Takeaway meatlovers pizza I had a few weeks ago during exams

I already wrote this whole update out then just as I was about to post it my phone went flat and I lost the draft 😭😭 so here’s my tired recap of whats happened since I posted last (oh and thank you guys for all the support and advice, helped me decide how to go about this and for that I’m so grateful)

- I sent her a message asking to meet up sometime and talk about what happened, but after about 12 hours after sending and still being left on delivered I said fuck it and just called her.

When she picked up it was awkward at first, we said our hellos, how are you’s, and I finally got the courage and just asked “how much do you remember about the other night?”

This led to an awkward but honest 2.5 hour call where lots of things were finally cleared up.
She said she was sorry about how she came onto me before I stopped her and said I was sorry I wasn’t clear the reason I made her stop was fear she was still drunk and couldn’t make the decision to consent, and not because I didn’t like it (I did!!) we both agreed no consent was violated and we don’t regret anything that happened apart from the next morning

This led to admitting we were quite sober in the second half of the night and she remembered about as much as I did.
She then told me why she had pretended to forget what happened: before she saw me the next morning she talked to one of our other friends staying over and they implied they had heard us, something along the lines of “you must’ve had fun last night!” And it freaked her out because she felt judged and embarrassed that our friends knew we hooked up and so she wanted it to seem like she didn’t know so they didn’t talk to her about it. She didn’t realise it would also make me think she was brushing me off, and she apologised. Oh, and she called me gorgeous 🙃 looking back, I think our friendship has always been a bit romantic and this was probably going to happen at some point and we just got unlucky with it being while we were drunk with friends in the other room.

Neither of us are really ready to tell anyone in real life about what we are, come out or anything so it’s really lovely I can just dump it here 😭😭

We’re going to meet up and get food together on the weekend as a non official date just to see if we have chemistry elsewhere. Even if we don’t work out we will definitely stay friends who don’t have to pretend we never hooked up and could laugh about this someday

Vegan miso soup.

Pretty much I had paid close to $900 to euthanize their other cat back in late August, and they did not pay me back. Their second male cat had a UTI a week ago which progressed into a blockage to which they were going to get checked out at the vet when they got their paycheck. They called me earlier this morning to say that they would pay me back next Friday for their meds, then a couple hours later, they called me and said that they needed an operation, x-rays, and surgery to remove the blockage. They said it would cost $2000 and they needed me to co-sign the loan.

I said no. They did not pay me back the initial $900 for their previous cat’s euthanasia, and they was being really manipulative and saying I had to do this and it’s just a piece of paper, although it could have had major long-term consequences for my financial future. They then said it is about money for me, and I said no. I was thinking it would be irresponsible to basically decimate my financial future if they could not pay or did what they promised, and you’re not even supposed to share credit with friends, and we have only been hanging out since beginning of this summer. Their other friend had to give up their paycheck even though they were financially struggling too.

I got a message from another friend of ours, and they said that my ‘friend’ thinks I hate her, and I was baffled because the ask was extremely unreasonable and risky to do for my own future. Another friend and their mom was listening in and they were so appalled at the way she talked to me and how she did the playbook of being manipulative, and how I did the right thing to refuse to co-sign. I called another friend and he agreed. I talked to the guys who made my burger and they agreed that she was not a friend.

I’m not even sad, I’m so shocked and I’m baffled as to why she thought I would co-sign a loan. I feel for her losing her cat, however I cannot do this to myself and fuck up my credit/financial future. If it makes me a massive bitch I accept that. I know I did the right thing as that would have been super irresponsible and risky to do with someone that has bad credit and finances.

I know I should not ruminate on it but genuinely I’m in shock and just…… baffled and really really feel insane right now.

My kid started kindergarten this year and told me she has no friends. She said the other kids don’t want to play with her and tell each other not to talk to her. She says she plays alone on the playground and even though they eat lunch at the same table, nobody wants to talk to her.

They’re doing spirit week at school and one day is Twin Day. She asked a few kids if they wanted to twin with her and they all said no. Why is there even such a thing as Twin Day? I feel like it makes kids feel excluded.

I reached out to the school and her teacher said she asked my kid, and my kid said everything was fine and she was happy. I explained that my kid doesn’t open up often and she probably didn’t feel comfortable telling her. I never got a response back even though I was told they would follow up with me.

I am so heart broken. My kid is the only child, and her dad and I are divorced. I raised her to be strong and outspoken as I feel like she will need to be in this world, but now I feel like I did too much and she is not liked by others. I don’t know what to do, or if I should even do anything at all and let her figure it out.

Pizza is not burnt. It’s from Prince St Pizza in Chicago and it’s their charcoal crust.

My husband has been working at this company for years now and has made some really great friends through work. About 6 months ago they got a new coworker a few years younger than us and his friend group tried to get him involved. They would invite him to get lunch. Play video games. Group chats. All that jazz. One of they guys sold him a car... then the trouble started.

Well... He was supposed to be paying the car off but kept pushing payments. Saying he was having issues with money due to fanily stress. He started being really distant with the guys. Basically fucking around his entire work day and getting nothing done. Coworkers wouldn't see him for hours. Then he would pop up again. People slowly stopped being friends with him and today the bomb dropped. A local crime page posted his mugshot. He assaulted a 14 year old girl. The work place hasn't fired him for said offense but his entire work place is in shambles. One of the guys has known him since middle school. He has met everyone's kids. He himself has a 12 year old sister he was living with. We found out he didn't pay the car off because he was secretly paying an expensive lawyer. Guess it didn't really matter because he was charged. He was guilty. No one in his life had any idea that he could do such a thing.

I feel horrible for my husband. He keeps saying "what if it were you? or my sister?". He feels uncomfortable with going into work. He grew up in a family of survivors so he is barely containing his emotions at the moment. How do I support him? It's like losing a friend but so SO much worse.

I made chicken stir fry noodles :p

(NSFW) I feel too embarrassed to tell this to anyone I personally know but I feel it is too great for me not to unload. Apologies in advance for the TMI haha

My bf is way too good at eating me out. This can’t be a common thing, right? Whenever my ex attempted to go down on me, I would just feel bad for him because he would be doing absolutely nothing for me. I would kinda lay there awkwardly for like 5 mins until I tell him it’s time to wrap it up. And from my convos with other girlies, it seems like a lot of guys try, but it’s very difficult to make their girls come that way. I don’t blame them because I understand that female orgasms are a lot more complex, and require various amounts of time, care, pressure, rhythm, etc. But my current bf? He knows. HE KNOWS TOO MUCH. He unleashes his ult, using both his fingers and tongue at the same time. I think I came like 8 times in one night. One of my orgasms was so strong that I started to LAUGH. He doesn’t stop until I’m begging him to stop because of how overstimulating it is at the end.

I do think it’s also largely due to the fact that he’s very attuned to my needs and my reactions in bed. We’re both law students, so open communication comes easily to us. I always feel like my soul is also being cared for, and not just my body.

I’m super grateful for how my relationship is! Perhaps it’s a sign to go date that smart law student ;)

I don’t know what I’m eating I just found it at work

I’m 22 and this guy I’m seeing asked me to get a full panel STD/STI test before we continue our relationship. I agreed because I know I’m clean. I found out I have HSV1, we opened the results together and prior to me opening my results he was all over me and kissing me. He saw it and then he backed away from me. I asked him what was wrong and he said he has to do his own research on it and then he left.

We were texting and I told him that I’m worried that my thing is bugging him and he sent me this: “I really like you and you've been sweeter than any other girl l've talked too but I don't think I'd be comfortable with it. Dating is already hard enough honestly but I'd still like to take you out and hangout this Saturday”

I’m so confused because I thought HSV1 cannot be transferred unless I have an active outbreak. I haven’t had one since I was a child, that was my first and only time I got a cold sore. It’s been nearly 2 decades since then. If he’s so worried about getting it I understand him not wanting to be with me, but we have already done stuff, so I kind of don’t get it?

I’m feeling really gross right now. I feel so incredibly disgusting and there’s no way for me to get rid of how dirty I feel. This thing is forever. I initially didn’t think it was a big deal until his reaction.

I will never understand men. Broke up due to incompatibilities in love languages and emotional expression. I’m pretty devastated, can’t stop crying. He’s like it is what it is. We go for drinks one last time I’m like ok at least we’re ending this in a mature way. He turns to me at the 11th hour and says: Hope we can still be friends. I’m like oh sure that would be nice, how gracious. Then he adds and if you ever want to have sex too let me know. We can both feel free to date other people while we do it.

Literal pebbles in my throat, I wanted to throw up.

Food is home made bánh bao - Vietnamese style bao - with a filling of ground pork, chinese sausage, wood ear mushroom, and quail eggs. Still figuring out my dough recipe...couldn't get it to be as fluffy as I hoped.

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I (28f) have complex-PTSD from a childhood of -insert bad things-. (No need to trigger/traumatize anyone with details so I'll leave it at that.) I did pretty well growing up and was always considered high-achieving and outgoing. No one has ever suspected of my mental health struggles because from the outside my life looks great on Instagram and LinkedIn. In truth, I think I've been successful because I spent all my time chasing external validation instead of healing or addressing my deeper wounds.

Earlier this year, I thought it would be a good time to address some of the trauma. Turns out I was wrong. I had an awful experience and developed severe daily panic attacks. I went from being a high-achieving corporate baddie with an enviable blowout to not being able to get through a single day without falling apart let alone maintaining personal hygiene. (Gross, I know.)

Since then, I've been receiving therapy (from a different person, thank god) multiple times a week to heal. But it's become clear that the rate of decline of my mental health is more than my rate of progress in therapy.

So with the support of my therapists and close friends, I decided to go on a short leave of absence at work and get myself into an inpatient treatment program for PTSD/trauma. I start next week and will be in the program for about a month if all goes well. It's not like an acute hospital inpatient, more of like a mental health residential treatment center so I've been calling it grippy sock camp to give it more ~whimsy~.

I have a lot of feelings about it though. I'm nervous about putting my life on pause for a month to do this. I've never not worked for an entire month. I've never left my dog for an entire month. (My friend is going to take care of her so I know my dog will be fine, but still.) I've never not experienced my life for a whole month. It's going to be an entire month of intensive work and it's a new environment and I'm scared of this very unfamiliar and new experience. And to be honest, I am feeling some mix of guilt, shame, and embarrassment about all it too. I can't believe my mental health got this bad. I just never thought it would be possible to feel like this.

At the same time though, I'm excited to get better. Genuinely, I'm excited to learn more tools to better cope. I know this won't "fix" me but I think I'll make a lot of progress from where I'm at now. I'm excited at the opportunity to spend all of my effort and time on healing myself. I don't know if I've ever had the space or time to do that before. I feel really hopeful that this will be a net-positive experience.

Anyways - I think taking this step to get myself back on track counts as a win. It's only a small step but it's a step forward regardless.

If you have any experience with these types of things, I'd love some advice or about what to expect or have in mind to get the most out of my time in the treatment program.

Dinner is a pulled pork sandwich from my local BBQ joint. Wednesday is $5 burger or pulled pork sandwich night.

In another post, a trans person said something like "not feeling like a woman". I remember when I said that to my therapist when I was transitioning. So she asked me "what is that supposed to feel like?" I was stumped. I had no idea. This was the best question she ever asked me. Outside of that, she sucked as a therapist. But back then, there weren't many therapists who saw trans people. Anyway, I couldn't answer that question. The reality is that I can only feel like me. As much as I would have liked to be cis, that didn't happen. So I will never have the experience of growing up with a female body. I can only know how it feels to be me. And that's true for everyone. I'm just glad to have gotten a chance to transition. And I'm glad to be on the girl side of that.

Day 3 Leftovers from a giant pot: Golden Curry with Tofu.

It's yummy but after 3 days i can't curry anymore! 🤢

My stepchild (16) came to me this morning before school and asked me if I would help get a chest binder for their size 34 C chest.

They have been shifting towards a more loose fitting clothing style for a few months now, basically since the school year started, so I wasn't surprised, just at a loss to find something appropriate.

They fit in a women's medium (hollister size) with the C cup and I'm worried if i get the wrong size there could be pain or damage. They don't always speak up if they're uncomfortable, so I might not know right away if the fit is not good.

I need advice (even more wonderful if i get some from trans folks that have used binders) on how to size properly, and a recommendation on online shops if allowed here.

A year and a half ago my husband and I moved to a new state for an educational opportunity for him. He quit his old job thinking he would find a new one. Well, 1.5 years later and he is still jobless and has been unable to continue the education due to financial constraints. I’ve been working my remote job the whole time and financially supporting us both but it is draining our savings fast.

He managed to get a part time job that paid up to 1500 a month. I was happy for him but still had to go take a walk and cry because that still barely touches our bills and that job had no career progression.

That’s when I suggested we move back home. I could get an even better paying job back home with a good sign on bonus and he could go back to his old workplace. He rejected this because he hates our old state. He suggested he join the military. He asked me what I wanted him to do. I said idk, I just want financial stability. So, he decided to do the military.

He is enlisting Friday. I can tell he is depressed. I encouraged therapy but he rejected this option. I again suggested we move back home, rejected. He said that he feels like I am sending him to an active war zone to die in exchange for financial stability. This was said to me half an hour before work. I began crying and he said this is why he doesn’t share stuff with me, it makes him feel like an asshole. I am so hopeless for the future now. I don’t know what to do. I feel like he will be so depressed in the military. What else can he do? He is 30 and hasn’t figured out a career yet and hasn’t found a job in a year and a half.

EDIT: He is in therapy. It is really confusing seeing these comments telling me he needs therapy when he is in therapy since his divorce 6 years ago. Didn't make him better, but I know that I can either. I don't know what he needs. Doesn't make the shame any less.

An early brunch because I finally felt like eating something substantial and hearty.

My (28f) boyfriend (36m) that I have been with for 8 months has ADHD and is on a high dose of stimulants. When I met him he was very kind and thoughtful, and told me he has had a crush on me for years (we knew each other). We went out a few times then it sort of turned into us just hooking up, but he told me he was very overwhelmed, burnt out and exhausted due to work and life. We would talk a lot and we were still getting to know each other. He said he was only looking for a committed long term relationship because he doesn't do "casual".

He lived in his grandparent's basement and tbh when I first started going over I thought it was really gross, (old dishes piled on the entire counter, floors unclean, baskets and baskets of unfolded clean laundry) but knowing that he was going through a tough time I thought it would definitely get better and would help him in the earlier months. As time has gone on though it seems that this has not changed, and actually worsened. He spends days sleeping all day and night, then one day he told me he was depressed.

I didn't know what to say because I felt like I was already being incredibly supportive and trying to help him whenever I could so I basically said that I didn't know how to help him because I truly don't know what more I can do? He ended up not seeing me for three weeks and barely responded to any texts and when I asked what was happening even though I know he's depressed he said "you said you didn't know how to help me." I was shocked because I did say that but it's because I don't know what else he wants me to do and it made me feel like an AH.

He went out with me recently and the entire time he seemed so miserable and angry. I suggested mini golf but he wanted to go to a different place that I didn't care for because it was cheaper even though I was paying. He was miserable the whole time even though I tried so hard to make him laugh and flirt (I had a cute dress on that showed my cleavage).

I then said that I wanted to go for dinner and he kept telling me to pick a place but then kept saying no to every place I picked (4 different restaurants) so I said "why don't you pick?" He went silent and said he knew a good place. I tried catching him up about my friends who recently had to move because of an arson attack and he basically said it was their own fault they were having issues which made me go silent. We walked to the restaurant and when we sat down he asked me if I knew why he was angry, which I didn't. He said it was because I "couldn't pick a restaurant. When I ask you to make a decision I need you to do it." I was shocked because I had made multiple decisions, but then he switched to talking about food. He told me that I "didn't need rice" which made me feel insecure and after I finished my seafood dish sans the carbs he said "that was a lot of food to eat." The rest of the night was just as quiet as I ended up staying over but after he woke up at noon and made me breakfast he basically said it was "getting late" and I decided I should leave.

I am wracked with both guilt and shame over leaving this man, but am so sick and tired of being told how unintelligent I am how much and what I should be eating. I truly feel like this is so tough but absolutely unavoidable and it is a test of my own strength to actually end things with this man.

Food : Publix Chicken Tender Sub - iykyk 🔥🔥🔥

There’s no good solution to this, it’s more of a rant than anything but feel free to throw in your commentary.

My husband’s best friend makes all the wrong decisions. He has a spending addiction (and a real addiction), he declared bankruptcy and therefore can’t get any credit, he gets disability so he barely works but he thinks he’s entitled to the comforts he grew up with and is obsessed with portraying a curated public image. (I lost it when I got a letter about how perfect their life was last Christmas because I knew the behind the scenes.) All of that could be fine and none of my business if he didn’t keep fucking asking me for money. Yes. We make good money. My husband is a blue collar union worker and I own my own very small business that took me a decade to build. We don’t have kids and we live below our means but we do live much more comfortably than most other people in our lives - that’s fine. And if my siblings or parents ask for money, okay. Totally fine. They pay it pack usually, and if they don’t, they’re family and it’s rare and it’s because I tell them not to worry about it. But we are not a bank. We work hard as fuck and NO ONE asks for more than this friend. My husband struggles to tell him no, and I do (ish) because when he was at his lowest and suicidal from PTSD this friend was there for him, and we’ve been there for this friend in similar situations, but when do we acknowledge he’s taking advantage of us? ‘I need $300 to keep the electric on, I have kids, they hit me with a surprise fee…’. Okay. ‘I need $XXX for my gas bill’… or for gas. It’s at least every other month. He thinks he’s entitled to our money and I’m about to burn a decades old bridge soon if it doesn’t change. He doesn’t uber. If it were me, I’d bust my ass for those kids to have stability. That’s the example I was given. I worked 60-80 hr weeks for YEARS. I don’t have as much pity for him as my husband - though he also agrees it’s unacceptable. But here we are. Zelle-ing another payment. I’m over it.

my classic breakfast of cheez-it and muffin make a return (featuring the same fuckass press ons)

Hi !!!

I made a post on here yesterday about my gender identity (not touching on it further than that, it lowkey became a train wreck.) Someone gave me the advice of not wearing she/her pins because people will see those and misgender on purpose, so I took off all of those and did not say my pronouns at work once last night !

And girls, thats the hack, I did not get misgendered a single fucking time, I was called ma’am by people who have previously misgendered me, when I looked exactly the same. I actually felt so comfortable in my skin and I was getting some insane confidence boosts.

Just wanted to share a small win, thanks for reading as always lovelies and remember i love y’all <3

Arby's beef and cheddar because I have 0 standards for food

Currently talking to a work crush of like 1.5 years after never speaking before. I'm down catastrophic, down abysmal, I'm practically in the earth's core.

I've never gotten along with someone so quickly and thoroughly before, and it's nice to make a friend I can relate too so deeply. Which also sucks because I'm head over heels at this point with a whole 0% chance of anything happening

Life would be easier if I liked men, oh well more yearning and agony for me.

Lesbians please tell me if this is a normal happening or if im just clinically insane

Dinner : Salad with my bun

I recently found out my boyfriend has a porn addiction and it’s been affecting me and our relationship.

My phone locked me out of my icloud and I used my boyfriend’s phone to try and find my password. We’ve been together for 4 years so it’s not abnormal for me to be on his phone. While searching for my password I came across an icloud email warning him that his account on an art website had been flagged for “inappropriate images depicting a minor”. I of course was floored and immediately tried to login. Once I accessed his account I saw multiple naked photos of myself posed to an account “Ily(my name)”. They were all titled “(my name) 1”, “(my name) 2”, etc. Each had many comments, saves, views, etc. I also found messages between him and other girls, as well as other boyfriends posting their girlfriends. Each message asked for nude photos of these women and talked about their bodies. One in particular he seemed overly interested in, talking about her cloths and body more personally.

I confronted him about it and it has been around 4 weeks since, but I keep finding more and more stuff on his phone and computer despite him continually telling me he didn’t have anything else to hide.

He has made multiple reddit accounts where he similarly shared photos and talked about or to other women, he had a discord account where he was active in multiple e-sex servers and also had similar chats. He used an app called sessions which you can anonymously call and chat with people.

I also discovered that he has a sexual desire for femboys, and it’s one of the major genres of porn he likes. This was surprising because my boyfriend doesn’t seem like the kind of person to be into that, and of course I do not have that sort of equipment so it makes me self conscious.

Overall, i’m struggling with moving forward in our relationship and in my life. I’m struggling to trust him again. I have never had serious self esteem issues but now I always feel anxious and hate the way I look, or fear that he doesn’t like the way I look, act, etc. I constantly feel the need to continue searching through his devices and compare myself to the girls (and guys) on his phone. How do I move forward?

dinner: breakfast.

Ever since i met my boyfriend my life has genuinely gone downhill, i once had so much confidence, happiness, and motivation, and it’s like he sucks the life out of me. We started dating early part of this year, and he’s like the good soft sweet guy, which i’m so into, but i believe he kinda just pretends to be that. Everything could’ve been perfect, till we started arguing so frequently because i always felt something wasn’t right. I’d drive myself insane trying to catch the smallest little thing to prove what i believed, which was that he was cheating on me.

it hurt so bad, because it’s like i knew all along, but seeing it’s true just hits differently.. i can’t even explain it. then what makes it worse is that this guy was cheating on me from the very start of our relationship, till the time i caught him. I’m so damn stupid and broken, because after everything was exposed i’m still in this broken relationship. My self respect has plummeted to the ground, and i don’t believe it’ll get any better till i get rid of him completely.

The hard part about that is he’s genuinely apart of me, he’s in every thought, every dream, all of my free time is with him, i’m nothing without him anymore and i hate it so much, i can’t believe i let myself get this way for a guy like that.

i tried atleast 6 times to leave him, but no one understands how hard it is, i understand he abandoned the relationship when he cheated, but it’s like i don’t have it in me to abandon him, then there’s just a cycle repeating and repeating, im so lost, i dream of being without him and finally being myself again, but i also dream about being with him and everything perfect like it should have been.

Recently i’ve been more into him, i don’t even believe it’s love, i could never continue to love a guy that does/did me that way, but it’s like my heart is attached to him.. every time i go he begs and spams me everywhere, i feel so bad and the bad ways i felt about him somewhat disappear, and im trapped again.

i can’t continue this, it’s ruining my life. I think I’ll have to block him everywhere as he sleeps, and when he wakes up i’ll be gone. It’s so cruel but i’ve tried everything. he isn’t getting better, he just hides it better. i’m tried of having a boyfriend that doesn’t really give a damn about me, i don’t want a boyfriend obsessed with anime girls, and laugh a racist jokes. that isn’t my husband, i’m tried of wasting time because i can’t let go, even though everything hurts me.

Breakfast for dinner- TB and egg muffins.

As the title says- my partner of 14 years attempted to cheat on me with a mutual friend. They weren't even successful because the mutual friend shot them down and then immediately came and told me. I was blindsided and distraught, but I ended it immediately. I had forgiven her for so many small things in our relationship, but this is something I don't tolerate.

"It was a mistake and lapse in judgement- I won't do it again" she says.

She's been spiraling ever since and trying to win me back, but I am almost positive I am 100% done. I cried so much the first couple of weeks, but I woke up one day and just had the feeling of being done. The way she talks or does things to try and win me back just feels so fake and scripted. That day when my feelings changed, I read a different reddit post that said "what advice would you give a woman in your situation?" and I thought hard about that. I would tell her to drop that person like a bad habit and enjoy your freedom. So.. I told myself to do just that.

I just wanted to vent and tell any other person out there that you don't have to settle for less. You decide your own worth, and I've decided I am worth more than this "love."

So, I’ve had the most ridiculous crush on my boss for almost an ENTIRE year. An entire year of being absolutely down bad for this man

The thing is, I genuinely thought the attraction was mutual. There have been moments where I feel like he was flirting with me and I swear there’s tension

Anyway, we had a company happy hour today, and we ended up leaving at the same time. We were walking home in the same direction until we eventually parted ways. And because I’d had a few drinks and apparently decided tonight was the night to throw all caution to the wind because of liquid courage, I texted MY BOSS to try to shoot my shot. I asked if he wanted to grab something to eat together. I asked him this bc while we were walking home he mentioned he was getting dinner

He responded that he’d already gotten food and told me to have a good night ☹️

I cannot even begin to describe the embarrassment I feel right now. I genuinely want the earth to open up and swallow me whole. Part of me wants to quit tomorrow, change my identity, and relocate to a different continent…. How the fuck am I supposed to look this man in the eyes tomorrow?

Obviously, I’m going to show up to work and act completely cool, calm, and collected, as though nothing happened. But internally? I am absolutely mortified

And I think what makes this so much worse is that I’m genuinely heartbroken. I’ve liked this man for so long. Almost a year of having eyes for nobody but him. I haven’t even wanted to pursue anyone else because, as embarrassing as it is to admit, I’ve been holding onto the possibility that something might happen between us

After not putting myself out there romantically for so long, I finally worked up the courage to make a move, and now I just feel like a complete fool

I know that asking someone to grab food isn’t exactly a declaration of undying love, but to me, it felt like a huge step. My heart hurts a little and I would very much like to never show my face at work again

Edit: I KNOW to not shit where I eat. I KNOW. I have always been anti coworker my entire career, but it just felt so different with him. Please don’t tell me I’m stupid, I already know that

Additional edit to add that this is the convo:

Me: do you want to get dinner together?
Him: what do you mean?
Me: if you haven't ate yet maybe we should get a night snack or something
Him: gotcha gotcha. eating my chipotle burrito rn. sorry. have a good night though!

TO ME, this is shooting my shot like HOW MUCH MORE DIRECT CAN I BE 😭

Two small Funfetti cupcakes I ate with no frosting.

TW abuse and physical altercation

So… I’ve discussed my horrible FIL before and how he’s horribly abused my MIL. It’s hit a peak when he’s triggered the kids so bad one was screaming “I hate you” and crying from a panic attack.
My husband then decided it’s done for and called his uncles. In a day or two, they’re going over to confront FIL especially over the physical abuse and he will absolutely fight them. They said they’ll ’remove him from the house’ to talk with him.

They’re getting a divorce and she already has a lawyer. He wants full custody and is gaslighting her tons and making her not eat dinner. He says “Tell me you love me and you can eat.”

And I believe the authorities will be called too…

Lamb skewers with the hubby because I can't stop crying today and lamb bbq is a happy food. Crying has stopped for now, but honestly I am broken and ready to go off the grid forever.

Some of you may know me already from a few months ago. I posted about the situation with my FIL. Unfortunately that's still somewhat ongoing since we don't have the money to move out and this is part of why. Luckily my husband and I have become experts at avoiding him, so that's the bright side.

Today is the anniversary of my startup. It's meant to be a happy day, but instead I've hit rock bottom. While I was building my startup (an app), the encouragement was everywhere. Friends cheered me on, gave feedback, told me they couldn’t wait to use it, even celebrities who I worked with said they loved the idea, so I was positive it would work. That support is a big part of why I put pretty much all of my savings into it. I did get a few early investors as well, who helped fund the build and get me to launch, so I did just that and it was amazing.

Now, to get further investment, they want to see traction, which normally starts with friends and word of mouth. My friends knew this since I had been transparent about everything throughout the journey. So I reached out to all the friends and acquaintances, the ones who were supportive and excited from the start, asking them to download it. The app is free, it is a music first social media app for sharing playlists cross platform and to discover new music through a community, not algorithms, so it aligned perfectly with the interests and field of work of the majority of my friends and the people who I work with (I DJ on weekends and host events). Out of all the people who I reached out to, every single person said they downloaded it, but in reality only ONE friend did. ONE.

As the owner and the admin I can see exactly who has signed up, and hearing “yeah I downloaded it”, "yeh this is awesome" when I know they haven’t hurts so much more than I thought. I wish they just said they haven't had the time, but instead they keep lying to my face thinking I wouldn't know. It’s free. It’s my heart and soul, and it would literally take them two minutes.

The part that is driving me to tears every hour of the day is that I love music so much, and I thought I'd found a good music community but it's a lie. I’ve done music since I was 4yo, worked in music for over 14 years and I had walked away before because the industry was so full of gatekeepers and toxic people that my mental health went down the drain, then found my way back through DJing. That road has its ups and downs, but I genuinely believed I’d met incredible friends along the way. I’ve always been that person who is happy to help friends, especially when it's something to help them with their careers because I know how hard it can be. They want me to vote for their music, done, they want me to promote a gig or introduce them to someone I know, done and done. But now reality has come crashing down and I’m realising I didn’t have the support I thought I had, in fact I have zero support from them, and the feeling of loneliness and fear is eating me up.

I know startups are hard. I never expected it to be easy. I just didn’t expect to be so unsupported. I'm terrified because something I built with love and with community in mind (I believe community is the cure to how sick the world is right now), to bring back that connection people share with music and mixtapes/playlists, is now just sitting there, stagnant, because the initial cohort of friends didn't download it. It's not like I expected my friends to sign up and pay for the app, it's free....

I don't want to fail. I can't fail. But without the support I thought I had I am struggling so much. I can't take up a new job because I need to keep pushing through with my company, but also due to this ongoing depression my chronic illness is flaring up and I'm barely capable of getting out of bed. I'm genuinely trying to relax and stay calm but it's all blowing up inside me. Stuck in a house with this FIL, stuck in a trance of fatigue and chronic pain, friends who I can no longer trust (bar the one but she lives in a different country now). I'm definitely blessed to have my husband who has not given up on me or my company. I'm trying my absolute best to not have a "pity party" but I feel so lost and afraid and weak, like I'm in a tunnel and there isn't a light at the end. I even honestly asked four of the friends about it at a gig we did together on Saturday and they still lied and lied and lied and I just wanted to pack my bags get on a plane and move to a remote island somewhere with my husband and not talk to anyone ever again. I really don't know how to face life every day when this is the reality right now.

I’m not here to promote anything so I'm sorry if it's coming across like that. But I needed to get this off my chest because I am ready to just run away from everything.
If anyone here has had the people around them suddenly go quiet right when they needed them most, how did you keep going? Or if there are any other startup girlies here, any advice? I'm truly broken and so any advice is welcomed. Please keep the comments kind because I'm really fragile rn ㅠㅠ

Venting on here cause I'm currently trying to convince my 2 year old to eat his food, while i have a wierd pit feeling in my body. dinner is whatever my toddler doesn't eat from his plate.

I'm a nurse and yesterday I had a patient who was actively dying. I'm going to spare some details but there was a lot of family drama and not everybody was on the same page to make the patient a dnr. But at the end of the day, that's what happened.

The patient was really sick and as I was giving the various ordered meds to make them comfortable, they passed away within 20 minutes. It was extremely fast. Faster than what I was expecting. Usually in my experience it actually happens really uncomfortably slow. What made it even worse was during the 20 minutes while the patient's last heartbeats and breaths were taking place, the family was passive aggressively arguing during it all. Then when they realize that the patient had passed and they spent the last moments arguing, they were kind of mad at me. I get it.... it's displaced anger, but I can't help feel like a grim reaper because even I was surprised by how fast it happened. Such a weird feeling to grapple with while I'm sitting here trying to entertain my two year old. And this is why we should all check on the healthcare workers. Some of us are not okay. I used to drink wine to cover up the weird feelings I would get. But I realize this was hurting me and my family in the long run. So here I am venting to you all instead of drinking. Yay me, almost 2 months sober! But, im still with the wierd feelings

Update: I don’t know if I jumped the gun, but it’s still very early in the day and my boyfriend surprised me with breakfast in bed and a cupcake with a little candle, and my favorite sour candies for later. Now I’m feeling like I just messed up my own day by getting in my head and self sabotaging. I essentially ruined a surprise. Feeling like a clown now. 🤡

It’s my birthday today. It’s a random Wednesday. My boyfriend didn’t make any plans. The trucking industry seems to be hanging by a thread so for the longest time he’s been working nights, but inconsistently. He got me some flowers yesterday (left them in a vase uncut with water - why do men think we want to do the work of arranging flowers?), but only after I prompted him to do something for my birthday. He also told me “sorry the flowers weren’t that great” (I’m assuming he went to the 7/11 next door and got it from there, not that I necessarily mind). Why do men say stuff like this? It kind of soured the gesture for me. Am I nuts?

I asked him why he didn’t have anything planned for the day. He said he was going to get me balloons but “the place didn’t have them” (verbatim quote) and he was running late for work. This was his first day going back to work since last Friday… but no planning on his end clearly. He said he’ll take me out to lunch at the end of the week before I hop on a flight for a work trip. So maybe I should be appreciative of that.

At the same time, I feel like he had so much time to figure out how to do something special for me. I’m not asking for diamonds here. But just an intentional gesture to show he cares and is unprompted. And again, I’m disappointed. For reference, for his birthday, I took him to Disneyland and bought him this massively overpriced F1 Lego car.

Just want today to be over.

On a lighter note, dinner is Asian garlic noodles from Cheesecake Factory. I went last night with a friend I just made a few months ago, who was so kind that she even wanted to pay for my meal as a birthday treat. Crazy that I can’t get this energy from a man who supposedly loves me lol.

Dinner: white cheddar Mac & Cheese with peas 😊

Met a girl after I began my transition. We’ve become best friends and mutually agreed soul connections. We’ve talked about a possibility of us but she’s conflicted.

The crazy irony is that she’s verbalized an attraction to the male version of me, but the universe would have never brought us together had i not transitioned 😕

Snack plate for dinner.

Guy I’ve been talking to for a week sent me an unsolicited dick pic from the toilet. Great dick, drawers dropped, toilet in frame, tile floor of the bathroom.

I wish I was joking. I almost threw up on the spot.
Paired with everything in the news the last few weeks, then the Shame Gillis shit… I’m over it

I’m content to be single for the forseeable future, and work on my creative pursuits and businesses because what the actual fuck is going on right mow 😂

I can’t deal with the sheer audacity anymore. Anybody else? How are you coping?

I’m buying pumpkins to absolutely fucking smash tomorrow—let me know your other ideas. Hinged or unhinged ideas welcome.

EDIT: if you’re a man PMing me to apologize for this man, don’t. Just do better.