I have a partner who moved in very quickly with my husband and I after we started dating because of his roommate situation falling apart. Everything seemed great in the beginning and he said he would be doing all the cleaning (and most of the cooking) while he looked for a job.

Well he moved in and he doesn't do litterboxes - fine, we have multiple cats. He's cooked dinner once and helped food prep veggies a handful of times. He vacuumed and did dishes a lot when he first got here but now I have to ask him about it. He also stays up until 6am, sleeps until the afternoon, rinse and repeat. He never tells me when he applies for jobs and I understand the job market is a joke right now but he doesn't seem nearly as motivated as he claimed to be (said he doesn't like to sit at home idly).

He's been here 3 months and between the cleaning and some other things that have happened I'm at my witd end. I want to break up with him but he has no money and nowhere to go.

Am I an asshole?

About a month ago I F28 matched with a guy (lets call him F) on a dating app. I had a 5 year mono relationship end a year and a half ago and had struggled with my sexual life, before and during that, so I have wanted to explore and been dating a lot. I connect easily with people, gain attachments pretty quickly and I am working on not needing definitions and accepting that I just care a lot.

Anyway F is poly, we have a date of talking about that along with other stuff, and it actually calms my nervous system knowing that he has a primary partner, and generally I really like him. So we start texting all the time, sexual, friendly and I date another person where I struggle much more with the uncertainty than with F. We also go on some great dates and have amazing sexual chemistry. I even spend the night at his house.

Now on our last date F tells me that he and his partner has ended things after them being together for like 7 years. We still have a good date and he reiterates that this will not change our relation as casually committed. He also says we will not initiate a relationship. (Now i wasn’t thinking that at all but got a little offended ngl).

Anyways I want to both support him in this, protect my own nervous system and sensitive heart so does anyone have advice?

TLDR: Dating poly for the first time, and the guy im seeing broke up with his primary partner. How do I protect myself while still dating him?m

Wife(34), husband (40). Some of you might know me from my past comments. So, this is what’s going on. My wife and I are on a “break” to give us some space that we both agreed on. Because we were fighting almost every day. So, we took space from each other but I have a real problem now. Is it ok if we are on a “break” to reflect on ourselves but instead she/we are not. is it ok that she is still seeing her other partner? We are not having any physical connection but she is, I went on a date and lied about another one.(I know very childish of me. You guys won’t believe me but all this have changed my brain a lot). I’m getting very “comfortably numb” emotionally. Sooo, I’m here reading your comments. Thanks!!

I'm 34m, who's recently matched with 43f on Feeld who was in a poly relationship with someone. I was clear initially that I was looking for a primary partner for a relationship and to also explore the kink lifestyle together. We went on 5-6 dates and the chemistry has been off the charts. We have hooked up multiple times and feel very very passionately for each other and want to have a relationship. She doesn't want to give a primary or secondary tag to her partners. I'm very clear in my head of the kind of relationship I want, I want to build a life with the other person which includes traveling, hobbies, getting better every day, etc. It's not centred around kink but kink is a part of it.

I get incredibly jealous when she mentions her other partner or sees his 3 times a week. I have tried to sit with the feeling and also read enough to conclude that I can't get the better of it currently. It makes me think that we are not compatible and I can't handle poly relationship as a mono person? I also feel it's incredibly time consuming to talk about it each and every time. If you take the second partner out of the equation, I would be fairly okay with things. It's his presence, the fact that I'm not the only one in her life that's eating me from inside.

Do you think I should step away from the relationship? Both of us love each other a lot ( or so I believe)

Poly people get dismissed by the mainstream as having commitment issues. However, our dating pool regularly gets infiltrated by monogamous people who are afraid of commitment lol.

Polyamory seems to attract those people who serially date someone who’s already coupled (cheaters), or those folk who serially date the emotionally unavailable, and monogamous people who are willing to settle for half of the love they want.

Any of us can be commitmentphobes, that’s not something exclusive to the monogamous 98% of the human population. But it’s pretty fascinating because I’ve regularly seen the same stories in my 14ish years of being poly:

1. The cowpoke who knows their lover is partnered and poly but wants to be monogamous with them anyway

2. The distraught person struggling to accept that they’ll never be prioritized by their partner like partner’s spouse and kids

3. The couple or divorcee who are finding themselves after getting married too young (plot twist, in a few years they’re gonna be mono again and we’re gonna get blamed for the destruction they cause while they’re here 😒)

Maybe the reason why mono people think we have commitment issues is because they keep coming into our dating pool, wreaking havoc, and running away?

Jk, I’m just trying to establish some new mono stereotypes.

Just me being curious! :) I (27f) have had my fair share of tricky early poly experiences (both in the hinge position and as someone who was on the receiving end of a messy opening process).

I suppose I'd just be curious about you guys' learning curve. :)

Which lessons did you learn in the beginning?

Did you have any unhelpful habits?

Or did you do things that hurt your first poly partners that you had to grow past / take accountability for?

Oh, don't we all love integrity??

Exactly as title says. I have three partners at the minute and this is my absolute limit. Part of my vetting in early days of a new connection has been to date others openly, but I am STRETCHED man. I also don’t think it’s necessarily kind to new folks to date them for the sake of ensuring that newest partner’s primal panic isn’t a red flag relationship ending situation. Also also, I don’t really like early days of dating in general. How does everyone here manage this balance?
For context, my newest partner and I are about 6 months in and while they’re lovely, I don’t yet know how they’ll react to me potentially dating others in the future, but also I’m not terribly driven right now to find out if that makes sense?

Like the title says, im so tired of the same situation happening no matter what steps I take. I (25nb) was recently was involved with a guy I met at my job (27m,we'll call him Cola for this rant).

I also currently have a long term, long distance partner (30m, well call him Hanes) that I see every other month or so. I am a very open about the fact that I am with Hanes and that I identify as poly.

Cola and I have been hanging out for a few months now, we've gone out a handful of times and used to text kind of regularly. This past weekend I was out with Cola and we had both confessed feelings for eachother. Things were going very well for the day (we were spending the majority of the day together) and we ended up back at Colas place. We watched a movie, ate some food, and had a nice makeout session. Things lead to another and I did end up being vulnerable with Cola. I stayed the night and had to get up early the next morning, but didnt hear much from Cola that day. He did say that he was taking the day to rest so i didnt text him much.

The next day I reach out to check in and I get slightly dry responses, nothing like one worded answers or anything but definitely more friendly than "hey we just spent the night together for the first time" kind of texts. My anxiety was getting the better of me so I did ask if he wanted to continue pursuing anything romantic with me and I got the response along the lines of "I thought I could be with a poly person but I have jealousy issues and don't think I can handle it" which I can respect in it's own way, better late than never, but I do wish it had been brought up way before.

I will say, it's definitely on me for not asking directly if he was okay with me being poly. I did just assume he had no problem with it since he never said anything against it. He says he got caught up in the moment and was genuinely having a great time with me, hes apologized more than 10x about how he went about it and wants us to stay friends.

Im not sure where my heart stands on it though. It's nothing I can really change about myself and I know that if I were to see him pursue anything romantic with someone else it would hurt. I know exactly what thoughts it'll put in my head and I hate it. The whole "well why cant i just be normal enough for people to want to be with me, if I was just monogamous I could be okay with this"

And yes I feel unbelievably stupid for my emotions right now and how the situation happened. But I will learn the lesson from this, whatever it may be.

BTW this is 99% a rant that I just wanted to throw into the void, but anyone else go through something similar and still be able to stay friends?

The thing is, she is so compelling that even if they’ve never considered poly, they try it. And I’m just here, as her steady partner. But none of them have any background in it and eventually they will buck.

You ever just get out of a long term relationship with one partner & move to a new place by yourself a month ago and then your only other partner at the moment goes on a week long trip with her other partner - and you try and make plans to stay busy on your end but they all cancel last minute - and then your period starts so you’re sitting around feeling lonely & rejected & in pain & like a blob.

Or just me? haha

My first first date in over 5 years is tomorrow and I’m so excited!!! Me (27F) and my np (28F) have been very slowly and intentionally opening our relationship, decoupling, having conversations for the last year+. I have my first date with someone I met on the apps tomorrow and I’m so giddy with excitement!! My partner is being so supportive and while I can tell she’s nervous, she’s excited for me too.

Just wanted to share some new to poly joy!! Wish me luck!

Bloody hell, we worked hard at polyamory but it got to the point where it was too much for me so I ended things. I lost an amazing metamour (we don't talk anymore) and a future life I had pictured very clearly for a very long time.

Looking back, it wasn't polyamory, it was us being too young. I really regret that my ex was the first person I did it with. With everything we know now, if we met now... I think we could have made it work. Maybe not. But honestly probably.

Time is sick. That's life I guess.

Throwaway because I'm unsure if my partner uses reddit, though I am certain she'd connect the dots, I just really don't want to hurt her feelings if she ever uses my phone or peruses my main profile.

I started dating my partner a little over a year ago, She is poly, her girlfriend and I are not. She has been with her girlfriend for 7ish years, they live together, and are (supposedly) non-hierarchical. They are also in the states, I'm Canadian (we met online) so we don't get to see each other in person often.

Over the months, she has started spending less and less time with me in calls, we don't do the activities that we fell in love doing anymore, and it seems like the only time she seeks my attention now is when her girlfriend is away on a trip or otherwise occupied. She once wanted to send me groceries and sent something that her girlfriend likes and I'm not particularly fond of, which is fine but then the things started to pile up... If we're going to watch a movie it's always one of her girlfriends favourites. If she gives me a compliment, she immediately retracts it and rewords it so her girlfriend is included (ex. *"*I have such a beautiful partner. No, I have two beautiful partners!" when her girlfriend isn't even there). She talks about how much I'll love taking trips to her girlfriends family home. If I try to tell her about a new thing I'm into, she relates it to her girlfriend and tells me I should talk to her about it. She jokes about how confusing it'll be when we all live together because she calls us the same pet names. She told me that she never wanted to get married, but "feels different with me," and eventually told me that she and her girlfriend have discussed marriage but it's just not something that her girlfriend is into (killing any desire or excitement I had to maybe propose someday). When the topic of visiting the states came up, she expected me to sleep in her and her girlfriends bed, her girlfriend would take the couch. I told her I am absolutely not comfortable with that and would rather book a motel room. Her response is that she hopes someday I feel compersion.

I don't think she's doing it intentionally or with malice, and I've tried gently broaching the concept of keeping our relationships a little more separate, but every chance she gets she relates things to her girlfriend. It really doesn't feel non-hierarchical, she started exploring polyamory at some point into their relationship, and I feel like I'm just there for her to explore avenues that she otherwise couldn't. She has made it clear that she never wants to move to Canada (understandable), and wants me to move to the states, but I really don't want to move countries just to feel like an on-call girlfriend (especially considering I would be giving up quite a few conveniences that aren't available in the states). It really hurts because I do love her so so much, she is an amazing person, but I feel like she's unintentionally seeking a copy of or more time with her long-term girlfriend, who I couldn't be more different than if I tried.

So ya, just wanted to vent in case anyone has experienced this and can give me some guidance or advice on how to further approach it. We're in our 30s and lesbians since it wasn't clear above. Thanks for reading <3

Edit: this was deleted initially by automod so I posted it in r/polyadvice, in case anyone is curious about why there are two identical posts or would like to see what folks are saying over there.

My current partner was dating a few other people when we met years ago. Since we had a lot of chemistry it didn't make any difference to me but I remember him saying, "I wish I had more time." He wanted more time with his friends, family, partners, time for himself... But he had multiple partners and he was on a second date with me.

During my dating adventures I was at one point looking for more serious relationships and I even put in my online bio, "Before you contact me please consider whether you have time to invest in a new relationship." I had someone reach out to me in much the same situation as the aforementioned person, but this guy had a newborn to take care of as well. He told me straight up, 'I don't actually know when I'd have time but...'

And now I am hearing similar stories from some of my friends. The same people complaining about not having enough time seem to want to collect partners like Pokémon. Or maybe they can't stop themselves?

Absolutely no shade on anyone on any side of this situation. I'm here seeking wisdom.

My questions to the group are, What's up with that? Do you do that? Do you see this happening with your partners or with yourself? Why you do dat? Does it bother you? If this is something you've been through or are going through, what kind of support would you like? Is there another way to look at this subject?

I've lost a lot of friends this year, recently broke up with my bf due to the fact that I'm a lesbian and didn't feel monogamous. So I spend most of my time w my bff, I recently told her my feelings and we've gone to being official for some time now. Both of us are interested in polyamory but neither have ever actually tried. Most of my friends are busy AF so I end up chilling w my gf most of the time.

For added context she's in another state and I still live with my ex. My ex told me he has a date and I'm more than happy for him, mildly annoyed I might have to go pick him up if he drinks too much, but whatever. I wouldn't have any sorta feelings about today if it wasn't for my gf also having a date. She's never met up w this person before and idec if they do anything sexual but I just feel a pit in my stomach. I don't feel jealous towards anyone or angry at all, I mean they'll probably just watch a movie and talk. IF THEY DID MORE I STILL WOULDN'T CARE. But I can't get over this feeling. Is it fomo? Am I just jealous of the opportunity to meet my gf?

I don't fully know what jealousy feels like, I get the concept but I don't remember a time where I'd envy people like that. Do I just feel the loneliness before it's even happened? I've been pretty depressed recently with all this drama going on. Do I have an unhealthy attachment? Am I too needy? I haven't said any of this to her. She gets anxious and I'd feel awful if how I felt convinced her not to go. She should hang out w people n make friends but idk. I just feel dreadfully alone.