He didn’t do anything for my birthday

[u/shr00mshoe]

Update: I don’t know if I jumped the gun, but it’s still very early in the day and my boyfriend surprised me with breakfast in bed and a cupcake with a little candle, and my favorite sour candies for later. Now I’m feeling like I just messed up my own day by getting in my head and self sabotaging. I essentially ruined a surprise. Feeling like a clown now. 🤡

It’s my birthday today. It’s a random Wednesday. My boyfriend didn’t make any plans. The trucking industry seems to be hanging by a thread so for the longest time he’s been working nights, but inconsistently. He got me some flowers yesterday (left them in a vase uncut with water - why do men think we want to do the work of arranging flowers?), but only after I prompted him to do something for my birthday. He also told me “sorry the flowers weren’t that great” (I’m assuming he went to the 7/11 next door and got it from there, not that I necessarily mind). Why do men say stuff like this? It kind of soured the gesture for me. Am I nuts?

I asked him why he didn’t have anything planned for the day. He said he was going to get me balloons but “the place didn’t have them” (verbatim quote) and he was running late for work. This was his first day going back to work since last Friday… but no planning on his end clearly. He said he’ll take me out to lunch at the end of the week before I hop on a flight for a work trip. So maybe I should be appreciative of that.

At the same time, I feel like he had so much time to figure out how to do something special for me. I’m not asking for diamonds here. But just an intentional gesture to show he cares and is unprompted. And again, I’m disappointed. For reference, for his birthday, I took him to Disneyland and bought him this massively overpriced F1 Lego car.

Just want today to be over.

On a lighter note, dinner is Asian garlic noodles from Cheesecake Factory. I went last night with a friend I just made a few months ago, who was so kind that she even wanted to pay for my meal as a birthday treat. Crazy that I can’t get this energy from a man who supposedly loves me lol.

[u/BeeAccomplished7955]

I'm sorry but I physically cringe when I hear that women stay with men like this. I am guessing this is not the only way he fails you.

[u/Candycanes02 → u/BeeAccomplished7955]

As someone who broke up with a bf over his lack of interest in my birthday (when he complained that I didn’t celebrate his how he wanted), I agree

[u/New-Formal1980 → u/Candycanes02]

Major Yuck!! good riddance!

[u/Iowa_Hawkeyes4516 → u/BeeAccomplished7955]

I literally cringed reading this. My bf and I had been in a relationship for a little over a month and a half when my birthday rolled around. He got me very thoughtful gifts, went to a birthday party my friend hosted, and went to dinner with my family. I just can't understand being with someone who is so disinterested in you.

[u/New_Taste_66 → u/BeeAccomplished7955]

I agree, especially when she put so much work into his special day and he has no plans to return the favor. Grosssss. Girl gtfo

[u/Iowa_Hawkeyes4516 → u/New_Taste_66]

And said to be grateful he's taking her out to lunch. Like what a wild thing to say especially after what she did for him.

[u/BunchitaBonita → u/BeeAccomplished7955]

OMG so true! Go to one of those menopause subs to see women who have been putting up with this crap for literally decades, because they actually married these men. And then 20 years later, they complain about them never making an effort.

[u/suhhhrena]

When random friends you made a few months ago are treating you better than your boyfriend, that should tell you something.

Don’t spend another year in an unhappy situation

[u/Critical-Trainer4729]

It’s my birthday, too! Happy birthday ❤️

[u/Kooky-Forever-1108 → u/Critical-Trainer4729]

Happy birthday to you, OP, and me :D

[u/dandyrosesandshit → u/Kooky-Forever-1108]

Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday! 😅

[u/rickichick]

Ugh, I think I was married to his brother. Run. Now. You will do all the work, get none of the credit, when things go off the rails it’ll be your fault, and he’ll never be able to actually accept and show accountability. You deserve to be able to advocate for yourself, but you also deserve a relationship where you don’t have to.

[u/shr00mshoe → u/rickichick]

Speaking of brothers haha, that’s the part I don’t get!! His brother seems to dote on his wife so much and always put her first and do things for her. He even told me his dad used to have a mariachi band come perform every year on his mom’s birthday. Did I get a defective model or am I the problem? 🫠

[u/spacey_a → u/shr00mshoe]

Absolutely he's the defective model here.

It's not your responsibility to teach him how to be a good partner. He chose not to learn from the many examples he clearly had in his life.

But if you do want to help teach him, the best thing you can do is show him that his lack of effort has consequences.

And the best way to show that is by 1. making birthday plans with others who actually show how they care for you with their actions, not just words (which you already did, great job!!), 2. showing him the same lack of effort for his special days, and better yet, 3. dumping him and finding someone you're compatible with (note: most people are only compatible with people who put effort into showing them they care, go find someone who matches you in this regard!)

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[u/annainpajamas → u/madame-maitre-d]

Can't choose flair for some reason. On an android.

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[u/Sweet_Permission_700 → u/rickichick]

Sister-in-law???

[u/AdDue94]

Everything he does (or doesn't do) he does because 1) he thinks you won't leave him and 2) he doesn't care about you enough to want you to be happy on your bday.

Please have some self worth and leave.  He's not the one.

[u/Odd_Ad_7677]

You simply are not his priority.

Ever since I can remember, I've watched my dad scramble for birthday/mother's day/anniversary gifts last minute for my mom; all half-assed impersonal things, obviously procrastinated. But when it comes to his work, he will go all-out and even do other people's jobs for them. There is literally no excuse for last-minute gifts like this when everyone has smart phones and you can order custom or handmade gifts from anywhere in the world, get flower arrangement delivery, etc... all in a matter of minutes.

[u/goldenhourcat → u/Odd_Ad_7677]

THIS. I’ve had beautiful cakes, flowers, fruits and dinner sent to my girlfriend and her mom 6000 miles away from me for every birthday, special event, holiday etc. It takes me minutes. This guy sucks! 🤡

[u/Sweet_Permission_700 → u/Odd_Ad_7677]

In this day and age, deliveries can be scheduled. Calendars can remind the forgetful. People who care keep notepads on their phones with all the details about the person they love.

If he wanted to, he would.

[u/No_Frosting101]

He doesn't care about you. He doesn't think you're worth any type of effort and that should let you know how he actually feels about you. It's not hard to put effort into a birthday, but it clearly doesn't matter all that much to him. You need to decide if you're okay with being treated like an afterthought, though.

[u/bbitb → u/No_Frosting101]

This and he knows he doesn't have to put in any effort because there's no consequence

[u/strawberrrychapstick → u/No_Frosting101]

Idk peep the edit 😭

[u/womenslasers84]

My ex was like this. I’m happier now.

[u/Zeal_of_Zebras]

You really need to start matching his effort.

(Actually, you should dump him but I know you’re not ready for that yet. So, try an experiment: see how he reacts when you treat him exactly how he treats you. Do not initiate conversations, do not check in on him, do not make plans, do not clean and certainly do not buy him Christmas presents. Say you meant to get him a present but the store didn’t have it.)

[u/cedricdiggory4ever → u/Zeal_of_Zebras]

THIS.

[u/Anonyellow8484]

https://giphy.com/gifs/fRgy7P0wjgEIOkgxAz
You deserve so much better.

[u/Sweet_Deeznuts → u/Anonyellow8484]

I agree

https://giphy.com/gifs/JQicIiIp6SGWt5x7mj

[u/Willow_Winnifred → u/Anonyellow8484]

[u/Life-Fucker-Upper]

Sooo… you just woke up, decided the day was ruined and posted about it BEFORE he actually got you breakfast in bed?

[u/TheGoatAlone]

It's the lack of trying that would really get to me. I don't need the world to revolve around me, i don't need extravagant gifts, nothing over the top - but to at least TRY to make it some what special.. that's all we really want. right? i blame the upbringing for stuff like this. clearly his father wasn't a great role model for how a man should treat his lady, especially on her birthday. while this is the cause, it certainly not an excuse.

Did you tell him all of this? Did you lay it out just like you did in this post? And if you did, what was his response?

[u/Sweet_Permission_700 → u/TheGoatAlone]

Last weekend, a coworker baked me cookies between working 12 hour shifts because they learned it was my half birthday. I'm 41. Made my damn day.

It's the simple things that say someone cares. Don't have to be fancy or expensive. Just that we matter.

[u/TheGoatAlone → u/Sweet_Permission_700]

That is SO sweet and absolutely the shit I do for people.

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[u/shr00mshoe → u/TheGoatAlone]

I did ask him over text if he planned anything and he said he was going to get me balloons and flowers and arrange them on my bed, but he couldn’t get them and had to go to work. I told him I just want to be alone on my birthday and I didn’t want him to come over after work like he usually does, and he said he wanted to come to make me breakfast in bed. But maybe this is just damage control and not his original intention.

He did take me to Home Goods two days before my birthday because I really wanted a Winnie the Pooh mug, and he did buy me that, so I’m wondering is that my gift?? I don’t know. If it is, it’s okay, but I guess I just wanted a little more acknowledgment or planning for the day of. Before I left to have my dinner with my friend, I did ask him if he had anything planned for my birthday and he replied “what do you want to do?” 🤡

So it seems like he was just not planning anything. I’m really trying to understand his mentality. He did take care of cleaning and vacuuming my room and surprising me with that over the weekend since I had said I was stressed about doing that. So I feel bad harping on this but also I feel bad in general. I’ve been dealing with bad depression for months and I’ve told him that so I wish he took a little more time to make today worth looking forward to.

[u/BeeAccomplished7955 → u/shr00mshoe]

Im not blaming him for your depression... but as someone who struggled with depression for years.. it's remarkable what getting out of a bad relationship can do for it. My ex sucked the life out of me.

I'm not trying to come off any type of way, but the things you are describing are things my husband did regularly when we were dating (getting me small things like mugs I wanted and cleaning up for me) and you are accepting it for your birthday...you can do better.

As woman we can provide for ourselves and live pretty happy lives alone. There is no reason to be with a man unless he is actively making your life more enjoyable and easier.

[u/SkinCareJunkie432 → u/BeeAccomplished7955]

This ^

[u/LadyPo → u/shr00mshoe]

The thing is it’s never about the breakfast. It’s never about the mug. It’s never about the flowers.

What you crave on your birthday is genuine appreciation. That is NOT too much to ask for from your partner. But that’s what’s missing here.

You can sense that he is treating your birthday like just a little throwaway obligation. It sounds like there’s no effort or passion behind it. He is simply looking at his options for what would be “good enough.”

When you can tell your partner is phoning it in, it hurts. They are showing how little they care about you when it’s slightly inconvenient for them.

This kind of thing doesn’t change over the years because you would have to beg for him to care. Begging might change the behavior on a surface level, but it can’t inspire the real passion that’s missing. He needs to find that within himself, or if he doesn’t have it in him, you need to move on.

And what happens in the future when something is inconvenient? What if you’re seriously ill someday? Or pregnant? Or going through a major loss? If he doesn’t show up for you in moments like your birthday now, that is evidence. That’s information. Use it!

Please don’t spend every birthday feeling disappointed.

[u/Matchafrappe6 → u/shr00mshoe]

Ok that’s a lot of words but none really about what you are going to do about this. Do you not read between the lines and see he doesn’t care enough about you? You deserve better, don’t you? Or will you just accept it and move on and hope next birthday will be better?

Life is short, some might not have many birthdays left. Are you going to let him keep ruining your birthday and your life? 

[u/bigmommymilkerss → u/Matchafrappe6]

Holy shit wait ur right..https://giphy.com/gifs/UvtKiyeWYEhRC

[u/Ok-Willow-9145 → u/shr00mshoe]

I’d be bummed out too if he could think of all these little things that don’t take much time or money as damage control.

He didn’t care enough about your birthday to focus on you for an hour or two. He swung in to action to prevent any disruption in the conveniences and value you add to his life.

I know you’re hurt about this specific instance, but I encourage you to break out your journal and examine the relationship as a whole.

Do you feel valued, respected, and supported? Was this a one time aberration or is there a pattern of neglect when it comes to you and your wants and needs?

If this was his norm when it comes to you it’s may be time to end this relationship. Don’t worry about being single. You’d probably be happier once you got over the breakup.

Using your birthday as an example, you would have had a better birthday if he wasn’t in your life because you would have made plans to celebrate your birthday instead of waiting on him.

[u/TheGoatAlone → u/shr00mshoe]

May I ask how old you two are? It sounds like he's pretty young and immature. A man doesn't ask what you want to do, he makes plans and tells you how to dress for said plans.

I don't think you expect too much, personally. I just think maybe you two aren't compatible.

[u/Acceptable-Weird-575]

Happy birthday! You deserve to be loved and cherished. Go out on your day and make the best of it. If he doesn’t find your birthday important it is a big indicator that he doesn’t find you or the future you guys will have together. Do you want your future to look like that? Leave on your own terms when ready 🫂

[u/Separate-Raccoon8584]

I'm confused by the edit, did you make a post saying he did nothing for your birthday when it was morning and you were still in bed?

[u/George_Is_Upset]

I’m so sorry! You are totally right to feel hurt by this. All it takes to make you feel special is doing something.

A heartfelt card, even making you a nice dinner, and getting a small cake so you can blow out candles would’ve been 10000x better than getting you flowers after you say something to him.

[u/filmcrit]

"Crazy that I can't get this energy from a man who supposedly loves me." You're so close to the key to unlocking your own happiness. I truly hope that you choose yourself and treat yourself the way you'd want a man to treat you. Sometimes it's beneficial to ask why we think we deserve men who treat us like we're afterthoughts. Even a stranger offered to treat you to dinner, and he couldn't even get a card and write you a heartfelt birthday message and attach it to a tin of cookies or whatever? I hope your birthday present to yourself is realizing that it doesn't have to be like this. Happy birthday 🎂🎈🫶🏾

[u/No-Holiday6900]

He had a whole ass year to prepare. Just let that sink in.

[u/AlbertPiggy]

guys always say things to feel like less of a loser than they actually are. by saying it, they believe that it makes them a good person because at least the thought crossed their mind. but they never follow through, and they never have to confront the fact that they are simply a loser just like the rest of the men they feel like they are so different from.

[u/Mistress_Mabel_]

You took him to Disneyland and he did NOTHING for you.

[u/dandyrosesandshit → u/Mistress_Mabel_]

Right?! That’s mind-blowing to me. This boy is going to suck the life out of her if she stays with him, because she will always be pouring into him, while he’s only giving her droplets

[u/Advanced-Lethargy]

My now ex-husband never ever did anything special for me for my birthday.. Not once. He slept through two of the birthday dinners my mom did for me, once bought me a flashlight from the dollar store. Divorcing him took me far too long.

Your guy had time, and he chose not to plan anything. If he wanted to, he would. Leave him and find someone that would trip over themselves to make you feel special and loved. You'll be happier.

[u/NoRaise4998]

Happy birthday queen!!! 🫂🩷🩷

[u/Kooky-Forever-1108]

Happy birthday birthday twin, I hope the rest of today goes better for you 🥺♥️

[u/Weekly-Virus1431 → u/Kooky-Forever-1108]

Happy Birthday!

[u/ExtensionNet855]

If he wanted, he would. I know this sounds cliche, but it’s very true. If a man truly loves his woman, he would do something special for her without making it seem like a chore. I’m sorry, but it just feels like he’s making celebrating your birthday like running an errand.

Granted people get busy and it’s difficult to keep with each other’s schedules but it’s a birthday celebration. He was well aware of the date beforehand, he could have better prepared for it if he wanted to. And the busy thing is just overplayed, my partner and I are super busy with our own work, with me running a business. But we always set aside a day of the week to spend time with each other.

[u/Savage_Girl69]

You just want a gesture that he cares but you're unable to comprehend that he isn't giving you that gesture because he doesn't care.

You should think less of people who treat you like shit.

What would lead you to treat a boyfriend like this? If you didn't like him, value him, care about him? Exactly.

[u/Intelligent_rose12]

OP why are you with him? I guarantee you would be better off single. Also why did you do so much for his last birthday? You should give him the same level of effort he gives you!

[u/OrchidFine1335]

For my colleague’s birthday, I made a painting of her dog in advance two weeks before her birthday because that’s how much I appreciate her for being my work bestie even though we barely hang out outside work

And that’s how your bf treats you even though he had a lot of time before his work starts. This is frustrating and you deserve better

[u/Xanadu_SPCA]

He's a boyfriend, not a husband. You can dump him in one minute.

[u/ennuiandapathy]

If he wanted to, he would.

That phrase covers so much of the lack of effort by men.

If he wanted to plan something for your birthday, he would've.

If he wanted to get you nice flowers, he would've.*

Having to ask someone to care about you isn't love.

*I also share your feelings about flowers. I think many men see giving flowers as an easy solution to a number of things, while we see it for what it really is - low effort.

[u/enterhereplease]

you took him to disney and got an expensive gift…????????? and he got you uncut flowers from 7/11……. i’m literally grossed out by him. you should be too. eww

[u/New_Taste_66 → u/enterhereplease]

https://giphy.com/gifs/l1CCdDQQYjx2EPfGM

[u/PresentHouse9774]

I'm sorry OP, that sucks.

Consider that you're getting a preview of what your life would be like if you married this man. Last minute, bare minimum gas station flowers. Ok 7/11 in your case, but there's a song about gas station flowers being better than being alone. Horrible message (as I think it's meant to be) and I hope that's not you.

[u/RitneySpirs]

Is he really worth it? Do you want your future to look like that? putting up with his lack of effort/care? Really. There are so many people out there who could be right for you and treat you better, you deserve to love and be loved with the same energy. Some relationships are not meant to last but to teach us about ourselves and what we actually want and dont want from a partner, you get the idea. At the end actions or the lack of speak louder!

[u/Big-History-8457]

I honestly feel that a lot of men don't actually like women. They just want a warm body for sex. It's unfortunate. This man is not emotionally healthy and I would strongly advise you to reconsider what you actually get out of the relationship. Hugs, friend ❤️

[u/FryOneFatManic]

Happy birthday from someone else who shares your birthday 🎂

I left my abusive ex after 30 years. As well as the abuse, he routinely failed to even get a card for me and acted like he expected a medal when he actually did get something.

All while expecting me to get him expensive stuff.

One of so many reasons to leave.

There's no excuse in these days of mobile phones. He can set reminders. He can order something online. And so on.

He doesn't care about you, just what you do for him. There are better men out there.

[u/Lychanthropejumprope]

I can’t stand the “I was going to.” Lots of other places have balloons and even Walmart has birthday cakes. He didn’t want to because he didn’t care enough

[u/blithebambii]

You should require more love from the people you give your love to. There’s little chance he is an otherwise remarkable partner but somehow completely dropped the ball in showing you even an iota of care on your birthday such that you now wish the day was over. Perhaps you should instead wish the relationship was over and take steps towards that result.

Happy birthday! Hope next year isn’t like today in this respect. ❤️

[u/Nadja-19]

Happy Birthday! Give yourself the gift of dumping this burden of a man. You’re putting in a lot of effort and made his birthday special but he couldn’t be bothered to plan anything for you. Then did some half ass gesture with flowers and promises of lunch to be had at a later date. I’m guessing you always do the heavy lifting when it comes to the relationship. Is this how you want to live your life? You deserve better.

[u/SirGavBelcher]

i think you both have different love languages and priorities and it's okay to discuss those things so you can both see where you're both coming from. open communication is key and if you want grandiose gestures let it be fully openly known

I think society really warps people's perspectives on what should and shouldn't happen in relationships so people walk around assuming things about their partners or about the way their partners should behave without communicating it. it's never bad to overcommunicate. everyone in general should be communicating more openly about their wants and needs, even if it's just "i would like to be treated x y z for my birthday" "i would like to expect a b c on my birthday". nobody is a mind reader and sometimes people don't really care to celebrate their own birthdays so they might not know that it's super super important for someone unless they communicate it.

this is not a dumpable offense on its own unless you've already had those conversations and this is a pattern.

[u/rose442 → u/SirGavBelcher]

I agree. If you want something special to happen for your birthday, you need to be very clear about what you want. My husband was a sweetie, but he sucked at birthdays so we planned together.

[u/SirGavBelcher → u/rose442]

people have a very warped version of romance that's like "only if he buys you the most expensive gift and rents out a restaurant and takes you to Paris he loves you otherwise he's a bum" when tbh men are really really awful at emotional intelligence and expressing their own wants and needs let alone a partners if you don't communicate it.

it's not cringe or robotic to talk about your mutual wants and needs, even in sex. stop expecting people in general to just guess or know or "common sense" the way you navigate through life and learn to use your human given communication skills and vocabulary to make sure people show up for you in the ways you want them to.

(i go to therapy every single week so i know where I'm coming from and often I want the women on this subreddit to be more healed)

[u/rose442 → u/SirGavBelcher]

I’m just kinda shocked how many people are saying DUMP!!! I mean he got 7-11 flowers, he didn’t commit a felony.

[u/SirGavBelcher → u/rose442]

welcome to the internet. next they're going to tell her to decenter romance altogether. meanwhile my therapist saus that's a toxic mindset when i talk about this subreddit (which i do often)

[u/Educational_Fruit337]

And why not mind the seven eleven flowers? He said it himself - “SORRY they’re not that great”. So he’s admitting himself you deserve better.

[u/QuickSloth4710]

He gave you a low effort gift that he knew sucked after you took him to Disney?? Boy, bye. And you are not nuts. Flowers are flowers, imo, and not overpaying for them is smart, BUT, the comment makes it clear that he personally thought they were a bad gift and gave them to you anyway.

[u/Admirable-Ad7152]

My man was doing amazon delivery nightmare shifts on our anniversary. When I picked him up that night from work, he had flowers, candy, and a card that he had written in, some picked up earlier in the week and kept in his locker while he got the flowers on his way back to the warehouse at the end of his shift.

If he wanted to, he would.

[u/jojopriceless]

So many women stay in relationships like this trying to understand why he acts that way. The bottom line is it doesn't matter why and the idea that you can't end a relationship or have "closure" until you've solved the deep mystery that is his not giving a fuck is a terrible thing to let stand in the way of your happiness. People think if they can understand the cause, they can control the effect. That may be true for leaky faucets and dying houseplants, but trying to "figure out" a guy so you can build him into the perfect partner is not only exhausting and futile, it's a subtle form of manipulation and control and we don't talk about it enough. He is the person he chooses to be, living the life he chooses to live and you could be too. A better question to ask is "Why am I so attached to a sentient bump on a log?" If he truly doesn't have time for a relationship, then stop trying to be in a relationship with him and find someone who does have time. Life really can be that simple.

[u/Any59oh]

If your sister or best friend was talking to you about her man and telling you about how he didn't do anything her birthday, had to be badgered to get flowers then put them uncut in an empty vase (which is an intentional act of disrespect, he knows they should at least go in water), and was talking about how "I should be appreciative" that he'll maybe take her to a rushed lunch before she leaves for a trip, what would you be telling her? All of this in a tone that implies this isn't some sort of one off but instead is the baseline of the relationship? Because I know it would not be "omg girlie your man is the best, he loves you so much, such a keeper!"

Do yourself the favor, don't give him a chance to ruin your next birthday (or any other holiday this year)

[u/mysmallself]

Firstly, happy birthday! Secondly, don’t put up with that. No. Just no. Even if he may say “birthdays aren’t a big deal to me”, good for him, don’t care. They’re a big deal for yo, so for your birthday it should be a big deal to him. If this is your line in the sand to end it, so be it.

[u/LividBass1005]

My best friend took me out for my birthday. It was after the fact bcuz he knew I had plans with my child but he wouldn’t let up until he was able to take me somewhere. He planned a day of us just doing the things we both enjoyed. He’s gay so there’s not some secret romantic feelings involved and I adore his boyfriend. But his doing that changed something in my mind. I would always give men I dated the benefit of the doubt like a fool I was just so I wouldn’t feel let down. Now I’m like fuck all that. If I can put the effort so can they. Someone that doesn’t even want me romantically can be considerate but the person I’m lying with can’t. Fuck him (not literally) and his excuses. My foolish self got to the point of not even being upset when they flat out forgot my birthday. I returned the same energy and stopped remembering their birthday but still I was dumb

[u/Big_Code_7838]

Every time I see posts like this I can't help but wonder why anyone puts up with these men. Is this how you imagined the rest of your life with your partner being? Is this all you see for yourself? Is this all you think you deserve?

[u/Candycanes02]

My ex couldn’t even memorize when my birthday was, and I’m thinking yours probably also forgot about yours. I broke up over it cause it was the last piece of evidence I needed to prove he didn’t give two shits about me. I hope you also reflect whether this is your case, and break up if need be

[u/Background-Note-8126 → u/Candycanes02]

My ex had an excuse for not seeing me on my birthday every year. For. 6. Years.

God I was stupid!

[u/Zealousideal_Tea5988]

My boyfriend views birthdays as just another day, even his own. He doesnt do gifts or flowers etc. He told me this when we were on the talking stage so I cant get too upset that I deal with it, because I knew. My ex hubs did his best every year to destroy my birthday, so I am beyond content to get grandbaby video calls on my birthday...and I buy myself something special. My boyfriend's love language are acts of care and I love that more.

[u/StardustStuffing]

I'd assume any special occasion day will be similarly no-effort. Christmas, V-day, anniversary, etc will likewise be terrible.

He does this because he knows you'll accept it. When people show you who they are, believe them. Never date for potential.

[u/Wrong-Landscape4836]

For my 15th wedding anniversary I asked only for flowers. He immediately started bitching about not having the money. I was the only one working so essentially I was asking him to spend my money. We did not make it to 16.

[u/lollipopfiend123]

Let me tell you about my best friend, a man who has zero interest in sleeping with me (no, really, I’ve tried lol). Every year for my birthday and Christmas he has gotten me a thoughtful gift. Most years he takes me to dinner on my bday as well - this year he didn’t, but we spent the day together so I understood that he needed to get some work done that evening. (And he had a contingency plan for that day in case it rained, which I hadn’t even considered.) I don’t have to ask him to do this - he just does because he cares about me. Please want better for yourself than someone who can’t be bothered to plan ahead to show you that you matter to him.

[u/Ma_Ma_Ma_My_Sharona]

„Just want today to be over.“
He made you feel this way. Do you want more birthdays to feel the same?!

[u/Double_Flower3855]

https://giphy.com/gifs/8BNQlEqOLi50OaOrPb

Sorry your bday sucked diva. Dinner looked legit.

[u/OrangePuzzleheaded20]

Is for the rest of your life. Yes or no?

[u/Much_Substance_6017]

You are entitled to be disappointed. You deserve better! Please go find it! Also, Happy Birthday 🎂 Treat yourself to something nice 🎁 ❤️

[u/kronicno_tele]

Happy birthday! 🩷

https://giphy.com/gifs/JQicIiIp6SGWt5x7mj

[u/oddlookinginsect2]

Keep the friend, lose the man. He's had plenty of time to plan something for you, but didn't care enough to do so.

[u/Only_Music_2640]

I spent far too many years living with a man who never celebrated my birthday but expected to be treated like royalty on his. (And my birthday was honestly the least of it….) Don’t be like me. Know your worth and don’t tolerate or excuse his disrespect and poor treatment.

[u/Upset-Actuator7549]

How long have you been dating? I'm not saying dump him, but this would be a good time to take stock of the relationship and whether it is serving you. That kind of imbalance in care and attention is corrosive over time to your spirit and your self-esteem. You deserve better and should ask for it or GTFO.

Your meal looks gorgeous and kudos to your sweet friend who took you out and spoiled on you a little.

[u/shr00mshoe → u/Upset-Actuator7549]

We’ve been together for 4 years, and maybe it’s a money thing, but after year 1, I am realizing I have had to confront him about my birthday being an afterthought. Even if someone ends up doing something for you after the confrontation, it doesn’t feel nice to know that you essentially had to force them to do it

[u/MaybeLithiumFlower]

I feel like birthdays deserve effort and he should have done something. I can appreciate he might not know when he's working but he certainly knows when he's not currently working.

I can't imagine not putting in effort for my girlfriend, it's one of the ways I let her know I care.

[u/AliensAbductMePlz]

If he wanted to, he would.

[u/SomewhatBougieAuntie]

Im sorry OP. Your boyfriend sucks.

Celebrate YOU today! Do something special for yourself by yourself. Because you deserve it.

Tomorrow, do a list of the pros and cons of your relationship. Then take time in the next few days to examine the list and determine if the relationship is serving you and if it makes sense to remain in it. Then decide and act accordingly.

Meanwhile,

https://giphy.com/gifs/TbyAOtYa4ywrSpvjtm

[u/Cultural_Thing1712]

"Why do men do this? Why do men do that"

The real question here is why does YOUR man do that? The answer is because you'll stay. Sorry for being blunt but sometimes it needs to be said like that. Sending hugs.

[u/oregonbunny]

As someone who had a bf who didn't do anything, I communicated and he stepped up.

For 20 years he stepped up.

The last couple of years it's been less than ideal.

I left the flowers exactly how they were presented to me so hubby can see how ridiculous just sticking them in water is. He mentioned it a few days later if I was going to arrange them and I said no, he presented them to me that way so he must like them that way.

This year him and my children did nothing for my birthday.

I lost my mind and saw red.

I still haven't forgiven everyone because it's not like they came together to do something after I communicated how upset I was.

I planned everything for the kids birthdays two weeks before mine and my husband's is a week after mine, he got nothing because I was so mad. Hubby is supposed to be giving kids examples on how to be a good spouse.

Ugh, anyway. With that said. What upset me the most was that -

If they wanted to do something, they would have.

Just for the fact that if you care for someone you want to show them and you want them to feel loved and special. They didn't want to show up for me.

And now I'm trying to live in a family unit where I now feel unloved, disrespected and have zero pleasure in doing things to make any of them happy. I think back to all the times where I bushed stuff off and over analyze everything now. And I realized that hubby has always put work first. Not the life I thought I signed up for.

I guess this is just a cautionary tale.

[u/Kimbaaaaly]

He gives me the ick.

Updateme

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[u/Fluid-Housing5017]

Why do y’all stay with losers like this? You’re the author of your own misery

[u/ScorpioBitch25]

Does he understand your expectations of what you want for your birthday? If he doesn’t it’s hard to blame him. We can’t expect them to read minds. I understand that we shouldn’t have to beg or remind them but unless you really know them or been with them for years and years and you already know your partner’s expectations for birthday celebrations, he can’t be expected to just know what you want. Also have to be understanding when work gets in the way especially when it’s not stable. Your feelings are totally valid but you also have to understand his side of it. Last year I expected dinner and movie and cuddles (I’m super introverted) and my bf (of 14 years, we’ve been thru it all) surprised me with a gift basket with so many cool things I had pointed out in the past month that I liked or themed what I like (nightmare before Christmas stuff, witchy things etc) and I could not stop crying. He does tend to do that because he KNOWS I like surprises like that. It’s about communication

[u/miss-modern-medusa]

My bday was sept 19. He got me a stained shirt from value village that was on clearance and then fixed his sisters car. No dinner, no card. We do not live togther and I oat everything despite being on EI. Groceries and then I cook them.

His bday - upcoming - November. Ive been planning it since late july. Gifts, wrapping paper with car stuff on it, planning dinner and putting money aside.

He isn't poor. He isn't hard done by and any time I plan groceries with him he says its hard because of his budget. But the budget doesn't apply to takeout for himself, or friends etc.

He recently told me he parents don't know we are back together. Since june. He used to break up with me for a week or two and then come back.

To be fair, I flipped out on him the night before my bday because I was so pissed - mostly at myself - that I put so much effort, love, though, money, atrention and consideration into this relationship and get nothing back. A stained shirt from value village. You gotta be fckn kidding me. (I love thrifting. Thats not the point. I ONLY bought him new things as a gift.) I also buy his work treats and pizza and crap.

I am pulling the reins. I will cookijg and grocery buying for myself only. Christmas will be not full of gifts. I cannot belive how horribly he treated my bday.

His family is rude as well. He told me to just deal with his sisters snotty attitude and to "be resilient" towards his parents ignoring me.

[u/Nice_Equipment_2913]

That sucks. To play the devils advocate though: Part of dating is learning about each other, learning to support each other and working through the good times and the bad. He might be broke (or afraid he is going to be), worried, ashamed and has no experience with having a good time without money. Also, how can he top Disneyland and expensive gift as these seem to be things you value. He might not realize that you would be happy with extra time together or a walk in the park or what ever it is you enjoy. You will not get to know this person without finding out the real reasons for his apparent ambivalence. He won’t want to be vulnerable and fess up. But if after several tries, (maybe a story of why birthdays are so important to you )and he sticks with “your to sensitive” or “whats the big deal” or “it’s not important” or “your so critical of me” then I agree with everyone else and move on.

[u/DevilsPumpkinPiety]

Op needs to grow up. It’s a birthday. Once you leave childhood it’s just another day. Move on with life.

[u/OkRutabagaOk]

💔

[u/kittycat8204]

Dump his ass! Absolutely terrible!

[u/OrdinaryImportance94]

I hope you put the same energy into his birthday as he does in yours.

[u/gurlwithdragontat2]

I’m sorry about your birthday. I don’t really know what to say outside of that in these situations, especially if you’re going to stay or qualify it ultimately. We accept the love we think we deserve.

On an actual lighter note: is it bad that, before I even started reading the text, I knew this was Cheesecake Factory? I need to cook more lol.

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[u/OneDig3744]

Is it out of character for him to forget? Or are you expecting something that has never happened? Some men just can’t plan things. Still, I know it sucks to be forgotten like that. He doesn’t sound too smooth. Happy Birthday anyway. I hope you did something nice for yourself.

[u/julesk]

I’d look at the whole relationship. If he’s generally like this, I’d end the relationship. If he’s awesome usually but not great at birthdays or stressed by work then tell him it really matters to you and you know if he chose to, he could make a plan and find a way to celebrate that doesn’t need to be expensive.

[u/dandyrosesandshit]

Happy birthday! I’m sorry it’s so early in the day and you’re already disappointed with your birthday. That would get to me, too.

Men can mostly suck. Without having much more background on him, I’d tell him how you feel hurt that he didn’t try to do more for you. It’s sad, but sometimes even the good ones need guidance on this. If he’s a good one otherwise, I’d talk to him about it. With that said, the fact that he barely did the bare minimum of putting sooome sort of effort in, it tells me that he’s probably like this in many other ways. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate the relationship and what you’re getting out of it. If he’s getting more out of it than you are, and he puts minimal effort into everything, you probably would be happier with someone else, who pours into you the same way you pour into them.

Happy birthday! I hope your day gets better and you get the love you deserve from others in your life!

[u/Accomplished_Cell976]

If he cared, he would have done something. If you had self respect, you’d quit making excuses for his bullshit and leave him.

It’s rough to hear but it’s the reality of the situation.

[u/BigHatSmallDog]

You took this man to Disneyland for his birthday. And for your birthday, he gave you the bare minimum and excuses. How trifling.

[u/WorldlinessLow8824]

Sweetie you’re a placeholder- he’s just not into you. Get out, work on your own mental health, take care of yourself.

[u/bigmommymilkerss]

exactlyyyyyy. We been together 2 years and my bf didn’t do a damn thing for my 20th birthday. NOTHING. He wasn’t even the first one to tell me happy birthday, my friend was. He can spend money on anything and everyone else (which like you said, it’s not about the money) but was clueless when it came to me. Ended up giving me his ipad to “make up for it” 🥲

[u/optix_clear]

Match energy when it’s his bday or anniversary and holidays coming up. Buy some gifts at increments let’s see how this goes.

[u/Kimbaaaaly]

Anna I love The Cheesecake Factory. Your meal looks really yummy. I haven't been there in years.... I either get the Tai peanut noodles (I don't think that's the exact name) or mushroom Marsala (usually no chicken). Two favorite cheesecakes? Tiramisu and Red Velvet!

[u/Important_Wind_4444]

I would love to tell you what a jerk, but I can’t.
The flowers might have been part of the birthday idea. You mentioned he has been working night due to a lack of work in the trucking industry. You also said the first day back to work in a few days. You’re also putting a price amount on what you gave him for his birthday, which was your choice.
I doubt he asked you to spend a huge amount on him for his birthday. I am sure you’re a very generous person, but that’s a stressor for a guy trying to stay working. Seems to me he can’t afford to do something super elaborate with his work situation and just paying his basic bills most likely eats up his check, not to mention the stress of not getting the work he use to get, not to mention him knowing he cannot begin to come close to the gifts you gave him.
Is it possible he is avoiding your birthday because he might be feeling less of a person who can’t provide what he would like to? I read a few things you wrote that would be stressful for most people at this present economy. Is he always like this or has his financial situation made it hard to compete with yours? Just the way I read your concerns. Yes it sucks you’re not getting what you want for your birthday, try to be happy and enjoy your day.. Happy Birthday 🎈🎁

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[u/ovasyliuk]

First, Happy Birthday Love!🫶🏻 Second, I’m sorry it happened. Treat yourself, it’s your day. It sucks that he doesn’t care:(

[u/Potential_Drive7999]

OK, I'm a lot older than you, but I learned a long time ago not to count on a man to make me happy for my birthday.

I think when you're younger, you really want someone to wow you, but you know what? Sometimes when someone love bombs you it's not a good thing. Sometimes a Love bomber is manipulative and turns the love bombing on and off at their desire

So figure out what you need for your own birthday and do it for yourself. Do you need flowers? Buy them for yourself do you want jewelry? Start socking money away so you can buy jewelry for yourself.

Then, tap into what he's going through. It sounds like his industry is rocky, and maybe he's worried about not having money at some point, that doesn't excuse him for not being sensitive to your birthday, but it can take the sting out towards him, not being the kind of guy who's going to do something for you

By the way, I have fabulous diamond earrings (thank you Lord and Taylor going out of business sale and the fabulous jewelry discounts that day ), some fabulous jewelry, and guess what? I saved up and bought them for myself because I knew my husband wouldn't. He's more the kind of guy who would buy me a computer or an antique that he wants.

Took me years to figure it out, but he's a good guy in all other ways so it wasn't worth bumming out about

[u/missjulie622]

I’m so sorry, happy belated birthday! I hope you give equal thought & care to his next birthday, if he’s still your bf by then 😉

[u/Cassandrasfuture]

Leave him

[u/BeneficialStation658]

It’s my birthday too. I couple years ago I started to take charge of my birthday. I’m at the spa right now - you should be too. Happy birthday!

[u/bespindeathspin]

My birthday gift this year was to go to a concert. When the day came I found out my SO did not arrange childcare. I didn’t get to go, not even alone 🙁

[u/Initial-Sun-7680]

Men don’t say stuff like this. Overgrown boy/manchildren do. This is not what love looks or feels like.

I’m so sorry and I wish you a belated happy birthday.

[u/eldrowoski]

This might be a cultural difference, but I don’t unterstand why one world expect another person to organise something for one’s own birthday. My birthday, my plans. Somebody else’s birthday, their plans

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[u/DevilsPumpkinPiety → u/eldrowoski]

I don’t think it’s cultural. I’m with you. It’s….a birthday. It’s honestly so cringy when adults still make a big deal about a birthday. OP - you asked for flowers, you got them. Honestly who cares if they weren’t arranged in a vase. His job saw and uptick and work took priority (as it should after the dry spell you described) AND he said he would take you out later in the week. So I’m really not understanding what the issue is here. You asked for shit and he listened.

[u/MewrderMittens]

I’m came right in time to see the update, I’m glad he had something up his sleeve for the occasion, Happy Birthday by the way.

The gesture of a breakfast in bed is very sweet, but when it comes to preparation, it doesn’t usually take up as much energy as a trip to Disneyland (unless the breakfast is artisan pastries ordered like a month in advance or something)

I’m getting off track, the point is that it’s a real downer when you are expending more energy in a relationship than your partner. Fortunately, your partner seems invested in the relationship, it’s just that his gestures are more low key. I’d suggest trying to match some of his energy. If he’s a reasonable guy, I think he would have been very happy to have breakfast in bed or a little planned picnic. These are all wonderful gestures that most people would appreciate for their birthday.

Unless the guy gets all mad about it, then the guy is the problem.

[u/Tall-Compote1354]

Do some things for yourself and consider dumping him.

[u/OrilliaBridge]

I’m a dinosaur. I look back and realize that we women have very different expectations for special occasions than most men. Think about who does the planning, decorating and communication? We need to realize that if these things were important to men they would be more involved. But I think about the pressure they deal with about gifts, cards, flowers, parties, etc. and frankly, I don’t want to make a big deal of them anymore, either.