r/emotionalneglect • u/limduria • Jun 25 '20

FAQ on emotional neglect - For anyone new to the subreddit or looking to better understand the fundamentals

2.1k Upvotes

What is emotional neglect?

In one's childhood, a lack of: everyday caring, non-intrusive and engaged curiosity from parents (or whoever your primary caregivers were, if not your biological parents) about what you were feeling and experiencing, having your feelings reflected back to you (mirrored) in an honest and non-distorting way, time and attention given to you in the form of one-on-one conversation where your feelings and the meaning of those feelings could be freely and openly talked about as needed, protection from harm including protection against adults or other children who tried to hurt you no matter what their relationship was to your parents, warmth and unconditional positive regard for you as a person, appropriate soothing when you were distressed, mature guidance on how to deal with difficult life experiences—and, fundamentally, having parents/caregivers who made an active effort to be emotionally in tune with you as a child. All of these things are vitally necessary for developing into a healthy adult who has a good internal relationship with his or her self and is able to make healthy connections with others. They are not optional luxuries. Far from it, receiving these kinds of nurturing attention are just as important for children as clean water and healthy food.

What forms can emotional neglect take?

The ways in which a child's emotional needs can be neglected are as diverse and varied as the needs themselves. The forms of emotional neglect range from subtle, passive behavior to various forms of overt abuse, making neglect one of the most common forms of child maltreatment. The following list contains just a handful of examples of what neglect can look like.

  • Being emotionally unavailable: many parents are inept at or avoid expressing, reacting to, and talking about feelings. This can mean a lack of empathy, putting little or no effort into emotional attunement, not reacting to a child's distress appropriately, or even ignoring signs of a child's distress such as becoming withdrawn, developing addictions or acting out.

  • Lack of healthy communication: caregivers might not communicate in a healthy way by being absent, invalidating, rejecting, overly or inappropriately critical, and so on. This creates a lack of emotionally meaningful, open conversations, caring curiosity from caregivers about a child's inner life, or a shortness of guidance on how to navigate difficult life experiences. This often happens in combination with unhealthy communication which may show itself in how conflicts are handled poorly, pushed aside or blown up into abusive exchanges.

  • Parentification: a reversal of roles in which a child has to take on a role of meeting their own parents' emotional needs, or become a caretaker for (typically younger) siblings. This includes a parent verbally unloading furstrations to their child about the perceived flaws of the other parent or other family members.

  • Obsession with achievement: Some parents put achievements like good grades in school or formal awards above everything else, sometimes even making their love conditional on such achievements. Perfectionist tendencies are another manifestation of this, where parents keep finding reasons to judge their children in a negative light.

  • Moving to a new home without serious regard for how this could disrupt or break a child's social connections: this forces the child to start over with making friends and forming other relationships outside the family unit, often leaving them to face loneliness, awkwardness or bullying all alone without allies.

  • Lying: communicates to a child that his or her perceptions, feelings and understanding of their world are so unimportant that manipulating them is okay.

  • Any form of overt abuse: emotional, verbal, physical, sexual—especially when part of a repeated pattern, constitutes a severe disregard for a child's feelings. This includes insults and other expressions of contempt, manipulation, intimidation, threats and acts of violence.

What is (psychological) trauma?

Trauma occurs whenever an emotionally intense experience, whether a single instantaneous event or many episodes happening over a long period of time, especially one caused by someone with a great deal of power over the victim (such as a parent), is too overwhelmingly painful to be processed, forcing the victim to split off from the parts of themselves that experienced distress in order to psychologically survive. The victim then develops various defenses for keeping the pain out of awareness, further warping their personality and stunting their growth.

How does emotional neglect cause trauma?

When we are forced to go without the basic level of nurturing we need during our childhood years, the resulting loneliness and deprivation are overwhelming and devastating. As children we were simply not capable of processing the immense pain of being left out in the cold, so we had no choice but to block out awareness of the pain. This blocking out, or isolating, of parts of our selves is the essence of suffering trauma. A child experiencing ongoing emotional neglect has no choice but to bury a wide variety of feelings and the core passions they arise from: betrayal, hurt, loneliness, longing, bitterness, anger, rage, and depression to name just some of the most significant ones.

What are some common consequences of being neglected as a child?

Pete Walker identifies neglect as the "core wound" in complex PTSD. He writes in Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving,

"Growing up emotionally neglected is like nearly dying of thirst outside the fenced off fountain of a parent's warmth and interest. Emotional neglect makes children feel worthless, unlovable and excruciatingly empty. It leaves them with a hunger that gnaws deeply at the center of their being. They starve for human warmth and comfort."

  • Self esteem that is low, fragile or nearly non-existent: all forms of abuse and neglect make a child feel worthless and despondent and lead to self-blame, because when we are totally dependent on our parents we need to believe they are good in order to feel secure. This belief is upheld at the expense of our own boundaries and internal sense of self.

  • Pervasive sense of shame: a deeply ingrained sense that "I am bad" due to years of parents and caregivers avoiding closeness with us.

  • Little or no self-compassion: When we are not treated with compassion, it becomes very difficult to learn to have compassion for ourselves, especially in the midst of our own struggles and shortcomings. A lack of self-compassion leads to punishment and harsh criticism of ourselves along with not taking into account the difficulties caused by circumstances outside of our control.

  • Anxiety: frequent or constant fear and stress with no obvious outside cause, especially in social situations. Without being adequately shown in our childhoods how we belong in the world or being taught how to soothe ourselves we are left with a persistent sense that we are in danger.

  • Difficulty setting boundaries: Personal boundaries allow us to not make other people's problems our own, to distance ourselves from unfair criticism, and to assert our own rights and interests. When a child's boundaries are regularly invalidated or violated, they can grow up with a heavy sense of guilt about defending or defining themselves as their own separate beings.

  • Isolation: this can take the form of social withdrawal, having only superficial relationships, or avoiding emotional closeness with others. A lack of emotional connection, empathy, or trust can reinforce isolation since others may perceive us as being distant, aloof, or unavailable. This can in turn worsen our sense of shame, anxiety or under-development of social skills.

  • Refusing or avoiding help (counter-dependency): difficulty expressing one's needs and asking others for help and support, a tendency to do things by oneself to a degree that is harmful or limits one's growth, and feeling uncomfortable or 'trapped' in close relationships.

  • Codependency (the 'fawn' response): excessively relying on other people for approval and a sense of identity. This often takes the form of damaging self-sacrifice for the sake of others, putting others' needs above our own, and ignoring or suppressing our own needs.

  • Cognitive distortions: irrational beliefs and thought patterns that distort our perception. Emotional neglect often leads to cognitive distortions when a child uses their interactions with the very small but highly influential sample of people—their parents—in order to understand how new situations in life will unfold. As a result they can think in ways that, for example, lead to counterdependency ("If I try to rely on other people, I will be a disappointment / be a burden / get rejected.") Other examples of cognitive distortions include personalization ("this went wrong so something must be wrong with me"), over-generalization ("I'll never manage to do it"), or black and white thinking ("I have to do all of it or the whole thing will be a failure [which makes me a failure]"). Cognitive distortions are reinforced by the confirmation bias, our tendency to disregard information that contradicts our beliefs and instead only consider information that confirms them.

  • Learned helplessness: the conviction that one is unable and powerless to change one's situation. It causes us to accept situations we are dissatisfied with or harmed by, even though there often could be ways to effect change.

  • Perfectionism: the unconscious belief that having or showing any flaws will make others reject us. Pete Walker describes how perfectionism develops as a defense against feelings of abandonment that threatened to overwhelm us in childhood: "The child projects his hope for being accepted onto inner demands of self-perfection. ... In this way, the child becomes hyperaware of imperfections and strives to become flawless. Eventually she roots out the ultimate flaw–the mortal sin of wanting or asking for her parents' time or energy."

  • Difficulty with self-discipline: Neglect can leave us with a lack of impulse control or a weak ability to develop and maintain healthy habits. This often causes problems with completing necessary work or ending addictions, which in turn fuels very cruel self-criticism and digs us deeper into the depressive sense that we are defective or worthless. This consequence of emotional neglect calls for an especially tender and caring approach.

  • Addictions: to mood-altering substances, foods, or activities like working, watching television, sex or gambling. Gabor Maté, a Canadian physician who writes and speaks about the roots of addiction in childhood trauma, describes all addictions as attempts to get an experience of something like intimate connection in a way that feels safe. Addictions also serve to help us escape the ingrained sense that we are unlovable and to suppress emotional pain.

  • Numbness or detachment: spending many of our most formative years having to constantly avoid intense feelings because we had little or no help processing them creates internal walls between our conscious awareness and those deeper feelings. This leads to depression, especially after childhood ends and we have to function as independent adults.

  • Inability to talk about feelings (alexithymia): difficulty in identifying, understanding and communicating one's own feelings and emotional aspects of social interactions. It is sometimes described as a sense of emotional numbness or pervasive feelings of emptiness. It is evidenced by intellectualized or avoidant responses to emotion-related questions, by overly externally oriented thinking and by reduced emotional expression, both verbal and nonverbal.

  • Emptiness: an impoverished relationship with our internal selves which goes along with a general sense that life is pointless or meaningless.

What is Complex PTSD?

Complex PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) is a name for the condition of being stuck with a chronic, prolonged stress response to a series of traumatic experiences which may have happened over a long period of time. The word 'complex' was added to reflect the fact that many people living with unhealed traumas cannot trace their suffering back to a single incident like a car crash or an assault, and to distinguish it from PTSD which is usually associated with a traumatic experience caused by a threat to physical safety. Complex PTSD is more associated with traumatic interpersonal or social experiences (especially during childhood) that do not necessarily involve direct threats to physical safety. While PTSD is listed as a diagnosis in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnositic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Complex PTSD is not. However, Complex PTSD is included in the World Health Organization's 11th revision of the International Classification of Diseases.

Some therapists, along with many participants of the /r/CPTSD subreddit, prefer to drop the word 'disorder' and refer instead to "complex post-traumatic stress" or simply "post-traumatic stress" (CPTS or PTS) to convey an understanding that struggling with the lasting effects of childhood trauma is a consequence of having been traumatized and that experiencing persistent distress does not mean someone is disordered in the sense of being abnormal.

Is emotional neglect (or 'Childhood Emotional Neglect') a diagnosis?

The term "emotional neglect" appears as early as 1913 in English language books. "Childhood Emotional Neglect" (often abbreviated CEN) was popularized by Jonice Webb in her 2012 book Running on Empty. Neither of these terms are formal diagnoses given by psychologists, psychiatrists or medical practitioners. (Childhood) emotional neglect does not refer to a condition that someone could be diagnosed with in the same sense that someone could be diagnosed with diabetes. Rather, "emotional neglect" is emerging as a name generally agreed upon by non-professionals for the deeply harmful absence of attuned caring that is experienced by many people in their childhoods. As a verb phrase (emotionally neglecting) it can also refer to the act of neglecting a person's emotional needs.

My parents were to some extent distant or disengaged with me but in a way that was normal for the culture I grew up in. Was I really neglected?

The basic emotional needs of children are universal among human beings and are therefore not dependent on culture. The specific ways that parents and other caregivers go about meeting those basic needs does of course vary from one cultural context to another and also varies depending upon the individual personalities of parents and caregivers, but the basic needs themselves are the same for everyone. Many cultures around the world are in denial of the fact that children need all the types of caring attention listed in the above answer to "What is emotional neglect?" This is partly because in so many cultures it is normal—quite often expected and demanded—to avoid the pain of examining one's childhood traumas and to pretend that one is a fully mature, healthy adult with no serious wounds or difficulty functioning in society.

The important question is not about what your parent(s) did right or wrong, or whether they were normal or abnormal as judged by their adult peers. The important question is about what you personally experienced as a child and whether or not you got all the care you needed in order to grow up with a healthy sense of self and a good relationship with your feelings. Ultimately, nobody other than yourself can answer this question for you.

My parents may not have given me all the emotional nurturing I needed, but I believe they did the best they could. Can I really blame them for what they didn't do?

Yes. You can blame someone for hurting you whether they hurt you by a malicious act that was done intentionally or by the most accidental oversight made out of pure ignorance. This is especially true if you were hurt in a way that profoundly changed your life for the worse.

Assigning blame is not at all the same as blindly hating or holding an inappropriate grudge against someone. To the extent that a person is honest, cares about treating others fairly and wants to maintain good relationships, they can accept appropriate blame for hurting others and will try to make amends and change their behavior accordingly. However, feeling the anger involved in appropriate, non-abusive and constructive blame is not easy.

Should I confront my parents/caregivers about how they neglected me?

Confronting the people who were supposed to nurture you in your childhood has the potential to be very rewarding, as it can prompt them to confirm the reality of painful experiences you had been keeping inside for a long time or even lead to a long overdue apology. However it also carries some big emotional risks. Even if they are intellectually and emotionally capable of understanding the concept and how it applies to their parenting, a parent who emotionally neglected their child has a strong incentive to continue ignoring or denying the actual effects of their parenting choices: acknowledging the truth about such things is often very painful. Taking the step of being vulnerable in talking about how the neglect affected you and being met with denial can reopen childhood wounds in a major way. In many cases there is a risk of being rejected or even retaliated against for challenging a family narrative of happy, untroubled childhoods.

If you are considering confronting (or even simply questioning) a parent or caregiver about how they affected you, it is well advised to make sure you are confronting them from a place of being firmly on your own side and not out of desperation to get the love you did not receive as a child. Building up this level of self-assured confidence can take a great deal of time and effort for someone who was emotionally neglected. There is no shame in avoiding confrontation if the risks seem to outweigh the potential benefits; avoiding a confrontation does not make your traumatic experiences any less real or important.

How can I heal from this? What does it look like to get better?

While there is no neatly itemized list of steps to heal from childhood trauma, the process of healing is, at its core, all about discovering and reconnecting with one's early life experiences and eventually grieving—processing, or feeling through—all the painful losses, deprivations and violations which as a child you had no choice but to bury in your unconscious. This goes hand in hand with reparenting: fulfilling our developmental needs that were not met in our childhoods.

Some techniques that are useful toward this end include

  • journaling: carrying on a written conversation with yourself about your life—past, present and future;

  • any other form of self-expression (drawing, painting, singing, dancing, building, volunteering, ...) that accesses or brings up feelings;

  • taking good physical care of your body;

  • developing habits around being aware of what you're feeling and being kind to yourself;

  • making friends who share your values;

  • structuring your everyday life so as to keep your stress level low;

  • reading literature (fiction or non-fiction) or experiencing art that tells truths about important human experiences;

  • investigating the history of your family and its social context;

  • connecting with trusted others and sharing thoughts and feelings about the healing process or about life in general.

You are invited to take part in the worldwide collaborative process of figuring out how to heal from childhood trauma and to grow more effectively, some of which is happening every day on r/EmotionalNeglect. We are all learning how to do this as we go along—sometimes quite clumsily in wavering, uneven steps.

Where can I read more?

See the sidebar of r/EmotionalNeglect for several good articles and books relevant to understanding and healing from neglect. Our community library thread also contains a growing collection of literature. And of course this subreddit as a whole, as well as r/CPTSD, has many threads full of great comments and discussions.

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r/emotionalneglect • u/mtok209 • 9h ago

Sharing insight It's crazy how much our perception of normal is skewed by CEN

45 Upvotes

I recently went through an argument with a friend group I am connected to. Someone did something that upset me, and in the heat of the moment, I called them a r*tard. Immediately after, their friends came over to me, talking about how much it had affected her and how angry they were with me. I knew I had to apologize and told them that I would, but they still seemed mad.

The issue is, I came off as all too casual for them. I didn't have friends or people who defended me as a kid when I got called the same things. I never had an emotional bond with another human being strong enough to feel their own pain so much that it even made me feel bad. To me, insulting them for what they did seemed all too normal, whereas for them it was something that ruined their entire day. I can't even believe how sensitive normal people are because they aren't used to these things. I know it's the neglect that made me feel this way, but I don't even want to change.

Has anyone had similar experiences?

16 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/Sensitive_Box_4596 • 7h ago

Sharing progress My father just asked me if I would do something to make him happy just because he’s my dad, and I said no.

27 Upvotes

I’m not sure what to tag this with, I’m going with “sharing progress“ because it feels right. This is a bit of a ramble because I’m still a bit jittery. I’m 22F and I recently graduated, and I’m currently living with my mom due to the current economy. Last year (literally a year ago), my father moved out after years of emotional/financial abuse towards my family (mom, me, younger brother). He basically decided one day he wanted a different job and moved literal states away without warning. Currently he is fighting my mom’s attempts at divorce while living with his new girlfriend, whom he got with 3 months after leaving. He refuses to cut ties with us while also trying to pretend we don’t exist.

I’ve always been much more timid than my brother due to the fear I had of him growing up. I have a diagnosed panic disorder and, while not officially diagnosed, it wouldn’t surprise me if I had CPTSD due to his cruel treatment (isolating me when I “misbehaved”, screaming at me over every little thing, accusing me of using him for money, etc etc). I’ve always reacted with more of a freeze/fawn behavior when I’m scared. Because of this, he’s always assumed I was “more forgiving” than my mom and brother. When I went to college, we basically didn’t talk for 4 years because I wanted nothing to do with him. This feeling still continues today.

Anyways, yesterday he texted me and my brother and essentially told us we were going on a Christmas vacation with him, his new girlfriend, and his gf’s daughter. I’ve never met his gf, and while my brother has (unwillingly, my dad took him on a trip and “surprised“ him with even having a gf so that was fun), even he hasn’t met this daughter. My brother, who is now in college, called me and we talked about it and decided that we didn’t want anything to do with this situation. My brother then called my dad to inform him we weren’t going on the trip (as he is more than willing to go toe-to-toe with our dad). As far as my brother told me, he refused to do the trip with the gf and daughter and our dad supposedly nearly cried.

Unfortunately, our dad then called me and tried to guilt trip and intimidate me into agreeing. It was a short conversation, but basically he became upset because I kept telling him I was willing to see him (not really but he’s still my dad) but I refused to meet his new gf and her daughter. I want nothing to do with his “new life” and I don’t appreciate him acting like he can just put me and my brother in his new family and act like everything is fine. He kept trying to suggest different trip ideas, to which I kept replying “Is your girlfriend going to be there?”

He finally got frustrated and asked me, “You won’t even do it for your dad?” to which (even to my shock) I immediately stated “no”. He even went quiet for a minute and just went “…Wow.” The conversation didn’t last much longer after that. I think he finally realized I’m not a pushover/people-pleaser, something I’ve been working on in therapy and at college.

It has been several hours since then, and I’m still kinda shaken up about it. I don’t feel guilty or anything, but the phrase “you won’t even do it for your dad“ keeps playing in my head. There’s so much audacity to that statement after so many years of constantly bending over backwards to placate him. I’ve spent my whole life making myself small for him. I’m so angry at him for even trying that, but also I can’t help being slightly terrified after telling him no. There isn’t much he can do to me as a grown adult in another state, but that fear still lingers. There’s also this weird sense of giddiness. Like I want to call everyone I know and tell them I told him no directly for the first time.

I know it is such a small step in terms of progress, but I just wanted to put it out there because I’m still processing what this means and I’m slightly terrified of what the future holds.

TL/DR: My dad was trying to force me to play happy family with his new girlfriend and stepdaughter, he tried to guilt trip me, and I told him no directly for once. Now I’m feeling a lot of weird emotions at once. I feel like it is progress, so I’m sharing it as progress.

3 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/Efficient-Spirit-869 • 19h ago

Discussion Does anyone else have a problem with ruminating to themselves or imagines talking about issues to others? Except it's just an endless circle. As in the same ideas and talking points are brought up over and over again.

146 Upvotes
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r/emotionalneglect • u/IcedVanilla_Latte • 4h ago

it pisses me off so bad when people say rich kids can have no trauma or the abuse can’t be that bad

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5 Upvotes

i do relate that a lot.

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r/emotionalneglect • u/Key_Week_3830 • 3h ago

Trigger warning Father-Daughter relationship

3 Upvotes

My question is to all the daughters who were at some point hit hy their fathers and maybe apologised later for(maybe for cursing or yelling at their fathers when they were in a bad mood) is it okay? Were you ever able to love your fathers or look past it?
I mean would you categorise him as good or bad when he was physically violent but at the same time did all he can for you?

6 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/caribbeanblue0 • 13h ago

Do you ever feel like you underreact to things that should be shocking?

26 Upvotes

Do you ever feel like you underreact to things that should be shocking?
I’ve noticed that I tend to underreact to situations that would normally be considered really shocking.
One example is something that happened with my dad. It was probably one of the biggest things I’ve ever experienced, and my brother cried, but I didn’t.
Another time, we almost got into a really bad car accident, and I was the one calming my mom down. I wasn’t even that scared myself.
Sometimes I look back at these situations and wonder what’s wrong with me. I start questioning whether I’m emotionally numb or if I just process things differently.
Does anyone else react like this? Like, you know something is serious, but your emotional reaction doesn’t match how serious it actually is?

6 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/stormyllewellynn • 23h ago

Does anyone else’s parents create their own narrative from something you say?

103 Upvotes

I feel like I’m going insane. Whenever I speak to my mom about something, she draws incorrect conclusions from it and then makes it an ongoing narrative.

We were speaking about the holidays this year. I host Christmas Eve dinner every year. We spend days planning, shopping, cleaning, and cooking, just to have people come in, eat, and immediately leave. After last year when people arrived after 6 and left shy of 8:00, my husband and I discussed possibly getting it catered in the future because it’s a ton of work for a dinner that lasts less than 2 hours.

My mom brought up the holidays a few weeks ago and we just casually said we were thinking about getting it catered because it would be less stressful and would probably cost around the same, but would save us a ton of time regarding the labor of cooking. Well all she apparently heard is the cost part. She was saying we don’t have to host if we can’t afford it, etc. We made it clear multiple times, we don’t care about that part at all.

Now she keeps hinting in conversation that we have money problems (???), she keeps sending me links of “affordable” things to buy for the holidays, an article about Sam’s Club having meals to feed 10 people for under $100, etc. It’s driving me nuts. Not only that, but she’s the type of person that will tell everyone these kinds of things and I don’t want people in my business, especially about something she made up.

24 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/Flaky-Shirt8599 • 23h ago

Seeking advice Does anyone else feel like something really bad happened and you can’t remember?

103 Upvotes

My childhood before the age of 10 is basically a complete blank to me. I only remember very very small memories from that time and even then most of those aren’t great. But recently I’ve been having this feeling that something worse than what my memory is offering me happened?

I do have OCD so I acknowledge it could be stemming from that

But recently I feel like some memories that a few years back I was sure never happened are surfacing. Like from what I remember my household wasn’t particularly intense or abusive but then a horrifying memory will surface years later and I’ll go ‘oh yeah I guess that did happen…’ idk does anyone else feel this way?

8 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/AutoModerator • 3h ago

Weekly check-in – October 16, 2026

2 Upvotes

How do you feel after this past week? Did you encounter some difficult or enjoyable feelings? Did you connect some dots between your past and your current life? If there's anything on your mind and you prefer not to create an individual post, this is a place to share your thoughts and feelings.

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r/emotionalneglect • u/livieluvshllokttyX3 • 24m ago

My mom won’t speak to me after I self harmed

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r/emotionalneglect • u/throwitaway73537 • 16h ago

Seeking advice When your new partner finds out…how to not come off as a red flag…

16 Upvotes

TLDR: My boyfriend is having a hard time understanding my low contact with my family due to EN and dysfunction. He was close with his ex’s family and has a normal family so this is new to him. He is eager to meet my family, but when I told him about being low contact and not knowing when he’ll meet them, I’m worried he may have felt offended and taken it personally. Advice?

I’m 36f and currently VERY low contact with my parents. My mom texts me once a month to tell me she’s worried about me and praying for me. My dad hasn’t texted me in almost a year. They only live 30 minutes away, but I see them only a couple times a year. When I do see them, we don’t “hang out”. It’s usually just a couple minutes of an awkward exchange in my driveway while my mom drops off something she wanted to give me while dad sits in the car. They refuse to stay and chat or come inside; they don’t wish to extend the visit to an uncomfortable amount of time. The only exception to our driveway visits has been Christmas; I’ll head over to their house for an hour and sit awkwardly in the living room while dad is in the bedroom and mom makes polite small talk before excusing herself to the bedroom. I mostly go because I feel obligated, but I’m actually considering not going over this year because of how empty and depressed the experience makes me feel.

My new partner of 7 months can’t relate. Him and his parents are very close, and he’s also super close with extended family, so much so he’ll travel across the country/internationally to see them. Meanwhile, I don’t even know my extended family members. My emotionally immature 70 year old parents are all I’ve got, and over the years they’ve begged me to not visit them, because the 30 minute ride through the suburbs is a “long drive” and driving is dangerous and they don’t want to have to worry about me.

So, naturally, my boyfriend is curious about my family and is looking forward to meeting them. A month ago he asked when he’d get to meet them.

This is where I broke the news. I tell him my parents are weird, and I don’t know when he will meet them.

Of course, that didn’t go great. Immediately my boyfriend is asking what I mean, and questioning why I wouldn’t want to introduce him to my family at some point. I haven’t met his family either, but meeting his would sure be much more casual and easier than meeting mine.

I tried explaining just how shallow our relationship is. How it’s so…surface level. How spending time together is forced and awkward and any real effort to get together ends quickly with my parents excusing themselves. We don’t sit down and chat. We don’t get lunch or dinner. We don’t go to events or go on walks. We don’t do that. He was baffled. It was so foreign to him. He asked, well didn’t your ex meet your family and spend time with them? And at this point, my boyfriend is sounding concerned and honestly a bit offended. I started to worry that he thinks this is about me not wanting to get serious.

I explained, painfully, that yes, they did meet my ex. But I told my ex the same thing 10 years ago, about how weird and antisocial they were. How they never once asked about my life or, heaven forbid, a relationship. That aside from Christmas, we never see each other. We don’t just casually hang out. I didn’t know why, I just knew that something was off. My ex was persistent, and after a year together I forced a “meet up” dinner at a local restaurant. I explained how the dinner was incredibly awkward, how my ex left wanting to never hang with my family again. I told him how my parents proceeded to turn down a follow up invite to have dinner again. They didn’t want to “intrude”. They never wanted to intrude.

I told my current boyfriend all of this; the whole time I’m feeling so vulnerable and awkward because I know this all sounds bad, very BAD. Red flag. He listened, but was so baffled. He basically says “well, maybe some time we can get coffee. It doesn’t have to be a big deal”.

This was two months ago and we haven’t talked about it since. Navigating this is heavily on my mind though, especially with the holidays coming up. My boyfriend has not introduced me to his family yet, and I’m wondering if it’s because I was so weird about him meeting mine. Of course I know that introducing your partner to family is a big step, and I’m ok with him taking his time, but also, truthfully, I’m excited to meet his normal family. His nice, loving family. However, I really can’t be too upset about not having plans to meet them yet, given that I was so awkward and uncertain about mine.

Any advice on how to navigate this whole thing?

12 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/agirltoremember-90 • 1h ago

Sharing progress You and Me

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r/emotionalneglect • u/peepingxout • 1h ago

Trigger warning Abt my mom

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r/emotionalneglect • u/Ok_Leadership_74 • 2h ago

What are the signs of toxic or narcissistic parents?!

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r/emotionalneglect • u/Zestyclose-Tie-8031 • 2h ago

Anyone take years to recover from poor parenting, only to just collapse when you see them again?

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1 Upvotes

I ( 58yo M) live alone, have few friends and live overseas from my parents. I'm a little lonely every now and again, but currently life is quite peaceful, and I really appreciate it because in the past living with my Nmum (85F) was a daily stress that I'm glad I don't face now.

Until 6-7 weeks ago.

My dad (85yoM) called to say he had advanced cancer, so I flew back for 2 weeks , stayed in a hotel and visited almost daily. And mum went into usual behaviour which seems to match narcissist parent behaviour. Very quickly all the stress rose to levels I've never experienced before and even though dad was dying, everything revolved around Nmum. I was sweating non stop even though it was winter there. I lost 5 kg in 2 weeks. I'd not seen Nmum is person for around 10 years. It's never good for me when I do. I returned overseas but I was so stressed and so.....I don't even know how to describe it...down, very down.

But another issue I found was that I found myself mentally weak. My mood was changing all the time, my decisions were changing all the time. Eg will I move back to look after mum or not . I found myself feeling so isolated, I wished I had someone with me who could make decisions for me, that supported me. One of the effects of my Nmum's parenting is I am indecisive, and not that strong mentally. I've really noticed this weakness, my lack of strong support. I get along well with workmates, but they aren't those close friends you can just call everyday and just reassure you for 60 minutes .

I'm really stunned by the collapse of my mental walls. Before , it was peaceful, I thought I'd grown as an adult. Now, the mention of my mum is enough to get my heart going into panic mode and I feel so isolated and lonely and want someone to support me , hug me and tell me what to do.

I've started therapy, but appointments are really far apart and basically I'm no different to the way I was before...alone .

Did anyone else experience similar collapse? How did you cope? How long did it take?

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r/emotionalneglect • u/North-Huckleberry396 • 6h ago

Why do my family hate me

2 Upvotes

Ok so I’m 14F I have and older brother who’s 22 and my mum and my dad my family treat me like I’m a problem all the time because through out my intire life my dad was never there for me he’s threatened me hit me and the constantly is bitching about my outfits to the point where I don’t feel safe in my house on my own with him I’ve been struggling with my mental health for a while and my mum knows this but now I feel like she thinks I’m a problem cuz of it it it’s not my fault I’ve been bullied my entire life and because of that and my dad makeing my life hell I’ve stoped talking to him because he never talked to me other then to make fun of me so and I keep snapping and getting mad at people because everybody is pissing me off rn idk why and my family aren’t helping cuz they know and my mum knows what makes me snap ( witch is people going why do you not talk anymore why are you so ugly now etc ) and she normally gets people to avoid this but now my dad had starting going “ why do you hate me “ “ why do you not talk to your daddy anymore “ and my mum just sits there and then tells me to stop overreacting and they tell everyone I know my friends my family my teachers and my school counsellor that I’m a bad daughter and I need to calm down and im overreacting but it’s like just cuz he gave a shitty apology and then continued to go exactly like how he was after a week I’m soupost to just take back the 14 years of sadness is SO annoying it feel like I’m going crazy and they get mad at me because I slap my mum when I get overwhelmed and really angry but that’s exactly what my brother done when he was 14 except he was stronger then me but they only ever get mad at me is so infuriating it makes me feel so crazy and weird for not taking like what do I do cuz I can’t just forgive me and if I tell him to try and fix our relationship he will just threaten and then hit me I hate everything I genuinely think it would be better if my mum was a single mum sometimes what do I do [ don’t sugarcoat it ]

1 comment

r/emotionalneglect • u/Hex946 • 19h ago

Sharing insight I’ve never felt like someone’s daughter.

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24 Upvotes

Something struck me recently, and I’ve been trying to find the words for it.

A few months ago, I popped round to see my brother, SIL and niece. They were all at my SIL’s parents’ house celebrating Father’s Day. Her parents are genuinely lovely, down-to-earth people.

When I arrived, I wished my brother and his father-in-law a happy Father’s Day. I can’t remember what prompted it, but my SILs dad gave me a hug and said, “You’re a daughter too”.

It honestly hit me in such a painful way. It was a deeply moving moment, but it also somehow made the deprivation feel even more stark.

Later, something occurred to me. It was something I’d longed for, and felt a lifetime of pain and envy over, but had never been able to articulate in such a simple but profound way…

**I’ve never felt like someone’s daughter.**

I’ve never really felt like I belonged to someone. I’ve never occupied that daughter space, where you’re loved, cared for and cheered on with unconditional love. I’ve carried this intense longing and grief for as long as I can remember, this sense of something fundamental being missing that everyone else seemed to possess.

I’ve been thinking about how children normally develop an internal sense of being somebody’s child. How they come to carry certain assumptions without even having to think about them:

I belong somewhere.
Someone delights in me.
Someone is responsible for me.
I can go back to someone when I’m frightened.
Someone will soothe me.
Someone will mirror me back to myself.
Someone will notice if I’m struggling.
I don’t have to earn my place.
I’m somebody who deserves to belong.

Writing those things down brings to life something I’ve implicitly known but never been able to put into words. I knew I’d missed out on a core human experience, that sense of safe attachment. I’ve always yearned to be seen, loved and cared for, but I’ve also kept that longing hidden, because it feels as though speaking about it will make people think you’re clinging to them, or expecting them to become those things for you.

I’ve sometimes felt like an intruder in other people’s lives, like I have to remember my place, that I’m not really part of their inner world.

You have this steel armour. It protects you and allows you to keep functioning. But it also makes it so difficult to experience life and feel genuinely connected to other people.

It’s such a primitive, alienating feeling. An emptiness that’s incredibly difficult to put into words.
And I keep coming back to this question…

How can I feel such a deep void, such intense longing and grief, for something I’ve never actually had? If it was never really there in the first place, why does its absence hurt so much?

1 comment

r/emotionalneglect • u/Bubbly_Aspect_110 • 2h ago

Discussion Did anyone else ever develop panic attacks when it came to medical issues?

1 Upvotes

Slight trigger warning bc I do share my general experience wondering if others have experienced this

I’m sure medical neglect falls under this category. I was guilt tripped and blackmailed constantly as a kid whenever it came to health concerns so I wouldn’t get medical assistance. I have been forced to go to school with horrible infections. I have had severe panic attacks before going to the ER for emergencies because of my family. Worst part is I couldn’t escape it even in adult life bc I was still financially dependent on my family and their health insurance.

Anyone else have had this issue? Have waited out horrible conditions before getting proper treatment because of 1 their family or 2 the panic attacks left behind from the trauma from their family?

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r/emotionalneglect • u/anonymous310506 • 7h ago

Seeking advice Losing my sense of self when I’m around others or when I have a busy day.

2 Upvotes

I don’t know exactly how to explain this. I don’t mean this in a context of hyper vigilance or feeling unsafe. I mean I feel like I’m losing myself when I have a busy day (just studying all day by myself) or if I’m just out and about going from one class/event to another or constantly socializing. Because I’m not constantly thinking of my thoughts, feelings, inner world, etc like I do on most normal days and that’s what I have done most days for years of my life now. Anything other than that makes me feel like I’m losing myself and feels so weird even if I’ve had a somewhat happy and fulfilling day. It’s like I need to be all alone most of the time, doing nothing and be extremely self aware of my existence and constantly observing myself to feel like myself and have a sense of self.

It leaves me in this weird place where I’m not fully happy isolating (because I feel somewhat empty despite feeling like myself), but I’m also extremely reluctant to change it because it’s so comfortable and familiar and any change feels disorienting and akin to losing myself. Why does this happen? Perhaps it’s me trying to validate my own existence and my mirror my own thoughts, feelings, and existence because no one else ever did. Perhaps that’s why it feels so existential and so instrumental to my existence and sense of self.

Does anyone else experience this? Any theories on why it happens or your reasons/experiences?

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r/emotionalneglect • u/Background-Winter545 • 4h ago

Do you feel angry/irritable after interacting with toxic family?

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1 Upvotes
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r/emotionalneglect • u/purrfect_libra • 4h ago

Seeking advice For the first time in my adult life, I think I wanted my mother, but seeing her was unfulfilling

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1 Upvotes
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r/emotionalneglect • u/Remi_Ku • 9h ago

Seeking advice Is my Mums Reaction Normal?

2 Upvotes

I recently crashed my car, which had to be towed and is currently being repaired. In the meantime, I've been using my mum's car while she was away so I could get to work.

During my lunch break, I drove to the supermarket and went to indicate into a parking spot when a man got out of his car and started yelling at me. I let him have the spot, but rather than leaving it at that, he got back into his car and reversed at speed into my mum's car. Thankfully, there was virtually no damage, but the situation was incredibly confronting.

I panicked and tried to go through the usual steps you would take after an incident like that, including dealing with insurance, but he drove off before I could even get his number plate.

When I told my mum what had happened a few days ago, her only response was, "What a dickhead," followed by silence. There was no further conversation or acknowledgement of how frightening and stressful the situation had been for me. I was already dealing with the aftermath of my own car accident, and this was another upsetting incident on top of everything else. I think I was hoping for a little more concern or emotional support from her, rather than the conversation simply ending there.

would a normal parent react differently or am I reading into this wrong?

For context I have ptsd from Domestic Violence that my mum is aware about, this was a really triggering event for me.

1 comment

r/emotionalneglect • u/Ok_Pin1785 • 13h ago

Seeking advice Need help decentering my mom

3 Upvotes

This will be long. I’m grateful for reddit being anonymous bc a part of me is so embarrassed to share all of this.

I’m a 25 year old woman, about to be 26 in a few months, still living at home. I was diagnosed with c-PTSD in 2020-2021, but I didn’t realize its effects on my life until a few months ago this year. I’ve interpreted many of the symptoms that c-PTSD comes with as character flaws for years, instead of actual symptoms. I’ve had debilitating anxiety for years, it just became much more manageable in 2025. I’ve experienced bullying throughout school up until college, and bullying at home as well. SA victim as well, to which my mom has told me that I shouldn’t feel like a victim, victim to extreme domestic violence that almost took my life… basically, any harmful thing you can think of, I’ve probably experienced it.

I realized that bc I was living and viewing myself as defective instead of realizing that I’m struggling with something, it has greatly influenced my life decisions up until this year. I left college bc I had to buy a car after my mom promised me she’d get me one then postponing it for years, until I got it myself, which she got upset with me for. In school, I was an honors student & working 2 pt jobs, it just made sense to leave and find out how to take care of myself. I can say that during those years I was actively struggling with depression, anxiety, and this cptsd which in turn made me make some not so smart financial decisions. I had to file for chapter 7 bankruptcy, lost my car (the transmission blew), yada yada. Now, I’m rebuilding.

I just started working at a new job, I’m enrolling in school for Fall 27 and have started applying already. After crunching the numbers, I realized I’d have to save aggressively, which I’m not opposed to doing. Logically it makes sense, emotionally I broke down. I just felt like a total and complete loser for what feels like, wasting so much of my life. I felt like this job and the income I get from it would be the ceiling for me, and that I wouldn’t be able to really move forward, since school is kinda the only way out that I know as of current.

My breakdown today made me spiral into “how the fuck did I fuck up my life this bad?”. I had been recently grappling with the fact that yes, how I was raised and how I’m even treated currently can and does affect how I show up in my life. But today it was bad, my brain was just searching for an answer that maybe was too big.. “did her actions and ways of viewing me mess me up that bad?” “can I actually be upset and blame her for parts of my decisions?” “is my experience even valid bc I don’t remember much of it?” (common c-ptsd symptom btw)… and more.

I realized that mentally, when things go wrong I need an answer. While I can take accountability for my poor decisions, I always want a “well I made that decision bc this happened” “I pursued this because I couldn’t do the latter bc of her”, etc. Most times, it is valid; but I realized that in a sense, it makes my mom an anchor in my life. I would love to get to a point where I can make a decision and not have to think about what she’ll think about it, if I’m defective for making a decision she wouldn’t agree with, or just having a day where I’m struggling without having to connect it to how I was treated by her even if it is valid. I just don’t want her to occupy my mental world that much, or really at all. I just am not sure how to do that or where to start. So yeah, please help & leave tips if you can 🥹 thanks.

TLDR: my mother is really mean & manipulative. Still living at home, coping with c-PTSD which was brought on bc of the trauma and abuse and treatment from her. Currently in a financial rebuilding phase, going back to school soon, but anytime I struggle emotionally or have to make a decision she mentally becomes the forefront. Need tips on how to not make that happen anymore. Grateful for your advice.

2 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/Complete_Buy_8014 • 7h ago

Seeking advice I'm starting to feel that my parents were often toxic, emotionally abusive and even narcissistic. Am I justified? Really need advice and support

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Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother mostly has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but there's just so much I need to unpack.

I really need to get as much advice, perspective and support etc as possible before I do anything drastic or make any major decisions.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. To be honest I'm pretty desperate for advice and support and don't have anywhere way safe to get an unbiased perspective.

My parents split almost 10 years ago. I have had some great moments with them but they both were often quite toxic and abusive even.

I'll start with my Dad. A few months after my parents split he took me to spend the weekend pretty much out of the blue with his new girlfriend which he didn't actually tell me she was until we were only a few minutes away. One time while we were on holiday quite a few years ago during an argument he started bashing me with a Coke bottle. Afterwards he was full of apologizes and burst into tears. Also one other time during a row he threw my phone against a wall causing it to break. Also when he was winging about his situation I told him at least he owns his house and he pretty much laughed in my face. A few years ago while we were on our way back home from the movies he started going crazy and shouting at me and I was really scared. I tried to reason with him but it wasn't working. I can't even remember how the hell it all started. He even phoned my mum and told her he couldn't handle me and wanted her to pick me up. When I messaged my mum saying I wanted to leave she said she wouldn't teach him a lesson as they were both human and didn't deserve to be treated like crap. I was so upset and confused. When often she's the one badmouthing him to me. I have a strained relationship with my Dad and don't see him often I feel really let down as he was never really a proper father and only did the really bare minimum. He's never really stepped up and has always been useless with money. It actually makes me feel quite unlovable.

Now onto my mother which is by far the much longer list. She would blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well. Most nights by the time I went to bed she was often at least very visibly tipsy and I have flashbacks about her when blotto and actually makes me very upset to be honest. I just wonder how can get so unshamefully drunk whilst been alone in the house with her child and I feel it was very irresponsible.

I did even have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum and pretty much everyone we know such the teachers at school believe that. I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at my grandparents. I think we had a disagreement but I can't even really remember it now but my best memory is that she was on the phone to my grandmother and I'm pretty sure she was badmouthing me then my grandparents spoke and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

About a year later when I vaguely recall when was enjoying myself in the bath she started abusing me and said she and everyone else was going to wash their hands of me if I didn't start living her way or something. I remember I was struggling with getting ready and then she started shouting saying I was taking advantage and then called her mother to say I was really horrible.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A few weeks ago now in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? For example I'm starting to remember when I was very young she'd make threats of sending me over to a new mommy. I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she had a complete disregard and no sympathy for them.

PS another red flag i noticed was when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off. Also when my Gran had a fall she said to me in the car "trust me to have parents that live forever then I could get my inheritance".

Towards the end of my parents marriage I was 10 and she told me that my Dad was been very controlling and making her life a misery. I now look back at that with adult eyes and I'm starting to feel that she may of at least bent the truth. I'm starting to think that she manipulated me and tried to turn me against him and I do blame her partly for the fact I don't have the best relationship with my Dad. He's often let me down and been emotionally unavailable. Also he's very bad with money. I just wish for effort instead of excuses.

My mother often calls him a narcissist. I just feel that it's very wrong for someone to say to a child that one of their parents is a narcissist even if there is any truth to it.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so proudly and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She with absolutely no filter tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

She loves been the martyr and does seem to feel like an innocent hard done by single mum who's done her best and pretty much everyone including teachers at school believe that. As I said I do feel for her then I think but what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could my parents have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

A few years ago she said things like "I should top myself" and around that time during a really heated argument she threatened to kill herself with a knife so I did actually hide the knives. That's actually really traumatized me. She's also said one night a couple of years ago when she had a meltdown that when she dies hardly anyone is going to be at her funeral. I mean like why the hell would you say things like this to your own child?

A few other things. I remember once when Dad was picking me up a few years out of the blue she said just F off and even Dad said to me in the car that he didn't appreciate the way she spoke to me and when I told her that during a later argument she just said "yeah whatever" and something like that. Also one time when Dad came by to bring something she said "make sure that you show him that you're really happy to be back home". A couple of months ago when Dad took me out for a pub meal when I came back home the next night she said in sort of like a wise-ass way "you know he won't be able to afford that often". I do realize that but her saying that actually really annoyed me to be honest. As I'm making small steps with him it feels like she was deliberately trying to ruin my mood.

PS I remember one night years ago she accused me of looking like I wanted to hit her and went crazy. I may of had a tired look because it was late and I tried explaining that. She starting banging ornaments and shouting and was just impossible to talk to. Also I remember a few years ago one time she started saying she was worried my Dad was going to try to spend more time with me and that it would affect my schooling and life and said if I fall for it I would never see her again and all of the family will hate me. She's also said that before when I threatened to walk out during arguments. She's also said many times during these tirades that I was dead to her.

Also something that really upsets me is whenever I try to reason with her she often just goes "I need more alcohol to deal with this".

Almost a year ago my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started shouting and carrying on. When I went after her I tried to explain myself but she said I was been passive aggressive and even trying to manipulate her. I reason with her but she just wasn't having it and kept carrying on. When I tried to explain that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend without her treating me like this. She said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down yet again. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet still emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that. I mean can anyone make sense of that?

A couple days after that weekend one of my teachers asked to have a word with me and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother and been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who the hell said what to him and that's something that's still REALLY baffling me. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He reassured me and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc). I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I graduated in December and I now do a certificate course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time.

Her next meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?". She was been very cold and unreasonable. I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her but no. I'll admit I finally snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. After I said about been my own person she said "you'd be nothing without me". I do regret that as it did actually make me look crazy as we were in public also afterwards she was all calm and innocent. I tried to explain calmly that she can't guilt me and tried to make her realize how her sarcastic comments and quite frankly mean attitude was upsetting me but that wasn't working. I even said that she's been narcissistic with her comment about me been nothing without her but it was like talking to a brick wall. She then said "look everyone thinks you're crazy and as you're an adult now I can get the police over here". She then just suddenly called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I then just ran off into the sea but all of my excitement was ruined and I was feeling very sad and confused about what just happened. I was starting to feel that maybe I overreacted or am remembering things wrong and my mind was feeling very fogged. I really wish I had just walked away and still kick myself. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say were all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen.

A couple of weeks ago I've told her that I wanted to do another certificate course at that school next year and she tried to make me feel bad by putting on the guilt trip and giving me the cold shoulder. I've tried to blur it out to be honest but I remember she said that I was been selfish and told me how she wanted me to live my life. I tried to explain to her that I can't just do what she expects and the expense of my own happiness and well-being. I feel like she is trying to control how I live my life and I told her that she couldn't do that or tear me down or change my mind. She then said (this felt like reverse psychology and emotional blackmail) fine do whatever you want and I'll do the same. Also shouted and carried on saying things like F me and I'm hopeless and that. I also told her that I would love to be a teacher but she said i wouldn't be able to go to university, scoffed and said that I would be useless. I feel like she's trying to damage my already limited self esteem, confidence and spirit. Also she had been fairly good up to this. I was dreading telling her but I do feel that a weight is lifted as well. It seems funny that whenever I tell her something she doesn't like or she can't control she goes back to her bad self. PS she's also upset that she can't get paid for me doing that and wants me to just do what's best for her financially. I find it quite ironic her making me feel bad for not getting a job straight away while she's unemployed. PS it was the school ball that night which was brilliant but I'm disappointed that it went so quickly and also I feel a bit down about my social anxiety and that I didn't ask anyone to dance or make more conversation with my teachers and peers.

Then a few nights later my mum was going out for the night and she seemed a bit tipsy so I did ask out of concern if she was fit to drive. She immediately got defensive and bit my head off and said I was having a go at her. I only asked out of concern and worry and I tried explaining that a hundred times but she just wasn't having it. I also tried to explain that her getting defensive if anything proves my worry is valid but she started saying I was harassing her and she was sick of my bullshit and sick of putting up with me and she couldn't wait to get away from me. She also just suddenly pulled her shirt off showing her breasts ( believe it or not that's something she has done once or twice before ages ago). I was just shocked and looked away quickly as possible. When I tried to ascertain why she got so defensive she said that I think I can just say whatever I like to her and for her to just take it. I swear I didn't mean any ill-will or malice and of course I tried explaining that too but no. I just don't know for the life of me how she can turn on me just like that and treat her own son like that.

Both that and that previous thing a few nights before she said we're not going on holidays again this year and she brought up that incident from the January holiday I talked about and said that she hated been isolated there with me while I was been horrible to her. Wtf when she was the one belittling me and having a go at me which made me snap and I did apologize for that. She genuinely seems to think that she's actually the victim when she gets defensive and treats me like shit. Then when she left and i was starting to second guess myself and was thinking that maybe I am in the wrong and am a bad person. I was left alone for the night I'm feeling very isolated and confused. PS since that holiday she was actually been fairly good but after both that night after the school ball and that incident both only within a few days has left me feeling blindsided and like the rug has been pulled from under me also feel like I'm back at square one. Basically I really can't fathom how someone can treat their own child like this. Just beggars belief to say the least.

Now when she came back the next day I tried to start a conversation about the last night and she did get teary and said she was sorry but still when I tried to get her to take some accountability and realize how exactly she hurt me she was just like "I said I was sorry didn't I?" and said I just kept going over the same thing and said she was sick of me bringing up the past. She started not making much sense and playing dumb a bit. I just wanted her to realize how she upset me and also the previous incidents and she said "i guess I'm just the worst mother ever". Am I justified for feeling as though she hasn't really taken accountability? We have sort of made up now I suppose but I just stopped talking about it to keep the peace really.

I should add that last incident was a week ago now and it really bothers me how she's all happy now and acting like that never happened whilst I'm carrying emotional scars and still feel as though I haven't really had any closure or true accountability. Also her harsh words and still deeply wounded in me and I'm feel like a piece of shit and like I'm unlovable.

Like I've said she go from been genuinely the most nicest person to the most horrible.

I stayed with my father the other night and the next day he started carrying on and had a meltdown because he's only got like $30 left. I hope this doesn't sound too selfish but I felt very disappointed and let down that he couldn't even go a whole day without carrying on about his issues especially as I don't see him often. I don't think spending money on pot, cigarettes and vapes helps does it? That's what really burns my hide is that he has enough to spend on his terrible habits but when it comes to buying basic food when I was there for only a night he has very little. I mean is it too much to ask that when he does rarely see me that he can be on his best behaviour? It stresses me out and adds to my anxiety when I hear about my parents issues. He then rambling that he's been cursed since his father died young and if he was still alive they'd all be millionaires. Of course I feel really bad and am sorry that he died young. Though to be fair he has apologized and explained that he wasn't upset with me he was just very disappointed that he didn't have much which I really do appreciate. I just wish he could get his act together.

I'm starting to feel that the good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

I can't help really resenting them sometimes for all of the mental anguish they've both put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by my mother as she's the one who adds to it and I pretty much don't know anything about my own bank details. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known. She has said that I'm her number one. I think if that's how you treat your number one.

I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and are quite messed up. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also does their substance abuse issues made them this way as well do you think? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and she also vapes and my father smokes pot and cigarettes.

Also as my father struggles financially I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

I must admit I do feel very down sometimes as my father barely makes an effort with me and my mother treats me as like an emotional punching bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable. I wonder what I've done to deserve this.

Honestly one of the most frightening things is that they genuinely don't seem to remember most of even any of it so that's why I'm too scared to call them out. Also they seem to feel their behaviour is ok.

PS I'm really good at covering up my anxiety and pride myself on putting on a cheerful front and everyone at school thinks I'm the most happiest and optimistic person ever. I feel scared to let my guard down or if they knew otherwise.

Also none of the family have a clue and I just know they wouldn't believe me and I fear if I did distance myself from her they'd think I was an evil person.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've wasted a lot of my childhood been isolated with my mother a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

I swear I sometimes feel as though I've been given the most selfish, toxic, messed up, irresponsible and emotionally immature parents ever. I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do about everything am I?

PS before anyone says anything about therapy I did try that once a few years ago but really struggled to open up. I struggle to do that with people I know nevermind a stranger.

To be honest I can't help but feel really resentful sometimes when I see people with proper and decent parents also when I see others living life to the fullest and I don't know how to be like them.

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