I am 36M, turning 37 soon. My bırthday is on the 24th, less than 2 weeks from now. I am dreading my 37th bırthday and feel like I do not want this bırthday at all.

I feel awful and hopeless. Just wanting to talk, as I have no friends and thus no support system whatsoever.

I feel like i don’t know empty. Lonely. A void. I have a headache. My sleep schedule is messed up. I feel like a failure. Months of preparation for my admission exam destroyed my mental health and even after all that, I might not get admission to a good med uni. I don’t know what to think or do.

At times, the sadness is too empowering. I don’t know what to do to solve it. I don’t have many friends because most of them went offline after exams and didn’t come back online. I honestly don’t know what to do to feel better on average. The things I used to love I have no interest in anymore. I don’t know how to recover. I feel…..lost.

I don't even know where to start writing this. I've been keeping so much inside for so long that I honestly don't know how to put it into words anymore.

Lately, everything has been feeling heavier than I can handle. Every day feels like another struggle, and I'm exhausted from trying to act like I'm okay when I'm really not. I feel so alone, even when there are people around me. It's like nobody really knows what goes on inside my head, and I don't know how to explain it to anyone.

I'm tired of waking up every day feeling the same emptiness. I miss the person I used to be. I miss feeling excited about things, having something to look forward to, and feeling like my life actually means something.

I just want to sleep for once and never want to wake up ever again. I just have this feeling in my head.

If you've ever felt this alone, or if you simply have the time to talk to a stranger who's struggling right now, I'd genuinely appreciate it:)

I started doing it a few days ago. I was cleaning underneath my bed. I was trying to reach something at the end and I found myself in the middle of the space. It felt huge. It felt vast. It felt safe.

Got this bedframe a few months ago by mistake thinking I was going to use the space underneath as space for my stuff but didn't really end up putting a lot of boxes or bags. Didn't expect I would end up like this after all these years of trying to deal with my issues.

I feel like this is absurd but so far I feel at ease. Anybody else feel the same? Save me if not.

Throwaway. I know I was stupid and I don’t need anyone else telling me where I went wrong, I know that but this has been stressing me out for like over half a year.

I was in desperate need for money and I posed on Reddit for advice. A guy messaged me saying that he would pay me for nudes. At first I didn’t wanna and asked for payment upfront, but he convinced me that he wasn’t comfortable because he’d been scammed before. I was really desperate and I wanted to believe that things would get better. I have never sent nudes to anyone but my boyfriend. He’s the only person I’ve ever even kissed.

I have nothing against sex work but it was never ever something I would have considered had I not been desperate. We get on telegram and he’s asking questions like he wants to get to know me and then the sexting starts. He’s asking for specific poses and stuff. I send them. I feel physically ill the whole time. Then we get to the end where he says he’s gonna cum soon and then boom the whole thing disappears in a fucking thanos snap animation. It felt like I was being mocked. I started flipping out and I texted him on Reddit, he said that all the pictures had been deleted in telegram. Then he blocked me. It’s been over a year and it still keeps me up at night, he’s never reached out.

I keep wondering if one day these pictures will come back and bite me and ruin my life and I haven’t felt normal or okay ever since. I feel disgusting in my body and not like myself. I don’t want to look nice or wear the things I used to wear. I don’t want to be seen anymore.
Thanks for reading.

Edit for paragraph spacing

I feel as though that all my life with the memories I’ve held have always been the ones where I always been ugly not physically but emotionally. It feels sad to only be able to know how ugly, selfish and angry person I am. And the more I think about it, the more lonely it feels, even though there are people out that have also felt this, but for some reason it’s still lonely. maybe it’s because even though people know this lonely feeling, it maybe hits different because I’m feeling and experiencing it. It’s also the fact that you know u could have treated your friends, family, and acquaintances a little bit better. But it just wasn’t your day, and you let ur emotions get the better of you on a human level. It’s crazy how easily people’s minds forget all the good that they have done and only focus on how much they could have been better, or maybe that’s just me?😭
Sorry if my English was terrible, I wasn’t really thinking about it as much as I was thinking about getting everything out my mind.

I’ve been posting frantically all over the internet tonight plus texting numbers on my phone.

Of course no one responds
They might check my message but don’t respond or just open it and it looks like they read it

I’m struggling mentally and it is triggering my medical— specially brain and nervous issue

It’s about me
It’s about a guy that has been my friend for about a year and a month

I’ve typed about this so many times tonight.

Please just reach out to me.

He’s been making me feel like shit about myself and it feels like cat and mouse

It’s more complex than just “well just don’t talk to him”

What he’s saying and how he acts a lot more lately ..
it’s messing me up
And I don’t feel it’s only his vision of me
And I know—
“It shouldn’t matter what others think”

If you know more, you’ll know it’s beyond these simple quotes notions

My family is homeless. My mom left her purse in a Walmart restroom, and when she came back, the $1200 in her purse was stolen. There’s no hope for recovery or a police report.

It frustrates me that the person who took it probably thought they needed it more than my mom. She is nearly 70 and working herself to death as a teacher making only minimum wage while being homeless.

She keeps texting me that she is depressed. I can’t do anything because I am in college.

The only people who give money are other struggling people. Why do I give my last dollars to the homeless people outside the grocery store while rich people pass by them like nothing? This world is greedy and fucked up. Fuck this.

im in univeristy, i used to be a gifted kid, used to be smart, i dont know whata wrong with me.. i failed another chem test.. i studdied so hard i did amazing on the practice tests.. i studdied for 3 hours before the test and the secnd i looked at that stupid packet? i forgot i forgot everyting. im pre med and i have to minor in chem.. i feel like an idiot...this ONLY happens with chem.. what te fuck is wrong with me.. im gonna lose my scholarships and my future.. im doing all i can and its not working..

A lot is happening in my life and right now i really feel like throwing in the towel.

I work long hours in a job that helps pay the bills, that I had left in the past to pursue something better. That turned out to be hard and difficult but still did what I could. Then had to go LDR with the love of my life, after we planned our trips, our future named our daughter, to be given a formal neutral message on my birthday after 5 years together. Dealing with a depressed mother, siblings not interested, father dead. Bills piling up, projects on hold and now I come to find out my beloved dog has cancer and is in recovery with slim.chances of making it.

I have always been a good person, kind and caring and now I feel I am being torn apart from my very soul.

I just wanted to vent here...didnt know where else to go