My 13y/o son recently came out, and I am curious how to refer to them in the past. I don’t want to deadname them, but that was their identity at the time. I asked them and they don’t have an opinion right now. I want to honor and respect them now and account for how they may feel in the future, but it’s also peculiar projecting their current identity backwards.

Good morning,

My name is Celina, and I'm a graduate student journalist based in NYC. I'm currently working on a story about ongoing cuts to gender-affirming care for minors (most recently, we saw this happen at NYU Langone).

I'm hoping to speak with a few parents of trans kids about their journeys to finding care, current feelings on the state of gender-affirming care in the U.S., and what is needed from our policymakers and communities at this time.

Please know that the safety of your family and your children is my utmost priority, so if you're willing to be interviewed for this piece, I am more than happy to have a conversation about what I can do to help you feel most secure – for example, by keeping all names anonymous, changing identifying details, etc. The mods have vetted me and approved this post, but I'm happy to share more information about my work with interested parties (as well as my contact information) via DM. I myself am queer and have covered LGBTQ+ issues, politics and culture around the country.

I should note that while New York-based voices are helpful, I am super open to hearing stories from across the U.S., and even international experiences as well.

Please send me a message if you'd be interested in speaking! My first draft deadline is this coming Sunday night, 10/18, so it'd be great to connect before then (open to hearing from folks who are available after that as well though).

Thanks all!

I am the parent of a teen who is planning to start medical transition MtF in over a year or so when they are eighteen.

There are many reasons why I am struggling with this myself, which I won't go all into here.

However another huge source of worry for me is our extended family. We are a very very close knit family with grandparents always having been very involved and hands on. We are immigrants from Russia which probably tells you something, yes the grandparents have become more open minded over time and they don't have an issue with other lgbt folks, they would likely be okay with their grandkids coming out as gay or bi; however this is a whole other level, and I know without a doubt it will absolutely devastate them. Not because they are bigoted or hate trans people but because they have been brought up in a very conformist culture, and making yourself stand out in such a way is seen as basically a tragedy. Not to mention they are staunchily against unnecessary medical intervention, my mom is the sort that won't even take an advil unless she's dying, she didn't do HRT because of the risks, she doesn't trust modern medicine saying something is safe because so often they go back on findings later. So the idea of taking massive amounts of hormones to physically alter your body and keep doing it for life will be, inconceivably horrifying to her. And ngl it's pretty horrifying to me as well, I am just working on accepting that there is nothing i can do about it. But to our parents, they already believed we were wrong to allow our kid to spend a lot of time online (they are also ND and into coding/ gaming as special interest so we did allow more than we were comfortable with to try to help with regulation), that we didn't get them into sports etc enough, all sorts of ways we could have been better parents - and now I am certain these will all be reasons for them to say it's our fault our child fell into this mindset. No amount of science about being trans will change anything. I know they will be distraught and devastated, and our child will be seen as the victim of our bad parenting. We have always been very close but I feel that after this, there would be forever a shadow of resentment from them towards us 'ruining' their grandchild. Maybe I am wrong and they will come around but I sincerely doubt it at least not for years. It's destroying me to think about. My own grandmother is still in Russia and as much as I love her and wish her a long life, nI have actually caught myself thinking I would prefer she didn't live to hear this, because it will metaphorically kill her. Most of our friend group is also from the same culture and I won't even go into the judgement and gossip that will bring. I'm fine with distancing myself from friends. But extended family has always been such a major part of our life and it's killing me to think about the pain it will cause all around.

Anyone with similar cultural background gone through it and came out the other side? I will say right away i don't want to hear opinions like "stand by your child and cut out/ go no contact with everyone else, if they don't support them they're bigots etc etc". This is not and never have been our family dynamics and I am not okay with it being such now. Yes I will stand by my child but I also don't want to hurt my family of origin in the process or destroy our relationship.

I'm an adult post-transition man, not myself a parent, and not affiliated with this event. Just sharing the resource and have attended it myself in the past.

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TransPride YOUniting Health & Wellness Virtual Conference: Oct 15-17

• Opens Thu, Oct 15 at 7:30/8 am EST
• Ends Sat, Oct 17 at 5:30 pm EST

• Fully virtual; open to all but USA-based

• Free registration for trans individuals and the parents and caregivers of trans individuals

• Can use pseudonym to register and attend anonymously if you so choose

• All keynote and speaker sessions streamed live

• Only select sessions will be recorded to be available for a limited time for later viewing

➡️ ➡️ Register here ⬅️ ⬅️

👀See the schedule 👀

Hi everyone, so I am 18yo and I have been out to my mum as trans for 4 years and I have known about myself for 5 years. I accidentally wore my pride pins home one day that say “he/him” and “hi my name is _”. I am keeping my name private so this post can’t be traced back to me. Anyways I am quite vocal about feminism in my everyday life I believe all people should be equal I believe that I don’t like the patriarchy and I am quite the advocate. I repost a lot of stuff on my Instagram and facebook accounts and my mum always has something to say when it’s about my advocacy. I am really comfortable in who I am and my gender and everything about myself so when I want to, yes I may act or dress or enjoy things that girls may also enjoy. But being a boy doesn’t mean I stop being myself? Anyways it’s been an ongoing issue where every time I repost something or talk about problems in America my mum always says that I am too focused on America and I need to be concerned about my own backyard but America influences the whole world including my family, my friends, the politics in my country. I recently reposted something about the Cornell 57 and I was responded to with “American issue”. Then later I reposted something about how men see the world and she responded with “so then why do you want to be a boy?” And I honestly don’t know what to say because I have told her it’s not a want. She asks me this often like when I wanted to wear a dress to my school dance which was a big mistake I was so uncomfortable lol I was like “hmm if I pretend to be a girl maybe being trans will go away” any trans people reading this do not do that it doesn’t work. She also asks me every time I talk about feminism and my rights and I am just exhausted explaining and re-explaining and she says everyone feels this way but when I asked her friends they said that they never told her about how they feel about my transness and they’re not confused and they did research about it. Yeah idk I’m just rambling now lol

TLDR: My mum keeps asking me why do I want to be a boy every time I mention feminism or anything like that. She also doesn’t like when I mention American problems.

Hello all! I’m a non-binary person who struggles with relatives who misgender me often. I came out over a year and a half ago and recently got top surgery. The trouble is my whole family is religious and conservative and almost all of them misgender me. I am out of the house and financially independent but I still keep in contact. Every time me or my spouse corrects them they apologize say they will do better (mostly because they likely think I’ll cut them off if they don’t) and then they continue calling me my deadname and old pronouns. I struggle to correct people mostly because I don’t see the point if they won’t change. But then I feel bad not correcting people because I feel like I betrayed myself. I’m going to see them at Christmas and want to set boundaries a head of time but don’t know how mostly because I don’t think it’ll change anything. Today I was on the phone with my mom and she read a text she sent to her boyfriend about me to someone else. I’m the text she deadnamed me multiple times and used the wrong pronouns a lot. Usually when she does this she apologizes but this time she didn’t. I am wondering if she has even told her boyfriend I’m trans which could be a whole mess since he will be there for Christmas. I’d love advice and support since I feel kind of lost on this one. Thanks in advance!

hi! I hesitated to write here but I need to get this of my chest. my child is 24, AMAB. here is the stoty.

they never wanted to be a woman through their upbringing. they considered themselves genderfluid since they were about 19. that was #MeToo peak and we talked a lot about men and how they could be dangerous. then they talked to me about how I couldn’t provide them proper father figure with my two husbands and how they struggle with their masculinity because of that.

than they actually decided they are trans.

and now they are in USA getting their PhD. apparently they got HRT from their university clinic without proper medical exam (I mean, me and their biological father are bipolar. and they were diagnosed with AHDH and depression to begin with). I knew about these plans. i just didn’t know it would happen so soon.

Im not transphobic at all. please hear me out. I’m very afraid my child is making a grave mistake. I’m absolutely sure this is a very cerebral decision. they always wanted to be the part of LGBTQ+ community and unfortunately they are not gay, just bi-curious. in our country being LGBTQ = being straitforward opposition. and of course they want to be in the opposition.

I’m in the opposition too, our political views are the same. but I’m very afraid for my child. I’m very afraid for their physical and mental health. I’m very afraid for their fertility. I’m very afraid considering how they could come home in our very transphobic country. 

I gave birth very young, I was only 19. I grew up with this child and I can’t stand an idea they would suffer with their choices.

I have an appointment with gender therapist today, though I still can’t sleep because of anxiety. please be gentle in the comments, I’m very fragile rn.

Hi all!

I've got two trans kids, both (fairly recently) out of high school. They both struggle with anxiety, ADHD and depression. I'm getting more and more worried about them both. They've been self-isolating since graduation, which has led to loneliness, bad feelings and compounding self-isolation.

I want to help each find a community. I feel like a community will help them not only with loneliness, but also the nitty-gritty stuff about being their true selves (picking cool clothes, voice training, doing makeup, etc). I have no idea where to start, though.

I'd also REALLY like to get each a trustworthy mentor of some kind. That feels even more terrifying, though. I'd hate to make things worse by pairing them up with someone who only wants to take advantage of them.

Does anyone have pointers for me? We're in the Portland, OR metro area, if that helps.

Thanks and love to all.

Hi, 18-year-old, very possibly and looking more like I am MTF.

I am hoping someone here has advice for getting my parents to accept me and give me hope for the future.

I expressed my feelings and thoughts about being trans a little more than a year ago, and as time has gone on, things have not improved. My parents 1000% love me and want me to be happy, but they're having a very difficult time with this, and I don't know if they're choosing not to face this and burying their heads in the sand or can't accept this and it's eating them up inside.

We don't talk about it much, maybe 4-5 times since I first told them, and it always ends with either my mom or me, or both of us, in tears. She can't seem to wrap her head around the idea that I could be trans, and to her credit, it is a bit difficult for me to articulate how I'm feeling, and I myself still question if I'm trans (I have many a post about it if you wish to read more; I honestly encourage it so you can hopefully get a full scope; these posts should hopefully be the most useful: Post 1, Post 2)

My mom is also very distraught, and from what I've read on here, it seems to fit the description of her grieving, which makes me feel really, really bad. She even told me once that it feels like I'm killing her son. I feel awful about this, and it makes me feel like she'll never accept this, and I can never transition because it'll hurt her too much. Both my parents have told me I'll always be their son and that they will never not use my birth name or change my pronouns. My mom has also expressed fears about my safety. Many other things have been said, and I will elaborate if asked, but I don't want this post to be terribly long, especially if you choose to read the linked posts, which are quite long too.

So here I am. Part of me, as mentioned before, doesn't know if I am truly trans. However, another part of me wants to start hormones and start physically changing; part of me considers bottom surgery and the possibility of having it one day if I so choose; part of me fantasizes about having a lesbian relationship and getting to share that happiness with my parents; part of me imagines my wedding and can't stand to think my special day will be ruined because I have to be the groom and not a bride.

So I am asking, can it get better? How can I help it get better? I really don't want to talk to them about it because it's too difficult. Did anyone else experience this, and if so, what did you do?

If your child uses Medicaid or CHIP for gender-affirming care, you may be trying to figure out what the October 13 changes mean for their next appointment or prescription.

We put together a guide for you. We wanted to bring the information together because funding changes, state laws, and individual hospitals’ decisions can get mixed together in the headlines.

The guide explains what’s changing, where states have announced plans to continue funding care, and what remains uncertain. It also covers hospital restrictions, which can affect families with private insurance.

There’s a list of questions you can take to your child’s clinic or insurance plan, including:

• Will their next prescription or appointment be covered?
• Is there state funding available for their treatment?
• Will their current provider continue offering care?
• If the clinic is ending services, can it help arrange a transfer?

Here’s the guide: https://queertransproject.org/medicaid-guide/

We’ve linked sources throughout and marked where we couldn’t confirm a state funding plan. We hope it makes figuring out the next steps a little easier.

If you’ve found an official state or hospital update we missed, please share it. And if there’s a question you’re still struggling to get answered, that would help us understand what needs a clearer explanation.

Sending love to you and your kids as you navigate all of this. You deserve clear answers, support, and a community in your corner. 💜

Our daughter (now 16) came out to us in April, we are fully supportive and it’s been wonderful to see a lightness coming back into their eyes. They are out to their friends and to our immediate family. After a few months and with their permission they are out to a couple of our family friends as well. Everyone has been extremely positive and affirming. The time has come to tell grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins. Which isn’t a large group.

So far we, the parents, have been the ones to tell the family friends and I planned to be the one to tell their grandmother (my mom) one on one.

Just curious if that’s pretty typical. Or should we be making our daughter come out to people face to face. I do think they will be supportive but likely surprised and confused and probably emotional. Heck it still makes me emotional even though I am fully supportive and want to see my kid thrive and love their best life. I feel so thankful she has been able to come out to us, I want to make the process easy for her. And she seems happy to have us tell those she has approved. After extended family has been told we will probably just use new pronouns without explicitly explaining unless people ask.

But is that the right thing to do?

I have two trans middle schoolers. The younger one came out in preschool and has been insistent ever since. They are getting close to puberty and want to start blockers soon. They have been in GAC for years, so we hadn't really stressed about it much, just a medication they would get once it is needed.

However, policies changed and the clinic is now requiring both parents attend in person to sign off that we are allowing the treatment.

Now onto my issue-

My husband had a mental breakdown a few years ago. He became unable to parent, and has moved out to his own place for the kids' stability. Dad is able to work some, but I am mainly supporting him. We are not planning on divorce and will move back in with each other once the kids are grown.

Dad is ambivalent about gender care at this point and trusts me to make all the decisions for what our kids need. He absolutely refuses to go into the Dr's office though. It's a major fear for him, and I don't think he'll be able to get past it anytime soon.

Has anyone dealt with this, or know of resources to go to for help?

The Dr suggested we go through court and get an emergency parenting plan in place to take all custody from Dad then we can bypass the policy. That feels a little extreme, and I worry it will make Dad spiral. There's a difference in knowing you can't care for your kids, and a court saying you are not allowed to care for your kids. When he spirals he can't be around the kids much, even supervised, so it would mean the kids wouldn't get to see their dad for awhile. Last time he spiralled it was close to 2 years before he got back to being able to spend time around them. And that worries me to put the kids through it again.

If anyone has advice to navigate this it would really appreciate it.

I will be tuning in.

My (amab) daughter recently began to socially transition (i.e., wearing majority of clothes from girls section, growing out her hair). She initially only wanted to let close family know. Recently, she has expressed that she wants her school to know that she is a girl. What is the best way to inform the school? Email asking for a meeting with admin and her teacher, a phone call with admin and teacher, etc.

Also, are there any things I should be asking the school? I suspect they will be supportive. My child is in lower elementary school, and attends a small private school.

Of alllllll the times my child has been bullied because their trans, I've never once heard from a parent. Have you?

Did your chest get physically evaluated before you started HRT? Im wondering if this is a requirement or not, I'm hoping it isnt because I really feel dysphoric about it

I'm the parent of an adult trans woman (late 20s)and just found out that she was the target of 100s of vicious hateful comments on twitter in a video for her company, where she launched a product and gave video explanation of how to use it. The company turned the comments off but hasn't taken the video down. The video went viral at over 14 million views, far more than any other video on their feed. She only recently came out, and this is one of my biggest fears for her. I reached out to her and she said she's been getting a lot of support around it, but doesn't seem to need it from me or her dad. I'm scared for her and the world she has to navigate. I'm not sure what to do or if there is anything more TO do. Thank you for any advice.

The Trump administration has formally removed the 2024 Biden-era federal rules that specifically protected students from discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity.

A court had already struck down those rules. The latest action removes them from the published federal regulations.

Some states also have their own laws protecting LGBTQ+ students. Questions about bathrooms, sports, names, and privacy need to be checked separately.

Which states have their own protections?
According to the Movement Advancement Project, these states have laws against gender-identity discrimination in schools:

California, Colorado, Connecticut, Hawaii, Illinois, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Oregon, Vermont, Virginia, and Washington, plus Washington, D.C.

Other states have protections through regulations or interpretations of existing laws. A state appearing on this list does not guarantee the same protections for every school issue.

We will add a full breakdown of each state’s current protections and what you can do to prepare ahead of when this rule goes into effect in the comments once this post is approved.

My child is 12 and in 6th grade. Overall the school has been pretty good with her, but her biggest issue has been subs. A few refuse to use her chosen name, saying that they're just going to go by the paper. She's asked if they could just go ahead and check her in as present instead of calling out her deadname and so far that has been a no. It's pretty distressing to her and I believe a safety issue. The school counselor told her to just deal with it and not take it personal, but I don't see how refusing to use someone's name isn't personal. I know no one can make anyone use her chosen name, so I'm not sure what to do. It really frustrates me because my parents always called me by my middle name and I always just corrected teachers and subs and it was never an issue for anyone, but now all these years later it is?

Update so far: I told her to continue what she's been doing when she has a sub, which is to let them know about the legal name and the chosen name. If they refuse to use the chosen name, ask them to check her as present as she obviously is, and if they still say no to let them know, politely, but firmly, that her name is ______ and that is the only name she will be answering to. And if that causes an issue we will have her back. And I emailed the IEP teacher about putting protections into the IEP. I feel this could be justified since she is autistic, as noted in her IEP, and there is a very strong link between being trans and autistic. The teacher has a trans kid, so I'm hoping she will be on board to help us.

I’m sure you’ve seen the ads for those things that say “to my daughter” and has something loving or “to my son,”etc. Does anybody sell things that say to my child without specifying the gender?

Kiddo (9) has been out for over half her life now, but other than an appointment to get it on the record when she was six, we haven't seen a gender clinic. Also, we've moved internationally since then, so this will be her first appointment with a clinic in Switzerland. She's not showing any signs of puberty yet so I'd be shocked if there's medical intervention. What should we expect? What should we ask? What does she need to be aware of? Is this likely to involve a genital check (Kiddo handles those a lot better with forewarning)? What kinds of warning signs should I look out for?