THIS POST WAS PINNED TO THE TOP OF THIS GROUP AND HAD OVER 500k views. Somehow it was *deleted from within my account, which I didn’t do. Which is honestly pretty scary. Posting again because of how many messages I received that it was helpful.
Speaking from recent experience:
Sad Fact: Not every man who calls himself a Dom is actually capable of safely handling your submission. And if you let the wrong guy in— one who lacks emotional maturity or an actual understanding of the psychology of submission— you’re not just signing up for some mediocre bedroom experiences. You’re putting your heart, mind, and nervous system in the hands of someone who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, causing a ton of psychological distress. (Possibly long term, possibly making your own desires and kinks a trigger for you later. Which absolutely sucks.) I just watched this happen to two women, by one highly uneducated and relationally immature man who called himself an experienced Dom. (But for some reason none of his past serious partners will speak to him anymore…) He’s a good guy in other ways, creative, funny, affectionate, but unfortunately that does not equal safety in D/s.
So here’s the master list, the non-negotiables, the “if he doesn’t have these, run” guide to finding a Dom who is actually worth your time (and trust).
THE ESSENTIAL QUALITIES OF A DOM WHO WON’T BREAK YOUR BRAIN
✅ He Asks Real, Thoughtful Questions About Your Submission. A Dom should be obsessed with understanding what submission means to you, not just what turns HIM on. If he’s not constantly asking things like:
How do you want to feel in submission? What parts of this dynamic nourish you? What fears come up for you, what parts would you like to adjust? —then he’s not leading. He’s guessing, or kink pushing. And your safety (emotional, psychological, and physical) should never be a guessing game. Your desires as a sub are equally important. Too many people think you just show up and do what they say, hell no! That’s only fun after ALL of the conversations about the desires and drives of BOTH people. This is a relationship. It requires both people understand what a healthy relationship looks and feels like and what healthy relationship communication is.
🚩 If this is missing: He will just project his own kinks onto you, assuming he understands because he’s just unconsciously trying to slide you into HIS desires. At best, this leads to disconnect and disappointment. At worst, it leads to serious emotional/psychological harm because you’re not being seen or heard, but still used.
✅ He Creates Emotional & Psychological Safety Before Anything Else
You sit down together, outside of any roles or dynamic and talk about these things. D/s is a RELATIONSHIP. You talk about it as two, separate, humans outside of any power exchange. Before rules, before rituals, before telling you to call him Daddy— you should feel deeply, instinctively safe with him. You hand your power over intentionally, when you are READY, and it is clear when it is returned. This means: You never feel like you’re walking on eggshells. He listens, absorbs, and adjusts to your needs. He knows that psychological and relational safety is what makes deep surrender possible and actually prioritizes that over his own desires. A good Dom understands the big picture, wants to FACILITATE, not just fulfill his kinks. You have the clarity to know what’s happening in the power dynamic, so you can ENJOY it.
🚩 If this is missing: You will either shut down, become psychologically compartmentalized, or bypass yourself trying to keep him close because submission often comes with dependance. Either way, you will not be able to fully surrender—because your body and mind won’t let you, and you may end up having to choose between the relationship or doing things that you don’t feel good about later, and don’t feel ok bringing up, feeling completely isolated in your experience.
✅ He Takes Responsibility, Not Just Control A real Dom owns his mistakes, actively checks in, and adjusts when something isn’t working. He WANTS regular check ins. He doesn’t gaslight, deflect, or ignore your feedback when something feels off. He leads with accountability, not just authority. He fully understands subspace, and what is and isn’t safe in that state. You feel his respect for who you are both in and out of the dynamic.
🚩 If this is missing: You’ll feel unheard, invalidated, and start doubting your own needs. You’ll feel lost because your body and psychology are attached to the dominance of someone who doesn’t even know you, which is terrifyingly disorienting. You’ll say yes to things in subspace, and feel uncomfortable later that he didn’t respect that vulnerability of body and mind.
✅ He’s Not Just Role-Playing Dominance—He Embodies Presence
He walks through the world with care and empathy for others. He is solid in his communities and respected by the people who know him well. He allows himself to be a whole human and can be present with his own emotions in a healthy way as well. Not repressing, or raging. (Because if he can’t be with his own feelings, he definitely can’t be with yours.) The highest forms of this dynamic make space for and include our emotional sides. His leadership doesn’t feel performative or hot/cold.
🚩 If this is missing: You will feel like you’re constantly trying to decipher whether his dominance is real or just a mask. And when the mask slips (because it will), you’ll be left feeling disappointed, unfulfilled, or straight-up unsafe. You won’t feel safe sharing your needs, as they will trigger discomfort in him.
✅ He Knows Submission is a Gift, Not a Right The best Doms? They revere submission. They see it as something sacred. They never take it for granted or treat it like a service you owe them. If he’s truly worthy of your submission, he will make damn sure that surrendering to him feels like the best, safest, most nourishing choice.
🚩 If this is missing: He will expect submission without earning it. And that, my friends, is how you end up with a man who thinks “dominance” means control without conversation. Prompting you to call him Daddy before he’s even broken up with his previous sub. Telling you to get on your knees without having any clue if that’s a part of submission you’re actively signing up for.
Most important: HE HAS EDUCATED HIMSELF.
A real Dom doesn’t just rely on instincts—he educates himself. If he’s not actively learning about power exchange, psychology, nervous system regulation and emotional safety, he’s just making it up as he goes. And guess who suffers for that? You. Your brain chemicals, your attachment system, your mental health and potentially your future relationships to your own sexuality and to other people.
✅ He Reads, Studies, and Learns—Books, workshops, actual discussions with experienced people about nuanced consent and safety. If his entire education is porn, Fetlife and Reddit threads, run.
✅ He Learns From You—Your needs, fears, patterns. He asks, listens, and adapts. If he assumes he already knows best, he doesn’t.
🚩 If he skips this step: His “dominance” will be control without care, ego-driven, and likely damaging. He will expect submission without earning it— and he won’t know how to repair trust when he inevitably messes up.
So… If he hasn’t studied, he hasn’t earned your submission. Leadership requires knowledge. Dominance requires leadership. If he won’t put in the work, he doesn’t get the privilege of YOU.
👿WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU CHOOSE A DOM WITHOUT THESE QUALITIES?
You will feel anxious instead of held. You will second-guess your own needs. You will spend more time trying to feel safe in the relationship than surrendering into it. You will question your own worth outside of your body. You will confuse “intensity” with “depth” and not realize the difference until you’re emotionally exhausted, and psychologically attached.
You will, at some point, find yourself ranting to a friend or therapist about how this guy “just does not get it,” and she will gently suggest that maybe, just maybe, it’s because he’s an emotionally stunted man who wanted power and control of your body and mind but not the IMMENSE responsibility that comes with that. And you deserve so much better than that.
Now go forth, be discerning, and don’t let any dude with fragile masculinity and a half-baked DDLG kink convince you that he’s the Daddy you’ve been looking for.
The world needs women to be EMPOWERED by their own play and submission, and there are absolutely Doms that can do that. Wait for one, you deserve it. ❤️❤️❤️
The resource I recommend most, is the book The Heart of Dominance. For both sides of the slash.
I also firmly believe no one should be practicing kink if they don’t have high level interpersonal skills. Too much damage can be done if people don’t know what healthy relationships look feel and sound like. For that, I recommend the books by Sue Johnson, Jillian Tureki and online courses with Mark Groves. Also, a book called Becoming The One.
TL;DR: A Dom who doesn’t educate himself is just a boy on a power trip. Real dominance requires study, emotional intelligence, and actual effort. If he isn’t reading, learning, and deeply understanding YOU, he hasn’t earned your submission. Leadership isn’t instinct— it’s a skill. If he won’t put in the work, he doesn’t deserve the role. Your emotional wellness matters.