r/funny • u/MrPaulBlart • 1d ago
Steven Wright reveals his favourite joke of all-time...
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u/CielRouge74 1d ago
TIL that Steven Wright is still alive.
My favorite joke of his. - I picked up a hitchhiker. For a while, we rode in silence. Finally, I said "Put your seatbelt on. I want to try something...I saw it in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
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u/KoalaTHerb 1d ago
"I was born by C-section... You'd never know just by looking at me. But when I leave my house, I go out the window"
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u/l3ane 1d ago
"I was out in the desert and a UFO landed and these three 1 inch tall guys stepped out. They walked over to me and I said 'hey are you really 1 inch tall?' and they said 'no, we're just really really far away'".
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u/mburke6 1d ago
Mine is
>Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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u/pungent_queefer 1d ago
“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before.”
Also:
“I built a Time Machine, but it only goes forward in time at regular speed.”
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u/cans-of-swine 1d ago
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it.
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u/Odogogod 1d ago
I think I’m missing the joke here.
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u/uberrob 22h ago
The joke is they spent a long time in the car together listening to One cassette driving across country... How is it possible that he can't remember what it was?
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u/Shevek99 18h ago
That's the joke? I'd say that "switched on driving" apparently meant that they were taking turns at the wheel, but in fact they were turning the cassette.
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u/Swallagoon 12h ago
No, the joke is that they switched around the cassette every half mile so he never got a chance to listen to it properly.
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u/aleqqqs 1d ago
TIL that Steven Wright is still alive.
If he weren't, you would have no way of knowing for sure.
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u/whalemango 1d ago
If you're in a vehicle that's travelling at the speed of light, and you turn the headlights on, does anything happen?
Also, the other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. It started up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, 'Right here, officer.
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u/Panthertron 1d ago
“When I was little, one Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids. Then he said, "Now you two share."
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u/johhnny5 12h ago
I've always loved, "Two babies are born on the same day in the same hospital and they're placed in the same room together. Coincidentally, 85 years later, both of them are dying and once again they wind up in the same hospital, on the same day, in the same room. The one looks at the other and says, "So. What'd you think?"
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u/highknees69 1d ago
I had a dream last night that I was eating a giant marshmallow. This morning I couldn’t find my pillow.
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u/chrissie_boy 8h ago
I have to believe this is way older than a Steven Wright joke, even though I laughed again. I'm certain I read it in a comic when I was about 10... that's 55 years ago. And I bet it's older than that.
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u/JMEEKER86 20h ago
I used to work at a factory that made fire hydrants, couldn't park anywhere near the place.
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u/makemeking706 1d ago
I don't think I get it.
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u/100cpm 1d ago
You probably do. It's just what it seems. An absurdity delivered in his hysterical deadpan style.
IMO he's one of the greats. But I can imagine how on paper without knowing him or his delivery, it might not seem as funny as it was.
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u/makemeking706 1d ago
Is there a specific cartoon reference though?
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u/Th3_Hegemon 1d ago
To add on, not having a specific reference in mind is part of the fun. The audience gets to spend a moment considering what he might be attempting to do, which is the same mental space the hitchhiker in the story is in. You're going on the same journey they are for a moment.
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u/Affectionate_Dot5547 1d ago edited 1d ago
Anyone that was born at a time when Duracell/Everlast batteries were not commonly used is not going to get that joke. In the 80's and 90's almost every portable electronic device had to use batteries, for example 2 AAA's (small) or 2 AA's (bigger). Everything from remote controls to flashlights to walkmans or discmans or gameboys etc.. But they had to be put in a very specific direction and it was often hard to tell in which direction each one had to go in first. Sometimes it would take me 1 or 2 minutes of flipping them around in each combination until you either got it to work or figured out they were dead/expired. Maybe that helps you get the joke?
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u/talkingto_ai 1d ago
Was he driving around his apartment building? Sometimes he would forget and put his car keys in his apartment door. Apparently it was hard to park.
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u/CharcoalGreyWolf 1d ago
The ski lift joke like this is hilarious.
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u/CielRouge74 1d ago
"I haven't been on a ski lift in 10 years. I just got out of prison...I pushed a guy off a ferris wheel."
"I remember you!"
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u/smbdysm1 1d ago
I 100% thought he was part of the 27 club or something. How did he fade into obscurity for so long?!
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u/WessideLou 1d ago
You’re thinking of Mitch Hedberg? He’s not obscure. He’s just part of a comedy world that isn’t podcasting twice a week. A lot of comedians exists just doing their local circuit.
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u/smbdysm1 23h ago
🤣🤣🤣 I totally mixed them up. The way he was dead panning the joke made me think of Mitch.
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u/spader1 1d ago edited 1d ago
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
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u/Navitach 1d ago
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I got some powdered water but I didn't know what to add."
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
"Sometimes when I get real bored, I go downtown and get a really good parking space, and then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving."
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u/PressOnRegardless_IV 1d ago
I put instant coffee in the microwave; almost went back in time.
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u/spiff0224 1d ago
Saw him live. Near the end he says a joke, then said, wait I messed up, let me start again. And starts the whole show again.
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u/NecroJoe 1d ago
My favorite was the 10-15 minute long joke involving a parrot and a traffic light, and then at the very end, the punchline was "...but I'm sure that's happened to you."
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u/acdcfanbill 1d ago
Weird Al did that with his song Albuquerque when I saw him live a few years ago. He ‘lost his place’ in the song about 80% though and just started over. It’s not one of his typical cover songs that’s 3 minutes, it’s an original and it’s over ten minutes long! It was amazing to see and one of my favorite memories of a live show.
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u/4LostSoulsinaBowl 11h ago
On his tour with Emo Phillips, he would "start over" by having Emo start his set again
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u/xMeMeLoRd69x 8h ago
You have to get up PRETTY EARLY in the morning to catch ME peeping thru your bedroom windows!
(my fav emo phillips joke)
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u/anonymousUTguy 1d ago
Hosts just completely ruined the joke by interrupting
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u/iaskjeeves 1d ago
Then following up with that's what you were really thinking at your grandfather's funeral?
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u/psumack 1d ago
No no, it gets funnier when you explain the joke, I'm sure of it.
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u/Volkov_Afanasei 1d ago
I mean, Eisen asked him what his favorite joke was. It's a retrospective. He's gonna ask him about the joke. He's not just gonna sit there silent. They are reflecting on an old stand up joke.
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u/TeachIsHouse 1d ago
Yeah but the host botched the timing completely. Or perhaps whoever edited the video. It was a good joke but on first watch it's not clear that the joke was finished because it wasn't given space after ending. If he host had laughed first then talked that would have been better.
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u/Chron_Jeremy 1d ago
Kenny called… he’s in jail. He didn’t leave a number. Sincerely, the guy on the couch
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u/AreWeThereYetNo 1d ago
This rings a bell. From a show right? What was it?
Wait.. is it from half baked?
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u/unflushable_nugget 1d ago
Imagine how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
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u/shanster925 1d ago
I just finished reading the entire dictionary...turns out the zebra did it.
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u/jakeputz 1d ago
One of my favorite jokes of his
"My favorite chair's a wicker chair. It's my favorite chair because I stole it. I was at a party, a very crowded party, and when no one was looking I went over to it and I unraveled it. I stuck it through the keyhole in the door. The girl that was in it was almost killed.”
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u/feanturi 1d ago
"I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add."
"One time I was walking in the woods and I saw a bunny rabbit making shadows of people on a tree."
"I stayed up all night playing Poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
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u/coolhead2012 1d ago
My favorite: There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore, looking like an idiot.
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u/Tabula_Rasa00 23h ago
One of my favourite comedians. ‘I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.’
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u/DiminishedProspects 1d ago
I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.
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u/Zauberer-IMDB 1d ago
I heard he used to work in a factory that made fire hydrants, but he couldn't park anywhere near the place.
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u/rogerworkman623 1d ago
I’m addicted to placebos
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u/RossLH 1d ago
Drop test. Dead ones bounce.
Batteries, that is.
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u/clover44mag 1d ago
I just tried it with a 6 volt and now I have a couple broken toes
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u/jordanmindyou 1d ago
Omg I remember those! We had one in a big ass flashlight in the garage growing up…. Or was that a 12v?
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u/TheRealSoloSickness 1d ago
I always clicked em together. For some reason I could tell if this pair of AAs was gonna get me through this next cod match or not.
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u/dustin-dawind 1d ago
I wouldn't have recognized him if from seeing him, but that voice hasn't changed at all. Wonder if he still lives on that same one way dead end street.
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u/mrdoodle123 1d ago
Takes out his guitar "I'd like to play everything the Beatles ever recorded. I won't do all of Hey Jude"
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u/Searchlights 1d ago
I have a helicopter but I don't know how to land it. I tie it to a tree and leave it running.
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u/imthewildcardbitches 1d ago
One of my favourite comics of all time
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u/at0mheart 1d ago edited 1d ago
I wish there was a recording of when I saw him on tour in 2000. The whole audience was in tears for the whole 45min or so. I had to stop myself from laughing to catch my breath. All I really remember is that part of the set was about working at a planetarium.
One of the best ever
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u/AgileDarrellS 1d ago
I guess we all have our favorites. mine is "Everything is within walking distance if you have the time..."
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u/Arcopt 16h ago
I used to live in a house that had a switch on the wall that didn't do anything. I'd walk past and turn it on sometimes. 3 weeks later I got a letter from a lady in Poland, saying "Cut it out."
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u/GCSchmidt 1d ago
I had a light switch in my apartment that didn’t do anything. Every day I’d flick it on and off several times. A month later I got a postcard from Germany that said: “Cut it out.”
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u/GoTeamScotch 22h ago
"They told me practice makes perfect and then they said nobody is perfect, so I stopped practicing."
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u/Stained_concrete 14h ago
The power in my house went out and I didn't have a flashlight. All I had was the flush bulb on my camera. I took 150 pictures of my kitchen trying to make a sandwich.
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u/Foulmouthedleon 1d ago
“I bought a humidifier and a de-humidifier and put them in the same room. I want to see what happens.”
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u/MacSteele13 1d ago
TIL Steven Wright is still alive... and appeeared on the Rich Eisen Show!
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u/Bebop_Man 1d ago
I was driving down the road and saw a sign that said Rest Stop 1 Mile and I thought wow that's pretty big.
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u/WittyTip4187 22h ago
His other battery joke was one of my favorites.
"I bought some batteries the other day but they weren't included."
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u/Toshiba1point0 21h ago
I like my dental hygenist, i think she is very pretty. Whenever i get my teeth cleaned, i eat entire box of oreo cookies.
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u/billskionce 16h ago
Steven Wright is brilliant. It’s hard to believe that a lot of the new “comedians” even share the same profession as him.
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u/CalmBeneathCastles 1d ago
I love his brain. We need more independent thinkers. <3
When I discovered him, as a pre-teen in 1992, his shenanigans gave me a lot of hope for the future. It was a dark time and he was a distinct light in that darkness. Thanks, Steven!!
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u/StandYourGroundhog 1d ago
Haven't thought about him in a while but Steven Wright always had awesome lines
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u/fnork_gnork_26 1d ago
My favorite Steven Wright joke:
"I have a microwave fireplace. I can sit in front of a roaring fire all night in 8 minutes."
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u/Mad-chuska 1d ago
Explaining the joke ruins the joke. Witty as a brick.
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u/KoalaTHerb 1d ago
Do you know who this is? This comedian had a whole career of just firing off 100s of one liners back to back for standup. No explanation. I'm sure he knew what was expected for this show
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u/dogslogic 1d ago
I still love this simple one of his: "You can't have everything -- where would you put it?"
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u/Ok-Difficulty3082 1d ago
It’s the simple things in life that always hit when you think outside the box
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u/bluemoon610 1d ago
I just learned that if you drop a AA battery on its flat end on a table, maybe from an inch above the table, it bounces several times if it’s dead or dying, but lands with a thud rather than a bounce if it’s good.
I’m not sure if this works with people!
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u/coleman57 23h ago
He’s made hundreds of better jokes than that one, but I guess it was his first good one, and he’s sentimental.
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u/das_rumpsteak 21h ago
Why is the host re-stating what the guy just said? Does he think the audience didn't hear it the first time, or maybe won't understand unless he explains it?
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u/Icy_Negotiation_5929 21h ago
My dad took me to see Steven Wright when I was in high school, around ‘04. I can’t wait to show this clip to my dad.
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u/maxis2bored 19h ago
I used to work for the factory when they make hydrants, but you can't park anywhere near the place.
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u/Majestic_Ad_7134 18h ago
I have a sea shell collection. You might have seen it, scattered around the beaches of the world.
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u/Gergory1977 16h ago
I love his fire hydrant joke, " I once worked at a fire hydrant factory...couldn't park near the place! "
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u/RoundEye007 13h ago
Omg let the guy finish the damn joke. This need from some hosts to jump in and ask another question at the worst time is annoying. Interview training 101, dont talk over the guest when he's telling a joke.
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u/Therealfern1 8h ago
Brilliant. My personal favorite of his (as close as I can remember)
“ I just installed the skylight in my apartment. My upstairs neighbors are furious.”
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u/My-username-is-this 8h ago
My old favorite of his that I think of constantly: “I had dinner in a restaurant last night. I had reservations, but I went anyway.”
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