Hello Introverted, Feeler, or Intuitive type who has come to our sub in order to ask how you can either 1) change your ESTP into someone they aren't or 2) change yourself into someone your ESTP crush will like! Because almost all of you ask nearly identical questions, I have dedicated some time to preemptively answering 95% of them. Here is the ESTP relationship FAQ.
1) I am shy/anxious/introverted. How do I get my ESTP crush to like me?
ESTPs prioritize having fun and being free over almost everything else in life. The best (only) way to get an ESTP to like you is to be physically attractive (mostly just be in decent physical shape) and BE FUN! We want a partner that can keep up with us at 100 miles per hour, who doesn't mind that we are always looking for novel experiences and new tests of our abilities. Be cute, be flirty, be fun to be around, have good energy. DO NOT come over all serious, controlling, jealous, or emotional with an ESTP. The ESTP will find this off-putting and turn on the ESTP spidy-sense telling them to run away. They want fun and freedom. Don't impinge on either and you've got a good shot. It's not rocket science.
2) My ESTP Significant Other /Crush/Friend-with-benefits feels cold and distant. How do I get them to open up?
Despite what feelers tend to think, ESTPs don't "bottle up" their emotions. It's just the case that ESTPs don't navigate the world using emotion, and emotions just aren't that important to us. Of course we have them, but we don't understand them that well, and they are very low on the priority list. We aren't hiding our feelings from you, we just aren't really aware of them at the time because they aren't particularly strong or we aren't interested in whatever emotion we are feeling. Honestly, stop asking. It's not going to happen!
3) I want to sit and talk with my ESTP, but they never make the time to just talk!
Contrary to popular MBTI opinion, ESTPs are not chatty people. Our dominant Se is an action oriented function, and our secondary function Ti is a hard logic, judging function. Don't try to sit down and "just talk" or vent with an ESTP unless you want a fairly cold, action-oriented solution to your problem. Sitting down to just talk will result in a bored ESTP, nodding and smiling and not listening to a word you're saying. The ESTP will tolerate this once or twice, but if it becomes consistent, they will start to avoid you because they will feel that you are wasting their time.
4) My ESTP keeps springing things on me last minute and never lets me know in advance when they want to spend time with me. This makes me feel like an afterthought.
ESTPs, as a general and fairly hard rule, HATE planning. We don't plan in advance unless there is a strategically prescient reason to. This behavior has nothing to do with you, and you are likely not an afterthought. The ESTP didn't come up with this plan or event a week ago and just now thought to invite you. Instead, the ESTP just now came up with this idea on the fly, and you were probably the first person that came to mind that the ESTP wanted to do this thing with. Take it as a compliment that they went out of their way to do any logistical work at all to include you.
5) My ESTP only cares about the physical part of sex, but it's really emotionally meaningful for me and I need my ESTP to meet me on that level.
Don't hold your breath on this one. ESTPs are not highly tuned emotional creatures. Instead, ESTPs seek sensational novelty. They usually don't see sex as an emotional activity, or as particularly meaningful. ESTPs are usually sexually adventurous and enjoy new positions, locations, NEW PEOPLE, role-play, kinky stuff. They want to try and see what it is like! Of course, there are ESTPs who really like pure, vanilla sex, but it's probably never going to be an emotional connection. That being said, sometimes ESTPs will want raw, animalistic SEX, and sometimes they will want some passionate lovemaking, both are interesting.
6) I tried to build a deeper connection with my ESTP, really opened up, and my ESTP ghosted/ignored/distanced him/herself! I'm feeling hurt and confused.
ESTPs get a really strong spidy-sense, a visceral gut reaction against anything that feels like it's about to turn overly serious, locked-down, constrained, or might impinge on their pursuit of fun and freedom. This doesn't necessarily mean that ESTP will never commit to a relationship. And when they do, it is usually a to-the-dying-breath sort of loyalty. However, this is quite rare. Don't assume you have this with your ESTP unless you have really good reason to do so. Being overly serious, emotionally dependent, or having the "so where do we stand" talk are all great ways to signal to your ESTP that it's time to pack their bags and find someone new. If you want deep, lasting connection, you're looking in the wrong place (almost all of the time. You'll know it when you see it).
7) My ESTP cheated-on/ghosted me! I want to teach the ESTP a lesson.
ESTPs don't care about your mind games. ESTPs hate being manipulated, and if you try to teach them a lesson or play psychological games with them, and they pick up on it (no guarantee on that), they won't become jealous or remorseful. They will now hate you. They won't grovel, apologize, or come crawling back, they will avoid you like the plague. Congratulations, your ESTP has gone from thinking of you as a fun experience and good memories to hating your guts.
8) How do I make my ESTP happy? I give them compliments/gifts and I get blunt responses!
See 1). Additionally, ESTPs probably have physical touch really high up on the love language list. Definitely get frisky if it's that sort of relationship, cuddles are good sometimes too. Complimenting ESTPs on things they don't care about won't make much of a difference to them. Because they aren't emotionally driven, you won't get effusive responses even if the compliment or gift was really meaningful. ESTPs like to be seen as competent in whatever they do, and have a high desire for status. Try to acknowledge their technical, intellectual, artistic, or professional abilities, which often go unacknowledged rather than their attributes. This will probably mean a lot to them. "I was really impressed by how well you handled that situation," or, "Wow I haven't thought of that concept like that before!" will mean so much more than, "you look really sexy today." (Particularly if they don't get laid after this comment).
9) My Experiences with ESTP is that they lead me on but don't commit!
Yup. See 1) and 7). ESTPs want the fun, not the baggage. Call it shallow, but it works for the ESTP. The ESTP probably isn't bothered by the fact that this isn't what you want from the relationship, or that you expect something different from them. They probably won't lie to get you in bed, but they might. They probably won't "cheat" on you in the early days of a relationship, but they might. Name calling or attacks based on emotion will have little affect on the ESTP. Honestly, this is boring and ESTPs don't care.
10) I'm a XXXX type. I have Y and Z attributes and I have this HUUUGGEE crush on an ESTP. Will the ESTP be my soul mate/ can we have the relationship that I fabricated in my daydreams?
No, probably not. First, ESTPs as a general rule don't really care about MBTI, even if they are on this sub. We don't care what your type is. We don't care that the internet has decided we have an ideal match, or that we can or can't date different people based on functions or any of that nonsense. Second, all of the criteria for a relationship with ESTPs has already been laid out above. it's very simple. Be active, be cute/sexy, be fun, don't try to tie the ESTP down. Stop asking these sorts of questions.
And that does it for the ESTP Relationship FAQ. I expect the frequency of redundant relationship posts to recede. Thank you for your time.
