i bet he's thinking

I want to thank you guys, 1½ years ago I was a complete wreck when I had just broken up with my exBPD. It was horrible, sometimes it felt like coming off drugs.

I remember stumbling upon this subreddit when I was still in the relationship with her. It was already messed up but while reading on here I kept thinking "well it's not all bad", "I know she loves me" and "people with BPD deserve love too". Until it got so bad that my vision would turn black whenever I would hear her voice. My nervous system was completely fried towards the end. The next six months to a year or I was very anxious and depressed so I posted on here a lot and read all you guys stories.

Now tonight it just occurred to me: I have thought about her in quite a while, and when I do think about her I don't feel anything! No loss, no anger, no feelings of injustice, just "ok yeah that happened". I'm free again. Actually quite looking forward to the future too.

I remember reading similar posts when I was going through the break up and thinking "yeah right, things will never be ok again with me" so I thought I had to post something, give back.

To anyone reading this going through something similar: You are so much stronger than you think, and one day you will look back on this and shrug your shoulders and move on. A new, stronger, and wiser person.

Thank you all for your support the past year and a half.

Think about it. Unquestioning compliance, obedience, and loyalty unconditionally. All of your time and assets should be poured into THEM because they said so. Isolating you from anyone else in your life. Repetitively drilling the same shit into your head until you just psychologically collapse and submit. A relationship with pwBPD functions in extremely similar metrics and framework to a cult.

So I am on the final stages of a relationship with my BPD partner. We have been kinda broken up for a bit over two months. Daily texting but not seeing each other.

I am in therapy, and my therapist won't say 'end it' but he keeps hoping it ends (he is great).

I've read these posts and marveled at how similar all the situations are...and the advice is always the same 'end it'.

Yet there is this part of me...this nagging hope...that maybe just maybe she can come around and it can be like it was at the start. That maybe she is BPD-lite and that she will figure it out and come around. I find myself making all these excuses for her. I’ve even tried to be mean and she won't go...she just leaves this little tether of hope and is slowly killing me.

How do you all get over that? I am really struggling. I have not gone no-contact, but I am trying. We still have a bit of an intertwined life for the next several weeks so full non-contact is impossible in the near term. I've set personal boundaries regarding no more help. Her life is going to get meaningfully harder on her own and it is just so tragic and painful to watch someone you love make choices that are so clearly driven by her BPD... but the thing is only the BPD can save themself.

Mine:  "It's in your soul that the true distortion lies"

Wheres the proof? Everyone can say something about someone and i wasnt there. Why do they trauma dump on you on the first day?

Its simple, its to make you emotional and get attached slowly. Its just 1 out of 1000 things they do and once you fall in love, you lost the game. They will come and make you suffer and you will even question yourself if you are the bad person or not.

The ex probably wasnt the way they talked about. It is what happens when emotions take over logic. Hes bad, he did this and that. And even if so, why do i need to know this shit? Its a new relationship so stop bringing in old crap from the past.

Asking because mine did.

I was the dumpee. Pattern of hers: she gets into a relationship, locks it in until her partner is either safely secured or gets to be "too much", then throws them out for a shiny new orbiter. If she is ever the dumpee she loses her shit, abandonment fears are so bad she's beaten almost every single ex to the punch.

So when she dumped me, she offered me to stay friends. An olive branch. At least told me she cared about me enough that she didn't want to lose (control of) me entirely.

And, genuinely, I didn't refuse her offer. I wanted her in my life, too.

But going from lovers planning a future wedding to just one of her dozens of "barely acknowledged until she needed something from them" friends was too painful. I was still in love. I couldn't be a healthy friend that way. I said I'd like to but I needed time alone.

And I think that, too, triggered something. Abandonment fear again? I don't know.

The fact that I didn't immediately take the offer and instead wanted time to move on first shook her. I saw how any hopes she had just died.

I got blocked everywhere immediately afterwards. We've been no-contact because of this. She still watches my social media, while I refuse to check up on her or beg to be unblocked. Even if the urge gets debilitating sometimes.

It's all such a mindfuck. What's the point of asking for friendship and then ripping it away if it can't be on solely your terms?

I am at the very beginning of my healing journey. I feel like one of the worst times for me is at night; my thoughts start racing, I'm replaying conversations and moments, I feel like I can't breathe, can't sleep, can't think straight or trust my own memories or feelings. Is that common? How have you dealt with this if you have felt this way too? I just want to sleep through the night again...

Like they don’t plan for the week, or the next few days or months. It’s kind of like they are just living for …today. Like if I were to reach out to my ex and hang out with him, and ask him what his plans are..it would be like he’s flying by the seat of his pants. Like spur of the moment “oh yes I need to go here” “oh yes I have to go here too” Just very…sporadic? I always felt my ex thinks out loud too..then if I ever got confused and asked what he said he says “I’m just talking to myself.” Oh! And if I ever was in a happy mood, he’d start prying as if someone else made me happy, like “why are YOU in a good moods today?” Says it playfully but almost like he doesn’t trust that I’m maybe happy because of THEM. Very suspicious all the time. All those things caused me so much anxiety.

So often, I had nice plans with her, some already booked, that then get cancelled by her a few days before or sometimes on the same day. Or even if she doesn't cancel, she will say she's not sure anymore which kills all my anticipation.

Since unfriending my recent friend with bpd I suspect a few family members to have this disorder or something similar. I grew up with a highly narcissistic sister that abused me growing up . My mother can be very immature and needy , shes caring but I hated her for a very long time throughout my life . Another sister married a crazy man and she normalised his abuse . There are a few problematic family members In my family.

Im single and live by myself. Ive had "crazy" exs and been attracted very toxic people . I dont trust people after living with someone I hardly knew that made themselves at home and wouldn't leave . I had to pretend all the time, I never liked this person from the start of the relationship I just got stuck with them.

My friends have also been in relationships with hidden toxic people and their partners have been very weird with me without my friends knowing.

Cause ive known to have a crazy family ive grown up thinking nobody cares about me . I used to think that I had bpd cause my ex friend made me feel like I had bpd , she kept suggesting therapy just because it worked for her apparently. The sick thing though I met her after my dad died and I just broke up with my crazy ex girlfriend which was a traumatic experience for me. She always used to say i looked dead in the eyes in a jokey way , I understand cause generally thats my aesthetic goth like, but literally I just lost my dad and got out of something that mentally fuvked me. Of course im gonna be fucking dead inside and burned out.

I'm really struggling because she did nothing wrong except have an extinction burst when I stated my firm boundary of minimised communication. I could've easily stayed a little longer. But there were issues but nothing dramatic like verbal abuse. She's only ever been sweet and flirty and caring to me. She pleaded alternatives and to try and make it work. At the end of the breakup call she just silently accepted it, and I blocked her on everything. I was extremely numb the whole time after crying for the whole week prior knowing what had to be done. I'm extremely guilty and am fighting the urge to unblock her and say how impulsive and cold my decision and execution of the breakup was, I feel like I made a huge mistake driven by gut feelings that could've been misleading and driven by tireless possibly misguided research into quiet BPD. I'm lost and lonely with no support, it feels like coming off a horrible addiction.

But it doesn't matter since it won't make them change their behavior. I've seen diagnosed borderlines acknowledge their actions, acknowledge that they regret said actions, but will repeat said actions to other people never changing, acknowledging that this is a major reason they are alone later on in life, but still doing nothing to actually fix the behavior.

It's interesting that they can acknowledge their actions lead to destruction, but still have no desire to stop said destruction from happening by changing how they behave.

I'm so tired of the violent talk , the threats , the abusive talk . Telling me I'm stupid, worthless , ugly , disgusting.. I feel exhausted mentally . The being OK and normal one minute and then something sets her off and I worry about my safety and belongings. And sanity . I just want to shave my head and uproot my life and move far , far away

Ive been scrolling and watching vids n stuff and a common thing i see is that they come back. I was the dumpee in my case. I'm just curious if she'll ever come back because I've been blocked from everywhere and I do have a lot to say to her. She's a good person who's got a lot of friends too (only a few she considers close) and she's rlly sweet and kind too (NOT a man-eater) so i hope she's not thinking along the lines of "oh im such a monster, i hurt him so badly" because she has had thoughts along the lines of 'im such a broken person' before.

Since the breakup she changed completely who she is, her tastes and hyperfixations. Not only that she is like "my friends understand me so well" when 1 week before the breakup she was calling them all sorts of names and wishing on their downfall.

I'm no longer shocked by this since she's probably giving me the same treatment but still it feels pathetic and shameless to treat your friends and relationships like this.

Its something ive been struggling with for a long time. My girlfriend often gets upset, and no matter what I try she just seems to get more upset at me. Ive talked to her about things that I can do that will better help her but no matter what it happens again

Im tired of crying every night and I need help, Im fully aware that its not my fault but I want to be able to talk to her properly so I can help her as well

There are so many stories here of the devastation suffered from relations with people with BPD.

I want to ask about the words and actions that got you hooked up in the first place - lovebombing etc..

My person spoke to me in this particular way...she told me I was the most wonderful thing ever, the one she loved more than anyone else she ever met. She told me our love was eternal, a symphony that echoes eternally. As I sent voice notes to her, she told me it was like opera to her ears. She told me she was absolutely head over heels in love with me and would do anything to be the person I needed her to be.

Sound familiar at all? This kind of language got me hooked, addicted. I think I was naive to let sentiments like that sway me so much. Seems manipulative in hindsight.

Tell us your experiences of being seduced into love!