Edit-
I’m sorta grateful he got to see y’all’s POV. I’ll update later, can’t type to much right now.

I

So I woke up and couldn’t find my phone, I already know what that means. Anyways I woke up to all the incriminating photos deleted, little does he know is they were not deleted fully, I am going to put them on a SD card just in case he figures it out. Anyways he called yall my fan club, we are all over exaggerating & he would be better if I was. I asked him if he really read the comments, he kind of dismissed the question. I told him they find you terrifying and abusive saying I need to get away.. its not just me and not me lying, i told him i NEED people to talk to about this bc im not okay. Sadly, this is my tame account, my other account has a lot more violent stuff, that is more so what pissed him off bc he’s what if someone found him out, they won’t find out if you don’t do it 🤷🏻‍♀️.. surprisingly was not that mad though that I thought him, NOW, I’m sure this will be used for later.
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Hi guys, I'll try to keep this as short as possible although there's a lot I could say...

I'm 24 Femal from Morocco, I have a bachelor's degree in finance, and for the past month, I've been trying to survive on my own after running away from my fathers home.

I lost my mother a while ago, and ever since then life hasn't really been the same I grew up in a very strict religious family especially when it comes to my father..

He has always been controlling, but things got much worse when he started insisting that I marry a man he knows who's almost 20 years older than me.

I barely knew this man, and the idea of spending the rest of my life with someone I didn't love, someone old enough to be my father terrified me.. But my father didn't care about what I wanted, To him it was already decided and my opinion didn't really matter... And as an agnostic girl who was trying to hide her ideas and thoughts and acting the whole time around him.

I refused multiple times, hoping he would eventually understand but instead, things became unbearable at home. The arguments turned into threats, and I started feeling like a prisoner

Eventually, I realized that staying meant accepting a marriage I never wanted, so I made the hardest decision of my life and left and he said if I stepped outside the door he won't accept me as a daughter for the rest of life..

It's been around a month now, and as I just graduated I couldn't find a decent job and couldn't even rest mentally to start thinking straight tbh

At first, I stayed with a friend for a few days, but I couldn't keep depending on her, so I moved to another city, hoping to start over somewhere nobody knew me.

And God, I had no idea how cruel the world could be to a young woman who's completely alone.

It feels like almost everyone I meet wants something from me... Some men pretend to care about my situation offer help and then eventually reveal what they're actually expecting in return

Others see my vulnerability as an opportunity to take advantage of me

I managed to find a job in a hotel but even there I couldn't feel safe.. A coworker started harassing me and I eventually resigned because I was terrified of things getting worse.

Now I'm struggling financially, emotionally, and mentally. Some days, I barely have enough energy to get out of bed, let alone figure out how I'm supposed to rebuild my entire life.

The worst part is that I've already attempted suicide twice since leaving home. I'm not proud of admitting that, but I don't want to pretend that I'm doing okay when I'm clearly not. There were moments when the loneliness, fear, and hopelessness became so overwhelming that I genuinely couldn't imagine another way out.

I keep thinking about my mother and how different everything might have been if she were still alive. Maybe she would've protected me, maybe she would've listened, or maybe I would've at least had someone to cry to when everything started falling apart.

Sometimes I even catch myself wondering whether marrying that man would've been easier than living like this. Maybe I could've endured it for a while and eventually gotten divorced I know how terrible that sounds, but when you're constantly fighting just to survive you start questioning every decision you've made.

I spent years studying, dreaming about becoming independent, building a career, and having a normal life. And now, at 24, I feel like I've lost everything before my life has even properly started.

I don't have a family to turn to, I don't have financial stability, and I'm slowly losing the little confidence I had left.

I'm not writing this to ask for just money or sympathy I just needed somewhere to let everything out because keeping it all inside is destroying me... I will be homeless at the end of this month and that make me wanna just get relieved from all this pain and put a conclusion of this suffering.

I just wanted to rest and think and look for jobs while Im in stable situation, I live now with the worst roomate u could have and even tho I'll miss having a bed and bare minimum life cuz I lost hope that I will build my life again

I dated a man briefly. He was controlling and possessive and petty and vengeful and always had to be right. I thought this was just how he was and didn’t understand it as abusive until he hit me. Now I fear that traditionally “masculine” qualities that I am naturally attracted to may be qualities that many abusive men have.

When you look back at the earlier stages of your relationships, what were the signs? Were there any?

I left him three years ago after he strangled me.

my brain has never felt the same. I struggle to remember and to tell my body how to do certain activities. I’ve been berated by teachers in college for not doing well. I struggle to remember words to communicate properly.

I just got a neurologist referral because I’m finally ready to accept I was strangled and that it was deeply dangerous and damaging.

i miss my old brain. I feel really dumb. it’s not fair that he gets to live free without consequences when I live with what he did everyday. I am so depressed.

officially calling it quits even though I have been mentally checked out for a while!
28 (F) 38 (M)

Context :

I met this wonderful handsome, generous, kind man in early spring 2025. We started getting to know each other, had a couple of low profile dates. After a couple of weeks we finally had sex and I started staying over at his house..

I would be over there everyday (even if I wanted to be alone in my own apartment) he would always call me and say “I’ll be there in 20 minutes” and I felt like I couldn’t say no.. this happened for a while, close to 2-3 months of going back n forth, picking up clothes, never staying the night at my own apartment, coming to feed the cat etc before I finally asked him “why don’t I just move in?”

1. I’m neglecting my cat
   
2. Im never home but paying for rent
   
3. The relationship seemed to be heading in a positive happy way

It started very slowly.. the control, the abuse, the complete annihilation of my autonomy & self.

He made me get rid of my cat.. He wouldn’t let me leave the house by myself. He never offered to help me with packing my apartment so the DAY before I had to hand over my keys, I had to clean and have everything out.. I ended up hiring junk removal to take ALL my stuff. & he had no regard for my personal belongings, I couldn’t take anything simply he didn’t want it in his apartment.

Just like that, with no ability to turn back without being homeless, I was in his apartment..

Couple weeks go by, the control is ramping up. I’ve always taken transit to get to work but now I couldn’t. He HAD to drop me off. Anyways, I ended up losing my job over tardiness. He would insist on taking a 40 min shower when I had to leave.

I ended up finding another part time but didn’t last very long for the exact same reason.

At this point, he is going through my phone, making me block and delete everyone I know. Calling me a whore, using the stories/experiences I had told him in confidence against me. I deleted my social accounts, changed my number, stopped hanging out with my friends, I wasn’t allowed to do anything or go anywhere without him.

I was stuck.

He’s starting to get emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. I’d be sobbing every night from how little he would make me feel, how silenced I felt, how stupid I felt, how trapped and utterly confused I was.. I couldn’t believe that just a few short months earlier, I had my own apartment, my own furniture, my own income….

2 more months go by and SURPRISE! I’m pregnant!

The physical and emotional abuse only got worse.. he would grab me by the throat and choke me, slam me against the walls, push me and knock me down, slap me, scream at me, intimidate me, threaten me..

I tried to leave several times, every time he convinced me to stay. He’s gonna change, things will be different. They never were.

As the pregnancy progressed, the abuse didn’t stop. He would still choke me, slap me, scream at me, intimate me..

There were a few moments where we got closer as I started to get a big ol’ belly and my hormones were making me want to be loved and to love..

But it didn’t last, the day I went into labor he was more concerned about missing work than tending to me.. I had an emergency C-section that I’m convinced would not have happened if :

1. He had tended to me and helped me through, helped me to clean myself and prepare for labor
   
2. If my mom had been ‘allowed’ to be there

Fast forward….

Our baby is almost 1. I’ve been very patient. Counting the months until he turns 1.
The abusive has lessened slightly but a couple of times he has given me good bruises, made my lip bleed from slapping me so hard, choked me and shoved me around like a rag doll.

Twice I have fought back over self defense.

Our child has been outside maybe 3 times. He doesn’t have his vaccines (he doesn’t believe in them) I’m not allowed to go for a walk by myself. I’m not allowed outside, period (unless I’m supervised) he embarrasses me in public because I’m “walking too fast” “I’m not following his rule of always staying to the right” he tells me when to cross the street, as if im a child that is going to run out into traffic.

Honestly I’m just disgusted.. I don’t see him the same at all. We don’t even sleep in the same room.

My final straw is this…
We had sex last week, he came in me while I’m ovulating. I had to take plan B. I’m still postpartum. Now I have a UTI and I need antibiotics, I told him I was going to the pharmacy and he said no. If I leave the house just watch what happens to me.. my mom came to drop off the meds for me.

After everything, after every slap, all those times he put his hands on my neck and bruised me/bled. Denying me access to the pharmacy was my wake up call to get out.

So that is what I’m doing. I’m going to go to a home for abused woman and restart my life. I’m going to get custody of my baby, get my license, get an education and have my freedom back. My autonomy. My rights as a human being.

Please learn from my mistakes..

Wish me luck.

Im scared he'll take the kids if I wind up homeless with them.

My name is on the house, and so is his unfortunately.

My mother and i paid for that house.

Its not right he and his mother get to just bully me out of it.

I left for a month, and it's been the hardest month of my life. Im so tired.

What if I get him to hit me and actually report it this time?

I don't want to get cps involved, they'll take the kids but I guess they're safer with some random foster family at this point.

We're so far out in the desert, im scared I'll get buried out there and he and his mom will tell everyone I ran away again- without the kids this time. They'll never find my body.

He already tells me im lazy and do nothing for our kids. Controls my car. Oh, things escalated when i took my car back. Won't leave my house. Won't let me get a job. I cant leave the kids alone with him.

He and his mom have stolen my mail and other important things.

Im scared to send my son to school because he and/or his mom might "pick him up from school" and never return him.

I just don't know what to do. I keep praying to God that he'll just drop dead of natural causes, but the truth is I was close to having a stress related heart attack in that house.

Even my 4 year old noticed. He tells me "mama you're so happy now." My 18 month old hasn't said "dada" once since we've been gone. Not once.

The best I can think to do is lock myself and our kids in my room whenever he's home and get a boyfriend who works for the police department, since I already re-homed the dog. Im also gonna tell anyone and everyone in that town who will listen what he and his mother are doing to me.

What else can I do? Legally or illegally? Im open to hearing your suggestions.

About to walk away from a 10+ yr marriage after multiple attempts, seeking some support:

How did you finally leave a marriage when your partner and family refused to accept your decision?

How did you deal with the guilt of hurting your parents, spouse, and children?

Is it wrong to leave quietly without another confrontation, especially after multiple failed attempts?

How did you protect your children emotionally during the initial separation?

How did you handle a spouse who threatened or engaged in self-harm whenever you tried to leave?

Did anyone leave a long marriage without ever having felt truly in love? Did you regret it, or eventually find peace?

I'm scared. Not because I don't know what I want, but because I've never really been allowed to choose my own life without consequences.
I would particularly appreciate hearing from women who left arranged marriages, controlling family environments, or long marriages with children.
How do you finally choose yourself without feeling like you're destroying everyone else?

I'm not complaining: in a certain way, I feel I am free from a curse, but I'm quite young so I am exploring what this means for me.

My abusive relationship ended over 2 years ago, it was my first relationship ever so maybe it left a bigger mark on me. You know how it goes, at first he seemed like a really good dude. He was 10 years older than me and I think he couldn't accept his real sexual preferences, so eventually he took that out on me. He never hit me, but he humiliated, sexually coerced and manipulated me. He made me feel ashamed for EVERYTHING I did, it seemed like I didn't even know how to breathe according to him. And I believed him. I tried to make him happy in every way I could and nothing worked. I was running an endless race and at a certain point my legs gave out. I left.

He didn't take that well and started a smear campaign. He has hundreds of friends (not exaggerating) while I have like 3, and all his friends think I'm crazy, so my reputation in my small town is ruined possibly forever. I was taught that reputation is everything. It took me one full year to feel like a person again, and I still don't feel emotions like I used to. I do EMDR therapy, it helped me.

And now, I've met """one of the good ones""" and I feel it in my soul that I'll never love him or trust him, no matter what. I like his company but I still think he will hurt me sooner or later.

My therapist suggested I am afraid of falling in love again.

I am not afraid LOL

I just don't see how I could ever love a man? Those feelings just aren't there.

I still want to get married one day maybe, but even then, I'll never love my husband. Because I was seen as an object, I guess now I'm doing the same thing to them.

Just curious to talk to people who experienced the same thing, or just hear your thoughts.

But please, don't say 'noooo you will meet someone eventually and everything will work out <3' because that's not guaranteed and it's useless advice. Thanks.

Hello, First time poster. (F) I’ll try to keep this condensed as possible for my own peace of mind.

My emotionally abusive ex took his life last week. We had been no contact for eight years, but this still impacted my life.

I’ve been in therapy for a while. I wasn’t ready to reopen the wounds he left in me. In fact, when I wrote in another subreddit I was STILL defending him. It wasn’t until after his funeral that I finally admitted that he abused me. I feel ashamed even saying that because my own brain makes me feel guilty because he didn’t hit or verbally abuse me.

I won’t make a too detailed list but I was neglected, indirectly belittled, picked on, made to feel terrible about myself, never had support in bad moments, had him ignore me during important moments, and never felt good enough to be with him. He was so emotionally unavailable but would love-bomb me if I slipped too far away. It messed with my head. He would have very scary outbursts. If he got angry he was scary and threw things. Once he put his head in the wall and left a huge dent. Or he would ignore me. On top Of that, I used to make the excuse he was probably autistic and just not emotional.

I know that isn’t true. I’m working through it with my therapist now. This isn’t my fault.

We had the same friend group. I adored his parents and siblings. His best friend was one of my close friends. They called me to tell me. I was numb.

My first emotional conflict was crying for this man who hurt me. How could I cry for someone who put me in such a bad place? I cried for the friend I missed and the healing I wanted him to have.

Then feeling resentful. I have had to fight with my own issues with SI (some of which he was there for and didn’t even care.) the resentment of having to be strong and help myself, when he just gets to do this?

After, I felt so guilty. Despite what he did to me, he’s very missed. His parents and friends didn’t deserve this. I know his mom is devastated (I reached out to her.) I feel like a selfish jerk that this person is gone, people are mourning, and I’m only thinking about my own pain.

Now I’m just angry. This is the first time I’m coming to terms with having been abused. I’m embarrassed and blaming myself. I feel like it’s my own fault for staying for five years. I also feel guilty that it could have been worse (I know that’s just trauma.)

I think I’m also reconciling that I never got to tell him to his face that he’s awful for what he did to me.

My question is: has anyone been through similar? Have you had to navigate this? Is it normal to be this conflicted?

I (30F) have been with my bf (32M) for 5 year. He was the sweetest partner ever for the first year of our relationship, but it’s gone downhill ever since. One of the biggest turning points was after he met my abusive family. My mom is probably a narcissist (no formal diagnosis but fits the description perfectly), and she clashed hard with my boyfriend. I already had 1 foot out the door with my parents but their fighting lead me to cut ties with them. My parents wanted me to break up with him, he wanted me to cut them off. I cut them off.

I’ve had therapists over the years tell me I am being abused by my boyfriend, emotionally and not directly physically but physically (cornering me, punching holes in walls, throwing things etc) but lately my boyfriend has been telling me I am the abusive one.

He points out ways that I’m behaving like my abusive mom, ways that I’m just like her, ways that I am manipulating him (for example: ordering food for the both - he’s unemployed - as a form of love bombing to make him feel indebted to me and taking advantage of his dependence on me financially) I always felt I was doing something kind, but lately I’ve been questioning my own behavior if it’s something toxic I subconsciously picked up from watching my mom manipulate circumstances to get her way. He often says I am playing the victim, like my mother, to make him seem like a monster and deflect accountability for how my actions caused him to react the way he does.

I am very confused and just wondering how someone can tell if they are the abuser or not. I’ve spent so many years of my life trying to be nothing like my mom, but I also know she always made me feel like the problem so I’m just confused.

Hello, i posted this orignally in the advice subsreddit, but believe people in this sub would understand my situation better, and manage to offer a number of different opinions in how to follow.

I'm very lost, and i don't have anyone to rely on right now, and i need advice very desperately. I want to keep my identity vague, and will simply add that i am an adult. I am sorry if my explanation doesn't make a lot of sense. i've been very stressed lately, and it's making my attempts at talking and typing somewhat incoherrent.
I have been exchanging emails with my university's therapist. Originally, i was hoping to schedule an appointement with her, and get advice from her. During our exchange, i briefed her on my situation, which i won't deny is one of abuse, primairly emotional and psychological, which she concurred on, but it has been physical in the past, when i was a child. I presented to her a timeline, and mentioned during our email exchange that (which i believe to be true, and with reason) old abusive behaviors that my family used against me may be used again.
Right now, the most pertinent issues for me are my lack of autonomy (i stress again that i am an adult. i am of legal drinking age in the US. i do not wish to state the exact number of my age for privacy reasons, but that should give you an idea of what level of autonomy the type of adult i am typically should have), i am not allowed to leave the house if the location i want to travel to doesn't please my parents. i am typically chaperoned when i do. the only times i am not chaperoned is when it is related to university.
my privacy is constantly threatened. i am also threatened with physical violence, but this only during arguments. The reason for this is because my parents view me to be a child, mentally speaking, something they've stated verbally. I am not mentally delayed, i am not disabled in any way. there is no justification for this belief.
The university's therapist obviously incited me to call the national (i live in an european country) emergency number for DA victims, but it feels like a betrayal to the moducum of peace i have at home. i'm scared the situation will worse. all i really want is to find a middle ground with my family. i don't know what to do. That's why i'm seeking advice here, which is really pathetic, but i have no one else to seek advice from. My parents aren't bad people, and i don't wish them any ills or harm, but they're nuking any chance of my social and academic life from becoming anything worth actually living with their restrictions, and my mental health, and, subsequently, my physical health, with it. talking with them doesn't help, and typically makes the situation worse. but, i really don't think my situation is severe enough to warrant calling the hotline, either.

I will add, that i have a sibling, who partly raised me when i was a teen. my parents threw me at them, while they were immigrated in a different (also european) country. To this day, this sibling has authorative power over me. They also have a job within the legal system that might make this situation more complicated.

I do want to call the DA, ultimately. I guess i'm more afraid of what consequences may lie in the future if i do. I know this people might tell me that the professionals i will enter in contact with are especially trained to deal with cases where X denies what Y says, and whatnot. But that's in theory, and in practice, well, things are more complicated. I just don't want my situation to become worse, i guess.

hey so I was in a 3 year abusive relationship where he almost killed me 3 times. It’s been very hard to sleep I keep dreaming memories of what he did to me/of him and I. Music is what helps me a lot but everything I listen to makes me miss him instead of making me feel better, any good song recommendations to help me through this rn?

I hesitated to post this because I don't want to trigger anyone who has been through similar experiences. My heart genuinely goes out to those of you who have experienced abuse.

I 29F been dating 30M for a short time who initially seemed very genuine and kind. However, there were a couple of occasions when he made disrespectful comments toward me. He also seemed to downplay his criminal history which made me uncomfortable enough to trust my gut and do a background check. What I discovered was deeply concerning. I found multiple criminal records involving assault, including a charge for assault and battery against a family or household member. He hadn't disclosed everything I found and I was left wondering what else I didn't know. I understand that an arrest or charge doesn't automatically mean someone is guilty and I did find a case that was dismissed. Still, the overall picture raised serious concerns for me. When I confronted him about things, we ended up arguing. After I ended things, he called me a demon and said I deserved to burn in hell. He sent text after text insulting me and telling me how much he hated me. I also discovered that he had taken his personal drama to public social media.

Needless to say, I decided to walk away and he is now blocked. I understand that people can change but I also believe that I'm allowed to protect my peace and take concerning behavior seriously. I know he is on probation for three years in my state which makes me hope that he respects my decision and stays away. Part of why I'm posting is that I've been in a relationship with a narcissistic person in the past. One of my biggest weaknesses is seeing the best in people, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and sometimes giving far too many chances when I should walk away. I think I know deep down that ending this was the right decision, but I could really use some reassurance from people who understand these situations.

How do you learn to trust your gut without second-guessing yourself or feeling guilty for walking away?

What was your breaking point? What made you say “enough is enough” and gave you the strength to leave? Today he took my food away; he said he was done eating and cleared everything off the table. When I asked for an explanation, he told me to thank him for keeping me in line. Just to be clear, I’m 5.9 feet tall and weigh 140 pounds

(My ex, my current partner, and myself are all women in our early 20s)

My relationship with my (physically, sexually, emotionally, etc etc abusive) ex officially ended just over two years ago, and I was able to go fully no contact a year and a half ago. My new partner and I have been dating for a couple of months, and her and I were close friends before getting together. Obviously dating again after significant abuse is hard, but my current partner is very understanding and is helping me process.

One thing I am struggling with and don’t know how to address, though, is that I am struggling to fall asleep next to my current partner. By the end of the relationship with my ex, I was barely sleeping due to the stress and fear. Now that I’m with my new partner, even though I know that I’m safe, I find that I’m back to my old sleeping patterns. It takes me hours and hours to fall asleep, and when I finally do, I’m waking up many times in the night. It’s starting to impact my daily life- I’m exhausted at work (dangerous considering my job), taking naps during the day, and going to sleep extremely early every night she’s not here.

I know the best thing for me to do would be therapy, but that is not financially possible at the moment. Even if it was, my work schedule makes it nearly impossible to schedule regular appointments. Does anyone have any suggestions of other things to try? Workbooks, things to read, tricks that helped you?

Thank you in advance!

I’m not sure how it got this far. At times I come back to myself (which is where I am now) I’m starting to not trust myself with how male centered I can be at times with my husband which reminds me of a cult leader and I’ve been a follower for so long that my life completely unraveled I live in poverty , don’t know what I like anymore. I’ve gone so long without resources that everything I thought I’ve needed he’s proved I don’t need including like things like underwear personal care anything girly (I raise 3 boys) so anything that would be something a women would like / need would be looked at like it’s not needed or necessary. I never get sitters I’m with my kids 24/7. I have no vehicle and live 35 minutes from the nearest town. My husband (we will call him J ) cause I hate saying my husband lmao. Another thing I’m like only referred to as his wife. He has a close knit, family strongly, republican strongly, Christian all about having children and the women minimizing themselves taking care of everyone else and being quiet although J is similar but not the same as his family they have differences as Jay does not believe in religion, etc., like me and his family blames me for that says I am keeping the children and him from church. Therefore, they demonize me and enable his behavior further to financially abuse me mentally abuse me coercive control, even when I do go to town if I am to take him to work and use a car I am tracked and harassed on the phone and treated like I’m doing things. I am not. I have never had access to bank account info he will Apple Pay me in the line at the grocery store. I have never had a key to my own home so he can threaten to kick me out when he likes to. Two years ago when I had a moment coming back to myself and reading the red flags and understanding that this is not a normal way of living I moved out. I was confident about moving out. I moved in with a friend who had children of her own and was recently left her husband as well so we were kind of helping each other three days after I moved out he had a coworker woman in our home, making cookies with my children eating dinner having fun mind you the only way he left me alone and gave me a break and let me see my kids every day when I moved out was if I let him take them at 6 o’clock at night when he got off of work and they slept at home in their own beds and then he dropped them off at 6 AM to meet in the morning that lasted 32 days until he got me arrested and by him getting me arrested I mean he did not drop my kids off one morning at 6 AM and had that same coworker girl texting me saying she didn’t need permission to be around my kids and I’ll never find out where my kids are and to come fight her sending me her address, etc. so I came to his work and I confronted him, asking him where my children were and just his nonchalant cause he doesn’t yell he just kind of smirks. He goes really quiet and like quietly makes his moves. I don’t know. I am a little bit more reactive. Now I wasn’t until that moment that was five years into the relationship. I had never freaked out yelled really done anything until my children were used as upon to get me to react which then I found out later it was all to set me up for them to get custody, but when I was arrested for that domestic violence charge, he had put a restraining order on me with my children on it and texted me and said I will drop them off to you right now. I don’t wanna take their mother just come home to me and we can all be normal so I did so I just came home. I just moved back home and I let it all go. He said he would pay the domestic violence charge two years ago which I found out six months ago he never paid so I’ve had a warrant this whole time and I still do to this day. I feel like I sabotage myself falling back in because I also found out he never went and got that restraining order dropped. It is still active to the state, even though I’ve been with my children every single day. I truly thought that he was in love with me and that we were gonna work things out and that’s where I don’t trust myself is that I keep falling into this thinking and I don’t wanna fall into it anymore. I wanna plan I wanna coordinate I wanna leave and I don’t want my children to be used as pawns ever Again. But he convinces me that I need help that I’m crazy and just need to focused on being a mom and wife ?? Sometimes when he’s the only adult whose face I’ve seen in a month I truly fall for it. I need to leave before I lose me again. Help what do I do ???????

I’m curious what the worst, most toxic, or emotionally draining traits you’ve experienced.

I am 32(f) and here are some of mine:

•Constant provocation over the smallest things: Deliberately pushing buttons and provoking reactions, then acting completely innocent.

•Stonewalling and silent treatment: Ignoring me for days, withholding communication, acting like I didn’t exist.

•Lack of initiative: Never taking initiative for fixing problems or improving the relationship.

•Empty promises: Constantly promising to change, but never actually following through.

•Screaming and name-calling: Yelling, insulting and using degrading language during arguments.

•Vindictiveness: Always needing to get revenge and take things one step further.

•Resenting my happiness: Getting irritated or angry whenever I am focusing on my own needs and interests.

•Controlling behavior: Trying to control everything, including when I was “allowed” to do certain things. Saying things like, “You can do that when I feel like letting you.”

•Controlling my appearance: Telling me what clothes I was and wasn’t allowed to wear.

•Interfering with my career: Trying to control my job: wanting to be part of business trips to control me.

•Invalidating my feelings: him denying my emotions, and acting like he knew my own feelings better than I did.

•Playing the victim: Somehow turning every situation around until he was the victim, even when he was the one who hurt me.

•Threats and ultimatums: Threatening to replace me with another woman or cheat on me to get his way.

•Devaluation: calling me a disgusting, worthless woman, insulting my character, and questioning what I had ever done for him.

•Jealousy of my success: Instead of being proud of my achievements, especially at work, my success seemed to trigger anger and resentment

•Picking fights over normal social interactions: Getting angry when I was friendly or talkative with people in public, even waiters. He would call that behavior “masculine” and start arguments over it.

•Rigid gender roles: Constantly defining himself as a “real man” and imposing strict rules about how a woman should behave, speak, dress, and interact with others.

•Treating strangers badly: Being rude, disrespectful, or condescending toward waiters, Uber drivers, and other service workers.

•Constant negativity and miserable moods: Almost always being angry, irritated, or in a bad mood. It felt like his negativity filled the entire room.

I’m curious whether others experienced that constant feeling of having the life and energy sucked out of them.

Finally, I got rid of my boyfriend who abused me hard. He literally brainwashed me. I am still trying to heal. This is what I was exposed to:

1. He defends women must clean and cook but men doesn't have to.
2. He likes white women, (he is white) I have tanned skin. He asked me to change my skin color by using whitening creams. I told him: no, you knew I have tanned skin from the benginning and you was the one who wanted to be my boyfriend.
3. When I told him I cannot change my skin color, he told me people should do everything for a relationship.
4. One time, when he was coughing, I was worried and asked him if he is ok because it was like he was suffocating. He yelled at me after he cough. I told him I was worried and I care about him. He said curse words for me.
5. I got rings for us, not a wedding ring, it was just the symbol of our relationship, but he did not wear the ring and gave it back to me. At that evening, he cheated on me with a girl who also has tanned skin. I saw he texted her to meet on instagram and gave her his number.
6. He was disgusted by my non-makeup look. I always wore makeup when I am with him. One time I did not wear makeup and he got mad at me, he said I look like a dirty construction worker.
7. When he cheated on me, he gaslighted me. He told me he did not talk flirty with them, they were juat friends. At first I believed in him. However, it repeated and I texted the girl he talked. She sent me messages that he asked her to be his lover and flirty talks. He told me those talks are all fake.
8. He is too fat but he wants a thin woman. My height is 5'8 and my weight is 154 pounds but he called me fat even though he was 310 pounds.
9. He wants a virgin woman to get married but he was not a virgin + he was very sexually active + he was divorced
10. He doesn't like hairy woman. When we met, there was two or three hair on my hand and he said he was disgusted.
11. When I said I needed to sleep, he did not let me go and forced me to talk with him.
12. He told me he was an engineer but actually he was just a high school graduate.
13. He always expected compliments. When I compliment less in a day, he used to tell me I am not romantic.
14. He was addicted to computer games. He had no social life.
15. He believed in a nonsense idea of hierarcy, he told me he is unique and superior than most of the people, including me. (btw he is just a high school graduate while I have bachelors degree, I know two foreign languages, I know sign language, I am an artist, I am a teacher, I can cook well, I am loyal, I am clean, I write poems, I have many certificates etc.
16. He told no woman can be superior than him. He said women is not intelligent as men.
17. He told me if a woman is not beautiful, she is not worth to love.
18. He hates fat women and always made fun of them. I told him being fat may not be people's fault and being fat is not a bad thing, he hated my thoughts.
19. When he doesn't like my ideas, he told me I am nothing but dumb.
20. When he made me cry, he told me I am too emotional and idiot.
21. He was racist to me. He cursed my race wven though I am mixed.
22. He told me I am naive and people would trick me, he told me he would never do that to me.
23. When I tried to break up, he got obsessed with me in a toxic way and threatened me. He told me "I'd kill you" or "I will send your +18 photos to your relatives". (he even bought a fake number so that he can send my private medias to my parents and my relatives) He has many guns and I was so scared that I had to stay with him and pretended to love him for a long time.
24. At the end of the story, I escaped and my parents protected me (hopefully)

Now I am safe and free but I still try to heal and gain my self-confidence again. I have a lot of trauma. Now he has a new girlfriend but he still tries to contact with me. I never talked him again. Blocked him and changed my number.

I’m sorry that it took me this long to see how bad things have gotten. I’m sorry that it took me this long to start packing my things and leaving. I wish that people knew how hard it is to not only be in an abusive relationship, but to release yourself from one. The fear that comes with it. The fear of retaliation. If he hurts me now, what is he willing to do later on? If he threatens me now and is psychologically abusive, how far is he willing to go to make my life hell once he catches on to the fact that I’m leaving? So many people want to judge someone like me, but if they haven’t been stuck in a spiderweb like this, they can’t really begin to tell me what I should or shouldn’t have done. I wish they would have listened and not casted such harsh judgement onto me. My own family won’t talk to me. All because I admitted that he was abusing me. It was a call for help. I didn’t know where to begin or how to free myself. I just wanted someone to hear me. But I guess this is something that will help me gain my strength back. Something that I will have to figure out on my own. I know that fire in me is still there. It’s just not as bright because it was dimmed from the fear. I realized that I can’t let fear stop me from living. I deserve to have that fire burn bright in me. I don’t need to hide it because I lived with a monster who couldn’t recognize or tolerate the light. I will emerge from this darkness. And when I do, I will prove every single person wrong that doubted me or abandoned me in this time of weakness. Yesterday I packed my things. I started the process of physically releasing myself from his grasp. I’ve been preparing mentally for a while. But the physical part feels so scary. Last night he grabbed me. He also reminded me that he could end me emotionally, physically, and mentally. I’m sorry that I was blind for so long. And I’m mostly sorry to myself. I should have had more self worth and never let a monster take that away. Today is the first day of my new life. And the rest of my life. I’m taking back my power. I will find my peace again. To anyone who is going through something similar, just know i am here rooting for you. I’ll be your cheerleader. Don’t let anyone take away your light. Go find it. And go find all of the reasons why life is worth living.

With love,

The new me✨💕

I (29F) have been married to my husband (29M) for 5 years, we are still married. We used to be dual military, but I am the only one still in the military. I actually enjoy the distance every now and then because I have "me" time. I have been smothered in the past by men who need constant reassurance and ego building and I can only build up my partner so much, there's got to be a point where they do it themselves. So, my husband was a breath of fresh air. Allow me to start with the good, before I get into the bad. Please note I firmly believe in giving credit where it is due and trying to objectively look at the good where I can.

The good, the WHY I fell in love with him:

1. He met my personal physical/look requirements (I know looks aren't everything).

2. He's a man of faith.

3. He had ambitions and is someone who would not deter from achieving his goals. He always seemed to have a plan of what's next.

4. He speaks his mind and doesn't sugar coat anything.

5. We shared common hobbies and interests such as gaming, climbing, camping, fitness... etc.

6. He wasn't judgmental of my free spirit past... if you catch my drift.

7. He wants a big family, a love and strong marriage like our grandparents who have celebrated 50+ years of marriage.

Note: I was okay with doing the rushed military wedding because I was joining the military and spouses are more likely to be stationed close together. We kept it secret, it was fair which I agreed, but before we got married, we also agreed that later he would still ask for my father's hand in marriage, propose and do all they typical lead-up to the wedding when we had the money saved which we planned for 3 years... he never saved a dime. He claimed he was too poor after bills to contribute even when I told him it would mean the world to me if he contributed $5.00.... While I contributed anywhere from $50 to $200 each check. He said it wasn't worth is and that he would do the saving himself. Surprise we are 5 years in and the savings we have are only my contributions.... I never brought up that imbalance instead I tell him that I would like for him to contribute to our wedding and he joking complains, "why we're already married, what is your dad going to say? No? we're already married. Why don't we just do a backyard trailer wedding. Or we just don't do one." I tell him that hurts me because my family was hurt after our elopement.

The Bad, the rose-tinted glasses are no longer rose-tinted:

He's an alcoholic, I overlooked his alcohol consumption because he was functioning and to me it's hypocritical to ask someone to be sober when I still consume alcohol. The frequency and amount are vastly different, our mindset about drinking is extremely different. I'm a go out to a nice dinner and have 1-2 cocktails once or twice a month if that. I have months of sobriety as well. He is a grab a case or handle of whatever and have a drink every night, but the drink is actually 4-5 shots of liquor per drink.

• A majority of our arguments were when he was drunk (90%), or at a minimum tipsy. They are always circular conversations and never ending (not physical). In arguments he clenches his fists, glares/scowls at you while heavy breathing, he's stormed out of the house, he's punched his limbs, he grits his teeth (all behaviors I have told him are aggressive in nature) and he's impossible to speak and reason with. He squats down and talks to me like how you see moms squat down to talk to a child. You can't walk away because then he goes on rants about how you are being disrespectful and he will never let anyone disrespect him because he's not some spineless man (He's called me weak and spineless for walking away in an attempt to deescalate an argument). He dumbs me down to an "emotional woman" and I can't understand and will never understand him because I'm a woman.
• Improvement: He has been going to therapy and has improved in his communication and has acknowledged that he drinks to forget his own struggles and drinks to comfort the pain he is in because the military did a number on him physically. He drinks less now, but after 5 years it has gotten to the point where even if he takes a sip, talks about a drink, or orders a drink at a restaurant I am disgusted with him. I find it revolting. He also has said he will never give up drinking because he likes it too much.

He has a lot of anger and suppressed hatred.

• He loves to claim he is bigger, stronger and better than any man out there with a 6th grade education. He doesn't like going out in public because people start problems and the world is evil and full of people who don't know how to watch their mouths because they don't know why they are talking to. Plus, people always love starting fights with him. He loves the idea of conquering man, a warrior's mindset. He is so judgmental and laughs at other people's expense. He'll call my friends fat or mock my family, and I told him to stop or lay off, and he thinks it's okay because he speaks the "harsh" truth about his friends and family.
• Commentary: He is going to therapy, but this is an area with slow improvement from what I've seen. I have basically spent 5 years of my marriage alone. We only go out for an anniversary dinner or when his parents visit once a year for about a week, but even then, we only go out in public 2-3 times during their week and a half visit. Since I go out so often by myself (these are activities like grocery shopping all the way to something like dancing) he often says that I have freedom to do whatever I want when I want, I run around and do anything with no restrictions so he doesn't understand why I'm unhappy. I've communicated multiple times that I want companionship, and he says things like you don't need two people to do things, and we can spend time together inside on the couch because he doesn't want to deal with reckless people in public places.

He lost his direction when he got out of the military (3 years ago). I told him he had a year to relax, take care of himself, go to the VA and figure out what is next that will inspire him because he was a military career mindset and when that got taken away, I knew the transition would be hard. During those 3 years, he failed 3 semesters of college and hid that from me, he would also get mad when I would encourage his education saying, to stay out of his life. He ended up dropping out twice, talked about a trade school, didn't register, had a part-time job for 1 month, quit because he made more going to college with the GI Bill. Ended up with debt because he failed to uphold his end for the GI Bill. He ended up in a not so happy mental state in a deep deep deep deep pit of the mind. I know I can't change people, but he wasn't the ambitious man I married so I told him about community events, martial art classes I would pay for, I would cook his favorite meals, bring him silly balloons and leave uplifting notes and ask him to do easy things so he knew he was needed. Plan indoor date nights, bring him back the church flyer so it was like he "attended" with me. switched to virtual church so I knew he heard the message. Honestly, I did anything I could think of. I know love isn't perfectly returned, and I know I can't expect someone to love me how I need to be loved when they are down, but how much more can I take? I feel so isolated and out of synch with him. I'm over it. I feel guilty for thinking about divorce during this low point... even now I still think about splitting from him.

I make enough to support us and he has his disability. He said he was okay with being a house husband, but we live in filth. The house gets deep cleaned on weekends when I am home. I ask for help and I'm told all I do is complain. I explain how it really helps me if _____ is done and it's forgotten about. He always says I'm mean and angry, stomping around looking for stuff to complain about with some mean face (I have RBF). He does it jokingly, its brought up in arguments. I tell him he is probably creating this image about me that is negative because he only every jokes/comments about how angry I am. When I say the ratio of his jabbing jokes far exceed compliments from him he says he doesn't see the point to compliment when he gets criticized for complimenting me. I try explaining that it is all in the timing. I comment on his jab/compliment ratio and then immediately following I get flooded with random compliments for the next day. I make a comment about how that doesn't feel genuine (some of the compliments are in a goofy accent) and he gets annoyed. I thank him for his effort and try to explain why I am not being receptive to his effort and then its, "Well that's just how I am, I can just not talk to you, you knew what you were getting when you met me. You know I'm not an emotional person; I make jokes at everyone and everything. What I have to walk on eggshells when I talk to you?" Needless to say, it's exhausting.

I got a therapist because he was working on himself with therapy and I didn't think it was fair if I didn't look at myself, plus I keep thinking to myself, "maybe I'm not communicating clearly, maybe I'm bringing all of my anger and stress from work home, maybe I'm not patient, maybe I'm not being empathetic, maybe I've preemptively closed my heart from past baggage and I'm not working on the marriage, maybe I speak in a bad tone and hold grudges, maybe I dig up the past." and I've put in work because I feel crazy in this marriage. Of all the sacrifices I made to be with him, and I can't get a partner willing to do the bare bones basics in return? My therapist told me that it sounds like I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship and I'm in denial. It doesn't feel true to me.

I guess all of this to say is this enough? Is Emotional abuse or whatever rut my marriage is in worth walking away? Is this just normal lows? I know it is my decision to make in the end, but my faith is giving me mixed messages. It says to stay married because we have remained faithful but on the other hand there is countless scriptures that point out how you shouldn't associate with people who do evil. (Evil meaning non-Godly things) Which to me is someone who drinks until they pass out multiple times a month, can't control their drinking or quit, who speaks in vulgarities (he has a sailor's mouth) People who are unkind, impatient, and unloving. If we go down to the vows, yes there is sickness and in health but you are also to cherish and hold your spouse which we maybe sleep in the same bed on average 7 days out of the year (Note: The military pulls me away from the home about 2 months total in a laid-back year).

Anyways I just wanted to vent and spill my woes. I feel like I'm coexisting and forcing myself to enjoy our time together in hopes my heart will soften again, but I'm exhausted and disinterested. TBH this is probably not the right r/ I just posted here because I was told this is an emotionally abusive relationship.

My ex M23 and me F20 have been separated for a few months now. I have been heartbroken and trying to navigate all of this at such a young age. Long story short- he wants to try again. I’m extremely hesitant, as I think he has anger issues. During arguments in the past he has poured freezing cold water on me, told me “he would only comfort me if it’s something worth being sad over”, and it seems like he just turns into a completely different person when he’s mad. As soon as we stop arguing he acts completely different and it’s almost like it never happened

Please be kind in the comments. I don’t have parents to ask this to, so please be kind.

I left my very abusive ex about a month ago. I haven’t really spoken about the relationship to anyone since then. It’s so hard to explain and I’m so embarrassed of how he treated me.

Last night, an old friend reached out. This was a friend of my ex’s. They had known each other since childhood but reconnected while we were together. The three of us all became close, and he was the only one of my ex’s friends that I ever considered to be truly my friend as well. My ex was very controlling about who I spoke to, and this was one of the only other people I was allowed to interact with while we were together.

My ex and the friend had a falling out around a year ago because of how much of a monster he (my ex) had become. They haven’t spoken since.

I was surprised he reached out. He was very surprised and happy to hear we had separated. He told me that he didn’t think I would ever find a way out. He witnessed some of the abuse while we were together (although not nearly all of it) so he already knew what the relationship could be like. He was the only one who ever saw it firsthand. It was part of why they stopped speaking.

He came over and we talked for hours. It was so, so relieving to speak to someone about the relationship, especially someone who already knew my ex and knew how bad the relationship was. I didn’t have to explain or justify anything, he saw it all himself and already understood. He gave me some good insights and helped me work through a lot of thoughts. We chatted about other stuff too and he caught me up on everything that had happened in his life since we last saw each other a year ago.

At the end of the evening, I was like, “Hey, I know you would never do this, but you would never tell [ex] that you came to see me or share anything we spoke about, right?” I was expecting him to be like “Yes omg of course never.” Instead he looked me in the eyes and said “Well what would you be willing to do to make sure that doesn’t happen?”

I was like “Uhh what do you mean? Do you want something specific?” I was being a little slow but it was so out of character and caught me so off guard. He said “I want you.” I asked for clarification and he said “I want to be with you.” I asked for clarification a couple more times because I couldn’t believe it. But yeah he was asking me to have sex with him in exchange for not selling me out to my ex.

I said um no and please leave now, which he did. On the way out, he immediately started apologizing and was like “Please don’t tell anyone I did this, I really did come here to check on you and catch up, that was just impulsive, I’m sorry.” It was nice of him to check up on me and we had a really great conversation and I’m glad he apologized. But it jarred me so badly because he framed it like blackmail. If he had just come onto me I could have forgiven it but he literally framed it like if I didn’t give him what he wanted he would sell me out to my abuser. I don’t think I’ll be seeing him again.

I was in a relationship with a man who was cheating on me for the majority of the relationship, and when I found out about it and connected with his other partner, he started blowing up at me attacking me, threatening my career, threatening to send my nudes to people on my contact list. I’m terrified and I don’t know what to do.

Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/1wqli6z/found_out_my_45f_ex_husband_44m_has_convinced/

I hope this is the correct way to post an update. I couldn't find anything about that in the rules. I wanted to update after my therapy appointment happened. I actually sent my therapist the post, and she read it herself. She said she was very grateful I got such helpful responses to my post, and was glad those who shared their stories and commented helped me so much.

I am grateful as well. I don't know if I would have been in as good a place mentally by the time my appointment rolled around if I hadn't made the post, and gotten so many wonderful comments and messages. My therapist and I are going to focus on this abusive relationship in my upcoming appointments. Until the friend reached out I don't think I even realized just how traumatized I had been by what my ex husband (lets call him T) did to me.

My therapy sessions were mostly about the abuse I endured as a child, and teenager. We hadn't really started on my adult abuse experiences. So now we are going to focus on those more. Thank you all for helping me feel validated, and seen. It means the world to me. Keep doing what you're doing.

As for the friend who started me on this experience well I cut ties with her. We hadn't talked to many years so it was an easy choice. I don't wish her any ill will, and told her as much. I made sure to let her know that I understood why she thought I needed to know the information she shared with me, and that while I didn't hate her for it I couldn't trust that she would respect my wishes in the future since she couldn't respect them this time.

After I confirmed she had seen the message I blocked her. I hope she is doing well, and not being too hard on herself. She really didn't mean anything bad from it. Thank you all again. I hope you are all doing well.

I found out my ex is in a new relationship with a girl he used to work with about 2 weeks ago. We dated for 4 years and he broke up with me abruptly over text about 5 months ago, we haven’t spoken since I dropped off all his things and blocked him on all platforms. Of course, I have kept him blocked, so I am only finding out about the relationship now…they have been dating for about 4 months (meaning yes, he was seeing her a few weeks after we ended).

He is one of the scariest people I have met, he is extremely controlling and manipulative. His ex warned me about him 3 years ago and I didn’t listen when I wish I had. Genuinely, he nearly destroyed me. I was constantly anxious, I was isolated from my friends, my self worth had never been lower and I’m still trying to undo all the damage I have taken over the years.

I feel a need to warn her woman to woman, but I want absolutely nothing to do with him. And my fear is that he will find a way to contact me. I’m in two minds over this, part of me wants to keep my peace, stay FAR away from anything to do with him and mind my business, but the other part of me is screaming to help her- I wish someone had done that for me.

Thoughts?