r/polyamory • u/lilikittenxo • 1d ago
Curious/Learning Need Poly Dating advice about photos and consent ( i suppose i am a unicorn…pls help)
I am a single queer femme woman. I recently started dating 2 people, who are a married couple, mixed genders, mixed orientations.
How do I approach the issue of consent and spicy photo sharing, where my comfort level is different with each person?
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I have spent time with this couple together and also individually. Individual time has been important to me especially because these two already know each other deeply (10 year marriage) whereas i am totally new. I want to develop true intimacy and get to know each of these people, one on one and as a couple too. we all are expressing love all around. But also, my personal approach is to view each individual as unique.
After a few dates i felt comfortable to share my private instagram with one member of the couple (woman). It is a 18+ account where i personally approve who can follow based on my comfort and safety. It’s not for $, it is personal sexy self expression, mostly me in lingerie pics.
Now the woman (part of the couple) who i am dating messaged me to say:
“Last night husband and I looked at your page together and got so turned on….” (tells me they had good sex and that she was inspired by my photos to take her own sexy nudes)
I am so flabbergasted and I don’t know how to reply!! 😳😶😩
I am uncomfortable with this boundary cross, at not being asked, and also with my pics being used as fap material (which is to be expected but feels disrespectful the way jt was said) and side note, I am coming to realize I don’t really want to hear about the sex they have when I’m not there. it’s also yuck to me that my images were used in a sex session, by people who i am dating, that i wasnt invited to be a part of.
Obviously I can remove and block her off my Instagram page for future. But the damage is done, she already showed her husband. I’m upset and feel icky that my privacy was violated.
My question is… how do I address this in the new relationship? The assumptions she made are kinda understandable but it still hurts 💔
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u/UntowardThenToward relationship anarchist 1d ago
This is break-up worthy. They are not showing you care, and they don't act like individuals. I'm so sorry, OP. You deserve way better.
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u/hazyandnew 1d ago
Set the boundary clearly, see how they react. Both the immediate reaction and also what they do differently.
Green flags would be things like apologizing, asking clarifying questions on what you would be comfortable with, embracing the fact that you have different dyadic relationships that are separate from each other, treating all three of you as equally valid individuals
Red flags would be challenging your boundary, couples privilege (well he's my husband, of course I share everything with him), pressure for you to be exactly the same with both of them, treating the couple as its own important entity, or doing whatever they want and just hiding it more from you.
I get the instinct to maintain a relationship, but a big piece of the early stages is deciding if you even want this relationship and it's 100% valid to nope out. You're allowed to break it off, you don't have to try to make it work.
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u/spaceedust 1d ago
This is an excellent point - this is the best way forward, don’t placate them at all. Set your boundary and see what happens when you set it clearly. It’s important information that you need moving forward.
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u/boredwithopinions 1d ago
Discuss the concept of privacy early on. Far too many couples believe in "total transparency" and believe everything is shareable within their relationship. Even when it involves other people.
This is not a problem of dating a couple (which has its own problems) but a problem of dating a highly entagled person who doesn't understand privacy.
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u/theazurerose That Poly polyam woman✨ 1d ago
No, this is a problem of dating Unicorn Hunting couples. Both people had the chance to think "maybe we should ask our partner if she is okay with sharing her instagram with both of us?" and both people failed to do so, then BOLDLY expressed how they objectified OP and used her to spice up their sex life as if she is a person who has zero boundaries or feelings.
They're adults and they have braincells to rub together, especially fucking asinine of them to be a unit who cannot form an important thought between them. They are highly entangled and they're selfish, inconsiderate assholes who thought only of themselves and how OP can benefit them sexually in a very disgusting manner.
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u/nunforyou I can tell how much you love yourself by the partner you chose 9h ago
doesn’t understand privacy
They understand, they just don’t care
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u/catboogers 1d ago
I would be upfront in any relationship with a nested person that you expect any of your shared messages to remain private. It's also completely valid to say you don't want to hear about any sex that you are not a part of, including masturbation to your photos.
I'm gonna be honest here: I would consider photos posted online, even under a friends-locked account, to be more likely to be shared/leaked/etc than a private message to a specific person. I'm not a huge instagram user myself, and I would not necessarily clock that I was looking at a private account rather than a public one, so I could easily see myself doing something similar. I would say a specific call out on your privacy expectations could have been very helpful here.
That said, address it now. See how she reacts, and make your choices about the relationship from there.
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u/aussiegirlabroad 1d ago
Tell her exactly how you feel. If you don’t feel comfortable telling her in person, write it down.
You have articulated yourself in such a clear and compelling way in this post, I’m sure you can make her understand why her actions were disrespectful, unfair and unacceptable.
If it were me in your situation, I don’t think I would forgive this. I would move on. But I’d feel better moving on after I made sure they understood why this was wrong and how it made me feel.
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u/Ok-Championship-2036 1d ago
First off, i am so sorry that your trust and privacy were violated that way. They took advantage and treated you objectifyingly and its on them 100% to understand and do better.
Did you specify that it was a private account when you shared it with her? Or ask her not to share it with others? I completely understand how obvious that may seem (since you marked the account private) but it can be helpful for you to be as clear as possible with those boundaries, if only because that makes it twice as clear if they arent respecting you/it.
This situation may seem predictable to folks who have an...unsympathetic view on unicorn hunters... but on your end, theres nothing you could have done that would have made this less of a violation/overstep. This isnt your fault, its not your job to make it EASY for people to respect you and your humanity/individualism. They crossed the line to do something that benefitted them only. Thats crappy.
If you choose to try to repair trust with them, be very clear what went wrong and what youd like them both to do to create security now. Blocking them from that account would be reasonable if thats helpful for you! But you get to decide and they/she get the opportunity to build trust back and treat you better. They dont get to complain that its inconvenient or that you need to treat them the same or honor their marriage etc.
Its about you saying "hey that sucked!" and them having the humility and care to say "fuck youre right, im going to do better because thats who i wanna be AND id like to understand YOU so that i dont put you in the same situation again." If they only want a unicorn, theyre gonna treat you having needs as optional/nbd. Esp when they have their own struggles going on.
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u/BythsomeOurHeartsAre 1d ago
Turn off the access now as when you raise the boundary issues they might download the photos.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
Research couples privilege.
Polyamory doesn't mean lower standards. This couple has nothing real to offer.
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u/Nervous-Net-8196 1d ago
When you added her did you tell her your account is set up for your comfort and safety? Have you talked about your boundsries? Even if you didn't, it is a huge violation.
You can either have a conversation with her about it, where she will for sure tell her husband about it, or just block and move on.
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u/sallis 1d ago
I'm so sorry. That is really rough. Like others have said, dating couples can cause a plethora of issues. I would look at the resources on the side bar and maybe consider if you want to continue the relationship.
If you do, I would make sure everyone knows and is in agreement with the fact that these are separate relationships, and it is just as inappropriate for them to share your private information with each other as it would be for them to share it with friends. Really though, please seriously consider heeding the recommendations of others not to date this couple, as this is a huge red flag that they have done none of the work to support a healthy triad.
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u/Forsaken_Rutabaga_89 fantasy hybrid polycule 1d ago
This is a sign that they view you as a sex toy for their own enjoyment and not as an individual. It's unlikely they're actually offering real polyamory. Most healthy polyamorous relationships are just between 2 individuals and people's boundaries are respected.
I am in a triad of a year and a half with a couple who are married and have been polyam 10+ years. I was dating the first person for several months before I started dating their spouse. We all date outside of the triad, most of my relationships happen in 1:1 time including messages, and none of the dyads ever shares sexual details with the third person who wasn't involved. We only occasionally have group dates or group intimacy.
I advise stating your boundaries and telling them you felt uncomfortable and disrespected. If they are apologetic and seek to understand you, maybe you can proceed from there, but unfortunately most unicorn hunters are not ethical in their approach to dating.
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u/Magical_Salamander 1d ago
This is great to hear and good to know that there are some respectful and ethical couples out there!!
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u/SirPoopsTheTurd Poly Saturated at 0 1d ago
I think the best is probably to call her or meet with her and just tell her how you feel. I think this might have been a honest mistake on her part, and you can know it if she is apologetic and say she will not do that again.
Some people who are in a couple don't really realise that to other people they are not a couple but 2 different people, and consent to one is not to both. It is not ok, but we live in a very couple centred (and even couple worshipping) society. People don't understand that they can choose not to keep secrets and privacy in the couple, but it stops when it's someone else's secrets and privacy.
If she deflects or dismisses you, well...this will tell you everything you need to know about how much she actually cares for you.
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u/mahatmakg 1d ago
Just be thankful you got wise while the relationship was still new. Cut your losses and beware of unicorn hunters.
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u/Magical_Salamander 1d ago
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It can be difficult finding truly ethical partners in the poly world and even more difficult finding truly ethical couples to date in the poly world. They sound as though they are treating you as a spicy toy for their enjoyment. The fact that they had no insight whatsoever as to their unethical and disrespectful behaviour is deeply concerning. Do you really want to have to teach them Ethics 101? My guess is they will keep crossing lines you didn't even consider they'd not know to cross and you'll be faced with the "you should have been clear about your boundaries" bullshit. If they don't get this simple concept then you'll have to assume they don't get any of it. What a nightmare. I'd move on to be honest. I hope you're ok. I can only imagine what that would have felt like for you
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u/theazurerose That Poly polyam woman✨ 1d ago
The reason couples hunt unicorns is for the express purpose of THEM using the UNICORN... You will never, ever be held to an equal standard and you will forever be setting yourself on fire to keep THEM warm as a unit.
Block her off your instagram with all due haste. Break up because of how they used you as fap material and somehow saw nothing wrong with that while being bold enough to express that to you. They used you, for their sex life boost, and they're PROUD of it.
You deserve much better than being treated like you have zero boundaries by shitty Unicorn Hunters.
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u/Logical-Material6227 11h ago
This just isn’t true. My wife and I have been married for 10 years. And we’ve opened our relationship to having a 3rd female partner.
The idea behind it is the mutual benefit for everyone. This was my wife’s idea a long time ago and so we started experimenting with that idea. Yeah we’ve definitely had some bumps along the road and definitely have learned a lot of what not to do. A lot of communication is involved. But I absolutely believe that the right combination can thrive. What I get out of the relationship isn’t the same as what both of my women get out of the relationship. We both have separate and combined relationships together. My wife has a best friend in me and in the third. She benefits by having access to an amazing connection from both the feminine and masculine spectrums. Of course you don’t start out on a equal standard way. It works for us as there is definitely a hierarchy at first until you develop that bond and that trust. The longer you build together the more equall it becomes.
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u/yallermysons diy your own 22h ago
Okay it’s weird for this person to show your nudes to someone else without asking HOWEVER
Was it truly completely unpredictable to you that the wife would share your photos with her husband who you’re also dating? I guess I’m surprised that you were flabbergasted.
I don’t mean to be insulting, I am just looking out for you: if it surprised you that this couple felt entitled to do what they did, you’re not safe dating couples because you’re vulnerable to toxic ones.
Low-key if you’re gonna date at all then you need to practice having convos about how you do and don’t like to be treated. This is for your own safety.
Also, my spicy social media comes with a disclaimer to everyone who’s invited that they are not to show my shit to other people. I say it before they’re even added. That’s not the kind of thing you just assume people know, spell it out if only so that you can tell yourself that they knew better if they violate your privacy.
If you date couples, married or no, ASSUME they are codependent/enmeshed until proven otherwise.
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u/lilikittenxo 1h ago
very good to reflect on that question, why/how I didn’t see this coming.
a big part is that in our beginning convos she has done lots of “book speak.” she talked a lot about polyamory as if she is very experienced with various situations. i misconstrued that as maturity and insightfulness.
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u/morelpower 1d ago
That’s awful.
I’m in a nesting couple, and although we’re not looking as a couple right now, we have partnered with people together but would never treat someone with so much disrespect!
Personally unicorn hunters like that make the rest of us look bad, and although I’m very much an each to their own kind of person, there should be boundaries and respect given from the start.
I would step away, and if you do approach another couple, make sure you let them know your boundaries and discuss where the lines are so you’re all clear.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Truly.
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u/freshlyintellectual 1d ago
this is why we don’t recommend dating couples. expect nothing to be private between you and one of the partners so long as they date as a “unit”
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u/lilikittenxo 1h ago edited 1h ago
update - i did stand up for myself and shared how this affected me, by writing it out and sending to both of them.
i received verbal and texted apologies from them. aside from that, and her promise not to do this again, what would you ask for in terms of repair? from one or both of the people?
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u/moxie_fox_4u 1d ago
First of all, just be aware that the situation will end badly. As for your actual question, there are 3 separate relationships here: you and A, you and B, A and B. Each pair decides what is acceptable for the 2 people in that relationship. Basically, you're looking at them as a couple. You need to be looking at them as 2 separate partners.
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u/Magical_Salamander 1d ago
They also need to be looking at their relationships with OP as separate and treat it with the respect it deserves. The level of disrespect and lack of awareness is horrifying here.
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u/moxie_fox_4u 1d ago
I literally said they are all separate relationships. I didn't think it could be any clearer.
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u/Sufficient_Ad_1769 1d ago
Hi as a married couple that is kind of new to this poly lifestyle, I know that my wife or I which everyone was trusted with the pics/video would not have shared with the other spouse without consent. Only because this happened in the last relationship where my wife was sent a self pleasing video from her (then) girlfriend but she asked if it was ok that I watched it too. So for them not to have thought about the consent first is kind of a red flag. You can’t make assumptions of anyone or anything no matter the situation.
Second I would probably just be honest with them. If it bothers you then it needs to be addressed. I know we have learned that one thing is for certain that uncomfortable conversations should never be avoided either. Your feelings are just as valid in all this. We always preach that communication is the key to finding any happiness whether it be with lovers or friends.
Hopefully this helps again we are new to this. Our first attempt was good but because we were learning it didn’t really go so well.
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u/lilikittenxo 14h ago
thank you very much for encouraging me to be honest with them and address this. it is gonna be really hard.
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u/Chemical-Yellow-7364 22h ago
Seems as though you had a covert contract, meaning you had a boundary that you didnt actually communicate and just expected her to know. Communication is key in these situations.
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u/lilikittenxo 14h ago
not really covert because for every single other photo I have shared or let her take, I have explicitly said or texted, I feel comfortable with you sharing that, or, please don’t share that. ( not even spicy photos by the way.) so we have had a habit of establishing consent about photo sharing before this.
it is true that I was not hyper specific about this particular boundary, not sharing my private Instagram page.
but we had a pretty long conversation before about comfort and boundaries related not to photos but about public displays of affection and sexuality. we also talked about privacy related to our personal lives.
so given our history, it surprised me that she did share my photos without my consent and also told me how she and someone else used them as catalyst for their sex session. (i am dating them both but was not invited to said sex session, furthering the feeling of exclusion / being used)
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1d ago
[deleted]
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u/Magical_Salamander 1d ago
Being a unit as a default setting does NOT mean you get to disrespect a lover's privacy or bypass seeking consent to sharing anything personal about them. Don't assume unless told otherwise - ASK THEM 1st. This is gross and unethical
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u/Bunny2102010 1d ago
I am a woman who has been with her husband for 20 years. The difference is we’ve decoupled enough and done enough work to know that this is a gross assumption that results in unethical behavior.
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u/theazurerose That Poly polyam woman✨ 1d ago
DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS. Ethical non-monogamy, especially polyamory, means being an adult who is capable of having honest and open conversations. Do NOT assume a single thing ESPECIALLY for your personal benefit (a.k.a. it's uncomfortable to ask for consent so you and your husband share EVERYTHING together rather than being mature enough to GO GET THAT CONSENT from the unicorn) because it makes you look thoughtless and irresponsible. Consent is ALWAYS important. If anything, a couple should work twice as hard to ensure that you have consent from the unicorn and that they are comfortable!
You and your husband are individual people. Don't operate as a unit if you actually care about someone else. They are not your personal sex toy to share and make assumptions about behind their back. BE AN ADULT. Like dear god, do you couples ever consider the amount of harm you can cause by being assholes who default to centering YOURSELVES as one unit? You're not making a unicorn feel equal to you if you treat them poorly like you've described.
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u/Magical_Salamander 22h ago
100% this! The lack of awareness was astonishing. No wonder she deleted her comment. But perhaps she learnt something
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u/theazurerose That Poly polyam woman✨ 12h ago
Not surprised she deleted because she quickly found out how terribly wrong she is by centering her relationship with her spouse over the Unicorn's comfort, privacy and mental-health. Sad that she couldn't be mature enough to respond with any form of acknowledgement or genuine sentiment of having learned a lesson. :/
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u/wcozi slut in theory, tired in practice 1d ago
it would be best not to date couples. shit like this happens because they don’t see anything wrong with it as they are a unit.