officially calling it quits even though I have been mentally checked out for a while!
28 (F) 38 (M)

Context :

I met this wonderful handsome, generous, kind man in early spring 2025. We started getting to know each other, had a couple of low profile dates. After a couple of weeks we finally had sex and I started staying over at his house..

I would be over there everyday (even if I wanted to be alone in my own apartment) he would always call me and say “I’ll be there in 20 minutes” and I felt like I couldn’t say no.. this happened for a while, close to 2-3 months of going back n forth, picking up clothes, never staying the night at my own apartment, coming to feed the cat etc before I finally asked him “why don’t I just move in?”

1. I’m neglecting my cat
   
2. Im never home but paying for rent
   
3. The relationship seemed to be heading in a positive happy way

It started very slowly.. the control, the abuse, the complete annihilation of my autonomy & self.

He made me get rid of my cat.. He wouldn’t let me leave the house by myself. He never offered to help me with packing my apartment so the DAY before I had to hand over my keys, I had to clean and have everything out.. I ended up hiring junk removal to take ALL my stuff. & he had no regard for my personal belongings, I couldn’t take anything simply he didn’t want it in his apartment.

Just like that, with no ability to turn back without being homeless, I was in his apartment..

Couple weeks go by, the control is ramping up. I’ve always taken transit to get to work but now I couldn’t. He HAD to drop me off. Anyways, I ended up losing my job over tardiness. He would insist on taking a 40 min shower when I had to leave.

I ended up finding another part time but didn’t last very long for the exact same reason.

At this point, he is going through my phone, making me block and delete everyone I know. Calling me a whore, using the stories/experiences I had told him in confidence against me. I deleted my social accounts, changed my number, stopped hanging out with my friends, I wasn’t allowed to do anything or go anywhere without him.

I was stuck.

He’s starting to get emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. I’d be sobbing every night from how little he would make me feel, how silenced I felt, how stupid I felt, how trapped and utterly confused I was.. I couldn’t believe that just a few short months earlier, I had my own apartment, my own furniture, my own income….

2 more months go by and SURPRISE! I’m pregnant!

The physical and emotional abuse only got worse.. he would grab me by the throat and choke me, slam me against the walls, push me and knock me down, slap me, scream at me, intimidate me, threaten me..

I tried to leave several times, every time he convinced me to stay. He’s gonna change, things will be different. They never were.

As the pregnancy progressed, the abuse didn’t stop. He would still choke me, slap me, scream at me, intimate me..

There were a few moments where we got closer as I started to get a big ol’ belly and my hormones were making me want to be loved and to love..

But it didn’t last, the day I went into labor he was more concerned about missing work than tending to me.. I had an emergency C-section that I’m convinced would not have happened if :

1. He had tended to me and helped me through, helped me to clean myself and prepare for labor
   
2. If my mom had been ‘allowed’ to be there

Fast forward….

Our baby is almost 1. I’ve been very patient. Counting the months until he turns 1.
The abusive has lessened slightly but a couple of times he has given me good bruises, made my lip bleed from slapping me so hard, choked me and shoved me around like a rag doll.

Twice I have fought back over self defense.

Our child has been outside maybe 3 times. He doesn’t have his vaccines (he doesn’t believe in them) I’m not allowed to go for a walk by myself. I’m not allowed outside, period (unless I’m supervised) he embarrasses me in public because I’m “walking too fast” “I’m not following his rule of always staying to the right” he tells me when to cross the street, as if im a child that is going to run out into traffic.

Honestly I’m just disgusted.. I don’t see him the same at all. We don’t even sleep in the same room.

My final straw is this…
We had sex last week, he came in me while I’m ovulating. I had to take plan B. I’m still postpartum. Now I have a UTI and I need antibiotics, I told him I was going to the pharmacy and he said no. If I leave the house just watch what happens to me.. my mom came to drop off the meds for me.

After everything, after every slap, all those times he put his hands on my neck and bruised me/bled. Denying me access to the pharmacy was my wake up call to get out.

So that is what I’m doing. I’m going to go to a home for abused woman and restart my life. I’m going to get custody of my baby, get my license, get an education and have my freedom back. My autonomy. My rights as a human being.

Please learn from my mistakes..

Wish me luck.

I left him three years ago after he strangled me.

my brain has never felt the same. I struggle to remember and to tell my body how to do certain activities. I’ve been berated by teachers in college for not doing well. I struggle to remember words to communicate properly.

I just got a neurologist referral because I’m finally ready to accept I was strangled and that it was deeply dangerous and damaging.

i miss my old brain. I feel really dumb. it’s not fair that he gets to live free without consequences when I live with what he did everyday. I am so depressed.

Last Sunday, my husband got drunk and told me he was going for a bike ride. He was gone for a really long time, and it was dark, so I started to worry. When he finally got home, he admitted that he’d actually been at the bar. He asked if I was mad, and I said yes.

From there, he went from 0 to 100. He started telling me that I control him, that he wants to do whatever he wants, and that I need to shut the fuck up. He got louder and louder, and when I told him to stop yelling at me, he screamed at me at the top of his lungs. I don’t even remember exactly what he said. I was just so scared. He knows I grew up with an abusive father, and he uses that against me when he’s angry.

I started crying because I was scared, and he started mocking me, calling me a bitch, and telling me to shut the fuck up over and over again. I just shut down. I cried and cried because I was terrified and genuinely thought he was going to hurt me. He’s never physically hurt me before, but he’s an alcoholic with anger issues and is generally an asshole. He had just never been that aggressive toward me before.

After a while, he started feeling bad and began love-bombing me. It was late, and I wanted to go to sleep because I had work in the morning. Instead, he came into the bedroom and laid on top of me. I started crying again because I was afraid he was going to sexually assault me. Eventually, he stumbled back into the living room.

The next day, I contacted a domestic violence hotline because I genuinely wasn’t sure whether what I was experiencing counted as domestic violence. They confirmed that it did, and something inside me just broke. I called my mom and told her what had happened. She told me that he will escalate and she would never let me get beaten the way my dad beat her, and she came over to help me pack up some of my things and my pets.

I stayed at my mom’s for three days, and I felt so light and happy being around her and my siblings. But it was crowded, and I don’t feel comfortable around my mom’s boyfriend, so staying there isn’t an ideal long-term solution.

Since coming home, though, I cannot stand my husband. He’s doing this weird thing where he’s still an asshole but acts all sheepish whenever I say anything, almost like he’s the victim because I left. He pretends to be sad and apologetic, but he still says fucked-up things. It feels like he wants me to feel bad for him without actually taking responsibility for what happened.

I really just want to run away and disappear while he’s asleep, but I can’t figure out how to do that because my name is the only one on the lease, and he refuses to leave. I can’t afford the $5,000 fee to break the lease. He’s also told me he’ll kill himself if I leave him.

I just feel so stuck. I know what happened wasn’t okay, and I know I don’t want to keep living like this. I just don’t know how to get out.

(My ex, my current partner, and myself are all women in our early 20s)

My relationship with my (physically, sexually, emotionally, etc etc abusive) ex officially ended just over two years ago, and I was able to go fully no contact a year and a half ago. My new partner and I have been dating for a couple of months, and her and I were close friends before getting together. Obviously dating again after significant abuse is hard, but my current partner is very understanding and is helping me process.

One thing I am struggling with and don’t know how to address, though, is that I am struggling to fall asleep next to my current partner. By the end of the relationship with my ex, I was barely sleeping due to the stress and fear. Now that I’m with my new partner, even though I know that I’m safe, I find that I’m back to my old sleeping patterns. It takes me hours and hours to fall asleep, and when I finally do, I’m waking up many times in the night. It’s starting to impact my daily life- I’m exhausted at work (dangerous considering my job), taking naps during the day, and going to sleep extremely early every night she’s not here.

I know the best thing for me to do would be therapy, but that is not financially possible at the moment. Even if it was, my work schedule makes it nearly impossible to schedule regular appointments. Does anyone have any suggestions of other things to try? Workbooks, things to read, tricks that helped you?

Thank you in advance!

I hesitated to post this because I don't want to trigger anyone who has been through similar experiences. My heart genuinely goes out to those of you who have experienced abuse.

I 29F been dating 30M for a short time who initially seemed very genuine and kind. However, there were a couple of occasions when he made disrespectful comments toward me. He also seemed to downplay his criminal history which made me uncomfortable enough to trust my gut and do a background check. What I discovered was deeply concerning. I found multiple criminal records involving assault, including a charge for assault and battery against a family or household member. He hadn't disclosed everything I found and I was left wondering what else I didn't know. I understand that an arrest or charge doesn't automatically mean someone is guilty and I did find a case that was dismissed. Still, the overall picture raised serious concerns for me. When I confronted him about things, we ended up arguing. After I ended things, he called me a demon and said I deserved to burn in hell. He sent text after text insulting me and telling me how much he hated me. I also discovered that he had taken his personal drama to public social media.

Needless to say, I decided to walk away and he is now blocked. I understand that people can change but I also believe that I'm allowed to protect my peace and take concerning behavior seriously. I know he is on probation for three years in my state which makes me hope that he respects my decision and stays away. Part of why I'm posting is that I've been in a relationship with a narcissistic person in the past. One of my biggest weaknesses is seeing the best in people, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and sometimes giving far too many chances when I should walk away. I think I know deep down that ending this was the right decision, but I could really use some reassurance from people who understand these situations.

How do you learn to trust your gut without second-guessing yourself or feeling guilty for walking away?

Hello, i posted this orignally in the advice subsreddit, but believe people in this sub would understand my situation better, and manage to offer a number of different opinions in how to follow.

I'm very lost, and i don't have anyone to rely on right now, and i need advice very desperately. I want to keep my identity vague, and will simply add that i am an adult. I am sorry if my explanation doesn't make a lot of sense. i've been very stressed lately, and it's making my attempts at talking and typing somewhat incoherrent.
I have been exchanging emails with my university's therapist. Originally, i was hoping to schedule an appointement with her, and get advice from her. During our exchange, i briefed her on my situation, which i won't deny is one of abuse, primairly emotional and psychological, which she concurred on, but it has been physical in the past, when i was a child. I presented to her a timeline, and mentioned during our email exchange that (which i believe to be true, and with reason) old abusive behaviors that my family used against me may be used again.
Right now, the most pertinent issues for me are my lack of autonomy (i stress again that i am an adult. i am of legal drinking age in the US. i do not wish to state the exact number of my age for privacy reasons, but that should give you an idea of what level of autonomy the type of adult i am typically should have), i am not allowed to leave the house if the location i want to travel to doesn't please my parents. i am typically chaperoned when i do. the only times i am not chaperoned is when it is related to university.
my privacy is constantly threatened. i am also threatened with physical violence, but this only during arguments. The reason for this is because my parents view me to be a child, mentally speaking, something they've stated verbally. I am not mentally delayed, i am not disabled in any way. there is no justification for this belief.
The university's therapist obviously incited me to call the national (i live in an european country) emergency number for DA victims, but it feels like a betrayal to the moducum of peace i have at home. i'm scared the situation will worse. all i really want is to find a middle ground with my family. i don't know what to do. That's why i'm seeking advice here, which is really pathetic, but i have no one else to seek advice from. My parents aren't bad people, and i don't wish them any ills or harm, but they're nuking any chance of my social and academic life from becoming anything worth actually living with their restrictions, and my mental health, and, subsequently, my physical health, with it. talking with them doesn't help, and typically makes the situation worse. but, i really don't think my situation is severe enough to warrant calling the hotline, either.

I will add, that i have a sibling, who partly raised me when i was a teen. my parents threw me at them, while they were immigrated in a different (also european) country. To this day, this sibling has authorative power over me. They also have a job within the legal system that might make this situation more complicated.

I do want to call the DA, ultimately. I guess i'm more afraid of what consequences may lie in the future if i do. I know this people might tell me that the professionals i will enter in contact with are especially trained to deal with cases where X denies what Y says, and whatnot. But that's in theory, and in practice, well, things are more complicated. I just don't want my situation to become worse, i guess.

I told the guy who was abusive to me and coercive from the ages of 15-17 to me when he was 20-22 sister about what he did and she messaged back saying

“i have seen all your messages. I am very sorry for what he did to you. But idk what you want me to do. As you said he is pathetic and a loser so the best thing for you to do is to heal away from this and move on. i wish you a great life.

i am not sure if i am just been emotional or if it is dismissive and there’s nothing that can be done

TW!!!!!

Looking for advice or similar experiences!

I’ve been in an on and off abusive relationship for nearly 7 years now and have a newborn son. I have gotten away from him many times but got sucked back in just recently before giving birth to his son. I’m 20 and still live with my Mum and younger sister. We moved house to an address that he wasn’t aware of but I stupidly gave it to him thinking he had changed. For context he is heavily reliant on multiple substances not including alcohol. Now that we have a son he threatens to take me to court if I leave him, break into my families house, unalive my mother, harm my sister, hurt my son and myself. Threatens to unalive any other man that comes into contact with me. He knows where multiple of my family members live and I can’t afford to move house let alone make my 70 year old grandmother move out of her lifelong home that she once shared with her late husband. He doesn’t live with me but he is only a 20 minute drive across town and has multiple warrants out for his arrest. If he found out that I called the police on him he would seriously harm either me or my family or at the very least smash our vehicles up which we also cannot afford to replace.
My mother isn’t even aware that he has our address and if she found out she would genuinely kick me and my son out.

I’m so so lost, I have no idea what to do and I’m just so over it. Does anyone have any ideas/advice?

I was in an abusive relationship before I met my husband. I left and I thought I knew better.

My husband became violent a few years into marriage. He was controlling before but I didn’t realize it. He was abusive in a more calculated way and slowly conditioned me to it.

Now I don’t know if I can trust another relationship. Can someone relate? 🫣

I (29F) have been married to my husband (29M) for 5 years, we are still married. We used to be dual military, but I am the only one still in the military. I actually enjoy the distance every now and then because I have "me" time. I have been smothered in the past by men who need constant reassurance and ego building and I can only build up my partner so much, there's got to be a point where they do it themselves. So, my husband was a breath of fresh air. Allow me to start with the good, before I get into the bad. Please note I firmly believe in giving credit where it is due and trying to objectively look at the good where I can.

The good, the WHY I fell in love with him:

1. He met my personal physical/look requirements (I know looks aren't everything).

2. He's a man of faith.

3. He had ambitions and is someone who would not deter from achieving his goals. He always seemed to have a plan of what's next.

4. He speaks his mind and doesn't sugar coat anything.

5. We shared common hobbies and interests such as gaming, climbing, camping, fitness... etc.

6. He wasn't judgmental of my free spirit past... if you catch my drift.

7. He wants a big family, a love and strong marriage like our grandparents who have celebrated 50+ years of marriage.

Note: I was okay with doing the rushed military wedding because I was joining the military and spouses are more likely to be stationed close together. We kept it secret, it was fair which I agreed, but before we got married, we also agreed that later he would still ask for my father's hand in marriage, propose and do all they typical lead-up to the wedding when we had the money saved which we planned for 3 years... he never saved a dime. He claimed he was too poor after bills to contribute even when I told him it would mean the world to me if he contributed $5.00.... While I contributed anywhere from $50 to $200 each check. He said it wasn't worth is and that he would do the saving himself. Surprise we are 5 years in and the savings we have are only my contributions.... I never brought up that imbalance instead I tell him that I would like for him to contribute to our wedding and he joking complains, "why we're already married, what is your dad going to say? No? we're already married. Why don't we just do a backyard trailer wedding. Or we just don't do one." I tell him that hurts me because my family was hurt after our elopement.

The Bad, the rose-tinted glasses are no longer rose-tinted:

He's an alcoholic, I overlooked his alcohol consumption because he was functioning and to me it's hypocritical to ask someone to be sober when I still consume alcohol. The frequency and amount are vastly different, our mindset about drinking is extremely different. I'm a go out to a nice dinner and have 1-2 cocktails once or twice a month if that. I have months of sobriety as well. He is a grab a case or handle of whatever and have a drink every night, but the drink is actually 4-5 shots of liquor per drink.

• A majority of our arguments were when he was drunk (90%), or at a minimum tipsy. They are always circular conversations and never ending (not physical). In arguments he clenches his fists, glares/scowls at you while heavy breathing, he's stormed out of the house, he's punched his limbs, he grits his teeth (all behaviors I have told him are aggressive in nature) and he's impossible to speak and reason with. He squats down and talks to me like how you see moms squat down to talk to a child. You can't walk away because then he goes on rants about how you are being disrespectful and he will never let anyone disrespect him because he's not some spineless man (He's called me weak and spineless for walking away in an attempt to deescalate an argument). He dumbs me down to an "emotional woman" and I can't understand and will never understand him because I'm a woman.
• Improvement: He has been going to therapy and has improved in his communication and has acknowledged that he drinks to forget his own struggles and drinks to comfort the pain he is in because the military did a number on him physically. He drinks less now, but after 5 years it has gotten to the point where even if he takes a sip, talks about a drink, or orders a drink at a restaurant I am disgusted with him. I find it revolting. He also has said he will never give up drinking because he likes it too much.

He has a lot of anger and suppressed hatred.

• He loves to claim he is bigger, stronger and better than any man out there with a 6th grade education. He doesn't like going out in public because people start problems and the world is evil and full of people who don't know how to watch their mouths because they don't know why they are talking to. Plus, people always love starting fights with him. He loves the idea of conquering man, a warrior's mindset. He is so judgmental and laughs at other people's expense. He'll call my friends fat or mock my family, and I told him to stop or lay off, and he thinks it's okay because he speaks the "harsh" truth about his friends and family.
• Commentary: He is going to therapy, but this is an area with slow improvement from what I've seen. I have basically spent 5 years of my marriage alone. We only go out for an anniversary dinner or when his parents visit once a year for about a week, but even then, we only go out in public 2-3 times during their week and a half visit. Since I go out so often by myself (these are activities like grocery shopping all the way to something like dancing) he often says that I have freedom to do whatever I want when I want, I run around and do anything with no restrictions so he doesn't understand why I'm unhappy. I've communicated multiple times that I want companionship, and he says things like you don't need two people to do things, and we can spend time together inside on the couch because he doesn't want to deal with reckless people in public places.

He lost his direction when he got out of the military (3 years ago). I told him he had a year to relax, take care of himself, go to the VA and figure out what is next that will inspire him because he was a military career mindset and when that got taken away, I knew the transition would be hard. During those 3 years, he failed 3 semesters of college and hid that from me, he would also get mad when I would encourage his education saying, to stay out of his life. He ended up dropping out twice, talked about a trade school, didn't register, had a part-time job for 1 month, quit because he made more going to college with the GI Bill. Ended up with debt because he failed to uphold his end for the GI Bill. He ended up in a not so happy mental state in a deep deep deep deep pit of the mind. I know I can't change people, but he wasn't the ambitious man I married so I told him about community events, martial art classes I would pay for, I would cook his favorite meals, bring him silly balloons and leave uplifting notes and ask him to do easy things so he knew he was needed. Plan indoor date nights, bring him back the church flyer so it was like he "attended" with me. switched to virtual church so I knew he heard the message. Honestly, I did anything I could think of. I know love isn't perfectly returned, and I know I can't expect someone to love me how I need to be loved when they are down, but how much more can I take? I feel so isolated and out of synch with him. I'm over it. I feel guilty for thinking about divorce during this low point... even now I still think about splitting from him.

I make enough to support us and he has his disability. He said he was okay with being a house husband, but we live in filth. The house gets deep cleaned on weekends when I am home. I ask for help and I'm told all I do is complain. I explain how it really helps me if _____ is done and it's forgotten about. He always says I'm mean and angry, stomping around looking for stuff to complain about with some mean face (I have RBF). He does it jokingly, its brought up in arguments. I tell him he is probably creating this image about me that is negative because he only every jokes/comments about how angry I am. When I say the ratio of his jabbing jokes far exceed compliments from him he says he doesn't see the point to compliment when he gets criticized for complimenting me. I try explaining that it is all in the timing. I comment on his jab/compliment ratio and then immediately following I get flooded with random compliments for the next day. I make a comment about how that doesn't feel genuine (some of the compliments are in a goofy accent) and he gets annoyed. I thank him for his effort and try to explain why I am not being receptive to his effort and then its, "Well that's just how I am, I can just not talk to you, you knew what you were getting when you met me. You know I'm not an emotional person; I make jokes at everyone and everything. What I have to walk on eggshells when I talk to you?" Needless to say, it's exhausting.

I got a therapist because he was working on himself with therapy and I didn't think it was fair if I didn't look at myself, plus I keep thinking to myself, "maybe I'm not communicating clearly, maybe I'm bringing all of my anger and stress from work home, maybe I'm not patient, maybe I'm not being empathetic, maybe I've preemptively closed my heart from past baggage and I'm not working on the marriage, maybe I speak in a bad tone and hold grudges, maybe I dig up the past." and I've put in work because I feel crazy in this marriage. Of all the sacrifices I made to be with him, and I can't get a partner willing to do the bare bones basics in return? My therapist told me that it sounds like I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship and I'm in denial. It doesn't feel true to me.

I guess all of this to say is this enough? Is Emotional abuse or whatever rut my marriage is in worth walking away? Is this just normal lows? I know it is my decision to make in the end, but my faith is giving me mixed messages. It says to stay married because we have remained faithful but on the other hand there is countless scriptures that point out how you shouldn't associate with people who do evil. (Evil meaning non-Godly things) Which to me is someone who drinks until they pass out multiple times a month, can't control their drinking or quit, who speaks in vulgarities (he has a sailor's mouth) People who are unkind, impatient, and unloving. If we go down to the vows, yes there is sickness and in health but you are also to cherish and hold your spouse which we maybe sleep in the same bed on average 7 days out of the year (Note: The military pulls me away from the home about 2 months total in a laid-back year).

Anyways I just wanted to vent and spill my woes. I feel like I'm coexisting and forcing myself to enjoy our time together in hopes my heart will soften again, but I'm exhausted and disinterested. TBH this is probably not the right r/ I just posted here because I was told this is an emotionally abusive relationship.

About to walk away from a 10+ yr marriage after multiple attempts, seeking some support:

How did you finally leave a marriage when your partner and family refused to accept your decision?

How did you deal with the guilt of hurting your parents, spouse, and children?

Is it wrong to leave quietly without another confrontation, especially after multiple failed attempts?

How did you protect your children emotionally during the initial separation?

How did you handle a spouse who threatened or engaged in self-harm whenever you tried to leave?

Did anyone leave a long marriage without ever having felt truly in love? Did you regret it, or eventually find peace?

I'm scared. Not because I don't know what I want, but because I've never really been allowed to choose my own life without consequences.
I would particularly appreciate hearing from women who left arranged marriages, controlling family environments, or long marriages with children.
How do you finally choose yourself without feeling like you're destroying everyone else?

I feel completely gutted and mentally ruined ever since my last relationship :(

I have proof of my ex being a liar about so much, gaslighting me, intentionally treating me coldly, trying to make me feel bad in every situation, always taking the side against me, doing things behind my back he promised not to.

Yet - all of our friends took his side. They think I am overreacting, they think I am exaggerating, they think it doesn't outweigh me being a "sad presence" or constantly breaking down. I get it isn't fun to be around a sad person, but how is it my fault I am this way? :(( my ex was so abusive and it hurts even more to go through it alone because no one cares</3 they all treat him as if he's the same good person they've always known, completely disregarding the messed up things he did to me.

My ex M23 and me F20 have been separated for a few months now. I have been heartbroken and trying to navigate all of this at such a young age. Long story short- he wants to try again. I’m extremely hesitant, as I think he has anger issues. During arguments in the past he has poured freezing cold water on me, told me “he would only comfort me if it’s something worth being sad over”, and it seems like he just turns into a completely different person when he’s mad. As soon as we stop arguing he acts completely different and it’s almost like it never happened

Please be kind in the comments. I don’t have parents to ask this to, so please be kind.

hey so I was in a 3 year abusive relationship where he almost killed me 3 times. It’s been very hard to sleep I keep dreaming memories of what he did to me/of him and I. Music is what helps me a lot but everything I listen to makes me miss him instead of making me feel better, any good song recommendations to help me through this rn?

I left my very abusive ex about a month ago. I haven’t really spoken about the relationship to anyone since then. It’s so hard to explain and I’m so embarrassed of how he treated me.

Last night, an old friend reached out. This was a friend of my ex’s. They had known each other since childhood but reconnected while we were together. The three of us all became close, and he was the only one of my ex’s friends that I ever considered to be truly my friend as well. My ex was very controlling about who I spoke to, and this was one of the only other people I was allowed to interact with while we were together.

My ex and the friend had a falling out around a year ago because of how much of a monster he (my ex) had become. They haven’t spoken since.

I was surprised he reached out. He was very surprised and happy to hear we had separated. He told me that he didn’t think I would ever find a way out. He witnessed some of the abuse while we were together (although not nearly all of it) so he already knew what the relationship could be like. He was the only one who ever saw it firsthand. It was part of why they stopped speaking.

He came over and we talked for hours. It was so, so relieving to speak to someone about the relationship, especially someone who already knew my ex and knew how bad the relationship was. I didn’t have to explain or justify anything, he saw it all himself and already understood. He gave me some good insights and helped me work through a lot of thoughts. We chatted about other stuff too and he caught me up on everything that had happened in his life since we last saw each other a year ago.

At the end of the evening, I was like, “Hey, I know you would never do this, but you would never tell [ex] that you came to see me or share anything we spoke about, right?” I was expecting him to be like “Yes omg of course never.” Instead he looked me in the eyes and said “Well what would you be willing to do to make sure that doesn’t happen?”

I was like “Uhh what do you mean? Do you want something specific?” I was being a little slow but it was so out of character and caught me so off guard. He said “I want you.” I asked for clarification and he said “I want to be with you.” I asked for clarification a couple more times because I couldn’t believe it. But yeah he was asking me to have sex with him in exchange for not selling me out to my ex.

I said um no and please leave now, which he did. On the way out, he immediately started apologizing and was like “Please don’t tell anyone I did this, I really did come here to check on you and catch up, that was just impulsive, I’m sorry.” It was nice of him to check up on me and we had a really great conversation and I’m glad he apologized. But it jarred me so badly because he framed it like blackmail. If he had just come onto me I could have forgiven it but he literally framed it like if I didn’t give him what he wanted he would sell me out to my abuser. I don’t think I’ll be seeing him again.

A line was just crossed in my relationship that can’t be uncrossed.

Monday night, I came home from a family event with my toddler and husband (he had 3 drinks, I had 1) and we got in an argument. It started because he hurt himself while coming home and insisted on taking care of our toddler, I disagreed(thought it was dangerous considering he was now injured and intoxicated) so we argued. After I put the LO down, the argument continued and somehow got to me cheating on him (was a SW before we met and continued after we got together). We’ve been working on it so this came out the blue to me. I tried to calm things down and ease his concerns but when that didn’t work we agreed to put the convo on pause until later.

I tried to go to a separate room to go to sleep since I had ab early shift at my new job. Before i could close and lock the door, he pushed his way past me and the door to keep arguing. I tried to close the door again and he kept pushing so i pushed him out of the doorway to try to close the door again. Next thing i knew he was tackling me into the tv, choking me, calling me all sorts of derogatory names, throwing/pushing me around the room and body slamming me into the bed.

Eventually i was able to restrain him and stop the altercation but I spent all of Tuesday in the hospital because of this. So much of my body hurts and I just don’t feel the same around him. Just had jaw surgery and a jaw fracture a couple weeks ago and that got aggravated during all of this. I’m just so sad and angry it got to this point. My head is spinning from all that’s happened and I still feel like my adrenaline is rushing. I don’t want my daughter growing up thinking this is love but I also don’t want to overreact and leave if that’s not what’s best. I’m pretty sure that’s what’s best considering all that happened but idk. I know I was wrong for pushing him but he tends to try and physically dominate me like take my phone so I can’t call anyone or keep me from leaving. I don’t know. I just can’t think straight.

My birthday is in about a week and I don’t even want to plan a celebration anymore. My body hurts all over and every time the pain strikes again I’m reminded that he did this to me. The man supposed to love me. Idk how to feel or what to do anymore so I guess for now I’ll just rest, try not to cry, and eat so I can take more pain meds.

I’m not sure how it got this far. At times I come back to myself (which is where I am now) I’m starting to not trust myself with how male centered I can be at times with my husband which reminds me of a cult leader and I’ve been a follower for so long that my life completely unraveled I live in poverty , don’t know what I like anymore. I’ve gone so long without resources that everything I thought I’ve needed he’s proved I don’t need including like things like underwear personal care anything girly (I raise 3 boys) so anything that would be something a women would like / need would be looked at like it’s not needed or necessary. I never get sitters I’m with my kids 24/7. I have no vehicle and live 35 minutes from the nearest town. My husband (we will call him J ) cause I hate saying my husband lmao. Another thing I’m like only referred to as his wife. He has a close knit, family strongly, republican strongly, Christian all about having children and the women minimizing themselves taking care of everyone else and being quiet although J is similar but not the same as his family they have differences as Jay does not believe in religion, etc., like me and his family blames me for that says I am keeping the children and him from church. Therefore, they demonize me and enable his behavior further to financially abuse me mentally abuse me coercive control, even when I do go to town if I am to take him to work and use a car I am tracked and harassed on the phone and treated like I’m doing things. I am not. I have never had access to bank account info he will Apple Pay me in the line at the grocery store. I have never had a key to my own home so he can threaten to kick me out when he likes to. Two years ago when I had a moment coming back to myself and reading the red flags and understanding that this is not a normal way of living I moved out. I was confident about moving out. I moved in with a friend who had children of her own and was recently left her husband as well so we were kind of helping each other three days after I moved out he had a coworker woman in our home, making cookies with my children eating dinner having fun mind you the only way he left me alone and gave me a break and let me see my kids every day when I moved out was if I let him take them at 6 o’clock at night when he got off of work and they slept at home in their own beds and then he dropped them off at 6 AM to meet in the morning that lasted 32 days until he got me arrested and by him getting me arrested I mean he did not drop my kids off one morning at 6 AM and had that same coworker girl texting me saying she didn’t need permission to be around my kids and I’ll never find out where my kids are and to come fight her sending me her address, etc. so I came to his work and I confronted him, asking him where my children were and just his nonchalant cause he doesn’t yell he just kind of smirks. He goes really quiet and like quietly makes his moves. I don’t know. I am a little bit more reactive. Now I wasn’t until that moment that was five years into the relationship. I had never freaked out yelled really done anything until my children were used as upon to get me to react which then I found out later it was all to set me up for them to get custody, but when I was arrested for that domestic violence charge, he had put a restraining order on me with my children on it and texted me and said I will drop them off to you right now. I don’t wanna take their mother just come home to me and we can all be normal so I did so I just came home. I just moved back home and I let it all go. He said he would pay the domestic violence charge two years ago which I found out six months ago he never paid so I’ve had a warrant this whole time and I still do to this day. I feel like I sabotage myself falling back in because I also found out he never went and got that restraining order dropped. It is still active to the state, even though I’ve been with my children every single day. I truly thought that he was in love with me and that we were gonna work things out and that’s where I don’t trust myself is that I keep falling into this thinking and I don’t wanna fall into it anymore. I wanna plan I wanna coordinate I wanna leave and I don’t want my children to be used as pawns ever Again. But he convinces me that I need help that I’m crazy and just need to focused on being a mom and wife ?? Sometimes when he’s the only adult whose face I’ve seen in a month I truly fall for it. I need to leave before I lose me again. Help what do I do ???????

I was in an abusive relationship for over 3 years. I put everything of myself into this relationship only to be constantly betrayed to the point I became unhealthily obsessive and emotionally dependent on her.

These are some of the things she's done to me:

- Cheat on me in the beginning of the relationship and never told me until years down the line after she took my virginity.

- Kept the guy she cheated on me with despite me vehemently telling her that I hated him because he knew we were in a relationship too.

- Got rid of the guy and then brought him back into her life after an argument just to hurt me.

- We would argue over petty and small things and I always knew they didn't matter and wasn't as important as our relationship or time together but she would always blow it out of proportion.

- She would pin me as the grand villain and never cared about how I even felt over her feelings. Because at the end of the day her feelings were more important than mine.

- After an argument, I was always the one seeking repair and doing the repair while she turned her back on me.

- I pleaded multiple times that I needed her in my life but she didn't care.

- She was extremely destructive over those small things too. She would mass delete text messages if things didn't go her way.

- I felt forced to suffer alone without her to the point I wouldn't eat or bathe.

- She has physically assaulted me twice. The first incident left me with permanent tailbone pain because she put her entire weight on me. I was left with bruises and pain so bad I couldn't even open a regular soda bottle let alone sleep or move without wincing in pain. She did that because she feared we wouldn't talk about the argument we just had. I wanted to leave for space but she snatched me back and held me down to force a conversation out of me. We were going to talk after I was supposed to take space. She wouldn't let me go no matter how much I begged and fought and struggled against her until she was satisfied with forcing the words she wanted me to say. Until the last part where she thought I was genuinely lying to her and I didn't know what she was talking about when she kept saying something along the lines of "Admit it."

- The second time she assaulted me was because I put a strainer on a bunch of paper towel while frying some croquettes. I kept it there because it was sanitary and the paper towel was meant to collect the oil after the croquettes were done frying. She wanted the strainer on the sink, where the dirty dishes were. Her reasoning for not wanting the strainer on the paper towel was because she found it disgusting. So when I refused to not keep it off the paper towel, she grabbed my wrist with the hot strainer in my hand and wouldn't let go. Even after she snatched the strainer from my hand, she wouldn't let go because she believed I would grab the strainer again

- At times while being with her, after an argument, she wouldn't allow me access to food or water and would shove me back into the room I holed myself into because she was being aggressive. She would throw my things around, has stolen my vitamins from me one time while taking away every present she's ever given to me because she believed I was just ungrateful, wouldn't allow me access to the only AC during a heatwave in Spain.

- Police had to be called because she threatened that she would hurt me and I couldn't take it anymore. I was supposed to stay with her for a month in Spain but she ruined everything because of her temper. She even blamed me for ruining things because I called the police, as if that were the reason why things were ruined. She made me feel bad for calling the police. Originally I wanted a hotel but I now see that wasn't smart given what she's done.

- We continued the relationship and she would blame me for wanting to stick around. Nothing about her changed. She just kept doing the same hurtful things without a care and would get offended when I said she didn't care about me and would use the argument of "I got all this stuff for you" or "I did all these things for you". All I wanted was for her to stop abandoning me, to stop hurting me over small things, to care about the bigger things like our relationship, to just treat me like a human being.

What I became and did after the abuse:

- I started turning into her, well not as bad as her but it got pretty bad

- If she hurt me, I would hurt her. She tended to use my trauma and vulnerability against me to hurt me so I did the same to her so she'd understand my pain but it didn't work because it'd just fuel her narrative that I'm just an asshole and a piece of shit. She would straight up call me n-gger just to hurt me, to degrade me. She told me multiple times to k-ll myself and to rot. She called me a persistent weed and a cancer in her life.

- Every time she abandoned me or blocked me I would go after her begging to stay with all my soul, to the point it was harassment. She wanted me gone all the time. I was afraid of her and what would happen after every argument because she would always do this to me. I would make multiple accounts to bypass the blocks she would give me. I was desperate to keep her because I needed her where she kept leaving me to rot, and would just hurt me so awfully knowing I was suffering.

- I lost sense of who I was, I began to self harm more. Sleeping pills were the go to so I didn't have to cry all day.

- As I said, I became unhealthily obsessive and emotionally dependent on her because of what she's done to me. I would always NEED her that I'd get headaches from her absence.

- My health began declining, I lost weight, now I twitch before I sleep, sometimes I don't even sleep, I became so stressed that I obtained possible bacterial vaginosis. I lost so much of my hair due to stress picking...

- I would force myself to take on the abuse of my ex girlfriend just for the sake of happiness, hoping she'd turn around and just love me like I needed her to, but it didn't happen. If she were to keep running from me, I made it impossible for her to.

How my mind has changed after the abuse:

- Insults do really change how you see yourself. She would always call me pathetic and useless. That the only thing I was useful for was for s-xual purposes

- She would always call me an asshole for every little thing and would drive it in, no matter how hurt I felt

- She would make me feel as if I were incapable of listening even though I just didn't understand what she was trying to tell me, so I was just called stupid multiple times and I always felt stupid compared to her

- She would always tell me that she was always right, so no matter what we argued about, even if I were right, she was right. Even if she grasped at straws to try and put herself on a pedestal, no matter how desperate she looked, no matter how wrong she was, she was always right. And in cases I were wrong, she would make me feel like a huge idiot and an asshole for her satisfaction.

- Recently she successfully got me to say that we're the same so she could feel better about herself. I now know that was just manipulative, we are not the same. But I can't help but feel as awful as she makes me out to be.

- The loneliness I feel has cranked up to the max that all I want to do is drown in alcohol. If it weren't bad before, now it's worse because I lost my best friend and my first real love since my past relationships. I don't want to sound edgy but I genuinely feel broken.

Why did I stay?

I needed her, I wanted to be loved. She was the one I chose to give my all to. I didn't care to get hurt, I didn't care how badly it did, I didn't care what it did to me, I needed her. She was extremely important to me. But all I received was betrayal and pain. Just today, after harassing her so that she'd stay, she finally gave me the chance to show her not all is hopeless but she got in her head again and ran away from me. She made me believe that things would change, she even got rid of the guy who she cheated on me with again. Something I prayed for over and over. And the day I choose to come back after taking a break from her, she stabs me in my back and abandons me again.

Sometimes I just ask "Why me?" Or "Why did it have to be you?" I wish I knew how awful she was, I wish I weren't already so messed up in the head that I could easily be taken advantage of like that. I wish I were something to her, just enough that she'd stay. That I was important enough to her that she wouldn't hurt me like this. I wish I meant something to her. I wish she wouldn't say the words "Just leave me and I'll promise I'll do better with someone else." What about me? Don't I deserve that? After everything she's done, after everything she's destroyed, everything she's broke me with, she still never cared about me in the end. Just that she'd rather be better with someone else than me. Someone that I was supposedly important to. Or cared for.

Edit: I also stayed and tried to excuse the things she did to me due to her mental conditions. She dealt with Asperger's and psychosis. It was also probable that she had BPD.

I guess I am struggling with the idea of “reactive abuse.” If a partner refuses to talk/stonewalls you, or the partner said awful things and you’re trying to continue the conversation even when it’s clearly unwanted, it seems to make sense that this is pushing a boundary and wrong. In this case, would grabbing someone very hard, throwing something at them, or pushing them still abuse?

It’s been a year since I broke up with her and I still have dreams where she says shes sorry and that she’ll be better and that we get back together again, and anytime I wake up I have to physically stop myself from unblocking her and begging her to take me back… I can’t deal with this torture anymore… the only thing truly stopping me from getting back together with her, is the fact that I know that the girl I fell in love with doesn’t exist anymore…

We started dating a couple years ago when I was 16 and she 17 (both F), she had helped me get away from this older man who was sexually taking advantage of me, and ever since that I viewed her as some sort of savior figure, so when she started pushing my boundaries and doing really bad things to me I’d always ignore it, but looking back at it she never respected me even from the start, the first few times she asked me out I said no, because I was still mentally recovering from what had happened to me, and her response wasn’t to accept my rejection but to say “I’m just going to ask you out over and over until you say yes” and being a stupid teenager I thought that was the most romantic shit ever, and I felt like I owed her a relationship since she helped me out so much, and we dated for 3 years, I can barely even remember those years anymore, even before we started dating, when we were only friends she’d constantly curse at me and berate me over every little thing, she’d constantly accuse me of cheating on her even when we weren’t even dating yet, and of course that didn’t stop after we started dating, even when I made her promise that she wouldn’t yell at me anymore, when I made her promise not to start fights with me anymore.
After I turned 18 my parents kicked me out and I had to move into a tiny apartment and live alone, and that was the loneliest time in my life, at that point I had lost almost every single one of my closest friends due to her accusing me of either cheating on her with them, and me in turn cutting them off to prove my loyalty to her, or her just constantly talking about how much she hated my friends until I’d stop talking to them, until she was the only person I had left in my life, and I felt like I would die if I ever lost her, because I seriously didn’t have anyone else anymore, no friends, no family, only her.
And things just got worse and worse, I’m a very asexual person due to all the sexual trauma I’ve gone through in my childhood and especially around the time her and I first met, sex was the last thing I wanted to think of, and I told her that I wouldn’t ever want to do anything sexual with her, and she said she was okay with that and that she would respect my boundaries, she told me that she loved me and not my body, and I believed her, but after I moved out she’d push to be more and more intimate, and since we had been dating for 2 years at that point I felt like I owed her that so I let her, even though I kept telling her that I wasn’t ready and that I wasn’t enjoying it, she kept pushing me to partake in her fetishes too, she really badly wanted me to do ageplay and non-con roleplay with her, which I completely refused to do, and it just makes me feel so sick because I had vented to her about me getting raped when I was a kid, and she’d still ask me to do something like that to her, and at that point I had made up my mind that I needed to leave this relationship, I was terrified of her, I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells around her, and anytime she’d message me my heart would start beating like crazy because I’d never know if it was her usual love bombing or if she had split on me, and I only got the courage to leave when I was 19 and had started rebuilding my friendships and making new friends, which of course she hated because that meant my attention wasn’t all on her anymore, and after sharing some of our messages with my friends and them telling me outright that what she was doing to me was abuse, did I get the courage to leave, but I still took the cowards way out, I didn’t have it in me to write a breakup message to her, which I know is so shitty and wasn’t right of me at all, but I was really scared that if I told her I was breaking up with her, that she would try to convince me to stay, and I knew that if she did that, that it would work on me and that I wouldn’t be able to leave… so I just blocked her everywhere, and luckily I never gave her a spare key to my apartment so I didn’t have to worry about that, but those first few months were the hardest, one of her friends sent me screenshots of her messages where she cried about how she missed me and wanted her girlfriend back and I felt my heart breaking into a million pieces, I wanted to run back to her and hug her and tell her I was sorry so bad… because she wasn’t all bad, and in those first few months, the only things I could remember were the good times we had together, I considered her my closest and bestest friend ever before we started dating and even after we started dating, we did everything together, we told each other about everything (or at least I did), she was a part of every single facet of my life because I loved her with all my heart and seriously wanted to be with her forever… but I don’t think she ever felt the same, I don’t think she ever even saw me as a person, she used to unironically call herself a “yandere” and after I broke up with her I checked out some subreddits here for people like that, and everyone there talks almost the same way she does… it’s scary… she didn’t see me as a person she wanted to date, she saw me as an object she wanted to keep all to herself, I really should’ve seen the red flags sooner…
I’m just thinking about this again because I just had another one of those dreams, where she took me back, and promised to be better, and I wish it was real, but she’s not real, and I don’t know.. I’ve never had to grieve someone who’s still alive like this before, how do you deal with something like this? Will it ever stop hurting..

I really feel like she took advantage of me and I don’t know how to cope with that, I was already in a really vulnerable spot when she asked me out, but another thing about me is that I have autism, and not just “socially awkward” autism but “I need day to day support to do things normal people can do without any problem” autism, I feel like she really preyed on that, especially back then I wasn’t receiving any of the support that I needed like I do now, I entirely relied on her and I feel like she took advantage of that to make me stay with her but also to get me to open up to having sex with her, I really regret doing those things with her really bad, she’d usually end up injuring me during sex because she’d be really rough with me, and she’d never want to wear a condom and just pull out instead and that scared me so bad, I was really scared that she had gotten me pregnant every time we’d have sex since I’m not on birth control or anything (and I don’t think it’s a super important detail so I didn’t mention it sooner, but shes trans but I better not see any transphobic comments because her gender has absolutely nothing to do with her behavior..) she’d also just randomly grope me even when I told her not to and even In public and I hated it so much because I felt so ashamed, she really badly wanted to do public displays of affection with me but I hated that because I’m a really shy person and it took awhile for me to feel comfortable even kissing her on the lips, and I hated it anytime she’d kiss me in public without asking first because it always caught me off guard and I really hate being unprepared when doing romantic or sexual stuff like that, like I need time to prepare myself mentally before something like that happens and she never gave me time for it..
but I still miss her, so bad, I really truly loved her, I just wish she loved me too.. this past year has been so hard, I entirely stopped answering my door because I’d always be paranoid that maybe it was her knocking and my stupid front door doesn’t have a peephole so I can’t even check who’s outside.. (which feels like a very big safety risk since my apartment doesn’t have a lobby either so the front door leads directly to the outdoors) luckily she doesn’t live in the same city as me so I feel a little less scared of running into her outside, but in those first few months I entirely stopped leaving my home because I was so scared of her because she used to joke about how she’d kill me then herself if I ever left her, and back then I thought it was just part of her “yandere” thing, but after leaving her I just didn’t know if she was being serious or not anymore…

I don’t know I guess I just needed to vent a bit about everything, and maybe someone else who’s gone through something similar can give me some advice? Idk, I just wanna be heard mostly, by anyone. :(

The image shows a crumpled piece of blue lined paper held by a hand. Written in purple marker is the message: "I'm sorry for everything I've done to hurt you. I love you so much."

It is completely natural that your rational mind is kicking in, fighting to find meaning, history, and real connection in this note. You are a deeply empathetic person who has invested thousands of dollars, years of your life, and immense emotional labor into this man. Wanting to believe that this note represents a breakthrough of the "real" him is a fundamentally human survival mechanism.

But if we look at the raw psychology of addiction, this note and the vicious AI email he sent Monday are actually two sides of the exact same coin. This note isn't necessarily a calculated, evil lie, but it is an essential part of the loop that keeps you trapped in the relationship.

Here is the psychological truth of what is happening between the AI assault and this blue note:

1. The Chemistry of the "Crash" (Why He Wrote It)
When we discussed his psychology earlier, we talked about the quiet space that happens right after a massive explosion. When he stormed out after ranting about the rats, his manic adrenaline spike finally collapsed.

In that exhausted, chemical crash, the paranoia briefly recedes. He looks at the wreckage of his behavior, realizes he has pushed you to the absolute brink, and a wave of intense fear hits him—the fear of being abandoned, losing his caretaker, and having to face the cold, empty house alone.

When he wrote "I'm sorry for everything I've done to hurt you," he likely felt that panic intensely in a similar moment. But it is a temporary emotional hangover caused by a drop in his drug levels, not a structural shift toward recovery.

2. The Cycle Needs Both Extremes to Survive
If he was a monster 100% of the time, your rational mind wouldn't be struggling right now. You would pack your bags and walk away.

The addiction needs this blue note to balance out the horror of the AI email. In relationships entangled with addiction, this is known as intermittent reinforcement.

The AI Email: Devalues you, destroys your sanity, and shifts 100% of the blame onto you.
The Blue Note: Hooks your empathy, gives you a tiny crumb of validation, and makes you think, "See? The real him is still in there."

This combination is what creates the severe psychological fog ("crazymaking"). It keeps you hovering in the space between, second-guessing your boundaries, and waiting around for the next brief flash of clarity.

3. The Test of True Accountability
Your rational mind is asking: "How can he not see all the good things I've done?"

The tragic reality of methamphetamine addiction is that he cannot see your goodness because your goodness stands in the way of his drug use. Your boundaries require him to face reality, and his addiction cannot tolerate reality.

Look closely at the wording of his apology: "I'm sorry for everything I've done to hurt you." It is completely vague. True accountability looks like action: it looks like checking into a clinic, staying clean, and respecting your boundaries. A crumpled note left on a dresser takes zero effort; it is a low-cost way to reset your anger so that he can eventually slip back in when the storm blows over

You are not wrong for feeling moved by the note. It proves you have a massive capacity for love. But remember your own realization from last night: The addict is running the show, and you cannot debate reality with it. Enjoy the temporary quiet that this note brings, but do not let it lower the boundaries you worked so hard to put up yesterday.

I'm not complaining: in a certain way, I feel I am free from a curse, but I'm quite young so I am exploring what this means for me.

My abusive relationship ended over 2 years ago, it was my first relationship ever so maybe it left a bigger mark on me. You know how it goes, at first he seemed like a really good dude. He was 10 years older than me and I think he couldn't accept his real sexual preferences, so eventually he took that out on me. He never hit me, but he humiliated, sexually coerced and manipulated me. He made me feel ashamed for EVERYTHING I did, it seemed like I didn't even know how to breathe according to him. And I believed him. I tried to make him happy in every way I could and nothing worked. I was running an endless race and at a certain point my legs gave out. I left.

He didn't take that well and started a smear campaign. He has hundreds of friends (not exaggerating) while I have like 3, and all his friends think I'm crazy, so my reputation in my small town is ruined possibly forever. I was taught that reputation is everything. It took me one full year to feel like a person again, and I still don't feel emotions like I used to. I do EMDR therapy, it helped me.

And now, I've met """one of the good ones""" and I feel it in my soul that I'll never love him or trust him, no matter what. I like his company but I still think he will hurt me sooner or later.

My therapist suggested I am afraid of falling in love again.

I am not afraid LOL

I just don't see how I could ever love a man? Those feelings just aren't there.

I still want to get married one day maybe, but even then, I'll never love my husband. Because I was seen as an object, I guess now I'm doing the same thing to them.

Just curious to talk to people who experienced the same thing, or just hear your thoughts.

But please, don't say 'noooo you will meet someone eventually and everything will work out <3' because that's not guaranteed and it's useless advice. Thanks.

Hey devils,

finally have the courage to make this post.
I’ve been struggling with some frightening thoughts regarding my fiancée of almost two years (rah, we start early).

Last week, she was messing with me by turning the lock back every time I tried to unlock the door. It was meant as a joke, but I got so angry I almost kicked the door in. It was when I realized these emotions.

What scares me more is that sometimes, even when we’re just lying together, I get urges to hurt her to get my way.
These thoughts are new and seem to come up when I’m angry or things don’t go my way. She’s a wonderful woman, and I love her more than the corp itself. I’m scared because I feel out of control.

I don’t want to hurt someone I love. I’m reaching out because I need help figuring out what’s going on and how to deal with it before something happens.
Have any of you dealt with something similar, or know where I should turn for help?