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u/MrXuiryus 7h ago edited 5h ago
Or like what happened with me. You enter into a high stress work environment and thrive and succeed on the stress and anxiety because it drives you to perform well. Right up until you completely burn out and realise that forcing yourself into those situations wasn't actually good at all and you were constantly damaging yourself without knowing it.
Edit: I genuinely wasn't expecting so many people to resonate with this and respond. I appreciate you all replying and sharing your experiences with me. I responded to someone who asked how I ended up. I thought it would be beneficial to put that response here too:
I eventually had a massive anxiety attack the night before going into work. I was massively overworked and doing far more than the scope of my job. I ended up going off on the sick for quite a while. I'm in the UK so we have good laws protecting you if you are off for medical reasons.
I eventually went back to that job and left not long afterwards for a better job elsewhere. I was at this job through most of COVID but the stress of not being able to perform as well as I could in my previous job really ate me up, then after getting assigned a really bad manager/supervisor I went off on the sick again... this time for a year.
While on the sick from that job I managed to find another job elsewhere eventually thanks to some previous connections I had. I was at this new job for a couple of years but eventually the stress built up again, they kept changing my responsibilities and piling on more and more work and changing how things worked and I snapped again. I'm still currently off on sick from this job. I'm still technically employed by them but its been over a year and a half now and I don't feel any healthier than the first day I was off sick.
Now I genuinely consider myself a broken person. I can barely function with anything in life from basic household tasks to motivating myself to even play a video game. I'm basically a living zombie that spends my days rotting away on reddit, youtube and tiktok because it's the only thing that gets me through the day.
The truth is that I've always been this broken person but I've kept it hidden behind so many layers and masks that I forced myself to keep functioning over the years despite that. Breaking down so many times and working remotely allowed me to rest in myself and realise that 99% of who I was projecting was just a complete facade and I realised that I just didn't have the strength to put up my defences anymore and pretend to be that strong person again... so here I am writing about it on reddit no healthier now than I ever was in my life.
For anyone wondering what help I've sought out. I've been on pretty much anti-depressant you can imagine for the last 20+ years. None of them helped. I was on a bunch of different non-stimulant ADHD meds which didn't help and eventually got stimulant based ADHD meds which also didn't help. Eventually my medical health team discharged me and even after I tried to get them to take me back they refused. So right now I am completely 100% unmedicated and unsupported by any health foundation in the country (Scotland).
I have been "encouraged" to take some therapy by my mother which I am planning to do soon but I don't think it's going to help, talking to someone doesn't fix or change anything in me as far as I'm concerned at this point I need something that will literally alter my brain in drastic ways like electro-shock or something extreme like that. For anyone reading this I hope your journey is more positive than mine and you find help and positive change that works for you.
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u/Spiritual-Road2784 6h ago
THIS.
Getting diagnosed and treated cost me my job.
Now that I analyze it, especially after reading this comment which filled in a few missing pieces, it wasn’t just the burnout or the challenges of unmasking.
I lost my edge. I did my best work when I was in a state of high anxiety, and when I lost that I stopped doing my best work, and I just did reasonably acceptable normal levels of work until the burnout got so bad that I could barely function even at normal levels.
Gosh, it’s sad to realize that the thing that gave me the star power was also the thing that was killing me and it’s sad to realize that I’m never gonna be like that again. I thought I was a Type A personality, a go-getter. Turns out, I was just an unmedicated, highly anxious panicking person high on adrenaline with ADHD, and all my productivity came from that.
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u/XtremelyMeta 6h ago
The unfortunate thing is that there aren’t a lot of employment contracts that actually work for those of us with this presentation.
We absolutely outperform most normies in times of crisis, but holding us in low expectations status until the shit hits the fan is beyond all but the most enlightened organizational structures.
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u/PM_ME_YR_KITTYBEANS 5h ago
Exactly. And they can’t understand why I was doing so well when everything was going wrong, or why I can’t catch that lightning in a bottle and whip it out to get routine, skull crushingly boring work done.
Well, Rhonda, if you lifted a car to save your kid, why can’t you deadlift 300lbs on demand when your kid isn’t getting crushed by the barbell? If you ran so fast when a bear was chasing you, why can’t you do it now when there isn’t a bear? /s
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u/Robatunicorn 5h ago
This is kinda sad realisation to be fair, since I feel like I thrive the most at my work when we are under a lot of pressure and understaffed and need to essentially do 4 different jobs at the same time (like right now with people sick). Not having any time to let my mind wander is perfect, I'm so incredibly productive and sharp and have everything under control and the moment the situation gets back to normal I also return to my base level blobbing around and procrastinating. It's so frustrating since to the coworkers whose slack I'm picking up when they are sick/on holiday/whatever mostly only get to experience my low productivity work effort and therefore I get accused of being lazy and wasting time. And my boss' opinion of it all is "well it seems like we are overstaffed since stuff gets done equally well or even better when less people are there".
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u/StoppableHulk 2h ago
The problem is we need to work in bursts of activity and rest that just don't work for corporate. Corporate expects that however you perform, you must perform at that rate nearly every day you show up to work.
We'd do much better going hard for 3 months, then a month of rest and low energy, then back into another high energy project.
This is a way of working much more consistent with how our nervous system works in swings.
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u/_HiWay 5h ago
Yikes, you just described me very well and I'm in that lost edge state only months after getting the largest promotion of my life. The somewhat unexpected promotion added a level of complacency that has made it even worse :( Too young to slow down, too old to keep burning that candle with a blow torch
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u/Ashamed-Raccoon-1387 4h ago
I burnt out before I even got diagnosed or treatment. I just started feeling stupid and lazy all the time because all of a sudden I couldn't remember anything or get anything done. Tasks took me longer. I lost a job. Then I got diagnosed and when I got treatment, realized that treatment makes me borderline functional. Nothing will make me like I was.
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u/Spiritual-Road2784 2h ago
Sucks, doesn’t it? Also sad to think that I’m not slowing down because of age, it’s because of getting a life-changing diagnosis that answered so many questions about my myself which I should be celebrating but instead…
How can something save your life and ruin it at the same time?
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u/Ashamed-Raccoon-1387 2h ago
In a way, it makes me understand what it must be like to be diagnosed autistic as an adult (I was diagnosed at 18 months).
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u/throwaway1546874 7h ago
I see myself in this comment and I don't like it. Burnout is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Corporate life chewed me up and spit me out. 😭
It took ages for me to heal, reframe and regulate myself again, even for animal volunteering, which is one of my forever loves on this earth.
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u/NegativeMammoth2137 6h ago
Ive recently got severely burned out at university because after years of relying purely on exam stress to motivate myself to study during my bachelors, I’ve suddenly realised that now in my masters I’ve sort of habituated to the academic stress and now don’t really feel that anxious about exams anymore nor do I worry that much about the grades. Expect that even though it might sound positive, it also meant that now that I had an exam I just couldn’t motivate myself to study period, which then lead to me failing the course with the lowest grade I’ve ever gotten in my life. But hey at least I was not anxious during the exam season
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u/ContemporaryCorvid 5h ago
Had this happen in my first year of college. Couldnt get a proper panic response from deadlines or exams anymore and so I just couldn’t do anything. Ended up essentially flunking out. Now I’m just stuck in limbo, trying desperately to find medication that works, trying to figure out what to do with myself. No luck so far, but here’s to hoping?
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u/LawDouble6173 2h ago
Maybe a hint more hope...
I dropped out for the exact same reason. My 20s were generally ass.
Found the right drugs at 28, was making $16/hr.
By 30, was making $80k... 35, >$120k... 40, I plan to retire by 50 at the latest.
YMMV
...but IMO, focus on finding the meds.
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u/Mcreesus 6h ago
Last fall I went to the doc for a sinus headache. Turns out 260/160 blood pressure is really fucking bad. 4 redbulls a day without food will fucking kill you apparently lol. I’ve got it mostly under control, but I go back to the stressful toxic hell hole job. I’ve realized that I will hold onto anger like heroine. So now if somebody pisses me off I let them know right away. No more holding onto shit. I’m gona throw it all back at the end of the day
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u/CaribouYou 6h ago
You were moments from a stroke everday.
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u/Mcreesus 4h ago
When I got my blood pressure checked the lady looked at the result and shook her head and tried again. When she did it twice she got a look of panic and got a doctor. They immediately sent me to the ER. At the time I was mad lmao. It still hadn’t really sunk in how fucked up I was
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u/CaribouYou 4h ago
I was at 170/120 and noticed a big difference when i got it under control. I can only imagine how it felt for you.
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u/Mcreesus 3h ago
The thing that really caused me to even know was when I quit drinking. It was at the start of a summer. I would wake up kind of expecting to feel good or recharged and I still had a headache. So for awhile I thought I just had a cold or some sinus infection. Which lead me to the doc. That day I had drank 3.5 redbulls by the time I got into the parking lot. No food either. I’d just pound them until I felt really bad and eat
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u/One-Inch-Punch 4h ago
That's actually higher than my friend's BP which was undiagnosed until he had a fatal brain bleed. Glad you caught it.
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u/redDKtie 6h ago
"this must be how everyone feels right?"
Thank God for therapy. 6 years in.
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u/DoomedDragon766 4h ago
How does therapy help with this sort of thing? And how does one start therapy for this? I got severely burnt out midway through college and it's still been so hard doing anything I need or want to do even after graduating this spring. No clue how to even start trying to get help, but I definitely need it..
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u/redDKtie 3h ago
Everyone's process is going to look different.
That being said, in general escaping the "internal anxiety as motivation" trap means a few things. Change how you talk to yourself in your head, change your relationship with motivation (for me that meant getting medicated), and change any external factors that were contributing. For me that meant changing careers.
Try out a few therapists until you find one that really clicks with you. This can feel demoralizing, but it's essential.
All the best out there ♥️
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u/itsknob 1h ago
Yeah, to follow up on how you talk to yourself, you know that voice in your head that constantly bashes you for being useless and not getting anything done? Well, it turns out that it's because that voice wants you to succeed. When you start talking to yourself in a positive light, you'll realize that it's the same voice, just different words. It's not "You didn't do enough", it's "You got through as much as you could." And it makes a huge difference.
That was a big step for me in Therapy.
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u/EntrepreneurTiny9812 6h ago
That's why I'm working the 211 crisis line. Each call gives me just enough anxiety to lock in but they usually don't take that long and I get breaks in between so it balances out pretty nicely
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u/SE7ENfeet 2h ago
Is it not normal to throw up every morning in the shower because you are so stressed out by the prospect of going in and having to perform at a high level every day or you'll get fired?
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u/rodalon 2h ago
I don't have much to contribute other than saying your journey sounds remarkably similar to my own, though my working career was cut short a lot sooner than yours. Now retired on disability, which I probably haven't come to terms with entirely.
The part you describe about always having felt broken in some way, but no longer able to keep up the facade (Not that I really care to at this point.) I've tried to put that into words to a good number of people over the years, but I don't think anyone has really been able to actually relate. Though I can't say I'm glad when I learn about someone else having to go through this.
I've been meaning to see a therapist for a while now, too. I still have faith I can find a better mental balance and then who knows. I'd be curious to hear how any sessions turn out for you. Until then I wish you well with all my heart.
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u/Fancy_Elk565 6h ago
This happened to me, I went down on work hours and got into therapy and medicated and now I feel like I miss the stress induced anxiety cuz it actually got me to do things but now I just feel so relaxed and blasé about everything and now I don’t feel anxious enough
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u/SmugShinoaSavesLives 3h ago
You enter into a high stress work environment and thrive and succeed on the stress and anxiety because it drives you to perform well. Right up until you completely burn out and realise that forcing yourself into those situations wasn't actually good at all and you were constantly damaging yourself without knowing it.
I never felt this called out by a comment before.
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u/puppy_yuppie 6h ago
How did that end up for you?
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u/MrXuiryus 5h ago
I eventually had a massive anxiety attack the night before going into work. I was massively overworked and doing far more than the scope of my job. I ended up going off on the sick for quite a while. I'm in the UK so we have good laws protecting you if you are off for medical reasons.
I eventually went back to that job and left not long afterwards for a better job elsewhere. I was at this job through most of COVID but the stress of not being able to perform as well as I could in my previous job really ate me up, then after getting assigned a really bad manager/supervisor I went off on the sick again... this time for a year.
While on the sick from that job I managed to find another job elsewhere eventually thanks to some previous connections I had. I was at this new job for a couple of years but eventually the stress built up again, they kept changing my responsibilities and piling on more and more work and changing how things worked and I snapped again. I'm still currently off on sick from this job. I'm still technically employed by them but its been over a year and a half now and I don't feel any healthier than the first day I was off sick.
Now I genuinely consider myself a broken person. I can barely function with anything in life from basic household tasks to motivating myself to even play a video game. I'm basically a living zombie that spends my days rotting away on reddit, youtube and tiktok because it's the only thing that gets me through the day.
The truth is that I've always been this broken person but I've kept it hidden behind so many layers and masks that I forced myself to keep functioning over the years despite that. Breaking down so many times and working remotely allowed me to rest in myself and realise that 99% of who I was projecting was just a complete facade and I realised that I just didn't have the strength to put up my defences anymore and pretend to be that strong person again... so here I am writing about it on reddit no healthier now than I ever was in my life.
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u/puppy_yuppie 5h ago
Oof sorry to hear that but thank you for sharing. I kinda feel like I'm going down the same path so I'm trying to avoid it. I hope you can figure things out and pull yourself out of this. I know it's hard especially when work has been your life for so long but there is more to life, even with however bleak everything appears.
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u/Squishiest-fun-bags 4h ago
Thank you for sharing this. Your lived experience sounds an awful lot like mine, and like you I'm still trying to find a solution. Still hanging on to my current job by my fingernails. Every day is a struggle.
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u/TheCuriosity 4h ago
I have been "encouraged" to take some therapy by my mother which I am planning to do soon but I don't think it's going to help,
All therapy did for me was bring out masking. I would show up to every appointment 2 steps ahead of the therapist in personal insight and improvement. I felt great , (my therapist felt very accomplished with my progress, being ADHD his speciality) but it also was a big lie and just another way I ended up burning out lol
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u/Corydora_Party It’s not due until tomorrow… 2h ago
I took almost 3 years off and did a a low stress job. Then I got super bored and wanted more stimulation so I’m back to my faster paced moderately high stress job but with a better work environment. We will see how it goes 😆
There’s no way to win just gotta ride the wave.
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u/bigdumbthing 1h ago
My story is similar enough to yours, that I thought I’d share. I’ve started new career as an apprentice in the surveyors union. Trade work is awesome if you can handle physical labor. Clearly defined goals, clearly defined career progression, pension for retirement. Going home at the end of the day physically tired but lots left in the mental tank.
The pay is okay too.
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u/iftheronahadntcome 6h ago
This is the one!
I think it's fine for small periods of crunch, but making it an every day thing (which I absolutely did for 3 years straight) led directly into burnout for me.
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u/Dolonopsy 6h ago
ThIs was me. The worst part is I don't know how to get a new job without the same thing happening again 😭
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u/deviantbono 5h ago
I usually don't comment when there are this many responses, but since this is basically me I have to ask if you accidentally left anxioletics off your list?
Anti-depressants and ADHD meds are not anxioletics (although they can help, and also good job finding non-stimuant options). Anxioletcs include propanalol (helps with physical anxiety), buspar (helps with racing thoughts), and yes benzodiazapines like ativan, clonapin and xanax. Benzos changed my life so while there is an addiction risk, they're worth it in my opinion (of course they're being phased out like opioids 🤦♂️).
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u/MrXuiryus 5h ago
At first I had no idea what you were talking about but yes I have been on these. Specifically propanalol.
I wasn't aware of any of the other ones though and I've never had them recommended to me buspar sounds interesting though as I constantly have an internal monologue running through my brain 24/7 hours a day that will not shut up unless I'm completely hyperfocused on something at the time.
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u/_ByAnyOther_Name 3h ago
Hi! Just wanted to weigh in that after I started Adderall and Wellbutrin I didnt need an Anxioletc. My panic attacks were caused by the constant stress state I was in and all the adrenaline. Once I was able to function I didn't thrive off adrenaline. It's hard to explain exactly why because it wasn't on purpose, but it's like I kept myself in this near state of panic to be able to function. Once I could function I didn't need the panic. But it was subconscious? Like I never meant to be pushing myself to the brink. It wad the only way I knew.
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u/deviantbono 2h ago
That definitely sounds like how they're supposed to work. They made me more anxious and irritable on top of that. The non stimulant options have been much smoother for me.
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u/_ByAnyOther_Name 3h ago
Thank you for sharing. I had a similar experience. My anxiety hit me in the most unexpected way. I was THRIVING on anxiety at work, like you. I could handle what no one else could, given the toughest assignment, took on extra projects constantly on top of my already stacked core workload. Where did it hit me? Driving! I had an hour commute which was typically my relax time, listening to podcasts or whatever. Suddenly out of nowhere I was having panic attacks driving home. Not just stress, like thought I was going to pass out, couldn't get a breath in deep enough, no way to calm down because I was powering a vehicle. I would pull over on the highway and wait for it to pass, but it wouldn't. I would pull back on the road and suddenly it was worse than it was before. I had to have someone drive the 45 minutes to get me and abandon the car. I have no trauma driving, no fear of driving, nothing with driving. The adrenaline caught up with me. Got on Adderall and Welbutrin and haven't had one since.
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u/thefunmachine 3h ago
Hello. I relate, going through something similar. Burn out that lasts longer and longer as I get older.
Started burning out in my mid-late 20s, white knuckled it until 40 when I pretty much stopped functioning. Got into therapy, on stimulant meds, okay some days, but after a year I’m struggling again.
Consider therapy. It’s good and gets things moving in your brain to verbalise how you feel and think, even if the psych doesn’t give you much actionable help.
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u/stilljustacatinacage 2h ago
I've been on pretty much anti-depressant you can imagine for the last 20+ years. None of them helped. I was on a bunch of different non-stimulant ADHD meds which didn't help and eventually got stimulant based ADHD meds which also didn't help. Eventually my medical health team discharged me and even after I tried to get them to take me back they refused. So right now I am completely 100% unmedicated and unsupported by any health foundation in the country (Scotland).
Me, who's gone through half a dozen stimulant medications so far to no effect: "Ah."
Thank you for sharing. I try to warn everyone who will listen, the "put it off until last minute panic forces you to do it lol" works great... Right up until it doesn't. And once it breaks, I don't know when or if it comes back.
Whatever happens, we'll get there. Keep your stick on the ice, Scotfriend. 🫂
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u/justjessee overwhelmed (ft. executive dysfuntion) 2h ago
My heart to you, man. Very very similar situation for me, but I'm at the beginning of it. We'll...maybe chapter 2.
Have you tried beta blockers? I was just reading about them acting as a mute button for the physical aspects of the stress. Which... I'm at the point where I need the off switch even if it mutes everything else too. I hate the anxiety, the shaking, the sweats. Logically I know this is all stupid, but it's the physical reaction that is killing me.
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u/jodude 2h ago
I feel a lot better after TMS for treatment resistant depression and anxiety. Please consider it as an option for your treatment! I hope you feel better.
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u/eiiiaaaa 2h ago
Yep pretty much as soon as I started self medicating (with weed) about 10 years ago, I burnt out. It gave me some perspective and reminded me that life shouldnt be about killing yourself for your job, and I couldn't do it anymore. My motivation is still pretty low but getting better. It's hard. How can you choose between 'success' and not feeling so anxious all the goddamn time?
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u/Between3-2o 1h ago
Fuck. I just started a new job a few weeks ago. I realize now that I’ve been doing this.
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u/elb21277 1h ago
is there anything you might enjoy doing as a volunteer? sometimes helping others can get you out of your own head/problems (*& give you a sense a purpose).
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u/MineralIceShots 1h ago
Brother, you remind me of myself. I'm currently medicated and in law school, and I've been doing EMDR for the last few years. (Possibly you traumatized yourself from a toxic work environment?) idk i know nothing. But I do know that some physical pains, stomach issues, and anxiety have been alleviated by therapy. it took me some time, but it works.
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u/refusegone 4m ago
I'm in the same boat on the opposite side of the pond. I luckily have some disability from my regretful time in the military to keep my wife and I afloat. But I'm genuinely at a loss as to what we're going to do with rising costs and my inability to do even the basic tasks around the apartment going forward. I've been told to try "radical rest" to help heal the burnout and whatever, but I'm also queer and the political situation here keeps me paralyzed and unable to get even basic rest successfully. If you find anything at all that helps you, I'd love an update. I had dreams that I know are just going to remain aloft and out of reach when living within my realistic abilities, but I still have goals and desires; I want to live again, I'm tired of just existing.
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u/Actual-Care 7h ago
Hey! Some of us have shame and anger as a backup to the anxiety.
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u/TSpaceSFS 6h ago
Worked great for a few years until I got burnt out and everything fell apart and now everyone’s concerned on how i’ve been behaving emotionally lately
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u/Winsome_Wolf 6h ago
That worked for me right up until it didn’t. Now I’m just ashamed and burnt out.
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u/Sazzybee 4h ago
I had too much therapy. I got so much done with shame avoidant stress. Absolutely experienced burn-out, probably 5 times. Every time I did therapy. Now I've had too much, and can't motivate myself.
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u/Disastrous_Check5594 6h ago
yeah I also get by on the guilt and anger when im uneducated which is a lot lately bc of the multi year long Adderall shortage
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u/ijustlovebobbybones 7h ago
This sub heals a little piece of me daily, tbh. I had 0 idea some of the stuff I’ve been hardest on myself for 39 years, other people are just rawdogging as well.
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u/NEEDZleKARMA 5h ago
Honestly the one thing that helped me the most was just the realization/diagnoses of ADHD. I've been rawdogging it my whole life and never knew.
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u/Mango_Skittles 5h ago
Absolutely!! It changed the story I told myself about myself, which is incredibly powerful.
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u/sly69guy69 7h ago
I don’t miss the anxiety but damn I do miss the productivity
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u/Novel_Individual_143 7h ago
For me the productivity, unmedicated, is sporadic. Even in a stressful environment, once the novelty goes I lose my momentum
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u/BuzzLiteSmear 4h ago
I would caution anyone who sticks with or pushes through high anxiety, ESPECIALLY if you are in a toxic work environment.
I got CPTSD from my last job as a result.
Couldn't afford to lose insurance. Couldn't afford not to work. Thought my fiancee at the time would leave me if I didnt work.
That next level anxiety caused from the toxic environment broke me. I was foolish to think "I got this" based on my 30 plus years of experience being productive via anxiety and stress.
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u/desmarais 1h ago
I was the same when I was unmedicated. I'd get bouts of extreme motivation to get things done that could last from an hour to a few days.
Now that I'm medicated I can remain on task and have similar levels of productivity daily. My biggest break through once I was medicated though was keeping myself organized. I make task lists and spreadsheets for everything.
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u/MeanWinchester undiagnosed but peer reviewed 7h ago
Uh-oh. Because I rely on the anxiety and the idea that I might disappoint my wife if I don't do the thing and even then I fail to do the thing a solid 30-40% of the time. When medicated how tf am I going to do the thing ?
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u/Spiritual-Road2784 6h ago
Well… If you get on the right meds that help manage the executive dysfunction and task paralysis part of ADHD, you’ll be able to function closer to what a normal non-ADHD person does.
It took a good year for me to find one that works for me. And it’s not perfect because I still have to, I don’t know how to put it, but it helps keep me unstuck. I still have to talk myself into doing the thing, but it’s a lot easier when there’s some motivation ready to do it, if that makes sense. But I get it, I do also rely on panic and threats as motivation, which I’m working through.
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u/MeanWinchester undiagnosed but peer reviewed 6h ago
I once explained to my friend (who is incredibly empathetic) what I thought was a normal solution to needing to get tasks done - fear that I will disappoint my wife if I don't- and the friend was like 🥺 "that must be so incredibly stressful living all the time like you're going let people down" and I was like "but... that's normal, right? Like I've lived my whole life being told people important to me are disappointed"
It was sobering to discover that's not normal
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u/beggingslow 1h ago
Ive been living like that my entire life and untill i just read this didnt know thats not how everyone was. Im not sure i can wrap my mind around that
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u/DrainTheMuck 6h ago
What was it like for you in that journey to find the right meds? I’ve been on Vyvanse for 8 months and I heavily relate to the OP where I no longer am motivated just by stress, but I still find it incredibly hard to do pretty much anything.
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u/unravelledrose 6h ago
There's a lot of strategies and scaffolding that you can use. But it's trial and error to figure out what works for you. Right now, body doubling, keeping things in line of sight, having a giant calendar and checklist in the kitchen (where I see it), and habit stacking have been relatively helpful. Still dealing with figuring out the fatigue, high blood pressure, gut issues, and weakened immune system due to being stuck in fight or flight too long tho.
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u/MeanWinchester undiagnosed but peer reviewed 6h ago
This sounds like all the things I have to do to try and do the thing already, plus overwhelming fear/anxiety of disappointing people.
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u/patchy_doll 3h ago
I just got back on meds after not needing them for years. I was dissolving myself with overworking and worrying about everything in existence.
Last night I remembered again how dusty the bathroom fan was, and instead of my brain breaking it into a thousand annoying steps that all felt like they were simultaneously meaningless and the precipice of an eternal effort (an experience I felt every time I was in the bathroom), I was able to see it for what it was; a five minute task that would stop me from obsessing over it. Cleaned it. Not even five minutes.
Meds aren't for everyone but if you haven't given them a go, it's worth talking to your doctor. All my brain seems to need for many of my maladies is a little chemical nudge in the right direction.
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u/DuffdPuttz 7h ago
Why is doing shit so difficult?!!
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u/Spiritual-Road2784 6h ago
Because our brains were structured differently, and they don’t function the way that a neurotypical person’s brain does.
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u/silverheart-nine 3h ago
I like to think of it as brain cells = sled dogs. Doing a task is a trip from point A to point B, and the dogs get a snack when we arrive, good dogs! ...except that no, my dogs don't get fed because I Actually Don't Have Dogfood.
My dogs want to chase every rabbit trail because they're hungry, but they don't want to make more sled trips because they're starved and exhausted and know there's no dinner waiting at the finish line. They're slow to get up and moving, and sometimes I have to scream at them or help drag them myself the whole way.
Sometimes no amount of kicking and screaming gets the dogs moving, and only a bear (oh no, Life Consequences) charging us will move the poor pups. They're not bad dogs... but if I was chronically starved half to death, I don't guess much short of an imminent mauling would get me running either.
Now that I do have treatment, tbh I still rely on bears for motivation far more than I imagine is healthy. My dogs are much less skeletal and sluggish, but the food I'm dumping in does not hit the bowl as a direct reward for work like it ideally should, so it can still be hard to train them.
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u/advancedOption 6h ago
Yup. Have been rebuilding my entire self since burnout, diagnosis, and giving up my high stress career and quieting the urge to stress myself out to be productive. Imposter syndrome, negative self talk, catastrophising... all learnt behaviours to keep levels of stress high to be productive. But your body can only take it so far.
I once had a doctor say "I only ever see these signs of stress in really high-stress jobs... you work in design yeah?" Like... "You should not be this stressed!"
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u/CaucasianHumus 6h ago
This half my problem now. Anxiety is gone, brain chaos gone, constantly planing 10000000 conversations that never happen, the double think on messages... too.. none of that.. except now I have 0 initiation or drive to start anything. Go to gym? Nope. Do laundry? Nope. Do dishes? Nope. Work? Possibly. Etc. Infuriating as ao many people dont understand that i WANT to do these things but getting from thinking to actually doing it, its like there just isnt a connection so my body doesn't know how to start even if ive done jt a million times. Fuckin weird.
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u/Rubyhamster 5h ago
So many people don't know what action potential in neurons are. You don't actually will something into bodily action. Your brain use neurotransmitters to start ANYTHING. ADHDers typically need more dopamine to start that action, but because it is enough to will it for normal people, they think that is all there is to it. Without enough neurotransmitters in the right synapses, it doesn't matter how much you want something. Which is also related to why we humans don't usually run when dreaming about running. The brain inhibit the action.
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u/CaucasianHumus 4h ago
Yeah and I noticed if I stop adderal for a week or two. And start back up. I actually have drive and initiation for a solid. Like 5 days. The. Back to juat hyper focus, task switching, and none of my other shit.
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u/kodyodyo 4h ago
Wait, the constantly planning a million conversations and double thinking messages are things that can be gotten rid of? I tell my friends about how Im constantly having deja vu because a large amount of conversations I have with people, Ive already considered hundreds of potential responses from both parties. And at work it takes me forever some times to respond to messages or emails because I think it over a billion times to make sure it sounds correct, or to avoid one of the hundred potential responses I've thought of that would be bad.
I also have the issue of always being tired and can never seem to get myself to do anything. I've been on Adderall for a few years, but maybe I need to talk to my doc about trying something different....
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u/TaxCPA 6h ago
Once I hit forty this stopped working anyways. Yall have been warned.
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u/MillennialPolytropos 6h ago
Ugh, same. It's becoming increasingly clear to me just how much I used to rely on panic adrenaline to get things done. Now I'm trialing a new process of relying on medication and unfiltered autism.
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u/shredder826 5h ago
Same, for me it was more like 35. I miss the panic monster so damn much… I feel like I can’t do anything anymore. I was on meds for several years, I feel like all it did was kill my creativity…
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u/launchcode_1234 4h ago
I thought it would be really liberating to get to the age where I stopped caring about what others thought of me and not feel social shame. But it resulted in no motivation to shower or brush my teeth.
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u/ammonthenephite 2h ago
Yup. 48 and had to stop working for a while, hit burn out and nothing works for motivation.
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u/Hexnohope 6h ago
I get this like necromantic surge of artifical animation. Like my body just rises off the couch and starts being productive just because im thinking about being productive.
It scares me that its possible neurotypicals are like that all the time. If all i had to do was think about something and wait for it to get done id have a concept of calling someone lazy as well
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u/WonderfulFisherman96 4h ago
Holy shit i feel so seen. It actually made me kinda angry at the world for calling me lazy nd disorganized when i realized that they call this shit simple cuz everything is easy for them.
Like getting constantly called a noob by people who play a game. Then finally gettin a chance to play on one of their systems urself. And realizin that all these motherfuckers been playin on easy mode and talkin shit this whole time.
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u/theyrejustlittle 3h ago
Neurotypicals are definitely not like this all the time, lol. ADHD does not have a monopoly on procrastination.
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u/CutSea5865 4h ago
Oh that’s worrying. I’m 48, got CPTSD, just got diagnosed with ADHD and waiting to start medication. Worried I won’t know how to function!
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u/Front_Target7908 4h ago
There’s definitely a regression period everyone goes through…it’s just like your brain is like “omg you mean I’m not the worst and this is just how I am?” Honestly you’ll realise how much your brain needed a break. It’s going to go on vacation for a few months and it’ll come back better. It’ll be okay.
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u/Mike-Sos 4h ago
Be prepared for the possibility of finding hidden undiagnosed autism. Not a guarantee it will happen, but it’s not uncommon
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u/BuzzLiteSmear 4h ago
Read my other comment... I can relate and im in my 40s. My stimulant meds dont get rid of my anxiety and I have cptsd. Honestly wish they would lol
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u/Dull-Fisherman2033 3h ago
its nothing you cant learn to work around. I benefit more from the medication that it ooutweighed the adjustment period.
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u/DetroitLionsSBChamps 55m ago
One thing at a time dude! You can’t solve a problem until you have it. Sounds like you’re working on solutions for the problems you know you have now. Nice work! If you have more problems later, you can work on them then
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u/shirokashii 6h ago
Oh. OH. This is eye-opening.
Genuine plea for advice on how to work through this? I've been really struggling to get anything done now that my life situation has calmed and I'm no longer stressed.
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u/Lighthouse_on_Mars 5h ago
I kept forgetting to take my supposedly, highly addictive, Adderall. And then, when I set an alarm to remind me, and took them regularly. My body just got use to it and they no longer did anything... 🥲
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u/Princess_Moon_Butt 6h ago
I think this is sort of what happened when I tried Bupropion.
Before, I'd have major anxiety about how much stuff I was procrastinating. That anxiety built up until it boiled over and I would go on like 72-hour binges of some form of productivity. With some luck, that binge would sweep over work I needed to catch up on, or chores I was putting off, and I could scrape by.
After, I no longer had anxiety about how much stuff I was procrastinating...
... so I just kept procrastinating.
Forever.
Until I realized like 4 months had gone by and I couldn't think of a single productive thing that I'd done.
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u/seriously_stopit 2h ago
Same! When I started adderall I was already on bupropion and I turned into a complete zombie. No motivation for anything, hours of doom scrolling every day, etc. I've been off Bupropion for about 5 months now and I'm slowly getting back to myself, finally.
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u/iftheronahadntcome 6h ago
Is... is there a known solution to this? Because this is my issue.
Last-minute work get's done with crazy precision for me. Either last-minute work or when my tray is piled high with assignments, and the stress from having to get them all done gets them all done.
I'm sure this is terrible for my nervous system but it's what works 🫠
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u/silverheart-nine 2h ago
Is there a way to make smaller and less damaging 'stress' or external pressure happen perhaps?
Deliberately creating a 'last-minute' brain hostage scenario so the tray doesn't fill by promising someone an earlier delivery on a specific report, for instance. Or offering to grab a coffee for someone, but 'I just have to do [small task you've been avoiding] on my way back up!' so now it's weird if you don't do the task, but you have to lock in or else the coffee will get cold.
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u/butwhatsmyname 6h ago
"But if I stop terrorising and punishing myself... how will I ever get anything done?"
My problem was that I'd spent 40 years constantly being told that I need to be trying harder. At everything. All of the time. But I had a threshold of effort that I just couldn't push past. I could operate at 70% with 95% effort without totally exhausting myself.
Then I got medicated. But I did not know any other way of working. So suddenly I'm just fucking thrashing my way through work. I'm so productive. That 95% effort is finally producing 95% productivity! Not being able to stop for lunch or ever take a break is finally paying off! Amazing!
Only... that set the expectations. And it only took about 4 months (and a lot of other people leaving) for me to be trying to do 2.5 people's work to an excellent standard. Even working an extra 8 hours on top of my 5 day week wasn't enough to keep it all rolling. The crashout was brutal.
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 6h ago
I kind of burned out a long time ago. That last minute adrenaline has gotten less and less effective over the years. When I was still in school, I went from doing assignments the night before they’re due to doing them right before the unit ends right before the quarter ends to doing that but with the semester or with the year. It became almost like a drug that you gain tolerance for over time.
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u/CoolGovernment8732 6h ago
Crazy thing: I’ve healed (at least in part), worked hard on doing things way way way in advance cause I knew doing things late would lead to me not submitting anything (went back to uni at 28). after fixing the anxiety, I’m actually feeling myself going back to doing things last minute: just not too too much. Maybe the main thing is that perfectionism finally lifted: my new motto is, whatever, just do it, even if it’s not good. I do get the last minute adrenaline, but it’s now Back to what it felt like when I was a child: postponing, but not to the point of freaking out about it. The whole story is much more complicated than this of course, but I hope the gist of it is clear
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u/TheUFCVeteran3 41m ago
I'm trying to switch to this "just do it", like as long as it's good enough. Just the thought of doing it perfectly puts me off even starting even though I could just slapdash it so to speak, and it'd be decent. Once I have a base, it's easier to go back and tweak.
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u/red-man1138 7h ago
Learning this the hard way this year as I started medication again since I was in my teens 30 years ago. So hard to get anything done.
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u/grave_violet 6h ago
I was started on guanfacine before a stimulant, which guanfacine blocks adrenaline and this is literally what I’m experiencing right now. Like I can’t even do fun things. Helps in a lot of other ways though
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u/DrainTheMuck 6h ago
Yeah I started guanfacine and then Vyvanse with it soon after, and relate to OP. I had really bad RSD and anxiety and that’s gotten a bit better but it’s gone from “I need to be on time at work or they’ll hate me” to “I should be on time but just don’t care enough” and am frequently late.
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u/ooooooooono 4h ago
Having a near panic attack every morning about getting to work on time? Here is some therapy/medication/coping skills to treat that anxiety!
That helped tremendously, I no longer start my day with a load of anxiety, but now I am late to work every day, turns out that panic was what got me going.
Copy and paste this but for everything
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u/VoidowS 1h ago edited 57m ago
Once you know , you know!
Know thy body.
So it comes down to, what r you gonna do about it now you know. Still act like it's just there or,..
If you know this will happen then it comes down to discipline in your life. That means doing things you would rather not as well, so you enjoy other things you love more also more.
Of course we love to sit in a clean house when watching a movie or someone visits out of the blue. But then those that don't keep it tight, they start to say they don;t mind it. To overcome the struggle of discipline and to let it go for while. But then it becomes a real problem, no more clean cloths, shit and I was supposed to go out tonight. Shit I haven't washed my bedsheets for months. And here I am in a bar asking a girl to come home with me. Ow shit I didn't do the groceries. Lets order okay. Ow shit I didn't do the dishes no clean pots and pans to cook, lets order out okay?
Discipline your life, once you know, you know. You can fool the entire world no problem! but you can never fool your self!
What r you gonna do about it?
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u/KestrelTank 4h ago
This was a huge thing for me dear lord.
It’s like when you give someone with farsightedness glasses and they seem to get worse because they longer have to strain all the time.
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u/Catbutt247365 4h ago
Ayup, doctor diagnosed an anxiety disorder—I was DYING of neglect and bad diet and lack of sleep, but by cracky, I was EFFECTIVE.
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u/Similar_Part7100 4h ago
uh yeah I’ve had to rearrange everything about how I arrange my work because I forget it all without that anxiety.
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u/ImhotepsServant 4h ago
I’ve found meds to be a lifesaver. I can actually work effectively and do hobbies
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u/BodhingJay 4h ago
Ahhh haha yea.. i had no idea how to be. I just laid on the couch like "am i in heaven" for a few months, figuring out i could do things for the joy of it
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u/_ByAnyOther_Name 4h ago
If I'm not sleeping deprived, overly caffinated, and running on pure adrenaline, who even am I?
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u/emotionalexplosions 3h ago
Like when I randomly stopped getting anxious about running late and now I’m always running late!
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u/the_bum_on_the_bus 3h ago
Ugh.
Well that makes sense why I’ve avoided meds for most of my life.
Back to rawdoggin life I guess.
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u/Honest-Western1042 3h ago
omg is this why I literally scroll here all day at work even though I barely have an hour of work to get done that keeps getting pushed to tomorrow??
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u/LetReasonRing 3h ago
This is a trap I ran into.
The only way I could get things done was through extreme pressure... that worked up until the point where the pressure stopped getting to me, but the deadlines were still there.
I got really far in my career and found myself procrastinating on prepping for meetings where hundreds of thousands of dollars were at stake and I still couldn't get myself to do it.
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u/PerspectiveNew3375 3h ago
The adrenaline fueled "get shit done" hour I have every night is how I get 99.99% of my stuff done. Without that, I'd be screwed.
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u/SanyaDol 3h ago
Dude just reading that gave me an adrenaline rush and I started looking around for shit 😂
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u/Inevitableness 3h ago
I saw this post, screen shot it, downloaded it, needed to save for future validation.
Got distracted, repeated process because I forgot I'd already completed the steps....
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u/ThresholdSeven 3h ago
And I'm about to start taking prescription meds that I probably needed my entire life. Maybe I'll at least not care about not getting shit done until I figure my shit out, but that doesn't seem very motivating, to not care about not getting shit done. The Catch 22s with divergent diagnosis are fun.
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u/Lower_Resist_7683 3h ago
As an Adhd lifer, I could not write papers for college a week or even a day in advance - not enough urgency / adrenaline for something so boring. I would literally go to bed at 7pm and set my alarm for 2am on a day a big paper was due - then just turbo crank out a bad paper all day nonstop, no time left even for spell check sometimes, sprinting across the quad to turn it in on time 🙄
Only way I could get it done
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u/CouldveBeenSwallowed 3h ago
Learning how to "do things™️" after getting medicated has taken me 3 years of therapy and even then still kinda sucks
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u/mutzilla 3h ago
That's when you start creating stress for yourself so you can get things done. It's a hell of a catch 22.
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u/trippyhippie573 3h ago
Yep, I procrastinate cleaning all the time because I work better under time pressures. Room not clean? Oh well, I'll wait until I have two days until my husband gets home then I bust ass getting everything ready
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u/Expert_Obligation_79 3h ago
Well that's a good thing. Now you can find new ways to inspire you or motivate you that isn't to toxic
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u/EJoule 3h ago
Fully agree.
When I finished school I had a habit of direct depositing a decent amount of the spare money into a retirement account. Ended up having constant anxiety about finances and living on a very tight budget.
I think it will work out in the long run, but had to work through a lot of stuff once I eased up on saving. And now I’m a lot less motivated to do things after work since I’m not in a constant state of anxiety.
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u/eyewantcookie 3h ago
Agree. I miss that anxiety at times. But, that anxiety came with a huge cost for me in terms of relationships and normal milestones until I was 30. Now, yeah, I may not be as productive, and maybe I take things to a certain point and then am satisfied, but I am a much happier and better adjusted person.
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u/Personal_Tap1769 2h ago
I used to have brief manic episodes where I would start a lot of stuff and never finish them, but I still did something. All medication did was remove the manic episodes, and now it takes a monumental effort to start/maintain anything. I sometimes miss those episodes.
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u/DefaultWhiteMale3 2h ago
I do find myself just, like, completing small tasks and chores and stuff though.
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u/mitchelebadoo 1h ago
Is this why a low stress lifestyle has made me have little ambition to do anything productive?
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u/ClutteredTaffy 1h ago
Nah I was a sleepy ass fooker and now I am getting stuff way done. It is cray cray. Meds were a game changer.
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u/Jamie7Keller 44m ago
Yup. Vyvanse works the best for me. But we joke it makes me “nice but lazy”. I think it just makes me normal-ish? But I built different tools for 30 years, that don’t work for normal people….and normal tools never worked for me so I’ve never used them
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u/Icy-Requirement7854 25m ago
Not to be overly rude but from reading through everything I'm heavily leaning towards most of you not having primary ADHD but other related neurological disorders that manifest some key ADHD symptoms. I used to have anxiety/depression not because of the ADHD but because of the executive dysfunction negatively impacting my ability to actually succeed. Nor was the stress or anxiety a key driver just simply a result of chronic procrastination and lack of ability to start or complete basic tasks. The adderall fixed the executive dysfunction allowed me to focus and internally drive myself which in turn fixed all the other associated symptoms. It did not degrade my motivation to perform well nor impact anxiety from things like up coming exams or a tough interview. Now I know it's vastly different for everyone but based on my experiences primary ADHD alone is easily corrected and was a literal night and day difference when on medication.
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u/CoffeeSparky 23m ago
I've had to tell my doctors that my meds are working too well. I only seek to turn down the anxiety, not turn it off entirely. Without it, I have no drive or desire
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u/prettygoodist 15m ago
What nobody tells you about ADHD treatment is that it's just speed, and you are now addicted to speed. Drug companies needed a new way to sell speed since the markets for the military and overweight women had run their course. Anxiety and hyperactivity were rebranded as ADHD, creating an enormous market of children after progressivism decided regular classroom discipline was wrong and drugging kids was the way of the future. College kids realized how much fun and productive Adderall is, and decided they must have this ADHD thing too. Those college kids became adults and have moved into middle age, all the while remaining hooked on speed.
I love taking an Adderall now and then, because, you know, uppers are fun.
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