He died december 2024. He preferred his 3 kids with his wife, rather than his eldest 2 with my mum.

Wife told me he made voice notes for "all" his kids. Apparently he forgot about my brother and I.

His wife tried not to hurt our feelings by saying she deleted them, but my younger siblings told me they got theirs.

He never made one for us.

I'm still so angry about this. He had just become a grandad from my brother 6 months earlier too. Didn't leave anything to us, nothing.

I didnt want money or anything like that. I wanted my grandads darts. Nobody in that house knew my grandad. It rightfully belonged to me or my brother.

I also wanted a hip flask and some aftershave. He collected them both, and I bought quite a few of them for him. They hold memories for me.

And finally, this is something that happened before he died. He was high on pain meds. He asked me to find his wallet. I called my stepmum and asked where it was. She told me, and I gave it to him. He tried to give my brother money for a takeaway cause me, brother, his wife and baby were there for most the day with him in hospice. I counted it for him, in front of his face, and put it back where it was hidden.

He looked at me and said "I knew you'd try and steal all my money".

I was honestely taken aback. I cant work due to rare illnesses and whatever, but ive never asked to borrow money. I feel like I'm quite financially secure if I'm honest. I just found it really upsetting. Is that what he thought of me? We never had the greatest relationship due to his words and actions, but i thought we were still pretty good. Apparently he didnt feel that way.

im more of a shy insecure person so this was kinda embarrassing.

we make out pretty much every night for the past week however last night he wanted to go lower. he asked me and i didnt respond so i guess he just took it as a yes.

anyway, felt nice obviously, just didnt expect it to happen.

should i continue seeing him?

I always felt this impending doom growing up that I will die before I turn 20, that 19 will be my last year on earth. Not sure why or where this specific thought came from, but I’ve always had it. I’ve been dreading my birthday. I turned 19 last month and what do you know- im in the worst place i’ve ever been mentally and on top of that I just made a huge life altering mistake I am not sure I can ever come back from. 19 has been so unbearable, I had such big dreams of moving away and starting a new life but that all seems impossible now. I don’t want to die. But I lost all my friends to college, I ruined everything, im completely alone. The fact that this is all happening to me the exact age I never thought I’d get past all seems like a cruel sign. I see no future where I turn 20

I'm a failure of a brother. I am the sibling of a deaf adult, and at 30 years old my sign language hasn't improved, but has actually gotten worse. I used to be able to have an entire conversation with my older brother when we were children, but now... I can barely manage to remember a single sign and struggle with keeping up whenever he or any other Deaf person signs at/with me. I am so ashamed. I am so embarrassed. I am so saddened when I see my older brother sitting alone and I can see the loneliness in his eyes and face whenever I or anyone else struggles to communicate with or translate for him. Why haven't I been able to find the time and make the effort to be better for my brother? Why the fuck is it so difficult to find affordable and consistent classes to learn? I remember when I started using SignSchool to learn and would come to him to show him my progress, the way he would smile and laugh and correct me towards using his preferred sign, but I couldn't even keep that up... I couldn't even remember the signs I leran. I can never remember. I am a failure. How ca I say I love my brother when I can't even learn sign langauge properly? How can I say I care for him when I can't even show him that he's not alone? How can I ever truly say I have his best interests in ind when I can't ever develop my skills? I'm a failure of a brother. ALl I want to and can do is cry. Why is it so difficult for me to learn, and stay committed?

I (M18) have been grappling with Transgender thoughts for around a couple months now. I’ve done every quiz I could find, and spent several days thinking and wondering.

For the life of me, I cannot understand whether or not I feel comfortable with my gender. It’s genuinely becoming a thing that scares me. It’s only heightened by the fact I see transphobic comments and people at every turn, so that makes it scarier. I really don’t know how I feel and that scares me. I’m afraid to figure it out. I’m afraid to not know. I don’t know what to do.

Ps: if you dislike, or for whatever reason hate transgender people. Please DNI.

I worked wayy too hard today. 20-hour non-stop work. I gotta go clean now. Worked over night and through the day. Despite having a condition, I feel like Im capable more than others. i feel crazy. I should just ditch chores tonight?

I don't even know why I'm posting. There's nothing anyone can do. I'm just looking for a fucking pity party or something.

I think it's time for me to say goodbye to this world. I'm a "tortured soul". My parents were lovely people that raised me to be a hippie creative basically. I have been in anguish almost everyday on this planet. I think society has lost the plot. We've lost our care of the earth, our care for humanity, anything. And this downfall has been documented across history. It's not just our generation, we're not special. No amount of psychiatric care has lessened these feelings. It's only helped me ignore or move past them, but that level of cope isn't a life I want to live.

Outside of that, I recently called off my wedding. That was horrible and stressful. I didn't even want it in the first place. Just a year of unnecessary stress coupled with depression. For nothing to happen in the end beyond thousands of wasted dollars. My "don't kill yourself" dog died traumatically this year too. My "friends" suck and are entirely unsupportive. I have no family.

I have nothing left to live for, and have wanted out of this world for decades now. I have tried. I tried to be happy, to find love. I tried to move on. I kept telling myself, it'll go away when I graduate... Or when I get a job... Or when I get a house... Or when I get engaged... I've hit all the milestones and it's not gotten better. I'm done.

I'm 28M and have never experienced a relationship with a woman. I don’t think I ever will. The thought of never having someone scares me. What if I grow old and never find a woman who loves me? It’s very possible because I’m not good looking at all, and I get ignored on dating apps. Life really sucks when you’re ugly.

I have never told a single soul irl I did this. I did not good things for money with men.

And I forgive myself. Escaping DV was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I had to get the money somehow. So I found men. Men who were willing to pay me for.. services. Money wasn't great but all helped contribute to me saving enough money to escape back then. And I then got a normal job. I did it.

Im safe now though Id be lying if I said my struggle was over. It isnt. I'm picking up a third job to boost my savings. I had a lot to pay off.

But... I forgive myself for what I did back then. For the longest time I felt dirty and low for resorting to it. But what else did I have? I applied job after job but who wanted me with no experience? People seem to think you apply and you magically get a job. You dont. We were a poor household and obviously the ones being violent towards me wouldnt have gave me pocket money. I did what was needed back then. I survived. I don't feel shame or guilt anymore.

I don't know if posting this there will be people trying to instill guilt in me or not. But atleast it won't work. I finally forgive me.

To start with some back story, I barely know my father, I was placed in foster care from 1-11 and never saw him then and rarely as an adult. I have quite a few siblings from both parents, but I know the names of my mom's kids. My dad on the other hand, I know most of the ones that he knows about, but there is probably more than he knows about. But I do have an older brother from him, that I know nothing about and neither does he. He knows hes at least 4 years older than me, but could be up to 7 years older. He doesnt know his name or birthday or anything else. Just a range of when he could have been conceived and that he exists. The story is that my dad got a marines wife pregnant and my dad had to move across the country to live with his mom afterwards (he was living with his father at the time). That's all the details, he doesnt know if the Marines wife stayed with her husband, if they have moved from the city where he was conceived, nothing. If he grew up as a military child, he could be anywhere, and even if he didnt he could have moved to my state, it is a decently popular one. I will probably never know this sibling and thats okay, I have 20+ others i do know and speak with. But I am terrified of accidentally dating. I have a lot of daddy issues and tend to lean towards older men, but the 5-7 years older than me is a common range for me to date and I would never know if he was sibling without a dna test. What if I fall in love with someone and hes my long lost brother? I haven't tried dating in several years out of fear of it accidentally being him even though i know the chances are slim to none. I dont know how to cope with this and have it stop interfering with my love life. I have enough worries about accidentally dating cousins because my family is huge, but it being a potential sibling is where my brain wont let me.

im not sad, not hollow, just longing. like nostalgia for something i havent had.

i really want a real connection with someone, a partner, someone close. tonight i feel like i NEED to run and NEVER stop, but my legs wont get off the bed.

my soul hurts. its something im really longing for a long time

My grandmother passed away in 2016. I have fond memories of her. She cared about me, liked doing things with me and gave me presents. I always knew her as a loving grandmother.

Recently, my dad told us something about his childhood that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about.
Apparently, there were times when my grandmother thought about ending both her own life and his when he was still a baby, because she wanted to be rid of him. We don’t know exactly what was going through her mind or the circumstances in which she said this, but just hearing about it was heartbreaking. My dad cried so much while telling us. My mum and I cried with him. Seeing him so upset over something from his childhood made me realise how deeply those words must have hurt him.

My grandmother was a hard woman, and I can see some of that hardness in my dad, too. But I never knew this side of her. I knew the grandmother who cared about me and made happy memories with me. Now, even looking at pictures of her feels different.
I know people are complicated, and I will never know the full story. But I can’t stop thinking about my dad as a little boy and how painful it must be to hear something like that from your own mother.

I still miss my grandmother, and I still cherish the memories I have of her. At the same time, I feel heartbroken for my dad. It’s strange to realise that someone who gave you so much love could have caused so much pain to someone you love just as much.

I don’t really know how to process this.

I don’t know why I’m actually posting this, but I think I need to start listening to my inner self more and just let freaking things out I guess. This actually started in 2018 when my Mom was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and our entire life and family were devastated. My mom was always this tiny, fast, lady with so much energy and capability. She looked a decade younger than she was, and had the sweetest spirit. Even though she could and maybe even should, she has never had a negative word to say about anyone. She knows it’s not for her to judge. And so, this diagnosis hit her, my sister, and me very hard.

My sister and I lost our Dad in 2006, and because of even more background drama, our Mom was the primary parent our entire life. (Mental health crisis, infidelity, secret half sibling, cancer and death. In mostly that order.) So it was me, my sister, my brother (who was mostly not around) and my mom. Bonded through trauma, we are incredibly close.

So, over the past 8 years we have watched my Mom slowly lose the ability to be herself. Anything that we find hard it is twice as hard on her. She went from shuffling her feet, requiring a walker, falling, to a wheelchair and unable to use the toilet unattended.

At the same time, she has shared a home with her mother, our Granny. Granny has slowed down as well, and our mother’s needs became too much that it was unfair for her to have to care for her child more than herself in her final years. It’s all just awful. We’ve had family stress and loss that dimmed their spirits and their bodies felt it.

So, we decided it’s time to move our Mom to a facility, and Granny would move to the nursing home in their town. My sister and I took it very seriously. We researched every facility we ran across, and somehow located an assisted living center with a specialty in Parkinson’s disease patients and rehabilitation. It’s awesome.

Okay, this is where the rant starts. My aunts, her two younger sisters, enter the picture. Before finalizing a unit it this facility, one sister, J, texts me. She lives easily 400 miles away and visits once a year says I need to finalize my mother’s will immediately and put her in a home because it’s unfair to Granny to take care of Mom. I tell her that her will is almost final, and that my sister and I are waiting to hear back from this facility and would have to wait until the unit is available. So it could be a month or so. They say, no, you have a week to find a place for her because Granny is out at the end of the month. I tell her we are doing everything we can.

That’s not good enough. Within this long, rambling, bipolar conversation I was told that I was a “loser that didn’t appreciate or care about Granny” that I was the “worst daughter ever” because I won’t choose the first available so Granny can take care of herself for a change. That I didn’t care about or consider Granny. Through that span of several minutes, I am berated with insults about my dad, our situation, and the innermost parts of myself. I was devastated. I had a panic attack and sobbed at my kitchen table trying to not engage in the dirt throwing… And it was a lot.

Finally, we land on today. The day they sell the house and sign the papers regarding assets being split between both ladies by what they contributed to the purchasing of the home, as well as the bills and repairs. My mom put in around 2/3 or 3/4 on everything mortgage and utility related (including phone and internet) while my Granny was providing the remaining amounts for repairs and groceries.

Well they want it split 50/50. Not the previously understood layout that was more 70/30. 50/50. NOPE. My sister pushes back and my mom’s OTHER sister, aunt P, says that we are ungrateful. We only care about the money. That Granny (who is almost 96) could and probably would outlive our Mom because she is healthier and in better condition. They insist Granny paid more on repairs but are unable to provide the invoices they are referencing. We push back again and provide the correct and accurate documentation that states otherwise and after a prolonged silence, we get a “you win.” WIN?! When were either of their futures ever a game? Like, Jesus CHRIST. WHAT?!

So, my sister gets a bunch of text messages from aunt P telling us that we should be grateful that her friend decided to buy mom’s house as if it was some sort of “favor” coded real estate investment. That she covered the divorce attorney’s fees for my mom after Dad left back in 1998. And that she paid for the moving company that moved my mom there in 2009. So we are ungrateful and only care about money.

All because we wanted to properly take care of our mom. Her sister.

Both sisters don’t call her to ask how she is. They don’t offer to help. They don’t offer to take her out and about and give her the ability to share more time with her. They don’t consider her. I cannot relate to a person or persons less. It doesn’t compute.

And I am just so angry and devastated because in the event that my mom were to pass, we would feel and be very alone. Alone in a family full of cousins, aunts, and uncles. And they’d be thriving in their comfortable lives while we pick up the pieces again.

Am I a shit person and I don’t realize it? If so, I will accept the criticism. Am I crazy to think they’re being hateful buttholes?

Okay y’all, goodnight. Hope it makes sense, I took a gummy lol.

I (27M) had a really close female friend (26F) who I consider one of my closest friends and with whom I shared one of the deepest friendships I've ever had. I've known her for over six years now. We were incredibly close and talked about everything. There were no limits and no judgment when it came to our conversations. So we often turned to each other for help and advice because we genuinely felt that we could talk openly about anything without being judged. She helped me through some really dark times, and I also helped her through her own struggles. This included relationship advice, too, on both sides.

After she got out of her previous relationship (which was really bad for her mentally and emotionally) sometime late last year, she told me at the beginning of this year that she had feelings for me and that she liked me. However, at the time, I wasn't in the right place mentally to be in a relationship because I felt like I couldn't give her what she truly deserves, I couldn't give her all of me. That said, I didn't shut her down either. I just responded playfully, something like "what would it be like for you if the feeling was mutual? haha". We also often flirted and teased each other, so it wasn't just casual friend talk, platonic conversations, but it never went as far as anything serious, like sexting.

Since then, I've worked really hard on myself to get to a place where I'm happy, mentally stable, and where I want to be. So I decided to tell her how I felt, because I thought the time was appropriate, given our history, conversations and everything we'd been through together. However, after I confessed my feelings, it turned out that she was seeing someone (something I didn't know about) and that she'd actually been in a relationship for seven months already.

After I confessed, she also told me that things weren't going well in her relationship and that she questioned on multiple occasions whether it was worth continuing or not, but that she is still hopeful that things will change and that the relationship will go back to how it was in the beginning. Some of the other things she shared about her relationship also made me feel really sad, because I couldn't help feeling that she wasn't valuing herself enough or at all, and is now going through many of the same things she experienced in her previous relationship which hurt her so much.

She then told me that one of her rules in a relationship is that her partner isn't allowed to talk to other girls if he knows he has feelings for them or knows they have feelings for him and that it wouldn't be fair to her partner if she didn't follow the same rule herself. So she essentially told me that things can't continue in any way between us.

I was also really careful about how I confessed my feelings to her too. I made it clear that I wasn't expecting anything from her, that she could take all the time she needed to think things through and that if her feelings have changed since then, then I am perfectly fine staying just friends, because I value our friendship so much.

I didn't confess my feelings just because I wanted to become her romantic partner, someone who could give her the love and appreciation she truly deserves and make her feel genuinely valued. Of course I would have been really happy if I could've became that someone, but I genuinely just wanted to be honest about how I felt, the same way she'd been honest with me earlier this year.

I'll obviously respect her decision. It's her right to decide what she wants to do, even if it hurts like hell. If she genuinely feels that this is what she wants and needs to make her current relationship work and this is what she feels is the fair thing to do for her partner, then that's okay. I fully respect that.

I just feel like shit now. I finally opened up about my feelings, which isn't something I do very often, and it feels like it has led to me losing my closest friend. She's someone who's been a huge part of my life and one of the people who helped me find the strength to keep going through some of my darkest times and get to where I am today. I guess I'm just struggling to come to terms with the fact that someone who means so much to me might no longer be a part of my life in any way, and I don't really know how to deal with that.

Whenever I have a conversation with someone online, I seek out all the information I can about them. I don't know if the correct sub for this but I really wanted to share.

This started as a safety thing, I didn't always mean for it to be like this! If I'm flirting with someone online, I just want to be certain they're actually who they claim. It's begun to be an issue though. I can completely trust a person and still attempt to find out everything I can.

The worst part is, I'm damn good at it! I accidentally found this guys graduation records from starting with his discord.i didn't even search for it purposefully, I was just hoping to find an Instagram! I accidentally found out how old this guy is and his old highschool. Now, I would never use this to dox a person! Don't get me wrong, I don't tell anyone else what I find out, I just keep it to myself. I don't know why I do this, but if I don't curiosity will kill me, because I'll know full well I can find out details about them if I want.

Now- should I try harder to stop doing this? I know I'm a bad person for damn near stalking these people online, I know it's optional and I can stop. Should I stop?

Not seeking advice, just ranting and encouraging those who are going through the same thing to rant as well. I am a 32F dating a 31M. My boyfriend is amazing in many ways. He is extremely hardworking, kind, caring, resilient, patient, strong, and can be very supportive. He is a good partner in several areas. He takes care of me financially, is fun to be around, makes me feel loved through his actions like his active listening when I talk, remembering little details of things I like, planning thoughtful dates, surprising me with gifts or trips, and moving his schedule around to spend time with me. We have great quality time. Our sex is really intimate and passionate. We are very physical with our love. Snuggling, holding hands, kisses, and hugs. Our physical intimacy is great. But omg our emotional intimacy…it is the biggest sore in our relationship. I can talk to him about most things. My past, my relationships with my friends and family, my job, my hobbies, my hopes and dreams for the future..but I can not lean on him for emotional support whatsoever when it comes to him or our relationship. If I express an emotional need or communicate something he did that I didn’t like I am met with defensiveness and avoidance. Rarely there is acknowledgment of my feelings and even more rarely is there accountability for what he’s done to hurt them. He’ll even say things like “I am not responsible for your emotional regulation”. Mind you he said this earlier today when I told him I was anxious to tell him something. After I told him i expressed that I was still feeling anxious which is when he gave me that reply. There was no warmth or comfort. There was very little reassurance. He said “you don’t have to feel that way”. I expressed how I’d feel more emotional safety with a response like “Babe, you never have to be afraid to tell me what's on your mind. I love you, and I want us both to feel comfortable talking about anything, especially our future." But then he gets offended that his efforts weren’t “good enough”. He talks to me/ handles me like a robot. There’s no warmth. No compassion. No willingness to learn me or understand me better. I will buckle down on my emotional needs not being met and then he will completely shut down, say he’s getting “overwhelmed” and will bail on me. I’m trying to be understanding and patient. He’s been through a lot of abuse in his life. Very heavy as a child. Not only physically but sexually as well. He wasn’t allowed to express his emotions and when he did they weren’t thrown in his face or twisted or weaponized by his father. He was also abused by his ex wife. So I try to be patient. I try to be understanding. I try to learn. But this shit feels lonely as hell.

I don’t use Reddit at all but I just needed this off my chest and maybe I was in the wrong and I need to be told that if that’s the case. I’m 20 and I am studying to be an elementary school teacher, it’s my first year.

I got handed an internship by my school for a kindergarten class. Since I have no experience and this would be my first time ever standing in a class like that, kindergarteners are pretty tough.

Here I met my Internship teacher, Katherine. Katherine is this older woman, late 50s maybe early 60s I’m assuming. Short choppy white hair and this fiery, straightforward almost scary personality. On my first day I was honest with her, I told her that I had no experience whatsoever and she said it would be fine. I guess from the start I did find her a little intimidating, but I just assumed I was nervous and wanted to make a good impression.

The first 2 internship days went okay, I did enjoy the kids a lot but she pointed out a lot of mistakes I made, which I appreciated. But as time went on I started to notice that she and I had very differing ideas on how to treat 4 year olds. I didn’t want to disagree with her since she was my teacher and had experience and I didn’t, but some stuff was just way too much for me.

I wasn‘t allowed to talk to the kids, that’ll distract them and that seemed valid. I wasn’t allowed to compliment them, I wasn’t allowed to help them when they asked because ‘they needed to figure it out on their own’ even when one began crying cause they hurt themselves I wasn’t allowed to help or comfort them because ‘they needed to get used to being hurt’. I guess she just wanted them to be independent but being that impersonal with them bothered me. There’s some more scenarios that freaked me out but I don’t wanna make this too long.

The day before my third internship day, I got the news that one of my long time friends had passed away from her eating disorder, after a while it’s hard to reverse the damage an eating disorder has caused and then you know it’s gonna happen but you just don’t know when. I was a mess to say the least and I just couldn’t bear the thought of standing in front of the kids while I was in such a state so I texted Katherine that someone in my life had passed and that I needed some time but that I did find it unfortunate I was missing days. She texted me back with just ‘Good luck!’ which I found a little strange but she is not obligated to care so it wasn’t a big deal.

On my what would be my fourth internship day, it would be my friend’s 1 week death-iversary as heavy as that sounds and while I thought I was ready I just couldn’t believe she had been gone for a week already. And here is where I went wrong, I was sulking so much I forgot to text my Katherine that I was not coming today either.

The next day I did go and when I saw her at 7:45 (school starts at 8:15 for the kids) I told her good morning and I tried to be cheerful, she scowled at me and didn’t say anything back. She sat down on a desk in front of me and told me to ‘explain myself’. So I told her all the details and the first thing she said was ‘so you knew it was going to happen?’ I explained to her that I kind of did but not really, I was just so stunned that she asked that.

She then went on about how I was irresponsible and unreliable for not texting her about being gone yesterday, I told her that I was very sorry and that it was genuinely a mistake. She said that as a teacher you should give it your all and that I just didn’t do that. That even if a thousand people died I should still be there, and she literally said ‘your friend may have died but she would’ve wanted you to move on’ and that did piss me off. She also said that she felt like I just didn’t have it to become a teacher even though I told her I had no experience and how could she even know that about me after knowing me for 2 days?

She said she never wanted to see me again and that I needed to leave right now before she got even more angry and caused a scene, I’m not sure what she meant by that. She said that she would contact my school on my behavior.

I left and just decided to contact my homeroom teacher myself, I told her what had happened and she said that Katherine was just crazy. She definitely was but I just wonder what I did to her that made her so angry? Is taking a week off to mourn something that doesn’t happen in the teacher space? I’m a very calm person and it seemed like every time I spoke up during the confrontation Katherine seemed to get even more angry, why is that? I’m so confused and feel bad about the whole situation.

I (27F) live with my best friend (28F) and her boyfriend (29M). She has been struggling with her mental health and neurodivergence recently. She had to quit her dream job due to a bad manager and life has been kicking her in the ass ever since. She struggled to find a job for nearly 5 months and ended up with a job outside her field that she hates, doesn’t feel like she can leave due to a myriad of factors (including but not limited to needing money, feeling like she doesn’t want to hurt the feelings of her boss cause she’s an exec assist, and finding a job feelings impossible right now) and has been working there for about three months now. At the same time, her OCD and ADHD have gotten increasingly worse and she is also chronically ill, which makes things that much worse. She is reacting to the tiniest things which make her explode with anger, she is crying a lot, she fawns whenever she thinks anyone is angry at her, and is persistently dysregulated. She is working on getting a new therapist that specializes in OCD, but it’s slow going due to how overwhelmed she feels with everything else. I desperately want to help her because I was in a similar burnt out/poor mental health state last year and the only thing that saved me was meds and a new job. But I don’t know how to handle her outbursts and her constantly assuming what I’m feeling about her and her OCD/anxiety is out of control. Her boyfriend is in the same place I am; he loves her very much, but doesn’t know what to do anymore. Everything and anything sets her off, everything is difficult, and life is immensely difficult at home with us trying to toe the line between supporting her through this and also still holding her accountable for her choices and actions. I don’t know what to do because I love her dearly but I feel like everything I do makes it worse or makes me angry.

So i (m35) am dating someone (f29)

She has told me that she doesn't want me watching porn because its a form of cheating (seems fair)

but (Yes there is a but) she says its ok for her to watch because it helps her when she's alone and its different because she's only watching 2 girls.

This has been a theme. I do something and she gets mad but when i bring up her doing the same thing she says its different.

I'm so angry that when it's my feelings you can throw it back in my face. Delete all forms of contact and go ghost. I am so angry that when it's me who isn't ready because of what has happened between us and what we both caused it means the door gets slammed shut.

I am SO angry at you.

Hey. I'm Brazilian, and I've been living in another country for three years. I think I'm depressed. I don't know if anyone's gonna read all this, but I need to get it out.

I've had OCD and severe anxiety attacks since I was 12. My compulsions have included hurting my hands, hitting my head, and messing with my breathing until I passed out. That last one happened twice.

I grew up with horrible, unwanted thoughts about death, demons, murder, mutilation, and even pedophilia. I never acted on any of it. The thoughts terrified me, but I didn't understand what was happening. I thought having them meant I was a horrible person. I had what felt like waking nightmares and asked to die more times than I asked to live.

That left me with a lot of self-hatred I still carry. It's hard to talk about because people have accused me of using my condition as an excuse, but I can't pretend it isn't part of my history.

Medication helped. The thoughts were still there, but I could tell them no, and they'd lose their grip. After I moved, my medication went from the equivalent of $20 to $75. I couldn't keep affording it and eventually stopped, though not cold turkey because I was scared of withdrawal.

Now, in 2026, my OCD is coming back hard.

I work part-time and make extra money through drawing and illustration, but I still can't support myself doing what I love. I've always been insecure and anxious, but I used to have hope too. Lately, I just feel numb, stuck, and unmotivated.

I'm gay and married. My husband is pretty much my opposite: practical, very rational, sometimes seemingly cold, but also supportive and always encouraging me to grow. When I had problems with my immigration situation, he immediately said, “Babe, we'll get married.” We hadn't even been together a year.

But before that, we broke up for a week. He'd been in an open relationship before me and said he could picture himself loving more than one person. I felt my heart break.

I grew up Catholic, and while I'm not some religious fanatic, monogamy and commitment matter a lot to me. I broke up with him the next day. This is my first serious relationship, and I was devastated.

Eventually, he asked to talk and told me, “I still think people can be polyamorous, but I know you're not. Being with you means being with only you, and that's what I want.” We got back together.

My dad died in May. He'd always been really homophobic, but I made it to Brazil in time to hear him tell me from his hospital bed that he loved me and wanted to meet my boyfriend. My partner came too, though a little later because of work. Just remembering my dad's words makes my chest tighten up.

Not long after that, we got married and moved in together. I didn't feel ready, but I did it.

Since then, I've become much more obsessive and jealous. Before, I figured that if everything went wrong, I could go home and get my old life back. But my dad is gone, my mom and sister are back in Brazil without him, and that life I imagined going back to doesn't exist anymore.

My husband pays about 70% of our bills. A breakup doesn't just mean losing someone I love anymore. In my head, it means losing my stability and the roof over my head too. Moving back to Brazil scares me, both because of the grief and because my working conditions and quality of life were worse there.

Still, my insecurities aren't coming out of nowhere. There are specific things that hurt.

He still has pictures with his ex on Instagram but hasn't posted our wedding pictures. I've been asking for five months. He says he wants to but hasn't had time or found the right moment. I've explained how important it is to me. Seriously, there hasn't been one moment in five months?

There was also a guy flirting with him. My husband mentioned me and wasn't openly flirting back, but when the guy said, “You're so handsome,” he'd reply, “Thanks, handsome.” To me, that leaves the door open. When someone hits on me, I shut it down out of respect for our relationship.

In two years, I've seen him get really drunk twice. Once, he almost ended up naked at a party. Things like that stick in my head.

Right now, he's in Mexico for work with a female friend who I feel brings out his “wild” side. There are parties after the events, and they drink. I'm so scared something will happen that'll hurt me that I end up feeling physically sick.

He tells me he loves me, only wants to be with me, and would never cheat. I believe him, but I can't let my guard down. Him not saying good morning is enough to ruin my day. I get on his case, he gets upset, I feel bad, and then I do it again. The cycle keeps going.

My OCD is using all of this as ammunition: “Do this, or he'll do that to you.” “Do that, or something bad will happen.” It feels like it's eating me alive.

I miss the intimacy too. He's been distant and has said several times that he feels too lazy to have sex. I miss him actually kissing me.

Once, we were at a party, standing close together with the lights around us, and it felt really romantic to me. I asked, “Aren't you gonna kiss me?” He said, “At some point.” I waited. Nothing happened.

He also usually avoids kissing me if I've eaten something. I care about hygiene too, but it feels like every kiss requires a whole toothbrushing routine and two minutes of mouthwash. I miss the spontaneity. It feels like everything has to taste like mouthwash.

He's more stressed too, feels financial pressure, and gets worn down by our fights, many of which start because of my insecurities. I recognize my part in it, but I also feel like some of his behavior feeds the problem.

It hurts watching him move forward while I'm stuck in a low-paying job, unable to support myself with my illustrations. Art feels like the only thing I'm good at, and even that isn't going the way I'd hoped.

I've become jealous, hypervigilant, irritable, and scared. I don't want to control him, but I don't know how to stop being on alert without pretending I don't care. Sometimes I think that if I didn't love him so much, it wouldn't hurt this badly.

I've thought about leaving because I'm not doing well, but then I wonder if that would be self-sabotage. I love him, and I don't want to walk away just because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I also don't know how much of staying is love and how much is fear of my life falling apart.

I know he isn't a bad person. I believe him when he says he loves me. But I keep preparing for disaster, as if suffering in advance could somehow protect me.

Sometimes I wish I didn't exist because it seems easier. But I want to be really clear: I don't want to die or kill myself. I want to live, and I want to have a good life.

I'm dealing with my dad's death, a job I don't want, fear about my future, dependence on my husband, and OCD that's coming back hard. I miss my family and friends. I keep blaming myself for everything, and I have no idea where to start.

I don't know if anyone will make it this far. But I think I needed someone to read this.

Thanks for doing that.

—Some random artist.

So, my dad and stepmom (B) got some property together out in the country, it had two houses. They later divorced.

There was a barn cat on the property, but he went missing (potentially due to my grandma's dog scaring him off). The mouse problem exploded, so Dad got two kittens. He did not get them fixed, and I couldn't convince him to, nor could the girlfriend he had at the time. He said he wouldn't mind having more cats. A couple years later, this turned into a colony that may have qualified as a cat hording situation, and I felt powerless to stop it. (Also, side note, those first two were siblings, but I think they got at least some genetic diversity from pre-existing toms in the area).

I know this colony should've never existed. He should've gotten the two cats fixed, or at least gotten all the girls fixed after the first litter or something. But it wasn't the cats fault they were born. And while they weren't socialized properly, I know they were good cats. We adopted one of them.

My now fiancee moved out here to be with me, and since we didn't have anywhere else to go, we moved in to the second house on the property. We were quite fond of the little guys. There were a couple we gave simple names/nicknames (silver floof, a grey fluffy tabby with no guard hairs in her coat, momma voidling, a black female with a distinct white-tipped ear, Damian, a male black cat...) There was also a solid grey cat, who looked like a cat my fiancee had lost before she moved.

Over a year later, my dad lost the property in the divorce. I won't go into detail with the legal situation, but suffice to say he got kicked off the property and we were next, and the property was to be sold. B (and some people she brought with her) occasionally came by the property.

I noticed a few things. First off, the number of cats around the property slowly dwindled. It's easy to think that since no one was feeding them, they moved on to greener pastures, and while I'm sure a few of them did, the thing is... there *was* food being put out for them by B, which is weird, because I know B was pissed about the state the property was in due to the cats.

They also had a live-catch trap out there, but I don't think B was at the property nearly enough for the explanation to be that they were humanely catching and surrendering them. In fact, while I saw the live-catch trap on the porch, I never saw it set or used.

One time, I looked at the cat food on the porch, and I saw lumps of something in the kibble. I wish I could give an accurate description of what the lumps looked like, but I didn't look that closely. All I remember was large lumps that clearly weren't from the kibble in the bowl.

When we were packing up the moving van, there were two cats hanging around. Pretty much the only ones we saw at that point. One was Damian, who my fiancee named. He was very friendly. She hoped he could go to a good home, and one of the guys who was going to be working on cleaning the property said he wanted to take Damian. The day we left, the two cats were gone, and I don't think the cleaning guy had come back to pick him up.

My fiancee was very sentimental about the home we were leaving (not just because of the cats) which surprised me a bit, but I didn't try to invalidate her. I'd moved several times throughout my live, and it wasn't that nice of a house, so I was fine, but she hadn't moved much in her life, and she was grieving. She sobbed and said "Fuck (B)! Fuck her!" And when we walked to the car to leave, she looked around the property, there were no cats, and she said "This place is dead."

Given how she reacted to everything, I never told her that I thought the cats were being poisoned. I know she would've been devastated, especially thinking about Damian and that grey cat. It's been a few months and I've kept it to myself.

Those cats deserved better than the life they were given. Poisoning animals like that is so inhumane, and has the potential to harm other wildlife. Going by a cursory google search, poisoning even feral cats is illegal, maybe I could've done something. I know that surrendering all those cats could've easily been over $1k, but there had to have been a better way.

Ever since i met my boyfriend my life has genuinely gone downhill, i once had so much confidence, happiness, and motivation, and it’s like he sucks the life out of me. We started dating early part of this year, and he’s like the good soft sweet guy, which i’m so into, but i believe he kinda just pretends to be that. Everything could’ve been perfect, till we started arguing so frequently because i always felt something wasn’t right. I’d drive myself insane trying to catch the smallest little thing to prove what i believed, which was that he was cheating on me.

it hurt so bad, because it’s like i knew all along, but seeing it’s true just hits differently.. i can’t even explain it. then what makes it worse is that this guy was cheating on me from the very start of our relationship, till the time i caught him. I’m so damn stupid and broken, because after everything was exposed i’m still in this broken relationship. My self respect has plummeted to the ground, and i don’t believe it’ll get any better till i get rid of him completely.

The hard part about that is he’s genuinely apart of me, he’s in every thought, every dream, all of my free time is with him, i’m nothing without him anymore and i hate it so much, i can’t believe i let myself get this way for a guy like that.

i tried atleast 6 times to leave him, but no one understands how hard it is, i understand he abandoned the relationship when he cheated, but it’s like i don’t have it in me to abandon him, then there’s just a cycle repeating and repeating, im so lost, i dream of being without him and finally being myself again, but i also dream about being with him and everything perfect like it should have been.

Recently i’ve been more into him, i don’t even believe it’s love, i could never continue to love a guy that does/did me that way, but it’s like my heart is attached to him.. every time i go he begs and spams me everywhere, i feel so bad and the bad ways i felt about him somewhat disappear, and im trapped again.

i can’t continue this, it’s ruining my life. I think I’ll have to block him everywhere as he sleeps, and when he wakes up i’ll be gone. It’s so cruel but i’ve tried everything. he isn’t getting better, he just hides it better. i’m tried of having a boyfriend that doesn’t really give a damn about me, i don’t want a boyfriend obsessed with anime girls, and laugh a racist jokes. that isn’t my husband, i’m tried of wasting time because i can’t let go, even though everything hurts me.

I haven't been feeling great for a couple of years I think but I'm putting out somewhat a happy face.

I feel like an imposition to talk about it with friends. I do want to go with a shrink.

Whenever my wife asks I just say I'm a bit tired or a bit stressed because of work.

I just constantly feel like me saying it will make it worse for me and everyone around and it's just best to keep it in.

I’m 19m and my friend is 19f. For background I’ve recently broken up with my girlfriend who I thought I was in love with but tbh the breakup was a long time coming, although i was still incredibly upset. During my breakup I’ve gotten a lot closer with one of my friends, she’s amazing and she can understand me in a way my ex girlfriend couldn’t. She helped me get over my ex and was there for me throughout. I feel like maybe she is making me realise what i actually wanted in a relationship, however she has a boyfriend. This has made me feel extremely guilty about my feelings, but last night she asked me to come over and we were lying in bed just chatting and the convo shifted.
Her and her boyfriend are long distance rn and she began implying that she wanted to break up with him, i didn’t say much because i know my feelings are bias and i want her to be happy, but i can’t help but wonder if the feelings are mutual? She has been talking about breaking up with her bf and she’s been clingy with me, that may just be her personality I’m not sure.
But i don’t even know if im ready atp for another relationship and i don’t want to be her rebound. Advice would be helpful.