Well, I like to draw. As I was getting ready to sleep, my mind started wandering. I’m not really someone who has many friends—and if I do, I’m likely their only option. I’ve been part of groups of three or five—which was, well, not great—and while I had some good times, I also had some really bad ones. Anyway, as I lay there, I wondered: why do I even draw? Who could I show my work to—someone who might say something nice about it? I do have friends, but honestly, they don’t really care about anything I do; that’s just how it feels to me. I also have friends online, but lately, they’ve stopped talking to me. I used to feel happy chatting with them after coming home from class. I’m still feeling down, and I find myself crying... there’s more to it, but I’d rather not dwell on those things, haha.

It's coming up on three years since I experienced a major traumatic event .

This is the first year I have the opportunity to take a moment to reflect on it. One year after it happened, I had just come back from a long trip abroad which I was still processing. Moreover, I was still in the thick of it. The process wasn't over, I was still trying to contact the perpetrator legally, to understand what had happened to me and why, to get some sort of closure. On the two year anniversary, it was my grandfather's funeral. I didn't have time to look back, I had to focus on a different grief and be there for my family. This year, however, I have space. And the subject has been looming in the back of my mind, like dark clouds rolling in from afar at the end of a warm, bright summer's day.

I still don't fully understand why this happened. I've accepted the fact that it happened, I've gotten past blaming myself for it, I've gotten past wanting revenge. The event itself is in the past for me. There are just a few difficulties I'm facing while trying to move forward.

Some trust issues linger. The term "trust issues" can mean different things to different people, so I'll try to explain how they manifest in me. I have a hard time feeling relaxed around people. Especially if I'm alone in a room with one person, and moreso if that person is male. I'm constantly, both consciously and subconsciously, trying to gauge who would have the upper hand if it came to a physical altercation, and whether I'd be able to make it out of there unharmed. Even with people I've been friends with since childhood, the people I trust the most in this entire world.

It also manifests in other ways, in general conversation with colleagues or other people I meet.I feel like I've changed a lot in that regard. I used to be a lot more open, more empathetic, more willing to listen and see someone else's point of view. I feel like I've lost a bit of who I used to be, which also I had made my peace with.

What I didn't expect though, was for part of the old me to come back. Especially not this much of it. That has been a real surprise this year. The will to be open and understanding, and to feel connected to others, is still there, as strong as it's ever been.

Where I'm at now is trying to balance this want for connection and empathy with the nervousness and fight or flight response I still feel in any social interaction. It's a continuous process of learning, of trial and error, taking a break from it, and then trying again. Trying to find a space in which I can exist, being part of a community, of a network of people, without having to feel scared of them.

relationships have been rough recently. something that came to my mind was, "i wish i can tell you that you are important to me. but if i dont have the capacity to fight for you, how can that be true? how can i tell you that you are important when i cant fight for you right now?"

About a year ago, I (48F) ended a one-year relationship with my boyfriend(51M). He didn’t take the breakup well, and things escalated to the point where he began stalking me and making me feel unsafe. I eventually had to get a protection order against him, which expired last month.

Recently, he’s started reaching out again through “anonymous” texts. He even got a second anonymous number to contact me after I didn’t respond to the first one.

So, naturally, I decided to put his communication skills to the test with the exchange below.

And yes, I used ChatGPT to help polish some of the finer details of my responses. I figured if he was going to keep finding ways to contact me, I might as well make the conversation entertaining.

His first text:

Loser can’t even figure out how to do your own taxes a grown ass women surprised you can tie your own shoes

My text response:

I feel this version communicates your intended message far more clearly and articulately. You’re welcome for the grammatical refinement.

"It is genuinely astonishing that a supposedly mature adult woman is apparently incapable of navigating the relatively commonplace responsibility of preparing and filing her own taxes. Your apparent deficiency in basic life skills is so profoundly perplexing that one might reasonably question whether you possess the cognitive capacity to perform even the most rudimentary of daily tasks. Frankly, given this remarkable display of incompetence, I find myself genuinely astonished that you have managed to master something as fundamental as tying your own shoes. Your shortcomings are not merely concerning; they are an extraordinary testament to the depths of your ineptitude."

Thank you for choosing Sass & Syntax™: Professional Grammar Correction with Attitude.

You have received your complimentary text refinement. We hope you found our services both enlightening and mildly humbling.

For continued access to our premium proofreading and eloquent insult enhancement services, you may enroll in our annual subscription for the modest fee of $125.00 per year. To proceed, simply reply YES. Your imaginary credit card on file will be charged within three business days.

If you prefer to decline, please reply NO, at which point your contact information will be forwarded to our sister company, The Institute for Social Decorum & Basic Human Interaction™, where you may explore our highly recommended courses in etiquette, civility, and communicating without sounding like an uneducated garden gnome.

Thank you for your interest in personal development. We look forward to serving your grammatical and interpersonal needs.

His text response:

So you agree you’re a dumbass

My text response:

Welcome to Dumbass Daily™: Your Daily Dose of Other People's Bad Decisions!

Tired of feeling like you're the only person who occasionally makes questionable life choices? Do you sometimes wonder if you're the dumbest person in the room?

Well, worry no more! For the low, low price of $299.99 per year, Dumbass Daily™ will deliver one glorious dumbass confession directly to your phone EVERY SINGLE DAY! That's right, folks. For less than the cost of a regrettable impulse purchase, you can enjoy a full year of other people's spectacularly stupid decisions.

To get you started, we're throwing in our TOP 5 DUMBASS MOMENTS absolutely free!

Dumbass Thing #1: The Dinner Disaster

Randy reports that he once took a woman out to dinner. Unfortunately, by the end of the evening, she was wearing more of Randy's food than he had actually consumed. Apparently, Randy believed chewing and talking were a team sport. His date did not appreciate the performance.

Dumbass Thing #2: The Pet Incident

Steve reports that during a particularly difficult time in his life, he wasn't paying attention and accidentally ran over his pet with his vehicle. We have no further questions, Steve. We're just glad you felt comfortable sharing.

Dumbass Thing #3: The Cabinet Catastrophe

Dillon reports that he spent YEARS working on a cabinet for a friend. YEARS! Then, one night, he got mad, threw the entire thing down, and smashed it to bits. As a bonus prize for his outstanding decision-making, he also managed to get the biggest sliver known to mankind lodged in his hand. Congratulations, Dillon. You played yourself.

Dumbass Thing #4: The Tire-ible Drunk Driver

Henry reports that he was so drunk one night that his driving skills apparently packed their bags and abandoned him without notice. His spectacular performance behind the wheel resulted in TWO brand-new tires the very next day.

We're not sure where he was going, what he hit, or how he thought getting behind the wheel in that condition was a good idea. But we can confidently say the tires had a worse night than he did. **

Dumbass Thing #5: The Ex Who Just Won't Take a Hint

Victoria reports that she dated a guy for a year before deciding she'd had quite enough of that particular adventure and ended the relationship. Understandable. Sometimes you realize you've made a mistake, and you correct it. That's called personal growth.

Unfortunately, this gentleman apparently missed the chapter on accepting rejection.

Heartbroken by the breakup, he proceeded to reach out to Victoria through multiple forms of communication. Each attempt was rejected. And then rejected again. And then, just in case the universe had somehow scrambled the message, rejected some more.

Eventually, Victoria began feeling unsafe and sought help from the authorities. After that, she finally got a whole YEAR of peace and quiet!

A YEAR, folks! Twelve glorious months of not having to deal with someone who apparently believes that "I'm not interested" is merely an invitation to try a different communication platform.

But wait! In a spectacular plot twist worthy of a low-budget romantic comedy written by someone who desperately needs therapy, our determined contestant has returned to disturb Victoria's hard-earned peace.

That's right! After an entire year of silence, he apparently looked at 365 days of nobody asking him to make contact and thought, "You know what this situation needs? More me!"

And so, he has earned today's Dumbass of the Day award for his outstanding commitment to ignoring boundaries, misunderstanding rejection, and demonstrating that time apparently heals nothing when common sense is missing.

Will he ever move on? Will Victoria ever get another uninterrupted year of peace? Will he discover that blocking, rejection, and requests for no contact are not part of an elaborate scavenger hunt?

Only time will tell!

Until then, Victoria, we wish you peace, quiet, and a phone that stays blessedly free of unsolicited nonsense.

And to our award winner: Congratulations! You've managed to turn a breakup from a one-time event into an ongoing demonstration of why it ended in the first place.

We'd say better luck next time, but perhaps the best next time would be learning to leave someone alone when they've made it abundantly clear they want you to. ***

Thank you for taking advantage of Dumbass Daily™!

We have loads of brave, questionable, and occasionally deeply concerning individuals contributing their stories every day, ensuring you'll never run out of reasons to look at your own life and think, "Well, at least I'm not THAT dumb."

Your subscription will renew annually at the low price of $299.99. To confirm your subscription, simply type YES. Your credit card on file will be charged within three business days.

To decline this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, type NO and continue making questionable decisions without our professional assistance.

***We'd like to thank Henry for his contribution to Dumbass Daily™ and remind everyone that drinking and driving is dangerous. Please leave the driving to a sober person. Your tires, your bank account, and everyone else on the road will thank you.

Disclaimer: Dumbass Daily™ is not responsible for any injuries, financial losses, relationship breakdowns, property damage, hedgehog-related tragedies, tire-related financial disasters, or other unfortunate consequences resulting from attempting to recreate any of the dumbass activities described in our messages. Stories are for entertainment purposes only. Drinking and driving is dangerous, and unwanted contact after rejection is not romantic persistence. It is a failure to respect boundaries. Please do not take any of this as a challenge. We know some of you will anyway.

Wierd, I dont know why he never responded....😉😂

I haven't been reading much books for months now.

You know how reading can be like. Atleast for me it takes more effort than watching a movie passively would.

There are some great PNR books I used to enjoy as a teenager. I felt to read that genre again. It's been so many years since I last read them I think. I don't know. I didn't give much thought to genre names and read for the fun of the plotline. So may be I did read them. But from what I remember the last time I read them last must be in 2020.

But books were not just fun for me. Looking back I see that I got very attached to the book universe and would even feel something like grief when a book ends. I would immediately try to find a good book again as a teenager.

I think dysfunctional family, not having good role models lead me to lean on books. In some ways I don't see this as a light thing now that I am an adult.

I wish I hadn't had to depend on fictional characters for what is good and bad. Or that I didn't get so attached to them.

I am not anymore. I don't think so. But as I considered reading a PNR book, the memory washed over me like I am still right there. The way reading books helped me dissociate. How I didn't like that dissociation but I didn't know what else to do.

I felt like I would get sucked in again if I read books that reminded me of that age. God it really was a dark lonely age for me. I can't be grateful enough for unearthing myself from everything and working on healing.

It would feel like I am separate from the world, and everything is darker or blurrier. Like a veil between me and the people around me. It also has a taste like nightmare.

Nowadays when something sucks me in like that, I try to put it down, and push me to do other activities. To talk to people around me. Go for a walk.

I don't ever want to lose touch with reality again. I also try to remember that even if I do get sucked in and dissociate without meaning to, it will pass.

I will be okay. But it definitely scares me. I have all these important things to do and fear dissociating. But at the same time I tend to have a curiosity that can seem like masochism. I am curious about rewriting this experience. To reshape this for myself.

It has been a sleepless night, so I just finished playing "Call of the Elder Gods", sequel to "Call of the Sea". Now I feel awful. The choice I decided to make at a crucial moment gave me an ending I didn't want. I went back, made the other choice that I deeply felt, and got closure for both the main male character, Harry, and myself over two games.

I felt so rotten that I uninstalled the game after I finished it the second time. I was so disgusted with myself. I wish I could erase the achievement. Yet it sits there staring at me like some magic mirror gate of self reflection and when that happens, I learned from the Movie "the Never Ending Story"; when I see mirrors like that, I walk into them.

So why did it make me so upset with the choice I made? It’s because I empathized with the main male protagonist, Harry. I have been dealing with feelings of grief and loss. I feel I am watching someone slowly age, sicken, and wither just like he did, only it's my Dad.

I needed the closure the alternate ending gave as much I feel he did. I needed the atonement for Harry's past guilt. I needed more information, more understanding. I didn't get that with my original choice.

I realize that the choice I did make, reflects a part of me that has somehow given into the despair of loss. However, as I sit here writing with tears streaming down my cheeks, I’m wondering if there is more to it than that.

There have been other people in my life, people I cared about that passed away and yet, I never cried for them. I just didn't feel sad, I didn't feel numb. Just flat, empty of emotion. It happened and they were just “gone”.

I wonder if I suppressed these emotions on an unconscious level and now that I am in my Dad's last years, he is the catalyst for all of that hidden grief. I try not to let it get to me, but there are times where dark, sad thoughts swirl in the periphery of my mind and I end up crying. It's been like this for the past year and I am tired of my intuition screaming.

I already almost lost him twice. The second time recently. I got a taste of the logistics of dealing with that. Not the emotional one. I was dealing with what I could do in the situation, which was the best thing to do when a crisis hits: think first, feel and process it later. 

I have already thought about all the logistics and complications. I was tired of sleepless nights worrying about what I was going to do. I have a plan and a list. I just don't have the money to do it. The house will need to be emptied, the car sold, accounts closed, titles transferred. I will have to move after that. Luckily funeral arrangements have already been prepared and are covered. So I don't have to worry about that headache.

The part I feel that I am still most unprepared for is the mental stress and emotional anguish. We've had a close relationship most of my life. He has been supportive of me and a good friend as much as a Father.

I am determined to learn from this. I will nurse that part of me that has given into despair back onto its feet. I am not certain how yet, but I am at least now aware of it. I will make the stronger choice when the time comes.

One of the odd things for me posting online is that people assume I am a male. I only blame myself for this. I was being creative in the creation of my Name Kuro (black) Rosu (rose) without realizing that Kuro is a common Man's name in Japan. I didn't know that until it was explained to me by chance. That I feel is the first mistake.

The second mistake I thought was my Avatar picture. I use a black rose, a visual translation of the name. To me that is pretty neutral which also might cause some issues.

The third mistake might be my writing style. I write in the first person. I don't refer to myself in my stories as being any gender.

So I am left with the awkward moments when I read replies and I end up being addressed as "sir".  How do I politely tell them that I am a "Ma'm" without causing embarrassment and correct the misunderstanding? I am still working on the best possible answer.

So I decided today as part of my journal Entry I would clarify this for the future: I am a woman. 

That aside, I have been having a good week despite coming down with a cold in the middle of it. I have been at home spending most of my time resting. Thankfully today is the first day I feel mostly normal. At least I have been keeping up with my writing.

The more I write, the more I remember, process, and heal. The more I can let go of all the mental and emotional baggage I have carrying around. I feel as long as I can continue to write, listen to music, and burn incense as self care routines, I feel I can battle against the feelings of panic, fear, and exhaustion. 

So today has been a Sunday Funday for me. As I've sat recovering, I have been staying warm, listening to music, and enjoying my day. I look forward to this week and hope to make the best of it.

Excerpt:

Okay so I try to keep this blog positive but lowkey today’s been kinda shitty and I don’t even know why. It was really hard to get out of bed today, didn’t manage to until like noon but that’s better than yesterday :/.

I had a nice breakfast tho. My sister made chocolate scones and I also had half of a grapefruit. I didn’t have lunch since my breakfast was so late and also because there’s lowkey not anything to eat at my house. My family’s been watching lots of football so they had these nasty-smelling sandwiches the other day and today they had BLTs. So yea, not much for vegetarian food… I really didn’t feel like cooking today and I don’t know what I’d even make if I did cook. There are probably some noodles somewhere that I could make, though. Some hot food would probably make me feel better so I should probably do that, but I just had some cereal for dinner. Maybe later. At like midnight or something ≽(◉˕ ◉ ≼マ.

...

Read the rest on my blog: https://rorywrites.blog/2026/10/11/11-october-2026-finished-my-first-zine-3/

It's been awhile since I last wrote. I have been busy with life and sick with a cold. I am not surprised, a lot of people are getting sick already in my community and it's not even late fall yet. After spending a lot of time on the porch, I feel we will have an early winter this year. It's getting cold fast and there is already a frost warning for the next few nights.

As it gets colder, my musical escapades on the porch will have to be modified. If I can afford it next month, I plan to get hand warmers for my shoes, pockets, and gloves so I can keep toasty warm in my layers of thick plushy clothes while I jam out to music.

It amazes me that small trick with the handwarmers has helped me more than once. The first time I was camping at an Medieval Reenactors event when the temperature went below freezing and the second time I was homeless in February with snow and ice on the ground.

The first time was a stroke of genius. I was at a Medieval Reenactors event in Spring. Earlier in the night, I had been at a stone carver's tent and been taught the properties of Soapstone including being used to build stoves and fireplaces. The idea struck me and asked him if he could take a large piece of Scrap Soapstone and heat it over his Coleman lamp vent. Once the Soapstone had been inspected to avoid crystal imperfections, warmed, and placed in a cloth bag, It had become a medieval hand warmer. I was no longer cold and he now had a new business opportunity that he immediately jumped on.

Later as I lay in my nest of clothes, cloak, coat, and mummy sleeping bag on the cot trying to stay warm as the Soapstone grew cold, I suddenly remembered I had brought hand warmers in my emergency kit. Two of them in a pair of socks inside the sleeping bag at my feet and I was comfortable the rest of the night. I stuck them into my boots in the morning to enjoy the last of the heat. 

So when I became homeless due to injury and loss of career, I did the same thing again in the depths of Winter. I made sure my ex and I had had hand warmers in our shoes, pockets and gloves against the palm of the hand for as long as we could afford to. never got sick and most all, never got frostbite.

My creativity, ingenuity, curiosity, and tenacity are qualities I have always loved about myself. They have helped me to tackle obstacles and get out of what could be considered life-threatening situations. 

I am grateful that I read, heard, and watched so many things out of curiosity. It has given me the knowledge I needed to approach these situations.

I am grateful for my ingenuity and creativity when an opportunity arises to use this knowledge. Being able to use pieces of random knowledge, fit it into the puzzle of a life problem, and getting a positive solution has been a boon for me when I needed it most.

I am very grateful for my tenacity. Regardless how dark my life has become at times, I have managed to stand back up and keep going. From the depths of despair and depression to homelessness and abuse, I have refused to give up or give in. 

Whenever I start to feel bad about myself or have flashbacks of bad times, I remind myself of the Soapstone and the handwarmers. My mind always spirals out to other good memories and it both makes me feel better about myself and makes me happy to be alive. It's not easy to do sometimes, but I am glad I have trained my brain to have good flashbacks instead of bad ones all the time.

BLOG LINK: rorywrites.blog
LINK FOR THIS POST: https://rorywrites.blog/2026/10/09/test-grades-the-best-breakfast-burrito-ever-the-acquisition-of-a-table-samhain-preparations-and-ice-cream/

It is about 1:30 PM/13:30 right now, and it’s been a really good day so far (˶◜ᵕ◝˶). In Statistics we just had review time for the test. Then my mom drove me to the college. In History we got our first tests of the year back, and I got 97%, 99% after the curve!! ( ◡̀_◡́)ᕤ It made me so happy and relieved because I thought that I wasn’t going to do well on it since it was a Big Scary College Test. So that made me very happy (๑>ᴗ<๑).

After History I went to German, where we got back our quizzes from last class. I got 100% on that, which is not surprising since it was a very easy quiz but that also made me happy ofc (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶). We prepared for our Boomalang conversations, which are going to be due on 30. October.

Then my mom picked me up because my dad is busy. She had to get to a meeting, so we went to the cafe that I usually study at and she bought me a take-out veggie breakfast burrito and I think that it’s the best breakfast burrito I’ve ever had in my life (っ˘ڡ˘ς). My next class starts at 2:00 PM/14:00, so I guess I will just chill until then.

I’m back. Economics was okay. The teacher had us do this Socratic discussion and that was it. After school my mom and I found this garage sale that had soo much stuff ⊙０⊙. Like there were three guys there and I don’t know how they had that much stuff to sell between them. There were so many boxes of comic books and vinyls, plus some of DVDs and VHS tapes. And there were so many other things too- chairs, gnome plushies, tables, a vintage popcorn maker for some reason, various old video and audio players, etc. It was super cool (★ω★) and also my mom said that the guy does this every year (so is this only one guy’s stuff?… are the others just helping him sell it?… idk). He must have some sort of storage unit or something to put it all.

I’ve been looking for a long time for a little table where I could put altars and ceramics stuff. And I found this one at the garage sale that’s totally perfect!! ♡〰♡ It’s wooden and it has this pretty brownish-purple color. It has three levels and a little drawer. I put my bust and my Totoro teapot from last year’s ceramics class on the bottom level, and the incense burner has been put on the top level as it’s going to be part of my Samhain altar (˶◜ᵕ◝˶). I have not gathered many things for it so far, just a black beeswax candle, a pentacle, and a few crystals basically. I am going to put photos of my grandma and my sweet dog Stella on this altar. I still need to find the right ones, and I need to find frames as well. I think the only other thing it will need after that are some things of theirs. I wanted to put a gourd or two but I don’t have much space. I might swap the incense burner for some gourds, actually. I thought it would be good because it is purple and has a pentacle on it, but since I already have the candle it might be nice to have other things instead… (╭ರ_•́)

I don’t know what I am going to offer my grandma yet. Stella I plan to give a few treats, naturally. It is harder to decide for my grandma though. Maybe a cookie of some kind? I don’t really know what kinds of cookies she liked besides a few store-bought ones, but I want to give her something that I baked. Idk.

But anyways once this altar is built I guess I will post a picture of it on this blog. Also if anyone wants to see the Totoro teapot I guess I could post that as well ₍ᐢ._.ᐢ₎☂. My friends’ mom (well I don’t know if we’re friends necessarily but we are on friendly terms), who is from Japan, got excited when she saw it in the display case and she told me that she and her family went to see the movie in Japan (they go there every summer).

Recently I found the charger for my old digital camera, so I charged up the battery and cleared an SD card I had from a ninth grade photography class, so I am excited to have a real camera again. They are becoming popular again which makes me very happy (˶◜ᵕ◝˶) because I used those things so much when I was a kid and was sad that they went away ( • ᴖ • ｡). When I take a picture of the Samhain altar I’ll be sure to use it.

Like many people, I have been making a transition back to physical media recently. I’ve been collecting CDs and magazines (lots and lots of magazines, see my post from 4. October to learn about that). I’ve been buying more books. I hope to acquire some cassette tapes, in particular that one audiobook cassette of the Hobbit picture book. I used to listen to that every night as a kid ♡(๑•᎑•๑)♡. I had an old ice cream bucket full of cassette tapes and the little books that went along with them, which my mom unfortunately threw out years ago when my cassette player broke. My current CD player doubles as a cassette player, which is really cool (⌐■_■). I feel like it’s so hard to find a cassette player now. Actually, it might’ve been a cotton candy bucket, because it was pink...

I’d also like to get some vinyls, but I’ll have to wait until I get my own apartment to do that because there’s definitely not enough space in my room for a record player. I’d like to collect Marvel comic books too, but I don’t even know where to begin there… (𖦹_𖦹)

Well… that was a lot of side quests. Back to my day. After the garage sale we went home, and I cleaned the new table and set things up a bit, and since then I’ve basically just been… writing this ɿ(◉◞◉)ɼ. My family is having chicken for dinner, so I am not sure what I am going to have yet (I’m vegetarian btw, if you couldn’t tell). I might make some noodles or something. Actually I think I might have some leftovers somewhere… Okay, I’m going to go downstairs now. I’ll update this in approximately two hours (˶◜ᵕ◝˶).

I’m back ( •̤ ֊ •̤ ). There were, in fact, some leftovers, so I ate those for dinner. Then my family and I went to get ice cream (っ˘ڡ˘ς). I got a scoop of Halley’s Comet, and now I’m listening to my Happier Than Ever CD because the flavor reminded me of it.

I think that after the album finishes I will watch a movie and then go to sleep. I’ll see you guys tomorrow ヾ(＾∇＾).

I had a rough day yesterday. it always is when a world view of mine gets shaken.

having left my abusive home now continually updates my world view.

it's like how you may imagine an uprooting hurting the tree.

i am realizing that i dont need to have career that primarily helps people. i had not just wanted to but thought that thats the path i should take. that earning money when it doesn't help people genuinely is me being a bad person. turns out that isn't how that is measured.

it still feels strange thiugh because for so long i had a certain set of beliefs. but now that i am actually swimming and not just thinking of swimming, things are looking diff.

i used to want a comfy life. i am realizing now that i may be way to comfort leaning and need to take discomfort causing helpful actions more. Social media influenced how i wanted my life to be. Which i am not so happy about. Honestly i regret a lot of my past years and how i spent it. I didn't intentionally waste it but it feels wasted on unrealistic things. May be one day i will remember what i did learn from then and not just what i regret. I thought i wanted this slow life. Now, idk.

No i did learn. I am just blind to it now and discounting it because things feel overwhelming and i feel the pressure to get acquainted to these new things very fast. The patient person am now is from those years that i fear i have wasted. I know who i am now from those years. I learned to let go off self hateful thoughts during then. I began to set systems that works for me in those period. I even learned that i am not bad at learning, i just needed a specific way. I learned to be firm and not budge on things that matters to me.

Funnily this year has been me learning to be flexible, accepting, not dwelling, not day dreaming and doing in action and not just thoughts. That's basically this year. Doing in action. Which i am not well versed at. Am more familiar with building things in my mind than in the physical world with the eyes of other people on me.

Also i believe that i was actually fragile but was faking being strong in the beginning of my 20s, not knowing what else to do when am suddenly navigating the world solo. But in these past "wasted" years, i met these fragile parts and i built a foundation. That helps me face actual challenges in the present. I can do any of this now because I built safety inside me. I still have harsh critical thoughts but its way better than before. And the challenges i face now are no way easy but i think without this foundation, i would have shattered into million pieces and not just crumbling and recovering like am now.

In general i think and write in a manner where i draw parallels between what i was and what i am to convey things. And even in this entry, i feel it. I am a dramatic person. I enjoy being my type of dramatic. Sometimes loudly, other times dramatic with words and speaking like i am writing in cursive font. It is a flair of fun in my life.

it changes many things. along with me now knowing that i can just have a job, be a kind person where i can be and just earn and support my life.

it feels so strange. my previous plan was that i would get stable in job and then become more involved in community, volunteering and radical movements that i cared for. but now...idk.

i dont know if my care for these causes comes from genuine interest of mine or from this pressure inside me to be a "good person"

truth is, if i didnt have this pressure i would still do those. but I wouldn't feel so intensely severe about it all.

idk. i have a friend who talks in a extremist way. and has black n white thinking when it comes to people's behavior. i used to as well. but slowly i am seeing that I don't like that approach. i see so much grey and colors.

its beautiful but also disconcerting.

i am not sure what i dream of now.

again i had this same question when i stopped being overly empathetic towards everything. i wondered if am vold and not empathetic now. but that's what it can feel like when you come down from 150 percent to 80 percent.

may be this will be the same. although so many elements shaped my life and i perceive them differently now, i am still me. just a bit more calmer and tamed. i really hope that I haven't lost my fire but just the unnecessary and self hurting intensity is what has depleted.

everything is less intense. i still want the same things but not so rigidly. that fierce urgency is not there may be. i dont know what that means.

MY BLOG: https://rorywrites.blog/ :)

Since it’s a Wednesday I had to go to chapel this morning because unfortunately I go to a christian school… which is awkward, to say the least, as a pagan-ish person ●_●. I am officially adopting this term for myself now. If you are wondering what the actual fuck I am talking about, see my entry for 1. October.

Anyways this speaker was there and he talked to us about standing up for each other or whatever and also some other stuff and he had all these ai-generated pictures in his slideshow and like lowkey weird to talk about solidarity while simultaneously using a thing that takes water away from minority communities… (¬_¬ ᵕ) (¬_¬ ᵕ) (¬_¬ ᵕ).

Y’know, I’ve noticed this weird trend where some people will be like, “Oh my ~godd~ AI is really bad and it’s wrecking like so many things- BUT I’M NOT ANTI-AI GUYS I SWEAR I’M NOT.” Like, okay, why not? (ㆆ _ ㆆ) Because you kind of seemed anti-ai a second ago… It’s like they’re afraid that it’s going to murder them three years later if they say anything and like I just find it very cowardly. I am anti-ai. Bam. Said it. COME ARREST ME (•̀⤙•́ ).

Okay, side-rant over (ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ). After chapel I had Statistics, but I had to leave early in order to get to my college classes. History was interesting. Dr. B was back, and we talked about the Greco-Persian Wars ദ്ദി(⎚_⎚). German was good, too. The teacher’s assistant (idk if that’s the right word) taught us. She’s from Germany, like the professor. I like how she teaches the lessons in German; Dr. S uses mostly English for that.

My dad picked me up from the campus and we went to lunch. We went to this ramen place and I got mac’n’cheese which is lowkey embarrassing and made me feel six and like I love ramen I swear, especially this place’s ramen but they make really really good mac’n’cheese and I wanted some comfort food, okay? ಢ‸ಢ My last class was Economics and I mean there’s not much to say about that.

I had to take a break from my chest binder today unfortunately because I was definitely over-wearing it but I’m just so uncomfortable without it (◞ _◟). So today’s been really dysphoric but at least I’ve been wearing a jacket which helps somewhat (._.). Last night after I took it off I noticed that when I turned my torso at all I’d get this sensation in one of my ribs like someone was stabbing it and then keeping the knife there, if that makes sense? Like a stabbing pain but also a persistent one. So, yeah, I decided it was time to take a break. Idk what that was exactly but it seems to be gone now. Hopefully it doesn’t come back when I put my binder on tomorrow…

I should probably do some homework tonight but I kinda want to take a break night so I might just do some laundry, take a shower, write some fanfic, and watch a movie. Have a good morning/day/afternoon/night wherever you are!! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

On the first day of the month due to storm, we had a power outage for 2 days.

No lights, no water, on top of that I WFH and have to record stock inventories so even though it's 7th day I'm still clearing the backlog and didn't get to enjoy weekend 😭

Dear October, please be kind for rest of the month. I'm too exhausted now.

i wish for my head to quiet down. for every thought that comes to be helpful or just passes on. to somehow have the belief consistently and regularly that everything will work out.

even as i face hard tasks and new challenges to have unwavering belief that things will be okay. and also to feel appreciated by me as i conquer new challenges.

for my head to have a reno where being nice to me hells me grow.

right now being mean to myself hurts but at the same time feels calming. i wish for being nice to replace that.

i wish i could redesign my brain. whatever went on to influence me. i wish i could take a year and this was possible and just do this as a project. tinker around and make my brain have coping mechanisms, strategies, protections and things that are actually helpful.

things that will help me grow in life as an adult.

i just mutually distanced from a friendship because one i kind of didnt feel good with her, another because i had way too many triggers when someone got emotionally close with me.

my mind also keeps drifting and i cant focus for extended days consistently on goals i set.

please god give me the power to reshape my brain. without all the pain of individually over months or years rewiring. why does everything have to be hard.

and honestly why did i think things should be easy? why did i want for for a better world. okay i know why. my childhood and teen years sucked and i mistook that it was due to world being terrible. money ruled everything, if it wasnt for that my parents wouldnt be who they were. coz they always blamed their dysfunction and toxicity on financial problems. i saw my mom treat my dad terribly, and i was treated terribly by some others, i thought world is unkind. let me be kind.

it took me to an extreme of wanting better for the world. to ensure none else has to experience such things i did.

but i can see now that financial problems in itself doesn't account for toxic behaviors one carries. at some point its a choice.

i mistook what my small world gave me for what the world is made of.

dont get me wrong, world is peaches and cream. but it isn't what my mind was raised in. i have kind people around me. its not perfect but it isn't continually cruel. world needs to improve but it isn't as cruel as my mind made it out to be. atleast not my present small world.

that disgressed i think. i thought the world was terrible. turns out it was the people in my world who were terrible. not the whole entire world.

This summer felt like a different life. As if I'd stepped out of the real world and temporarily entered a parallel universe. A place where things don't feel so heavy, where worries can be cast aside, and we can just float in the gentle waves of the ocean together, the sun beaming down on us.

It gave me time and space to reflect. I learnt many things about myself and the world this summer. A lot of that has to do with love and romance. I stopped forcing myself to pursue this neverending search for romance that I've been on for pretty much... as long as I can remember. I realized it might not be what will make me happy right now.

I learnt a lot about love, in fact. I realized it isn't this loud, ebullient, unstoppable force of nature. It's not something that once you start feeling it, has to be consumed, and after it is consumed, has to be thrown away, on to the next. It is not a goal to be reached, some sort of magical solution to life that if you do it right, will keep you happy forever. It's not the thing Taylor Swift sings about, nor what you see in movies.

In a way, love is a continuous effort. Or rather, the continuous repetition of many small efforts. In any kind of relationship, there will be moments where you feel uncomfortable. There will be times where the other person hurts you, or you hurt the other person, or act in a way that you're not proud of. Sometimes it makes you feel bad, so bad that you'll feel like giving up on them and not looking back. I think a big part of loving is that when those moments come, you continue. Sit with that uncomfortable feeling, don't run away from it, acknowledge the situation, and think about what you could do next.

This applies to loving other people, but equally as much to loving yourself. The relationship you have with yourself is valid and at least as important as ones you have with others. Besides, another lesson I learnt this summer is that in many cases, loving myself gets easier when I love others and similarly, loving others is easier when I love myself.

Fall crept up on me slowly but steadily. Several small issues started popping up, each of them individually not enough to bring me out of balance, so I continued to push on for a while. Then real life, the daily struggles and the expectations of work caught up with me. Until suddenly, I found myself in the thick of it, with all of it piled up on top of me, feeling utterly alone.

My friends keep leaving. That is a recurring theme. Some of them leave temporarily, for a few weeks, or for a year. Some of them live in other places, close enough to visit them every once in a while, but every time I do, it feels like saying goodbye all over again. And then there are those who leave for good, moving out of the country and across a long distance. And you know the content of what was once a deep friendship will consist of nothing but the yearly birthday text from now on.

I've had difficult times with my family lately. Sometimes they're okay. But sometimes they completely tear down my self confidence, to the point where it feels like I'm that 18 year old girl again, helpless, powerless, alone. I'm still struggling with how and when to express boundaries with them. And I'm scared that I might one day depend on them again.

My future is uncertain. I'll have this job for one more year. I have no real prospects after that. Things didn't go the way I expected them to. Not necessarily the outside factors: I knew that searching for postdocs was going to be hard and full of trial and error, where trial means giving it 100% of your energy every time, and error happens in 99% of cases. What I didn't expect though was for my mindset to change. Whereas 3 years ago I would have done anything to stay in this job, right now I'm not so sure if I wanna give it my 100% again. Maybe not even 70%. There are more important things than my passion for research. I have a life to lead. Relationships to maintain. Goals to reach, and not all of them are work-related anymore.

In the end though, we cannot control everything. We can only do what we can, put in our efforts to love outselves, and let the waves carry us to wherever we end up next.

After like ages I have something to post about and share with the audience. Nothing really too important.

I saw a tiktok or a reel that said something along the lines of you have to record yourself answering 20 questions. And then it gave a prompt to give to AI and get it to give you your 20 questions.

Prompt: If I want to deeply know who I am as a human individual, what are 20 questions you would ask me?

Record yourself answering those without prep, and watch it after 24 hours. What an eye opening experience! I had to delete that video because no one can ever see it. But all in all it was a fun little experiment.

Yeah that was all I had to say, have a great weekend everyone.

That being said, everything I cook tastes like I put drugs in it — it’s addictive. It melts in your mouth. The home turns fragrant. But there’s no standard recipe because I invent one everyday. I use a standard large sized pot. But it’s not enough, I fill it up to the brim with ingredients. I groan and cook because people like my cooking too much and no1 else in the house can cook like I do. Now we ran out of things to eat again. I don’t even think I had enough food for myself for dinner tonight. Maybe it’s time to invest in a bigger pot. Or maybe they’re just hungry. The dog goes crazy smelling the food. sigh.

Also If anyone wants to be friends on LiveJournal I'm new over there and kinda lonely lol; the link to my account is in the pinned post on my profile (idk if I'm allowed to put it here so). Anyways, here is an abridged version yesterday's entry (since I kinda rambled lol):

--

This morning I had to get up a bit earlier than usual because school pictures were today and they wanted all the seniors to be there about half an hour before school started so they could do us first. I have Statistics first and I was lowkey half zoned-out for most of the class because I also stayed up a bit late the night before doing laundry since I kinda forgot to until it was like 11:30 PM/23:30 (⸝⸝> ̫ <⸝⸝).

I'm taking two college classes this year that run mon/wed/fri so I've got this giant gap in my schedule on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and since my school is a 20 minute walk from downtown I often go there on those days. Anyways, after Statistics was over I went to my favorite cafe there and got a brown sugar latte (っ˘ڡ˘ς). And my punch-card was filled out so it was free!! <(˶ᵔᵕᵔ˶)> The place was really crowded so I walked to the library and worked on my homework there.

Also, while I was doing my homework I found this really cool Coraline ambiance video and throughout today I managed to listen to all three hours. I really love that movie- I can't wait for Halloween!! Also, this year's Samhain will be my first as a pagan-ish person so I'm even more excited for that!!

(I say "pagan-ish" because I don't really consider myself religious, just spiritual, and I align with many of the beliefs of for instance Wicca, but still would not call myself pagan as of now).

The college classes I'm taking are World History and German. For History I had to read this article about the rise of the state and the professor's going to be gone tomorrow and Monday. He told us that tomorrow we're going to do this in-class essay on the article which I'm not very worried about. HOWEVER on Monday he said he's going to post this lecture online for us to watch and that I'm super stressed about that because I can't seem to access any of the stuff he shares over Google Drive, this lecture included ( ˚ ∘ - ﹏ - ).

Anyways, at about 1:00 PM/13:00 I started walking back to school. My mom works in the offices there so I ate some SpaghettiOs in her office. Then I went to my Economics class. School got out but my sister had to do some things after school, so I stayed for a while and then got to go home.

I had some leftover pizza for dinner and I've basically just been switching between doing more homework and procrastinating said homework since then, so... (not good I know, but it's really hard to focus at my house because my dad can't seem to shut up for one second so that I can do my homework and he always talks at yelling-volume) (¬_¬).

Now it's almost 10:00 PM/22:00 so I'm going to wait until he goes to bed and then I think I'll watch a movie, I'm not sure which one yet. I've been working on a zine lately titled "Movies that feel dreamy" and I'm not sure if it's the topic that I'm going to go with or not, but maybe I'll watch something that could be added to that. This is my first try at making a zine and it's been really fun so far (˶◜ᵕ◝˶).

first trial day of job

2.5 on network+

second day of job at hypermarket as a chshier. i have done sth really terrible. i caused a lot of damage at the store and now i have to pay a month's worth of my salary to cover it.

just two more. i promise i will write everyday journalling the very same day

this journalling to only have the date and tracking on my reddit is making me crazy

still another day.

I hope i get used to journaling every night before bed.

another day that i don't remeber any thing. but this gives me a lesson that i should do everyday dairy the very night unless i will lose track of days.

I don't know what to say it is 5 days after this date and i don't really remember what i have done.