For reference, I'm a F ENFJ 3w2.
I've been trying to put this feeling into words for a while, and I'm curious whether anyone else experiences something similar.
I feel like I'm constantly in my own head. I'm always thinking, analysing, worrying about things, jumping between unrelated thoughts, thinking ahead to what I need to do next, or reflecting on my own behaviour and how I come across to people. There's so much going on internally that I sometimes forget that, from everyone else's perspective, I'm just another person going about my day. They don't know the full extent of what's going on inside my head, and their perceptions of me are inevitably different from how I experience myself.
Every now and then, I suddenly become aware of this, and it feels strangely existential and disorienting. I have to stop for a moment and consciously take in the fact that other people experience me as a person in their world, just as I experience them in mine. They only see what I express and how I behave, not the constant stream of thoughts, worries, insecurities and feelings behind it.
It sounds obvious when I write it down, but when I actually experience this realisation, it hits differently. I usually forget about it again and return to my usual train of thought, but I wonder what would happen if I sat with that feeling and reflected on it for longer.
Another part of this is that I sometimes feel like I'm performing being myself. I can become so conscious of how I'm speaking, reacting, behaving and presenting myself that nothing feels entirely natural anymore. I start questioning whether I'm being genuine, whether my reactions are sincere, whether I'm subconsciously trying to come across a certain way, or whether I'm just overthinking something that would otherwise happen naturally. It can feel like I'm observing myself from the outside while simultaneously trying to be the person I'm observing.
For example, when I'm talking to someone I care about, I might respond to what they're saying perfectly normally, but not fully absorb the emotional significance of the moment. My mind is already somewhere else, or I'm operating on autopilot. Then, if I deliberately pause and think about what's actually happening - that this is a real person talking to me, sharing something with me, expressing affection towards me, etc. - I suddenly feel much more present and connected to the experience. It's almost as though I have to consciously remind myself to be there instead of just going through the motions.
I've also noticed that I sometimes question my own sincerity because of things I've recognised in my past behaviour. I've come across discussions about narcissistic traits, defensiveness and manipulation that reminded me of certain ways I used to behave.
For context, I was quite immature at the time and hadn't experienced or dealt with much conflict in relationships. It was my first relationship, and I was around 16. Looking back, I recognise that I didn't always handle things well, and I think some of that came from inexperience and not knowing how to deal with conflict properly.
I'm not trying to diagnose myself with anything, and I know that recognising certain behaviours doesn't automatically mean you have a personality disorder. However, it's made me more conscious of the possibility that I don't always perceive my own intentions or behaviour accurately. Now I sometimes overanalyse whether I'm genuinely feeling something or whether I'm simply acting in a way that looks genuine. I can end up questioning myself so much that I don't even know what to make of my own reactions anymore.
During arguments or emotionally overwhelming situations, I can also go blank, mentally check out, or feel disconnected from what's happening. Sometimes I struggle to process what I'm feeling in the moment, which makes it difficult to tell whether I'm genuinely calm, overwhelmed, numb, or simply not thinking clearly enough to respond.
I don't experience all of this constantly, and I'm not necessarily saying that I feel detached from reality all the time. A lot of it happens in brief moments, and I often forget about it afterwards. But when I become aware of it, it can feel quite unsettling, almost as if I'm suddenly questioning the relationship between the person I experience myself as internally and the person who exists in other people's minds.
I'm wondering whether anyone else experiences a combination of these things:
- Being so caught up in your internal world that you forget other people only see the parts of you that you express externally.
- Occasionally having an existential, disorienting moment where you suddenly become intensely aware of yourself as a person existing in other people's lives, rather than just as the person you experience yourself to be.
- Feeling like you're performing being yourself because you're so conscious of your own behaviour that it becomes difficult to act naturally.
- Struggling to distinguish genuine self-awareness from excessive self-monitoring, to the point where you question your own sincerity.
- Being mentally elsewhere during experiences and having to consciously bring yourself back into the moment to actually absorb what's happening.
Does anyone else relate to this, particularly from an ENFJ perspective? I'm curious whether this is more related to overthinking and self-consciousness, or whether there's another way of understanding the experience.
I'd especially appreciate hearing from people who've experienced something similar themselves and how they make sense of it, rather than just being told that everyone overthinks sometimes.