I love the whole sub dom space that my husband and I have established in the bedroom. Sometimes it’s lovemaking and sometimes it’s fun punishment. Sometimes even serious punishment when needed and wanted. Sometimes I struggle with how we are trying to establish TPE.

We have been married for 20+ years and we already had some elements of TPE because I’m a people pleaser by nature but I still have somewhat of a feisty spirit. Especially after feeling like I finally found my voice from being a pleaser for so long. I realize that it is partially the point to be a people pleaser for your Dom. But because I’m feeling so strong with my opinions, he gives up on his dom role. He’ll tell me I’m not letting him lead with all decisions but then asks for my opinions often…and then talks me out of them which is frustrating and odd to me. And sometimes it’s just miscommunication between us. Maybe both of us not asking enough questions about certain situations. I also have audADHD (have my whole life) where sometimes I’m all for fun and sometimes I am just wanting to be reserved and quiet. So for a long time, that was hard for us both to figure out what was going on. I feel like I am giving up my voice sometimes to be a sub.

And the whole point of why we chose to do this is because for the most part I get overwhelmed with decision-making even when I feel strongly about some subjects. I also just totally forget to do my role sometimes like kneeling or wearing collars because I’m tired from every day life. And to be fair, the world new is getting confusing for women too and what our roles are. I know it’s different for everyone but still. Are there any other couples who had this difficulty of finding the balance?

Hello!

Still new to 24/7 here - it's going well- we are learning, reading, talking, playing, and evolving. My husband is having a wonderful time and watching him come out of his shell and grow into my Mister is so much fun- he's getting yummier by the day.

But- one thing I am finding I would like are some like minded submissive connections to brainstorm/chat with. Sharing ideas- what you like, how you evolved, ways you found to explore/express, etc.

For the like minded piece- I have met a couple of other subs already, but our desires/perspectives were incredibly different and there wasn't much for us to talk about...so I thought I'd try here and just be a bit up front about myself.

I am highly aroused by the MUTUAL trust and respect component that BDSM brings along with it. I am not interested in blindly serving/obeying anyone- if the trust/respect is not mutual, then none of this makes sense to me.

I am an equal, albeit different, half of the whole in this kind of relationship .I am interested in expressing my trust through outlets like bondage, sensory play- including lighter impact, and rituals/service on a day to day basis. I am not interested in any form of degradation.

I am overtaken by the mental components of this lifestyle. I am a sapiosexual and the various ways to integrate this lifestyle into my own psychology/mentality/intellect/etc....are *mouthwatering*. I am very interested in developing those parts of the relationship. All of the physical stuff is very secondary for me.

I would love to find another submissive who feels this way to chat with, however I would be open to speaking with more dominant people as well- I have found that it's easier for me to find dominant people to talk with, simply because I am a female submissive looking for connection....and that is a lot like being chum in an ocean full of sharks.

My wife/sub and I/ dom have a very busy lives. We have two kids, both are on a fitness journey, plus we have others that live with us. ( older family members).

So I come here to ask for some advice on how to keep the dynamic alive. Like I would love to have her greet me at the door, kneeling and nude ( she would too) but can’t really do that when the kids are running around the house. She is collared and we do kneeling time when the kids are in bed but that has slowly become a chore for both of us.

We love the dynamic it just feels like it fall to the wayside.

Wondering if anyone has advice or suggestions to help.

Hello! I'll try to keep this fairly brief, but I've seen a lot of people in this sub talking about how they didn't start 24/7 or even D/S dynamics in their relationships until 5, 10, 15 years into their marriages and now they feel more connected to their partners. I thought this might be the right place to ask my questions as opposed to r/BDSM where folks might be trying to engage in the broader scene more as opposed to adapting intimacy in an existing relationship.

The short version is that my partner and I have been together for 13 years, and we got together when I was 20 and he was 23. I had never dated before him, so he's my only relationship and sexual experience, and he had one relationship before me and a couple of hookups but he even says his sexual experience outside of our relationship isn't that broad.

We have a great relationship, we love each other and are very connected, but like a lot of long term couples the intimacy has had its ups and downs as we went through life changes and got older. We're actually in a great stage now of reconnecting and have talked about trying things out, but I'll be honest and say that I really struggle to communicate about my deeper desires when it comes to BDSM.

He is aware that I have an interest, he playfully calls me very subby, and we've tried things like spankings here and there / rougher play, etc., but I think the thing that I struggle to articulate is how much more I would want. I love the formality of D/S. I love the idea of rituals, honorifics, rules and play both in and out of the bedroom context. I day dream about what it would be like to be collared more often than not.

That being said, my independent interest level in kink is much higher than his. Based on what we've talked about over the years I have no doubt that he would discover a lot about himself if we got more kinky, but right now I think I'm the driver in terms of pushing my desires forwards and finding a middle ground. I'll also add that we do not have children and don't plan on having children, so navigating kink around kids is not something we would need to do. I also have some general curiosity about kink spaces outside of the house, but I'm less interested in exploring those as I am exploring a dynamic with the person I love.

Does this resonate with anyone? Do you have any advice on the right way to bridge this and communicate about it? It's really heartening to me to read so many success stories in this sub about finding kink later in relationships because I feel a bit like I'm at a real decision point in my life. I love and want my relationship, but I also don't want to regret not exploring a part of me that I think is very real and could be very fulfilling.

Thank you to anyone taking the time to read this or provide their thoughts. I really appreciate it!

Hello there.

So hubby and I are NEW to this. We've been married over 10 years, but just recently (within a few months) I discovered that I am very interested in exploring my submissive side. I met a person online while chatting that led me down this rabbit hole and introduced me to these concepts. It turned my brain on HARD- and there is no turning it off now. I spoke with my husband about it and he is very interested. He wants to and has wanted to explore his dominant side for a very long time.

We have found some resources- we are currently listening to "Conquer Me" together as a starting point- was recommended to me via reddit. The person that I had met online had been open and willing to talk with me regarding my progress with real life, but he has unfortunately vanished and I do hope he hasn't been hit by a bus....gotta love the perils and risks of online engagements.

Anyway - husband and I are very open to resources/ideas/concepts/direction that could help us get into a consistent and stable routine. We want to start small and basic and then grow into it. Right now we are just trying to figure out a "greeting ritual" throughout the day- we both work from home, so jumping to attention every time he walks by is a bit much for me...but I do want to show him my commitment and respect. Does anyone else balance full time life with also working together all day? We also have a daughter- so our evenings are more "off" right now, at least until she is in bed.

There's so much to balance and looking for even a starting point is a bit overwhelming. The engagements we have managed have been *very* enjoyable for both of us, and we are also working on building trust in new areas, finding our power balance and talking about what boundaries we are and aren't comfortable pushing.

Hi, not sure where else to ask this. My wife/sub has expressed an interest in me fucking her with random objects to up the level of humiliation. Im totally ok with this but after a few obvious things im struggling to come up with things that are safe to put in her. She's not really into oversized toys or stretching. Any and all ideas welcome.

Thanks

Hi, not sure where else to ask this. My wife/sub has expressed an interest in me fucking her with random objects to up the level of humiliation. Im totally ok with this but after a few obvious things im struggling to come up with things that are safe to put in her. She's not really into oversized toys or stretching. Any and all ideas welcome.

Thanks

Spouse and I started on this journey a few years back after he finally admitted our sex life was lacking and he was unhappy. I didn’t realize he was wanting more kinky sex, just thought he wanted more frequency. After 10+ years of marriage he mentions he had previously been in the lifestyle but never brought it up to me because he was afraid I’d judge him. (His previous ex did).

I agreed to try as it seemed interesting and I’m willing to try new things (I’m pretty vanilla). I had (have) no idea what to expect, how to act or what to do. I’ve researched, read books, tried to ask questions, but I’m totally clueless.

We talked about aftercare but honestly not sure why that’s needed. I truly don’t understand. I’m not sure where to turn and this is the only place I feel comfortable. Sad I know.

Thank you in advanced.

And how long have you been married? What sparked the kink? Or do you feel like your personality just natural gravitated toward it gradually? ☺️

Been trying to find creative ways for my wife/sub and I to refer to one another, beyond the traditional D/s honorifics. Was wondering if any other married couple had unique/original ways to refer to each other within the dynamic/marriage.

We talk a lot about growth, but what does it actually look like behind the scenes? Let’s explore the how of self-awareness, the methods we use to assess ourselves as individuals and evolve in our roles as Dominant and Submissive, or our spousal roles.

Hi, new here!

My wife and I just started to explore a dom/sub relationship as a married couple. Roles are, husband (me) Dom / wife (her) Sub. Looking for any insight into exploring this dynamic. She expressed interest in rules, protocol, structure etc. I would like to explore a workbook or list with an itinerary, some sort of structure plan that is written I can modify with maybe some reward/punishment examples. Any examples of existing guides is much appreciated!

Happy to be here!

The next few weeks we are going to be reviving some foundational topics that warrant a re-visit from time to time.

Aftercare is the pre-negotiated ritual completed after a scene or D/s interaction concludes. It's intended to reaffirm both spouses' consent and enthusiastic participation in what just happened, and to take immediate steps for any potential drop in either partner.

Drop is what happens when the endorphins and brain chemicals that surge during a scene suddenly dissipate, or "drop." It can show up physically right after (shaking, crying, chills, shock-like symptoms) or mentally, sometimes with delayed onset of hours or even days.

For submissive spouses, drop can often look like standard depression: loss of interest, withdrawal, crying.
For Dominant spouses, drop can often look like a shame spiral, negative self-talk, and/or isolation.

What does aftercare and drop support look like in your marriage? Things to think on as you answer:

Did you adapt something that you had already done as a vanilla married couple to suit D/s or did you complete something totally new?

Do you scale aftercare to the intensity of the scene?

How do you recognize drop in yourself or your spouse, and what do you do about it?

If you don't do aftercare or have never experienced drop... please still read the thread and learn from others' experience. No need to comment that the question doesn't apply to you.

Are collars part of your dynamic? What is the symbolism as compared to your wedding band, do they have a different meaning entirely or just an added layer of commitment?

Hi all! Despite being a moderator of this subreddit, I am actually a little different from most of the people here. My Dom and I have been together for 2 years and have had some huge milestones this year: pregnant with our first child, formally collared, and newly engaged! I think most people here were married and then found kink, but we have done the journey in the opposite way: kink first, marriage second.

I am hoping to rely a little bit on this community as we transition from being DINKs with a very kink forward lifestyle to finding ways to continue to have kink woven throughout our life as the focus shifts to becoming parents.

We were living medium protocol TPE on the day to day, but now our entire focus has shifted to becoming parents for the first time. A lot of the rituals we do in the day to day will still work, and the bedroom will be fine once we get back to it, but the intentionality and the us factor underneath it all is what I am most worried about.

ETA: To anyone that has become first time parents together while in an established dynamic, I would love to hear what surprised you most about how your dynamic shifted, and what did you wish you'd talked about beforehand? Were you in a dynamic before you had kids and you had to transition? what is/was your dynamic like prior and post kids? did you do anything specific to prioritize your dynamic or in hindsight is there anything you wish you all had discussed prior to baby coming?

Also some context on our dynamic: we are 24/7 TPE so there is no off switch. We have lots of nonsexual rituals that exist solely to support our dynamic by reinforcing our roles in ways that are meaningful to us, but are not necessarily obvious to anyone else. I make his lunch and coffee every morning, as example. Maybe old fashioned, but nothing that needs to be hidden from children or non-consenting adults. Just in case that helps someone give advice!

My Master (M husdom) and I (F slave) have recently started a 24-7 M/S dynamic at my urging. I think we both have embraced it and I’ve seen improvements in our already strong marriage.

My struggle is having to turn it off and on because someone is always at our house or we go visit family. For instance when our adult kids and/or grandkids come over, these are not typically quick visits, they can be several hours or multiple days in a row and we go back to just being “babe or honey”. When that visitor is gone and I feel like I’m getting back into my role, here comes someone else who wants to visit or stay with grandma and grandpa for a night or a week.

I’m looking for suggestions on how to not completely stop the dynamic but to continue in a less obvious way that still feels real M/S to us. I’m starting to get discouraged that we won’t ever be able to live the life I desperately desire and that it’s becoming less of a priority because of interruptions.

For the past few years, my wife has slowly (but eagerly) become my free use (monogamous) submissive in the bedroom completely, and out of the bedroom mostly (we have teen children, aren’t trying to make things weird for them). Over the last few weeks, she has done a few things that have cemented our roles, such as calling me “sir” consistently instead of her normal “pet name” for me, giving me full control of her finances and schedule, and being open to a more advanced level of “risqué” during our upcoming child-free vacation in a couple of weeks (this is surprising, bc she’s been EXTREMELY nervous about our visit to a “spicy resort”).

ETA: I wont go into specifics about our sex life, but over the same timespan, we’ve similarly cemented our individual roles in that capacity as well.

As both a reward and a symbol of her submission/my ownership of her, I’ve purchased her what I call a “beginner’s belonging necklace” for our trip. The rest of the world calls it a day collar, but that title makes her uneasy, so we’ll call the rose another name. I told her about it last night; she tried to play it cool, but I could tell she got a bit excited. She has even been buying more revealing bikinis for the trip, and has hinted that she would be more than willing to go topless in the pool (she had that as a hard stop until recently). All of her submission and my free use of her has truly made our marriage magical.

And I sit here thinking to myself, “If it weren’t for the stigmas and ignorance of this lifestyle, how many marriages would this same arrangement help/save?” In a society where we have 50% divorce rates and 20-30 somethings refusing to marry bc they “haven’t discovered who [they] are yet”, I’ve found that getting married and evolving together, as opposed to trying desperately to find someone who you’re perfectly compatible with from the start, is the answer (HOLY RUNON SENTENCES, BATMAN!).

But I may be mistaken. Did you and your spouse enter the marriage already as D/s, or did the two of you eventually evolve into the roles you have? Did it help your marriage, or was it just a fun bonus?

Has anyone done this? I'd love to know more about how you approached it etc? My wife and I have a free use, kinky sex life but I am keen to explore expanding our D/s in a more everyday lifestyle direction. I think if done well she would love it. But it's a big risk of a conversation and we are 10yrs in with 2 kids and a mortgage. She is the love of my life and I don't want to ruin anything. Plus of course it would need to be super careful given the presence of our kids. Any thoughts/advice welcome. 🙏

Between my HusDom and me, while I have the higher kink drive, he has a higher libido. We’ve found a lot of ways to meet in the middle by featuring lighter kinky elements like dirty talk, rougher handling, etc., in our intimacy, but sometimes I wish we could incorporate more kinky things.

Yesterday, HusDom surprised me by handing me his belt and spontaneously ordering me to go upstairs. Not quite sure what was happening, I obeyed and kneeled while waiting for him, holding the belt out. When he came up, he grabbed a leather cuff set that we bought on Valentines but haven’t used all that much, and proceeded to cuff me into a forced, “face down, ass up” position. From there, we proceeded to have an impact session with the belt with him mostly striking my ass and back upper legs. Then, he reclipped the cuffs so I was forced to stay kneeling, and I proceeded to service his cock until he came in my mouth.

I think he sensed that I was wanting a bit more and I love that he just went for it. It’s things like this where I’m just like, “How did I get so lucky??”

Just want to share a happening last night that you might even call a breakthrough for my sub/wife and I. For context, my wife and I are now over a year into the BDSM breakthrough that rather quickly led to 24/7 D/s. It has given us much life as individuals, not to mention incredible added depth in our marriage.

So my sub has family visiting town this weekend. They're extended family, so I don't know them as well, and she's the only one of us who's in communication with them. She wants to host them for a cookout. She asked if that was ok with me, and of course it was, and then started communicating with them to work out the details.

Last night, she and I had a tense conversation, and neither of us could put our finger on why. It was about the details for the visit, like what I would be cooking on the grill. Both of us were agitated, uneasy, and stressed. Something was wrong. (It doesn't help that it was also right before our kids' bedtimes, so we had to pause it in the middle-- geesh.)

Well, while putting the kids to bed, it hit me-- the circumstances had inadvertently swapped our power roles, the roles that help us function so well and that we've grown quite accustomed to. Because she was communicating with her family, she was deciding everything and having trouble communicating it with me-- because that's not how we do things anymore!

After the kids' bedtimes, I stood over her in an intentionally Dominant way and said, "That was a tense conversation earlier, and I think I know why." I explained, and I could see her eyes getting big-- she was clearly feeling relief simply from me taking back control and being on it.

Then came the key moment. I said, "*I* want to host your family for a cookout. And *I* need your help to do it, including communicating with them and working out some of the details. I need you to do that *for me,* and I need you to communicate to me what they need."

I added, "I know these are just words and that nothing is actually changing here..." and she very quickly replied, "No, they're not just words. This is how we function, and it really works. Thank you, Sir. I'm on it."

It felt like a big win, maybe even a power-up in our dynamic. I don't suppose D/s is for everyone, but for us, it is really, really awesome.