Hi! since August, I’ve been struggling to work out whether I’m lesbian. I’m feeling really anxious and would appreciate some advice. I’m going to explain my experiences
\\\*\\\*My experiences with men:\\\*\\\*
Throughout my childhood, I was interested in boys and regularly had crushes on them. When I was younger, I remember some sexual curiosity involving boys, although I was obviously very young at the time. I also remember playing video games and trying to find myself a boyfriend, so i could roleplay like a relationship with him lol. I remember feeling flustered during these scenarios.
Around ages 11–12, I would feel giddy, nervous and excited around boys. I would get flustered around them, want their attention and feel jealous or upset if they liked someone else.
When I was 13, I entered a relationship with a boy that lasted around 2.5 years. We never had sex, but we frequently ground against each other, which I enjoyed physically and could orgasm from. I also had sexual fantasies around that age, more so than I do now. Towards the end of the relationship, I started losing feelings as I was noticing other boys.
I also had a significant crush on another boy whom I had liked on and off since I was 11. I wanted to talk to him constantly, wanted him to like me and wanted to be in the same room as him whenever i could. I remember playing footsie under the table with him, which made me feel flustered, and my feelings became more intense around ages 15–16 but unfortunately he didnt want a relationship.
After that, I spoke to a boy from Sweden whom I met online during a time where i had a interest in male snowboarders on Instagram. I really liked him and fantasised about visiting him. I even took compatibility tests to see whether we would work out as a couple. When he ended things, I was genuinely upset.
I then spoke to another boy for around eight months. Although things were toxic and he never really wanted to meet up with me, I liked him a lot and cried over him frequently (horrible guy). When we eventually met in person, I felt extremely nervous. As soon as I saw him, I experienced a sort of dizziness and my attention immediately focused on him. We watched a film together, and I remember holding his hand and rubbing it with my thumb. It felt very sensual and electric to me. Things eventually ended because he wasn’t treating me well.
Later, I developed a crush on a boy in one of my classes. He made me feel nervous, giddy and excited. I remember telling him I had never tried Dr Pepper, and when he bought me one, I felt incredibly flustered and excited. It was such a small gesture, but I remember how strongly I reacted to it. I wanted a relationship with him, partly because I had been messed around before, and I found myself pushing for things to become official. Things eventually ended, and I think I may have been too intense for him.
I was involved with a man I met online, and I liked talking to him from the beginning. We had chemistry straight away, and I remember experiencing butterflies when we messaged. I felt comfortable with him and enjoyed building a connection with him.
I enjoyed kissing, cuddling and being intimate with him, including cuddling naked. I particularly enjoyed receiving physical affection and pleasure, and I could usually orgasm within around five minutes when he used his hands or performed oral sex on me. I enjoyed the physical side of our relationship and looked forward to being close to him.
There were also occasions when we were in public or in a dark space and he stood behind me, held me or touched my bum under my skirt. These situations made me feel aroused and breathless, and I sometimes wanted to grind back against him. I also enjoyed the thought of making him feel turned on. On some occasions, we would be cuddling and watching a film, and I would start feeling aroused and initiate intimacy myself.
I remember another experience at a concert when I was drunk and noticed a man. We kept making eye contact, and I became increasingly aware of him. Eventually, he was standing behind me, and I thought I was dancing against him, which made me feel flustered and aroused. Later that evening, we were walking along the same route home, with him ahead of me, and I remember wanting him to turn around and notice me.
I’ve also enjoyed flirting with men and found it fun and exciting. There have been situations where I’ve noticed a man I find cute and made playful eye contact with him, enjoying the excitement of the interaction and the possibility that something might happen.
Overall, I’ve experienced romantic feelings, butterflies, nervousness and physical enjoyment with men. However, what confuses me is that I sometimes experience immediate arousal-like sensations from \\\*\\\*simply looking at a woman’s chest or bum\\\*\\\*, whereas I don’t seem to experience that same immediate physical response from simply looking at a man.
am i a lesbian?