It’s been a year since I broke up with her and I still have dreams where she says shes sorry and that she’ll be better and that we get back together again, and anytime I wake up I have to physically stop myself from unblocking her and begging her to take me back… I can’t deal with this torture anymore… the only thing truly stopping me from getting back together with her, is the fact that I know that the girl I fell in love with doesn’t exist anymore…

We started dating a couple years ago when I was 16 and she 17 (both F), she had helped me get away from this older man who was sexually taking advantage of me, and ever since that I viewed her as some sort of savior figure, so when she started pushing my boundaries and doing really bad things to me I’d always ignore it, but looking back at it she never respected me even from the start, the first few times she asked me out I said no, because I was still mentally recovering from what had happened to me, and her response wasn’t to accept my rejection but to say “I’m just going to ask you out over and over until you say yes” and being a stupid teenager I thought that was the most romantic shit ever, and I felt like I owed her a relationship since she helped me out so much, and we dated for 3 years, I can barely even remember those years anymore, even before we started dating, when we were only friends she’d constantly curse at me and berate me over every little thing, she’d constantly accuse me of cheating on her even when we weren’t even dating yet, and of course that didn’t stop after we started dating, even when I made her promise that she wouldn’t yell at me anymore, when I made her promise not to start fights with me anymore.
After I turned 18 my parents kicked me out and I had to move into a tiny apartment and live alone, and that was the loneliest time in my life, at that point I had lost almost every single one of my closest friends due to her accusing me of either cheating on her with them, and me in turn cutting them off to prove my loyalty to her, or her just constantly talking about how much she hated my friends until I’d stop talking to them, until she was the only person I had left in my life, and I felt like I would die if I ever lost her, because I seriously didn’t have anyone else anymore, no friends, no family, only her.
And things just got worse and worse, I’m a very asexual person due to all the sexual trauma I’ve gone through in my childhood and especially around the time her and I first met, sex was the last thing I wanted to think of, and I told her that I wouldn’t ever want to do anything sexual with her, and she said she was okay with that and that she would respect my boundaries, she told me that she loved me and not my body, and I believed her, but after I moved out she’d push to be more and more intimate, and since we had been dating for 2 years at that point I felt like I owed her that so I let her, even though I kept telling her that I wasn’t ready and that I wasn’t enjoying it, she kept pushing me to partake in her fetishes too, she really badly wanted me to do ageplay and non-con roleplay with her, which I completely refused to do, and it just makes me feel so sick because I had vented to her about me getting raped when I was a kid, and she’d still ask me to do something like that to her, and at that point I had made up my mind that I needed to leave this relationship, I was terrified of her, I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells around her, and anytime she’d message me my heart would start beating like crazy because I’d never know if it was her usual love bombing or if she had split on me, and I only got the courage to leave when I was 19 and had started rebuilding my friendships and making new friends, which of course she hated because that meant my attention wasn’t all on her anymore, and after sharing some of our messages with my friends and them telling me outright that what she was doing to me was abuse, did I get the courage to leave, but I still took the cowards way out, I didn’t have it in me to write a breakup message to her, which I know is so shitty and wasn’t right of me at all, but I was really scared that if I told her I was breaking up with her, that she would try to convince me to stay, and I knew that if she did that, that it would work on me and that I wouldn’t be able to leave… so I just blocked her everywhere, and luckily I never gave her a spare key to my apartment so I didn’t have to worry about that, but those first few months were the hardest, one of her friends sent me screenshots of her messages where she cried about how she missed me and wanted her girlfriend back and I felt my heart breaking into a million pieces, I wanted to run back to her and hug her and tell her I was sorry so bad… because she wasn’t all bad, and in those first few months, the only things I could remember were the good times we had together, I considered her my closest and bestest friend ever before we started dating and even after we started dating, we did everything together, we told each other about everything (or at least I did), she was a part of every single facet of my life because I loved her with all my heart and seriously wanted to be with her forever… but I don’t think she ever felt the same, I don’t think she ever even saw me as a person, she used to unironically call herself a “yandere” and after I broke up with her I checked out some subreddits here for people like that, and everyone there talks almost the same way she does… it’s scary… she didn’t see me as a person she wanted to date, she saw me as an object she wanted to keep all to herself, I really should’ve seen the red flags sooner…
I’m just thinking about this again because I just had another one of those dreams, where she took me back, and promised to be better, and I wish it was real, but she’s not real, and I don’t know.. I’ve never had to grieve someone who’s still alive like this before, how do you deal with something like this? Will it ever stop hurting..

I really feel like she took advantage of me and I don’t know how to cope with that, I was already in a really vulnerable spot when she asked me out, but another thing about me is that I have autism, and not just “socially awkward” autism but “I need day to day support to do things normal people can do without any problem” autism, I feel like she really preyed on that, especially back then I wasn’t receiving any of the support that I needed like I do now, I entirely relied on her and I feel like she took advantage of that to make me stay with her but also to get me to open up to having sex with her, I really regret doing those things with her really bad, she’d usually end up injuring me during sex because she’d be really rough with me, and she’d never want to wear a condom and just pull out instead and that scared me so bad, I was really scared that she had gotten me pregnant every time we’d have sex since I’m not on birth control or anything (and I don’t think it’s a super important detail so I didn’t mention it sooner, but shes trans but I better not see any transphobic comments because her gender has absolutely nothing to do with her behavior..) she’d also just randomly grope me even when I told her not to and even In public and I hated it so much because I felt so ashamed, she really badly wanted to do public displays of affection with me but I hated that because I’m a really shy person and it took awhile for me to feel comfortable even kissing her on the lips, and I hated it anytime she’d kiss me in public without asking first because it always caught me off guard and I really hate being unprepared when doing romantic or sexual stuff like that, like I need time to prepare myself mentally before something like that happens and she never gave me time for it..
but I still miss her, so bad, I really truly loved her, I just wish she loved me too.. this past year has been so hard, I entirely stopped answering my door because I’d always be paranoid that maybe it was her knocking and my stupid front door doesn’t have a peephole so I can’t even check who’s outside.. (which feels like a very big safety risk since my apartment doesn’t have a lobby either so the front door leads directly to the outdoors) luckily she doesn’t live in the same city as me so I feel a little less scared of running into her outside, but in those first few months I entirely stopped leaving my home because I was so scared of her because she used to joke about how she’d kill me then herself if I ever left her, and back then I thought it was just part of her “yandere” thing, but after leaving her I just didn’t know if she was being serious or not anymore…

I don’t know I guess I just needed to vent a bit about everything, and maybe someone else who’s gone through something similar can give me some advice? Idk, I just wanna be heard mostly, by anyone. :(

I was in a mentally, verbally, and emotionally abusive relationship for 10 years. Toward the end of the relationship, I started recording my now ex-husband when he would verbally attack me.

Our relationship finally ended when things turned physical. He strangled me while yelling, “I’ll kill you, bitch.” I called 911, he was arrested, and I spent the entire day in the ER. There’s currently a restraining order in place, and he’s already been charged.

My point is that I have tons of old recordings and videos documenting the abuse, and I’d like to delete them from my phone and finally move on. However, it doesn’t sit right with me that all of this would essentially be erased, and nobody would ever see what he put me through.

I’m considering creating a Reddit account to share these recordings and videos publicly. I would leave out his name and face, but I’m wondering what legal consequences I could potentially face if I posted them and he somehow found out.

Could I get into legal trouble for posting these recordings and videos, even if I kept his identity anonymous?

24F, 24M. together for6 months. As the story goes. we didn’t use protection. it was valentine’s day (of course; insert eye roll). we came at the same time and he came inside me. long story short, I got pregnant. it wasn’t even an option for me to keep it. I was told I would have to kill my unborn baby and I was so scared to stand up for myself because I didn’t want him to leave me. yes, it was toxic and abusive. I had to go to the clinic and take the pill alone. most traumatic experience of my life, while he went out to the bar with his friends. that was 2 years ago. flash forward today and I still have flashbacks and panic about what happened, nightmares and a whole lot of what ifs. it’s killing me slowly. and now my ex is engaged in a happy relationship after leaving me. long rant. but short take is : how the hell am I supposed to move on from this? I am in a new relationship and still have flashbacks to this day. How will I ever move on? why was it so easy for him to move on and he had no consequences for his actions? please help.

how am I supposed to move on from this?

Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/1wqli6z/found_out_my_45f_ex_husband_44m_has_convinced/

I hope this is the correct way to post an update. I couldn't find anything about that in the rules. I wanted to update after my therapy appointment happened. I actually sent my therapist the post, and she read it herself. She said she was very grateful I got such helpful responses to my post, and was glad those who shared their stories and commented helped me so much.

I am grateful as well. I don't know if I would have been in as good a place mentally by the time my appointment rolled around if I hadn't made the post, and gotten so many wonderful comments and messages. My therapist and I are going to focus on this abusive relationship in my upcoming appointments. Until the friend reached out I don't think I even realized just how traumatized I had been by what my ex husband (lets call him T) did to me.

My therapy sessions were mostly about the abuse I endured as a child, and teenager. We hadn't really started on my adult abuse experiences. So now we are going to focus on those more. Thank you all for helping me feel validated, and seen. It means the world to me. Keep doing what you're doing.

As for the friend who started me on this experience well I cut ties with her. We hadn't talked to many years so it was an easy choice. I don't wish her any ill will, and told her as much. I made sure to let her know that I understood why she thought I needed to know the information she shared with me, and that while I didn't hate her for it I couldn't trust that she would respect my wishes in the future since she couldn't respect them this time.

After I confirmed she had seen the message I blocked her. I hope she is doing well, and not being too hard on herself. She really didn't mean anything bad from it. Thank you all again. I hope you are all doing well.

Im scared he'll take the kids if I wind up homeless with them.

My name is on the house, and so is his unfortunately.

My mother and i paid for that house.

Its not right he and his mother get to just bully me out of it.

I left for a month, and it's been the hardest month of my life. Im so tired.

What if I get him to hit me and actually report it this time?

I don't want to get cps involved, they'll take the kids but I guess they're safer with some random foster family at this point.

We're so far out in the desert, im scared I'll get buried out there and he and his mom will tell everyone I ran away again- without the kids this time. They'll never find my body.

He already tells me im lazy and do nothing for our kids. Controls my car. Oh, things escalated when i took my car back. Won't leave my house. Won't let me get a job. I cant leave the kids alone with him.

He and his mom have stolen my mail and other important things.

Im scared to send my son to school because he and/or his mom might "pick him up from school" and never return him.

I just don't know what to do. I keep praying to God that he'll just drop dead of natural causes, but the truth is I was close to having a stress related heart attack in that house.

Even my 4 year old noticed. He tells me "mama you're so happy now." My 18 month old hasn't said "dada" once since we've been gone. Not once.

The best I can think to do is lock myself and our kids in my room whenever he's home and get a boyfriend who works for the police department, since I already re-homed the dog. Im also gonna tell anyone and everyone in that town who will listen what he and his mother are doing to me.

What else can I do? Legally or illegally? Im open to hearing your suggestions.

I dated a man briefly. He was controlling and possessive and petty and vengeful and always had to be right. I thought this was just how he was and didn’t understand it as abusive until he hit me. Now I fear that traditionally “masculine” qualities that I am naturally attracted to may be qualities that many abusive men have.

When you look back at the earlier stages of your relationships, what were the signs? Were there any?

Edit-
I’m sorta grateful he got to see y’all’s POV. I’ll update later, can’t type to much right now.

I

So I woke up and couldn’t find my phone, I already know what that means. Anyways I woke up to all the incriminating photos deleted, little does he know is they were not deleted fully, I am going to put them on a SD card just in case he figures it out. Anyways he called yall my fan club, we are all over exaggerating & he would be better if I was. I asked him if he really read the comments, he kind of dismissed the question. I told him they find you terrifying and abusive saying I need to get away.. its not just me and not me lying, i told him i NEED people to talk to about this bc im not okay. Sadly, this is my tame account, my other account has a lot more violent stuff, that is more so what pissed him off bc he’s what if someone found him out, they won’t find out if you don’t do it 🤷🏻‍♀️.. surprisingly was not that mad though that I thought him, NOW, I’m sure this will be used for later.
-

I’m curious what the worst, most toxic, or emotionally draining traits you’ve experienced.

I am 32(f) and here are some of mine:

•Constant provocation over the smallest things: Deliberately pushing buttons and provoking reactions, then acting completely innocent.

•Stonewalling and silent treatment: Ignoring me for days, withholding communication, acting like I didn’t exist.

•Lack of initiative: Never taking initiative for fixing problems or improving the relationship.

•Empty promises: Constantly promising to change, but never actually following through.

•Screaming and name-calling: Yelling, insulting and using degrading language during arguments.

•Vindictiveness: Always needing to get revenge and take things one step further.

•Resenting my happiness: Getting irritated or angry whenever I am focusing on my own needs and interests.

•Controlling behavior: Trying to control everything, including when I was “allowed” to do certain things. Saying things like, “You can do that when I feel like letting you.”

•Controlling my appearance: Telling me what clothes I was and wasn’t allowed to wear.

•Interfering with my career: Trying to control my job: wanting to be part of business trips to control me.

•Invalidating my feelings: him denying my emotions, and acting like he knew my own feelings better than I did.

•Playing the victim: Somehow turning every situation around until he was the victim, even when he was the one who hurt me.

•Threats and ultimatums: Threatening to replace me with another woman or cheat on me to get his way.

•Devaluation: calling me a disgusting, worthless woman, insulting my character, and questioning what I had ever done for him.

•Jealousy of my success: Instead of being proud of my achievements, especially at work, my success seemed to trigger anger and resentment

•Picking fights over normal social interactions: Getting angry when I was friendly or talkative with people in public, even waiters. He would call that behavior “masculine” and start arguments over it.

•Rigid gender roles: Constantly defining himself as a “real man” and imposing strict rules about how a woman should behave, speak, dress, and interact with others.

•Treating strangers badly: Being rude, disrespectful, or condescending toward waiters, Uber drivers, and other service workers.

•Constant negativity and miserable moods: Almost always being angry, irritated, or in a bad mood. It felt like his negativity filled the entire room.

I’m curious whether others experienced that constant feeling of having the life and energy sucked out of them.

Finally, I got rid of my boyfriend who abused me hard. He literally brainwashed me. I am still trying to heal. This is what I was exposed to:

1. He defends women must clean and cook but men doesn't have to.
2. He likes white women, (he is white) I have tanned skin. He asked me to change my skin color by using whitening creams. I told him: no, you knew I have tanned skin from the benginning and you was the one who wanted to be my boyfriend.
3. When I told him I cannot change my skin color, he told me people should do everything for a relationship.
4. One time, when he was coughing, I was worried and asked him if he is ok because it was like he was suffocating. He yelled at me after he cough. I told him I was worried and I care about him. He said curse words for me.
5. I got rings for us, not a wedding ring, it was just the symbol of our relationship, but he did not wear the ring and gave it back to me. At that evening, he cheated on me with a girl who also has tanned skin. I saw he texted her to meet on instagram and gave her his number.
6. He was disgusted by my non-makeup look. I always wore makeup when I am with him. One time I did not wear makeup and he got mad at me, he said I look like a dirty construction worker.
7. When he cheated on me, he gaslighted me. He told me he did not talk flirty with them, they were juat friends. At first I believed in him. However, it repeated and I texted the girl he talked. She sent me messages that he asked her to be his lover and flirty talks. He told me those talks are all fake.
8. He is too fat but he wants a thin woman. My height is 5'8 and my weight is 154 pounds but he called me fat even though he was 310 pounds.
9. He wants a virgin woman to get married but he was not a virgin + he was very sexually active + he was divorced
10. He doesn't like hairy woman. When we met, there was two or three hair on my hand and he said he was disgusted.
11. When I said I needed to sleep, he did not let me go and forced me to talk with him.
12. He told me he was an engineer but actually he was just a high school graduate.
13. He always expected compliments. When I compliment less in a day, he used to tell me I am not romantic.
14. He was addicted to computer games. He had no social life.
15. He believed in a nonsense idea of hierarcy, he told me he is unique and superior than most of the people, including me. (btw he is just a high school graduate while I have bachelors degree, I know two foreign languages, I know sign language, I am an artist, I am a teacher, I can cook well, I am loyal, I am clean, I write poems, I have many certificates etc.
16. He told no woman can be superior than him. He said women is not intelligent as men.
17. He told me if a woman is not beautiful, she is not worth to love.
18. He hates fat women and always made fun of them. I told him being fat may not be people's fault and being fat is not a bad thing, he hated my thoughts.
19. When he doesn't like my ideas, he told me I am nothing but dumb.
20. When he made me cry, he told me I am too emotional and idiot.
21. He was racist to me. He cursed my race wven though I am mixed.
22. He told me I am naive and people would trick me, he told me he would never do that to me.
23. When I tried to break up, he got obsessed with me in a toxic way and threatened me. He told me "I'd kill you" or "I will send your +18 photos to your relatives". (he even bought a fake number so that he can send my private medias to my parents and my relatives) He has many guns and I was so scared that I had to stay with him and pretended to love him for a long time.
24. At the end of the story, I escaped and my parents protected me (hopefully)

Now I am safe and free but I still try to heal and gain my self-confidence again. I have a lot of trauma. Now he has a new girlfriend but he still tries to contact with me. I never talked him again. Blocked him and changed my number.

What was your breaking point? What made you say “enough is enough” and gave you the strength to leave? Today he took my food away; he said he was done eating and cleared everything off the table. When I asked for an explanation, he told me to thank him for keeping me in line. Just to be clear, I’m 5.9 feet tall and weigh 140 pounds

Hello, First time poster. (F) I’ll try to keep this condensed as possible for my own peace of mind.

My emotionally abusive ex took his life last week. We had been no contact for eight years, but this still impacted my life.

I’ve been in therapy for a while. I wasn’t ready to reopen the wounds he left in me. In fact, when I wrote in another subreddit I was STILL defending him. It wasn’t until after his funeral that I finally admitted that he abused me. I feel ashamed even saying that because my own brain makes me feel guilty because he didn’t hit or verbally abuse me.

I won’t make a too detailed list but I was neglected, indirectly belittled, picked on, made to feel terrible about myself, never had support in bad moments, had him ignore me during important moments, and never felt good enough to be with him. He was so emotionally unavailable but would love-bomb me if I slipped too far away. It messed with my head. He would have very scary outbursts. If he got angry he was scary and threw things. Once he put his head in the wall and left a huge dent. Or he would ignore me. On top Of that, I used to make the excuse he was probably autistic and just not emotional.

I know that isn’t true. I’m working through it with my therapist now. This isn’t my fault.

We had the same friend group. I adored his parents and siblings. His best friend was one of my close friends. They called me to tell me. I was numb.

My first emotional conflict was crying for this man who hurt me. How could I cry for someone who put me in such a bad place? I cried for the friend I missed and the healing I wanted him to have.

Then feeling resentful. I have had to fight with my own issues with SI (some of which he was there for and didn’t even care.) the resentment of having to be strong and help myself, when he just gets to do this?

After, I felt so guilty. Despite what he did to me, he’s very missed. His parents and friends didn’t deserve this. I know his mom is devastated (I reached out to her.) I feel like a selfish jerk that this person is gone, people are mourning, and I’m only thinking about my own pain.

Now I’m just angry. This is the first time I’m coming to terms with having been abused. I’m embarrassed and blaming myself. I feel like it’s my own fault for staying for five years. I also feel guilty that it could have been worse (I know that’s just trauma.)

I think I’m also reconciling that I never got to tell him to his face that he’s awful for what he did to me.

My question is: has anyone been through similar? Have you had to navigate this? Is it normal to be this conflicted?

In my last relationship, I've realized something I needed to learn for a long time. I come off strong, too quickly. I need to learn to stop mistaking lust/limerance for love. Never again. I'll take it slow.

But I've been gaslighting myself a lot this week and acting like if I hadn't done that the abuse would have never came. And that her actions were from her becoming overwhelmed by my intense love. But, I feel as though I just love unconditionally. And these monsters love conditionally.

Just because I would constantly try to praise, do kind gestures, give gifts, make her feel special, even if it was overwhelming... It didn't justify her belittling me constantly.

Telling me I couldn't do anything right and to "do better" all the time.

Giving me the silent treatment.

Calling my affection "cringe" near the end.

Saying everything I do is annoying.

Pressuring me to say I love you when I said I wanted to wait for that.

Never being reciprocal about halfway through.

Lying to me about keeping a connection with her ex and only finding out after she rubbed it in my face after the break up.

Telling me I couldn't hang out with certain female friends (projection much?)

Making jokes about my appearance.

Constantly trying to "rage bait" me as she put it.

Telling me I needed to "man up" if I didn't fight back during her "rage baiting."

Hot and cold energy for days at a time.

Kicking me out of her house out of no where then saying I was punishing her when she asked me to come back and I told her to give me another day.

Throwing everything back on me if I calmly brought up my grievances to set a boundary to be nicer to me (DARVO)

Calling me insecure in front of her friends after I started walking on eggshells from her behavior.

And more.

But yes, I still gaslight myself and blame myself all the time. It sucks. But I'm glad I speed ran this relationship and it was only 8 months and not 8 years. But man did it still have some lasting damage to how I look at myself. I was so happy and content with myself before I met her. Now I don't even want to try dating again because I'm afraid someone will be so mean again.

It's okay if you decide you don't like me anymore. That's fine. But why be so cruel? Why not just leave and be polite about it?

So yes, I'll take my time next time, but at the end of the day, here's what mattered, abuser:

I tried my best (even if it was a bit quick/immature to do so) to make you feel loved, beautiful, special, proud of yourself... But you, you tried your best to hurt me, to break me down, to insult me, to treat me terribly. And you suck for that. You shoulda just let me go. No need to break me in the process.

Jerk.

I( 27F) have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years, but he physically abuses me. Our families are discussing marriage. Should I leave?
I’m 27F, and I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost five years. He is an IIT graduate, professionally well-established, and an only child. I come from an established Marwari family, and he is from Bihar.
For the longest time, I genuinely believed we would get married. He can be incredibly caring and loving, and I do believe he has strong feelings for me. He often says that he has nobody in this world apart from me, and because he is an only child, I feel responsible for his emotional well-being. This makes the situation much harder for me.
He told his parents about our relationship in 2025, but they were initially unwilling to agree to the marriage. I returned to India in September 2025. I told my parents about him in February 2026, and they agreed to the marriage within about a month.
However, his parents kept postponing things, giving different reasons, including relocation plans and his mother’s health. After months of waiting, we finally met his parents in September 2026.
They invited us for a private dinner, but I felt that I was bullied and humiliated during the meeting. I had hoped things would improve once the families met, but instead, I came away feeling even more uncertain about the future.
The biggest issue, though, is my boyfriend’s behaviour.
He can be extremely aggressive during arguments. He sometimes beats himself with objects when he gets angry, and he has also physically assaulted me multiple times. He hit me on my birthday, and he hit me again today. He also body-shames me, degrades me, and sometimes behaves as though his educational and professional achievements make him superior to me.
I keep trying to understand him because I know his caring side. I keep thinking about the five years we have spent together, our plans for marriage, and how difficult it would be to walk away from everything we have built.
Part of me wonders whether his aggression comes from emotional issues, family circumstances, or difficulty controlling his anger. Another part of me is frightened about what my life would look like after marriage if this continues.
I also feel confused because he can be so loving and supportive at other times. I don’t know how to reconcile that version of him with the person who hurts and humiliates me.
My parents have agreed to the marriage, and I am struggling with the thought of telling them what is really happening. I am also scared of throwing away five years of my life and later wondering whether things could have changed.
My questions are:
Can a man genuinely love you and still repeatedly abuse you?
Is there any realistic reason to believe this behaviour will change after marriage?
Am I making excuses for him because I am emotionally attached and have invested five years in this relationship?
If you were in my position, would you end the relationship, even if he promised to change?
How do I move forward when I still love him but am beginning to fear what our future could look like?
I am looking for honest advice from people who have experienced similar situations. Please be direct with me. I don’t want to make a life-changing decision based only on my emotions, but I also don’t want to ignore serious warning signs simply because we have been together for so long.

I (30F) have been with my bf (32M) for 5 year. He was the sweetest partner ever for the first year of our relationship, but it’s gone downhill ever since. One of the biggest turning points was after he met my abusive family. My mom is probably a narcissist (no formal diagnosis but fits the description perfectly), and she clashed hard with my boyfriend. I already had 1 foot out the door with my parents but their fighting lead me to cut ties with them. My parents wanted me to break up with him, he wanted me to cut them off. I cut them off.

I’ve had therapists over the years tell me I am being abused by my boyfriend, emotionally and not directly physically but physically (cornering me, punching holes in walls, throwing things etc) but lately my boyfriend has been telling me I am the abusive one.

He points out ways that I’m behaving like my abusive mom, ways that I’m just like her, ways that I am manipulating him (for example: ordering food for the both - he’s unemployed - as a form of love bombing to make him feel indebted to me and taking advantage of his dependence on me financially) I always felt I was doing something kind, but lately I’ve been questioning my own behavior if it’s something toxic I subconsciously picked up from watching my mom manipulate circumstances to get her way. He often says I am playing the victim, like my mother, to make him seem like a monster and deflect accountability for how my actions caused him to react the way he does.

I am very confused and just wondering how someone can tell if they are the abuser or not. I’ve spent so many years of my life trying to be nothing like my mom, but I also know she always made me feel like the problem so I’m just confused.

Hi guys, I'll try to keep this as short as possible although there's a lot I could say...

I'm 24 Femal from Morocco, I have a bachelor's degree in finance, and for the past month, I've been trying to survive on my own after running away from my fathers home.

I lost my mother a while ago, and ever since then life hasn't really been the same I grew up in a very strict religious family especially when it comes to my father..

He has always been controlling, but things got much worse when he started insisting that I marry a man he knows who's almost 20 years older than me.

I barely knew this man, and the idea of spending the rest of my life with someone I didn't love, someone old enough to be my father terrified me.. But my father didn't care about what I wanted, To him it was already decided and my opinion didn't really matter... And as an agnostic girl who was trying to hide her ideas and thoughts and acting the whole time around him.

I refused multiple times, hoping he would eventually understand but instead, things became unbearable at home. The arguments turned into threats, and I started feeling like a prisoner

Eventually, I realized that staying meant accepting a marriage I never wanted, so I made the hardest decision of my life and left and he said if I stepped outside the door he won't accept me as a daughter for the rest of life..

It's been around a month now, and as I just graduated I couldn't find a decent job and couldn't even rest mentally to start thinking straight tbh

At first, I stayed with a friend for a few days, but I couldn't keep depending on her, so I moved to another city, hoping to start over somewhere nobody knew me.

And God, I had no idea how cruel the world could be to a young woman who's completely alone.

It feels like almost everyone I meet wants something from me... Some men pretend to care about my situation offer help and then eventually reveal what they're actually expecting in return

Others see my vulnerability as an opportunity to take advantage of me

I managed to find a job in a hotel but even there I couldn't feel safe.. A coworker started harassing me and I eventually resigned because I was terrified of things getting worse.

Now I'm struggling financially, emotionally, and mentally. Some days, I barely have enough energy to get out of bed, let alone figure out how I'm supposed to rebuild my entire life.

The worst part is that I've already attempted suicide twice since leaving home. I'm not proud of admitting that, but I don't want to pretend that I'm doing okay when I'm clearly not. There were moments when the loneliness, fear, and hopelessness became so overwhelming that I genuinely couldn't imagine another way out.

I keep thinking about my mother and how different everything might have been if she were still alive. Maybe she would've protected me, maybe she would've listened, or maybe I would've at least had someone to cry to when everything started falling apart.

Sometimes I even catch myself wondering whether marrying that man would've been easier than living like this. Maybe I could've endured it for a while and eventually gotten divorced I know how terrible that sounds, but when you're constantly fighting just to survive you start questioning every decision you've made.

I spent years studying, dreaming about becoming independent, building a career, and having a normal life. And now, at 24, I feel like I've lost everything before my life has even properly started.

I don't have a family to turn to, I don't have financial stability, and I'm slowly losing the little confidence I had left.

I'm not writing this to ask for just money or sympathy I just needed somewhere to let everything out because keeping it all inside is destroying me... I will be homeless at the end of this month and that make me wanna just get relieved from all this pain and put a conclusion of this suffering.

I just wanted to rest and think and look for jobs while Im in stable situation, I live now with the worst roomate u could have and even tho I'll miss having a bed and bare minimum life cuz I lost hope that I will build my life again

I’m sorry that it took me this long to see how bad things have gotten. I’m sorry that it took me this long to start packing my things and leaving. I wish that people knew how hard it is to not only be in an abusive relationship, but to release yourself from one. The fear that comes with it. The fear of retaliation. If he hurts me now, what is he willing to do later on? If he threatens me now and is psychologically abusive, how far is he willing to go to make my life hell once he catches on to the fact that I’m leaving? So many people want to judge someone like me, but if they haven’t been stuck in a spiderweb like this, they can’t really begin to tell me what I should or shouldn’t have done. I wish they would have listened and not casted such harsh judgement onto me. My own family won’t talk to me. All because I admitted that he was abusing me. It was a call for help. I didn’t know where to begin or how to free myself. I just wanted someone to hear me. But I guess this is something that will help me gain my strength back. Something that I will have to figure out on my own. I know that fire in me is still there. It’s just not as bright because it was dimmed from the fear. I realized that I can’t let fear stop me from living. I deserve to have that fire burn bright in me. I don’t need to hide it because I lived with a monster who couldn’t recognize or tolerate the light. I will emerge from this darkness. And when I do, I will prove every single person wrong that doubted me or abandoned me in this time of weakness. Yesterday I packed my things. I started the process of physically releasing myself from his grasp. I’ve been preparing mentally for a while. But the physical part feels so scary. Last night he grabbed me. He also reminded me that he could end me emotionally, physically, and mentally. I’m sorry that I was blind for so long. And I’m mostly sorry to myself. I should have had more self worth and never let a monster take that away. Today is the first day of my new life. And the rest of my life. I’m taking back my power. I will find my peace again. To anyone who is going through something similar, just know i am here rooting for you. I’ll be your cheerleader. Don’t let anyone take away your light. Go find it. And go find all of the reasons why life is worth living.

With love,

The new me✨💕

(My ex, my current partner, and myself are all women in our early 20s)

My relationship with my (physically, sexually, emotionally, etc etc abusive) ex officially ended just over two years ago, and I was able to go fully no contact a year and a half ago. My new partner and I have been dating for a couple of months, and her and I were close friends before getting together. Obviously dating again after significant abuse is hard, but my current partner is very understanding and is helping me process.

One thing I am struggling with and don’t know how to address, though, is that I am struggling to fall asleep next to my current partner. By the end of the relationship with my ex, I was barely sleeping due to the stress and fear. Now that I’m with my new partner, even though I know that I’m safe, I find that I’m back to my old sleeping patterns. It takes me hours and hours to fall asleep, and when I finally do, I’m waking up many times in the night. It’s starting to impact my daily life- I’m exhausted at work (dangerous considering my job), taking naps during the day, and going to sleep extremely early every night she’s not here.

I know the best thing for me to do would be therapy, but that is not financially possible at the moment. Even if it was, my work schedule makes it nearly impossible to schedule regular appointments. Does anyone have any suggestions of other things to try? Workbooks, things to read, tricks that helped you?

Thank you in advance!

Hello, i posted this orignally in the advice subsreddit, but believe people in this sub would understand my situation better, and manage to offer a number of different opinions in how to follow.

I'm very lost, and i don't have anyone to rely on right now, and i need advice very desperately. I want to keep my identity vague, and will simply add that i am an adult. I am sorry if my explanation doesn't make a lot of sense. i've been very stressed lately, and it's making my attempts at talking and typing somewhat incoherrent.
I have been exchanging emails with my university's therapist. Originally, i was hoping to schedule an appointement with her, and get advice from her. During our exchange, i briefed her on my situation, which i won't deny is one of abuse, primairly emotional and psychological, which she concurred on, but it has been physical in the past, when i was a child. I presented to her a timeline, and mentioned during our email exchange that (which i believe to be true, and with reason) old abusive behaviors that my family used against me may be used again.
Right now, the most pertinent issues for me are my lack of autonomy (i stress again that i am an adult. i am of legal drinking age in the US. i do not wish to state the exact number of my age for privacy reasons, but that should give you an idea of what level of autonomy the type of adult i am typically should have), i am not allowed to leave the house if the location i want to travel to doesn't please my parents. i am typically chaperoned when i do. the only times i am not chaperoned is when it is related to university.
my privacy is constantly threatened. i am also threatened with physical violence, but this only during arguments. The reason for this is because my parents view me to be a child, mentally speaking, something they've stated verbally. I am not mentally delayed, i am not disabled in any way. there is no justification for this belief.
The university's therapist obviously incited me to call the national (i live in an european country) emergency number for DA victims, but it feels like a betrayal to the moducum of peace i have at home. i'm scared the situation will worse. all i really want is to find a middle ground with my family. i don't know what to do. That's why i'm seeking advice here, which is really pathetic, but i have no one else to seek advice from. My parents aren't bad people, and i don't wish them any ills or harm, but they're nuking any chance of my social and academic life from becoming anything worth actually living with their restrictions, and my mental health, and, subsequently, my physical health, with it. talking with them doesn't help, and typically makes the situation worse. but, i really don't think my situation is severe enough to warrant calling the hotline, either.

I will add, that i have a sibling, who partly raised me when i was a teen. my parents threw me at them, while they were immigrated in a different (also european) country. To this day, this sibling has authorative power over me. They also have a job within the legal system that might make this situation more complicated.

I do want to call the DA, ultimately. I guess i'm more afraid of what consequences may lie in the future if i do. I know this people might tell me that the professionals i will enter in contact with are especially trained to deal with cases where X denies what Y says, and whatnot. But that's in theory, and in practice, well, things are more complicated. I just don't want my situation to become worse, i guess.

hey so I was in a 3 year abusive relationship where he almost killed me 3 times. It’s been very hard to sleep I keep dreaming memories of what he did to me/of him and I. Music is what helps me a lot but everything I listen to makes me miss him instead of making me feel better, any good song recommendations to help me through this rn?

I hesitated to post this because I don't want to trigger anyone who has been through similar experiences. My heart genuinely goes out to those of you who have experienced abuse.

I 29F been dating 30M for a short time who initially seemed very genuine and kind. However, there were a couple of occasions when he made disrespectful comments toward me. He also seemed to downplay his criminal history which made me uncomfortable enough to trust my gut and do a background check. What I discovered was deeply concerning. I found multiple criminal records involving assault, including a charge for assault and battery against a family or household member. He hadn't disclosed everything I found and I was left wondering what else I didn't know. I understand that an arrest or charge doesn't automatically mean someone is guilty and I did find a case that was dismissed. Still, the overall picture raised serious concerns for me. When I confronted him about things, we ended up arguing. After I ended things, he called me a demon and said I deserved to burn in hell. He sent text after text insulting me and telling me how much he hated me. I also discovered that he had taken his personal drama to public social media.

Needless to say, I decided to walk away and he is now blocked. I understand that people can change but I also believe that I'm allowed to protect my peace and take concerning behavior seriously. I know he is on probation for three years in my state which makes me hope that he respects my decision and stays away. Part of why I'm posting is that I've been in a relationship with a narcissistic person in the past. One of my biggest weaknesses is seeing the best in people, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and sometimes giving far too many chances when I should walk away. I think I know deep down that ending this was the right decision, but I could really use some reassurance from people who understand these situations.

How do you learn to trust your gut without second-guessing yourself or feeling guilty for walking away?

*fyi im in psych care, therapist + psychiatrist who are well acquainted with me for years, am in treatment

VERY long/convoluted history with baby daddy of my 9mo. We were close friends/fwb since middle school for 13 years now, currently both 26. To my shock and sadness, I learned when we moved in and had our son he was a drastically different person than I thought for 13+ years, honestly still can't fathom or process it. but I have to face the fact he's an imminent safety threat to us both (my baby and I). The cruelty and coldness and violent behavior is giving me nightmares, unrelenting panic, and will probably haunt me for a very long time. Im just so f*'n scared. Im so devestated and so so scared.

I live in WA state. We weren't married, so abuser BD signed "acknowledge of parentage" form when baby was born, he's on our son's birth certificate as the father. My son has his last name. After the horrific things that happened these past months, we're now seperated. I truly don't think it's likely, but my major fear is at some point due to family pressure and ego that BD might bring me to custody court in the coming years.

Other than my own journal-type documentation and a few camera roll photos and witness testimony, I don't think i could "prove" his abuse in court if it came to it.

So here's my question.

If we don't have any formal agreement currently, not a ton of contact but baby is with me...

What would happen if I found a way to just leave the area with no notice and 'disappear' to a different state/location if I could?

Would BD have a way to track us down if he so chose eventually to try being re-involved? Like, if I just went far away in our current both parents have a legal right state, but he's gone and I disappeared with our son without warning, could I just do that...?

I (29F) have been married to my husband (29M) for 5 years, we are still married. We used to be dual military, but I am the only one still in the military. I actually enjoy the distance every now and then because I have "me" time. I have been smothered in the past by men who need constant reassurance and ego building and I can only build up my partner so much, there's got to be a point where they do it themselves. So, my husband was a breath of fresh air. Allow me to start with the good, before I get into the bad. Please note I firmly believe in giving credit where it is due and trying to objectively look at the good where I can.

The good, the WHY I fell in love with him:

1. He met my personal physical/look requirements (I know looks aren't everything).

2. He's a man of faith.

3. He had ambitions and is someone who would not deter from achieving his goals. He always seemed to have a plan of what's next.

4. He speaks his mind and doesn't sugar coat anything.

5. We shared common hobbies and interests such as gaming, climbing, camping, fitness... etc.

6. He wasn't judgmental of my free spirit past... if you catch my drift.

7. He wants a big family, a love and strong marriage like our grandparents who have celebrated 50+ years of marriage.

Note: I was okay with doing the rushed military wedding because I was joining the military and spouses are more likely to be stationed close together. We kept it secret, it was fair which I agreed, but before we got married, we also agreed that later he would still ask for my father's hand in marriage, propose and do all they typical lead-up to the wedding when we had the money saved which we planned for 3 years... he never saved a dime. He claimed he was too poor after bills to contribute even when I told him it would mean the world to me if he contributed $5.00.... While I contributed anywhere from $50 to $200 each check. He said it wasn't worth is and that he would do the saving himself. Surprise we are 5 years in and the savings we have are only my contributions.... I never brought up that imbalance instead I tell him that I would like for him to contribute to our wedding and he joking complains, "why we're already married, what is your dad going to say? No? we're already married. Why don't we just do a backyard trailer wedding. Or we just don't do one." I tell him that hurts me because my family was hurt after our elopement.

The Bad, the rose-tinted glasses are no longer rose-tinted:

He's an alcoholic, I overlooked his alcohol consumption because he was functioning and to me it's hypocritical to ask someone to be sober when I still consume alcohol. The frequency and amount are vastly different, our mindset about drinking is extremely different. I'm a go out to a nice dinner and have 1-2 cocktails once or twice a month if that. I have months of sobriety as well. He is a grab a case or handle of whatever and have a drink every night, but the drink is actually 4-5 shots of liquor per drink.

• A majority of our arguments were when he was drunk (90%), or at a minimum tipsy. They are always circular conversations and never ending (not physical). In arguments he clenches his fists, glares/scowls at you while heavy breathing, he's stormed out of the house, he's punched his limbs, he grits his teeth (all behaviors I have told him are aggressive in nature) and he's impossible to speak and reason with. He squats down and talks to me like how you see moms squat down to talk to a child. You can't walk away because then he goes on rants about how you are being disrespectful and he will never let anyone disrespect him because he's not some spineless man (He's called me weak and spineless for walking away in an attempt to deescalate an argument). He dumbs me down to an "emotional woman" and I can't understand and will never understand him because I'm a woman.
• Improvement: He has been going to therapy and has improved in his communication and has acknowledged that he drinks to forget his own struggles and drinks to comfort the pain he is in because the military did a number on him physically. He drinks less now, but after 5 years it has gotten to the point where even if he takes a sip, talks about a drink, or orders a drink at a restaurant I am disgusted with him. I find it revolting. He also has said he will never give up drinking because he likes it too much.

He has a lot of anger and suppressed hatred.

• He loves to claim he is bigger, stronger and better than any man out there with a 6th grade education. He doesn't like going out in public because people start problems and the world is evil and full of people who don't know how to watch their mouths because they don't know why they are talking to. Plus, people always love starting fights with him. He loves the idea of conquering man, a warrior's mindset. He is so judgmental and laughs at other people's expense. He'll call my friends fat or mock my family, and I told him to stop or lay off, and he thinks it's okay because he speaks the "harsh" truth about his friends and family.
• Commentary: He is going to therapy, but this is an area with slow improvement from what I've seen. I have basically spent 5 years of my marriage alone. We only go out for an anniversary dinner or when his parents visit once a year for about a week, but even then, we only go out in public 2-3 times during their week and a half visit. Since I go out so often by myself (these are activities like grocery shopping all the way to something like dancing) he often says that I have freedom to do whatever I want when I want, I run around and do anything with no restrictions so he doesn't understand why I'm unhappy. I've communicated multiple times that I want companionship, and he says things like you don't need two people to do things, and we can spend time together inside on the couch because he doesn't want to deal with reckless people in public places.

He lost his direction when he got out of the military (3 years ago). I told him he had a year to relax, take care of himself, go to the VA and figure out what is next that will inspire him because he was a military career mindset and when that got taken away, I knew the transition would be hard. During those 3 years, he failed 3 semesters of college and hid that from me, he would also get mad when I would encourage his education saying, to stay out of his life. He ended up dropping out twice, talked about a trade school, didn't register, had a part-time job for 1 month, quit because he made more going to college with the GI Bill. Ended up with debt because he failed to uphold his end for the GI Bill. He ended up in a not so happy mental state in a deep deep deep deep pit of the mind. I know I can't change people, but he wasn't the ambitious man I married so I told him about community events, martial art classes I would pay for, I would cook his favorite meals, bring him silly balloons and leave uplifting notes and ask him to do easy things so he knew he was needed. Plan indoor date nights, bring him back the church flyer so it was like he "attended" with me. switched to virtual church so I knew he heard the message. Honestly, I did anything I could think of. I know love isn't perfectly returned, and I know I can't expect someone to love me how I need to be loved when they are down, but how much more can I take? I feel so isolated and out of synch with him. I'm over it. I feel guilty for thinking about divorce during this low point... even now I still think about splitting from him.

I make enough to support us and he has his disability. He said he was okay with being a house husband, but we live in filth. The house gets deep cleaned on weekends when I am home. I ask for help and I'm told all I do is complain. I explain how it really helps me if _____ is done and it's forgotten about. He always says I'm mean and angry, stomping around looking for stuff to complain about with some mean face (I have RBF). He does it jokingly, its brought up in arguments. I tell him he is probably creating this image about me that is negative because he only every jokes/comments about how angry I am. When I say the ratio of his jabbing jokes far exceed compliments from him he says he doesn't see the point to compliment when he gets criticized for complimenting me. I try explaining that it is all in the timing. I comment on his jab/compliment ratio and then immediately following I get flooded with random compliments for the next day. I make a comment about how that doesn't feel genuine (some of the compliments are in a goofy accent) and he gets annoyed. I thank him for his effort and try to explain why I am not being receptive to his effort and then its, "Well that's just how I am, I can just not talk to you, you knew what you were getting when you met me. You know I'm not an emotional person; I make jokes at everyone and everything. What I have to walk on eggshells when I talk to you?" Needless to say, it's exhausting.

I got a therapist because he was working on himself with therapy and I didn't think it was fair if I didn't look at myself, plus I keep thinking to myself, "maybe I'm not communicating clearly, maybe I'm bringing all of my anger and stress from work home, maybe I'm not patient, maybe I'm not being empathetic, maybe I've preemptively closed my heart from past baggage and I'm not working on the marriage, maybe I speak in a bad tone and hold grudges, maybe I dig up the past." and I've put in work because I feel crazy in this marriage. Of all the sacrifices I made to be with him, and I can't get a partner willing to do the bare bones basics in return? My therapist told me that it sounds like I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship and I'm in denial. It doesn't feel true to me.

I guess all of this to say is this enough? Is Emotional abuse or whatever rut my marriage is in worth walking away? Is this just normal lows? I know it is my decision to make in the end, but my faith is giving me mixed messages. It says to stay married because we have remained faithful but on the other hand there is countless scriptures that point out how you shouldn't associate with people who do evil. (Evil meaning non-Godly things) Which to me is someone who drinks until they pass out multiple times a month, can't control their drinking or quit, who speaks in vulgarities (he has a sailor's mouth) People who are unkind, impatient, and unloving. If we go down to the vows, yes there is sickness and in health but you are also to cherish and hold your spouse which we maybe sleep in the same bed on average 7 days out of the year (Note: The military pulls me away from the home about 2 months total in a laid-back year).

Anyways I just wanted to vent and spill my woes. I feel like I'm coexisting and forcing myself to enjoy our time together in hopes my heart will soften again, but I'm exhausted and disinterested. TBH this is probably not the right r/ I just posted here because I was told this is an emotionally abusive relationship.

Being in a relationship without trust, commitment, or peace is exhausting, especially when your partner keeps cheating, lying, and making you question your own instincts.Sometimes, you stay calm, observe the red flags, and wait for clarity. Then the evidence comes, the pieces fall into place, and you finally find the strength to choose yourself.You realize you don't need more explanations, excuses, or apologies. The truth becomes your closure, and walking away becomes your peace.

❤️ If you're navigating an abusive or unhealthy relationship and need someone to talk to, I'm here to listen without judgment. Whether you need clarity, emotional support, or help figuring out your next steps, feel free to reach out. You don't have to go through it alone. 🫂

TW: Domestic abuse, coercive control, substance abuse, physical aggression

I'm looking for some objective advice because I'm genuinely unsure how to handle this situation.

A few years ago, I was romantically and sexually involved with a woman. We were never officially in a relationship, but we were close and had an intimate connection. Eventually, life took us in different directions.

We recently reconnected when she reached out to me during a particularly difficult time in her life. She told me she was in an abusive relationship and wanted to leave her boyfriend.

According to her, he's extremely jealous, regularly monitors her phone, accuses her of cheating, and becomes unpredictable when drinking or using drugs. She also disclosed an incident where he became physically aggressive with her. She explicitly told me she was afraid of him.

As we continued talking, our previous romantic and sexual connection resurfaced. We exchanged intimate messages and discussed potentially being together again. I'm including that context because I want to be transparent about my personal involvement and acknowledge that my feelings might influence how I'm interpreting the situation.

She explained that she wanted to leave him but was struggling with circumstances that made leaving difficult. I encouraged her to seek help and provided information about domestic violence resources.

Then she stopped responding.

It's been several weeks since her last message. I've reached out multiple times asking whether she's okay, but I haven't received a response.

Under ordinary circumstances, I'd assume someone had lost interest or simply didn't want to communicate anymore. I'd respect that and move on.

But these aren't ordinary circumstances.

She specifically told me that her boyfriend monitored her communications, that she had limited opportunities to contact me privately, and that she was afraid of what might happen when she returned home.

I'm concerned that he may have discovered our correspondence, that she's being prevented from communicating, or that something worse may have happened.

I've contacted a domestic violence support organization and am awaiting guidance. There are sensitive personal circumstances that make involving law enforcement potentially complicated, and I don't want an attempt to help her to inadvertently make her situation worse.

I don't know her exact address or anyone nearby who could check on her.

I'm struggling to distinguish between legitimate concern for her safety and the possibility that she has simply chosen to stop communicating with me. I don't want to violate her boundaries, but I also don't want to ignore warning signs if she genuinely needs help.

What would you do? Would you pursue a welfare check, wait for the domestic violence organization to respond, or accept that she may have intentionally cut contact?

\---

TL;DR: A woman I was previously romantically involved with recently reconnected with me while trying to leave an abusive relationship. We rekindled our intimate connection, but she stopped responding several weeks ago. She previously disclosed physical aggression, controlling behavior, and fear for her safety. I've contacted a domestic violence organization but am hesitant to involve police because of sensitive personal circumstances. I don't know whether she's intentionally avoiding contact or potentially in danger. What should I do?

I met my ex when I was 18 and he was 32. We started dating when I was 19 and he was 33. We met while I was a student, at a time when I was still unsure whether I wanted to go to med school. My uncle knew him because he was a surgeon at a fairly known hospital. I had been working at that hospital once a week for a little over a year (between the ages of 18 and 19) as a student. He was the main doctor I reported to, and I guess you could say I had a crush on him, although it was probably more admiration than anything else. I idolized him because he basically represented everything I wanted to become.

Long story short, he ended up writing me a letter of recommendation for med school while I was still working at the hospital (I was rejected but got in the following year).

Keep in mind that throughout my entire time there, he had a girlfriend who was his age. They even moved in together and bought a house while I was working there. At some point, he started flirting with me, but I genuinely thought I must have been imagining it. There was no way this man, whom I practically saw as a god, could actually be flirting with a 19 year old, starry-eyed girl.

We ended up dating, and I had to leave my job at the hospital. I started med school the following year, when I was 20 and he was 34. We got married when I was 21 and he was 35.

My entire family was strongly against the relationship in the beginning. I was 19 and obviously still living at home, but I ended up moving out because I wanted so badly to be with him, and I couldn’t stand constantly fighting with my family over it. Once we got married, my family eventually calmed down and more or less accepted the relationship.

I made him my entire world. I told him things I had never told anyone before, including details about the abuse I experienced during my childhood and some genuinely horrible things I had lived through growing up. I had a really rough upbringing and I trusted him with parts of myself I had never shared with anyone else.

Less than a year into our marriage, I lost a family member to suicide, and it affected me really badly. I was also in med school at the time, which made everything even harder.

I started taking Adderall and other substances to help me focus and avoid falling behind and sleeping pills to calm myself down. It often caused really bad anxiety, agitation, and other issues which I regret. This went on for about four months before I finally stopped.

When he found out, because I told him myself, he was furious. He told me I had broken his trust, that he had put me on a pedestal, and that he could get into serious trouble as a prestigious doctor if anyone found out his wife was some kind of “druggie.”

I also want to mention that during those four months, I was severely sexually assaulted during a night out. Someone had slipped something into my drink, and I couldn’t remember everything that happened. I came home bleeding. It was really, really bad. As you can imagine this also made me depressed at times and I wasn’t always the best version of myself.

Anyway, you can probably imagine how much trauma I was dealing with at the time.

For the two years following those events, he repeatedly told me that I had broken something inside him, that I had ruined our relationship, and that he had put me on a pedestal and been prepared to give me everything, but that my actions had permanently changed how he saw me and our relationship.

I also started noticing some really disturbing behaviours. He openly admitted that he didn’t know what it felt like to experience empathy. He once commented that he could watch an animal being tortured and feel absolutely nothing, although he would consider it stupid because it wasn’t a “productive activity.” On another occasion he even made a comment about understanding why some men stab their partners to death.

Eventually he left me. The way I found out was that I came home one day and discovered that the house had been cleared out. It turns out he had been slowly moving his belongings out for the previous ten months. Whenever I noticed something was missing, he would convince me that I was imagining things or that I was insane.

We were together for five years, and I was his longest relationship.

I later found out that he had also been telling people in his professional circle that we were getting divorced during those last ten months, despite the fact that I had absolutely no idea. He had clearly been planning his exit for a long time because he’s genuinely obsessed with his reputation, and I suspect he figured that by slowly spreading the news over several months, the divorce wouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone once he actually went through with it.

I know this sounds so fucked up when I say it, but I still wonder whether I somehow did this to myself. He had eight other serious relationships before me and had lived with three other women, but I was the only one he ever married. After hearing stories about his previous relationships, I found out that he had also left some of his exes in similar ways.

He had convinced me that he had never experienced real love before meeting me, that I was the first person he had ever truly loved, and that he had chosen to trust me blindly.
According to him, I had basically shot myself in the foot. He had put me on this pedestal, been ready to give me everything, and I had ruined it all.

Am I a bad person? Did I really ruin everything the way he said I did?

He also spent months telling me that I was lucky he wasn’t a bad guy because my abandonment issues were so severe that an abusive person could easily take advantage of me. He even told me that I was the kind of girl pimps would prey on. And there’s genuinely so much more that happened throughout those five years. I feel like I could spend years writing about everything so this is really just a very brief summary.