CWs for alcohol and SA/DV

I quit drinking a year ago with no support in place, all the shit I numbed with alcohol came flooding back and I've been an agoraphobic, anxious, unemployed shut in since then. I ended up in crisis for a week after about 10 months of total isolation.

At one point I was sat in a room for evaluation with a male therapist, male social worker and female CNA and sat next to the woman; when they asked about any history of sexual abuse I cried and she asked if that's why I sat next to her; I cried harder. It wasn't even a conscious choice, but I feel so constantly unsafe, and particularly unsafe in public and around men and it sucked having that pointed out to me. It means it's visible and perceivable and not just my secret inner thoughts. It affects everything I do and how I live.

They immediately gave me gabapentin and prazosin (extremely vivid dreams and nightmares since I was a kid, now as an adult I avoid sleep and it isn't restful anyway), and some Invega shot to help me stop dissociating. It seems to be helping a bit. I've responded to a few friends I have been ignoring for months, so that's positive.

Anyways, I had my intake with the outpatient psych on Monday after being released from crisis on Saturday. 6 hours later I walked out in tears with a ptsd diagnosis.

I feel....I don't know. It feels good to know I'm not just a whiny little bitch. It feels good to have someone say "that was trauma." (Mostly SA, but like...a lot, from early years to recent.) The psych seemed particularly concerned with how much I was watching the people pacing outside the window and how hypervigilant I am of my surroundings, which I'm assuming largely led to the diagnosis (aside from other symptoms and history of trauma.)

I'm nervous. I'm scared of how to move forward from here. I've been in therapy off and on my whole life and never made much progress. Maybe it'll be different with the diagnosis on my file? Is there some magical treatment for ptsd that a therapist wouldn't have considered before? I almost did EMDR a few years ago but didn't even make it through the intake appointments without getting overwhelmed and stopped going to that therapist. Does it work? I did DBT and it didn't help.

I start therapy next Monday and have a whole ass psych team now. I thought I was just anxious and having a psych confirm actual PTSD feels so unreal. Like it's not just throw a Xanax down my throat and call it a day, not run of the mill anxiety.

I'm scared I'll never get better. I'm scared I'll never function again. I'm sad I was so much more functional when I was killing my liver. Even though that meant blowing up my life once a year, I got to live my life the rest of the year, you know? I don't miss drinking but I miss who I was when the world was dulled. I miss not waking up every time I hear someone walking past my apartment. I miss not feeling my heart beat out of my chest when my upstairs neighbors move around.

But I'll be in therapy. I'm gonna try. I don't know how it'll go or how hard I can try, but I'll try. I'll probably delete this soon but I needed to get this off my chest and put all my thoughts out there, I'm sorry if this breaks any rules. Thank you for reading.

I have PTSD from multiple assaults towards me that all happened when I was 19/20.

I’m 32 now and have been dealing with panic attacks since then.

Last year my lease horse suddenly passed away from colic. Since then I have had reoccurring flashbacks and anxiety surrounding the event. I never saw his body and I wasnt there when he died. My mom got the message he was having mild colic in the evening and in the morning when i woke up she broke the news that he had to be put down due to an impaction.

Since then I have been terrified of people and pets suddenly dying. I also already had symptoms of OCD that only got worse after the event. Everyone around me is tired of my overreacting and gets mad when I over think now.

Today my horse had some straining to poop. He's my first horse and its my first time dealing with anything colic related. I know from someone that knew him before I bought him that he gets constipated during fall and its happend every year, but im still so worried. I let my coach and barn owner know and shes keeping an eye on him. He did end up pooping after around 10 to 15 minutes of mild straining and he has no other symptoms. I'm still incredibly worried though.

So far I have thrown up, had multiple panic attacks, been uncontrollably sobbing, and been dissociating on and off. I keep having flashbacks to when I found out my lease horse was dead and having panic attacks over it. Im scared to sleep beacuse I dont want to wake up to my best friend being dead.

My mom is mad at me for crying about it and told me to stop over reacting and that I can't use this as an excuse. I'm not trying to over react I'm just so scared.

Worst part is the fact there's a chance he won't be okay beacuse he very well could be colicking which can take a turn for the worst very fast.

I just feel so stupid though because people get PTSD from actual trauma and mine is from a horse that wasn't even mine dying. I didnt even see the body.

I just feel so stupid

Went to my physician today to discuss my trauma (a sexual trauma), a possible treatment plan, and to alert them to a key development in my sexual and mental health. The reaction I got was cold and clinical, even after I broke down crying. They dismissed it for the most part and suggested that I speak with a psychiatrist since I had a history of "psychiatric problems" making me feel crazy. The whole reason I wanted to speak with a doctor was because I wanted to have a legitimate diagnosis of PTSD, helping with a trauma-informed approach to the care I receive in the future.

My doctor proceeded to response incredibly coldly, suggesting I find someone to "talk to", ignoring my hesitation to start CBT (this hasn't worked for me the past - I prefer somatic, holistic treatments) and told me that most of the referrals she could give do not accept insurance and I would have to pay out of pocket. Then she told me she needed to start examining me and laughed in my face when she warned me part of the examination would be invasive and that she didn't' want to "trigger me hahahahaha."

I am beyond upset at the care I received. I feel belittled and crazy. I just wanted to be pointed in the right direction. I can't afford anything that my insurance doesn't cover. I am so upset. I feel hopeless and like I'll be stuck in my trauma forever today. I just need some support.

Advice and support would be appreciated.

I told my mom that I have PTSD and the only reason I told was because if she found out that I have it I would get victim blamed and she would complain that I didn't tell her and play the victim. So I was like I'll bite the bullet and just say it now.

Bad idea. I got victim blamed as always and then my mom played the victim.

Context but I reported my mom for csa a few months back(the case eventually got closed)

And my mom played victim by telling me how my accusations "hurt" her feelings and how we don't have a relationship.

And then she tries to spin the it goes both ways and that I need to tell her about what I'm saying in trauma therapy.

I go home and my mom pressures me to tell my dad that I have PTSD. And I get blamed again. And I overheard my mom tell my dad. "Oh gosh. She thinks everything was real." They think that I made up the accusations of incest and that I imagined it.

I love being told that the horrible abuse I suffered was just my "imagination" and then my mom goes on a rant about how I don't like her and how she does all this stuff for me.

Even when I basically told my mom that she and my family caused me to have ptsd she still found away to put the blame on me.

Sorry for the rant :(

Is it normal to cry a lot when working through trauma in therapy?

It's been over two months since the trauma. And I'm getting more and more tired.

I've been super busy and stressed in the last few days. I started taking valerian drops every night before bed to help me sleep better and have more energy on the next day. It helped a little.

After those last days, I was absolutely exhausted tonight, so I didn't take any valerian. I thought I would just fall straight to sleep, but guess what? I closed my eyes and started thinking about some stuff I need to do tomorrow, and then (as always) I remembered my trauma. My heart started pounding in my chest and I had trouble breathing. And now I'm awake.

It’s so frustrating. On the one hand I’m making some improvements, for example when I go out, on the other hand my body is always getting more stressed and tired. It’s sending me so many stress signals and I can’t do anything about it. I’m feeling helpless.

Does someone maybe feel like I do? :(

TRIGGER warning - CA

As a lot of us in this group have experienced similar to what he is saying I just wanted to start a discussion....please be civil

What are ya'lls take on what he is saying? We all know why people believe him - many of us saw her actions on TV. If you think he is embellishing some of it or not being honest why do you feel that way?

What is your take on the adult siblings not speaking out? Kate really hasn't said much either tbh - I think mostly some small comments on tiktok (surprises me). Part of me truly feels they (not Kate) are protecting him from something 🤷‍♀️

I'm a 35-year-old male and I have noticed that since my abuse that I've developed self-sabotage or maladaptive coping. I'm aware of them I just don't have it in me to stop them. It's usually just delaying things, stopping myself when I know I could move ahead or just laying in bed all day. When I go throughout the day it's like I feel this shame that's attached to me all the time and that's what causes me to do it. Will it eventually go away? I'm also filled with self doubt all the time. My abuser would try to do is try to get me to do what they wanted and then they would call me crazy if I didn't.

I was diagnosed (currently 21F) two years ago, and had various severe symptoms at the time: memory loss, scrambled thoughts, daily nightmares, etc… and then subsequently went through an extremely traumatic situation (different entirely) this past summer.

Now, I find myself having more acute “flashbacks,” which I only rarely experienced previously.. on top of that, verbal and psychical ticks have become extremely frequent/more intense in nature… and for the first time since my diagnosis two years ago, I lost my ability to hold a coherent conversation temporarily again.

I have a therapist and am beginning EMDR again, so rest-assured this is all going to professional ears primarily… moreso coming to this community to find people with similar experiences/hear stories from others.

Thank you for reading!

As the title says, I'm just looking for advice for who I'm supposed to see for a suspected ptsd diagnosis.

Hello everyone! This is my first post in this community. Im a minor and I most likely don't have PTSD, but I don't know for sure because my mom forbids me from seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist. Her reservations consist of arguments like they'll start gossiping about me or that she doesn't have time to take me to doctors. About two weeks ago we visited a doctor who makes the sheno corsets (This is a corset for the treatment of scoliosis and I have 2-3 degrees on one thoracic and one lower arc), and as usual, he examined my naked torso(We come to him once every six months or three months for diagnostics and for him to adjust something in my corset or make a new one). While he was examined my torso it didn't bother me but it did bother my mother. The doctor added 1 centimeter of pressure in my thoracic spine, and after that, it was impossible to wear the corset. It was and still is painful for me to wear the corset in that exact spot where he inserted it. It hurts so much that I'm crying because the pain is unbearable. I haven't worn a corset for two weeks, but today I promised my mother that I will wear a corset from now. That night, I put on a corset to sleep in, and half an hour later, my back was in excruciating pain where the doctor had added 1 centimeter. I literally screamed in a low whisper so my mother wouldn't hear. Then my upper arm started to go numb near the inside of my shoulder, so I decided to take off the corset and go into the bathroom. When I got into the bathroom, I saw it on my back after literally an hour of wearing the corset There's a red mark in that very spot. It was bright red. My arm, my back still hurt and I'm shaking, even after I took off the corset btw. Then I decided to go to my mom and tell her that the corset was too tight, but she said that in 2024, when I started wearing a corset, I complained in exactly the same way. However, I don't think it was as painful as it is now. I told her to make an appointment with the doctor who adjusted my corset. She said: "And what will I tell him? That the corset is pinching? He'll say that we're some kind of fools and that the corset is supposed to be pinching, it's not armor for beauty." I objected and said that the corset was pressing too hard and not as it should be and I told her to tell him that I was dying in the corset and it was too painful for me. She said the most terrifying thing imaginable: "You're going to come to him and cry on his shoulder. You miss him". It sounded really problematic.. Also I mentioned it a couple of times after the appointment in conversations with my mother about the prices of the appointment. After she said her problematic things, I covered my ears and screamed "shut up" nonstop. I didn't want to listen to her.

Besides this, before this event, in the evening when I was reading a text from the computer for her without a corset, she came up to me from behind and started touching my back. I asked her to stop, but she continued, then I broke free. Then she told me that it wouldn't happen again, and this happened several times until she finally left me alone. I hate it when anyone touches my back. I want to die so much, I can't wear the corset. It's impossible to be in it, and I have exams coming up soon. I don't want to do anything, I can't live like this, and I can't even get a psychiatrist's diagnosis or even medical psychological help. We have a school psychologist at school, but they suck and tell everything to my parents and class teacher, and psychologists cannot prescribe treatment or diagnoses, unlike a psychiatrist.

And how is it treating you bc me personally I'm loving it (btw thanks for listening to my autistic rant have a good...no have a better day you deserve it

I can remember myself at 8yo as a stronger logical ass kid. And now at the ripe age of 26, sometimes everything effects me I have become so sensitive and effected by everything. I don't like what I have become. I went to therapy and I blabbered a bunch of stuff because I myself was confused what was hurting me so much. My trauma is in childhood is basically related to neglect and emotional abused. I have an undiagnosed mother and a narc father for context.

Any resource or advice is direly welcomed as I feel really helpless.

My parents and everyone I know is acting like why am I underperforming as a fully functional adult while I was totally okay as an unassisted kid after major life events. One of my peers even told me to just grow up. All of this is causing me great deal of resentment towards everyone. Something I didn't care about before.

I experienced a lot of sexual assault from multiple people of varying ages (and genders) when I was a child. No clue how little I was when it started, but the physical stuff stopped around 13yo. For as long as I can remember, I’ve self soothed with things involving SA. Up until I was about 11 or 12, that was daydreaming or fantasizing at bedtime about being SA’d. In my head, I called the bedtime fantasizing my “night movies” that helped me fall asleep. Then as I got older, I found out about fanfiction and found myself seeking out non-con and dub-con fics and reading them constantly. Then in my late teens and now into adulthood, I’ve also consumed tons of “dark romance” books and sometimes actually watching or looking at porn with the same themes. Some of my favorite movies and books are my favorites because there are disgusting adult male characters who are obsessive over the fmc, or abusive in some sort of sexual or suggestive way. It’s almost every day that I’ve at least read stories with that same subject matter for years.

When I try to stop, I start feeling physically uncomfortable within a couple of days, and really agitated and more depressed after a couple of weeks. But at the same time, it keeps the intrusive memories around and brings me so much shame. I absolutely hate that I can’t stop seeking it out over and over and over. I know this is something I should bring up with my therapist, but I haven’t been seeing this one for very long and I’m too uncomfortable and just don’t know how to bring it up.

Partly I just needed to vent, but I’m also curious if this is a common issue or if there’s just extra wrong with me lol. Also, if anyone has any tips on how to stop (or how to approach this topic in therapy), that would be incredibly appreciated. I feel like I’m getting to the end of my rope with it, but ignoring the fact that it’s an issue isn’t really an option either because of all of the discomfort it causes.

i've been suffering. a lot. recently. and i guess my brain is craving the "safety" of my trauma. i won't go into details, but i've thought about seeking out people to reenact it, because my body is just constantly bracing for something, and it's almost like i need it to happen to feel whole again. it doesn't feel right to be treated properly. i'm not deserving of a life where people love and respect me. i can't even trust that the people in my life truly think that of me, even with the evidence to prove it's true. i'm not going to do anything to "reenact" my trauma, it's just such a strong craving, to the point my body physically aches and i can't even stand. it's been like this for weeks, i just want a release, and sometimes this feels like the easiest option.

I’ve been single for six months following a six year relationship. I met my ex when I was about 20 years old and he was 26. He had an avoidant attachment style and was emotionally abusive toward me. I was trapped in a trauma bond and honestly thought I could never leave until one day, I finally did. Since I haven't been single for most of my adulthood, this is the story of my very first romantic experience since becoming single.

I (26F) matched with an incredibly handsome guy (41M) on a dating app. We hit it off immediately and talked about everything under the sun. Judging by his profile, he seemed like a serious person. He was looking for a "life partner" and painted romantic pictures of taking someone to the Dolomites, going on spontaneous road trips, and cooking meals using ingredients from a farm you had just visited. On top of that, he was a co founder and CEO of a recently launched company specializing in cooling liquids.
During our conversations online, he seemed very in tune with his feelings, as we even talked about crying. He showed genuine emotional maturity when I questioned a statement he made. Once, when I mentioned I was drinking wine, he asked if I would ever want to share a glass with him. I said yes.

A few days later, on a Sunday morning, he asked if I wanted to go for a walk with him that day. Unfortunately, I was terribly hungover and had to reschedule. I felt genuinely sad about missing it. He felt real, and the thought of having a man who wanted to walk beside me, rather than ahead of me, felt really nice. All of these factors combined made me trust him more and more.

A couple of days after that, on a Tuesday, he messaged me around 7 PM. A work meeting of his had been canceled, and he said he was thinking of me and wondered if I wanted to go for a spontaneous walk. I said yes. I really wanted to meet him.

We agreed on a spot, and an hour later, I pulled up to the location. He was already there waiting for me, nervously kicking his feet. When we met, I could tell right away that he was shy. He was a bit loopy and tried to say multiple things at once, which I thought was cute. We started walking, and his interest in me was immediate. He was charming, attentive, and took every opportunity to touch me.

Eventually, we sat down on a park bench, and this is where things started to feel a bit strange. It felt like he was trying to psychoanalyze me because he seemed to be trying to figure me out or discover what was "wrong" with me. He asked a lot of questions about what things had been like between me and my ex. When I asked him what had happened between him and his latest ex, he said, completely casually, that they had an avoidant anxious dynamic. He said he felt like he was walking on eggshells and that she eventually got tired of him. It was also at this point that he mentioned he was going to therapy because he dislikes himself. I found him brave for being so honest about it all, but it also felt a little strange.

I told him I was really thirsty, and this was where he started to act nonchalant. He said, "You can go home and drink water if that is what you want." It felt like he wanted me to become needy.

We drove to the nearest shop, where I bought myself a water, some gum, and a chapstick. We went back out to my car, and this is where things started to develop. He asked, "So, are we going back to the park or what are we doing?" and I answered, "I don't know." He was wearing a cap and I wanted to see his hair, so I touched it a little and said it was nice. Then he took his hand and started scratching the back of my head. He asked, "Do you like having your hair touched?" I melted. I immediately closed my eyes, and it was obvious that the moment was intense for me. I said yes. He tightened his fist and slowly let go. I looked at him and he was smiling. He did it once again. After some silence between us, he grabbed my coat and started kissing me. It was intense. I could feel his hands on me, and I got dizzy. He backed away and asked me if I was okay. This was what we did for the next two hours or so. He was feral, obsessed. We were breathing into each other's mouths, rolling tongues, with his hands all over me. They were on my neck, my hair, and my breasts, and he pinched my nipples a couple of times. I kept getting dizzy, and he kept checking on me. At one point, he said he considered himself a "soft dom" and I explained how I like being submissive sexually. Even though I haven't actually explored being submissive yet, it is something I have realized about myself lately.

Having this sort of intimacy again, after being starved of it for years, was euphoric, and he made me feel safe. I was sitting in his lap when he gave me a light spank, and I could not help but to nod. He asked, "Do you want to be spanked?" and I so desperately wanted to be, so I said yes. I laid down on his lap, and he gave me a light spanking. The hour was late, and I decided it was time to end the night shortly after. Before leaving, I told him one of my fears. I said, "I've been objectified so many times in my life before, and I don't want to be reduced to a body." I cannot really remember what he said in response, but I think it was supportive.

Two days went by and not a single word. There was no "Thank you for yesterday" or anything at all. I guess that is not entirely weird, but considering the date we had, I thought he could at least check in, be a real dominant, and provide some aftercare. Eventually, he wrote to me and asked, "Did you survive our walk?" I said yes, but added that it was intense. Then he asked me if I wanted to come drink wine at his place some night. My heart sank into my stomach. We all know what that means, so I asked him what his intentions were. He replied, "Isn't that self explanatory, drink wine? 😅What do you think?" I told him that I did not think wine was the only thing he was thinking about for that night. He asked "Why?" and I simply stated, "Wine, night, at your place." Silence followed all through the night.

The next morning I felt bad. I felt that maybe I was being too hard on him, so I wrote, "But wine sounds cozy to me." Again, there was silence. He ignored me all day and did not respond until the next day, after I wrote, "I don't understand, you invite me for wine and now you don't answer me?"

He finally answered:

"Hello! I apologize for the silence and waiting, I fell asleep early last night and missed your call.

An honest answer to your question, it was something that didn't feel right in our latest conversation here, so rather than just ending it right then and there I wanted to let a day go by. I didn't mean to waste your time, that's my bad.

I don't want to continue with a second date. You are really nice and I wish you well.🌺"

I answered, "I think it is pretty natural to wonder about another person's intentions. Too bad it landed wrong for you. Thanks for answering."

I feel fooled, used, and small. It is like he picked me up, took a good look at me, and then threw me in the trash.

I like listening when I'm thinking about my shitty dad btw any recommendations or do u need any and what music or songs have helped you guys when you were on the edge of a breakdown I appreciate all of you guys thanks for listening

I made this account because I wanted to ask something that my friends uncle said. For some context he served in the Vietnam war and he is a very nice but quiet man and loves photography. But the thing I wanted to ask was one day me and my friend were curious on how the Vietnam war was so we decided to ask his uncle . Later in the day when His uncle was in the kitchen we asked him “ what was Vietnam like when you served” . Then I don’t why but every thing became to quiet and he had a depressed look on his face and said one thing “It was like the eyes of a dead man walking” nothing else. But they way he said it and the tone I don’t why but it scared us to not asking anything else or more so we left but I still thin about what he said and I want to know what he meant but I don’t understand and I’m to scared to ask my friends uncle more

My doctor said recently that she thinks I have ptsd, and I don’t know how to feel about it. It explains what I am experiencing, flashbacks and all that stuff, but it has gotten so bad that I can’t fall asleep, I zone out when the memories pushes itself back in my head. I have recently started university, and it’s going horribly. I think I’m gonna fail all my classes. I can’t read, because I zone out and get flashbacks. I cry every single day too, because I’m failing what I should be able to do, and it’s horrible. I got ptsd from my former partner of almost 2 years. I didn’t see it when I was with him, because he didn’t hit me, but he did everything else. I didn’t think about it for a month after we broke up, but I think it got triggered by a man (boy) who was trying to do something to me, and I almost didn’t get out of there. It is getting just worse and worse, and the waiting list to a psychiatrist is over a year, and it’s not even guaranteed that I get in. I don’t know what to do, everything is so bad right now. I am scared all the time, I am afraid of men when they are too close, when they flirt, when they show even the slightest bit of interest. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so lost in this pit of horribleness…
English is not my first language, so excuse misspelling and weird sentences

​

It takes me to a terrible place telling/knowing details of SA, so I tried to take it down to a minimum and if you guys could avoid it while responding, I'd be very thankful.

I was SAed on the begging of my sexual life, but I dissociated completely, and would realize what had happened only years later.

Once I understood that it wasn't consensual, nor "the standard" for casual sex, the way I deal with my sexuality completely changed.

I am a bissexual, 28F, but since then, I have not "been able" to be sexually atracted to women, because I catch myself worrying if I might make them feel abused in some way.

On the other hand, when I go out with men, I feel almost "obligated" to end the date with sex, even when Im not completely into it (in my country casual sex on the first date is kinda ok). All the men I've met have been just regular guys looking for casual sex, just making that clear.

Anyway, I've managed to deal with vaginism and the feelings of guilty and shame, but my sexual drive decreased to nonexistent and I feel like I've been way more inclined to degrading sex than I was before the event.

What did you guys do that helped? I tryed vipassana meditation psychological and psychiatric care, they all've been helping a lot with getting rid of the negative feelings, but not with the building back (or rearranging) my desire part.

Anyways, thanks for this space.

My partner of nearly five years and I ended our relationship yesterday. We’ve struggled with intimacy issues for a while because of my PTSD being related to SA. This most recent period had been the worst, we didn’t have sex for months because I just couldn’t handle it. And it finally became too much for him.

I’m having difficulty seeing his side emotionally. Logically, I understand. But we talked about marriage all the time and the left we couldn’t wait to build with one another. I keep going back to the “in sickness and in health” portion of the vows. Is this not the same? I was doing everything in my power to get help as fast as I could and heal and it just wasn’t enough.

I just feel so lost. I also can’t help but feel immense guilt and shame that my mental health is what caused all this. I have no idea where to go from here. He was legitimately my best friend and my person. And now I’m back to being alone.

A few days ago I and another family member were woken up at 1:30am by banging on the door. Completely unaware we open it, see sirens, and police are urging us to evacuate.

I didn't see it until I was outside. The neighbor's shed caught fire and the flames were taller than our home and raging. Thankfully the firefighters got it out rather quickly.

Watching it unfold was absolutely horrifying for me. I was in complete shock and fear that the flames would spread to our house. Fire has always been my #1 fear.

They eventually got it out, checked our property, and told us it was safe to go back in.

The fact that we were completely unaware of such a huge danger just right outside and got lucky enough that our house was spared (with some radiant heat damage to the siding). This was my worst fear come true.

The fact that we were completely unaware, but when we were outside and could see and actually hear the giant flames....it has destroyed my sense of safety.

I struggled with that already due to other issues in life but this is something else. I am afraid all the time of it happening again. I tried reaching out to people and got some support. I have no health insurance and cannot go to therapy. I called 988 and spoke to them, not helpful. I went to the local fire station and no one was there at the time.

I fear this event has deeply traumatized me and I fear what will happen to me. I am not sure how to cope with this or feel safe.

I was in a big city yesterday at a pizzeria and decided to nap on the table for a few hours. It made me feel safer than sleeping at home. I just feel fear in this house, especially at night. I feel like I have to be on alert all the time or sleep when everyone is already awake. The security cameras caught the entire event like a true horror movie so I have literal footage of this. We will be upgrading our smoke alarm systems as well.

I can't get it out of my head and I catch myself flinching and looking at sheds, wood, close proximity houses, sounds, in fear. I don't want to live in this house but I don't know how to find a new home that will lessen my fear of it happening again.

Thanks for reading, any advice is welcome. I wasn't sure which subreddit to post this on