It’s not that I don’t care.

It’s not that I hate you. In fact I PRAY for you. That you find healing and peace. And I really did love you.

It’s that you lied. You betrayed my trust. You rubbed it in my face.

And couldn’t even humble yourself enough to just say two words.

I’m sorry.

I’ll never get the full story and that’s ok. I’ve already forgiven you and moved on.

But I don’t OWE you my attention. I don’t OWE you a place back in my life. Forgiveness does not always mean a seat back at the table (but if you were hoping for that? It starts with an IM SORRY and a direct one. No anonymous chats and texts through the grapevine shit. I want in my inbox as YOU or to my face.

Not making up lies. Not aggrandizing rumors or trying to sabotage my current life and relationships.

You know and god knows that I don’t deserve it. That’s why all your attempts at harming me have failed.

I don’t get it. I honestly don’t think I ever will as a woman. I give my all, he tells me I’m beautiful and every single thing you can think of but when he’s gone and we are messaging over the phone, he doesn’t answer?

Acts so bubbly and lovey in person but over the phone it’s a whole other world. I don’t get it, I really don’t. Why even keep me hanging on? Why don’t you just block me? Why play with my head? You want me to chase you? No. I’m not playing your games.

All of these things can be true. Yes I still love you, yes I still miss you. Yes I hurt you and yes you hurt me. I can miss and love you but never want you back in my life all at the same time. I may still want to hear the sound of your voice or to hug you or see you again but I’m grateful that I never will. If I did I would crumble and we might be back in the same cycle of pain again. It’s enough to know I loved you. That’s good enough for me. It has to be

I am a farce a dreamer a traumatized lie coming apart at the seems I'm no good for Anyone I need to retire the human suit ive overplayed I need to be benched I'm out. I'm sorry it's me it's always been me wish I was y'all but I'm me I'm not cool just trashy and imposing a turd with sprinkles is all maybe a lil glitter.

Do you?

It was like lightning, though even that seems too merciful a comparison. Lightning strikes and disappears. Your touch did neither. It has lived beneath my skin ever since, as though some part of you remained when the rest of you walked away.

I wondered if I'd somehow summoned you. If my wanting had grown so enormous that it had escaped the confines of my body, slipped beneath your skin, and persuaded your hands to do what mine had never dared.

There must be a word for this. Something uglier than longing. Something that sounds like a wound reopening before it has learned to close. I've searched for it in books, in the mouths of poets, in the confessions of people who ought to have known better. Surely someone, somewhere, has made a ruin of themselves over something so small.

Nothing fits.

Something has taken root just beneath my ribs. I cannot see it, cannot loosen it, but I feel it growing.
Every time you disappear into the night, it pulls me. And I am left trying to hold myself together over a thing you do not even know you've disturbed.

I've known desire. Infatuation. Limerence. I've admired beautiful people and endured the familiar humiliation of wanting to be wanted by them.

But this has made a stranger of me.

I have never desired another person so terribly that I began to envy the very flesh they inhabit.

I am jealous of your lungs.

They have never once had to ask permission to be inside you.

They have known every breath you've taken, risen with your laughter, faltered beneath the weight of your grief.

They have kept you company through nights when sleep refused to come, held the sighs you swallowed, the words you couldn't bring yourself to say.

They know what your silence sounds like. They have lived beside your heart all these years, close enough to feel every terrible thing that has ever happened to it.

And when you sing. To be the breath behind your voice. To travel through you, to become something beautiful in your throat, to leave your lips.

I envy your blood. It knows every road through you without a map. It has traveled the length of you a thousand times, touched every hidden corner, and returned to your heart without ever having to wonder whether it would be welcomed back.

Your hands. I've watched them coax beauty out of silence with the effortless certainty of something born knowing where it belongs. I've watched entire rooms grow quiet beneath them. They have never had to wonder where to rest.

And your mind. Every thought you've ever had was born there before the world could touch it. To know what frightens you before you've found the courage to admit it. To inhabit your silences instead of standing outside them, wondering what they mean. To know whose faces you still see when you close your eyes.

What an obscene privilege, to be your own body.

And here I am, a separate creature entirely, condemned to know you only in fragments. A conversation. An embrace that ends a breath too soon. A glance I spend the better part of an evening trying not to remember.

I collect these miserable little scraps and try to assemble something resembling the whole.

It isn't enough.

I suspect nothing ever would be.

Hi. We haven't talked in years. When we last did, there were so many fights. So much anger. I still feel so much of that.

I want you to know that you won. Our explosive end destroyed me. I can't function anymore. I tried everything I know to make it better, and it keeps coming back to me and you. You won.

Your hate for me is what really did it. Before we ended, I never really thought of myself as someone that could be hated. Now I hate myself. And you can't find love if you can't love yourself, as they say. You won.

I'm gonna end this here. I know I'm supposed to take the high road, but you utterly destroyed me, so fuck that and fuck you. You won, and I hope you burn too.

I am many things. I’m aware. But I am no longer this. I should have known and trusted my gut. I would look up at you and I could see who you really were. Evil. Only darkness. So dark it would consume and fester. And I believed you. It was even confirmed by the fact that the truth offends you. So much so that if ANYONE casts a light on your skeletons in the closet you’d go scorched earth. Even to this day. Which tells me you haven’t changed much. The only person who gets offended by the truth is someone who can’t stand to look at themselves. Someone with so many corpses piled up around him he can’t even smell the rot anymore. I used to be like you. Which is how like recognized like. However you are way too far gone. Like a spoiled little child always twisting words to make it look and sound like you’ll get your way. Talk your way out of it LITTLE salesman. Self reflection is the only way to face yourself. You’re so lost you can’t even see it. So consumed with work and sex and pot and booze. Only to escape the multiple lives you have ruined. Do not call me a monster for telling my truth. The truth. So that I myself can sleep at night knowing I have NOTHING to hide. Just know that I see you. You small, evil, little coward. And if I see you, others do too. LICK the spoon. SWALLOW that pill. BE HUMBLED. You deceitful little coward. You want to blame someone? Look in the mirror. And every day I wake I will thank god he saved me before I became your new life to feed from. The truth shall set you free. I hope for your sake you find yourself.

Life is full of contradictions.

I can want your silence, and still miss you. I can know its over, but still wish it was different. I can know the reality is that you didn't truly care the way I did, and still believe that part of you did. I can know that you don't even think of me, and still hope that you do.

I can know that having you in my life brought lows and highs. That I never felt fully relaxed. I felt excitement, that would shift into anxiety. I was having anxiety attacks, and you didn't pay that any mind. So why do I adore the idea of us? Why do I do that? When I know I didn't feel safe.

At the end, every text I got from you would sent a sharp pain in my chest (from anxiety, not a heart attack..lol). My efforts at the end were because I really wanted this to work, but knew I wasnt feeling right. So, instead of completely bailing, I thought that if we talked and agreed to still see each other but take more space, I could figure out where that anxiety was rooted. I wanted to grow within the connection, because sometimes you can't heal on your own. When your on your own, your attachment wounds arent activated, they're dormant. You have to do the work when the feelings are messy. I know how to be okay on my own. I don't know how to be okay when I truly care about someone. When I fear it ending...when it feels there is something on the line, something that you don't want to lose.

I believed that the anxiety only happened because I really liked someone. That my nervous system is broken, and can't tell me whats safe and what's not. That it's hypersensitive. I look back on the messages I sent, and I dont even recognize myself. I dont recognize who I became at the end of summer. I lost myself, and I tried to get myself back without completely burning the bridge..but I couldn't. Truth is, you didn't really help the matter. When I wanted you to understand me on a deeper level, and offered vulnerability at a moment of stress, you rejected it. You didn't want to meet me there. You didn't want to share your side.

It hurts to show a person every side of you, and have it be the reason they walk away, after they previously accepted that side of you. It hurts when they not only walk away, but do it without a conversation. Apparently, that is risk we take when we chose love. We risk looking stupid, we risk embaressing ourselves, we risk our wounds showing, we risk rejection. I accept the pain that comes with every heartbreak, because I know that I tried. I know that I cared and that I was true to myself. I know that I didn't quit at the first sight of a rainy day. To be honest, there is not one person that has walked away me that I ended up regretting. Every time, I look at their life years later, and realize why it was never meant for me. I don't know if you will fit that mold. I might never hear from you in order to know.

Resiliance in challenging moments..in moments of anxiety, stress, heartbreak, grief...that is where growth happens. It can add perspective, shows you how to adapt, and teaches you lessons that you'd never have learned otherwise. The painful moments always suck when your in them, but I love the afterglow of realizing you will always come back to yourself - and that losing hope is never endless.

People leave, they do it all the time. I hope that someday, someone won't - and that I won't either. But, maybe that's not my path or not my story. Either way, I will keep writing 🙂

Trust me, I'm not an optimist, but maybe I will be today.

I wish you well, but from the other side of the street. I wonder if our paths will cross again.

There are moments when silence carries a weight far heavier than words ever could. I am writing this to you because there is an unspoken truth that lives inside me, one that I can no longer keep quiet, even if it has to cross the distance between what is felt and what is known.

When I met you months ago, it felt less like meeting someone new and more like remembering someone I have known across lifetimes. It was a recognition that goes bone-deep—a quiet, undeniable certainty of the soul. I know it, and I felt it pulsing in every quiet moment we shared. You felt like home.

Yet, I often wonder now: *Do you know?*

When our paths crossed, when our eyes met, did you feel the gravity of this connection, or is it just echoing in my own heart? If you know, I hope you will reach out and tell me. I need to know if you feel this too—if this profound sense of us is something we both share, or if I am holding onto an echo all by myself.

I know life is complex, and the circumstances around us are not simple. Situations can change, boundaries can shift, and fear can sometimes keep us from stepping into what is real. But please know this: I am willing to change everything , to adapt, and to meet you wherever you are. For a love this deep, no obstacle feels insurmountable.

I am here, and I am listening—to you, to us, and to the quiet pull between our souls.

This is the reason why o even OD’d purposely in the first place… u think I’m dumb like I don’t know your whereabouts. I’ve studied you for almost 4 years with you and I know when you’re offsetting about time by pre planning it and when you’re not. I just act obvious in person when I ask you. I’m keeping to myself cause that’s messed up man. My A is gone

I wish we could have fixed things before I lost you. I know I didnt make things easy when I was younger, but as I got older I realize I didnt have the relationship with you that I could have had.

There were a lot of conversations we didnt have. A lot of meaningless ones, and a lot of deep ones. Ones I'll never be able to have again.

Hearing your voice and having guidance always helped me through difficult times. Even when I could stand to hear you speak to me, I always knew you loved me.

When I heard your voice the last time, I knew you had threw in the towel. I knew you were tired of fighting. That you were in so much pain. The man I used as my rock had already died.

The cancer was quick. The death wasnt. Im sorry you were in so much pain. Im sorry that I didnt get the closure we both wanted. Im sorry that theres so much left in my life youre going to miss.

Your voice changed. You weren't the man I was used to hearing. You sounded tired. You sounded weak. Broken. It hurt to hear it. I couldnt bear to hear it for too long, but i know it comforted you having me around. Im just sorry I didnt make it in time to really say goodbye.

What i wouldn't give to hear that voice again. To hear you singing, laughing, or just to ask me about my day.

Hearing your voice would fill the father sized hole in my heart. Rest in peace, dad.

Will it always be me reaching out? Will you never ask me to stay? I don't think I can handle another unrequited love, hoping one day you'll change your mind. I feel like your last choice. Your guilty pleasure. Your mistake 😞

I just wish you were better. I wish that for everyone but especially you. You could’ve really been something great, it could’ve been something amazing. But, you always choose wrong. Your self sabotage is a form of self hate. I completely am aware and understand your struggles, but im also way too empathetic that I’m still hoping good things. Even though I know I’ll never let you in ever again. You know I’m a soft pillow for others pain.
There’s a balance of grace and being strong.
And I guess that’s on me to learn, so I stop myself from being susceptible to people like you.
You took my loss in memory as a new opening for yourself and that’s disgusting. You think everyone is evil and selfish but you’re truly projecting. And it makes me sad to think you’re so trapped in a cycle in your own mind. But no one’s to blame but you.
I’ll always wish the best for you and as I wish for everyone, I hope you truly find love and everything that fulfills you in life. No one deserves pain, even you.
You’re one of the main reasons I’m weary of someones intentions.
And for that I hope one day you’ll be a distant memory.
I hope we never talk again.

(Please do not dm me, random person. I promise I’m not the person you’re looking for.)

I tried so hard to fix you. Your broken soul and battered body. I tried to show you what love, compassion and care is, because you had so little in your life before you met me. I tried to set you on the right path in life and give you hope.
Unfortunately, it seems you could not be fixed. Either it was too late in life to change or, quite simply, you didn’t want to. You became greedy and selfish until I could no longer hold out to your demands. And in the end? You threw me away like trash.
What now for me?
Do I start to hate the world? No. I’ll try to move on with life and continue to hope to see the good in people again.
It was a painful lesson to learn.

Thank you for showing me.

There is something I have wanted to tell you for a long time, but finding the right words has been difficult. So much has happened between us, and I have spent countless hours thinking about what went wrong, what we might have done differently and whether we ever truly understood how much we meant to each other.

I know our relationship was far from perfect. We both had our insecurities, and there were times when neither of us communicated particularly well. I regret the moments when I allowed my hurt to influence how I treated you. I wish I had been more open about what I needed, rather than hoping you would somehow understand without my having to explain.

But I also wish you had been more honest with me. There were things that hurt me deeply, and some questions have never been answered. I would like to understand them, not because I want another argument, but because I would rather know the truth than continue wondering.

Despite everything, I have never forgotten how happy we could make each other. I remember the affection, the laughter, the intimacy and the ordinary moments that meant far more than we probably realised at the time. Sometimes I wish we had appreciated those moments more instead of allowing our difficulties to overshadow them.

It has taken me a long time to understand my own feelings, and I cannot speak for yours, but I have always felt that our hearts belonged together. We understood certain things about one another without needing to explain them, and I genuinely believed we were on the same side. Perhaps that is why everything that happened has been so difficult to accept.

I have wondered whether everything I have learned and experienced since we separated has helped me understand our relationship differently. Perhaps there were things you wanted me to see or understand that I simply could not recognise at the time. I do not know. But I wish we could talk openly about it.

More than anything, I would like us to put this painful chapter behind us. I know we cannot undo what happened, but we can decide whether to continue carrying it into the future. Perhaps, rather than repeatedly revisiting every mistake, we could acknowledge what went wrong, forgive what we genuinely can and give ourselves the opportunity to move forward.

If only you knew what you truly meant to me. You were the person I trusted most, and although that trust was badly damaged, the affection I felt for you did not simply disappear. I still remember the person I fell in love with, and I still wonder whether you remember me with the same tenderness.

I miss being close to you. I miss the comfort of your arms, the laughter we shared and the intimacy that made our relationship feel so special. There are times when I wish I could simply sit beside you again, without all the tension and uncertainty, and enjoy being together.

I do not expect us to pretend that nothing happened. There would need to be honesty, understanding and a willingness from both of us to take responsibility for our mistakes. I would want us to feel safe expressing ourselves without fear of judgement or rejection.

I suppose what I am trying to ask is whether you ever think about us in the same way. Do you ever wonder what might have happened if we had understood one another better? If we could approach things differently now, would you want to?

I cannot answer that for you, and I would never want you to feel obliged to say something you do not genuinely mean.

I just wanted you to know that, despite everything, you have remained very important to me. I wish we had been kinder to each other, and I wish we had realised sooner how much there was to lose.

Whatever happens, I hope we can eventually look back without bitterness. And if there is still a possibility of finding our way towards one another, I would want it to begin with a conversation in which we could both be completely ourselves. If only we knew how to erase what has happened between us. I know it can be done, but only with you allowing me into your world can it begin. God has a funny way of showing us how easily things can be changed when you truly love someone.

I loved you deeply, Choco, and that love was never something I took lightly. 

Only the heavens know what to do as I can not re-write this story alone without being collectively involved to allow my one true love to return back to me. 

With love, always. 

In this life and the next.

Look after yourself.

I am moving soon and there is no way of telling you any of this. I just wished we could start again somehow, but I do not have the ability to do that alone.

If I were to think of you, which it’s best for me not to do, and if I were to think about what today is, I still wouldn’t text you. Wishing your ex happy birthday is for pussies. But that’s only if I were thinking of you in the first place.

Beautiful Creature Love, I’m barely writing this at 1:06am sitting on my porch in the cold. I haven’t the faintest idea when your eye’s will stumble upon this. I never viewed you as “unprofessional.” To me, since sitting there and watching you. You portray a real pioneer to me.

Your gentleness, politeness, and mannerisms are very professional. You do hold the reigns a bit at the slightest amount of fun. I’ve viewed you when you take part in the fun with others, but you won’t fully lose yourself into the fun.

If I was sitting across from you and caught your eye’s, I would be raising two thumbs up like “Siskel and Ebert” and say to you, “You can do it!” Just like “Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider.” You’re just doing what any other person working the daily grind has to do to make a living. I can’t believe that I have worked over 13 jobs in my lifetime. I wasn’t trying to score for 13 nor be proud of the number 13. Surviving a chaotic life that just happened without my asking for it.

I thank the heavens above that I have been able to accomplish what I have been able to accomplish. I feel as if I have retired 13 times in order to journey and venture off somewhere else. I understand that I exist here in this big giant earth still walking where ever my tired feet may take me. I’m glad that you have become part of my reason to keep walking just like “Forest Gump continued running until he tired.” Tired feel’s like nothing as long as I know that you’re around having hope. Brave together and brave forever…

I scared a mysterious lady out of her flip flops as she came up on my stairs to leave a Town Hall meeting flyer in my mailbox. I was putting up Halloween decorations. I just saw a female dark silhouette walking up towards me at great speed approaching my stairs with urgency. I was crouched down low very dramatically behind a blockade that I made on the lower part of my chain link fence hidden under some poorly lite street lighting. The lady only saw my face and teeth freaked out and said, “Oh! Shit!!!” She almost fell down my stairs.

She asked me what I was doing there? I just stood staring back at her with a grin less than a minute. I was already cold and could barely spit out the words, “Halloween decorations.” She spoke to me in Spanish and then in English inviting me to join the Town Hall meeting happening at her church. She handed me a flyer and said, “Happy Halloween!”

I took a look at the flyer and read that the flyer was talking about being brave and let everyone’s voice be heard in preparation to sue the company Lineage for the fire back in June 2026. Yes, this conflict did cause some health issues with some of us. But all I could think… I just wanted to laugh at how I scared the mysterious lady out of her flip flops. But, then she scared me because she could probably go trying to sue me later for being on my property and almost taking a tumble.

“The young woman your honor scared me out of my flip flops with her face. All while becoming part of her Halloween decor! She’s the reason I ate shit!”

As the cold winter set’s upon us all. I’m slowly putting my short’s away and pulling out my Onesie’s to go sleep whenever. Although, I prefer wearing long baggy shorts that cover over my knee’s in public. It’s different for me at home to be in short shorts.

One night ago, I complained about the temperature in my house being sub zero cold and asked my mother if we could put the heat on up north. My mother said jokingly, “Well put some more clothes on and stop walking around the house naked!” One of my older brother’s heard what my mother said and decided to mess with me yesterday because I mentioned being cold, again.

My brother approached me in the kitchen while I was making a fresh pot of hot coffee. He stood standing in front me and suddenly hiked up his pajama pants and said, “Well, gee…I don’t know why I’m so cold. Maybe, if I wasn’t wearing these short shorts” all while prancing around like a silly confused person. I couldn’t help but laugh at him.

I have still been out of my mind since last September but still maintaining my sanity as much as I can at reasonable pace. My head still hurts from ramming it into the edge of an open covered kitchen door. And the job searching has still been a peach. They want to drug test me…I think that’s a good sign.

My older brother took a hike and invited me and my mother along to this beautiful area with an endless trail decorated with Halloween decor. I felt like I was in another place that seemed so vivid. I will definitely be looking forward to see the decor for Christmas time. Definitely a great D-Stressor till I got lost in the field of tumble weeds and had to find my way back out driving through total darkness.

It’s colder than a mother trucker. But, I tolerate the cold better and sleep better as long as I think of warm thought’s of you after having two shot’s of whiskey!

P.S Love…hope you love the sounds of darkness. Love you… Hope things work out and I get to see you soon…Will see… Finger’s and Toe’s crossed…

Haunt Your Ear’s
Cliff Richard - Devil Woman
Van Halen - Runnin’ With The Devil
CLASSICS IV - SPOOKY
Smashing Pumpkins - Ava Adore
Golden Earring - Twilight Zone
Falling In Reverse - God Is A Weapon (f. Marilyn Manson)
Screamin’ Jay Hawkins - I Put A Spell On You
Ozzy Osbourne - Let Me Here You Scream
Metallica -Enter Sandman
Falling
Blue Oyster Cult - Don’t Fear The Reaper
Harry Belafonte - Jump In The Line
AC/DC - Highway To Hell
-DK

i’ve been thinking

i don’t want to keep throwing glitter

i just want to talk, like we used to

you’re a brick wall

i won’t knock you down

the glitter will wash away eventually

Many many years ago I was gifted a coffee mug that says “gratitude is the memory of the heart”. It’s been so long now that the name of the person who said the quote has been stripped away through multiple washings and I can now longer recall who said it.

It’s such a beautiful sentiment, isn’t it? And truthful too, no? It reminds me of another quote, she “treasured all these things and pondered them on her heart.” It’s another beautiful expression serving as a reminder to hold onto the good things and remember them with gratitude as an act of defiance to the usual chaos, uncertainty, and everyday hardships that make up a life. In this way, we can slowly begin to build a quiet receptive faith that keeps the heart from turning bitter.

I try to do the same. It’s been quite the journey, no? When I first came to this subreddit, I had no idea that I would be leaving port. I didn’t even realize that before that I was standing on solid ground. I also had no idea that I would be like a crew person on Magellan’s first circumnavigation. The waters have been rough. At times, I’ve shockingly survived heavy fire while confronting casualties. Certainly seasons have been focused solely on survival. When the going gets tough, I try to carve out time to remember all the treasures of my heart and I ponder over them with gratitude. That remembrance serves as a shield.

I’m grateful for this experience with you. I’m grateful for you.

“Maybe the saddest part“

Is All this time we had a part

“is that I know I need to let you go”

This love I have I couldn’t show

“even if you were never mine to begin with”

believe‘n words i aint applying what is this

I’d probably take back things I said.

I always have to prove things to you.

Not good enough I see. Always this.

Never say the right things.

Angry.

Hurtful.

Confusing.

Hateful.

Gotta work on timing lil momma I need some sleep I don’t know how long I can run on a couple hrs of sleep a night I love it but damn I’m tired you wear me out in the best ways

I replay this day in my head quite a lot, it's the day that now looking back on I realise is where I should've known that I was just being used. When you said those 3 words and smothered me with affection even knowing it's something I've been starved of my entire life, you did it anyway and I feel like such a fool for believing you.

Is it possible there was even a hint of truth in there? Or am I just delusional? In some ways I'm glad all I have to remember you by is a hat, I think an actual picture of us together would break me even more now.

God I have missed her. She called me randomly… then all of a sudden all of these memories and feelings and pain all came rushing back. She is different than any one else though. In all of my time of people I have cared about none was like her…. A girl. I have had many girls that were friends and I have cared about each one differently… but her I loved her… even tho I have never been that way. I mean I have done plenty of things over the years but I have never wanted to devote my entire being to a girl. I mean I have had many boyfriends. And not a single one worked out. I always had twisted feelings every time I was in a relationship. Then after so long I would become disgusted with them…. But I never did her. Every day turned into weeks and months and it went by so fast. I looked forward to every moment I got to spend with her. And I put in effort hoping she would see me. But she did not. Her focus was else where. And after awhile it really began to hurt. So I did what I do best and I began talking to someone else. I chose that someone else over her.. I think it hurt her and then we hurt each other. The saddest part is that that someone else never ended up choosing me in the end. I did that for what? To end up alone…. Again… I chose him over her… because She was hurting me… but what if I was Hurting her and I didn’t see it. I was so blind by my own selfish choices that I didn’t see that she was right here. And then once we stopped taking. She left. Kinda crazy how that works..

I just know I miss her so much. I haven’t been the same since she left. Hearing her voice was like… going to the beach and walking in the sand barefoot. While there is a sunset…. If only she missed me the same way.

I hope You have n amazing Birthday 🎂 🥳 🎉 & I hope You have an amazing Day. I just wish i could be spending the day with you 😔 I Love Ya Kaylee 💗

• William ♥️