I don't even know if this is supposed to be posted here so I'm just trying my luck, I need some opinions, its also my first time posting on Reddit for such a reason.

I'm a 24 years old male. I have a big problem with my family. And I don't know what to do. I even talked to Gemini for some logical reasons for what's happening in this degenerate family.

So I just came back from Spain after 4 months of work, but it was a practice contract, so I didn't get a full salary. I was alone and I was struggling with money, I had to pay a lot of money on flights, and also the bank took my full "salary" for a month and left me with nothing. I couldn't wait til I get home, also I knew what was happening here. Now I have a little bit of money for driver's license but its gonna cost me a lot. I also have to find a new job here. But here's what it might ruin my plans through a mental crisis.

We rented an apartment ( me, mom, my 2 brothers and the boyfriend of one of them, we all live together ).

My 33yo brother doesn't work for over a year since he got back home, he worked in Germany for over 7-8 years but all his money ( it was over 3000€ a month, since here in Romania we have 500€ the minimum wage. ) so he made like really nice money. Absolutely every cent was lost to gambling. Nothing is left. And now he just stays home, on his phone, drinking, gambling and wasting space. He does absolutely nothing in this house, not even cleaning a plate.

My mom tried to talk to him so he needs to get a job, but he just invents excuses not to go to work. And mom just does nothing. When he gets upset or mad that he doesn't get anything to drink or something ( he's not an aggressive person when he drinks tho ), my mom gives him money again and again and again until she doesn't have anything or just for basics.

Now the other brother, he goes to work but again he only drinks and gambles in sports, like bets, I don't even know how I should put this in English. But you get it.

My mom just works and absolutely every salary that she gets goes to covering the bills. She is left with NOTHING.

They all smoke tho.

I started also 2 years ago, Im trying to quit. Now a little bit about myself. I'm the only one who knows English, the only one who ever got into a college, quit after 2 years. The only one who let's say is capable of doing something with his life, I think I do have that intelligence that they lack.

I never gambled, I never drank.

One year ago, I had depression, but when I was in Spain I quit taking my pills also. It didnt feel that much of a pressure when I didnt take them so I suppose they helped one way or the other. My mom keeps taking her depression pills so she's also in a bad mental health. So is my brother that works.

Now, I couldn't wait til i get home from there, this happened 2 days ago. I was imagining that I'll get home, happy with motivation, that I get to go to the gym, I will get my driver's license, that I would continue to speak Spanish, that I'd get a German teacher because I would like to move in Austria or Germany next year.

But I don't know how I can do that with all the mess that's inside of this house and family.

I need some opinions how to manage this by myself. I'm tired of thinking if myself over and over again every day.

So if you may have some advice for me, please write in comments, doesn't matter what it is.

Thank you! God Bless you!

This was not as easy as it sounds, mainly due to the mental exertion I had to place towards this. For a long time, I could not get myself to do anything art-related, despite it being my "hobby" and wanting to do it. Because of this, I see myself just getting started on this as an achievement in its own right. I don't want to move too fast with the progress though; 45 minutes later after starting and working on it on my computer, and my head already hurts. I still have to learn and see lessons and experiences for myself as I journey to a better state of mind.

While many believe that time should be taken off of social media (and they're not wrong), I don't see the social media aspect as what I'm celebrating on, but the fact that I'm doing what I see as a little graphic design. Considering that this is the main job position that I want to start off on in my career, it's nice to know that I'm making strides to put my mind onto a familiar, yet unfamiliar experience. In fact, just expressing my victory over merely starting my banner art has proven to be something I'm still not used to yet, because my head is still tingly and trying to push away from all the new experience, when it can't!

Sorry if some of the things I've said sound like they're on repeat; I'm just glad that I was able to get through what I view as a small, but difficult and important step! I hope, and contnue to hope, that I can continue with this growth of mine, no matter how slow it has to take!

I (15Y) am an asian boy who struggle with depressive thoughts and suicidal thoughts. This has been happening since I was 8 years old (I gained consciousness when I was 7). It got worse around age 11-12 years old.

I want to die and unexist, because my life is worthless and I really have no future. My grades are straight C or Ds. Everyone has high expectations of me, but I don't get why. They're already pressuring me for IGCSE. But I don't have any suicidal attempts except overdosing on pills because I am too much of a coward. I feel like I should get a death sentence because I don't matter.

When I was 7, I got sexually assaulted by my classmate in the school bathroom. She also helped me encourage two other girls to join in, and I still get fantasies of that moment. I didn't realise it was SA until I was like 12-13. I have fantasies about being raped, and I don't know if it's a distant memory and my brain is blocking me out because of PTSD, but I also get flashbacks of my dad's friend raping me in a bathroom. I'm still confused whether it was a dream I haven't forgotten or something that actually happened, but it was very vivid. I was sexualised and objectified in primary school by boys in my grade.

I love self harm, but it's not only when I feel like punishing myself or my day was bad. I self harm because I like to see my scars, and it gives me a sense of enjoyment. Otherwise, I don't really have a reason why I do that. I have a lot of scars on my wrists, thighs, shoulders. I use a blade or a lighter. I'm also hypersexual, but I don't know if it's because of hormones or something else. I masturbate everyday, and what concerns me is that I get turned on by really deep scars like deeprock or taffy laffy. Especially on the thighs areas.

I find it arousing when media decipts cutting your partner's wrists during sexual intercourse, or anything related to self harm. I have masochistic tendencies, and sadistic. Mostly masochistic though. And I like it even better when it's non-consensual, whether sexual or not.

I'm also a Lolishocon (if you don't know, it's fictional media about attraction for young boys and girls). I know it's mental, but I have been suppressing these urges. I don't get these feelings for real life children (unless they're AI and purely fictional). I tried not to act on them, but I enjoy hentai doujinshis about them being raped. I think that makes me a pedophile, but I'm not a predator. I really am not. I will not repeat the same thing that girl in 1st grade or my dad's friend did to me, I swear on my life - because, doing so will literally produce human scum like me.

I also think that I have some Bipolar symptoms, but I don't want to self diagnose. I've already researched a lot regarding the disorder and I relate to pretty much all of them. It's an endless cycle, and when I get out of my manic/depression phase, I start to get into a state of apathy that prolongs for a very very long time that it's worrying. My grades are falling, I barely brush my teeth, I bedrot everyday and I don't even pay attention in class. All I do is get on my laptop and do random shit, or maybe I go on generative AI to roleplay smut like J.ai.

To add on, I get really pissed at my classmates and everyone around me. I even say harsh things without thinking beforehand and regret it after. I pretty much hate everyone for no reason. I literally have thoughts of brutally murdering them in various different ways, and it's concerning.

I ruined most of my relationships because of my depression phase, where I don't reply to anyone at all and ghost them. And I push them away because once they do something wrong, I curse them out and hate them. Like, really really deep hatred. It's a problem, but I'm trying to control it. Now I have only 5 friends IRL, including my bf (yes, I keep track). I have lots of friends online. It's easier to control my reactions virtually, so I prefer texting in discord servers.

For some reason, I have little to no empathy. I've bullied people before in 4th grade and 8th grade, but I'm glad to see that they're doing fine now. I hate the damage I've done to other people. I also fake my personality and my interests, I don't even know what I like or want to be anymore.

I was exposed to the Internet and Discord at a young age. I watched porn when I was 6-7 in my dad's gallery in his tablet. I still remember the exact details of my first video. It was a girl crying, and she was begging the perpetrator to stop having sex with her. She was on the bed alone, naked. I've never actually had intercourse before, but I have only made out with my current boyfriend and stripped for him. I am a homosexual male btw, but I've had a gf before. I begged my bf to hit me until I bleed, he said no cause he doesn't want to hurt me.

P.s: I sent my boyfriend a picture of a cat who slept beside me for 30 minutes at a restaurant, then he said it's because cats follow around those with good aura. I cried after that. I'm not someone with a good aura or anything good at all. I hate myself so much..

What's wrong with me? I really want to get better and I feel disgusting about myself.. is it hormones??

I don't know if this is coming out of a narcissist or an attention seeking side of me.

But these past couple of months after I finished uni has been rock bottom of my life, I don't feel like looking for a job already and I wanted a year to explore my passions... I'm looking to either pursue research or get a normal job at a company and climb the corporate ladder ...this year I wanted to have fun and try to make YouTube content, learn how to trade ...ect while still thinking about my career

In the process I've gotten into a deeply anxious and depressed state about the future but this not is the issue of this post... My issue is the people around me never show up or give any type of attention or support when I'm at this state especially my parents. My mom started getting irritated at me over anything and eventually called me a loser and said I'm never going to achieve anything in life at this state and it broke my heart, my dad doesn't even care at all. My uni friends completely stopped texting me which made me realize we weren't even friends in the first place, just a bunch of classmates. I hit rock bottom yesterday and I cried for the first time in months.

I thought about it and realized all the love I ever got since childhood was conditional, starting from my mom who only treats me like a basic human being when I behave like she wants me to behave, to my friends that I only had a bunch of them in uni when I was doing good in my classes.

That's all

Hello, my name is Nova. I’m wondering if I might have some kind of mental health condition, or if this is just a normal part of adolescence. Whenever I’m out—whether at school or in public—I feel like everyone is mocking me; even the small, casual gestures of strangers feel like they’re directed at me. It’s reached a point where I feel like the entire school, and even the whole village, hates me. On top of that, I occasionally hear voices that aren't actually there. I also have the persistent feeling that people around me can read my mind or are spying on me—and whenever I focus on something, the mocking and derision seem to start. This leaves me feeling agitated, prone to muttering to myself, and filled with anger. For instance, if I lose a game, I get furious; it’s as if my opponent senses my hostility, and I feel a strange, intrusive connection—like they’re watching me. Furthermore, when I’m looking at my phone, watching TV, or viewing movies and anime, I feel as though the fictional characters can see me and are looking at me with contempt. Whenever I talk to others, I’m constantly terrified that some "bad" thought might pop into my head, and I spend the entire conversation struggling to suppress it. This has been going on since my second year of junior high, and it’s still happening now that I’m in my final year of high school. Is this just a matter of how my brain functions during adolescence, or should I seek help from a mental health professional?h, and it’s continued all the way through my final year of high school. Could this just be a matter of how my brain functions during adolescence?

Is there a way that I could receive completely anonymous therapy? Maybe online or something? I can’t get anything on my record because of my job. Just talk therapy, I’d ask friends but I want real solutions from an actual professional. I feel like an idiot, a true failure and I’m so so so awkward. I’d be willing to pay as long as it’s not too expensive, I’m not rich by any means.

I am a 25-year-old pre-medical graduate who has unfortunately been out of work on medical leave for the past 5 months after a sustained 7-week period where I had severe insomnia with OCD and anxiety rumination over trauma but tried to power through work for the most part.
I ended up in the ER twice in April with what my PCP described as “catecholamine storms,” where my heart rate and blood pressure were extremely high and I demonstrated other symptoms indicative of severe over-activation of my sympathetic nervous system (including an inability to defecate despite the urge, urinating clear water throughout the whole crisis, and loss of sensation across my entire body).
Since the ER, I have been having extreme symptoms of autonomic nervous system blunting. Most of the symptoms from the crisis phase have resolved, but my main symptoms now are that my blood pressure and heart rate, although normal, do not appear to be adjusting properly to my physical or emotional activity, like they once did.
I have been having intense, constant brain fog that makes it almost impossible to focus on any tasks, I have felt extremely low in energy and emotionally flat without improvement, and I have almost constant head and chest pain and nausea. None of these issues respond to typical interventions that I used to utilize before this crisis to manage depression and anxiety.
I was placed on Ativan to manage my anxiety and Zyprexa for OCD for a short time and have since discontinued those medications. I am currently taking 40 mg of Prozac. My psychiatrist wants me to increase the dosage to treat my OCD, but I am concerned about the side effects, especially emotional blunting because I have basically lost all emotions since this occurred, and want to discontinue this as well once I am more stable.
My mind has been racing since the insomnia began and now that I have discontinued the Zyprexa, but I did not have hallucinations, delusional thinking (my intrusive thoughts and anxiety center around real-life concerns/fears), or signs of mania.
In short, it is very difficult to function on a daily basis.
I have consulted multiple neurologists, but have not received any advice except for managing my OCD and anxiety and a diagnosis of “somatic symptom disorder.” Most neurologists don’t know how to deal with post-stress nervous system conditions, and psychiatry has been inadequate.
Additionally, despite working on my OCD, anxiety, and depression from a psychiatric standpoint for the past several months, I have not really had any improvement in my bodily, cognitive, or energy symptoms.
Sometimes, I jolt awake while falling asleep and have even noticed that my head sometimes starts shaking when in a light sleep.
I contracted COVID for the first time around 3 months before all of this occurred and had not felt right ever since.
I had a normal head CT scan, neurological exam, and cognitive evaluation despite a substantial subjective decline in functioning relative to my old baseline.
I had extremely nuanced emotions, social intelligence, and high intellect before all of this, and my quality of life has become very poor in such a short amount of time (I am literally unable to connect with others emotionally and have not even been able to smile or genuinely laugh for months behind the pain and head pressure). Nothing at all is able to distract me from how I am feeling physically. The personality, motivational, and energy changes that I have experienced in such a short time could really not be more stark.
My relationships now feel very shallow compared to the past, and I fear that I will never be able to feel love or romantic or sexual attraction again.
My internal clock is completely messed up, and I cannot even feel the normal cues that alert you to time of day or year, my energy level’s just a constant low flatline, no matter how much I sleep. Everyday feels like the same day on repeat.
Close to the 6-month mark after all of this occurred, I am starting to become very discouraged and am desperate to return to some semblance of normalcy after these very difficult months.
I talked to a doctor who thinks that my symptoms sound like autonomic and/or mitochondrial dysfunction.
At this point, I can’t imagine ever feeling the same again. I don’t even know what’s wrong anymore, I just feel like a walking zombie. My eyes look dead and soulless, I don’t even recognize myself when I look in the mirror.
I am wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar and might have any suggestions.

sorry I know I've been here a bit lately.

So I have a psychology apppt today,. She knows about thew few things I've done. Last couple monthsm got onto therapwurtic level of medication yay! no more psychosis. Within the last ?month? I've overdosed (she sent me to emergency), self harmed requiring surgery (she broke confidentiality) and since another coupole of things. My concern is that if I'm honest about things in the last coule of weeks that she'll break confidentiality again.

I;ve skipped my meds three times without telling support person (taken them from him and slipped into pocket) and each time mood gone sky-high and I'e got barely any sleep but felt extremely rested. Also took some of a potent poison couple days ago.

Some friends/family members, Tho Not All, have claimed I'm some favour of manice. I think theyr exaggerating and wayy overreacting. Psychiatrist couplw weeks ago was fine w me said I was doing great and lookin happy.

If I tell psychologist abot the two para up stuff I'm concerned she'll talk to support person again. Don't want that.

Known that reasoning is combo of at times Entity suggesting/reminding/giving dosages etc. around 'risky' stuff, and the know that I'm functionally invincible.

So how do I make sure professionals know what they should know to make their assessments, but without them freaking out?

Friens yesterday also asked when I was going inpatient and it confused and annoyed me. I don't need to go inpatient I'm literaly fine and doing s well. I have energy and I'm etting stif done.

thanks for readin in advance

The title sounds abrasive, but I’m at the end of my rope and don’t know what to do. My son, who is 19 and graduated high school a little less than 5 months ago, is completely directionless and captive to his mental health.

He started having difficulties with peers as early as elementary school, but did his work, behaved well, and was considered “a joy” by his teachers. However, in 5th grade, right around when he started to hit puberty (11 or so), this changed drastically.

He was constantly referred to the office, leading to 2 suspensions in the same year, plus countless conversations with teachers, counselors, principals, etc. Rather than decreasing, these problems continued to escalate into junior high, when he attempted suicide via Tylenol overdose in 6th grade (followed up with months of social work visits), then received several more suspensions, including a 10-day for a “joke” to a friend about shooting up the school.

I thought this served as a wake up call, as he was without incident and found some positive influences his freshman year (choir, social studies), until it came crashing down again. The following year, he was hospitalized for a second suicide attempt by hanging with a belt. This time, he was pink slipped and placed in a facility for a week, where he was formally diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, Insomnia, and Social Anxiety Disorder.

He was prescribed Prozac, Ritalin, and Hydroxyzine (he discontinued all after less than a week), and we decided to transfer him schools for a fresh start and new peer group after he complained of bullying. In retrospect, this was probably a poor decision, as it disrupted his education and likely sent him further into isolation. Regardless, he kept his head down and was scot-free the whole year, even becoming adored by some of his teachers for his intellect and passion for history/politics (I now know he was radicalized around this time into being a white supremacist/fascist).

For whatever reason, he remained fixated on returning to his previous school. Reluctantly, we agreed, and he was slated to go back junior year. However, he posted a threat on social media, stating that he was targeting female students and staff. Predictably, he was expelled before the first day and spent the year online. Once again, he broke down and said he wanted to finish high school in-person. After a re-integration meeting and lots of planning, he was enrolled for his senior year in the same district.

He failed multiple classes and had some minor brush-ins, as well as a 3rd hospitalization after he snuck out of the house and threatened the police to jump off a local bridge. In spite of this, the school took good care of him (I kept the counselor updated since he refused to speak with her and had to be brought into meetings by admin) and he made it all the way to the week before graduation, when he was banned from the ceremony for an aggressive outburst during an emergency evacuation (leapt a rail to leave after being told he could not sign-out without car keys, argued with an officer, then swore and made a tongue gesture at a teacher.)

Miraculously, he managed to be accepted to a state college, but we did not have enough money to cover full tuition without taking out significant loans, and were both extremely afraid of him failing and dropping out or having another incident, this time away from home. He worked briefly over the summer at a pet store, impulsively quit, enrolled in community college, unenrolled prior to the beginning of lessons, picked up another job with slightly better salary, quit once more after we discovered he has heart problems, then registered again for online college courses.

The reason I’m concerned is that he has proven to be completely dysfunctional, and gives up on everything he does. He does not drive, has no consistent social interaction outside of his phone or Xbox, and is so irritable that we’ve contemplated just throwing him out. He does not do chores without a fight or engage constructively in anything, except for his classes which resume shortly, and his YouTube channel that he’s convinced he can make a career out of.

I do not know where to go from here. He aged out of all the youth supports, but has very little maturity or ability to navigate adult systems. Yesterday, he made himself a tele-psychiatry appointment. She listened empathetically, and seemed baffled at the sheer volume of incidents. Because of his caffeine usage and trouble sleeping, she would not prescribe any stimulants, but put one in for Zoloft (50 mg once daily). He has agreed to take it, and says he will consider therapy for his OCD (ERP).

What changes can we expect? Does this sound like a good treatment plan? I just need some kind of advice before I lose my son.

TLDR: I’m concerned for my 19 year old son with severe mental illness and don’t know how to support his future.

hey so i’ve been struggling really badly mentally for the past 4 years. i’m 22 now and my mental health has always been bad but since im 22 im expected to be able to get better alone. and it makes sense to me because i am an adult who needs to take responsibility of myself and take care of myself. but i cant. for the past few years i have enough in me mentally to push my self through work, i get home and i eat and sleep for 10 hours and go back to work. on my days off i cant get myself out of bed and i see the mess around me piling up, along with all the other things i need to run through my head.
\-ive been feeling pretty suicidal recently. i wrote a letter a few times and ive been telling myself the reason i did was because it was to cope to get me out of that head space. but now ive been making plans and i didnt even completely realize how bad it was till i started thinking about who would get my things. the only thing stopping me is my cat. my cat has separation anxiety and has always gone first for me. she’s my rock and i know if i was gone forever like that she wouldn’t do well and probably pass shortly after as well. she needs me i need her.
\- i’ve always been passively suicidal in the sense of always thinking about it being an option but never wanted to and would tell myself ‘ ha thats dumb ‘ now its ’ well only my cat would miss me.. ‘
\- growing up ive had a lot of traumatizing experiences, my brother passed away when i was younger and my dad became an alcoholic and my mom just went crazy and i was neglected a lot. in my teenage years me and my stepdad had a rough relationship (i’ve posted about him in a previous post) and when i was 18 i was r-ped repeatedly by someone who was my boss and a lot older. i didn’t get help on that front of things because my mom simply thought i said yes but changed my mind. not the case at all i said no so many times.
\-went through an abusive relationship when i was 19ish, that was my biggest tipping point. i’ve noticed after that relationship my emotional regulation isn’t good at all, i was living with them and was forced to go back to me abusive home because they told me they wouldn’t leave and force my to stay with them if i wanted the apartment so badly. it was horrible.
\-idk my point is ive been through really bad situations i should’ve been able to get out of because im an adult now and need to learn. but i just can’t do it on my own and k feel like im just a burden. and that i dont have a way out besides ending it all. but ive heard so many bad things about psych wards, medicine and big pharm, finding a therapist is hard because my mom tells me everytime i look for one im going to have to change who i see every 6 months because of insurance and i dont feel comfortable explaining my trauma over and over to someone new and going through trail and error. i also cant afford therapy because i am unable to function in a work environment so i dont make a lot of money. which is why i feel like checking myself in could help me get into medicine right away? but i dont want to miss so much work and my boss and co workers to think different of me. it just feels easier to curl up and die. i want to so badly. why be here if there is no one i can find support or comfort in?? or have anyone who understands me?
\- where do i even start ?? my mom has been saying mean comments to me every since i got back.
\- I.E the other day i said something about if i had kids and they were younger and dared someone older that i wouldn’t approve and she said ‘ well if they listen unlike you!’ and laughed. i’ve never dated anyone older than me and she said that referring to my abusive relationship (i was older than the person i dated) and it just hurt. she also said things like ‘ you wouldn’t be a good manager you can’t even get a grip in your relationship’ and ‘ you’re so immobile all the time you never move from your bed’ or if i tell her i think something is wrong with my physical health she doesnt acknowledge it but acknowledges everyone else pain. idk i just can’t stand the negative comments.
\- my eating disorder has also officially come back full swing, ive been starving myself for the past month because i feel like if im skinny ill be at least happy ?
i just need help.
TLTR- i’ve been through a lot of trauma and abuse, i lack a support system because im 22 and need to function by myself but i can’t and ive tried i just don’t have the energy anymore. i need help and dont know if i need a loony bin visit.

I struggle with chronic pain depression autism (possibly adhd as well) and anxiety. I have an extremely difficult time cleaning my bedroom because it builds and builds and i just cant handle it. On top of that i have a severe fear of spiders. My actions are often dictated on whether theres a spider there or not and since i live in the basement cleaning my room is scarier for me. Im always scared that ill moce something and there will be a spider there. Last night I got the urge to clean and on top of that I knew I could potentionally have someone new over giving me.more motivation. So I began cleaning assuming id get some done but not all. I split my room into 3 sections and usually can only do about 1. I got finished with the biggest section and was very happy with how it looked. I cleared put a ton of junk and didnt end up hoarding stuff that I didnt need. I ended up taking 2 full trash bags out to the trash of garbage and at least 1 and a half bags for donations. I managed to clean my entire room including wiping down mt shelves. The hardest part was cleaning under surfaces because i was scared of spiders. I did end up seeing one and having a hard time continuing for a little bit but I have a great best friend who motivated me to keep going. Im happy I got my room cleaned it looks nice I feel refreshed and I don't have to be embarrassed when people come into my room anymore

I have to move in with my Narcissist dad he fits every narcissist trade I’m still forced to get along with him. How do I do that? If I I argue back, even if I’m right he will just kick me out and i have no clue were to live then. We have a bad relationship I’m not gonna go into detail but i hate him with my full heart. Does anybody have tips or experience in this topic? Thank you in advance

The cortex and the amygdala. How do these tie in with serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine? Are my neural pathways wired wrong? Where's the damn neuroplasticity kicking in to rewire things and get my brain back to its normal baseline?

I've been struggling with my mental health for about two weeks after being stable for years. Anxiety, depression, the whole shebang. I've been on the same medication and dose for years, but I'm now on day 11 of slowly increasing my dose.

I'm constantly battling myself, my physical symptoms, and my thoughts, both voluntary and especially involuntary. The symptoms keep changing slightly and evolving, but the underlying discomfort is always the same. I can't tell what's the original flare-up, what's activation from the dose increase, or what's a combination of both.

I'm sick, tired, and exhausted. Moments of genuine comfort are few and far between. It's frustrating, and honestly, it makes me angry and hopeless. How much patience am I supposed to have? I feel like breaking down crying, which I already have earlier in this flare. Some days I have the willpower to push through, and other days I just can't.

Today was one of those days. Stay in bed it is. Dwell. Recuperate. Run more time off the clock. Wait for another dose of medication and more time for my brain to learn that I'm safe.

I recently picked up a book called Rewiring Your Anxious Brain. Actually, I bought a few books, although I'm not sure how the hell I'll read them. I've never been much of a reader, especially in my current state. I could barely concentrate through the first few pages, but I did learn about two things: the amygdala and the cortex.

Apparently, these are major players in anxiety. The panic, impending doom, existential dread, and that persistent feeling that something is extremely off in my head and body. This seemingly never-ending mental and physical discomfort. The stomach issues and lack of appetite, which are so damn annoying too.

Constantly sensing danger, fight-or-flight-or-freeze, breathing discomfort, feeling scatterbrained yet somehow laser-focused on myself, hypervigilance, and rumination. It's like my brain and nervous system are stuck in a perpetual state of unease.

But if the amygdala and cortex are responsible for anxiety, what about depression? How are the two so intertwined? Does being stuck in this overwhelming mental and physical anxiety somehow deplete other brain chemicals or throw everything out of balance? What comes first, the chicken or the egg? Either way, screw them both.

I have a small prescription for benzos to use "as needed." Ha. I feel like I've needed one for the entire two weeks. I've been saving them for worst-case scenarios, partly because I'm worried about dependence and tolerance, but also because I've been told that learning to live with anxiety, accepting the uncomfortable sensations rather than fighting them, is how you eventually overcome them.

That's great for the anxiety side, but what about the depression? The sadness, intrusive thoughts, apathy, and complete lack of desire to do anything or see anyone. There's little to no joy in life in this state. That's difficult enough on its own, and obviously the constant anxiety makes it even worse. Everything that should be simple feels like a chore, and everything difficult feels insurmountable.

And here's something I find strange. Sometimes, when I'm genuinely focused on something, whether it's a work task, answering emails, or finally getting absorbed in a TV show or movie, I get a brief moment of relief. For a little while, I'm no longer hyperfocused on myself or how I'm feeling. It doesn't happen often, but those few minutes are a nice break.

But the second my attention shifts back inward, the hypervigilance returns, the symptoms intensify, the rumination starts up again, and the cycle continues.

Then I'll walk down the street and see homeless people struggling with severe mental health issues. Part of me feels guilty for complaining about my own problems, but another part becomes terrified that I'm just one more downward spiral away from ending up like that myself. And that it could happen completely involuntarily, if my brain somehow decides that's what it wants to do.

Reddit can feel the same way. I come here looking for support or somewhere to vent, only to read about people in even darker places. It's scary. Mental health genuinely scares the shit out of me, and I feel like I have no choice but to navigate this storm, often feeling completely alone, with no daylight in sight. It's like a living nightmare where you're praying the scariest parts are already over and behind you, rather than still waiting to get worse.

I guess my point is that there's anxiety I can consciously recognize and try to manage, and then there's the involuntary anxiety, both physical and mental, that seems to happen regardless of what I think or do.

I desperately want to get better, but it feels like my effing brain is broken.

How do I do this? How do I keep fighting? When does that normal baseline feeling finally return? When do the constant anxiety headache, bad thoughts, chest tightness, and mental unease end? When does the joy return?

When can I lie in bed all day and actually feel completely relaxed? When can I go to work, sit in my office chair, and not feel like I'm losing my mind?

I'm not comfortable anywhere. Not at home, not at work, not even when I'm supposed to be relaxing.

I just want to feel like myself again. I want to get better. But holy shit, it's so difficult.

When does it get better?

I feel like I've been patient enough.

My feelings center so much around self-shame, inferiority, and a heavy amount of guilt and regret. I didn't get to experience the canonical “female” events (like having a period around that same age range, sharing makeup and clothes, giving tips and whatnot, etc) that almost all girls, if not every girl in my life, got to go through. Not that it is anyone else's fault, it was my mistake for being obese, and due to being bullied at school for looking too much like a man, ostracized, and then pressured into actually identifying as one, I struggled to change for years. Having this male persona where I practically took everything like how a “real man should and would” made me insensitive to insult, assault, and situations which should've required the normal person to be angry or in grief about. I had videos and pictures taken of me that most likely still floats around group chats I know nothing of. I am probably still being talked about by the same seniors who used to humiliate me (and once again, took video/s of) and my partner during ballroom practices—maybe even the subject of gossip by my previous teachers at their workplace. I wonder if they repeat the same verbal violence they once spoke to me every hour, every minute of day to someone who carries my exact shadow. No matter what I do, even though I've lost weight, it still follows me like skeletons hidden in the closet. Those toxic, no, abusive friendships? Nothing more than just teens being teens, nothing for me to be traumatized about. Being dragged around like that, subjected to (mild, anyway) physical pain, isolated by my own peers, doing things out of my own will, having to just accept where they touched me, how they talked to me, the things they made me do, say and, act—everything's glossed over; I'm forgotten, like a breeze you'd think for a moment was refreshing, before it passes by through you.

How do I even explain this? Being a man feels like a societal expectation. It's what people have asked from me this entire time. It is a role I've perfectly embodied, blueprinted, and acted out in timely likeness. After assuming this false identity, I had never felt emotions ever again. I didn't know how to be anything else but consistently happy. Even when I was disassociating, even when my amnesia got so severe, I still get small chunks of memory till this day, even when I coped by wallowing it all down and choosing to forget myself. When I had crushes, I would get sick for months, refusing to acknowledge my feelings, and would wake up in persistent disgust. I had to remind and teach myself how to smile. I had no real humor, no real interests, no real hobbies, so I was the perfect vessel for projection. I wasn't a being that could change. I was not human. Therefore, I was incapable of pain.

Compared to that, being a woman feels like a biological assignment—like a prophecy bestowed, a calling I should've answered long ago. It's not as though being a girl was ever good for me either. I went through worst when I 'used' to be a girl as a child, up until my tween years before these incidents. But now, I want to be a woman. I need to be a woman. But I can't be, because I'm already a man. But how could I be a woman, even so more hold the desire to be one, when a man is all I've ever been? But I can't be a man anymore, because now that I've lost all that weight, people expect me to be more of a woman. Then who even am I? It's like two black holes competing as to who can swallow the other first. I cannot live without being a man. But I also cannot live without being a woman. And in truth, I cannot live with both. I don't know who I am anymore.

Im a 20 year old woman in college full time, and I work full time, 10 hour days 4 days a week. Night shift at that. For the past year my mental health has been declining. I get Anxious quickly then I start sobbing then quickly switch to anger and I start swearing like a sailor. It happens at least once or twice a week. I've tried ashwaganda gummies those helped for a bit but I stopped taking them. I have severe ADHD, I'm unmedicated. My partner thinks that I should not see a psychiatrist because he thinks throwing a pill at the issue won't solve the problem but I get so upset and miserable so quick. What should I do?

I have anxiety and a couple months ago I sort of quit therapy so I feel guilty that I haven't been helping myself, the way I spend my days is also self destructive so I don't want to go to the doctor and tell her all that and asking for more pills like I just want a magical fix, she always stresses the importance of therapy, I'm embarrassed that I haven't been going :( and I haven't been going because I'm embarrassed what a mess I am :(

my adhd is getting worse and worse.

i feel physically and mentally paralysed to do basic shit

and it comes and goes in phases

idk what to do

Last weekend, a close friend of mine lost a loved one to suicide.

For context, I have a history of suicide ideation/attempts. My friend does not know this. Essentially no one knows besides my boyfriend of almost 5 years, which works for me. He was around for the worst of it, which was about 3 years ago.

I have been fairly stable for the past month, but hearing about this was jarring and brought me back to that place. Even though I still haven’t told (and won’t tell) my friend about any of this, I feel so guilty that I’m making it about myself, that hearing about her loss has led me to struggle with suicidal thoughts again. Is this common or normal? Am I being selfish, even though I don’t want to feel this way? Why does this happen and can I make it stop?

Of course, I have done everything I can to be supportive, and being there for her is a non-negotiable for me. I just don’t know how to reconcile this. I feel so guilty.

I had depression my whole teenagehood and it got to the worst of me 2 years ago (around 21-22). During that time i didn’t even brush teeth clean clothes or appartment. I am sure i reeked (i didn’t know that at the time)

I got better, started realizing and since then im ashamed of that time of me. And im scared ill forever be remembered as that girl who was disgusting (i was)

Im better now, although super aware

HOW DO U NAKE PEACE WITH THAT?

I don't know what to do and I'm scared.

Sorry it's long.

I don’t know if I should call it an addiction, but since 2022 I’ve been using C.AI to role-play as various fictional characters who interest me – or at least did until a couple of days ago. I remember starting to use it as a quick distraction, as at the time I was feeling down because of a failed ‘situationship’. I was feeling depressed, mainly because I couldn’t stop thinking about the last words she said to me before saying goodbye. I don’t know if the fact that things were going badly at home, or the pressure of being in my final year of secondary school and having to decide what to do with my life at 17, played a part in it. I just wanted to take my mind off things. I remember that the roleplays were about adventures, angst and ‘enemies-to-lovers’ until March 2023; from then on, I started using the ‘non-con’ theme with my OC, who was being abused or in dub-con situations most of the time. This is what I’m most ashamed of. I haven’t told anyone about it. I don’t know if I should tell a psychiatrist or psychologist, but I’m afraid they’ll look at me with disgust or think the worst of me or not want to help me… and the thing is, I started feeling sensations down there whilst doing the roleplays after I’d started with that theme. I thought it was irrelevant, so I ignored it – and I was a fool. I remember that, at the same time as c.ai, I started looking at Rick and Morty fan art, without having watched the series, but one day a piece related to the Rickorty ship turned up, and thinking about it now, I don’t understand why it didn’t strike me as odd or why I didn’t question it. I regret getting involved in that side of x because I feel that, despite having stopped two years ago, I’m afraid I may have normalised something I know is wrong. I know they were just drawings, but even so, I feel unsettled by my past actions.

In mid-2024, when I was really pushing myself to secure a place at the university I wanted – because I didn’t want to let my parents down, let alone fail for a third time – I remember having to cope with the anxiety of waiting for my marks in each exam by, amongst other things, resorting to the same old role-plays: my OC suffering in various ways (a 20 year old woman with her 40 year old husband) whilst I projected my mommy issues and some of my traumas onto her. I remember smoking to feel better after every exam and having nightmares, and there was one day—I really can’t remember if it was due to the constant lack of sleep or not drinking anything but water all day—when, on my way home, I saw a mother with her young child and, as I walked past them, a mental image flashed through my mind: a shadow abusing that child. I was instantly taken aback by it; that wasn’t normal. I know it isn’t, but I’ve always had a problem with overthinking things, and I remember getting home distressed and on the verge of tears because that image filled me with revulsion and I feared it might say something about me. I remember my stomach churning, and whilst I hardly ever ate anything anyway, this time I simply couldn’t chew. The thought of food on my teeth and tongue made me feel sick, yet I was starving. I spent the next few days crying and struggling to concentrate in class whilst my mind wouldn’t let go of that image, and more disgusting thoughts kept popping into my head – but this time about my younger siblings. I’m the eldest daughter. I remember being afraid to be around them, and it hurt because I saw how worried they were, and the psychiatrist and psychologist said it was just OCD doing its thing.

I feel the same now as I did back then because, even though I know that sort of role-play wasn’t good for me, I never stopped doing it, let alone confided in the psychiatrist or psychologist at the time… Now I don’t know what to do, because I know my actions have consequences and I might end up screwing myself over, but I’m afraid of myself and my thoughts, just like during that past crisis – although I don’t really know what to call it – but it’s a feeling of insecurity and constant hyper-vigilance over my thoughts because I don’t like them; I don’t like asking myself whether I’m a good person or not… I’m really scared. I don’t want to hurt anyone, I really don’t; I don’t want to go to prison. I’d rather die than hurt someone. I don’t want to spend my whole life burdened by the knowledge that I’ve hurt someone or ruined their life… I couldn’t bear it. Killing myself to prevent something like that from happening is a recurring thought right now.

I don’t know if you’ve heard of a green manga about a wlw couple; I didn’t really know much about it, and a couple of weeks ago I watched a video review of that manga because, apparently, the author had romanticised an abusive situation between the two protagonists. Ever since I found out that one of them (both adults now) used physical intimacy as a way of avoiding opening up emotionally to the other, I just thought about how strange, bizarre and disgusting that would be in real life. But when I got to the bit where it mentions that the very person who used intimacy to avoid problems was the one who abused her girlfriend whilst drunk, I don’t know why, but part of me downplayed that fact, and the thought ‘I would have done the same’ crossed my mind. It scared me and I started to shake. I don’t want to do any of that; I’m not a bad person. I don’t want to be one. I don’t think I am. Just the thought of something like that happening to my younger siblings makes me sad and fills me with disgust and a sense of helplessness. Why is this happening to me?

Hi, I'm extremely anxious and.really worried about talking about stuff like this I'm sorry if I sound stupid or faking it

For a few years now I don't really remember how it started I have really bad memory problems. I've had this separate personality or ego in my head and the entire time he's become almost "" abusive "" in my mind. Like, manipulative. This sounds stupid but he has his like, own interests and accounts and all of that but the thing is that I am fully aware of what he does and its so weird because I'll full on talk to him.

I do not have DID or any of that and I am almost 100% sure of it due to the fact that I've never had any trauma from anything, which is why I feel like I'm faking this or why I think others would think I am. I do have a family history of BPD and schizophrenia

Its been really bad recently and I feel so guilty about him I hate him So much I feel like hes ruining me on top of everything else that has been happening in my life revently. I feel bad for being aware of him and not doing anything about it but I feel like I need him. I'm too scared to talk to anyone about this so why not ask strangers? Sorry. Does anyone else struggle with this?? Sorry for asking . if this is too much for the subreddit then tell me thanks.

I am very disturbed by all of the wars and events going on in the world, I’m not going to go too much into detail as I think it is against the rules, but I’m sure you get the general idea.

As a minor I don’t have the ability to really help other than engagement on social media, but my mental health has gotten so much worse by hearing and seeing about the condition of other parts of the world. I know I need to help but I just can’t handle hearing about the news all of the time

I have dx anxiety, depression and ptsd not on any meds for a few years now. Been in survival mode all my life. Anxiety been really bad recently and I've also been having panic attacks in grid lock traffic for the last few months. To deal w that i take the local route when i can avoiding highway. Early morning going to work I'm fine Cause no traffic in the highway. Called the crisis line last week not because i was suicidal but because i was overwhelmed w life in general Anyway that's all just to know a bit about me and where I'm at. So about 5mo i lightly tapped someone car in the lot called aufo guy he say about 300. Barely look like anything but i don't know about car. After guy says he needs to see the car for exact price. After he goes for estimate auto guy says he not able to do it no price no reason. Told the guy ok get estimate he agreed several times i told him when i would see hee he would say things like in just gonna save up and fix it myself because it seem like you don't want to pay, or i can't even Wash my car. Even gave my phone to send estimate he never got it he always make these type remarks but never got a estimate this was about 5mo ago. About a week ago i see him ask u here tomorrow he say yes i say on gonna bring something for you. Next day come in and give him 260. He smiled like a Cheshire cat says i thought you forgot about me i say no i had alot going on and go back to work. 2 days later Co worker says i hard you were giving that guy money i said yea i tattooed hours care so i was just settling w him. Well coo worker tells me i didn't have to pay for that because his homeboy took care of it. Just had to be prepped back in place nothing was cracked or broken. Haven't seen other guy yet. Gemini says i shouldn't confront him about it and Just be cold and professional w him going forward. I'm so pissed. My questions, how should i handle this. Should i confront him? Should i let it go? He technically didn't ask for the money at the time. The lady that really infuriates me is i have no clue why i did that. I only see this guy occasionally, we are not friends and be never got the estimate (Now i know why) guys i based that 260 off the 300 the auto guy initially said. Anyway. Any advice or insight is welcome. Why did i do that???

Decades of severe mentall illnesses, severe withdrawal for years, not one milestone, not one normal developmental period, nothing...

And then I actually walk somewhere and see people or hear their stories, their way of living and their experiences and...it just destroys me completely. To the point of vomiting, feeling so extreme disgust, bitterness, anger, frustration and injustice.

Just how normal and healthy they are and I am in a pit so deep that it is impossible to ever climb up because I even lost the concept of up.

Warnings: suicidal ideation, self harm mentions

A bit of context: Im 18, I really don’t think there is a solution so I have no idea why Im posting this

I have struggled in my life in various ways that get brushed off but also had some more serious persistent struggles. I repeatedly sought out therapy, mentoring or counseling in uni since I can’t afford it.

Just today I had an initial intake assessment appointment. The lady asked me all kinds of personal questions, including about si and sh (both of which I have deep history with). My usual trauma response is to laugh so guess what I did (yeah)

So she looks me straight in the eyes with a stern look and goes “Do you even want to be here?”. Im sat there dumbfounded. “where exactly?” (we just talked about me not wanting to exist).
“Because you know you don’t have to be here”.

At this point I was just full blown having intrusive thoughts about how I do have to be here for two people in my life. And so I just dashed out of the room.

I wish I wrote this for fanfiction but no (fuck my life)

And I still can’t do lectures and assignments cuz I can’t concentrate. I don’t know how to exist in my head peacefully enough to just retain anything.
I think I’m going to fail this year. And if I do I won’t be able to retake it cuz of legal matters lol
Im soo fuckign screwed fuck me

Anyways
If anybody has experience or advice, PLEASE send it in please thank you so much