This just now happened...

Went into O'Reilly for brake pads. Guy at the counter said, "What are you needing today?"

I said, "I need brake pads."

He got his fingers on the keyboard and said, "OK, what's it for?"

I said, "It helps your car stop."

Thankfully she came around.

It was a Jim, Jimothy, Jim, Jimothy, Jim, Jim jury.

Me: 0mg

I can’t believe it’s not better

I asked him "Where do you think they get #2 pencils?"

Their words, not mine.

I said: "No, I keep telling them it's for you."

I am not here to impress a mentally ill child

I thought I’d treat myself.

I lost in the first round. I didn't do well!

Because they rot quickly.

Okay, maybe Napoleon didn't design his coat. But he definitely had a hand in it.

It was offal

Wife - What makes you say that?

Husband - He’s been miserable lately.

A father figure.

He said it had progressed into eleventitis

I got bronze.

Like photos and mirrors for example.

First Period.

Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.

The confusion is driving me nuts and pissing me off.

Mom - why would I pick you?

I guess I'm a grower, not a shower.

(A) A bird
(B) A plane
(C) None of the above