music (not always sad, but often that is the case. Still emotional none the less.) I am able to articulate my feelings to my therapist to a point where she often seems to scramble for words because usually she is pointing these things out to people. But I already know what I’m feeling, where, and what caused the feeling.

I despise group settings and bullshit small talk. I want to talk about super heavy shit, and find people who relate, but everybody puts on this game face and I can’t stand to play along.

It’s lonely as hell. And society doesn’t accept men like that. I have trouble with employment, bosses, coworkers. Not for being a bad employee, or rude, but just incredibly easy to use me as a punching bag. But it’s never to my face or in a way that’s really even defensible to me. It’s always sarcasm, or someone saying something 3-4 feet away from me that is almost certainly about me.

It’s so isolating. But I want to be a good person and maybe get this life straightened out so my daughter can have a half decent father. I’m trying so hard to be present and give her the love and patience that I didn’t really get. Sometimes I wonder if I’m being toooo easy in her. Is it laziness, and excuse to not be “the bad guy”, or am I doing the right thing.

It’s all exhausting, and I’m constantly analyzing because I KNOW I’m not where I should be. So I constantly want to fix it. I’m tired.

He died december 2024. He preferred his 3 kids with his wife, rather than his eldest 2 with my mum.

Wife told me he made voice notes for "all" his kids. Apparently he forgot about my brother and I.

His wife tried not to hurt our feelings by saying she deleted them, but my younger siblings told me they got theirs.

He never made one for us.

I'm still so angry about this. He had just become a grandad from my brother 6 months earlier too. Didn't leave anything to us, nothing.

I didnt want money or anything like that. I wanted my grandads darts. Nobody in that house knew my grandad. It rightfully belonged to me or my brother.

I also wanted a hip flask and some aftershave. He collected them both, and I bought quite a few of them for him. They hold memories for me.

And finally, this is something that happened before he died. He was high on pain meds. He asked me to find his wallet. I called my stepmum and asked where it was. She told me, and I gave it to him. He tried to give my brother money for a takeaway cause me, brother, his wife and baby were there for most the day with him in hospice. I counted it for him, in front of his face, and put it back where it was hidden.

He looked at me and said "I knew you'd try and steal all my money".

I was honestely taken aback. I cant work due to rare illnesses and whatever, but ive never asked to borrow money. I feel like I'm quite financially secure if I'm honest. I just found it really upsetting. Is that what he thought of me? We never had the greatest relationship due to his words and actions, but i thought we were still pretty good. Apparently he didnt feel that way.

im more of a shy insecure person so this was kinda embarrassing.

we make out pretty much every night for the past week however last night he wanted to go lower. he asked me and i didnt respond so i guess he just took it as a yes.

anyway, felt nice obviously, just didnt expect it to happen.

should i continue seeing him?

I don't know why I'm writing this. I've always been a big reddit user but more of a browser or for quick trades and I doubt anyone will read this but I don't know what to do anymore. My friends don't understand. My family doesn't know. All I have is one dying family member and I don't want them to worry about me but I can't breathe anymore.

I received notification from my gfs or I guess my ex gfs parents that she killed herself.

We had some issues I think but I thought they were small. I also truly thought if we broke up we'd always be friends. But then one day she was just done.

Then the threats started. Anonymous accounts. Telling me she'd cheated on me. Telling me she hates me. I think threatening her too but I don't know. Apparently she went back to an ex?? Idfk.

My address leaked online. Telling people to SA me. And I tried to talk to my ex about it. She blocked me. Fucking everywhere. Because that's what all the threats were. Telling us to never speak again and then I got notification she passed away. She killed herself. If she hadn't met me. She'd still be alive right now. I killed her.

My gf and I (both 24) are leaving on a big trip next week, we’ll be away for 5 months. We’re trying to see all of our friends before we leave but it seems like none of them truly care to see us.

Almost none of them except two reached out to us to see us. All the others didn’t say a word until we asked them to meet. On top of that it’s been a hassle, it’s hard to find a time to meet, everyone wants to do things on their own terms.

I’m also confused because a lot of them tell us we’re some of their closest friends, and yet they don’t act like it.

We have two couple friends that we hung out a lot with respectively this summer. We live in a big city, commutes can take up to an hour, but it’s pretty normalized bc the housing market is tight so you can’t really choose where you live. These two couples happen to both live in the richer part of town (which is ofc rather central but not the most central either), while my gf and I live more on the edge of town. We are always willing to go places for people (but from a lot of areas it also “only” takes 30min to us), but for these two couples we always go to their area or their house.

Their neighborhood is incredibly expensive, it takes us 50min to get there but they won’t even come to a different neighborhood half way. One couple works full time, we don’t, so I understand, but we also have to organize a lot of things for the trip. One of them came to our apartment once months ago and then said jokingly (not jokingly) “I came now, so you can’t say anymore that I never come your way”. She never came again. Every time we meet they ask us to come their way. They’re leaving over the weekend to a city 2h away and asked us to come to them bc they have to “pack” (for a weekend trip). We’re leaving on Tuesday, for 5 months. We have to pack. Both of these couples are also financially super comfortable, they take Ubers everywhere. My gf recently graduated so she doesn’t have her student ticket anymore, she pays for every train fare which is now 4€ one way. We are saving 50% of our salaries for our trip. The other couple makes 7-8k after taxes. No kids. I wish they’d just take their damn Ubers to our apartment once. Or an area in the middle.

The thing that pisses me off the most is the entitlement. They expect us to come. They say “but we’re working” as an argument all the time. I work tonight, longer than they are, in a service job. And I’m still going to their place only to take a damn 50min train at 10 in the night. There is no compromise.

I know we probably won’t be friends with them when we come back, but I’m a little angry. I feel taken for granted. While one of them keeps telling us we’re the only friends she actually wants to see.

And that’s fine, I don’t think anyone making small talk with me realizes that!

I just tell them I’ve always wanted to live in Europe, and I fell in love with London so I stayed. I’ve built a life here now.

I’ve lived in the UK for 5 years now, I still need another 5 for residency unfortunately bc the visas I’ve been on so far qualify for the 10-year route (let’s hope my company sponsors me lol, it should be a yes but director needs to confirm).

But why is the question difficult for me? Well, yes it’s true that I like being in Europe etc etc. The real reason I got pushed to start a new life far away is bc I grew up with a very manipulative, sinister, narcissistic abusive mother. My dad was an enabler in her abuse and my brother has taken after my mom unfortunately. My mom has done and said things to my siblings and I that are so horrific, it would make you wonder how she wasn’t arrested. She fully exploited my sister for example and my mom even pretended to give me away once.

The trauma from my upbringing impacts my daily life. I’m always convinced my bf is suddenly going to be angry with me and will hate me. At work if I made a slight error with a calculation even, my whole body shakes from fear, even if no one notices anything (bc people in my org make mistakes daily with the workload we have).

So, I would like to stay far away from my family (minus my sister) and the setting I grew up in for as long as possible. I’ve built a life far away with very normal, kind, stable friends, and now a very loving and peaceful boyfriend. I never want to experience what I had the first 23 years of my life again.

So that’s why I am choosing to stay so far from California, or the US generally.

But of course, I’ll never say that to a stranger I just met who’s asking why I’d leave sunny California for gloomy London.

I am a woman in my late twenties living in Sudan. I have not been able to complete my university education because of the ongoing war, and I am currently unemployed.

I have tried to find work several times, but the wages I could earn were so low that they were barely enough to buy a single meal. My family consists of six people, and sometimes, even when we combine everything we earn, we can barely afford one meal a day.

My father is in his late seventies and suffers from chronic illnesses, while my mother is in her sixties. It is heartbreaking to watch them struggle with their health while I am unable to provide them with the food and medical care they need. I also have younger siblings who depend on our family.

Before the war, we lived comfortably. My father spent his entire life building a stable life for our family, but the war took away so much of what he had worked for. Now, we struggle to meet even our most basic needs. We face shortages of food, water, and electricity, and we cannot afford the medical treatment our family needs.

I feel as though my life has been put on hold. I watch my youth pass by while I struggle to find a way to help my family and continue my education. The situation has taken a devastating toll on my mental health, and I have attempted to end my life more than once because of the despair I have experienced.

I am reaching out because I urgently need financial assistance to help my family afford food, essential daily necessities, and medical care for my parents. Any financial contribution, no matter how small, could help us meet some of our immediate needs.

I am also seeking a fully funded scholarship or another legitimate educational opportunity that would allow me to complete my university studies abroad and eventually build a more stable future for myself and my family.

I currently do not have a bank account, so I would appreciate information about safe and legitimate ways to receive financial assistance while living in Sudan. I am not asking anyone to share sensitive personal documents publicly, and I would want any assistance arrangement to protect my privacy and safety.

I am not looking for luxury. I am asking for a chance to meet my family's basic needs, help my sick parents, protect my younger siblings from hunger, and continue my education despite the devastating circumstances we are facing.

If you are able to offer financial assistance, know of a legitimate organization that helps families in Sudan, or can point me toward a reliable way to receive support, I would sincerely appreciate your help.

I (M18) have been grappling with Transgender thoughts for around a couple months now. I’ve done every quiz I could find, and spent several days thinking and wondering.

For the life of me, I cannot understand whether or not I feel comfortable with my gender. It’s genuinely becoming a thing that scares me. It’s only heightened by the fact I see transphobic comments and people at every turn, so that makes it scarier. I really don’t know how I feel and that scares me. I’m afraid to figure it out. I’m afraid to not know. I don’t know what to do.

Ps: if you dislike, or for whatever reason hate transgender people. Please DNI.

I’m 25F and I have mental issues. I’ve had depression my whole life, I have anxiety, PTSD and ADHD. Most of my childhood was spent being molested by my step dad and my mom treating me like a maid/nanny. My whole life has been filled with abuse and trauma and for a long time now I’ve been feeling suicidal but couldn’t ever pull through with it. Last year I left my home state in the middle of the night and got onto the Amtrak (already paid for) and rode 3 days to MA. I was homeless for only 4 months and than I got housing and through all of that, I had my partner (he’s still around and we’re still together) helping me get to the right people and doing the right things. What I’m trying to say is, I’m tired of being here, I feel myself giving up and I’m just…tired. I feel the light leaving my body and the great nothing getting worse even while on meds. I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know how to keep going.

pretty much the title. i'm at the Fiumicino airport, going back home after a 6-weeks trip to Italy. there's two agents behind the window, one's vaping in the background, the other one, who i went to, is sending voice memos on her phone and scrolling on facebook for a solid minute before even aknowledging me. i present her an envelope for a tax return that needs to be sent via postal service. she just tells me 'red box' and hands me my passport back, i try to ask her if i need to do anything with the envelope before sending it, but she cuts me off and yells 'RED BOX'. i sit there a little dumbfounded for .2 seconds and ask her again, do i need to do anything??? idk b*tch i'm asking you because idk not because i want to make your life miserable + it's your job but she justs throws her hands in the air and mumbles shit in italian. so i end with a 'grazie per niente' and go put the goddamn enveloppe in the red box, hoping it's gonna make it and i'm gonna get my money back.

i loved my time in Italy and have a nice time everytime i come (this was my 3rd time in Italy, 1st time alone, i learned the language, etc.), but to my Canadian self, i find people, especially the ones working with the public, to be so rude and unhelpful at times, they make you feel like you're a piece of dog shit stuck on their sole... no sense of urgency or customer service whatsoever (for some, ofc some service workers are amazing).

i work customer service, i know people are fcking annoying at times. but i still keep a smile on my face because i chose that job. being rude to people that are being polite to you and are simply asking a question will never make sense to me.

TLDR; Italian border staff at Fiumicino airport made me cy or frustration and i needed to vent.

thanks that's all, will go catch my plane now

I’m a man in my 40s who has spent most of his life presenting as straight - dating women, doing everything “right” - while quietly knowing somewhere deep down that I might be bi or gay. I’ve never fully explored that side of myself and honestly I’m still figuring it out.
Then I met this guy a couple of years ago. He’s my new straight best friend. We talk on the phone for hours almost daily, have taken trips together, share our lives in ways that feel genuinely rare and meaningful. He’s sent me thoughtful gifts including a signed poetry book ordered from another country, says I’m the person he’s most grateful to have met, and keeps me on the phone while he does his errands, his drives, his ordinary life.
He identifies as straight and dates women constantly. But sometimes the things he says and does make me wonder if there’s something unexamined on his end too. I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that he’s gorgeous and I don’t think that’s ever going to change for me. Some people just have that effect on you permanently.
For a long time this was destroying me. I was comparing myself to him, feeling behind in life, questioning my sexuality, wondering if I was crazy. I went to therapy. I cried about it.
But somewhere along the way I arrived at something that feels true:
Not every attraction needs to become a relationship. Not every connection needs a label. Sometimes you can simply admire someone without needing it to be anything more than what it is.
I still haven’t fully figured out who I am. But I genuinely treasure what we have.
Has anyone else navigated something like this?

Sometimes I feel really selfish for feelings this way. I look at all of the people around me, and how much love I receive. But I still feel like it's not enough. I still curse at the sky, screaming for the life that was taken from me. I've found new love, I should be happy. And I am, sometimes. But it's always there. The life that could've been, should've been! I don't know how to move on in peace. I've tried. I've been in therapy for 2 years now, but all I have is sorrow and anger.

Hello I just want this off my chest. I'm tired and done with my family. I thought I will be fuming with anger but I instead found myself somewhat calm(?) acceptance state(?) like I found the closure I need to not feel bad of letting go haha and i do find this funny, unbeliebable yet predictable lol

Anyway, Im 36 and jobless. Before that, at 28 I was earning 6k digits income which is really good in the philippines. I started job at 19 right after I finished my associate course, I wanted to have a degree but i have irresponsible dad and housewife mom who refuse to work even for herself. The moment i finished school she was quick to say I should pay for my own things so I should get a job. That's rich coming from someone who would steal my savings until it's zero. I dont have savings even at 19. I keep trying hard to earn more and more and have no chill cause I cant even afford little things i want cause i need to provide first. She was never like that to my younger brother, her favorite lmao. I'm not even hired yet but my mom has already made sure I need to provide. One funny thing is that my mom was so set to be housewife she "retired" at 40. I will be 40 in 4 years with nothing on me:D I didnt have a kid for retirement fund, not that i would do that if i had a kid. But she made sure everyone knows that I've made a choice not to have kids (and apparently partner). There was a point i had an SO and I was thinking about moving out and potentially starting a family because they guy really made me feel stable. I told my mom what if I wanted to have kids, she said, "You can have one!" like i was asking for a f*cking candy. Of course she decided these or else it would ruin her retired housewife life. Who's gonna fund it her irresponsible manwhore husband she refuse to annul? When I got better earnings I was quick to to help my brother finish school by assisting financially (not fully but I helped a lot cause my dad was inconsistent) My brother did really bad at school towards the last year because of this religion he was attending that time but i wont go into it. That means I had to keep paying for expensive tuition fees. After school he didnt tried looking for work for over 2 years and mom was fine with it, cause she got me paying for everyone. When he got job, he was never obliged to contribute and on his next job he looked somewhere further and moved out. HAHAHAHA fuckers

This is more than 10 years in the making afterall so it's going to be long, so I'll fast forward. My mom got sick 3 yrs ago, I paid almost most of it but somehow my dad's the person who stepped up (wtf?) my dad and my brother was the only people my mom looks for when she wasnt in her right mind, and i was suppose to just suck it up but also carry everything, finacially, physical and mental burden. Now that I'm writing this, I'm realizing even more how bad I had to carry these people haha

Long side note, you dont have to read through all of this. Actually this part confirms, I'm nothing in this house. When I was a kid my mom constantly sent me away to my grandparents and school as early as 3yo, while she play happy family with my dad and brother. When there are events she would send me to my grandparents, and the 3 of them go somewhere else. I was left alone on the very first day of school when i was 3, and i shouldnt cry cause im "old enough". I just turned 3yo and 2 months later she sent me to school and would leave me there for almost a whole days several times. The nursery class is only 4 hours. My brother on the other hand, when he started school she was there with him all throughout the class consistently everyday. While other kids are pulled out of class or missed days for family outing, i was left behind or sent away. Oh, and whenever I want affection like hugs or lying on her lap, sitting close to her, she doesnt want it cause it's hot and icky but when my brother does it minutes later it's okay. My brother can cry, throw tantrums and act childish but i cant cause im older. but why is that when he's 3yo he's allowed to be a child and i'm not? If he cries it's also my fault, if he did something i get reprimanded too. Everything is my fault whether I do something or not do anything. I cant ask for things cause i messes the budget but easily gives in to my brother when he asks. I remember this one time that i asked for a PPG Bubbles figure she said no initially but when she said yes my brother can have one too. He picked the twice more expensive toy but somehow it's my fault the budget was a mess. I remember this so vividly cause it was the 2nd time she looked at me with so much hate. I can tell you more instances but i realized it's getting long lol Somehow my mom thinks i'm to blame like am i some sort of root of evil? So if you asked me now if i was shown affection, i now know the difference between legal obligations and affections are two different things.

Fast forward to know, I dont have job but somehow I'm still responsible to all expenses. My brother decided to move back home with his girlfriend never once this people offer any help with the expenses or atleast to take over her beloved mother's medical bills. Our rice and gas drains faster since they moved in, they use house utilities and somehow their only contribution is 2.5k to a 13-15k monthly expense (including our moms meds) When I told them I only have atleast 3mos saving left to spend after that I'm out of money, my brother said he'd help but then a week later, my mom said they moving before december. Suddenly they were rushing to leave hahahaha

All my life I was pouring my resources to these people. Im the one dealing their bad life choices especially financial. I've been reflecting lately and I recently did realize it that I keep pouring with nothing left for me so what happens when i grow old? Why do i have to pay for my mom who refuses to earn her own money and retire so soon. I'm only jobless now and they still took as much but ready to leave when im out and dry, what of me when im sick or old and unable to work? I've been thinking about cutting them off once I get on my feet. But I keep going back and forth with this guilt i know was a conditioned mindset, the guilt of leaving and cutting off my family.

With all these reflections I've been doing, I realize how tired I am being the support, emergency fund, the ones who handle big decisions when money is invovled, the one who has to bear the consequences of their action, to always be on standby and put them first. Literally treated me shit when i was helpless child to be "independent at 3" and now expect me to be someone they can depend on. SOOO me being a hopeless idiot who still holds on on this fantasized family i see them as, i asked universe for one last BIG sign (even though it probably shown me a hundred times I just ignored), then kind of slapped in your face sign. Then next day I got it. My mom informed me that these 2 are suddenly leaving and my mom all supportive of it lmao. So boundary, support and love only works if it benefit them. So now I think Im ready I dont know if it's numbness or indifference but i'm really tired and I dont care anymore. I still dont know how to explain this but it feels like something clicked like okay, do whatever.

I know some people here will say something like I chose this or I let them, or Im counting my deeds and i shouldn't. Well, now that i know better, these people my so called family shouldnt even be taking this much but they did, they are fully grown adult and should be acting like one, and I should have a self preservation but I didnt have any. I dont know I shouldnt put other people's need first before me. I was treated and raised to literally serve them and i didnt know until recently that i should be living for me. It took me more than 30 years but I'm atleast realizing it and waking up from it

Just want this off my chest. Now I feel like I can start anew with no feelings holding me back.