I (26F) have battled depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts since I was 11 years old. I grew up in a narcissistic household and was subjected to routine verbal, physical, and mental abuse. The passive suicidal thoughts/ideations have never left me, but I’ve noticed that recently, the feelings have become much more dark and intrusive.

This year, two of my immediate family members died traumatically in the span of 6 weeks. I also learned that my narcissistic mother was lying to me about circumstances of my childhood. I have since cut her out of my life, and that has left me feeling like I’ve been mourning 3 family members altogether.

I am married to my husband, who has been helpful often. But he has his own struggles too. He is on the AuDHD spectrum and has had some really intense and scary meltdowns. Sometimes he is mean to me and his words can be very hurtful. My short-term memory has been awful recently, so I have been forgetful of conversations he and I have, or sometimes I will move something of his and it ends up getting lost. I always take responsibility for the times I mess up, but he has ways of making me feel like I’m stupid. He will get short with me or have a back-handed comment that destroys my confidence. Sometimes he is helpful with settling me down, but other times I can see how my emotions just seem to be a burden to him.

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I was up crying and thinking about how I just wanted to wrap a cord around my neck and asphyxiate myself. I made multiple attempts to wake my husband as I just wanted someone to talk to. Someone to distract me for a little bit and help me process my feelings. Alas, he said he was “very tired” and “not feeling well” and his “head hurt.” Mind you, he had no complaints of these things earlier in the day. Also it was only 11 pm when I was trying to wake him up. I was heartbroken and devastated because I felt like asking to have support was too much to ask. I decided to give up, so I went downstairs and cried some more by myself and started writing a semblance of a suicide note. I eventually went back up to bed and fell asleep.

Every day I exist, I get reminders that I’m not important and that I don’t matter. The only person I have left in my life is my husband and his family and none of them care despite my desperate cries for help. I literally have been announcing at work and at home that I want to die but nobody seems bothered by it. I have fully isolated myself from any friends I once had. I just hate everything about myself and I wish I had someone to talk to.

My life has been too painful and I don’t want to deal with it anymore. There are a lot of details I haven’t included (sexual abuse, cancer diagnosis at 18, etc.), but my life has not been easy and I just want out at this point. Nobody cares about me or bothers to help when I reach out. So why keep trying?

Tldr; I have nothing and nobody to help me. My existence is not important and I would be better off dead.

Out of the last 28 years I've experienced maybe 12 hours of happiness. The rest of that time has been completely pointless. Endless misery. Today, there isn't a single thing in the entire world that I want anymore. There's no point in expending any effort on any of it.

I (M24) have been roadtripping around the US for a little over two months now. I don't have much remaining in my account. I have been trying to make something out of it, a documentary of sorts of the people, the country, myself, along w/ my camera, my writing, guitar, and skateboard.

Anyways, I don't want to go back home. For me, I just want to keep going, keep creating this project, and it's either do this or die for me.

Which is why I think I'm going to go through my bank to take out this $5,000 loan and make it last as long as possible, then maybe sell my car. Even if I don't get a chance to edit the footage

I know it's not the best idea but I don't really see any other way for me to live. I've been wanting to run like this for years and I'm finally doing it. It's beautiful out here, there's a lot of poetry to be found, it's just the stress of money

I'm in my tent and it's raining, right now

Lately, I realized that this thought has always been with me. (I am from an immigrant family currently living among Eastern Europeans, and they kind of neglected me, used me to do the hard work without paying me properly, while they sat on their money, telling me they are superior. I had to deal with every burden alone, with 0 help, while taking care of sick relatives as a minor. This could be one of the reasons why this exists.)

Anyways, these days this thought is getting stronger: I am dirty, filthy, gross, even though I am physically clean. I don't know why. I feel like people wouldn't want to touch me, approach me because of how gross I am, even though I am hygenic, something in me tells me that I am not, and never will be. There is something on me that I cannot wash off. That I am less than the people around me, like a dog or a slave, trying to get higher in the hierarchy. Idk.

Everyone says they have mental issues like its a quirky thing to do. I just don’t understand why they do this and turn around to act disgusted and weirded out when actually ill person physically shows signs of mental illness

I hate hearing how grateful I should be. Like I say imm depressed and I hate my life and I hear “YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL YOU DON’T LIVE IN THIS COUTRY THATS EXPERIENCING ALL THS WAR” like oh thanks now the chemicals in my brain are permanently changed after you telling me that. “You have a degree and a roof over your head, nothing to be sad about” oh yeah haha you’re right now I’m cured. I’m genuinely super hard on myself already so hearing how I should be more grateful makes me feel like people perceive me as someone who is just depressed for shits and giggles. I’m not a dumb ass and I’m fully aware there are people who have a life that is worse than mine. This toxic positivity culture is honestly deepening my depression. Gratitude makes me feel a lot of shame for having a few good things with an unstable mind.

Another one that’s my fav is “get over it and move on” ahh yes because I purposely choose to be in pain. Seriously wtf? Get over it? You think I don’t want to? Intrusive thoughts and constant reminders of the past are not me choosing to not get over it. My body remembers, my feelings and emotions are felt within my body and my body and mind are so disconnected. I swear I say the same shit and I get the same bullshit advice from a neurotypical person. Move on, get over it, be grateful, go for a walk, drink some water, do this do that. Mother fuckers should be grateful they can’t relate to how hard fucking life has been to me in order for the chemicals in my brain to be as fucked as they are. Makes me never want to speak to anyone in fear of judgement that i’m just not grateful.

I've been depressed since I was 10 years old been medicated for it and other mental disorders numerous times throughout my life. I've also used street drugs and enjoyed my life and realized what it's like to be truly free.

A common theme here is that a lot of people seem to be medicated by these pharmaceutical companies and not realize what the actual chemicals are doing.

Do you even know what an SSRI is? That's probably what you're taking. It stands for seretonin selective reuptake inhibitor it stops seretonin from being absorbed back into your nerve cells once it's been secreted.

THIS IS CRAZY! This literally makes people more depressed. The serotonin that is active in your system stays active and doesn't go away. It makes it so your experiences instead of having fleeting value to you because what they are is minor fleeting things. Stuff like eating an apple, stuff like walking your dog. All of a sudden you CANT FUCKING GET OVER IT. Suddenly a near worthless activity has had much more value added to it.

They think this helps because it's part of there agenda Stop you living and experiencing the highs and lows in life. Keep you stable under control and in a state of misery. Because guess what if you don't experience the depression your life doesn't get better. If the minor satisfaction of eating an apple or walking a dog doesn't wear off when it's supposed to for you. Like almost immediately but instead lingers with you all day. Then guess what your life will be like in three years of this.

IT WILL SUCK. and when the tolerance builds up to your medication. Because guess what it's a drug and you developed tolerance to it over time. Your life is just as shit as it was three years ago and you experienced nothing and gained nothing. Because you never went into that rock bottom of sadness and faced those monsters head on.

The only way to overcome this demon is hitting rock bottom or die trying. You're not going to get out of this life alive so you may as well live while you're here. The only thing that's gonna make you want to live is when you're ready to die. I'm thinking about killing myself almost every single day. I think about how all I need is a small amount of fentanyl. And I can just fall into a blissful death. I don't do it though because I know I hate this world so much I want to beat the fuck outta it.

When you're sad and life sucks you start to crave more and find ways to do more. If you don't have any ambition in your heart then keep taking the prozac and see how long it lasts. Eventually it will still wear off but you won't get those years back. You'll be older and it will be harder for you to accomplish the goals that are in your heart. Stop now and just fucking take the chance. We already think about dieing why not just do something before it's over. You can always die later if it doesn't go well.

I am so bored and lonely that I want to kill myself. I go to therapy and take bupropion yet I still can't stop this feeling. I just don't want to wake up. Every night I hope I don't wake up the following day

25M. I want to tell you a story that I can't forget for almost 2 and a half years. I have a friend, a really good friend since my childhood. Let's say his name is Ben. I've known him for like 20 years. In 2023-2024 I was in army (in my country it is inevitable). I was keeping in touch with him, regularly. In May 2024 I was going home. He was in the Uni not too far from our hometown and said he will come by the end of June to meet with all friends and me.

June 14. I was enjoying myself, chilling after the army. And his sister writes me early in the morning if I saw him or talked to him recently. I haven't for like 3 days. We waited for like 2-3 days. Checked everything, he was not online, didn't respond etc. On June 16, Ben's parents learned, that Ben went to our hometown by the bus early in the morning on June 11. At June 17 me, my other friend and Ben's parents went to the little field near the road where he left the bus and went to find him. After 15 minutes of wandering I found his dead body hanging on the tree. At first I didn't feel anything. I have never felt anything when my relatives died. But later when I moved out of town It hit me like a rock. I was and still am drinking a lot. At first it was like constant crying when drinking. And when I am sober I feel like a robot and still am to this day. Even though I live with the girlfriend whom I've been seeing for like 6 years already, I stopped talking about it. And it feels like other friend in our friend circle stopped talking or thinking about it. I just don't know how to move on from this.

Funny thing that Ben played his favorite games on steam on June 10. We talked like a day before. And after his death, his parents asked me to check his computer, he erased all of his Hard Disks and replaced the data with 0's. That's like insane for me. And nobody knows anything. Not one friend or his relative, noone.

I know it's very childish and selfish. But how do you keep going forward from this? I have a good life, a loving girlfriend, a good job, etc. but my days feels shallow and I don't know what to do about it.

I've been so depressed to wear I just cry multiple times a day watch tv movies and do nothing. Ever since my income dropped significantly I feel like I have nothing left. My bday is approaching I have no friends, and don't really have family besides like 2 family members. And all of a sudden not until 29 I learned I have brothers on the side of my family I know nothing about. Dropped out of grad school. And just tired of everything I wanted to move to a new country because I literally have nothing to stay in my city for. The two family members are leaving the country so I'm going to be really more alone soon anyways.

I have finally started coming to terms with what is bothering me (what has bothered me my whole life). I have been plagued with despair, depression and dread my whole life.

Being older, I realized I was hoping to find a way out.

Instead, I have decided to read everything I can about dying. I don't believe I can come to terms with my life without confronting my death.

I am in my later years 68F. I am still healthy for my age physically (with some health concerns).

This is the most proactive thing I have ever done for my mental health or in spite of it. I am diagnosed with a complex dissociative disorder and bipolar II.

So as I said in spite of this I decided to try and help myself out of the despair I feel.

Years ago I was briefly introduced to the writings of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross when I was studying psychology in college.

I realized that for the most part I have always been in one of the five stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and (not so often) Acceptance.

Taking this step feels like I am finally on the right track.

I just wanted to share this, in that it might be helpful for others in my situation to explore.

I wish you well. And I will be checking back in as I make my journey.

I’m 28 and I’ve got absolutely nothing to be sad about. I’ve got a decent job, a fantastic husband, a great best friend and I still don’t want to be here. I am terrified of death but I can’t fathom doing this every day for the rest of my life. This empty feeling kills me. I hate everyone around me being able to be happy and carefree. I hate watching people laugh and have a good time because I’m jealous I’m not them. I hate when people tell me to just cheer up. If I could I would. I can’t.

My meds are not working anymore. Therapy isn’t working anymore. I can’t rely on my psychiatrist to help me anymore. I’m just done. I want to just give up and let the depression and anxiety take over because I’m so tired of this fight. This back and forth, will she won’t she crap is exhausting. Id give anything to feel something other than sadness.

How the fuck am I supposed to do this?

I know I would never kill myself, but I think about suicide and how good it would be every single day, and I just want it to stop. Can someone please tell me how I can fix it? I need a clear answer.

I finally wrote my letter. i'm not even sure if anyone will find it when i'm gone but i wrote it just incase.

do you guys ever feel so hurt, lost and confused and there's just no one you trust enough or rely on you can just tell that you're hurting? i'm just dealing with so much but this is getting so hard it's hurting me

I’m 23 years old and I don’t want to live anymore. I’ve wanted to off myself since before I was 13. I’m unemployed, living with my parents, and addicted to any little bit of escapism I can find. I’m a freeloading burden on my entire family and completely useless. I’ll try to talk to my mom about it, but she’ll just say that if I make “jokes” like that I’ll end up in a psych ward, all alone.

So I stay silent, I put on a mask, and I keep my head down. I live in filth, I don’t leave my bed, and I don’t spend time with family. My younger sister is doing so much better than me, and I can’t help but feel like I’m a mistake. I was an accident, I never should have been born.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

The worst part is that it’s all my fault. If I just wasn’t such a lazy piece of shit, if I wasn’t failing in college, if I gave a shit about anything at all, maybe my life wouldn’t be so pathetic. I’m fat, and ugly, and stupid, and nobody loves me. Everything would be better if I was dead.

I don’t know if the afterlife exists, or anything like that, but even if it doesn’t, not existing anymore would be good enough for me.

I love to take 2 Benadryl and essentially sedate myself to sleep. Nothing beats it.

Probably because I hate my life

I feel depressed often, I was diagnosed with chronic depression by a therapist and I recently just got out of a horrible relationship so I think I have the qualifications to say this.

In my personal experience, when you grow up feeling the need to prove your worth to your parents, feeling like you need to earn love and care. You tend to hold onto relationships that aren’t good for you, because you get attached and you want them to love you, just like you wanted your parents to love you. You think if you say the right things and do the right things then maybe you can earn their love, win them over. You might get what you want but you’ll still end up feeling miserable. Constantly masking and sacrificing your own needs just to win someone’s affection is painfully exhausting. Don’t be like me, whenever a person takes interest in you or you take interest in someone else, match their level of effort. Don’t overextend yourself in an attempt to win their love. Love isn’t something you have to win. It’s a choice that someone makes when they decide their interested in you.

Hey! I’m really depressed. Just need someone to talk to.
Anyone to talk, I’m really alone

I've been very depressed for a while, I've probably been considering suicide for the past 2-3 years, I don't know why i keep on going on. (a little context): I switched schools for my freshmen year of highschool, i knew nobody and its impossible to make friends when everyone has a friend group from 3+ years ago and i have the social skills of a rock. I was invisible no one even acknowledges me i am just a ghost.

But today i had this realization, I barely have friends and when i say barely i mean it. I have like 3 friends but they are all upperclassmen and 2 will graduate at the end of the school year and the last one next year. I barely see them because its hard to have classes with upperclassmen so i can only see them during very short times during the school day. But what caused this to come to mind was that the other day we had a mandatory event in the auditorium but it was only for people in my grade specifically so i knew nobody there and had to just go sit alone as i watched groups and groups of people sitting with their friends messing around and laughing and having so much fun. I wish i could experience that. But because of what happened that day i started wondering in a year or two, who am i going to sit next to, who can i talk to. Nobody, the answer is Nobody. those few friends i talk to are the only reason school is bearable.

Another leading factor for my miserable life is i dont think i will ever find someone who truly loves me. I'm not even a bad looking person I'd say im about top 20% lookswise, and im 6"2. But im just a loser i dont socialize, i dont do anything after school, i dont go to hoco, i dont go to football games, i dont go to none of those bullshit events. I honestly and wholeheartedly believe if i found a Girl that genuinely loves me and cares for me I would be so much more happier and that would fix so much problems. But i try to keep myself from imagining stuff like that in my head because i know it wont happen, i like to try and stay away from false hope. Besides I dont think i've had any female be attracted to me my entire life, im a certified trucel.

I don't really have anything to live for, ive given up on love so if anyone wants to talk please talk to me now before i soon make myself a ceiling fan decoration.

I don't know if this is the right place to ask for help. It's just that I am suffering from depression and, worst of all, phone addiction. I don't have the guts to ask for help from someone I know. I will ask for help from a therapist, but for some personal reasons, I can't go immediately. Oh and I I have ocd if that matters

i just relapsed. it hasn't even been that long since last time but i promised myself i wouldn't do it again. i've been feeling so alone. not like no one understands me but like no one wants to. i think people can see that i'm struggling and they just don't care. i wish somebody would notice how hard i'm trying. just getting out of bed in the morning feels impossible. i don't know how long i can keep doing this. each day feels so hard. i am ashamed of how hard it is for me to live.

(16F)My family are the kind that are super religious and don’t believe in mental illness. Whenever my mom found out about my sh, she yelled at me then forgot about the whole thing the next day and never brought it up again.

Ive talked to her about how I’ve been feeling but she would just say that im tired or hungry and only crazy people go to doctors for things like that.

We’re also super broke which might be another reason why she doesn’t want do anything.

I’ve been this way for around 4 years now and everyday i feel myself slipping away, getting worse and relapsing.

I want help but im not sure how to get it, all the suggestions ive seen either costs money or need parental support. What do i do?