(This sub probably isn't... THE ideal place for this, as this is half intrusive thoughts, half things I've done. But I just need to scream this as many places as I can.)

Please, just allow me to ramble about things for a while. I sincerely hope that this post doesn't trigger anybody, or anything like that. That's not what I'm trying to do, I swear.

I sincerely hope you all are ready to read... The longest thing you'll ever read. I'm going to detail most of my life focusing largely on terrible things I know I did, and things that I have been horrified that I have done.

I also have long suspected I have OCD, so there will be a section dedicated to things I don't know for a fact I did, or has a shred of doubt behind it.

___________________

Things I know for a fact I did:

I had done a lot of absolutely disgusting things when I was younger. I had committed COCSA against my step-brother and a friend of mine at the time. (While they both slept.) I was a peeping tom towards basically my entire family, as well.

Then, what I believe is the worst thing I did at this point in my life, I had attempted to commit COCSA against a really really young girl. I was still 12, but still, that's not an excuse. And I'm thankful every day I didn't fully commit to that.

_

I soon got involved in Omegle, and shit like that. And I then started trading nude pictures of myself with others. Usually people my age, but many cases were adults taking advantage of me, and a few other cases were me being a bit too old for the people I was doing this with. (Think me being 15-16, and then being 12. Ew.)

I did this for 4 years, finally cutting the addiction to doing this when I was about to turn 17, I believe. But that wasn't the only thing I got addicted to at 12.

I got addicted to porn, as well. Both regular porn and hentai and the like. I distinctly remember when I was 13 that there was an occasion where I simply looked up CP to see if there was a result, and another separate time where I discovered some on YouTube and didn't think twice about what I was consuming.

Something I consumed much more often was stuff with loli's in it. Not even because I had a specific attraction, I just... Did. I never thought about the ages of the characters, and would usually just headcanon them to be my age. Even at my current age of 21 I'm realizing that stuff I watched recently had loli's in it and I only noticed afterwards.

I hadn't specifically sought out CP after that first time, I don't believe, but I do frequently freak out wondering if something I see online IS that.

_

We then get to the final thing, and only thing I'm certain I've done as an adult, and that's me having been an absolute creep to my best friend.

I'll be talking about them again in a bit, because theres also some false memories involved with them, but theres just as many confirmable memories I can talk about.

There's been SO many occasions where I would specifically say something dirty/flirty in hopes something would blossom from it, and I've given her creepy compliments that she never asked for. Many of such times she would call me out because there were so ill timed.

There is a very specific moment where she had turned on her camera to show me her dog, and she then accidentally flashed me. I then creepily begged her to turn her camera back on without explicitly telling her I wanted to see her again. I didn't think about this for a while until I learned more about coercion and stuff, and realized that might've been what this was.

There was then a period of time where she would want me to stay on the phone while she slept, and I would be up all night. As a porn addict, I would feel the need to relieve myself, but didn't want to leave and make her sad. So I would just... Masturbate while she was still on the phone. I eventually realized how creepy this was, and stopped, and the only time I did it since was on accident.

Finally, a more minor moment, I remember she had fallen asleep with her camera on once, and I just... Couldn't stop looking. Like I was hoping I would see something. I eventually just hung up. ___________________

Things I'm not entirely sure I've done/have a lot of doubt behind it:

I remembered that I played with this one kid on the bus once when I was 14, and had playfully punched him between the legs, not with force or anything. I forgot for years, before I began being horrified that I got sexual gratification out of it somehow and the poor kid didn't know.

This next one has literally no proof whatsoever, but is still something I worry about. My nephew was born while I was 15, and still in the midst of my problems. I'm scared I had done something inappropriate to him back then, and just don't remember.

_

Those are the only two from childhood, now we move on to things I'm scared I've done as an adult.

I got addicted to chatrooms again for a while there, mostly to talk to people during a time where I wanted to kill myself, but also for dirty reasons, of course.

I always had an intrusive thought that I was talking to minors, but just pushed it aside. After all, I didn't have definitive proof, or anything. They either said they were an adult, or, idiotically, I never asked for their age at all.

But then, while on one of these, someone showed up and advertised themselves as a 16 year old dude, and I genuinely almost screamed and threw my phone. I then began believing after that that all the people I spoke to on these sites that I thought could have been underage, absolutely WERE underage. I haven't gone back to one of these sites since.

_

This is a specific event with my friend that I freak out about often. I became convinced that I tried to touch her without consent.

We had gone swimming, and ended up goofing off in the pool. At one point, she yanked me close to her, and my hand pressed into her chest. I apologized, she said she didn't even feel it, but I felt... Lucky? Or something? And I swear, I feel like my attitude changed after that, and I became more... Enthusiastic in our goofing off. Its hard to explain, but I've become convinced that I had tried to recreate that event so I could touch her again. I can't prove it though.

_

This is similar to the last one about my nephew, but this occurred as an adult. I'll talk about the main event, and then the spiral that followed it.

It was just me, my mom, and my nephew, and she was doing dishes. My nephew got all dirty while he was using the bathroom, and she demanded me to clean him.

I had raging POCD (I believe) at this point. And was begging her to clean him instead, and that I would do dishes for her. She said no, and told me to just grow a pair and do it.

I didn't want to touch him, so I tried putting him in the shower and spraying him off, and when I couldn't get him clean, I eventually just broke down in the bathroom and cried. I was freaking out that much.

A few years later, I randomly got an intrusive thought of me touching him during that moment. And thus, I began doubting EVERYTHING.

I began wondering if I had enjoyed it when he'd crawl on me when he was a baby, or if he'd accidentally touch my crotch, I began wondering if I had deliberately looked at him inappropriately in the past.

And, of course, I became scared that I had hurt him in the bathroom, and that's why I broke down crying. That I knew I'd get caught, or something.

___________________

Me, today:

I'm 21. I'm not one of those rich guys who are the total monsters. No, I'm just a monster AND poor.

I've never had a job, and have been in constant panic for the last 4 years. First, it was over mundane stuff, but as I began recalling more of my past, and memories I can't fully verify, I literally stopped moving. I never leave my house, I deliberately keep my circle of friends small.

My OCD has gotten horrible, assuming that's what I even have. Especially POCD. I can't look at children at all without having horrible intrusive thoughts. My mind always latches onto part of children I see and basically says "LOOKY! LOOK AT THIS! DON'T YOU LIKE HOW THIS LOOKS!"

Can't watch shows with kids in it, can't play games with kids in it, you get it.

So, of course, since my nephew has now moved in with us, I have been in constant panic. Not only am I scared I hurt him in the past, but I feel horrible things if I look at him, and my brain is convincing me I like the... Shape of him, or something? BLEGH!

So I avoid him. I literally don't look at him, and will close my eyes to avoid doing so. If he approaches me, I back away like a scared animal. If hes in the bathroom, I don't go to my room, because I'd have to walk by the bathroom.

That best friend of mine I'm so convinced I've hurt thinks the world of me. I once told her that I believed I had hurt her in every sexual way, and she told me I was being ridiculous, that she would remember if I had. I was too much of a coward to actually detail what the events were.

She says I'm too hard on myself, that me being attracted to her is normal, and it is. But the way I've approached that attraction is NOT.

I hate being around my siblings because of what I did to them in the past. I don't think they remember, and they always seem happy to see me. But I always feel like I don't deserve to associate with them because of all of that.

I just... Let me disappear. I'm too much of a coward to hurt myself. I've tried. I just want to go... POOF! Just disappear so the world can finally be better without me in it.

I probably haven't detailed everything I possibly could. But this is absolutely the majority of it, and most important of it all.

I just wanted to try writing anything and everything that come to my mind - but I'm nervous a little, I don't even know what to write but I have to 10 min to so that's fine. I'm a girl, I live in simple family, I love to do things, a lot of things but I usually give up quickly. I know one of my problems is the phone and doomscrolling but I can't just stop it. I will try to I guess, anyway. I feel off yet I feel good, like I feel bad but I feel ungrateful that I feel bad, I hope no one read this but deep down I want someone to read it or something. Idk.

I feel like I want to jump when I’m up high. Balconies, walkways, etc…

I'll try to keep this as bite sized as I possibly can, but it might still be long anyway.

I did horrible things to my step siblings, whether they remember or not, when I was like, 12. Maybe 13. I'm not sure. I was a peeping tom. I had committed C0CSA. So much that I keep buried away simply because it would make everyone's already hard life more difficult if it were to be discussed.

There's a particularly disgusting thing I did when I was 12 that I'm thankful that I never fully committed to, but I had attempted to commit C0CSA against a MUCH younger child. I'm so appalled by that memory and wish I could erase it.

I got into online chatrooms and stuff. I would exchange photos and people who were either my age, or... Lying adulits. Of course, in classic young me fashion, some of the age gaps were gross in retrospect, where I was probably just a bit too old (I think there was a singular instance where I talked to someone who was 12 when I was 16.). I stopped when I was 16.

I also remembered that I had seen C.P. when I was like, 13, and didn't really think about how horrible that was.

I forgot about these things for so long, and I thought I slowly grew as a person.

But then, the OCD I suspect I have, suddenly got WAY worse. I began to ruminate way more, and that's when I remembered most of what I've already told you. Things that were just fleeting images on occasion became immediate threats.

My (supposed) POCD would then drag me farther down, and convince me I had done things I had literally never even considered.

I've convinced myself that I've m*lested my nephew in the past, either when he was just born when I was 15 (Which my brain uses my transgressions from my younger age to back it up) or even as an adult, where I would do something normal, (like cleaning him or having him sleep next to me) and my brain later says I had an ulterior motive.

I also pulled up a random memory of riding the bus with some kid when I was 14, and was playing with him and pretending to punch him between his legs. I distinctly remember feeling weird, and am now convinced I had bad intentions when doing that, and even if I didn't, I still am convinced I felt ar0used.

I've broken down as a person. Not because I don't care, but because I don't know who I am anymore. I've done bad things, can't confirm or deny that I have done WORSE things, and I just can't take being me. I'm constantly looking back in my life to when I was around a child, or had seen a child being changed, and being like "Oh God... I think I felt ar0usal/attracti0n when I was around them... How did I never think about that???"

I can't play games with kids in the without panicking anymore, can't watch TV without having a breakdown if I see a kid, I basically gaslight myself into thinking children aren't real.

So amidst this violent spiral downwards where I now feel my whole life has been nothing but a crime documentary, I got deeper and deeper into my porn addiction. I then realized that, I hadn't been deliberately looking at C.P. (though I do freak out wondering if I watch it by mistake) I had technically gone out of my way to watch l0li content. Not for them, specifically, and I didn't realize how bad some of it was for a while, but I was rewatching these things consistently. So now I feel like I was always secretly into this sort of thing.

And then, as if it couldn't get any worse, my sister and nephew have moved back in, now, and I'm constantly on edge around my nephew. It feels like my brain "notices" parts of him I shouldn't and it makes me want to cry. It feels like I'm actually attract3d to him and it feels like I want to do something despite NOT wanting to. I want all these feelings to LEAVE!

I go out of my way to avoid him, contorting my body if he so much as tries to touch me. I don't look at him, and will just close my eyes and pretend I have a headache if theres no easy way to avoid looking at him. I literally can't walk by the bathroom if he's in it.

Point is, even if my problems as an adult ARE POCD, I was still irredeemable when I was younger. And if its not POCD, well then I just deserve to be burned into ash while the world cheers. It's simply not possible to be this horrible and take 21 years to notice.

(I apologize the post is formatted a bit strangely, I added onto a post I already had to fit what I wanted.)

i was in a hegans (grocery store) with my friend. and i was in one of the aisles, as i walked pasted someone with a messy bun (it didn’t really look that good) but i told the girl, “i love your hair“ because i genuinely liked how she did it, but she probably thought i was just mocking her, or taunting her..

My tolerance to many drugs is fried as shit, and I’m talking fried, like unable to trip on anything but breakthrough levels of dmt and salvia, due to lexapro and vraylar prescriptions and years of drug abuse. I just took 3 hydrocodone at whatever 10-325 means (what the bottle says), a Xanax that’s 15mg, three ecstasy pills (100 %) pure, and downed all that using a vodka and coke. I’m also coming down from a very high purity meth high, and took 60mg 2cb (didn’t make me high or trip, that’s how fucked my tolerance is for shit). I smoked some weed after downing everything and have a vape for the buzz. What do yall think is gonna happen to me if I drink more? And do yall think I’ll ever be able to properly trip on shrooms or acid? Five 450ug tabs failed to even make me have trippy thoughts, and same with 7gs of shrooms. Also I’ve done everything but datura and fentanyl so ask me anything!! But at the core of this post, if you’re anything like me, ask me what you can do to avoid this type of future or how to get out of it already. But I also need help. Do I allow my brain to think what it thinks (I’m talking Travis Barker but worse level thoughts), or do I continue to abuse the fuck out of every drug I can get my hands on just to feel anything close to human? If you’re curious about why I’m not human just feel free to ask in this AMA. Again the main focus is not even rly the drugs its my desperation to think differently and how I need help

They hurted my feelings i stuck with them for 6 yesrs

I had an event happen to me over the summer and it caused me to develop unwanted thoughts. Not only does my brain convince on something I would never do but at night especially I get REALLY bad flashbacks to during that summer. It leaves me in distress and I just want some sleep. If I could NEVER sleep again I would but ofc we can’t. So, any tips would do me wonders

I'll try to keep this as bite sized as I possibly can, but it might still be long anyway.

I did horrible things to my step siblings, whether they remember or not, when I was like, 12. Maybe 13. I'm not sure. I was a peeping tom. I had committed C0CSA. So much that I keep buried away simply because it would make everyone's already hard life more difficult if it were to be discussed.

There's a particularly disgusting thing I did when I was 12 that I'm thankful that I never fully committed to, but I had attempted to commit C0CSA against a MUCH younger child. I'm so appalled by that memory and wish I could erase it.

I got into online chatrooms and stuff. I would exchange photos and people who were either my age, or... Lying adulits. Of course, in classic young me fashion, some of the age gaps were gross in retrospect, where I was probably just a bit too old (I think there was a singular instance where I talked to someone who was 12 when I was 16.). I stopped when I was 16.

I also remembered that I had seen C.P. when I was like, 13, and didn't really think about how horrible that was.

I forgot about these things for so long, and I thought I slowly grew as a person.

But then, the OCD I suspect I have, suddenly got WAY worse. I began to ruminate way more, and that's when I remembered most of what I've already told you. Things that were just fleeting images on occasion became immediate threats.

My (supposed) POCD would then drag me farther down, and convince me I had done things I had literally never even considered.

I've convinced myself that I've m*lested my nephew in the past, either when he was just born when I was 15 (Which my brain uses my transgressions from my younger age to back it up) or even as an adult, where I would do something normal, (like cleaning him or having him sleep next to me) and my brain later says I had an ulterior motive.

I also pulled up a random memory of riding the bus with some kid when I was 14, and was playing with him and pretending to punch him between his legs. I distinctly remember feeling weird, and am now convinced I had bad intentions when doing that, and even if I didn't, I still am convinced I felt ar0used.

I've broken down as a person. Not because I don't care, but because I don't know who I am anymore. I've done bad things, can't confirm or deny that I have done WORSE things, and I just can't take being me. I'm constantly looking back in my life to when I was around a child, or had seen a child being changed, and being like "Oh God... I think I felt ar0usal/attracti0n when I was around them... How did I never think about that???"

I can't play games with kids in the without panicking anymore, can't watch TV without having a breakdown if I see a kid, I basically gaslight myself into thinking children aren't real.

So amidst this violent spiral downwards where I now feel my whole life has been nothing but a crime documentary, I got deeper and deeper into my porn addiction. I then realized that, I hadn't been deliberately looking at C.P. (though I do freak out wondering if I watch it by mistake) I had technically gone out of my way to watch l0li content. Not for them, specifically, and I didn't realize how bad some of it was for a while, but I was rewatching these things consistently. So now I feel like I was always secretly into this sort of thing.

And then, as if it couldn't get any worse, my sister and nephew have moved back in, now, and I'm constantly on edge around my nephew. It feels like my brain "notices" parts of him I shouldn't and it makes me want to cry. It feels like I'm actually attract3d to him and it feels like I want to do something despite NOT wanting to. I want all these feelings to LEAVE!

I go out of my way to avoid him, contorting my body if he so much as tries to touch me. I don't look at him, and will just close my eyes and pretend I have a headache if theres no easy way to avoid looking at him. I literally can't walk by the bathroom if he's in it.

Point is, even if my problems as an adult ARE POCD, I was still irredeemable when I was younger. And if its not POCD, well then I just deserve to be burned into ash while the world cheers. It's simply not possible to be this horrible and take 21 years to notice.

(I apologize the post is formatted a bit strangely, I added onto a post I already had to fit what I wanted.)

I've been recently having intrusive thoughts about needles poking at my eyes or piercing my eyelids. I need to blink and roll my eyes around everytime it happens to make sure nobody can accurately hit me in the eye with a needle or whatever. It's really annoying.

often times i find myself avoiding going out in public out of fear a snap and hurt somebody. when i'm around people, images of me violently attacking them will enter my head. more often than not women are the focus. when walking on the trails, if i see a woman walking with headphones in, i think "i could walk up behind her and kill her; she'd have no clue i'm right behind her." i hate the idea that i might be capable of that. avoiding people is the best i can do. i don't have someone to envision these violent thoughts on.

My sister and my nephew have officially finished moving in, and I'm just absolutely losing my mind already, as I thought I would.

I can't look at my nephew without feeling attracted and getting groinal responses. He's been walking around with his shirt off and it genuinely feels like I'm attracted to the shape of his body and my brain focuses on his private areas unless I go out of my way to not look at him.

Part of me is struggling to convince myself to use the bathroom after he's used it, because it feels immoral to use the toilet after he sat on it. I've been struggling with a debilitating addiction to p*rn and practice "self pleasure" every single day, and now I don't know how I'm going to do it because it feels wrong to do that while he's in the house. Even if he's in a different room.

I don't trust myself around him one bit. He left the door to the bathroom open earlier and I simply couldn't go back to my room until he left because I'd have to walk by the door and I was scared I'd impulsively look over. I try to just not touch him at all if I can, occasionally even contorting my body in weird ways just to avoid him. I often pretend I have a headache or am incredibly tired and close my eyes simply so that I can't see him.

And, if you have seen my recent posts, I'm convinced I have harmed him s*xually in the past, whether it was a specific intention or not, so I plan to just try and avoid him as much as possible even if it makes people upset. I refuse to allow him in my room, not just because I'm afraid of him messing with my stuff, but because I will not allow there to be an opportunity for him to be alone with me. (A long time ago someone suggested he sleep with me in my room, and I practically screamed no and demanded he have somewhere else to sleep.)

There was also this moment earlier where he wanted to show me something in his room, and I kept having this horrible thought that he was going to pull his pants down or something, and for a second I swear I felt excited despite how much I was panicking. Luckily, it was a spider.

On a slightly more minor note, they also brought their dog, and she's a sweetheart. But I end up getting groinals with her as well when she runs up against my leg looking for attention. And the longer I pet her it makes it feel like it's with s*xual intent.

Ok so, i have been having pretty terrible thoughts that keeps popping up in my head over and over again since the beginning of my birthday and school 

So before they have arrived. I wanted to do something very amazing for myself. I wanted to follow my dreams, achieve my goals as much as i can and also be a better person for myself and others, especially when it was my birthday soon, so i wanted to spend it very well and make the best memories that I will never forget. 

But something kept disrupting it and I am unable to achieve what i want. 

So about my dream. I want to be an animator for shows and or movies. I also want to be someone that made stories and cartoons. So i wanted to try and push my way further by making an account for that. 

I have once posted my drawings before and it went well. Not that it was very famous, I got a handfull of likes but I still enjoyed it. 

So I thought, of trying to push the algorithm more. But all of the sudden at summer, I kept having these unwanted thoughts.

Look, i have had unwanted thoughts before. They aren’t fun at all. Especially since it makes me stress about it so much that it makes me not be able to focus or even do things that I love doing. 

But this time, they were different. The themes of these thoughts were different and they scared me. 

I kept having thoughts telling me ‘’oh what if you are a terrible person that said harmful things to others. What if you commented something bad and that you are a disgusting person like other famous content creators’’ 

At first i ignored it, but then it kept getting worse and worse and it has gotten to a point where i kept getting thoughts like ‘’oh, you really want to be a bad person. Look at you, you are terrible. You said horrible things in comments and you are only saying that you didn’t because you want to deny the fact that you are just a performative person that just want to manipulate others to think that you are a good person’’ 

And it scared me so bad. I even kept getting thoughts telling me to delete all of my comments even though they weren’t hurtful or comments that I have said when I was very young and these comments were just me being a bit embarrassing in the comments. 

I even would dm the people that I commented on their videos and would make an apology letter. Or when they block me, i would comment a big apology letter on another public comment, tagging them and comment a whole apology letter. 

I know it sounds weird, but i don’t do this to annoy the person, i usually do this because i can’t bear the idea of hurting another person by accident and also because i hate being misunderstood. So i would try and tell them that I didn’t mean to hurt them and that I really don’t want to be a terrible person 

These thoughts because so bad to the point of deleting my old account and every comments that I made because i was afraid if i was convincing myself into thinking that those comments are ‘’not bad’’ and that they are actually terrible and that I am hallucinating about making nice comments. 

It was very tiring and also very upsetting. 

It also affect me with school. I keep getting weird thoughts telling me that others hate me and that they want me dead. 

Or that there will be groups of girls that are going to beat me up and that it deserve it because i ‘’insulted them’’ even though i didn’t talk to these grou of girls. 

Not only that, one of my friends introduced me to this same girl that I kept having these weird thoughts and said ‘’oh this is *my name*! The friend that I have been talking about. She is very nice!’’ 

We waved, but i still kept having thoughts telling me that she is disgusted by me and that she wants to hurt me because I am a bad person or a racist. 

Or thoughts telling me that her and the rest of her group of friends are going to tackle me and rip all of my hair and that I deserve it because i am a gross and evil person. 

I am so tired of this because I keep getting horrible notes at school and it is distracting me. 

It is also making me not want to chase my dreams because i kept getting thoughts telling me that i am a problematic person and that people in the world are going to hate me, and that I deserve the hate that I get. So it just felt poitless because no bad person deserves to make contents. 

Or thoughts telling me  ‘’ oh, but you know hackers exists. They are going to hack your account tant think you are disgusting’’ even though i have nothing to be afraid of

I wouldn’t want hackers to see my private things for obvious reasons. But i also don’t have any bad things to hide. 

It is true that last year, I have once had so much terrible thoughts that I kept spamming the same questions on Google asking ‘’ oh what if I am doing something unhealthy with my mental health’’ over and over again. But they have stopped and now turned into this 

I was so tired of it, I still am tired of it. 

Idk what to do either because everytime I try to ignore it, it comes back worse. It doesn’t help. I even kept having nightmares about myself doing bad things to others and it just sickened me

And I kept getting thoughts saying ‘’oh, you had a dream about this. It means that it is your true desires and that you want to be a bad person and calling them harmful things’’

And keep getting thoughts telling me that i was a bad person and that I deserve to be harmed because I bad people shouldn’t be treated like a human being. 

Or I keep getting intrusive images of people at my school doing violent things, hurting and aggressively insulting me because I am a bad person and that I deserve this type of treatment. 

I am scared of somehow being a bad person so badly. What if I am just trying to convince myself that I a, a good person to manipulate others into thinking that I am good but in reality I am a bad person. 

I even kept getting weird thoughts anytime I see someone getting scolded by teachers, principals or even secretaries. 

When I see these people misbehaving and seeing them getting scolded by the adults for misbehaving. I get thoughts telling me ‘’you should be at their place by now. You should be treated this way by adults. You are even worse than this kid. Yet you are getting yelled at. This is how much you don’t deserve such luxury of adults being kinder to you’’ 

And it even kept telling me things like ‘’ you need to admit that you are a bad person to these teachers, show them how much you are terrible because they deserve to know the truth about how you really don’t deserve being treated as a polite student’’ 

It is weird. I don’t like these thoughts. They are kind of annoying. But for some reason I agree bc, what if I actually am a bad person and is just making myself think that I am not out of denial? 

Like, maybe my thoughts are right. I should be treated terribly.

And it isn’t just with the teachers or principals either. I also get the same thoughts when it comes to police officers. 

I don’t know why. I just keep getting thoughts telling me that i am worse than the people in prison and that police officers should treat me like shit just like how they treat prisoners like shit because  ‘’ I am worse than the criminals in bars’’ and that I desserve to be dehumanized by the police, the world or just everyone in general because they should see me as such

And  again, for some reason, I agree even though I am sure that I did not do anything wrong. Because what if I am actually a bad person and that I am just very good at manipulating myself and others into thinking that I am good? I don’t want to do that. I wouldn’t do this. I could never.

But what if i am just denying it? 

Which scares me so much. Not only that, i wouldn’t want to be mistreated. Especially by adults and police officers or be a prisoner myself. It would just be traumatizing or upsetting for me. It is already traumatizing at school so I wouldn’t want this either.

But for some reason, I feel like I should be treated like a bad person. Because of how these thoughts are just so convincing. I am scared of being a bad person, but what  if i am denying about it? That is scarier 

(found this sub for the first time and ig i’ll lay it all out there) LONG VENT YIPPIE! I logically know that MOST of this isn’t true.I think i’m a horrible person who has convinced everyone else i’m not. I don’t know how I convinced them but I did. If they knew everything about me they would hate me, be disgusted, and ignore me. I know this isn’t rational but i’m so scared that i’m going to hurt someone. What if i’m secretly racist, ableist, homophobic, and every other shade of discriminatory and just havent been caught yet. I think the next words out of my mouth might hurt someone, or make them not like me. It might not be emotional hurt, I think about myself physically hurting others— even defenseless people— and it’s fucking disgusting of me. I would never do that, but i might so who knows.

If I don’t memorize missing persons posters then the missing person is going to die— but I only recently started doing that so think of how many people have died already just because I forgot. Timer countdowns make me cry, and i’m worried when they reach zero something bad will happen— but also Its very likely that I heard from somewhere that “being worried something bad will happen if you don’t do a specific thing” is a symptom of OCD and now i’m genuinely just making all of this up to pretend I have a mental health condition that I dont have. Which is horrible. And untrue. Im not making it up, I dont think, but I also probably am because all I do is lie

My harm thoughts started when I was 13, my brain told me I killed someone on the bus I got diagnosed with ocd and gad my response to my thoughts used to be different, id cry and say I didn’t wanna be this person that I’d never want to hurt anyone, after I watched true crime I would have the visions of doing it then I’d go to sleep and the next day they’d be gone. I’m 20F now and since I’ve been having s ideation to now homicidal again yesterday it felt real the voice in my head tells me I don’t care I don’t have any empathy but imma get cancelled if I do it, as if being cancelled is more important than people’s safety..I think about how the people closest to me would know then I later feel guilty as if I actually did it I just don’t understand why it’s delayed for me now I feel like what if this isn’t ocd? since I already get irritated at this person, I’ve always had an attitude with them which I know isn’t okay. I cussed that day to myself when they asked me a question which means in my head I’m capable of doing it and trying to figure out if I did, the certainty of knowing doesn’t work anymore because I don’t know? But I do know because I even asked them if anyone got hurt and they reassured me no one did and the “I felt guilty so it’s not real” doesn’t work anymore I feel so dark. I went to sleep and had violent dreams back to back but all I can think of is that scene from scream when the girl apologized after murdering people every time I feel guilty and I retrace my steps I also have false memories

I've had sexual thoughts about a girl I deemed unattractive. These thoughts suddenly started appearing when she tried to tie her pinky finger with mine. I honestly thought it was weird at first, then she suddenly said how nervous she was and that the only way she could fix it was by doing this cute, foolish stuff. Then I started noticing more about her, and suddenly, all the flaws I perceived in her before are the only things that keep me alive each day. Unfortunately, these horrid thoughts keep appearing. I can't even focus on lectures or while driving, and I don't want to write my sexual thoughts in full detail because I do not want anyone to imagine her in that position. I literally need help to stop this. I feel so ashamed and guilty. Side note: I'm starting to find her attractive too. Whenever she smiles at me, I just can't control myself. I even masturbate just because she touches my knees. Plus, I'm ashamed to admit I'm part of a friend group that heavily focuses on looksmaxing, and those friends of mine are probably the ones who will shame her just because she does not fit this foolish patriarchal standard. But who cares? I like her, or probably I love her. She's gorgeous, kind, smart, blunt, etc. And I'm sick of having these thoughts, even though she literally just passes by and my whole body flinches. I just need some constructive feedback on how to get this over with.

high thoughts "hi thoughts" so i was thinking like what if i brought weed back in time and tried to explain it to like a king so around that era, anyways so i was in my head playing a scenario randomly like "hey buddy yeah i see you got all this gold, and it will always hold value but this right here"weed" is green gold. this has as much or more to some in the futre, but gold always has value, hell even in the future people found a way to eat it!" and as soon as i just played this random thought in my head i got to thinking which is where you come in, how much gold can possibly be thought of to be found from human ***t?

i really struggle with homicidal thoughts more than i thought, i usually write about wanting to murder my friends and i just cant help but fantasize and wish there would be no consequences, they are very gruesome thoughts.