Hello! Im gonna try and be as conscientious about what im saying and what terms to use as possible but some of my lingo may be outdated and im generally sort of frazzled rn.
So im AMAB (19) and last night It feels like my theoretical egg mightve exploded or maybe just cracked or maybe theres no egg and im crazy. Idk. I was scrolling through this sub because admittedly ive always found strange enjoyment whenever Ive found comments in the wild that are just so blatantly trans egg comments. Something about the hope I feel seeing them and knowing there's someone behind the comment who will hopefully figure out their identity some day just brings me joy. But I digress the point is I was wondering if there was a place i could find comments like that to use as an example in an online convo I was in, but instead i ended up on a post with someone wondering if they were trans fem and frankly it was sounding eerily relatable. Scrolling through the comments I was seeing things and experiences ive never really heard of from trans people I know in real life, and it really started scaring me but in like a good way? Like i almost felt buzzed, my heart was racing and my mind became clearer (there were no illicit substances involved). Then i found the gender dysphoria Bible, and even though i haven't finished reading it all the way through the descriptions I was seeing for what dysphoria actually was, was not only different than what I had thought, but were also increasingly relatable the more i read on. For example ive been sort of aware that as of late (and really for a long time atp) ive been sort of in a consistent state of derealization and depersonalization. Throughout my whole life ive sort of rejected hyper masculinity as a whole and have generally had conflicts with my mom as far as what she wanted me to wear growing up and how she wanted my hair (she always wanted it so short like why). But it was my understanding for a while that dysphoria was more of a conscious concept, somthing more easily recognizable and intermediate. I was also under the impression that it was manly bodily and that if I really had dysphoria itd have more to do with wanting boobs or changing genitals and such. But the real kicker was when the dysphoria Bible mentioned the analogy with the caveman trapped in the dark, who feels safe in the dark but eventually comes around to the light because he realizes its just better there. I think that was the most relatable thing to me. I'll even say that lately since ive been buying my own clothes and stuff ive just genuinely feeling so awful in the mens section. Everything is so bland and boxy and devoid of color it pisses me off to no end. Only recently though, the last time I went i decided to just say fuck it and start looking around the women's section, and like immediately all of their coats and clothes made more sense to me, although the sizes were too small and generally confusing, but im kind of huge anyhow.
I have a lot more on that list, and I even did end up questioning my gender a little bit this past summer. The thing about that though was I was on the wrong adhd med for me so tbh in hindsight I was a little fucked up and it was effecting my mood a lot. Just the same though i was questioning if I was male, but at that time I felt like there was no way I was female, so i decided to look into being non binary instead. ( id also like to mention that this was in part because i had sort of just caved to my mom for the first time and decided to get a shorter masculine haircut just to see if maybe she was on to something. I hated it so much i genuinely missed my medium hair length for months.) While it was an interesting experience to say the least I really wasn't vibing with or relating to the NBs I was reading and hearing experiences from, so in the end i sort of just let it go. And then afterward I had thought it mightve just been the meds making me feel weird. But now im on the right adhd meds and have been for about 2 months now.
Last night almost felt like a fever dream. I let myself imagine myself as a girl and almost involuntarily imagined if I had girly features like long eyelashes or a higher pitch voice. I sort of tried to hang on to the feeling as much as I could and as much as it felt like i should stop i also felt like that if i didn't explore this now I dont know that'll happen. I felt electric. I felt it while I did the dishes and while I was on a call with my friends. I lost sleep over it and the most frightening thing to me is that it was still there when I woke up and is still there as I write this.
And really that is my issue right now. Im so confused by what im feeling and if I really am trans, and like if I am then how could I ever tell people. You must know i look like a bear, very hairy with a beard, overweight, and balding, quite large (and tbh ive never liked the beard and the balding makes me want to cry). It just doesn't feel conceivable that if im trans i would be able to transition and i frankly am still having trouble trusting myself right now. Maybe im misinterpreting signals or theres some medical thing going on that im unaware of. Idk. It all feels so visceral and im having trouble comprehending it. Too much emotions.
Anyways this is just a really really long ramble that could probably be longer if I wanted but ill leave it off here. Im terrified to tell people in case it isn't true but I have someone in mind. Tell me what you think.
Ps. Streetcat by Flavor Foley has been pounding in my brain since this happened