I’m curious what the worst, most toxic, or emotionally draining traits you’ve experienced.

I am 32(f) and here are some of mine:

•Constant provocation over the smallest things: Deliberately pushing buttons and provoking reactions, then acting completely innocent.

•Stonewalling and silent treatment: Ignoring me for days, withholding communication, acting like I didn’t exist.

•Lack of initiative: Never taking initiative for fixing problems or improving the relationship.

•Empty promises: Constantly promising to change, but never actually following through.

•Screaming and name-calling: Yelling, insulting and using degrading language during arguments.

•Vindictiveness: Always needing to get revenge and take things one step further.

•Resenting my happiness: Getting irritated or angry whenever I am focusing on my own needs and interests.

•Controlling behavior: Trying to control everything, including when I was “allowed” to do certain things. Saying things like, “You can do that when I feel like letting you.”

•Controlling my appearance: Telling me what clothes I was and wasn’t allowed to wear.

•Interfering with my career: Trying to control my job: wanting to be part of business trips to control me.

•Invalidating my feelings: him denying my emotions, and acting like he knew my own feelings better than I did.

•Playing the victim: Somehow turning every situation around until he was the victim, even when he was the one who hurt me.

•Threats and ultimatums: Threatening to replace me with another woman or cheat on me to get his way.

•Devaluation: calling me a disgusting, worthless woman, insulting my character, and questioning what I had ever done for him.

•Jealousy of my success: Instead of being proud of my achievements, especially at work, my success seemed to trigger anger and resentment

•Picking fights over normal social interactions: Getting angry when I was friendly or talkative with people in public, even waiters. He would call that behavior “masculine” and start arguments over it.

•Rigid gender roles: Constantly defining himself as a “real man” and imposing strict rules about how a woman should behave, speak, dress, and interact with others.

•Treating strangers badly: Being rude, disrespectful, or condescending toward waiters, Uber drivers, and other service workers.

•Constant negativity and miserable moods: Almost always being angry, irritated, or in a bad mood. It felt like his negativity filled the entire room.

I’m curious whether others experienced that constant feeling of having the life and energy sucked out of them.

Hi guys, I'll try to keep this as short as possible although there's a lot I could say...

I'm 24 Femal from Morocco, I have a bachelor's degree in finance, and for the past month, I've been trying to survive on my own after running away from my fathers home.

I lost my mother a while ago, and ever since then life hasn't really been the same I grew up in a very strict religious family especially when it comes to my father..

He has always been controlling, but things got much worse when he started insisting that I marry a man he knows who's almost 20 years older than me.

I barely knew this man, and the idea of spending the rest of my life with someone I didn't love, someone old enough to be my father terrified me.. But my father didn't care about what I wanted, To him it was already decided and my opinion didn't really matter... And as an agnostic girl who was trying to hide her ideas and thoughts and acting the whole time around him.

I refused multiple times, hoping he would eventually understand but instead, things became unbearable at home. The arguments turned into threats, and I started feeling like a prisoner

Eventually, I realized that staying meant accepting a marriage I never wanted, so I made the hardest decision of my life and left and he said if I stepped outside the door he won't accept me as a daughter for the rest of life..

It's been around a month now, and as I just graduated I couldn't find a decent job and couldn't even rest mentally to start thinking straight tbh

At first, I stayed with a friend for a few days, but I couldn't keep depending on her, so I moved to another city, hoping to start over somewhere nobody knew me.

And God, I had no idea how cruel the world could be to a young woman who's completely alone.

It feels like almost everyone I meet wants something from me... Some men pretend to care about my situation offer help and then eventually reveal what they're actually expecting in return

Others see my vulnerability as an opportunity to take advantage of me

I managed to find a job in a hotel but even there I couldn't feel safe.. A coworker started harassing me and I eventually resigned because I was terrified of things getting worse.

Now I'm struggling financially, emotionally, and mentally. Some days, I barely have enough energy to get out of bed, let alone figure out how I'm supposed to rebuild my entire life.

The worst part is that I've already attempted suicide twice since leaving home. I'm not proud of admitting that, but I don't want to pretend that I'm doing okay when I'm clearly not. There were moments when the loneliness, fear, and hopelessness became so overwhelming that I genuinely couldn't imagine another way out.

I keep thinking about my mother and how different everything might have been if she were still alive. Maybe she would've protected me, maybe she would've listened, or maybe I would've at least had someone to cry to when everything started falling apart.

Sometimes I even catch myself wondering whether marrying that man would've been easier than living like this. Maybe I could've endured it for a while and eventually gotten divorced I know how terrible that sounds, but when you're constantly fighting just to survive you start questioning every decision you've made.

I spent years studying, dreaming about becoming independent, building a career, and having a normal life. And now, at 24, I feel like I've lost everything before my life has even properly started.

I don't have a family to turn to, I don't have financial stability, and I'm slowly losing the little confidence I had left.

I'm not writing this to ask for just money or sympathy I just needed somewhere to let everything out because keeping it all inside is destroying me... I will be homeless at the end of this month and that make me wanna just get relieved from all this pain and put a conclusion of this suffering.

I just wanted to rest and think and look for jobs while Im in stable situation, I live now with the worst roomate u could have and even tho I'll miss having a bed and bare minimum life cuz I lost hope that I will build my life again

Edit-
I’m sorta grateful he got to see y’all’s POV. I’ll update later, can’t type to much right now.

I

So I woke up and couldn’t find my phone, I already know what that means. Anyways I woke up to all the incriminating photos deleted, little does he know is they were not deleted fully, I am going to put them on a SD card just in case he figures it out. Anyways he called yall my fan club, we are all over exaggerating & he would be better if I was. I asked him if he really read the comments, he kind of dismissed the question. I told him they find you terrifying and abusive saying I need to get away.. its not just me and not me lying, i told him i NEED people to talk to about this bc im not okay. Sadly, this is my tame account, my other account has a lot more violent stuff, that is more so what pissed him off bc he’s what if someone found him out, they won’t find out if you don’t do it 🤷🏻‍♀️.. surprisingly was not that mad though that I thought him, NOW, I’m sure this will be used for later.
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Im scared he'll take the kids if I wind up homeless with them.

My name is on the house, and so is his unfortunately.

My mother and i paid for that house.

Its not right he and his mother get to just bully me out of it.

I left for a month, and it's been the hardest month of my life. Im so tired.

What if I get him to hit me and actually report it this time?

I don't want to get cps involved, they'll take the kids but I guess they're safer with some random foster family at this point.

We're so far out in the desert, im scared I'll get buried out there and he and his mom will tell everyone I ran away again- without the kids this time. They'll never find my body.

He already tells me im lazy and do nothing for our kids. Controls my car. Oh, things escalated when i took my car back. Won't leave my house. Won't let me get a job. I cant leave the kids alone with him.

He and his mom have stolen my mail and other important things.

Im scared to send my son to school because he and/or his mom might "pick him up from school" and never return him.

I just don't know what to do. I keep praying to God that he'll just drop dead of natural causes, but the truth is I was close to having a stress related heart attack in that house.

Even my 4 year old noticed. He tells me "mama you're so happy now." My 18 month old hasn't said "dada" once since we've been gone. Not once.

The best I can think to do is lock myself and our kids in my room whenever he's home and get a boyfriend who works for the police department, since I already re-homed the dog. Im also gonna tell anyone and everyone in that town who will listen what he and his mother are doing to me.

What else can I do? Legally or illegally? Im open to hearing your suggestions.

I dated a man briefly. He was controlling and possessive and petty and vengeful and always had to be right. I thought this was just how he was and didn’t understand it as abusive until he hit me. Now I fear that traditionally “masculine” qualities that I am naturally attracted to may be qualities that many abusive men have.

When you look back at the earlier stages of your relationships, what were the signs? Were there any?

What was your breaking point? What made you say “enough is enough” and gave you the strength to leave? Today he took my food away; he said he was done eating and cleared everything off the table. When I asked for an explanation, he told me to thank him for keeping me in line. Just to be clear, I’m 5.9 feet tall and weigh 140 pounds

Hello, First time poster. (F) I’ll try to keep this condensed as possible for my own peace of mind.

My emotionally abusive ex took his life last week. We had been no contact for eight years, but this still impacted my life.

I’ve been in therapy for a while. I wasn’t ready to reopen the wounds he left in me. In fact, when I wrote in another subreddit I was STILL defending him. It wasn’t until after his funeral that I finally admitted that he abused me. I feel ashamed even saying that because my own brain makes me feel guilty because he didn’t hit or verbally abuse me.

I won’t make a too detailed list but I was neglected, indirectly belittled, picked on, made to feel terrible about myself, never had support in bad moments, had him ignore me during important moments, and never felt good enough to be with him. He was so emotionally unavailable but would love-bomb me if I slipped too far away. It messed with my head. He would have very scary outbursts. If he got angry he was scary and threw things. Once he put his head in the wall and left a huge dent. Or he would ignore me. On top Of that, I used to make the excuse he was probably autistic and just not emotional.

I know that isn’t true. I’m working through it with my therapist now. This isn’t my fault.

We had the same friend group. I adored his parents and siblings. His best friend was one of my close friends. They called me to tell me. I was numb.

My first emotional conflict was crying for this man who hurt me. How could I cry for someone who put me in such a bad place? I cried for the friend I missed and the healing I wanted him to have.

Then feeling resentful. I have had to fight with my own issues with SI (some of which he was there for and didn’t even care.) the resentment of having to be strong and help myself, when he just gets to do this?

After, I felt so guilty. Despite what he did to me, he’s very missed. His parents and friends didn’t deserve this. I know his mom is devastated (I reached out to her.) I feel like a selfish jerk that this person is gone, people are mourning, and I’m only thinking about my own pain.

Now I’m just angry. This is the first time I’m coming to terms with having been abused. I’m embarrassed and blaming myself. I feel like it’s my own fault for staying for five years. I also feel guilty that it could have been worse (I know that’s just trauma.)

I think I’m also reconciling that I never got to tell him to his face that he’s awful for what he did to me.

My question is: has anyone been through similar? Have you had to navigate this? Is it normal to be this conflicted?

Finally, I got rid of my boyfriend who abused me hard. He literally brainwashed me. I am still trying to heal. This is what I was exposed to:

1. He defends women must clean and cook but men doesn't have to.
2. He likes white women, (he is white) I have tanned skin. He asked me to change my skin color by using whitening creams. I told him: no, you knew I have tanned skin from the benginning and you was the one who wanted to be my boyfriend.
3. When I told him I cannot change my skin color, he told me people should do everything for a relationship.
4. One time, when he was coughing, I was worried and asked him if he is ok because it was like he was suffocating. He yelled at me after he cough. I told him I was worried and I care about him. He said curse words for me.
5. I got rings for us, not a wedding ring, it was just the symbol of our relationship, but he did not wear the ring and gave it back to me. At that evening, he cheated on me with a girl who also has tanned skin. I saw he texted her to meet on instagram and gave her his number.
6. He was disgusted by my non-makeup look. I always wore makeup when I am with him. One time I did not wear makeup and he got mad at me, he said I look like a dirty construction worker.
7. When he cheated on me, he gaslighted me. He told me he did not talk flirty with them, they were juat friends. At first I believed in him. However, it repeated and I texted the girl he talked. She sent me messages that he asked her to be his lover and flirty talks. He told me those talks are all fake.
8. He is too fat but he wants a thin woman. My height is 5'8 and my weight is 154 pounds but he called me fat even though he was 310 pounds.
9. He wants a virgin woman to get married but he was not a virgin + he was very sexually active + he was divorced
10. He doesn't like hairy woman. When we met, there was two or three hair on my hand and he said he was disgusted.
11. When I said I needed to sleep, he did not let me go and forced me to talk with him.
12. He told me he was an engineer but actually he was just a high school graduate.
13. He always expected compliments. When I compliment less in a day, he used to tell me I am not romantic.
14. He was addicted to computer games. He had no social life.
15. He believed in a nonsense idea of hierarcy, he told me he is unique and superior than most of the people, including me. (btw he is just a high school graduate while I have bachelors degree, I know two foreign languages, I know sign language, I am an artist, I am a teacher, I can cook well, I am loyal, I am clean, I write poems, I have many certificates etc.
16. He told no woman can be superior than him. He said women is not intelligent as men.
17. He told me if a woman is not beautiful, she is not worth to love.
18. He hates fat women and always made fun of them. I told him being fat may not be people's fault and being fat is not a bad thing, he hated my thoughts.
19. When he doesn't like my ideas, he told me I am nothing but dumb.
20. When he made me cry, he told me I am too emotional and idiot.
21. He was racist to me. He cursed my race wven though I am mixed.
22. He told me I am naive and people would trick me, he told me he would never do that to me.
23. When I tried to break up, he got obsessed with me in a toxic way and threatened me. He told me "I'd kill you" or "I will send your +18 photos to your relatives". (he even bought a fake number so that he can send my private medias to my parents and my relatives) He has many guns and I was so scared that I had to stay with him and pretended to love him for a long time.
24. At the end of the story, I escaped and my parents protected me (hopefully)

Now I am safe and free but I still try to heal and gain my self-confidence again. I have a lot of trauma. Now he has a new girlfriend but he still tries to contact with me. I never talked him again. Blocked him and changed my number.

I (30F) have been with my bf (32M) for 5 year. He was the sweetest partner ever for the first year of our relationship, but it’s gone downhill ever since. One of the biggest turning points was after he met my abusive family. My mom is probably a narcissist (no formal diagnosis but fits the description perfectly), and she clashed hard with my boyfriend. I already had 1 foot out the door with my parents but their fighting lead me to cut ties with them. My parents wanted me to break up with him, he wanted me to cut them off. I cut them off.

I’ve had therapists over the years tell me I am being abused by my boyfriend, emotionally and not directly physically but physically (cornering me, punching holes in walls, throwing things etc) but lately my boyfriend has been telling me I am the abusive one.

He points out ways that I’m behaving like my abusive mom, ways that I’m just like her, ways that I am manipulating him (for example: ordering food for the both - he’s unemployed - as a form of love bombing to make him feel indebted to me and taking advantage of his dependence on me financially) I always felt I was doing something kind, but lately I’ve been questioning my own behavior if it’s something toxic I subconsciously picked up from watching my mom manipulate circumstances to get her way. He often says I am playing the victim, like my mother, to make him seem like a monster and deflect accountability for how my actions caused him to react the way he does.

I am very confused and just wondering how someone can tell if they are the abuser or not. I’ve spent so many years of my life trying to be nothing like my mom, but I also know she always made me feel like the problem so I’m just confused.

I was in a relationship with a man who was cheating on me for the majority of the relationship, and when I found out about it and connected with his other partner, he started blowing up at me attacking me, threatening my career, threatening to send my nudes to people on my contact list. I’m terrified and I don’t know what to do.

Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/1wqli6z/found_out_my_45f_ex_husband_44m_has_convinced/

I hope this is the correct way to post an update. I couldn't find anything about that in the rules. I wanted to update after my therapy appointment happened. I actually sent my therapist the post, and she read it herself. She said she was very grateful I got such helpful responses to my post, and was glad those who shared their stories and commented helped me so much.

I am grateful as well. I don't know if I would have been in as good a place mentally by the time my appointment rolled around if I hadn't made the post, and gotten so many wonderful comments and messages. My therapist and I are going to focus on this abusive relationship in my upcoming appointments. Until the friend reached out I don't think I even realized just how traumatized I had been by what my ex husband (lets call him T) did to me.

My therapy sessions were mostly about the abuse I endured as a child, and teenager. We hadn't really started on my adult abuse experiences. So now we are going to focus on those more. Thank you all for helping me feel validated, and seen. It means the world to me. Keep doing what you're doing.

As for the friend who started me on this experience well I cut ties with her. We hadn't talked to many years so it was an easy choice. I don't wish her any ill will, and told her as much. I made sure to let her know that I understood why she thought I needed to know the information she shared with me, and that while I didn't hate her for it I couldn't trust that she would respect my wishes in the future since she couldn't respect them this time.

After I confirmed she had seen the message I blocked her. I hope she is doing well, and not being too hard on herself. She really didn't mean anything bad from it. Thank you all again. I hope you are all doing well.

I found out my ex is in a new relationship with a girl he used to work with about 2 weeks ago. We dated for 4 years and he broke up with me abruptly over text about 5 months ago, we haven’t spoken since I dropped off all his things and blocked him on all platforms. Of course, I have kept him blocked, so I am only finding out about the relationship now…they have been dating for about 4 months (meaning yes, he was seeing her a few weeks after we ended).

He is one of the scariest people I have met, he is extremely controlling and manipulative. His ex warned me about him 3 years ago and I didn’t listen when I wish I had. Genuinely, he nearly destroyed me. I was constantly anxious, I was isolated from my friends, my self worth had never been lower and I’m still trying to undo all the damage I have taken over the years.

I feel a need to warn her woman to woman, but I want absolutely nothing to do with him. And my fear is that he will find a way to contact me. I’m in two minds over this, part of me wants to keep my peace, stay FAR away from anything to do with him and mind my business, but the other part of me is screaming to help her- I wish someone had done that for me.

Thoughts?

My partner has a high libido, ADHD, impulse control and emotional regulation issues.

We have nearly everyday, on average 40 minutes. Sometimes even twice a day. The more sex we have, the more stimulation he desires and the harder it gets for him to finish.

It's caused a lot of issues. I have tried setting boundaries as I prefer to have sex 3 times a week but I have struggled a lot with it due to him constantly initiating sex or getting sexual anytime we show affection, and despite saying I am not in the mood.

I also cave in because he gets moody and withdraws emotionally/physically around 2 days of no sex.

He also crossed my boundaries a lot, ignoring me when I only agree to do certain acts. If I say no, he also tries to negotiate what he can do. He also knows I have a fawn response and dissociate, especially after I have already expressed my boundaries.

It also doesn’t matter what time we go to bed, if we have had an exhausting day or if we had sex earlier... he always wants to get it off. He is even happy to have me laying there doing nothing or waiting outside the bedroom or have me sleep on my own in another room just so he can jerk off if I dont give him sex.

Everytime I have been on my period or near it, he starts complaining about how he won't get sex. Then, he obviously withdraws emotionally and physically, under the guise of "he has had a hard day and needs space"

We go to bed and he doesn’t want to cuddle or show affection because he is "tired and wants space" but this happens EVERYTIME i am on my period or if he knows he won't be getting anything.

Then I try confronting him, asking him why it's okay for him to push sex on me when I don't feel like it or have sex with me when I am tired or in pain before bed, yet I have to respect his space?

He just ignores me, I start spiraling and then he starts saying how I don't respect him and that I am manipulating him.

I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like the dynamic is really unfair and emotionally distressing. Also physically distressing too because I feel used for sex and tossed to the side when he can't get it. He only praises me and showers me with affection when he wants sex or when I have given him an amazing time....

He is going through a hard time. He is depressed, hates his work, hates his life and hates our home... he may even hate me.

I just don't get it.

I don't think its fair to give someone the cold shoulder, not communicate properly you need space yet expect sex from them everyday and show conditional love and affection

I have a bad relationship with my father in that we hardly talk and usually he will try to talk to me if I have done something wrong. He also gets frustrated at me for not talking to him. I honestly don't know what is going on because I have very bad anxiety so I get scared to talk to him and avoid being around him altogether just so that he doesn't initiate conversation with me. I am scared of him but I don't think that is saying much because my anxiety spikes from social interaction in general and I frequently avoid social situations for that reason. I generally will get anxious for no apparent reason, even if I have no thoughts in my head, so I don't think that that is really a good measure of whether or not he's abusive.

Also, he is very short tempered and irritable frequently and tends to be immature when he is upset in that he deflects, shifts blame, yells, will say things as though he is the victim but every time I try to research about abuse, it kind of seems like people have it much worse and that makes me question if my situation is even that bad. Because it seems like emotional abuse tends to be defined by a lot of verbal insults, belittling, manipulating, etc., but my dad and I barely talk anymore and even though he does get angry and can be insulting, it's often due to things that I do wrong and it's not very frequent honestly. Most of the time, we won't talk and if he's in a good mood, he will be fine. Maybe he is very flawed but that doesn't have to equate to abuse. Maybe, he just has toxic tendencies because he was never taught any better by his own abusive parents. I'm not saying that subconscious manipulation and such do not constitute abuse, but just that I don't know if my situation is severe enough to be considered abuse.

Actually, I'm very priveleged. He has done a lot for me, especially financially. I should be grateful and I feel guilty for complaining about abuse when most people who deal with abuse have heinous stories. And I know that anger that is expressed via yelling and such is not good but I guess I am wondering if it was more the situation than abusive tendencies that caused him to be this way. Because when I was younger and more responsible and talkative, he was still generally short-tempered but would be nice otherwise. When I got older and started dealing with more mental health issues, I started becoming a lot more closed off, a lot less responsible, and avoided him a lot more. It would make sense to be frustrated if you can't get through to someone right? If you're a parent and your child constantly makes stupid errors and won't tell you about it or talk to you about it until and unless you happen to find out and if they just generally don't talk to you or maintain a relationship with you and if they get quiet when you yell at them and don't respond, you might be driven to yell to get a response out of them. And in that context, if he yells and calls me irresponsible, it isn't wrong given that I am very irresponsible. It's not necessarily toxic right? It's not like he called me awful names.

One thing I will say is not great about him for certain though is that he is controlling. He makes a lot of decisions for me without my consent and I can't say anything because not only am I dependent on him, but also he is right that I am not repsonsible and cannot handle it. But I hate that my privacy is sometimes invaded upon. He can also be very judgmental and I hate that I have to be careful around him depending on his mood that day. When he does something wrong, he will not apologize but sometimes will try to fix it but the issue is that he does those things in the first place. Usually if he does apologize, it is followed by victim statements such as "I guess I'm just awful" or justifications of why my behavior compelled him to act that way. I hate his tone and facial expressions when he talks to me because it looks like he is disgusted or looking down on me when he talks sometimes, especially when he is pissed about something. But that is so subjective that I don't know if I can even complain about that. It makes it hard for me to approach him though and often when he wants to have discussions, his tone sounds more like he is demanding answers rather than trying to talk about something normally. He is also not emotionally affectionate in general but does expect it from others and seems to only ever be affectionate when we are in the presence of others, particularly people he knows. It makes me feel even angrier than if he hadn't paid attention to me because it's clear that he does it for show. Strangely enough though, if he is very upset, he will openly yell at me in front of other people. He also likes to make jokes that are insulting even if the other person has already expressed being upset by them. I hate that I crave his approval and feel hopeful when he starts being nice to me. I wish he was fully and blatantly terrible sometimes so that it would be easier for me to hate him and never look back. But I do feel bad. I am here complaining about abuse when he definitely does work hard to pay for me while I am mostly lazy and demotivated. I really think I should just die most of the time.

I'm sorry this is so all over the place; I just don't know how to sort this because I don't trust my judgment at all, particularly due to my already crazy levels of anxiety and tendency to be neurotic. My moods and emotions are rarely ever stable and I can't make sense of anything. So much of this is hard to talk about because so much of it is due to my own perception. The only thing I know for sure is that he is very abusive to my mom but not as much to me and my siblings, if at all.

I need advice regarding a California custody case while living in Idaho.

I am 22 years old, and my son recently turned one. His father and I are currently fighting over custody in California, even though I have been living in Idaho since October of last year. His father filed his case in March of this year. I travel back to California approximately every other month so that our son can spend time with his father.

My current custody situation and financial responsibilities

For now, I have full physical custody and primary responsibility for my son. He lives with me, and I handle his daily care and financial needs. I have been financially responsible for raising him, including covering his expenses and making sure he has what he needs. His father has not consistently contributed financially and only recently sent me approximately $150 last month. This happened after another woman threw it in my face that he had been spending money on her. Meanwhile, I have continued carrying the financial responsibility of raising our son.

His father is asking the court for full custody, and I want to maintain full physical custody while sharing legal custody, if appropriate for my situation. His father also wants his mother to share custody. I have concerns about his mother's behavior toward me and certain safety concerns involving my son.

**Evidence his father is using against me**

His father has recordings of private conversations that I did not know were being recorded. He is using them to make claims about my mental health and my ability to parent.

* He claims I have postpartum depression and am suicidal. I have attended therapy, and my medical documentation states that there were no signs of suicidal behavior. After a family member died, I made a statement about not wanting to breathe, but I was grieving and did not mean that I intended to end my life.

* He has a recording of me discussing a fight I got into at a party. I mentioned it after he called me scary and weak, and I felt pressured to defend myself.

* He is using my scoliosis as an issue in the custody case, even though it has not prevented me from caring for my son.

I am concerned about how these recordings will be interpreted and whether they can be used in court, especially because I did not know I was being recorded.

**My missed mediation**

I previously missed mediation because of a family emergency. The court rescheduled it and warned me that I could be fined if I missed it again.

For the rescheduled mediation, I asked the judge whether I should call the same number I used for my remote court hearing. I understood the judge to say yes. When I called, I discovered I was in the wrong place. I tried contacting the clerk, called another number I was given, and followed instructions to find the correct mediation contact information. There was confusion, and I spent time trying to reach the right people. I was also communicating with my son's father, who said he had spoken to the mediation staff and that they would give me a few extra minutes.

By the time I reached the correct contact, I was told the mediation was being dismissed. I genuinely tried to attend and was not intentionally avoiding the process. I am worried about the consequences and need to know what I can do next.

**Evidence I have against the father and concerns involving his family**

I have text messages that I believe show aggressive or violent behavior by his father, controlling or inappropriate communication, and his lack of consistent financial contributions. I can also document that I have been financially responsible for my son and that his father only recently sent me approximately $150.

I have concerns about his mother's behavior toward me, including an incident involving my son's chocolate allergy after she had been told about it. I am mentioning his mother because his father wants full custody while also seeking an arrangement in which his mother shares custody.

I also have medical notes from when I was pregnant documenting concerns about verbal and emotional abuse by his father and his family.

How I was served:

On April 20, 2026, I was with my son's father in California. During the events leading up to my being served with custody papers, I was asleep, and his father went through my phone and questioned me. I told him that I wanted to leave. He said he was hungry, and I got him food. Afterward, the argument continued, and his behavior became increasingly aggressive.

While his father was driving, I felt that I was not being allowed to leave the vehicle. When we arrived at a parking lot, I recognized someone approaching and began to panic because I felt that I was being set up. I repeatedly screamed for his father to let me out of the car. When I attempted to open the door, he repeatedly locked the doors.

Eventually, I managed to get out of the vehicle and attempted to open the back door to retrieve my son. His father pulled me back into the car. During this incident, a man approached and served me with the custody papers.

I later identified the man as someone who had previously been in a relationship with my son's paternal grandmother and who personally knew my son's father. The man was driving the paternal grandmother's car when he served me.

Earlier that day, before we went to get food, my son's father had stepped out of his own vehicle and spoken with his mother. I saw them speaking, but I did not hear their conversation and cannot say what they discussed.

The timing of these events, along with the relationship between the person who served me and my son's father's family, caused me to question whether the service had been coordinated in advance.

**My main questions**

1. What should I do immediately after missing mediation, especially when I made multiple attempts to attend?

2. Can I request another mediation appointment and explain the confusion to the court?

3. Could California still have jurisdiction over custody even though I have lived in Idaho since October and his father filed in March?

4. How should I respond to the recordings and allegations about my mental health?

5. Can recordings made without my knowledge be used in a California custody case?

6. How should I organize and present my evidence of alleged abuse, financial contributions, and safety concerns?

7. What factors should I focus on to support my request for full physical custody and shared legal custody?

8. Can his father obtain full custody or have his mother share custody simply because he is requesting it?

I want to protect my son's stability and best interests while making sure the court has an accurate picture of my parenting, the financial responsibilities I carry, and the situation between his father and me. I would appreciate advice on the most urgent steps I should take and any legal resources available to someone in my circumstances.

I only just realised after the breakup I’ve been loved bombed and I’ve been non stop crying all week. We started talking at the end of July. We got on so well. Within a matter of days he was telling me how much he really liked me and we hadn’t even met. When we went on our first date it was amazing! Like I said we got on so well. We went on more dates and I had a great time. He bought me gifts, over complimented me and told me I was perfect- all within 2 weeks. On our 4th date in three weeks he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was shocked but I’d never felt so chosen before and was happy so I said yes.

He showered me with so many compliments and gifts and I thought this was love. He told me he was in love with me like a week after we were officially together. I always felt anxious around him as weeks went on, but I just put that down to nervousness cause I really liked him. He basically put me on a pedestal. He texted me consistently throughout the day! Like if I went off my phone for a few hours he would be confused. He didn’t really like me going out with my friends and would say stuff like u should spend time with me more. Obviously at the time I felt like he had my best interests, and maybe I did feel a little safe with him.

He would say things like he’d never felt like this before about someone and that he doesn’t know what he would do without me. And I’m like a stupid idioit girl I fell for it. All because I wanted someone to chose me for once.

I’m crying as I type this. One day last week he called me basically saying that he’s going through things mentally and that he cannot be in this relationship anymore. And it ended. 2 months just gone like that. I’ve never cried like this before.

To make things worse, my friend who has been dating a guy and taking it slow for the past few months has told me she’s finally in a relationship. I’m so happy for her she deserves this, however I’m so embarrassed for myself because I really thought someone could fall in love with me in weeks.

I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying. It’s been a week and I’m still struggling. Why am I so loving? Why am I so stupid to fall for something like this? I feel like I can never trust anyone again and I just feel numb. I was angry earlier about it and now I’m upset.

I’m so sorry if this is all over the place but I’m just so upset and I really don’t know what to do.

24F, 24M. together for6 months. As the story goes. we didn’t use protection. it was valentine’s day (of course; insert eye roll). we came at the same time and he came inside me. long story short, I got pregnant. it wasn’t even an option for me to keep it. I was told I would have to kill my unborn baby and I was so scared to stand up for myself because I didn’t want him to leave me. yes, it was toxic and abusive. I had to go to the clinic and take the pill alone. most traumatic experience of my life, while he went out to the bar with his friends. that was 2 years ago. flash forward today and I still have flashbacks and panic about what happened, nightmares and a whole lot of what ifs. it’s killing me slowly. and now my ex is engaged in a happy relationship after leaving me. long rant. but short take is : how the hell am I supposed to move on from this? I am in a new relationship and still have flashbacks to this day. How will I ever move on? why was it so easy for him to move on and he had no consequences for his actions? please help.

how am I supposed to move on from this?

Hello!

I think I am having a hard time understanding/accepting how people can be ok with someone's abusive behaviors towards their partners/people/ex? I am sorry for a pretty long post!:

I faced multifaceted abuse for 4 years during the relationship and relentless intrusion/narrative control for 5 years after, by my 2nd ex.. Since the relationship, he has come to work 10 minutes from my house (during the relationship, he complained about the drive back and forth and mocked the area I lived in), he then started working at this timeshare he only knew through my family, knew me and my family frequented often and loved so much, and chatted them up/offering them free drinks and so on. We stopped going due to me finally telling them about the abuse, showing screenshots/photos etc and having a mental breakdown over it. Since the relationship, he would make comments pointed towards me publicly while leaving out all of what he did.. making himself seem like the victim (an angel with a halo and the woman as a devil after a pointed comment), shaming others for behaviors that he had done to me as well, etc. I did block him a bit after the relationship, but then intrusions started happening (I still had some mutuals... which I know I should have blocked too..)

Now he has adopted the same safe spaces/areas and hobbies and even fabricated a lie about me publicly last year (he has done this before, but his biggest one was last year). Acting as if he was the victim of me and we were on a "messy break" before what would have been our anniversary if we were still together (it was a more specifically pointed post...).

He did hide who he was during the relationship (with no help from me, but I was so confused because he would use my past abusive relationship, the fact he has more friends than me, and I also just knew I wouldn't be believed because of how everyone viewed him.. I did try to reach out to people though.. But tbh I was also mostly surrounded by just his friends at that point..), but since then, he publicly makes threats (like threatening to spit in customers' drinks over minor requests/threatening to stab people over something minor/punched a hole in the wall over a minor scratch on his car, which made one of his friends start believing me and tell me), degrades and mocks hurting women (calls women derogatory names, brags about some harm he causes/has caused and blames the women/casual misogyny), sees himself in Homelander and sympathizes with characters like him and men accused of harming their partners/exes... etc a lot.. Some even admitted that he could be controlling.. And found it more believable now that he was abusing me because of the way that he is now.. Some did admit he has social power and can be very charismatic and some of the things he would go and brag about to them were... what made some of them start side-eyeing him..

But so many still see him as this great, genuine guy who would never hurt someone and worship him..? Even those who do know what he did to me (and apparently was questioning why I was with him during the relationship....) would feel a type of way towards me when I would refuse to go to events they invited us both to if he was going and would be like, "You guys haven't been together in a while, so it should be ok"/"He doesn't care about you so why do you care about him?" (A bit of background: the relationship consisted of: Emotional/Sexual/Psychological/Financial/Verbal Abuse, Coercive Control, and Physical Intimidation and manipulation and some hasn't stopped since the relationship ended.. He would show up when I would say no/punish me for simple things or my feelings, etc. It was very bad to the point I really considered.. you know.. He "didn't want anyone else to have me"... and it was just really bad overall..).. When I decided to stop being friends with them, they were mad at me...?

He even uses some of his tactics on them..? Even women who post against abusive men like him... Support him and attack me despite how he is publicly/towards women and all of the evidence I have..? Since "he did nothing to me or behind my back in front of them," etc.. and I just don't get it..? Not even that, but the women he was trying to cheat with (and did cheat with... even whose reputations he ruined at their job...) blame me..? And I think I am just having such a hard time with injustice no matter how much therapy I have been doing, no matter how much I try to practice acceptance, no matter how much research.... And I just feel really isolated in this experience with him, weirdly enough.. Idk... And it just sucks that I feel differently about going places now.. I am mostly home all the time now.. Just so much changed.. I honestly wish I could understand this more.. I just feel stuck or crazy (same like in the relationship tbh..)

Last Sunday, my husband got drunk and told me he was going for a bike ride. He was gone for a really long time, and it was dark, so I started to worry. When he finally got home, he admitted that he’d actually been at the bar. He asked if I was mad, and I said yes.

From there, he went from 0 to 100. He started telling me that I control him, that he wants to do whatever he wants, and that I need to shut the fuck up. He got louder and louder, and when I told him to stop yelling at me, he screamed at me at the top of his lungs. I don’t even remember exactly what he said. I was just so scared. He knows I grew up with an abusive father, and he uses that against me when he’s angry.

I started crying because I was scared, and he started mocking me, calling me a bitch, and telling me to shut the fuck up over and over again. I just shut down. I cried and cried because I was terrified and genuinely thought he was going to hurt me. He’s never physically hurt me before, but he’s an alcoholic with anger issues and is generally an asshole. He had just never been that aggressive toward me before.

After a while, he started feeling bad and began love-bombing me. It was late, and I wanted to go to sleep because I had work in the morning. Instead, he came into the bedroom and laid on top of me. I started crying again because I was afraid he was going to sexually assault me. Eventually, he stumbled back into the living room.

The next day, I contacted a domestic violence hotline because I genuinely wasn’t sure whether what I was experiencing counted as domestic violence. They confirmed that it did, and something inside me just broke. I called my mom and told her what had happened. She told me that he will escalate and she would never let me get beaten the way my dad beat her, and she came over to help me pack up some of my things and my pets.

I stayed at my mom’s for three days, and I felt so light and happy being around her and my siblings. But it was crowded, and I don’t feel comfortable around my mom’s boyfriend, so staying there isn’t an ideal long-term solution.

Since coming home, though, I cannot stand my husband. He’s doing this weird thing where he’s still an asshole but acts all sheepish whenever I say anything, almost like he’s the victim because I left. He pretends to be sad and apologetic, but he still says fucked-up things. It feels like he wants me to feel bad for him without actually taking responsibility for what happened.

I really just want to run away and disappear while he’s asleep, but I can’t figure out how to do that because my name is the only one on the lease, and he refuses to leave. I can’t afford the $5,000 fee to break the lease. He’s also told me he’ll kill himself if I leave him.

I just feel so stuck. I know what happened wasn’t okay, and I know I don’t want to keep living like this. I just don’t know how to get out.

I’m sorry that it took me this long to see how bad things have gotten. I’m sorry that it took me this long to start packing my things and leaving. I wish that people knew how hard it is to not only be in an abusive relationship, but to release yourself from one. The fear that comes with it. The fear of retaliation. If he hurts me now, what is he willing to do later on? If he threatens me now and is psychologically abusive, how far is he willing to go to make my life hell once he catches on to the fact that I’m leaving? So many people want to judge someone like me, but if they haven’t been stuck in a spiderweb like this, they can’t really begin to tell me what I should or shouldn’t have done. I wish they would have listened and not casted such harsh judgement onto me. My own family won’t talk to me. All because I admitted that he was abusing me. It was a call for help. I didn’t know where to begin or how to free myself. I just wanted someone to hear me. But I guess this is something that will help me gain my strength back. Something that I will have to figure out on my own. I know that fire in me is still there. It’s just not as bright because it was dimmed from the fear. I realized that I can’t let fear stop me from living. I deserve to have that fire burn bright in me. I don’t need to hide it because I lived with a monster who couldn’t recognize or tolerate the light. I will emerge from this darkness. And when I do, I will prove every single person wrong that doubted me or abandoned me in this time of weakness. Yesterday I packed my things. I started the process of physically releasing myself from his grasp. I’ve been preparing mentally for a while. But the physical part feels so scary. Last night he grabbed me. He also reminded me that he could end me emotionally, physically, and mentally. I’m sorry that I was blind for so long. And I’m mostly sorry to myself. I should have had more self worth and never let a monster take that away. Today is the first day of my new life. And the rest of my life. I’m taking back my power. I will find my peace again. To anyone who is going through something similar, just know i am here rooting for you. I’ll be your cheerleader. Don’t let anyone take away your light. Go find it. And go find all of the reasons why life is worth living.

With love,

The new me✨💕

I( 27F) have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years, but he physically abuses me. Our families are discussing marriage. Should I leave?
I’m 27F, and I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost five years. He is an IIT graduate, professionally well-established, and an only child. I come from an established Marwari family, and he is from Bihar.
For the longest time, I genuinely believed we would get married. He can be incredibly caring and loving, and I do believe he has strong feelings for me. He often says that he has nobody in this world apart from me, and because he is an only child, I feel responsible for his emotional well-being. This makes the situation much harder for me.
He told his parents about our relationship in 2025, but they were initially unwilling to agree to the marriage. I returned to India in September 2025. I told my parents about him in February 2026, and they agreed to the marriage within about a month.
However, his parents kept postponing things, giving different reasons, including relocation plans and his mother’s health. After months of waiting, we finally met his parents in September 2026.
They invited us for a private dinner, but I felt that I was bullied and humiliated during the meeting. I had hoped things would improve once the families met, but instead, I came away feeling even more uncertain about the future.
The biggest issue, though, is my boyfriend’s behaviour.
He can be extremely aggressive during arguments. He sometimes beats himself with objects when he gets angry, and he has also physically assaulted me multiple times. He hit me on my birthday, and he hit me again today. He also body-shames me, degrades me, and sometimes behaves as though his educational and professional achievements make him superior to me.
I keep trying to understand him because I know his caring side. I keep thinking about the five years we have spent together, our plans for marriage, and how difficult it would be to walk away from everything we have built.
Part of me wonders whether his aggression comes from emotional issues, family circumstances, or difficulty controlling his anger. Another part of me is frightened about what my life would look like after marriage if this continues.
I also feel confused because he can be so loving and supportive at other times. I don’t know how to reconcile that version of him with the person who hurts and humiliates me.
My parents have agreed to the marriage, and I am struggling with the thought of telling them what is really happening. I am also scared of throwing away five years of my life and later wondering whether things could have changed.
My questions are:
Can a man genuinely love you and still repeatedly abuse you?
Is there any realistic reason to believe this behaviour will change after marriage?
Am I making excuses for him because I am emotionally attached and have invested five years in this relationship?
If you were in my position, would you end the relationship, even if he promised to change?
How do I move forward when I still love him but am beginning to fear what our future could look like?
I am looking for honest advice from people who have experienced similar situations. Please be direct with me. I don’t want to make a life-changing decision based only on my emotions, but I also don’t want to ignore serious warning signs simply because we have been together for so long.

officially calling it quits even though I have been mentally checked out for a while!
28 (F) 38 (M)

Context :

I met this wonderful handsome, generous, kind man in early spring 2025. We started getting to know each other, had a couple of low profile dates. After a couple of weeks we finally had sex and I started staying over at his house..

I would be over there everyday (even if I wanted to be alone in my own apartment) he would always call me and say “I’ll be there in 20 minutes” and I felt like I couldn’t say no.. this happened for a while, close to 2-3 months of going back n forth, picking up clothes, never staying the night at my own apartment, coming to feed the cat etc before I finally asked him “why don’t I just move in?”

1. I’m neglecting my cat
   
2. Im never home but paying for rent
   
3. The relationship seemed to be heading in a positive happy way

It started very slowly.. the control, the abuse, the complete annihilation of my autonomy & self.

He made me get rid of my cat.. He wouldn’t let me leave the house by myself. He never offered to help me with packing my apartment so the DAY before I had to hand over my keys, I had to clean and have everything out.. I ended up hiring junk removal to take ALL my stuff. & he had no regard for my personal belongings, I couldn’t take anything simply he didn’t want it in his apartment.

Just like that, with no ability to turn back without being homeless, I was in his apartment..

Couple weeks go by, the control is ramping up. I’ve always taken transit to get to work but now I couldn’t. He HAD to drop me off. Anyways, I ended up losing my job over tardiness. He would insist on taking a 40 min shower when I had to leave.

I ended up finding another part time but didn’t last very long for the exact same reason.

At this point, he is going through my phone, making me block and delete everyone I know. Calling me a whore, using the stories/experiences I had told him in confidence against me. I deleted my social accounts, changed my number, stopped hanging out with my friends, I wasn’t allowed to do anything or go anywhere without him.

I was stuck.

He’s starting to get emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. I’d be sobbing every night from how little he would make me feel, how silenced I felt, how stupid I felt, how trapped and utterly confused I was.. I couldn’t believe that just a few short months earlier, I had my own apartment, my own furniture, my own income….

2 more months go by and SURPRISE! I’m pregnant!

The physical and emotional abuse only got worse.. he would grab me by the throat and choke me, slam me against the walls, push me and knock me down, slap me, scream at me, intimidate me, threaten me..

I tried to leave several times, every time he convinced me to stay. He’s gonna change, things will be different. They never were.

As the pregnancy progressed, the abuse didn’t stop. He would still choke me, slap me, scream at me, intimate me..

There were a few moments where we got closer as I started to get a big ol’ belly and my hormones were making me want to be loved and to love..

But it didn’t last, the day I went into labor he was more concerned about missing work than tending to me.. I had an emergency C-section that I’m convinced would not have happened if :

1. He had tended to me and helped me through, helped me to clean myself and prepare for labor
   
2. If my mom had been ‘allowed’ to be there

Fast forward….

Our baby is almost 1. I’ve been very patient. Counting the months until he turns 1.
The abusive has lessened slightly but a couple of times he has given me good bruises, made my lip bleed from slapping me so hard, choked me and shoved me around like a rag doll.

Twice I have fought back over self defense.

Our child has been outside maybe 3 times. He doesn’t have his vaccines (he doesn’t believe in them) I’m not allowed to go for a walk by myself. I’m not allowed outside, period (unless I’m supervised) he embarrasses me in public because I’m “walking too fast” “I’m not following his rule of always staying to the right” he tells me when to cross the street, as if im a child that is going to run out into traffic.

Honestly I’m just disgusted.. I don’t see him the same at all. We don’t even sleep in the same room.

My final straw is this…
We had sex last week, he came in me while I’m ovulating. I had to take plan B. I’m still postpartum. Now I have a UTI and I need antibiotics, I told him I was going to the pharmacy and he said no. If I leave the house just watch what happens to me.. my mom came to drop off the meds for me.

After everything, after every slap, all those times he put his hands on my neck and bruised me/bled. Denying me access to the pharmacy was my wake up call to get out.

So that is what I’m doing. I’m going to go to a home for abused woman and restart my life. I’m going to get custody of my baby, get my license, get an education and have my freedom back. My autonomy. My rights as a human being.

Please learn from my mistakes..

Wish me luck.

(My ex, my current partner, and myself are all women in our early 20s)

My relationship with my (physically, sexually, emotionally, etc etc abusive) ex officially ended just over two years ago, and I was able to go fully no contact a year and a half ago. My new partner and I have been dating for a couple of months, and her and I were close friends before getting together. Obviously dating again after significant abuse is hard, but my current partner is very understanding and is helping me process.

One thing I am struggling with and don’t know how to address, though, is that I am struggling to fall asleep next to my current partner. By the end of the relationship with my ex, I was barely sleeping due to the stress and fear. Now that I’m with my new partner, even though I know that I’m safe, I find that I’m back to my old sleeping patterns. It takes me hours and hours to fall asleep, and when I finally do, I’m waking up many times in the night. It’s starting to impact my daily life- I’m exhausted at work (dangerous considering my job), taking naps during the day, and going to sleep extremely early every night she’s not here.

I know the best thing for me to do would be therapy, but that is not financially possible at the moment. Even if it was, my work schedule makes it nearly impossible to schedule regular appointments. Does anyone have any suggestions of other things to try? Workbooks, things to read, tricks that helped you?

Thank you in advance!