My 6 yo plays and eats alone at school

[u/Natural-Blackberry26]

My kid started kindergarten this year and told me she has no friends. She said the other kids don’t want to play with her and tell each other not to talk to her. She says she plays alone on the playground and even though they eat lunch at the same table, nobody wants to talk to her.

They’re doing spirit week at school and one day is Twin Day. She asked a few kids if they wanted to twin with her and they all said no. Why is there even such a thing as Twin Day? I feel like it makes kids feel excluded.

I reached out to the school and her teacher said she asked my kid, and my kid said everything was fine and she was happy. I explained that my kid doesn’t open up often and she probably didn’t feel comfortable telling her. I never got a response back even though I was told they would follow up with me.

I am so heart broken. My kid is the only child, and her dad and I are divorced. I raised her to be strong and outspoken as I feel like she will need to be in this world, but now I feel like I did too much and she is not liked by others. I don’t know what to do, or if I should even do anything at all and let her figure it out.

Pizza is not burnt. It’s from Prince St Pizza in Chicago and it’s their charcoal crust.

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[u/Dropdeaadd]

Honestly, the truth is, is that cliques start very early in school. Even in kindergarten. they choose their friends and they outcast others. And in general I would say a lot of kids nowadays don’t know how to socialize with other children as much. Kindergarten is still so early, eventually she will find her person. I would definitely reach out to the school for that follow-up, and I would have a sit down talk with your daughter so she doesn’t feel like she is doing anything wrong. You’re doing good mama. Making friends is so hard. And it doesn’t get any easier with age.

[u/Natural-Blackberry26 → u/Dropdeaadd]

I noticed this too. We moved to this area when she was in daycare, and she had a tough time making friends there too. The rest of the kids knew each other since birth basically and she came in at 5 years old. Thank you, I needed to hear that ❤️

[u/julesburne → u/Natural-Blackberry26]

Hijacking the top comment to suggest the school counselor! Many schools have a lovely counselor or several, and at the school where I worked, they hosted lunch groups for kids they thought would get along. It's friendship with some scaffolding for kids who need it! So wonderful for helping kids find a place to fit in.

[u/yrntmysupervisor → u/Natural-Blackberry26]

This is mostly due to parents. Parents are the cliques, therefore their kids are too. They all grow up w the same mindset bc being an individual is out of their comfort zone. We live in a suburb close by and holy heck everyone who went to the hs came back (or never left) and had their babies go through the same exact steps they did. My kid is better off not being in the groups that are exclusive, even if it wasn’t by choice. Those kids are failing hard at life once the mommies aren’t controlling their every move.

[u/Hoeb_Aloeb → u/Dropdeaadd]

False. Never found my person as a kid

[u/g_Mmart2120 → u/Hoeb_Aloeb]

I have my husband but girlfriends? Not really.. I’m 30 and haven’t had a real girl best friend since 16.

[u/Intelligent-Bad2815 → u/g_Mmart2120]

Same, but 43.

[u/SkyFullOfWisteria → u/Hoeb_Aloeb]

Im 23 and still havent :/ i feel like it never gets better

[u/Complex-Grapefruit28 → u/SkyFullOfWisteria]

I found my people in my early 30s, there’s still time!

[u/IrrelephantFickle → u/SkyFullOfWisteria]

I found my person and lost them after 20 years.

[u/Sea_Cloud_6705 → u/Hoeb_Aloeb]

Me neither, I was in this situation and all the kids just refused to even speak to me until middle school.

[u/daisyXst]

I was this kid, and I wish my parents had told me I’m under no obligation to be social, taught me how to develop solo hobbies, and gave me the confidence to be alone. She probably doesn’t want to talk to the teachers because they bully her too, consciously or not, that was my experience. Short of pulling her out of school (which is what my parents did - they shifted me from school to school and I was abused in all of them) you just gotta tell her these people aren’t worth it and make sure she is comfortable being alone. That’s probably not what you want to hear as a parent, but as a neurodivergent woman, it’s a cold reality.

[u/Natural-Blackberry26 → u/daisyXst]

Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry you went through this. I also had a hard time growing up and I wonder if I’m projecting my insecurities on her. I will absolutely keep working on building up her confidence and self confidence ❤️

[u/whichwitch9 → u/Natural-Blackberry26]

One thing you can do is maybe look for a hobby you can sign her up for outside of school- think like dance, sports, craft classes, ect. This can be super helpful if you're worried about her socializing. Introducing herto kids outside her class while they all have something to focus on can be super helpful if there's just a toxic dynamic forming in the class.

Ask your daughter if there's anything she'd like to do or try. Even if it doesn't work socially, she could also just have fun

[u/Ancient-Egg2777 → u/whichwitch9]

I can't second this enough.  If you're in the US, see if you have a community rec center, 4-H chapter, Scouts.

And if finances are an issue, check your local library or county for events.

[u/Sudden-Tell-5872 → u/Ancient-Egg2777]

I agree, but it was girs scouts that changed my daughters life.

[u/LeatherRecord2142 → u/whichwitch9]

Yes! This! Shared experiences make it a lot easier to socialize and learn how to be in groups. At that age it isn’t always natural. You sound like a considerate, wonderful mom. Keep giving her the agency and tools she needs to figure things out and be resilient. And remember, it isn’t your job save her from negative feelings. It’s your job to help her manage her feelings as they arise. You got this!

[u/SecretAd8928 → u/whichwitch9]

This is also helpful because generally parents are allowed to observe extracurriculars compared to school which is a black box.

[u/Umklopp → u/SecretAd8928]

Yes, OP, you need to try getting her involved in some group activities AND you need to observe how she interacts with the other kids. Sometimes children need explicit guidance on how succeed socially.

[u/jorts-grew-longer → u/Natural-Blackberry26]

I had a few friends growing up, but I always felt lonely because my parents wanted me to be more social than I’m inclined to be. I still feel guilty when I’m alone, or when I want to go out alone. I agree with their advice.

[u/mustachedworm369 → u/Natural-Blackberry26]

Hi OP! I was your little girl as well. I'm in my early 30s now and am the most comfortbale alone. There's obviously some other stuff (ie trauma) that impacts this and things I certainly need to work on...but I've always been a bit of a loner.

I cannot reccomend Taekwondo enough, truly. It is by and large a solo sport, helps with self confidance, disclipine, and respect. The "forms" you learn were my favorite part and I was a junior black belt at 13. Plus, it's pretty damn cool to be a girl and say nope I don't play soccer, I do taekwando and break wooden boards!

[u/SymbioticSwitch → u/mustachedworm369]

Absolutely seconding this! Another loner girl who did play soccer (and was singled out as the weird one there) but went into martial arts and loved it. I want to go back, or find another solo sport to continue with, it's absolutely so freeing and builds confidence! 

[u/Sure_Tree_5042 → u/mustachedworm369]

I did aikido for a decade as an adult… and was just thinking… put this kid in martial arts.

[u/frobscottler → u/Sure_Tree_5042]

Aikido is awesome, and strictly non-competitive but very cooperative

[u/SverreSR → u/mustachedworm369]

My nine year old daughter loves taekwondo! She loves the sport, but also the other kids. The girls in her group are great. Sweet, playful, determined, not afraid to speak their mind and very accepting of her.

It is a solo sport, but they also have to work together when they train. Which makes it such a good fit for my daughter. The teachers also teach about boundaries, respect, standing up for yourself and safety.

[u/SuperSandLesbian23 → u/Natural-Blackberry26]

Idk how rough and tumble she is, but I was (still am lol) a little tom boy and the only activities I enjoyed was karate and swimming. My mom found a local team my age division and I had to much fun as a Litchfield Lagardos, and I didn't have to socialize much with other kids which was great I found one other weird girl like me and she became one of 3 girls I considered friends so it was nice. And since I was already a super anxious child the swimming was a great stress reduction activity, and since it was something I was actually good at I started placing 1st in almost every event at our meets so it gave me confidence in myself and kept me strong. I never was bullied, but being stronger kept any wannabe bullies away from me, they were content ignoring me and that's all I cared about and it wasn't so bad I sat in the library every day for lunch and the librarian was nice to me. I hope your daughter finds something she loves ❤️ I was the older sibling and my brother is more on the spectrum that I am so while I could isolate he was tiny and could not and there were times I had to go threaten the little bastards with ending their existence if they didn't leave my brother alone lol.

Best of luck sweetie, 👍 tell your daughter to never dull her sparkle for those wet noodles ✨️

[u/TheSirensMaiden → u/Natural-Blackberry26]

While I did have friends in school, I was very much a loner child by choice. I loved reading books, drawing, and writing stories and recess was the perfect time to indulge in those hobbies. I'm so sorry your kid is going through this, but maybe you can interest her in these kinds of hobbies that she can enjoy when she's left on her own at school. There's so many wonderful book series she could get into and there's something inspiring about a brand new notebook with special pencils to go with it. My mother always indulged my hobbies so long as my grades were good and I appreciate that about her because she really encouraged the growth of my personality.

[u/DizzyWalk9035 → u/daisyXst]

My Mom said the same thing to me. She was like "most friends are not real." I was getting bullied in kindergarten and 1st grade. Once I got into second grade it changed but also I got bigger and I was usually the tallest kid in class after that which probably made a difference. For me, I think I made the best friends in HS because you find your pack as a teen.

[u/Apprehensive_Dig3253 → u/daisyXst]

Wow thanks for sharing this. I, as a parent who was pretty social in school, needed to hear this.

[u/Interesting_Edge_805 → u/daisyXst]

I'm not neurodivergent and I was always alone and still am. I wish I wasn't but I'm learning to accept this reality

[u/Mobile-Plankton-4254 → u/Interesting_Edge_805]

I’ve always felt something was wrong with me. My mom died a few weeks ago now I’m truly alone.

[u/janumet72 → u/Mobile-Plankton-4254]

We can be friends

[u/terriblestrawberries → u/Interesting_Edge_805]

I mean this with tremendous love, but are you sure you're not neurodivergent? Neurodivergence can look very different in women. I was not diagnosed as a child but once I was diagnosed as an adult, it answered so many questions for me about my childhood and how I interact with others. Not being able to easily connect with other women is one of the biggest indicators of neurodivergence I have observed in my own life and among my own ND friends. Once I understood myself and the way my brain worked a bit better, I was able to make and keep good friends and genuine connections.

Sending you love and good wishes. ❤️

[u/ReaditSpecialist → u/daisyXst]

Assuming that this child didn’t open up to the teacher because the teacher is probably bullying her is a HUGE and very unfair leap. I’m sorry that you experienced that in school, truly, but you can’t just instantly villainize the teacher.

[u/Quirky_Movie → u/ReaditSpecialist]

Man, teachers can be the worst bullies and good teachers are honest about it. It's the only way to keep from joining in on the social pressure.

[u/phantheknee → u/daisyXst]

My teenage son is the same rn. He's an only child on my side(his dad had another child with his current wife and they do not get along) but he's also been able to develop his own hobbies, understand that he is not required to grovel for attention and decide when someone is worth his time. However, as his mother, it is hard to witness him not bringing friends home or doing outside of school activities. He has expressed to me that he didn't ever plan on being "that sort of guy" but has also expressed he's ok with who he is and is not interested in pretending to like ppl or be bothered by ppl not including him at school. Being a mother is tough; it's had to navigate what to do that's best for your kid without putting them through hardship or being over bearing 😮‍💨

[u/Key_Cat_2739 → u/daisyXst]

Same. This is the way, OP.

[u/societyisfcked → u/daisyXst]

Literally same I had a teacher named Miss FOX. And she was a bully. I messaged her years later when I found her school email to tell her she’s the worst teacher on earth and that her name was burned into my skull because how mean she was. I had mean kids but she was top tier. Never got an email back sometimes wonder if she even got it. I made sure it was her.

[u/peptodismal13]

Hey I was this kid, it gets better. I also have a late in life ASD, I suspect at least for me this is why I was that kid.

[u/sanedragon → u/peptodismal13]

Yep same. She will eventually find her people. It took me until probably 4th or 5th grade?

[u/unicorntrees → u/sanedragon]

When marching band became available in middle school, I finally found my people.

[u/Ill-Storage-7636 → u/sanedragon]

I am neuro spicy, self-diagnosed, and same. It was a couple years of this. I think it took me a while to figure out what was happening socially and how to behave. Usually, it didn't bother me because I liked playing by myself. But it sounds like OPs kid doesn't like this, so my heart goes out to her and, whatever it is, I hope they figure it out.

[u/The_Demon_of_Spiders → u/sanedragon]

Took me until high school 😭

[u/bunnycrush_ → u/The_Demon_of_Spiders]

It took me until college 💀

But now in my thirties different people keep telling me I’m magnetic so who knows man.

[u/Suspiciouswhaler → u/peptodismal13]

My boy is 6 and finally made a friend. Spent 2 years of school no friends with ASD. It was awful for him

[u/Electronic_Stick_823 → u/peptodismal13]

Came here to say this. There are days it sucked and there were days that the real world could never compete with my imagination. I drove friends away because I couldn't effectively manage my social battery at 5-10 years old. I highly recommend therapy; the little I did get from the counselor at school was life changing. If I had been able to have sessions with a dedicated therapist... I would have been able to learn those coping mechanisms with at least a little less pain.

[u/_maidenpriest139 → u/peptodismal13]

Huge resounding "SAME" from me! I wanted to fit in, I wanted to be accepted. I could always feel that I stood out, that I was never really part of the gang. Looking back on that, it makes me sad. At this very moment I find myself wondering if my preference for solitude is a personality thing, or out of necessity because my peers forced me into that. Yeah, sure, I got to participate in group games at recess, but I know I was only tolerated. I only had one actual, true friend. She arrived halfway through 3rd grade. She is still my best friend at the age of 30. I didn't find more people who were genuine friends until I hit grade 10 and met a bunch of other kids from a different town.

I only found out last year about being autistic. Truly a revelation.

[u/_daysofcandy_ → u/_maidenpriest139]

I haven't been diagnosed with anything but I feel the exact same way as you. I so badly wanted to find my crew and fit in somewhere and it felt like the more I tried the worse it got. I never got to learn the value of standing out and being my own cheerleader and support was something I developed by force. I think it can be a great thing but I don't wish to relieve what it took to learn how. I hope my future daughter has it better, if not I'll help her as best I can.

[u/red_raconteur → u/peptodismal13]

The "weird kid to adult ASD diagnosis" pipeline is REAL, especially for girls whose signs and symptoms were overlooked. 

It took me till my teen years, but I found a group of friends who actually liked me. They have all also been diagnosed in adulthood, to no one's surprise. I also apparently charmed a nerdy boy by reading intently and he's here making me tacos 20 years later so it's not all bad. 

[u/ferngully1114 → u/peptodismal13]

Honestly, this would be enough to request assessment. Social/emotional differences are one of the main diagnostic criteria, and girls are so often missed. I was 43 before I got diagnosed and it explained so much about my life and childhood!

[u/terriblestrawberries → u/ferngully1114]

Helloooo we are the same person! I hope OP sees this and takes her daughter to get evaluated. Depending on where she lives there can be amazing resources, programs, social emotional skills classes, etc.

[u/Cool-catlover2929 → u/peptodismal13]

Why is this so common!!! My experience as well. things were so hard for me my entire childhood & even now as an adult. I never realized I was on the spectrum until my early 30s (basically now) but it all made sense after figuring it out.

[u/MagnumJohnson44 → u/peptodismal13]

This was also me (late diagnoses AuDHD).

[u/my_little_rarity → u/peptodismal13]

Was also this kid and am also autistic.

One thing my mom did was have me join a sport and she was the coach. That was a way I started to make some friends

[u/gatagang7]

Twin day is the worst theme! Same thing happened to me when I was in first grade and I still have vivid memories of being dressed all alone in a sea of matching friends.

[u/Junior_Fig_2274 → u/gatagang7]

I think teachers need to take the lead here when they’re young. Mine is in kinder this year and for “twin day” his teacher sent out a message suggesting it would be a good day to wear their school t shirts they got at the beginning of the year. Every kid already had one they’d gotten for free and it was a good way for lots of kids to feel included. 

[u/DontCryYourExIsUgly → u/Junior_Fig_2274]

My daughter's school had a "Dress Alike" day so that whole groups could participate together. Granted, that probably wouldn't help OP's kid, but it does keep it from being just pairs.

[u/imnotnotcrying → u/DontCryYourExIsUgly]

That could be a good opportunity for teachers to suggest something like “you could match with a friend, or you can match with me that day! I’m going to wear my school t-shirt, a blue jacket, and wear my hair in pig tails/a mohawk/[some other adaptable but unique style]!”

[u/youmustb3jokn → u/gatagang7]

Maybe take her out and play hookey on twin day. Do a cool mommy and daughter primping spa day or adventure day. Movies, art classes, shopping, theme parks, or whatever makes your kid happy. Screw twin day.

Yeah, my kids have all gone through this. My daughter even told me that she talks to herself because some girls in her class told her no one wants to listen to her. My kid is awesome. And it broke my heart. So I get it. Maybe reach out to some mores to set up a play date or if you have friends with kids around the age, set up something. My kid got really into music and started playing guitar and writing songs. Have activities that make her feel special, happy or talented is a big help too. But yeah sometimes the cliques in schools, especially girls, are brutal. Keep teaching her to be strong. And you tell the teacher that you know your kid, you know what she told you and you know she is struggling. Teachers sometimes don’t want problems because it means more work. It’s sad.

[u/Natural-Blackberry26 → u/gatagang7]

Ugh that’s terrible. I’m surprised that they even still do this.

[u/Its_PennyLane → u/Natural-Blackberry26]

Could you reach out to her teacher and ask her to dress up in a specific color shirt or anything like that? And she can twin with her teacher? My daughter‘s teachers have been doing this for a couple years — they’ll send a message to parents letting him know that they’re wearing -a pair of blue jeans with like a green or red shirt with their hair in a ponytail and say if the kids don’t have a twin they can match with their teacher and they make a really cool deal out of it. Last year their teacher actually took a picture with all the kids that dressed like her , encouraging the kids actually do that. I thought that was really cool. So maybe reach out to her teacher and see if she’ll do something like that. My daughter is autistic and I deal with this often especially with her peers, she’s 11 now. She’s starting to realize that she’s different and doesn’t have friends like her other friends do. It’s fxcking HARD. just keep being that positive for her.

Keep teaching her to stand up for herself and speak up for herself even if it’s not easy. Which I know is easier said than done. It sounds like she’s doing great just asking the kids though (coming from a mom whose kid won’t talk to other kids ever lol). I would definitely praise how proud of her I am for that.

[u/Starspangledass → u/Its_PennyLane]

I don’t think ostracized kids want to feel anymore like the teacher’s friend than they already do, unfortunately

[u/scully-summers → u/Starspangledass]

I wouldn’t worry too much about that with a 6 year-old. They usually still think their teachers are cool. Source: My 1st graders used to fight over who got to sit by me at circle

[u/USAF_Retired2017 → u/Its_PennyLane]

I feel you. My sons are 17 and 12 and have autism and they have no friends. It kills me. My oldest is so sweet, my 12yo has an annoying personality (the know it all type), but he’s got such a good heart. I wish it was easier for them. I’m glad your daughter had good teachers who encouraged the kids to twin with the teacher as well. That’s really sweet and thoughtful.

[u/TheWorldofScience → u/USAF_Retired2017]

My teenage nephew has Down Syndrome and has no friends though he is great at indoor soccer - he scores a goal almost every game and often 2 goals. It breaks his mom’s heart because his best friend is actually her dad and he is slowing down as he is in his late 70’s.

It is heartbreaking. I live across the country so I can’t be part of my nephew’s social circle.

[u/QueenInYellowLace → u/gatagang7]

It’s the WORST. I can’t believe they still do that. It’s tailor-made for kids to mistreat each other.

[u/gongjuns → u/gatagang7]

My kids’ teachers always send messages describing what they’ll be wearing in Twin day so that kids can twin with them if they want.

[u/The_Dane_Abides → u/gatagang7]

Right?! I thought we’d progressed past this. Way to make kids feel isolated!

[u/redandbluecandles]

I also delt with a similar bullying type situation in 5th grade. One boy started going to my church, was weirded out that I was there, and told everyone not to be friends with or talk with me because of that. My parents contacted my teacher and my teacher said she wouldn't do anything because she wanted me to handle it. I was being bullied! I was a child! The type of teacher that lets this happen to a child is a sign of a bad school in my opinion. If you can move your daughter to a different school it might be for the best. I also will say that groups like girl scouts really helped me make friends as a kid as well. The group was smaller and everyone was much nicer.

[u/gaelicgirl1983 → u/redandbluecandles]

I was actually thinking about girl scouts too, but I wasn't sure if most people would find that helpful. I'm neurodivergent and found it helpful, but I also grew up in a small town.

[u/llamalover729]

My daughter used one of her stuffed animals for twin day :) just an idea from another mom of a somewhat awkward child.

[u/SkyFullOfWisteria]

That was me as a kid, and my parents never really cared or noticed. Be there for her. I never found 'my people' like others say they did, but hopefully she does.

[u/Junior_Big_1310]

This post hurt my heart. My first memory of school is walking onto the bus for kindergarten and being made fun of.

I would continue to follow up with her teacher. I know that it can take time and resources that you may not have available but is she in any clubs, sports, or after school groups? Perhaps a space where she can connect with kids over a built-in common interest would be helpful in connecting her with others and building confidence.

[u/Brilliant_Internet_4 → u/Junior_Big_1310]

Yup, I agree. Ask if the school has a lunch bunch or mentor program, and ask you daughter if she'd like to join.  It is tough so early in the school year to find your people as a little person.

I had never heard of twin day, what a stupid idea. I have kids who are twins and still think it sounds absolutely ridiculous. 

[u/waywardwyytch]

My son is 6 years old and in Grade 1, he tells me that he has no friends as well. He does have AuDHD. I’ve seen kids try to play with him and he’s very well liked with the older kids in his school, but he likes to play on his own. I’ve witnessed him walk away from other kids, it’s confusing as a parent, but he’s confident and happy. So, I’m paying attention but trying not to force anything on him.

[u/LittleKitten37]

She'll find her person. They always do. I have elementary aged kids and there's always hard moments. And if your kiddo is neurodivergent like others have suggested, the right person will find her. My ADHD kid latched on to her ASD classmate one day and never let go. He doesn't speak much but she speak enough for both of them and loves him immensely. There's someone out there for everyone

[u/element-woman → u/LittleKitten37]

I hope my son finds a friend like your daughter one day! He's not a talker so I think he'd love to have a chatty friend.

[u/woodchuck_2020]

Hang in there! It is so heartbreaking, but when I was going through a similar situation with my child, a friend gave me advice: “don’t prescribe what you might be feeling in that situation to your child’s feelings”. My kid did not have a single friend, not in preschool or elementary school or any sports, until he was around 8. He would barely speak to other kids. Even when he started engaging, it was more like acquaintances. At 9, he finally developed 2 friends and he’s found more since. But generally he is still at his happiest solo in his room… just an introvert. It will sort itself out with time when she’s ready.

[u/Dobgirl → u/woodchuck_2020]

This sounds like my 10 year old. Neighborhood kids would come to play and he would reluctantly play at our house but did not want to play long or go to their homes. He was happier alone or with us.

I worried a lot, until last year! He found his best friend, an equally introverted girl. They speak nonsense to each other and giggle like crazy. They are equally goofy.

[u/Puzzled-Cricket-7130]

My daughter and I twinned on twin day in kindergarten. I took a photo that morning and sent it to her teacher. The teacher showed the class.

It doesn't fix the rest, but for us it was one less wound she has to carry.

Fwiw, my daughter has ADHD so lots of these kinds of moments.

[u/wipedoutmom]

This could absolutely be true, but sometimes kids at that age have one or two bad days, or even just hours, at school and become VERY hyperbolic about their circumstances lol. My son (same age) tells several times a week that nobody plays with him, he has no friends, he’s lonely etc etc. However, every day at drop off and pickup, he’s running around and playing with kids in his class. Even so, I was worried and messaged his teacher who assured me that he’s had no issues making friends.

[u/Icemoyeye → u/wipedoutmom]

I agree with this. Kids are SUPER hyperbolic and also tend to experiment with lying. And people in this thread are telling her to move which feels like overkill at this point (or maybe it’s not, but the details provided aren’t enough to suggest moving with). I’d say let this school year pass before taking any serious measures.

[u/squirrelsquirrel2020 → u/wipedoutmom]

Agree, and also I’ve seen many times “no one would play with me” when what they actually meant was “no one wanted to play the specific game I wanted to play and I didn’t want to play anything else.” Definitely worth keeping an eye on it and checking in with the teacher and maybe setting up some play dates tho!

[u/hannahyolo21 → u/squirrelsquirrel2020]

Seconding this!!! My younger sister would often use this exact phrasing for any mild inconvenience bcz it elicits a reaction, I only noticed it when watching her play at the park!

[u/Adventurous_Ad_6546 → u/squirrelsquirrel2020]

I have a few teacher friends and they’re always saying this. “No one wanted to play with me” often translates to “I demanded kids stop playing four square to play tag with me and I have some strong feelings about it.”

[u/Sharp_Lemon934 → u/squirrelsquirrel2020]

And then they say they are being bullied! I’ve literally watched this play out SOOOO many times. No honey you are not being bullied, you are being rigid and if you want to play you are going to need to be more open to games others want to play. No one wants to be your puppy for an hour that you boss around.

[u/lovelandian → u/wipedoutmom]

I agree with this. I work with children and if they stubbed their toe, they broke their foot. And maybe the teacher sucks, or maybe, she just doesn’t see the child being excluded.

At the end of the day, the teacher can’t make the other kids hang out/be friends with her. She can switch seating, encourage kindness, and whole group play, but kids have minds and wills of their own and if they don’t want to hang out with her for whatever reason, they’re not going to.

Ultimately, I’m sorry your daughter is going through this. She’s still young and hopefully one day her best friend will appear.

[u/Muted_Ambition_2752]

sorry i need someone to explain how the charcoal crust is not burnt

[u/EpicOtterLover → u/Muted_Ambition_2752]

Apparently they just mix charcoal into the dough to make it black, for... some reason.

[u/Local-Career859 → u/EpicOtterLover]

Even if it’s not burnt, I wouldn’t eat it

[u/lowselfesteemx1000]

Do you think she might be some flavor of neurodivergent? I didn't know I had autism until I was 27 but the ostracizing and instant dislike started YOUNG.

Regardless, I'm sorry your daughter is having such a hard time. If you're looking for advice, I can tell you what I wish someone would have done for me: Assure her that it's not some personal failure and it's not her fault the other kids are being mean. Help her find confidence and positives in being alone and explore some solo hobbies. See if there are activities near you where she could meet kids from other schools or even get to know some kids at her school more closely in another setting. Sometimes there are just one or two kids that really lead the effort and the rest just pile on.

[u/No_Jello2358]

Male here. I think that’s what I have to say for my comment to post. But have you thought about sports? Maybe martial arts? I get school is the primary place we make friends but sometimes outside activities work too. You mentioned you divorced, what about her cousins if any ? It sucks to hear this is happening to your baby. I got nieces and nephews and I can’t begin to imagine what I’d feel if they came to me and said that no one wants play w/ them. The world is a shitty place sometimes and it shouldn’t be shitty at such a young age. I hope things work out. 🙏🏽

[u/Human-Warning-1840]

I don’t know about the pizza. Looks burnt to me. I would ask for a meeting at school maybe with your daughter and ask your daughter to be open. The teacher should ensure that your daughter is included, maybe she needs to allocate pairs if there is team work. See how it goes and how the school responds. I’m sorry it must be very hard for you. Kids can be cruel, it’s awful.

[u/One_Access4901]

My daughter moved to a new school and the kids wouldn’t play with her so I encouraged her swinging on the swings and reading a book under a tree. She even bought a deck of cards one day and kids started coming to her curious what she was doing. It eventually fixed itself but took awhile. I always told her she has a right to exist and she can hold her head up high because she is loved.

[u/catkayak]

FWIW, sometimes you get a rotten bunch of kids in school for the year. Which is why it is so so so important to get them involved in things OUTSIDE of school, with other kids. Whatever they are interested in! Art class? Dance? Martial arts? Sports? Whatever it is (within budget) it’s time to widen the net.

I worked in informal education for a long time - think of the places where learning happens outside of school and home time. Like, nature centers, museums, zoos, aquariums, etc. And I saw kids who experience that struggle with peers in school, flourish in these informal education spaces. And I’m sure others who coach youth sports can attest to similar things.

[u/Mermaid-who-bites4]

I was that kid. I think one of the worst things to ask a lonely kid is “did you make friends yet????” My answer was usually no and it made me feel inadequate. Just be there for the 6 year old!

[u/classyfranklin]

If your child’s school has a counselor, please reach out and express your concerns. Many elementary schools have programs like a “lunch bunch” where the counselor will pull a small group of students to eat together and work on friendship skills. Also consider joining activities outside of school like soccer, dance, scouting, art classes, etc. Your child might meet new friends with similar interests and some may even be attending your school.

If you receive no response from a teacher within a week, it’s ok to reach out again. Life happens, emails are missed, and gentle reminders can be helpful. Request a phone call if you feel that would be easier. As long as parents are kind, most teachers really do want to help!

Twin Day isn’t a great Spirit Day. I bet others in the school feel the same! Don’t be afraid to kindly reach out to admin and express concerns about that.

[u/chiliheadsrevolt]

Devils advocate…at 5 you’ve raised her to be strong and outspoken? Is it possible this part of her personality came out in the first couple of weeks and she then unfortunately alienated herself? I think it is crappy that no staff member or teacher has notice her by herself on the playground. I get they are overwhelmed but how does the professional not pick up on that at all. I’m sorry this is what is happening with her. Maybe try an extra curricular that wouldn’t have kids from her class? Try one or two towns over

[u/manchegomonologues → u/chiliheadsrevolt]

yes, get her in some clubs! i can’t believe how many comments are just saying it’s okay for her to not have friends. it’s important for children to socialize, so keep giving her opportunities to do so. a new crowd is a great idea.

[u/hostilecarbonunit]

are you in a neighborhood with a playground? just wondering if you notice if she interacts with kids at all while there. my oldest is ten and was not super interested in playing with others until 7 or 8. also got attention of teachers for having some social skill issues. but she is doing a lot better now navigating friendships, the best ones she has were made outside of school.

i know everything is so fuckin expensive too, but wonder if there is some activity or class you could take her to? once i got my kid in martial arts she really opened up and got more confident. not sure if i caught right that you’re in chicago, i am and could maybe help with some places to check depending on your area? hang in there, i know it’s hard to feel like they are having a rough go with other kids.

[u/astralprojekts]

kids as this age are pretty brutal i learned. push for her teacher to help her feel included in activities if possible and if it's radio silence from the teacher go in and talk to the counselor, admin or whatever. obviously you can't force kids to do certain things but it's part of the teachers duties to foster an inclusive classroom IMHO. also yeah SCREW twin day, it was my most dreaded as a kid and i dread it for my daughter every year as well.

you're doing the best you can and you did her right by teaching her to strong and outspoken. she WILL find her people and have friends. they will find her ❤️ it's so tough to see our babies go through this, harder when they're an only child. just try and keep encouraging her, advocate for her 🫶🏼

[u/Natural-Blackberry26 → u/astralprojekts]

Tysm ❤️ I needed to hear this. I did contact the counselor originally who then cc’d her teacher. I’ll have to follow up if the counselor doesn’t get back to me (it’s been two weeks).

[u/gaelicgirl1983 → u/Natural-Blackberry26]

If it's been two weeks, I think it's time to follow up again. That's way too long.

[u/Specific_Parsley1416]

not trying to be accusatory, but I'm wondering if she has to follow more rules at home than the average kid? as an educator but ive noticed some kids with less friends have a bit more rules at home and have to be more cautious than other kids, who are left to play and socialize. Generally speaking, a lot of my students who have had a harder time socializing come from stricter households, or their parents aren't very sociable or warm (not saying this is you). that being said, the teacher should make an effort to relay what makes her think your child is happy the way she is, ESPECIALLY if ur daughter is telling you she is unhappy with her lack of friends. Bring this up at the parent-teacher conference, or during school hours

[u/Extension_Swimming_9]

As long as she's not being hurt, I'd wait and see if she'll figure something out. Without seeing for yourself, it's hard to say if her "strong and outspoken" is coming off positively or negatively.
Or maybe she can sit with other kids at lunch, be kind, and see if they'll reciprocate? Kindergarten is a weird time where a lot of kids learn how to interact with their peers, what's ok, and what's not ok. From my time in kindergarten, there were cliques, but I'd say there was something for everyone.

Maybe focus on her having a good time learning and participating in school activities.
Also check out the r/kindergarten. There are other parents navigating the same worries :)

[u/gimmehardcandy]

My daughter is a kindergartner too and sometimes tells me friends don't want to play with her at recess. I remind her that sometimes they want to play something else and that's ok. She can play by herself or find a different friend to try to play with. There's lots of other kids on the playground to pick from. I also remind her that sometimes she likes to play by herself and other people may want to as well. Oh, and if someone is being mean to her, she does not need to play with them or be around them.

I had bullies all through grade school and jr high. It got better in 8th grade. I turned out fine. I just find my people or enjoy time alone.

[u/Remote-Structure-961]

Parents need to teach their children social skills as much as any other skills.

It's great that you're teaching her to be strong and outspoken but as you teaching her to get along well with others? To make friends? To be part of a group and not offend other kids? How to compromise and learn to play well with others?

I was a room mom and helped out several days a week at my kid's Kindergarten and I was surprised at how some kids just didn't have any social skills - you know the "I'm just being honest" type. Or they are always want to be it and not the monster because being chased is fun but chasing other kids isn't. Or they want an audience and talk at people.

Yes I know that they could be on the spectrum but at the same time it shouldn't be surprising if kids don't have any friends and are alone if they don't care about their fellow kids having fun or what they feel.

I had some challenges growing up (I was a huge chatterbox) and I make sure I teach my kid that conversation is a two way street and it shouldn't just be her having fun. She needs to look at the face of the other person, see if they are actually interested and check in. Give them chances to join the conversation etc.

[u/Ambitious_Pie9465]

God kids are brutal. Any possibility of switching her to a different school? Do you have neighbors with kids that she could play with after school? Cousins around her age?

[u/Natural-Blackberry26 → u/Ambitious_Pie9465]

I rent so I could move and I am honestly thinking about it. She has a lot of cousins on her dad’s side but doesn’t see them often enough

[u/Mindfullysolo → u/Natural-Blackberry26]

I don’t think moving is the solution. I would talk through it with her, ask her how she feels, what she would like to do about it etc. help her work through this to build her confidence and coping skills. Sometimes as parents we can feel more upset than our child and project those feelings. That said if my daughter told me her solution would be to stay home that day I would 100% support that.

[u/Shaydoh33 → u/Natural-Blackberry26]

This, or, find other places in your community she can build friendships. Sports (soccer, gymnastics, etc), music, activity groups, libraries usually have options, etc. That way she has a friend somewhere to look forward to seeing! It’s important to have a sense of belonging somewhere.

[u/HRHValkyrie → u/Natural-Blackberry26]

Kinder teacher and parent here! Ask to do an observation during recess. Don’t tell her you are coming and watch her from a distance.

Kids at this age are very unreliable narrators. I have parents reach out at the beginning of the year with similar reports about their kids being lonely and 85% of the time it’s not very accurate.

Single moments get stuck in their head so they will report one rejection despite playing with other kids during the day.

Honestly, she sounds very advanced socially if she is approaching other kids for spirit days. That sounds more like 1st grade behavior. Most of my students need everything facilitated by their parents or teachers this early in the year.

[u/Slow-Scientist4316]

Yes, I said the same thing to my daughter’s school about twin day and they dismissed me too. Yet “old people day” was deemed offensive because it was ageist?

[u/Geminigurl]

This was me in kindergarten as well. I was shy but still loved to play and be social. The kids would tell us others not to play with me just because. It sucks. I made friends in some of the extracurriculars I did but never had friends at school until I moved schools in the 5th grade.

[u/Liliya22]

That pizza is burnt!!! Also, I’m sorry about your child. Hang in there, it’s the worst when you can’t help them and gotta let them try and figure it out on their own. You’re doing your best so give yourself grace.

[u/TypicalPlace6490 → u/Liliya22]

No, its "charcoal" i paid extra for that!

[u/Careless_Buyer_7294]

This is the worst feeling! Is it possible to arrange a play date outside of school with someone else who also needs a friend?

[u/Natural-Blackberry26 → u/Careless_Buyer_7294]

We do have a group play date planned for a few weeks from now. Hopefully that helps. I’m an introvert and it’s tough for me to talk with the parents but I’m going to try and plan more playdates for her

[u/Careless_Buyer_7294 → u/Natural-Blackberry26]

Same. I feel your pain. My kids are adults now but I went through this at different points with both of them. Great job for raising a strong girl! She’ll be ok.

[u/red_raconteur → u/Natural-Blackberry26]

I am also an introvert but I've had to force myself to talk to strangers in order to model it for my kids. Sometimes I still feel awkward af and realize too late that I'm being a little weird, but it does get easier with time. 

[u/Stinkycheese8001]

Kids aren’t just “set it and forget it”.  It’s great when kids hit it off and make friends easily at school, but I would guess that only about half-ish are really that way.  You have to help and facilitate it.  Reach out, set up playdates.  Help her make those connections.  Ask the teacher if there’s anyone she’s hit it off with.  And then help her practice her social skills.  You can’t only raise her to speak up for herself, you also have to show her how to meet people, introduce herself, and form relationships.

[u/ErrantTaco]

You’ve gotten some really good advice. I have one idea, something that a few teachers did for one of my kiddos: ask the teacher at the beginning of the year, if there are new kids, to “set her up” by putting them near each other. For my daughter this happened the year she started junior high. The girls she became super good friends with were also quieter/neurodivergent and those teachers hastened their friendships by putting them together for projects. But it can also happen if there’s more than one class per grade.

[u/AromaticAd5872]

Ugh my kids are still toddlers but even just reading your title made my stomach sink. I’m so not ready for this, my heart can’t handle it. I’m so sorry, OP. Hugs to you and your girl

[u/izzrav]

My kid was like this. Now shes in 3rd grade, a little more social. But in kindergarten her school was worried she wasn't making friends, but she kept telling me she was. So I believed her. I picked her up from art club today and she said she made new friends. She also spends at least 1 recess a day with her "favorite tree" per her words lol

[u/oslekgold → u/izzrav]

I too spend time daily with my fave tree ahaha

[u/izzrav → u/oslekgold]

Lmfao shes so real for that, it cracked me up the first time she told me. Sometimes you just need some time with a cool plant

[u/I-luv-sloths]

When I was in kindergarten I apparently cried and told my parents I didn't want to go to school because nobody liked me. The next morning my mother walked me into the classroom and several classmates happily greeted me. Hopefully it's the same situation with your little one.

[u/sierrapanda1]

Hi not sure you will see this but here is what we did.

I didn’t have many friends and felt left out a lot. So, I was determined to help my daughter knowing it might not work out.

1 bribery - not really but kinda. I asked the teacher what could I help with to bring in. So the teacher would say child’s mom or dad donated this to the class. It got some attention to her that was good. Doing that upped how people saw her.

2 Next any friends she made I tried to set up play dates so she knows that in some ways she has friends. Also found out recently that bigger groups of kids attracts more kids. Practicing at random parks helps learn what to do with other kids and if it doesn’t work out you don’t see them again so even if it is hard practice helps.

About twin day maybe twin with the teacher. Kindergarten is young enough that it’s cool!

This is super hard cause you want them to succeed so much. Having a caring parent like you will help her too! Try to make friends with other parents though I know it’s awkward … you got this!! From one caring parent to another good luck!

[u/sierrapanda1 → u/sierrapanda1]

Bracelets are also a cheap way for friendships to improve. Unethical life tip ( but is it really it goes to teachers?) I give my teachers cash and sometimes they help more or are more likely to take me seriously

[u/manicpixie_dreamgal]

The advice on this thread is crrrrrazy. Move?! This is a kindergartener, yall. It’s October, the school year just started. Tenacity is learned through experience and observation. How do you model tenacity for her, particularly in social situations, is what I would advise focusing on.

Take her to the library and strike up a conversation with another parent there where you showcase curiosity and empathy, then reflect back on it with her later in the day. “I love talking to other parents that enjoy reading science books with their kids. It gives me energy to talk to people that like what I like! Sometimes it can be scary to get to know new people, but sometimes it’s very rewarding and you have to keep trying.”

Same thing if you strike up a conversation with a stranger and it falls flat. “The parent I met at the store today didn’t want to talk, and that’s okay.” Etc

[u/TealGloves]

When I was in elementary school I found out two easy secrets to making friends that I still use nearly 30 years later.

1. Food. People naturally feel closer to those who share food with them. As a kid I tried to have candy to offer anyone nearby as often as I could. Being known as the candy kid is a great way to get kids coming over and being interested in being nice to you.

2. Always smile first. People usually smile back automatically when you smile at them. This makes people feel more approachable and comfortable with you as well.

These are the easiest for her age. If she's into drawing at all that can pay off lots of social dividends if encouraged early.

Whenever I was with new kids such as on the bus or when changing classrooms, I also always used to instantly attach myself to the kid who looked the nicest and start being friendly to them. Still friends with many people that I "adopted" this way years later including one from elementary school and one from high school.

[u/Sad_Sector9377]

Twin day is some real jackassery. I’m so sorry. I hope things get better ❤️‍🩹

[u/Divinityemotions]

I feel so sad reading this because I feel for your heart and your little girl. The only think I can take from these kind of posts is that… I have to do my best to teach my little girl to be inclusive and kind and friendly.

[u/wyze-litten]

I'm gonna give some input as I feel I am uniquely qualified to give it. Please for the love of all that is tasty put your kid into SOME sort of outside activity and ask them often if theyre making friends.

I was an extremely social kid until one of my teachers thought it was an excellent idea to isolate me for a full year in 1st grade. My social skills evaporated and I became overly angry at the world while seeing everyone as a threat. My teacher thought it was a great idea to force an undiagnosed ADHD kid to "finish" their classwork during every lunch break and recess. I didn't get to play with my friends or socialize for a full school year and it wasn't until the pattern repeated itself in the next grade level that my parents noticed and did something about it. But by that point the damage was done.

Please understand that having friends is such a critical part of the development of children. I had to re learn how to properly socialize when I hit high-school and even more when I hit college. It's something I seriously struggle with even to this day.

Knowing that your peers don't like you does serious damage to the psyche. You might think its not a big deal because your kid doesn't mention it, but it is. My heart goes out to her, especially as I am also an only child. Growing up I was profoundly lonely and found solace in online life even though I found myself slipping into spaces that were wholly inappropriate for a child.

Don't do what my parents did. They gave up trying to find an activity for me. They got tired of spending money on things that didnt pan out and gave up very quickly and left me to my own devices :(

[u/Latter-Drink3852]

I unfortunately was this kid and it lasted all the way until college because I had lived in the same area up until then. There are two things that actually might have helped that we were unable to do:

1) Sports clubs. If she doesn't have friends, you kind of have to pay for them. Cheer, soccer, flag football, whatever. Honestly, the sport doesn't matter. What matters is that kids naturally bond when spending years on a team together

2) Move. If the other kids are really telling each other that, your daughter has already been made a social pariah despite her being normal. Why? Because kids are mean as fuck and nature needs something to pick on. She's already been branded as that and that branding never really goes away. I apparently had even gotten hot while in late middle school through high school, but I was branded already so I could only really make friends with some of the normal new kids up until I moved out

Also, some unsolicited advice, get her tested for autism. I was a smart kid, talkative, great with adults, "normal seeming," etc. I didn't find out until I was an adult that I was autistic, but it made sense since I always felt different. Thing is, kids can see that shit too and they alienate it

[u/HappyBonsai]

This was my school experience from kindergarten until 7th grade. I'm an only child as well. Kids would make fun of me, exclude me, pretend to include me for giggles just to exclude me again. It was rough, but looking back, what made it less problematic was my parents didn't make it a big deal by confronting the other kids' parents or teachers. They surrendered that this was an unfortunate school experience (while it sucked at the time, it wasn't the worst compared to physical bully abuse/etc because I was fine in the grand scheme of things, nothing that scarred me) and hoped things would get better, all while reminding me my value isn't determined by others and providing me fun hobbies I could enjoy on my own (crafts, drawing, video games, etc).

And, things did get better. A lot. Once I entered 7th grade, for some reason, I finally started making friends. More than I could count! I didn't change my personality (I actually became weirder), it just happened. I think a lot of cliques/social ecosystems at schools are weirdly unexplainable that way. I remember being invited to so many birthday parties/hangouts that, at one point my mom vented to me that she wasn't used to driving/picking me up from so many events it was hard for her to plan around my social life this late in parenthood, ha.

Anyways, I share my experience to reassure you that your kid's social life will improve. Rooting for sooner than later. But, it will.

[u/Brilliant_Pear193]

I work in an afterschool program and have a kid who similarly didn’t play with anyone during recess in 1st grade. Weirdly they played with kids in the park afterschool. As a near adult, my kid thought it was weird that it never occurred to them to play with those kids during recess.
But that’s beside the point. In my anecdotal observations, many kids at 6 don’t know how to make friends or have weird feelings about exclusivity with specific “friends”. Seriously, they don’t know how to share and that extends to friends. Around 3rd grade is when the kids seem to begin figuring out what friendship is.
Twin day sounds awful for this age group. They’re not at an age yet to figure out that more than two people can dress the same or ignore it like a proper middle schooler.

[u/PatioGardener]

The teacher’s response is absolutely not OK. I’m not an educator, but I’ve got lots of family and friends who are. And I can promise you, they notice right away when the other kids are singling out another kid socially. They notice when their students don’t want to work with one certain kid. They notice when their students don’t want to play or eat with one certain kid.

All these commenters are telling you just teach your daughter to be comfortable being alone because they grew up eventually accepting that reality themselves.

Yes, I think you’ll have to teach your daughter that to some degree. But the school is also failing her right now by either pretending this bullying doesn’t exist, or refusing to intercede.

Plus, people are social creatures. We need friends. We need social support. We need camaraderie. That doesn’t have to mean we need an army of friends, but at least one or two.

Reach back out to the school for a more formal parent/teacher conference to discuss this more seriously. Because I have a VERY hard time believing that her teacher hasn’t noticed anything and truly believes your daughter is being treated fairly by her peers socially.

[u/Valuable_Split4184]

This was my oldest kid. They were diagnosed later with ASD. It was heartbreaking watching them struggle with these things in school. I'm sorry.

[u/CakesNGames90]

Former teacher here. I alwaysssssss hated twin day, even as a teacher and student myself. I wish they would get rid of it. It’s up there with “find a partner”. I never did it in my classroom as a requirement. But we as teachers don’t usually get a say in spirit week thenes. I rarely did.

My heart breaks for your 6 year old. But I know she’s awesome! She’ll find her tribe. Just make sure you continue to encourage her and feed positivity into her.

[u/innocentsalad]

Did you ask the teacher who she spends time with in class? Who she likes pairing up with when they do activities? If she spends time with other kids during free time? If the recess monitor or cafeteria monitor has noticed what she gets up to at lunch or recess? If the teacher or another child has witnessed other kids saying to not talk to her?

It's possible that she's telling the truth. It's also possible that your daughter is telling you her truth and it may not be the truth.

You really need to have an actual meeting with the teacher. If all she knows about this is that she asked your daughter once, then she's disturbingly unaware of what's happening in her classroom. But it's also possible that your kid is an age-appropriate fabulist who is unhappy and in a big transition and is telling herself a story that matches her emotions.

[u/Afraid-Ostrich1688]

Sending you and your little girl so much love. Everything will work out in due time. I agree with the others though, push her teacher to intervene and help her navigate this if she sees it happen.

[u/Low-Towel1381]

It breaks my heart because I totally get how much it must hurt. If my kid is unhappy, I’m unhappy. If my kid is happy, I’m happy! I just want you to know there are parents out there who wouldn’t really care, like mine!

Your daughter’s lucky to have a mom who cares so much! I hope as the school year continues, your daughter finds her people! Hugs!

[u/ChelleInSand]

I was this kid, in my 40s now. I’ve slowly accepted that I struggle with making friendships and that it is ok and doesnt mean anything is wrong with me and there is no reason to be sad about it. I have a few close relationships and that is enough for me.

As an adult now I realize I dont really want a bunch of friends, that is too much social pressure. I just want to do what I want to do and if a kindred spirit wants to share in my interests then that is great, but when its doing something just for the sake of going along with the in-group I cant fake it. It doesnt make you a lot of friends but I’m true to myself.

[u/ashaliamaria04]

Omg my son had spirit week last week and they had twin day...they've never done this in the past. But I was thinking how stressful that would be for kids!

[u/jules0413]

This brings me back to twin day when I was in 2nd grade. I was such a mean kid. I’ll never forget saying yes to someone and then never telling her I changed my mind. I dressed up with someone else … and left her on her own. It actually eats me alive still.

[u/Competitive_Coast_22]

I’ve literally drafted VERY similar posts without submitting them, so this post took my breath away. My daughter just started kindergarten & is on the spectrum. From the pickup car line, I witness her at recess every day. It is so fucking hard to watch… 😭 my heart hurts so badly for our daughters and I wish yours could be friends with mine

[u/runningoutoftime67]

I worked at a daycare with an after school program for older kids, lots of 6 year olds specifically and since it's a smaller class size there's more opportunity for teachers to keep an eye on things and make sure everybody is being included. Most kids start shy but after a while come completely out of their shells and are able to make a ton of friends and get socialization everyday. Just an idea ❤️

[u/bentscissors]

Is she neurodivergent? My kid was this kid. We clued in the counselor who started including our kid in peer groups to learn social skills. Then I sought adhd and later autism diagnosis’ for them. They do get the hang of it eventually! Reach out to the school counselor though, ours saved our kiddo. Once those skills were there (also therapy and work at home too, lots of work) they developed friends.

[u/catsnaliens]

My heart hurts for both of you while reading this, but you sound like a very tuned in mom who will make sure to help her. I’m sorry this is happening, and I hope it gets resolved quickly. Lots of great suggestions in the comments so far. I’m also so glad she came to you with this information, you are doing a good job mama 🫶🏻

[u/PM_ME_WEIRD_PETS]

Let me paint a picture for you.

Years ago I had a little girl in my 1st grade class. At school she was a social butterfly and always had plenty of friends to play with. Some kids do struggle with making friends, but this girl did not have that kind of trouble.

A few months in the girl's mother approached me. She said her daughter had told her that she never had any friends to play with at recess. This did not sound like the girl as I knew her, so I asked her if anything had happened at recess. As it turned out, her best friend was out sick for a day and the girl didn't want to play with anyone because her best friend wasn't there, even though multiple kids asked her to play. 

I'm not saying this is the exact case with your daughter, but kids tend to say broad things like "I don't have any friends" when they lack a better way to explain a more nuanced thought like "my friend wasn't at school so I couldn't play with her."

[u/1Happymom]

 I had an extremely high IQ but low social function until I learned to mask successfully..as an only child she hasn't had the opportunity to learn mimicry of how other children behave and if you are any kind of neurodivergent the other chicks will peck the different one to death. It could just be that she behaves more like an adult as shes used to conversing and socializing with one. She desires their company and reaches out so as she has more opportunity to socialize and the other kids mature she will get the hang of it, it might take a grade or two.  Giving her more opportunities to socialize if you have friends with a kid near her age or dance or art classes might help as its for a shorter time and not with kids that have already decided to bully her. If the teacher hasn't gotten the message perhaps reaching out to the guidance counselor might help.  I dont know the answer. But keep letting her vent reminding her shes great, that bullies are typically very insecure and harm the ones they are secretly jealous of. I straight up sent my kid to school and camp with bribes. I told him to make sure to sit near a follower at lunch while mentioning  he had so much ( peanut free) candy he didnt think he could eat it all . To not pass it out to the bully leaders causing problems but to have that first kid call over and happily load up the ones that usually followed the main bully.  Cool inexpensive toys. Whatever the in thing was in. That worked really well by the second month he had headhunted a crew. I cautioned him never use it to be a bully himself.

[u/Sea_Cloud_6705]

You gotta switch her school. This happened to me and It DID NOT GET BETTER. I was seriously emotionally stunted by people refusing to talk to me and had to learn to converse for the first time when I moved to a new middle school.

[u/snarknerd2]

This sounds a lot like my daughter's experience in elementary school. She was pulled from gen ed classes for speech therapy (undiagnosed ASD) and the other kids just never accepted her. After 3rd grade, I pulled her from school and she started an online program at home with me. She's about to graduate, is still undiagnosed ASD but she has self-diagnosed herself. She was super active in an extra-curricular (dance) and she performed lead roles, traveled to summer programs etc and girls in her age group just never accepted her. She is sweet and very funny. It just takes her a long time to warm up to people. I wish ppl would give her a chance.

[u/WaffleConeDrizzle]

Do you think you could observe class for a day and see what is going on? To be fair some people just like being by themselves and that might be your daughter.

Plus - Her life hasnt even started yet she has plenty of time to find people who get her and love her for who she is. Id rather she is outspoken than bullied in silence.

[u/Empty-Let-5366]

Something similar happened to my brother when he was around that age. It was rough for him, too.

So my mom and grandma organized a Halloween party and invited all the kids in his class, and he dressed as the coolest character of the time, Indiana Jones. All the kids loved it, and he had no problems after that! In fact, he had friends :)

It's just about Halloween time - serendipity, perhaps!? Plenty of holidays are coming up, though! Could be the little dose of magic she needs to show her classmates her sparkle ✨

[u/Beneficial_Review_76]

No advice just a virtual hug mom. Parenting is hard and your baby will have great friends one day for sure.

[u/cosettemeetsmarius]

That really sucks… I’m sorry.

[u/graciemose]

I was like this in school too, still am as an adult but better adjusted. I think it’s okay to be like me if you want to be, but if you want to have friends that’s okay too

[u/PoeticallyCorrect44]

Twin day for kindergarten is the worst. Even the most social kids aren’t the best at organizing they don’t get the concept. When my daughter had twin day in kindergarten I just told her to wear whatever she wanted (it was a private school so she was happy to be out of uniform) and not to sweat it.

My daughter is pretty friendly and outgoing and she also struggled in kindergarten. She went to a private school and didn’t know anyone and felt left out at first.

By grade 1 she had made some friends and figured out twin day enough to say so and so is wearing jeans so I’ll wear jeans.

She’s in grade 2 now at a new school and she made new friends easily. She had a new best friend on her first day after so much before school anxiety. And she was the one who wanted to change schools because she didn’t like her private school.

This is my long winded way of saying what others are saying, it will get better! She just needs time to find her people.

[u/Dear_Departure_1768]

My kiddo was the same until about 5th grade when she started a new school and was able to find other kids more like her. She is also an only child raised solely by me and I felt awful for her but always made sure to tell her it was temporary and also that sometimes you have different friends for different purposes. That helped her a lot to be able to find different people to talk to about different topics.

[u/Fae-SailorStupider]

My 12 yr old was like this for a long time, shes in middle school now, is part of various extracurriculars, and she has a whole gaggle of friends she hangs out with in school and outside of school! Some kids just take a little longer to open up socially!

[u/plan_b_ability]

I was content playing on my own for awhile. I think it was second grade or maybe even first when my mom set up a play date. No idea that's what it was at the time. I collected rock and worms and played dolls on own and I think it concerned her. She became one of my best childhood friends. I wouldn't of made the effort as a child, it was nice that adults understood the importance of socializing

[u/notlikethemermaid90]

Oof, this has me tearing up. I was this kid, no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t connect with other kids. it took me until adulthood to appreciate spending time by myself instead of feeling lonely.

[u/princessjamiekay]

Go to school and eat with her. I did this with my son. It really worked. I volunteered at the school and everything got easier for him. Maybe it could work for you too

[u/Ok_Alps4323]

I’d go have lunch with her a few times, and observe for yourself. I’m a teacher, and there are definitely kids who look like they’re doing fine socially, but say something different to their parents. If kids are actively being mean and excluding her, I’d escalate with the teacher. If they aren’t making an effort to make include her, role play her initiating talking or playing with others. I have a friend whose daughter has had social issues all throughout school. She had plenty of kids that liked her and wanted to be her friend, but she consistently wants to hang out with certain popular kids, and only them. It’s also still really early…this might sort itself out with time.  She also might just feel more comfortable if you have lunch with her. 

[u/flattest_pony_ever]

I’d follow up with a request for a meeting with the school counselor.
Many things could be happening at school that you are unaware of because 5 year olds don’t see the big picture. Who knows how and when they asked.

And most schools allow for triplets or quads on twins day.

[u/Emiles23]

Ok I strongly dislike the twin day theme. Like so much so that I might say something to the school about it. That seems like a great way for lots of kids to get their feelings hurt!

[u/Eternal_Tarnation]

Yea I was this kid. A combination of ADHD and a not so happy home life. Given what the teacher said I would talk to her about whether she truly wants to make friends to make sure she is not an introvert or has social anxiety and feels pressured to make friends. If she does want to make friends consider extracurricular activities if you have the resources. Dance, gymnastics, karate or even maybe free activities at a local rec center or park. This would allow you to help with introductions and monitor for bullying as well as give her some confidence finding a hobby that she likes.

[u/I_pinchyou]

My daughter was like this, and now she has found some girls she really gets along with. And she sticks up for any girl they try to exclude, and so far it's been good. Middle school will probably be a whole new bag of bull.

[u/SupposedlySuper]

What are some of her interests? I don't know where you are in Chicago but there are a lot of cool activities & social-y clubs that might be a better outlet for making friends.

I have littles in 1st and & 3rd and it can be really up and down with making friends.

[u/woodspider9]

In the teachers sub they talk about this sometimes. Did you exactly ask the teacher are her peers ignoring and ostracizing her? That no one has been observed playing or eating with her? You may want to check in with the teacher as a more reliable observer. I cant imagine there’s all that much room for this to be hidden from a teacher at that age. Do they go into a cafeteria with other classes or grade levels where there is that much choice about where to sit? It’s not that you don’t believe your child, it’s just they aren’t always the best at giving the objective information.

[u/Maleficent_Scale_296]

My daughter was like this. She was at home until she was four and started kindergarten (we lived in Germany and kindergarten is from 3 to 6 years old). I’d watch her interact with other kids. At home it was her dad, her sister (12 years older) and me. The bottom line was that she was far more mature than the others. I can’t tell you how often I cried.

When she got older things got a little better, she made one friend. They were inseparable. Even after we moved back to the States her friend would visit during the summer. She’s 24 now and they are still dear friends. I think some people make a lot of fast friends, but very few are able to nurture a friendship with lifelong depth.

[u/boatsyyy]

💔💔💔

[u/GoodFish01]

My son was the same until we moved. He lost his best friend in kindergarten and didn't make any new ones 1st grade. He made friends in 5th grade in the new school.

I even had the counselors add him to a weeky boys group to learn to make friends - didn't work.

[u/thenakesingularity10]

I feel sad for her. :*( I wish I could go play with her.