My current partner was dating a few other people when we met years ago. Since we had a lot of chemistry it didn't make any difference to me but I remember him saying, "I wish I had more time." He wanted more time with his friends, family, partners, time for himself... But he had multiple partners and he was on a second date with me.

During my dating adventures I was at one point looking for more serious relationships and I even put in my online bio, "Before you contact me please consider whether you have time to invest in a new relationship." I had someone reach out to me in much the same situation as the aforementioned person, but this guy had a newborn to take care of as well. He told me straight up, 'I don't actually know when I'd have time but...'

And now I am hearing similar stories from some of my friends. The same people complaining about not having enough time seem to want to collect partners like Pokémon. Or maybe they can't stop themselves?

Absolutely no shade on anyone on any side of this situation. I'm here seeking wisdom.

My questions to the group are, What's up with that? Do you do that? Do you see this happening with your partners or with yourself? Why you do dat? Does it bother you? If this is something you've been through or are going through, what kind of support would you like? Is there another way to look at this subject?

Bloody hell, we worked hard at polyamory but it got to the point where it was too much for me so I ended things. I lost an amazing metamour (we don't talk anymore) and a future life I had pictured very clearly for a very long time.

Looking back, it wasn't polyamory, it was us being too young. I really regret that my ex was the first person I did it with. With everything we know now, if we met now... I think we could have made it work. Maybe not. But honestly probably.

Time is sick. That's life I guess.

The thing is, she is so compelling that even if they’ve never considered poly, they try it. And I’m just here, as her steady partner. But none of them have any background in it and eventually they will buck.

You ever just get out of a long term relationship with one partner & move to a new place by yourself a month ago and then your only other partner at the moment goes on a week long trip with her other partner - and you try and make plans to stay busy on your end but they all cancel last minute - and then your period starts so you’re sitting around feeling lonely & rejected & in pain & like a blob.

Or just me? haha

I have decided to move out from living with my fiancé and her husband/ my meta/ my ex boyfriend within the next 6-12 months.
After 4 years of seeing prescriptive hierarchy everyday between them, and overhearing them make future plans as well as some of my fiancés behaviours around him, girli is tired.

I really would love to build a future with nesting humans, but our futures are now a little miss aligned, and being here I still feel like an afterthought when it comes to future plans with my fiancé, even when I have brought these feelings and needs to her a few times.
Everything seems to revolve around future plans w her husband that im added to after they have already curated a future plan or home reno ect.
(There has been conversations of escalation in out relationship over the past 4 year, but other than a ring nothing has changed/ shifted).

Girl is tired of asking, with no change. Tired of having to manage my feelings most days surrounding this issue.
So I think for my sanity, it is best I live somewhere else.

On another boo note

The same day I started this difficult conversation with my fiancé, my other partner of 2 years, revealed at our check in that he unable do the work to be okay with me seeing other penises.
And I cannot have a romantic relationship with someone who wants a single genitalia policy.
So I know I have to end that relationship soon.

the next few months are going to suck because the AuDHD doesn’t like massive change.
But I think it will be for the best?
I hope 😅

I don’t think I am looking for advice.
I just needed to tell it to other people.
I don’t feel overly sad? I think I am emotionally exhausted? Burnt out ?
I had to put one of my two cats down, 2 weeks ago that I was very attached too, because of a post op complication from cancer in his mouth. And even then I feel sad, but mostly numb.

Man I’m just so tired 😅

I (34f) am dating a man (32m) who is also married. the other evening we were meant to hang out and have our weekly sleepover. he took a bit longer to confirm plans than usual. I called him and he informed me that his wife had just been broken up with. I asked if she needed some company tonight and he paused…. and responded with “maybe later but she needs space to process.” i Did not know what that meant but I did not want to pry. So we proceeded with hanging out. 

we got dinner and were having such a lovely night. And then at the end of dinner, he informed me that he was going to spend the night at home with his NP. 

i Felt a rush of emotion but was able to hold it together and express understanding. I am neurodivergent and really struggle with RSD and chsnge In plans, especially last minute changes. I can get flooded with emotional overwhelm to the point where I freeze and really just don’t/ can’t interact. I felt like I could hold myself together until I got home and was alone, but when I got out of the bathroom, he was ordering food for his wife. So I was stuck in public for longer. 

When I become flooded/ my nervous system kicks into freeze, i Often time don’t want to be touched and will not reciprocate physical touch. Which I was not recipricating his bids for touch. When he dropped me off, I expressed that I was sorry about how I was reacting but really needed to be alone. I could tell he was pained and in a rough position. But I felt like my needs weren’t considered in that situation. I felt like agency was taken away from me in that instead of telling me plans would change when I asked if she needed support, i Was informed at the very end of dinner.

I feel guilty about the position I put them in. 

That’s all, not sure what I am looking for with this post other than needing to share.

edit- I am always taken aback by the perspective I receive in This community. I never feel shamed, and appreciate that! Both the person I am dating and myself are new to this dynamic (been dating about 6months), and we are continually learning in the moment what sort of agreements, communication, and boundaries (for ourselves) are needed for the future. thank You for y’all’s kindness ❤️

My first first date in over 5 years is tomorrow and I’m so excited!!! Me (27F) and my np (28F) have been very slowly and intentionally opening our relationship, decoupling, having conversations for the last year+. I have my first date with someone I met on the apps tomorrow and I’m so giddy with excitement!! My partner is being so supportive and while I can tell she’s nervous, she’s excited for me too.

Just wanted to share some new to poly joy!! Wish me luck!

I have a partner who moved in very quickly with my husband and I after we started dating because of his roommate situation falling apart. Everything seemed great in the beginning and he said he would be doing all the cleaning (and most of the cooking) while he looked for a job.

Well he moved in and he doesn't do litterboxes - fine, we have multiple cats. He's cooked dinner once and helped food prep veggies a handful of times. He vacuumed and did dishes a lot when he first got here but now I have to ask him about it. He also stays up until 6am, sleeps until the afternoon, rinse and repeat. He never tells me when he applies for jobs and I understand the job market is a joke right now but he doesn't seem nearly as motivated as he claimed to be (said he doesn't like to sit at home idly).

He's been here 3 months and between the cleaning and some other things that have happened I'm at my witd end. I want to break up with him but he has no money and nowhere to go.

Am I an asshole?

Like the title says, im so tired of the same situation happening no matter what steps I take. I (25nb) was recently was involved with a guy I met at my job (27m,we'll call him Cola for this rant).

I also currently have a long term, long distance partner (30m, well call him Hanes) that I see every other month or so. I am a very open about the fact that I am with Hanes and that I identify as poly.

Cola and I have been hanging out for a few months now, we've gone out a handful of times and used to text kind of regularly. This past weekend I was out with Cola and we had both confessed feelings for eachother. Things were going very well for the day (we were spending the majority of the day together) and we ended up back at Colas place. We watched a movie, ate some food, and had a nice makeout session. Things lead to another and I did end up being vulnerable with Cola. I stayed the night and had to get up early the next morning, but didnt hear much from Cola that day. He did say that he was taking the day to rest so i didnt text him much.

The next day I reach out to check in and I get slightly dry responses, nothing like one worded answers or anything but definitely more friendly than "hey we just spent the night together for the first time" kind of texts. My anxiety was getting the better of me so I did ask if he wanted to continue pursuing anything romantic with me and I got the response along the lines of "I thought I could be with a poly person but I have jealousy issues and don't think I can handle it" which I can respect in it's own way, better late than never, but I do wish it had been brought up way before.

I will say, it's definitely on me for not asking directly if he was okay with me being poly. I did just assume he had no problem with it since he never said anything against it. He says he got caught up in the moment and was genuinely having a great time with me, hes apologized more than 10x about how he went about it and wants us to stay friends.

Im not sure where my heart stands on it though. It's nothing I can really change about myself and I know that if I were to see him pursue anything romantic with someone else it would hurt. I know exactly what thoughts it'll put in my head and I hate it. The whole "well why cant i just be normal enough for people to want to be with me, if I was just monogamous I could be okay with this"

And yes I feel unbelievably stupid for my emotions right now and how the situation happened. But I will learn the lesson from this, whatever it may be.

BTW this is 99% a rant that I just wanted to throw into the void, but anyone else go through something similar and still be able to stay friends?

So short backstory. I (F49) am working towards a relationship with Aspen (52M), who is married to Cedar (59F). We are all good friends first and foremost, and Aspen and Cedar are working on them first due to some life stressors. Cedar is very aware that Aspen and I want a relationship, and will jokingly call me his G/F to certain family. We are all very quietly poly due to where we live.

I have been having some health issues which have resulted in my needing day surgery. We all live rurally and due to my work I don't do local health care so I choose to go to the capital city for all the big stuff. Now I am very much solo poly, with a very limit group of friends whom I would trust.

I very cautiously asked Aspen and Cedar if they would mind taking me down to the surgery unit and driving me home - knowing that it would take a whole day out of their lives. Cedar immediately put it in her diary, told me to stop fretting and it would be sorted. Now its important to note that neither Cedar nor I are morning people, we need coffee and food prior to being even vaguely polite. So me having to be nil by mouth and a 4am start was going to not be good.

However it was amazing. We drove down in my car, solving world problems and giggling. Cedar stayed with me until I was called back, and her calming presence was exactly what I needed.

When I got back to the short stay unit she was there within 5 minutes, and kept me calm and distracted while we waited for me to be discharged. The ONLY hiccup of the day was her getting lost in the one way streets around the hospital while trying to retrieve me from the pick up area.

We drove back via their place, where she grabbed food and told Aspen to follow us back to my place. We got back to mine, they cooked me dinner, ran me a bath, put fresh sheets on my bed, and yelled at me every time I tried to move off the couch before my bath was finished running. After my bath Cedar braided my hair for me, they made sure I took my meds, and settled me on the couch before they left.

Today I ran out of Neurofen, so Aspen came over after work with a box and some soft drink and cuddles. I realised that to me, this is what Poly is...a built in support crew who all support each other and love and care for each other. It was the first time I felt safe after a surgery since I moved out of home over 20 years ago.

I have potential romantic partnership with a friend who is considering moving across the country to be with me. It's messy. I am looking for help finding language for a feeling I can only describe as, "yuck."

Not a lot of poly community IRL (rural area). I have posted here before, and really appreciate the support.

My friend is married. They and their spouse practiced poly for the last 5 years. My friend spent the summer with me and we became romantically involved, and it was truly wonderful. Summer came to end, as did our romance. They needed to move across the country to finish school. Additionally, they shared with me that they wanted to divorce their spouse. LDR is too hard on my heart and I did not want to be entangled in the divorce process. We decided peacefully, but sadly, to break-up. We both are interested in a potential long-term partnership later if my friend is willing to move after the divorce.

We took some space from communication after the break-up and checked in last weekend. We agreed to talk about a potential timeline, as they will have some decisions in the future after school and want to consider the potential of our relationship. They shared with me that their plan was to live with their spouse for the next three months during the divorce process, spend Christmas with her family, and then start dating me in January.

I had a big, raw reaction to this that I am trying to gently unpack. The decision to live together shocked me - they were previously staying with a friend, and moving in involved signing a lease together. The last time we checked in they intended to live separately.

Of note: their spouse has acted in ways that I see as manipulative at the least, emotional abuse at worst. This is not someone I like or trust.

I know this is not my process, my choices, and we broke-up. I wish my body and heart understood this, but I feel shook. There is a deep feeling of disregard I wish I had language for. When I see this proposed timeline, I feel so anxious the lack of space and separation between the marriage ending and the potential beginning of our relationship. It makes me question my friend's judgement ... I could go on, but really I am curious what you all think. I know there can be overlap between ends and beginnings, but this feels like my friend is denial about the time and space it will take to disentangle emotionally.

So yeah, that's out of my control. The boundaries I shared were continuing to have limited contact, just as friends, with general updates on life but never any details about the divorce process. Milestones, yes. Conversations with the spouse, no. Willing to have deeper conversation once the divorce process is legally initiated and they are living separately. I still like the idea of my friend moving after graduation, but that's an idea, not a promise. Definitely not ready to date in January, but willing to talk. I am focusing on disentangling from this relationship so I can be present with my own life.

The last few days I have been absolutely preoccupied with anger and judgements. I have not shared them, but am taking time to understand them. I shared in another group that didn't have a poly framework and got attacked for being "the affair partner" - looking for a fresher perspective.

And yes - I have good support I am leaning into!

Can anyone relate to experiencing anger and judgement around a friend's choices? What is this deep feeling disregard I am experiencing?

I’m nearly 37 and have ADHD (adding in case helpful for context, but perhaps not!). I’ve been seeing someone for about three years. He’s polyamorous and has a long-term live-in partner, and we recently all had drinks together, along with her other partner. We haven't hung out much until then. They were lovely. They were also quick, funny, could discuss the film we just watched really well and reference all the other horror they've seen, well read, and they all write, and write well. I sat there feeling like the dullest person at the table.

It wasn’t jealousy. I liked watching them laugh together. I just felt inferior and it’s not a new feeling. It’s what I feel in most rooms, be it with friends or a poly dynamic like this (i'm not sure if the latter adds more weight to the feeling). For years my head has been telling me I’m not as smart or interesting as the people around me.

He and his partner both write, and I keep assuming their conversations are better than the ones he has with me, because although I am very curious and interested, I can't offer knowledge back about all the things I don't know but seem so obvious to them.

People tell me I do loads, and perhaps I come across that way through masking or whatever. At home it’s doomscrolling, half-watching TV, and feeling overwhelmed by tasks. I love gardening and yoga but I’m barely doing either. Because I’ve never stuck with anything, I feel like I don’t know much, even about the things I claim to care about, and it feels like decades of lost knowledge I’ll never catch up on.

I know the practical advice: take a class, read something, pick up a hobby. I’m not short on ideas. What I can’t do is override the feeling that I’m at the bottom, and it’s there before I’ve even tried anything. Has anyone battled with these feelings and especially in the setting of a poly relationship?

hi all,

being brief on the details, a few months ago left a relationship of almost five years because she had been sexually assaulting me the entire time. other fucked up things that happened during the relationship included her being accused of SA by a hookup and her leaning on me really heavily for 'i know you would never do that ' kind of support, whole actively doing that to me at the same time.

it was not great!

i am glad to be safe now and hopefully soon receiving specialist support about it but i have been thinking a lot about how different my case is from what the support services are comfy handling (we are both kinky poly people and im ftm and shes mtf) most services ive seen have been so heteronormative and vanilla-monogamy normative its like an alien planet.

my ex is well connected in the local leather scene, frequent at local sex on premises events and currently has other partners. i am worried about her hurting other people but also worried about further risks to myself and whether im thinking clearly or just in the depths of trauma.

i was wondering, for folks who've had to navigate this. how did you separate your ideals and obligations to community and other people vs the reality of actually disclosing/warning people and how risky blowback or further abuse is etc.?

many thanks and lots of love<3

I’ve been crying on and off for a couple of days and need to get this out-- I can’t talk to most of my friends because I’m not out to all of them and I’m afraid of being judged

I have two partners, one of them my nesting partner, and both relationships have effectively ended in the last few months. I’m looking for advice on coping, and maybe on how to repair things without making them worse.

With my nesting partner, in May she told me she wanted to end things. It was a slow build of resentment, and she also wanted to explore who she is after being with me for most of her twenties. We ended things on good terms, but we still live together for financial reasons, so it’s been a strange, grief heavy few months.

We started dating about a year ago. I invested a lot in the relationship, and for a long time it was loving and supportive and safe. Tbh handled the dynamic with my nesting partner really badly, and the insecurity on all sides made it worse. These are the things I’ve covered and owned in therapy:

1.I was defensive when they told me I’d hurt them, so they often ended up managing my shitty reactions instead of us repairing.

1. When I was afraid of losing them, I got angry, I swore, used sarcasm and labels, and sometimes threatened to leave first.

2. I invaded their privacy by looking at their phone, even though I’d promised myself I never would. I found out they were cheating on me, but that doesn't change how bad this is on my end.

3. This same person was someone I asked them to stop talking to happened to be someone they were close to intimately before me. They agreed to it all, but it was still controlling and was purely out of insecurity. Very not poly-secure at all. It was related to kink and scenespace but that doesn't matter.

4. I minimized or joked about health concerns and hard moments multiple times. This was probably the most hurtful thing.

5. I made financial promises and retracted them instead of being real about the fact I couldn't reasonably keep them.

Recently they asked for time apart and said they didn’t want to end things, but they’re clearly angry and hurt. They promised they wanted to stay with me and wanted to be committed to me, but then they sent me a long clearly angry list of things they can’t forgive. I told them I’m working on these in therapy and then kept giving them the space they asked for. We’re still in this in-between awful voidspace, and idk where it’s going. I told them I wanted to be with them forever. I don't know if that's mutual anymore.

In therapy I’ve really looked into how I have an anxious attachment leading to controlling behavior when I feel insecure, overcommitting, and RSD in general. Alcohol made a lot of this worse, I wanna quit that shit forever. I don't wanna shift blame towards the drinking for everything though, cause lot of this happened when I was sober.

I feel remorse, and a lot of shame; I don't feel like a person anymore., I feel like I’m a toxic entity who deserves nothing.

Edit: my earlier post had a lot of identifying info, I've edited it to remove any chance of anyone recognizing them.

i’m not sure if this violates rule two, but i hope not because i need help. i want to expand not restrict.

i know this is a classic issue that you all see. and i know i failed in setting it up how i want it now, in the beginning. i want to preface by saying that we have been dating since we were 14. we broke up for a couple years somewhere in the middle so this isn’t one of those “lost our virginities together and feel stuck” things. and i completely understand where my faults are that got me into this situation. please read before you write this up as a classic textbook case of restriction. it is not intended to be from either of us.

opening our relationship was not a huge big deal of a conversation and really just came naturally to us. when we were around 18, i finally put all the pieces together and realized that i was attracted to women (i suspect my husband knew this long before i did but was giving me the space to discover and admit it on my own). so there was a night where i drunkenly admitted it. flirty conversations followed the next day. he said “i want you to be able to experience your desire to women. you have never had any kind of relationship with a women and i want you to have that femininity you crave in any capacity you need.”

so, we started having conversations about what that would look like for us. the only strict rules that we settled on was no exes, condom always, and clear communication. dating was on the table for us both together and separately. sex was on the table both individually and separately and so on. basically a free for all. i found out real quick how much i loved seeing him and hearing about him being with women. it has genuinely been the best and most fun decision we’ve ever made. and it has been smooth sailing between us as far as issues with it. nobody has betrayed any rules and we have kept it lighthearted. conversations have always been easy and like i said, it just feels natural.. until our last girlfriend almost a year ago, genuinely tried to break us up. so questions about how to proceed followed. i just view relationships with women a lot less safe now because of the manipulation she was spinning. but we’ve bounced back really well from that experience.

now to the issue. a classic one i know. i’m not allowed to do ANY of these things with men. i will be honest, i have a history with SA, so until the last couple years, I myself, have not put my foot down about it because one, i wasn’t even interested and two, being with men had nothing to do with the WHY of the setup. this was for me to explore my sexuality not necessarily to explore with men because i obviously already have experience with it. men didn’t even come up to either of us in the beginning. we were wrapped up in other pursuits. it was never even a thought to me before now. so here we are all these years later, and i want to sleep with other men. my husband is not very happy about this. but his feelings are complex.

because of this i feel very strange. i realized early on that i was just poly. i’ve never been monogamous at all. i really struggle with the idea of that. so i really just feel like at the end of the day he has complete freedom to explore the whole spectrum of his sexuality but i don’t. i am pansexual and so i only have a piece of pie of freedom. it feels like i am hiding a dirty secret. we talk about cute girls all day but when it comes to anyone else it’s not received well. it’s not met with anger it’s just not flirty. i can say i think someone is attractive without issue but it obviously isn’t as lighthearted so i usually just keep it to myself.

i talked to him recently at length about this. i explained that i was struggling with the fact that i “gave” him the freedom to be completely open with anything and everything he desired but i don’t have the same courtesy. not even the ability to talk about it without walking a fine line. i also said, it makes me feel like you don’t see my relationships with women with the same validity as one with a man. and that you don’t actually understand polyamory at its core at all. and i make a point to mention that i have made myself uncomfortable many times. i have taken huge risks to our relationship so many times. i have been unsure how this will impact us so much. it’s time he does the same.

he always says these key things every time i bring this up: that yes he does view my relationships with women as valid and at the same level as one with a man. he understands the risk is the same and has seen it first hand. he brings up that our arrangement was only for me to express my desire for women for my own self discovery and if i wanted it different then i should have said that in the beginning. he doesn’t want things to be unfair. he doesn’t want to make me feel caged up. he doesn’t want me to not be able to express my desires. and he agrees with everything i say about it. BUT he just can’t get past it. he understands the hypocrisy but he doesn’t know how to mentally get to a point where it could be a possibility. and in turn is unwilling to try because he’s afraid that if it is something we try, that it won’t be something we can come back from. which is hurtful. i’m just at a loss because he validates and understands everything i say. he will straight up tell you or anyone “i get it, i understand the toxicity and hypocrisy of the situation, i just mentally cannot get past how i feel and i don’t think ill be able to.” but he never says “never” which excites me and makes me miserable at the same time. and i can’t help but feel like im hurting him by bringing it up.

i just don’t understand. my brain just doesn’t work like that. just as us poly people get the “it’s fascinating but i could NEVER do that i’m too jealous”, i feel the same way just opposite. i can never understand how people could be monogamous it makes ZERO sense to me and that’s why this is hard. here is the problem. i am at a roadblock. it’s either just be okay with how it is. or close it. i’m feeling like i don’t know where to turn. if i stay okay with it, then my desires stay unmet, if i close it then yes it’s fair but i lose EVERYTHING. i just don’t know. if anyone has any profound advice or even questions please help :)) i really am just looking for ways that i can approach the conversation differently or help him feel secure. because he will admit it is 100% his own insecurity and he does want to fix it. he says we can always talk about it so i’m trying my best to be vulnerable and he is trying his best to be understanding. that’s better than absolute no i guess.

Wife(34), husband (40). Some of you might know me from my past comments. So, this is what’s going on. My wife and I are on a “break” to give us some space that we both agreed on. Because we were fighting almost every day. So, we took space from each other but I have a real problem now. Is it ok if we are on a “break” to reflect on ourselves but instead she/we are not. is it ok that she is still seeing her other partner? We are not having any physical connection but she is, I went on a date and lied about another one.(I know very childish of me. You guys won’t believe me but all this have changed my brain a lot). I’m getting very “comfortably numb” emotionally. Sooo, I’m here reading your comments. Thanks!!

My NP is fighting with my meta right now in another room and I am feeling so triggered by what I know about the conflict from meta's side, because they are dynamics he also has with me.

He has BPD and depression and it's so hard to explain to anyone else how hard it is to live with this relationship but also how much I don't want to abandon him and leave him to possibly harm himself or spiral deeper. He has started therapy and meds although still not consistent with them.

But if I can deal with it from my side, just overhearing by mistake him telling meta that "she caused drama" when it's him doing that drives me insane with anger.

I know they want me (and rightly so) not to intervene but I feel like such an asshole hiding in the kitchen while feeling like I want to throw up and make them stop.

Sorry for the vent, I know thankfully most poly people can't relate unless they are very KTP and also have a partner with mental illness, but there is not even a chance that non poly people can get how it can be, so just searching for a crumble of empathy where I can.

Exactly as title says. I have three partners at the minute and this is my absolute limit. Part of my vetting in early days of a new connection has been to date others openly, but I am STRETCHED man. I also don’t think it’s necessarily kind to new folks to date them for the sake of ensuring that newest partner’s primal panic isn’t a red flag relationship ending situation. Also also, I don’t really like early days of dating in general. How does everyone here manage this balance?
For context, my newest partner and I are about 6 months in and while they’re lovely, I don’t yet know how they’ll react to me potentially dating others in the future, but also I’m not terribly driven right now to find out if that makes sense?

I can’t seem to get past this OK so long story short about my poly dynamic. I (40f) have been with my partner (40m) for eight years. He has another partner (3$ f) that he has been with 20 Ish years and I absolutely adore him, but he has a horrible problem with communication/managing time and I’ve told him about this before.

Three years ago he went out of town he told me it was to meet some friends. He then comes back and told me he has another partner. Both me and his primary partner were upset because we didn’t know he was dating anybody and we had said before if we are going to date other people we would like to know or if these is a chance he would me and his primary partner don’t date each other. We just are often on the same page.

Fast-forward to now, he has acknowledge that since he’s gotten his newer partner that he has been a bad partner to me. Talking to me leas to prioritize this one a bit more since she is long distance and not spending as much time with me. We have been a bit rocky for the past year. but he said he wanted to work on it

He threw a wrench in our working on things by sitting me down and telling me he has two new partners. He had hinted at one new partner the week prior and then says he has two. I had no idea he was easy dating anybody or pursuing anybody else so I am hurt. It feels like a violation. It feels like he has been cheating on me which I know doesn’t make any sense in the poly dynamic, but that’s what it feels like one of which he actually introduced me to as a friend. I got a funny feeling about her when we met but let it slide.

He also told me he has multiple friends with benefits, which I honestly assumed he had multiple friends with benefits because he had those when we got together. I’m not as offended by the friends with benefits as I am with these two new partners.I am just incredibly hurt and at this point because i told him to tell me if he starts dating again. He told his primary but not me he says he feels bad because he neglected to check in and tell me and his other partner. I don’t know if I could move past this because again he has acknowledge that he’s been a bad partner towards me in the last couple months and he is adding even more. Instead of
fixing us. I did get a bit distant but i told him it was because i was hurting. So i blame myself. I just don’t know what to do. I’m mostly just need to get this out there.

Am i being unreasonable for being hurt by this? I tell myself we are poly and not to be too sensitive but i am just so angry. Because again it feels oike cheating. A part of me wants to end it, but another is like well….its been 8 years. So instead i’ve set hard boundaries. We were talking about nesting in the future and we were wanting a kitchen table situation but i told him for now we will be parallel and stick to the days he has said he is available for me no more than that as i need to rebuild my sense of self? Confidence? Control? I don’t i know

I am a single queer femme woman. I recently started dating 2 people, who are a married couple, mixed genders, mixed orientations.

How do I approach the issue of consent and spicy photo sharing, where my comfort level is different with each person?

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I have spent time with this couple together and also individually. Individual time has been important to me especially because these two already know each other deeply (10 year marriage) whereas i am totally new. I want to develop true intimacy and get to know each of these people, one on one and as a couple too. we all are expressing love all around. But also, my personal approach is to view each individual as unique.

After a few dates i felt comfortable to share my private instagram with one member of the couple (woman). It is a 18+ account where i personally approve who can follow based on my comfort and safety. It’s not for $, it is personal sexy self expression, mostly me in lingerie pics.

Now the woman (part of the couple) who i am dating messaged me to say:

“Last night husband and I looked at your page together and got so turned on….” (tells me they had good sex and that she was inspired by my photos to take her own sexy nudes)

I am so flabbergasted and I don’t know how to reply!! 😳😶😩

I am uncomfortable with this boundary cross, at not being asked, and also with my pics being used as fap material (which is to be expected but feels disrespectful the way jt was said) and side note, I am coming to realize I don’t really want to hear about the sex they have when I’m not there. it’s also yuck to me that my images were used in a sex session, by people who i am dating, that i wasnt invited to be a part of.

Obviously I can remove and block her off my Instagram page for future. But the damage is done, she already showed her husband. I’m upset and feel icky that my privacy was violated.

My question is… how do I address this in the new relationship? The assumptions she made are kinda understandable but it still hurts 💔

I’m solo poly with two partners, and one partner I’ve been seeing for around 6 months. I expressed recently I want to drop the L like I was in high school lmao and they said they weren’t ready but I could say it if I need too. I expressed I’m not sure I can handle it if it’s not reciprocated. But more and more every day I feel it more and even though I haven’t said it I only have love in my eyes for them. I know it’ll be the best when we have a moment where it hits and we look at each other and say it, but god am I biting my tongue. Thoughts?

Me (28M) and girlfriend (28F) have been on again off again our whole adult lives. We had a 3 year stint until around this time last year. She travels for work and is currently sitting on the other side of the country. We came back together in January, and things were good until she said she was poly. I spent about a month deciding if that's what I wanted, I read, I learned, I talked to poly people, and figured I'd give it a shot. We became official official again in May as we wanted time to really decide if it was for us.

She is currently traveling again for work april - december. She's had partners. I've had partners.There are growing pains, but we are communicating well enough. Today is my birthday, she sent me a gift at work and told me she had a spicy surprise once I got off. It was some lingerie I bought her. She looks soo good in it.

Here is my conundrum. She has 2 giant hickies on her inner thighs, and I don't know if I'm being too insecure or what. I knew about the exchange. I'm just sad that the pictures meant for me have someone else's marks on them. I don't even know if it's worth bringing up, she also told me she is going to bail on a work event to go clubbing with him and his friends on Halloween while I'll be at work, I'm working 60+ hours to have things ready for her return as the plan is ill support her while she has time off. I trust her, and realistically she hasn't even thought about it, but I'm left feeling much worse after that exchange. And I just can't enjoy seeing her like that in this context.

Am I being a baby who needs to work harder on my feelings, or is that something i shpuld bring up? Idk, I love her and won't stop because of this, I'm just quite sad about it and maybe need external opinions.

I've been poly for over a decade. Hierarchy to solo to relationship anarchist. But functionally it's looks solo poly for the last 7 years.

The last time I was truly in love in a relationship, I was 19. I was undiagnosed bpd living in an abusive home and unhealthy latched on to my partner. Codependent as fuck. We were open but not really poly. For health reasons we broke up and it really really shattered me. I dated other people but never felt anything close to that again. Then I was assaulted while I was still a virgin about a year later.

It's been 9 years since then and I've mostly healed and had tons of great relationships and connections with people I loved. But I was never in love with them. It's something I've been extremely aware of that it felt like I couldn't be in love. Like maybe after that breakup or the assault, I stopped being capable of romantic love. But I'm a relationship anarchist and romantic relationships aren't inherently more important than platonic ones and I have people I love who I label as partners and it's entirely platonic. And even the more traditional girlfriend type relationships, I could feel the difference in romantic feelings but I still never was in love with them.

Bringing me to my current partner. We're at 9 months so probably still in NRE, but I'm in love with him. I truly did not think I could feel this way but I do and it's honestly wild. He's not very experienced with poly and is pretty introverted so doesn't really want to meet more people or have other relationships. But I'm finding that all the things I've spent years figuring out about myself are changing so drastically. And I don't know if I want to continue being poly. I don't have any desire to seek out other relationships. I never wanted to live with a partner, solo poly 4eva. But now I want that and we're planning it to happen within the next year.

I know nre and bpd and I know how it feels to become locked in to someone. I'm not new and I know all this. I know what nre feels like for me, I know how to maintain my boundaries around things like nesting. But I've truly never felt this way and I don't know how to orient myself. How do I know if I even want poly or maybe I'll want it in the future and this is just nre? I feel like I'm in uncharted territory and that's so bizarre and I don't even know how I feel about it