“Most domestic cats live 12 - 15 years before passing on.”
7 year old me couldn’t comprehend what passing on meant at the time. All I understood was that I could have 12 - 15 years with a cat, and I was happy. He must have been only a few weeks old when I found him at my grandpa’s barn. I liked hanging out in the hay loft because it was quiet and peaceful. I heard him before I saw him. His mewing led me to him. From that day on, we called him Mew.
A couple months later, we brought him home. I wasn’t thinking about what would happen 12 - 15 years from that day. I was busy making the most of that time. Mew turned out to be the perfect name for him. He never lost his vocal side. He was probably more reliable than my alarm clock at waking me up at 6 in the morning. He was also sure to be waiting at the top of the stairs when my brother and I got home from school. Even before we could get our key in the lock of our door, we could hear him from the other side, chastising us for being even a second late.
When we were home, Mew was a snugglebug. He loved to be picked up and carried around. He would insist on climbing over tables and couches in order to be with us and see what we were doing, even if the task at hand required 0 cats. But he was the sweetest cat. I know every cat owner insists that their cat is special, but Mew really was special. He was the sun. Steady. Constant. A source of light and warmth in my life.
I remember one day when I was 9 or 10, Mew was curled up next to me and I looked over at him and cried. It was the first time that the term “passing on” actually clicked with me. I don’t know what triggered it at that moment. I just knew that one day I’d lose him, and I never wanted that day to come. Time passed, and I watched him change. Small things started to remind me of what was coming. Poor appetite. Arthritis. Lethargy. A week ago he went to the vet and that day that I dreaded became real. October 14th.
I told myself that with this time I would take pictures and videos and spend time with him. But I can’t bring myself to even look at him without feeling grief and sadness. A few days ago I let him outside for his supervised patio time. In that sunlight, he looked content. Finally, I wanted to grab my phone and take a picture, but I didn’t want to take myself out of that moment. I sat outside with him for a while. It was perfect; just like when we were young. We were having our moment in the sun, wishing it would never set. I realized why I was having such a hard time looking at him. It was like watching the sun set knowing it’s never going to come back up again.
Barely made it through work today. Didn’t even have the front door closed yet when I broke down. Mew was once again waiting for me at the top of the stairs for the last time. My sun was setting for the last time. My chest hurts. My throat aches. My eyes are sore.
I know that the sadness I feel now is the trade-off. For 17 years worth of memories. For 17 years of joy. For 17 years of love. It makes that sadness hurt so much more.
But it’s worth it. Every last drop of sadness I feel now is worth it for the time we had together. I love you so much Mew.