My parents have told me this thousands of times when I was a kid and teenager. I never understood it and still don’t and I’m wondering if anyone else has been told they are specifically selfish. They meant it with their whole hearts when they said it and it was not only hurtful but confusing. I can’t even provide specific examples because it was constant and for no reason when they went on their tirades

I’m not trying to be rude, i am just perplexed when we talk sometimes. Having a conversation with her makes me want to bang my head into a wall. You can explain something 2-3 times and it just doesnt stick, and the conversation circles back to you having to elucidate further. Or she interrupts you to contradict you somehow so bad you cant even get information out to begin with.

Sometimes i think she is pretending to be in the conversation on autopilot while distracted by something else, but there are times were i help her with her finances where she needs to focus and be interested. It feels like i’m helping a child put blocks in the right shape holes sometimes.

Like i could really get into examples but i mostly just want to rant because it’s troubling realizing your parent is just dumb. I am thankful to have other outlets in my childhood, i learned nothing but chaos from her.

My dad was a classic narcissist and alcoholic who terrorized my siblings and I growing up. My siblings dealt with him by trying to stay quiet and out of his way. I was the scapegoat and got the brunt of his atrocious behavior because I pushed back and stood up for us when he was at his worst.

One weekend (when my mom was terminally ill) some of my best friends came to help clean the house, landscape the yard, cook and spend time with her.

My dad pulled me aside that evening and said “I’m starting we see there’s a chance you might actually be a good person.”

He said a lot of awful things to me in my life but that one was so awful it has stuck with me for nearly 20 years. I was in fact a good, kind and moral person but he couldn’t stand that I stood up to his abuse.

What quote or conversation (to you or someone around you) from your Nparent stands out or has stuck with you after they said it?

I genuinely can’t even believe that I’m in this predicament let alone that my mom would think it’s appropriate to ask.

For context, my mother in law surprised my husband and I that we would all be going to Disneyland in December just in time for Christmas as a Christmas gift to us and my sister in law plus her kids and husband will be tagging along.

My mom caught wind of this and proceeded to text me asking if my sister could come and that my dad would cover the ticket and food. I told her no, she cannot come as it’s not us that’s planning this trip, it’s rude, and it would make no sense to bring her along.

She then unleashes this whole rant how I must not like my sister and that she doesn’t understand why she can’t come asking me if I have something personal against her?? She also guilt trips that I hadn’t brought her over my house in a while so she feels like it could be a personal attack against her. I tell her again NO, it’s not our place to bring her and it’s our own gift.

I just don’t understand the entitlement? Why would you try to fork your kid over into someone else’s trip that’s actually a gift and then make me feel bad for it as if it’s my responsibility to have my siblings come?

I found out six months ago that my mum had been lying to me about my dad since I was a child. Not little lies. Since as far back as I can remember, my mum would get drunk and tell me how she stabbed my dad because he was trying to attack her one night. I think I may have been only six the first time she told me, and she laughed about it. I grew up thinking my dad was a violent man from this story. She would call herself the "spleen queen" and took great pride in it. Sometimes, when she told me this story, she would mention she was arrested for attempted murder...like it was this badge of honour, but always made sure we knew it was a false charge and that it was quickly resolved.

I won't go into too much detail aboit my research, but a while back, I started hearing other accounts of this event from the people in the small town where I was born. Friends, an ex police officer, and even a former doctor. Apparently, it's local lore...and it went down very differently. We moved away when I was 5, a year after the event, so I never knew anything but her account.

It wasn't self-defense. Yes, they had argued that night because my mum had cheated. He grabbed her in anger but quickly let go. No, her life wasn't in danger. She waited until his back was turned and he was walking away, and tried to murder him with a knife. As my dad bled out on the floor, he told my then 18 year old sister (from my mums previous marriage) to wash the knife with bleach and put it back on the rack. She hadn't seen the actual attack, but had come downstairs when she heard a commotion. He was hurt so badly, in fact, that my dad was almost pronounced dead on the way to the hospital, had multiple major surgeries over weeks, and had to go through rehab. My mum was arrested for attempted murder and kept detained until it went to court. Apparently, my brother and I stayed with friends while my dad recovered.

When it went to court, my dad agreed to say it was self-defense. He simply didn't want his kids to grow up with their mum in prison. He still loved her, and I suppose love makes you do silly things like that. But apparently, the truth was an open secret.

About a year and a half ago, I took my daughter to visit my dad for the summer. He and I sat at the table one night, and over a few drinks, we ended up on the subject of the legendary stabbing. And when he heard what my mum had raised us to believe, I swear I saw that man die a little inside. My dad doesn't cry...but he came damn close. He asked me if I wanted to know what really happened...which I respect him so much for, and I said yes. So he told me. And my whole world was turned upside down that night. I had spent almost my entire life believing my dad had deserved the attack...had believed he was violent enough for my mum to have to do that to survive...and it was all a lie.

Something you have to understand about my dad is this...since he and my mum split when I was five, and she moved us 500 miles from him...my dad has NEVER said a bad word to us about her. He doesn't believe in badmouthing parents to their kids. And that is a great quality of his.

So when he told me what happened that night...there was never a part of me that didn't believe him. In fact, I think it genuinely pained him to tell me the truth about my mum.

I didn't immediately go to my mum with accusations. It was a small town with a small community, and I had plenty of people to ask first. One of the people I asked was my dads best friend, who I considered my uncle. He was dying at home from cancer...and he confirmed what my dad told me. Sadly, he passed shortly after...but he had no reason to lie to me, especially given his circumstances.

Once I was 100% certain of what I had learned...I confronted my mum. She told me to stop being dramatic, and that she didn't want to discuss it. When I asked her why she never mentioned my dad very nearly died, she said "no one told me that."

That was six months ago. I blocked her that day. She hasnt made any attempt to contact me, and it feels better that way. After all...why would I want someone in my life who tried so hard to take my dad out of it, and then demonise him in the eyes of a child who loved him so much?

I just got off the phone with my dad. An hour long birthday phone call, chatting shit and laughing about nonsense like we so often do.

He's a good man. It's a shame he wasn't the one who raised me.

Has anyone ever just completely unleash on them? Like just totally let them have it? Telling them off? Telling them just how horrible they are and all the ways they’ve mistreated you? If so, how did they react? Any regrets?

especially after the age of 18. grew up with two narcissists, i’m now 28, and in my few dating relationships and friendships, the one thing that always confused me is the attachment grown adults have to their parents. such as, talking to their parents on the phone, texting regularly, having a family “group chat,” family dinners, holidays… even things as fundamental as a parents’ health scare. it’s so tiring to masquerade understanding these people who grew up with “normal” parents, because as an adult who now lives far away from my nparents, they are the last people i go to with any concern or worry. actually, having to talk to them gives me more anxiety than anxiety relief. i’m not sure if anyone else feels like they have to put on this performative facade to others when it comes to being “understanding” about family relationships and importance. :(

So I lived with my aunt and uncle a year ago for a span of about 4 and a half months. And it was unbearable. Omg these people were literally insane. The first day I got there, my aunt literally told me with an insane look in her eyes “This house has a very holy presence“ and I knew I was screwed lol. Anyways I started to get depressed and withdrawn and I just didn’t talk to any of them so they started making me keep my door open unless I was changing. Jokes on them this made me talk to them even less, lol.

Just some examples of how crazy these people were:

One time they were watching Charlie Kirk religiously and I just said something like “I wonder why that matters” and instantly my bitchy aunts eyes popped out of her skull and she got up and followed me to my room and told me why it matters and didn’t stop bugging me until I left.

My uncle randomly went through my mp3 player without telling me first and found recordings I made of me talking about my feelings of living there, he kept the recordings on his computer and constantly held it over my head, threatening to send it to my parents. When I told him that it wasn’t fair how I didn’t know he was doing that, he said “it doesn’t matter!”

Then, I started to write in a journal all the times these people pissed me off, listing each bitchy and passive aggressive encounter I had with my aunt, uncle, and others. My aunt found it and read it, and then my uncle came in and bothered me about it for over an hour, saying that my aunt was very upset. I refused to talk about anything I wrote down and said that these were private diary entries, and he responded with “you don’t deserve privacy!”

I kept writing things about them even though my uncle told me to stop and to talk to them instead, but I refused to talk to them lol, he kept just going into my room and taking my private journal entries to read, and I kept writing. My aunt the next day called me spoiled and my uncle did too.

My uncle said that Halloween was demonic and he didn’t even let me leave the house to walk around and talk to people handing out candy because “you don’t even talk to us” (by this point I was ignoring everybody and just writing things in my journal about them) so I just sat sadly in the front yard looking at all the people trick or treating and I wasn’t even allowed to go up to anyone and talk to them

My uncle one night was watching Matt Walsh with all of his kids talk about how gay people are ruining the country and blah blah blah and he was smirking like the fucking asshole he was. And my aunt saw how uncomfortable I was and she just smiled in a bitchy way and left the room

Oh, also, I wasn’t allowed to pee at night, so I had to pee in my water thermos sometimes or plastic lunch bags and then discreetly empty it out in the morning without them knowing. They never found out that I was peeing like this at night, but they wouldn’t have cared anyway.

Anyways, I left after 4 months, my OTHER uncle (an awesome guy who I fucking love) picked me up and took me home and I never looked back, I never said goodbye, I was supposed to come back for 2 weeks to get my stuff but I refused to go back into their house lol so they just mailed my stuff over

then when my graduation party came I explicitly told my mom to tell them that I was not comfortable with them coming to the party, essentially kicking them out of my life.

Before that my aunt tried to reach out to me with a “heartfelt” (fake) message and I didn’t even respond lol.

I saw them a month ago at my grandmas house for 30 minutes and I didn’t talk to my uncle at all, didn’t say one word to him lol, my aunt very passive aggressively tried to talk to me about what I was doing and I told her everything I’ve been doing, but she wasn’t proud of me at all and just seemed irritated that I’m doing so well and that I have a job now, she bitchily said “well I’m glad your life is finally on the right path” and then I just gave her a death stare. Then she asked to pray for me and I said “No.”

(They know I’m not a believer and they tried to convert me over to it by forcing me to go to church lol, it didn’t work)

These people were fucking insane, childish, narcisistic, disgusting assholes and whenever I think of Christianity I think of them.

And what makes me sad is that I didn’t even get the worst of it. It couldve been even worse. Maybe my family was actually kinda tame compared to what some other children of these crazy people deal with….

just wanted to share my story lol

This genuinely sends my nmom into a pouty fest.

When people talk kindly about me, she just cannot even believe it. She gets visibly upset.

For example, I was recently promoted and changed departments.

One of my former coworkers is pretty good friends with someone that I work more closely with now.

My former coworker sent her a text asking how I was adjusting and doing etc. and the person sent back a really kind message about me. This former co-worker is also a family friend and so she sent a picture of the message to my nmom thinking that it would make her happy or proud.

Boy was she in for a rude awakening🫩

“(My name)- I am your Mom and have not done a crime to get the punishment you decided for me.

My stomach rips apart on certain days just thinking of u and your smile and face and your birth to wedding journey.

Soon you will be a of a little girl, no Mother would ever hurt her own child. I protected you and (sisters name) my entire life and love unconditionally ❤️

Hope you come face to face one day and this can be all behind us.

Take care of urself and the baby ♥️”

•••••

My mom and I have been on and off no contact for years because of her abuse and victim complex. I have gone the route of just ignoring her texts but she knows I’m pregnant and having a girl from people telling her info about me. This text made me want to pop off on her but I know it won’t do anything/it’ll feed into her bs. Any time I try to defend myself she just turns into a big baby and tells me I’m attacking her or that I’m mentally ill. I just hate that she’s now trying to bring my baby into things and compare my relationship with my unborn child to her relationship with me. This is the same woman who told me I was “neglecting my baby” because I got dehydrated from being so sick in my first couple months of pregnancy.

“Happy 20th birthday, my boy! ❤️🥹

Wow… I can’t believe I’m saying that 🥹

I know we don’t always see eye to eye, but one thing I never want you to doubt is how much I love you. No matter how old you get, I’ll always be in your corner, cheering you on and having your back.

My biggest wish for you is that you learn to believe in yourself as much as I believe in you. You have so much potential, and I hope you find the confidence to go after everything you want in life. Don’t ever stand in your own way.

I’m so proud to be your Momsy, even on the days you don’t particularly like me. 🤐❤️

I love you. More than all the words, in all the books, in all the world. Always have, always will. Happy birthday, my baby boy. ❤️”

…wish i was joking, but i’m not

i’m so tired of this woman

it’s insane how un-self aware she is, like what the hell???
“even on the days you don’t particularly like me” oh my god bro shut up🫩🫩

I am having a terrible wedding experience/engagement where I am sacrificing my morals, my health, and my adult life decisions to appease my mother where nothing is ever enough. As I am reflecting on my relationship with her (I am thinking about cutting her off once I am securely out of the house and married), I can't help but think back to my childhood. My mom barely ever hugged me. I don't remember her showing affection to me like rubbing my back, kissing me on the forehead, giving me a hug. Even if I was sick, which would warrant some level of comfort, I have no memory of her showing physical affection.

My fiance told me that when he was a kid (and as an adult) he loved having someone play with his hair, specifically his mom. I also liked that feeling as a kid. He told me that he would always ask his mom to play with his hair and she would happily oblige. I thought back to a distinct memory of asking my mom if she could play with my hair because I liked the feeling, and I remember her pushing me away. She never liked to play with my hair; it made her uncomfortable whenever I would ask. So as a kid, I would enjoy the brief contact when she would put my hair in a ponytail.

I always wonder if the reason why my mom never showed affection is because she was never showed affection. I can see that my mom's mom is a narcsisst in the same way that my mom is. But I recently got a dog, and I can't help showering my dog with so much love and kisses and hugs and pats. I know a dog is not a kid. It just makes me wonder how my mom could look at a 7 year old girl and not want to have so much affection/contact with her.

I have another distinct memory of going to a friend's house for the first time at the ripe age of 14. My mom never allowed me to go to other people's houses for my "safety." I kept begging her, and my dad allowed me. I remember my friend's mom hugged me, and I felt a warmth that I had never experienced before. I can't describe the feeling, but I remember my body wanted to chase it. I left that house feeling that there was something major missing from my mom. In the brief moment my friend's mom hugged me, I wished deeply that she was my mom.

I've always known my mom's a terrible mom. She resents me deeply, and has made it well known. All of my other siblings have had issues with her in the past, but she's always been a fantastic grandma. Due to our past, I am extremely low contact, but she was an amazing grandma to my oldest son.

When my other son was a baby, I noticed a couple of different things that she treated him differently. His diagnosis were unknown ane i had expected a healthy baby. He was born with HLHS & had a stroke. Due to that he has an intellectual developmental disorder

When I had him, I invited her up to meet him and she came, he was a week old due to being in the nicu and my own recovery. When we got to the room, she saw him and and visibly recoiled, for absolutely no reason. She refused to hold him, she didnt use his name, and just acted off. Stayed a total of 10 minutes and then left. I chalked it up to her just not knowing what to do with this life changing information.

Usually she would crochet a baby blanket for each baby & every other grandchild before him and after him has a personalized baby blanket, she didnt give him one. She skipped his first birthday party, his first Christmas, and i just chalked it up to her just not wanting to get close to him in case he dies.

Then she accidentally texted me "I wish shed just let that kid die, hes suffering and wont ever be a contributing member of society its unfair to everyone." She noticed and immediately said that it was about a DIFFERENT baby. So I went no contact until my brother died from a meth overdose. I got back in touch and it was the worst thing I ever did. We were mostly low contact with open invites to their birthday parties.

Hes 13 now and im so upset I brought her into his life.

2 instances come to mind. 1st was last year there was a small fire at school, he was at lunch when the fire alarm rang and he grabbed his tacos and chocolate milk and his aide messaged me that and joked "he knows whats important" i shared that on my facebook page and she said that its not funny and he put his aides life in danger. Most comments were hes in a wheelchair, pretty sure if it was necessary she could have pushed him to safety.

the worst and why we are now no contact she came for my daughters 10th birthday saturday and while cleaning up after her birthday party my son let go of her balloons that my mom got her and they floated off as most helium balloons do.

You would have thought he murdered a kitten. She said he was an evil child, said i needed to beat his ass more, that if he was her kid he wouldnt be able to sit for a month. And I know that's true cuz she used to beat the ever loving shit out of me and i still have scars on my back. She was screaming and terrifying my kids, it was so bad that the place where we held the party at called the cops & shes now banned my siblings from talking to me because "im turning everyone against her". I literally cannot believe she terrorized my kids and somehow its my fault!

Even me, her daughter, cant be loved by her. I always give more to others than they give me because ive been fighting for love my whole life. I'm so lonely and she feels nothing.

It’s so dumb. And I hate that she will try and take healthy food from me, acting disgusted because how dare I like something she doesn’t like?

Look what you've done to my song, ma

Look what you've done to my song

Well, it's the only thing that I could do half right

And it's turning out all wrong, ma

Look what you've done to my song

Look what you've done to my brain, ma

Look what you've done to my brain

Well, you picked it like a chicken bone

And I think I'm half insane, ma

Look what you've done to my song

I wish I could find a good book to live in

Wish I could find a good book

Well, if I could find a real good book

I'd never have to come out and look at

What you've done to my song

La-da-da-da, da-da-da-da

La-da-da-da, da-da-da-da

La-da-da, da-da-da

La-da-da-da-da-da

Listening to Colin Gosselin interview on Jay Shetty. Highly recommended.

He mentioned success is the best revenge. Besides being hyper responsible, I learned to be a high achiever to prove that I wasn't a failure.

Has this been your experience? Did you excel to prove that you weren't a failure like you felt your narcissist made you feel?

In a different continent, went NC with both of my Nparents 2 months ago. Yes, it is lonely but... I am finally free. I used to hate birthdays because it was mandatory family time. It was always used to ridicule me, make fun of me, and infantilize me. I dreaded every single birthday.

But I am finally free.

I found out my mum died yesterday. And I always wondered how I would feel when I found out. Turns out I don't feel that different right now.

I spent a long time grieving the nonsense she put me through and the horrific neglect. We had been no contact for about 10 years, but she was in contact with her sister, they texted each day, and she had a support worker, who made sure she took medication etc.

I have wondered if maybe when I found out, a well of hidden grief would come up, but maybe not? I feel stoic. A bit shocked. Almost a little relieved.

Has anyone else had an experience like this?

The thing that is worrying me the most is how to break it to other people without looking 'cold' that it hasn't affected me much.

I feel like there's been years when I really needed people's support because my family wasn't fulfilling that role, and it was hard to make people understand why my mum didn't behave like a typical 'mum' or even like a well adjusted person. She behaved like someone who hated me and couldn't hold her life together.

But everyone understands a dead mum deserves sympathy. Should I lean into that and take compassionate leave or just get on with it?

I always joked to myself that when she died I would take compassionate leave and go on a holiday to a tropical island.

Sometimes I wonder if they ever noticed that I was depressed but they never cared to investigate more. I wonder if they ever looked at me without me noticing and caught sadness in my face and if they ever thought I was unhappy.

And while I know they're never capable of being sympathetic I can't help but wonder if in these small moments they ever wondered about the way I feel... Sigh.

My mom tends to default to making me the butt of a joke in group settings. It’s difficult to explain to her not to do, because it’s mostly due to her trying to be relatable, and viewing me as an extension of herself. For example, if someone gave her a normal greeting like “It’s so nice to see you again! It’s been so long since we’ve last met!” She might turn to me and blurt out “Well I never visited because SHE didn’t INVITE me!” In attempt to poke lighthearted fun but just makes everyone feel awkward, like there’s some unspoken tension that needs to be addressed.

At a family dinner recently, she joked to everyone that I said "I don't want my cousin to come with us to the musical because he's a GUY, and GUYS don't like those things." But I never said anything remotely along the lines of that — in fact, we didn’t discuss him once that evening! She just made up an imaginary story to make a joke and be funny. Even though I corrected her, there was an awkward silence. My cousin didn't say much for the rest of the dinner, though he had been extremely chatty with me before this meetup. We used to text and he doesn’t really reach out anymore.

When I’ve told her not to say certain things, her reactions will range from being defensive, bringing up my boundary for years later on, and talk about why it hurts HER feelings, to how I’m oversensitive. SOMETIMES she has a normal reaction and agrees to stop but I can tell with her incredulous looks she thinks I’m being ridiculous. Being vulnerable is a huge headache and I’m wondering if there are any techniques people have used to manage social relationships while their parents are involved.

I have a group lunch coming up with another relative I really respect and I’m worried she will misrepresent or overshare something concerning me. How would you improve this situation going forward in a group context?

Hey guys!
I just have a question. So… I mentioned on here before how I consider my current mentor my second dad. Well, the relationship has developed where now in non-professional settings, we consider each other father and daughter respectively. Like even to the point where we exchange “I love you” phrases (after spouse permission of course due to our line of work) in private. I also have an associate I supervise that I consider a sibling and it’s the same type of relationship. The familial “I love you” feelings as family members.

I guess my question is have y’all extended your family on your own since your own family has turned to crap due to your nparents? I don’t talk to my parents on my own. I don’t reach out, but if they reach out, I might reply. My siblings also have distanced themselves from family due to toxic dynamics of the nparents.

I feel like genuine apologies are extremely rare, I can only recall one time my mother (covert) actually expressed remorse to me after I had a slight breakdown due to her.

Behavior did not miraculously change but in the situation I think she realized she took to far. So story-time!

In 2024, my closest friend (pretty much only friend) got approved for MAID (medical assistance in dying) and died. At the time I had also had pet rabbit that had chronic health issues, that I had spent over 2500$ over the years trying to manage.

Anyway my mother is allergic to dust and dandruff, and since my rabbit's health issues became resistant to treatment, my mother began to pester me to put my rabbit down, guilting me because her asthma, and how the rabbit is suffering anyway etc. It was only a week or two after my friend passed away when she started consistently bringing it up.

After some time of her badgering me, when she brought it up again and I snapped and screamed "MY BESTFRIEND WAS JUST EUTHANIZED SORRY I AM HAVING A HARD TIME TAKING MY PET TO GET EUTHANIZED ASWELL"

Silence, for once. Like she had completely forgot my friend died. She apologized and I could feel actual remorse, no excuses or defending her actions. She did not bring it up again, she was not wrong either, as my rabbit condition worsened I put her down 30 days after I lost my friend. I think i remember it so clearly because it felt like for the first time, my mother recognized how she hurt me without making it about herself.

Lol that was a one off though, still same as can be.

I was wondering if anyone else had similar experiences they would like to share.