16 M. I want to start by saying that I’d like to know whether what I’ve been feeling could be enough to justify seeking a therapist or someone who specializes in gender identity. I’ve been having thoughts that make me wonder whether I could be trans, but I’m still unsure. I also don’t want to be disrespectful toward people who experience gender dysphoria more intensely than I do, if what I have could even be dysphoria.
These thoughts really started coming to the surface at the beginning of May, when I decided to explore them instead of continuing to ignore them, which I feel I’d been doing for too long.
For a few years, I’d occasionally had this thought: *“How much more coherent would my life be if I’d been born a girl?”*
I’m not entirely sure how to explain it, but I don’t mean it in the way some guys say they’d love to be girls because they could do sexual things or whatever. I mean it seriously. I’ve often felt that if I’d always been a girl, my identity, my personality, and my life in general would make much more sense. I also think I’d be happier.
Eventually, I decided to start recording my thoughts in my phone’s notes app. I didn’t actually type them out; I talked to my phone and let it transcribe everything because I can express myself much better by speaking than by writing.
Surprisingly, this helped me a lot. It felt almost as if I were explaining my thoughts to another person, even though I obviously knew I wasn’t. I’d never really tried to put these feelings into words before, not even for myself.
After a few days of doing this, I came up with a thought experiment that I later discovered was a common one among trans people: the Button.
I’m fairly sure I don’t need to explain how it works in this subreddit, BUT, I gave myself a little twist than the usual.
The standard button:From the moment I pressed it, I’d become a girl.
My perfect button: I’d become a girl, but with the additional guarantee that I’d always been a girl, both in my own life and in everyone else’s memories.
I immediately chose the second option. However, I also wrote that I’d happily accept the first one, because even if it wasn’t perfect, it would still make me completely happy, as it was so close to perfection that it wouldn’t really matter (it’s like writing 3.141 instead of Pi, the change is so minimal in math, that it’s basically the same).
What’s important here is that I came up with this thought experiment on my own in early May. I only discovered that the Button was an actual thought experiment used in discussions about transgender identities in early August.
I mention this because I want to make it clear that I wasn’t consciously copying something I’d seen online and then convincing myself I wanted to be a girl. I came up with the scenario independently, explored my feelings about it, and reached my own conclusions before discovering that other people had thought about the same thing. Also, the fact that I also chose a button and not something else, like Idk a potion, is just coincidence.
At the time, however, I still thought I wouldn’t transition. I knew what transitioning was, but I assumed it wouldn’t be worth it because it wouldn’t magically happen overnight, and I believed I could never become a girl in every biological sense.
My reasoning was basically: “NAAAAH, I’m fine. I’d just PREFER to be a girl. I don’t hate my body, so why would I transition?”
My perspective has changed since then, which is why I’m writing this post.
Once I started exploring these thoughts, I didn’t want to force myself to think about particular things or deliberately avoid others. I simply let my mind wander wherever it wanted.
I mainly focused on two things:
Imagining what my life would be like if I were a girl.
Looking back at my childhood to see whether there were any experiences that might be relevant.
The first one is probably the strangest part, but please bear with me.
I basically created an alternate version of myself in my head. I gave her a name, Alessia, or Ale for short. Just fir context, my name is Mattia, and I’m Italian, reason why the names could be unusual for some people.
Ale has exactly the same personality, character, dreams, friends, life experiences, and sexuality (bi) as me, and she even has alopecia, just like me.
The ONLY difference is that she’s a girl.
For months, I’ve been imagining her life, and I’m still doing it now. And when I say imagining her life, I don’t just mean major life events. I mean literally EVERYTHING, including the most ordinary, insignificant things.
I’ll be doing something completely normal, get an idea, and start imagining how Ale would experience that same situation.
And the amount of detail I’ve come up with is honestly ridiculous. I have an entire fictional universe in my head, complete with its own lore, characters, relationships, and countless stories. I could genuinely write a book about it. 😂
For example, I’ve imagined where she lives, who she lives with, and what her future looks like. In my imagined future, she has a girlfriend who eventually becomes her wife, Ginevra, and they have a Labrador named Velvette.
I’ve created countless stories about their everyday lives, from ordinary moments to bigger events.
I know this might sound weird, but imagining these scenarios makes me feel almost as though I’m actually experiencing Ale’s life.
There’s one particularly interesting thing I’ve noticed, though.
Whenever I have to stop imagining her life, I experience a really strong feeling of nostalgia.
And I find that incredibly confusing. How can I feel nostalgic for something I’ve never experienced? As far as I know, I’ve never actually been a girl, so why does imagining this alternative life sometimes feel like remembering something I’ve lost?
Another thing that makes me sad is the feeling that even if I transitioned, I could never become 100% identical to my ideal version of Ale.
I know that transitioning can change many things, and I know that being transgender doesn’t make someone any less of a woman. I’m talking specifically about my personal ideal: the idea that I’d always been a cisgender girl, with that entire life and history.
That part of the fantasy feels impossible to recreate, even if I eventually transition.
Basically, it’s an asymptote: I can get closer and closer to my ideal, which would be Ale, but I can never quite reach it completely.
The developers seriously need to add Kenjaku’s cursed technique to real life. 💀
While looking back at my childhood, I remembered a few things that might be relevant.
I’m not claiming that any of these things proves I’m trans. I know that interests and childhood experiences don’t determine someone’s gender. However, I think it’s worth mentioning them alongside everything else I’ve been feeling, and also the combo of this could be interesting to look upon.
I remember being in fourth grade and genuinely wondering why I couldn’t have boobs.
Not in a sexual way, obviously. I was a child. I simply wanted to have them because I wanted them to be part of my body.
And this is still something I want very strongly today.
I don’t just think boobs would look cool. I want the experience of actually having them, including the ordinary, everyday aspects of living with them, even what are usually considered inconveniences about them, I would love to be able to look down and see them. I want them to be part of my body and my everyday life, even if that also means dealing with the inconveniences that come with having boobs, such as wearing a bra, covering them up, or finding certain positions less comfortable.
I know this might sound strange, but I genuinely wish I could experience those things because they’d mean I actually had boobs.
I feel similarly about wanting a vagina instead of a penis. I understand that different anatomy comes with different practical inconveniences (like I’d lose. the advanced of peeing standing up in public bathrooms, and I’d have to sit down even there)but those wouldn’t make me want it any less. The same goes for periods.
When I was around eight or nine, my younger sister, who is five years younger than me, got some nail polish designed for children.
She wanted someone to try it on, and I remember volunteering. More importantly, I remember being genuinely happy about the opportunity.
It’s a small memory, but it’s one that came back to me while I was thinking about my childhood.
As a child, I watched a pretty balanced mix of cartoons that were stereotypically “for boys” and “for girls”.
Some examples of shows for girls I watched were My Little Pony, Totally Spies, Winx Club, and H2O.
I don’t think this means anything in itself, though. I simply watched what I enjoyed, regardless of whom the shows were marketed toward. I just don’t think boys my age were watching those cartoons too, and even if so, it would’ve been like just one, not such an ammount, my sister watched way less “girly” cartoons.
Another thing I started doing in middle school was what I later learned is called tucking.
Back then, I had no idea there was a name for it. I simply disliked seeing any noticeable bulge through my trousers.
I found it more comfortable when everything was less noticeable and less in the way, so I started doing it.
There are probably other childhood memories that I’m forgetting right now, but these are some of the ones that came to mind while writing this post.
Individually, I don’t consider any of these experiences proof that I’m trans. However, combined with my current feelings, I think they’re worth exploring.
After spending months thinking about all of this, I’ve reached a few tentative conclusions.
I want to emphasize that these are my current thoughts, not a definitive diagnosis or something I believe can never change. I haven’t discussed any of this with a professional yet, although I’d like to do so. I have my first appointment on friday, but it’s for autism, OCD and ADHD (tests for these, not sure which ones I have), but later on it’s something I’ll definitely bring up.
At the moment, I think I actually want to transition.
There are still several things I’m uncertain about, though, and I wonder whether some people might find my preferences strange or even disrespectful.
I genuinely don’t want to offend anyone, so I’d appreciate honest feedback.
First, I don’t currently want to change my legal name or legal sex, and this goes for my future too.
This isn’t because I necessarily want to keep using my current name forever. It’s mainly because changing legal documents could create a lot of complications, from university paperwork to bank accounts and other administrative matters.
I also don’t feel particularly attached to changing my legal documents themselves.
Socially, however, I’d like to use the name Alessia and have it become the name that feels most like mine. Also I wanna point out that technically Mattia, my legal name, is used for both boys and girls, which I guess would make it a little bit better. And also, I don’t hate my name, I really like it tbh, Ale is more fitting for me, but that is another reason why I don’t wanna erase Mattia.
I’d also like to use she/her pronouns when referring to myself and would ask people to use them for me.
At the same time, I wouldn’t stop responding to Mattia or to he/him pronouns.
This is partly because I don’t feel particularly bothered by how other people perceive me, and partly because I understand that adjusting to someone’s new name and pronouns can take time.
I wouldn’t want people to feel pressured or constantly worry that they’d offended me if they made a mistake. I’d want them to know that I wouldn’t be angry about an occasional slip-up.
That said, there’s an important distinction here: I’d still personally prefer Alessia and she/her. Being willing to respond to my old name and pronouns doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have a preference.
I also don’t see transitioning as erasing my past.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with people who feel that transitioning represents leaving an old identity behind. I completely understand that perspective. For me, though, I don’t want to erase Mattia. I’d rather think of it as allowing Mattia and Ale to coexist, while increasingly identifying with Ale. I don’t know whether this is a common way of looking at things, but it’s how I feel right now. Also I feel like it’s pretty obvious, I don’t care about how others perceive me, I just care about how I perceive myself, so what I would care about the most isn’t others using she/her for me, but me using those pronouns for myself, if I feel like a girl I don’t care about how other perceive me.
This is probably one of the most important points for me. My biggest dream has always been to become a voice actor, and I’m currently studying voice acting and dubbing. I don’t want to give up that dream, even if I decide to transition. Initially, I thought estrogen would change my voice, which was my biggest NO for transitioning, but I eventually learned that it doesn’t do that, I got more informed over time, don’t worry. That realization made me reconsider whether transitioning and pursuing voice acting could coexist.
As far as I understand it, in Italy, transgender women aren’t necessarily cast to dub female characters, and transgender men aren’t necessarily cast to dub male characters. I understand that casting decisions can depend on many factors, and I don’t mean to criticize the industry here.
My point is simply that I wouldn’t want transitioning to mean giving up the career I’ve always dreamed of. And tbh I don’t care about dubbing male or females, as long as that becomes my job, I can even be the wind….
I also don’t currently want to change my natural speaking voice.
Because I’m already studying voice acting, I’ve learned some techniques that allow me to produce a more feminine-sounding voice. I imagine that, with further training, I could develop that ability even more and use different vocal styles depending on the role.
However, I’ve seen discussions where people seem frustrated when transgender people choose not to change their voices.
So Would choosing not to pursue voice feminization be disrespectful toward other trans people?
I genuinely want to understand this. My voice is important to me, both personally and professionally, and I don’t want to feel that I have to choose between my gender and my dream career.
There are some surgeries I might want in the future, but I don’t currently want to pursue a large number of them.
The two I’m most interested in are bottom surgery and breast augmentation.
Regarding breast augmentation, I’d want a natural-looking result rather than the appearance and felling of artificial implants (I would like them to be natural and soft, don’t care if it takes more time). I’d need to learn more about the available options before deciding what would be right for me.
Of course, I’m still young, and my preferences might change considerably over the years. I’m not treating any of these decisions as something I need to settle immediately.
And now one of my biggest questions: do you have to hate your body to experience gender dysphoria, or is that a misconception?
I don’t hate my body.
For a long time, I believed that experiencing gender dysphoria meant hating your body or feeling completely miserable about being the gender you were assigned at birth.
Recently, I’ve started questioning that assumption because some of what I experience seems consistent with descriptions I’ve read about gender dysphoria, even though I don’t hate my body.
For context, I have alopecia, which means I have very little hair, including body hair. I’ve also spent a lot of time training, and I’m happy with my current physique.
In other words, I can genuinely like my body while still wishing certain aspects of it were different.
I don’t feel that my entire body is wrong, and I don’t spend every day hating my appearance.
Instead, I have some very strong preferences about what I’d like my body to be like.
I’d love to have boobs. I’d love to have a vagina instead of a penis. I’d like a more feminine silhouette. I’d like to wear feminine clothes, have long nails, and experience other aspects of life that I associate with being a girl.
These aren’t just things I think would be aesthetically pleasing. They’re things I genuinely want for myself.
The feeling is more like a constant, relatively mild discomfort or persistent preference: *“If I could become a girl, I’d do it immediately.”*
I don’t necessarily feel miserable about being a boy, but the idea of being a girl feels significantly more appealing to me.
And I wonder whether that distinction matters.
I believe that this “hatred towards your own body” is actually true for some individuals, but is it the same for everyone?
There’s another aspect of my experience that I find difficult to explain. I’m not really happy to be seen as a boy, for many reasons, first of all because usually I get dragged along the lines of “all of you boys…” like I swear I’m different from every boy u’ve ever seen.
Sometimes this manifests in relatively small ways.
For example, Italian is a gendered language, so adjectives and many other words change depending on whether you’re referring to a man or a woman.
Whenever I have to use masculine words to describe myself, I sometimes feel uncomfortable. Similarly, if I’m talking about something and have to say, “As a boy…” or “I’m a boy, so…”, I really wish I could use the corresponding feminine expressions instead. It’s like I always imagine an “unfortunately” whenever I have to say that kind of stuff.
It’s not necessarily that I hate every masculine word or that I can’t tolerate being referred to as male. It’s more that the feminine alternatives feel preferable to me.
This can also happen in completely ordinary social situations.
For example, imagine that all the men in my family are sitting on the couch watching football (biggest stereotype ever)
I don’t want to join them just because I’m a boy, I simply don’t want to feel like one.
That doesn’t mean I have to do something stereotypically feminine instead. Although I often do prefer activities traditionally associated with girls, the important part is the feeling itself.
Interestingly, the feeling can become much more positive when I participate in something traditionally associated with women.
For example, in my family, it’s unfortunately quite common for the women to cook and set the table while the men sit around watching football. I know that’s an enormous stereotype, but it genuinely happens around me in Southern Italy.
When I’m the only boy helping the women while the men do something else, I don’t feel like a boy in the same way.
I know I’m not a girl, at least not in the way I currently understand my situation, but being included in that group gives me a sense of inner peace and happiness that’s difficult to explain.
I’ve heard people describe something called gender euphoria, but I honestly don’t know whether what I’m experiencing fits that description.
I’m not claiming that enjoying feminine activities or disliking masculine ones makes someone trans. I know gender stereotypes aren’t the same thing as gender identity.
I’m talking about how these situations make me feel about myself, rather than about the activities themselves.
There’s one final thing I’d like to clarify.
I’m not trying to diagnose myself, and I’m not expecting strangers on Reddit to tell me definitively whether I’m trans.
I would like to speak to a therapist who can help me explore these feelings properly.
For now, I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have experience with gender questioning or who have gone through a similar process.
Here are the main things I’d like to ask:
Can you experience gender dysphoria without hating your body? As I said, I like my body in many ways, but I strongly wish certain aspects of it were different.
Could wanting to be a girl, rather than feeling that you absolutely cannot live as a boy, be a valid reason to explore this?
Has anyone else experienced something similar to my imagined life as Ale? And also, has anyone felt a strong sense of nostalgia for a life they never actually lived?
Is it unusual to want to transition socially while keeping your legal name and sex unchanged, at least for the foreseeable future, and mainly for logistical reasons?
Would it be disrespectful to transition while remaining comfortable with my old name and pronouns, or to choose not to pursue voice feminization?
Is the sense of happiness and inner peace I experience when I feel less like a boy potentially an example of gender euphoria?
I want to emphasize that I’m not trying to compare my experiences with anyone else’s or suggest that my situation is more or less valid than theirs.
I know that people experience being trans in many different ways, and I’m still trying to understand my own experience.
I just want to explore these feelings without dismissing them, jumping to conclusions, or making assumptions about myself that might not be accurate.