My question is for the men who handle all the basic finances (rent, insurance, groceries, kids stuff) and your wife works, how do you justify this system of financial setup when most men make the logical argument that if she is working and the husband has to help with cooking and cleaning that she should also contribute financially?

For context this is my belief:

- to be a good husband, a man should plan to provide financially fully and try his best to provide a nicer lifestyle too, and he should not keep eyes on his wife's salary

- as a good wife who is earning her own money, a woman should volunteer to help out and elevate the family's lifestyle even when the husband has no expectations for it, they should not hoard money. But this should never be an expectation from the husband, women should do it as a gift.

A lot of what I have seen is that men expect women to contribute financially if they are working especially because they believe that it is unfair that they will have to help cook/clean/raise kids more because she is working. To a lot of people that makes logical sense so if you are a husband who does provide 100% and your wife works, how come you don't feel that it's "unfair".

Personally, I feel that the cooking/cleaning/raising kids is both people's responsibility. I think we forget that the labor of growing and birthing a child is on the woman which puts 1 full year of physical and mental stress on a woman per child. And the labor of providing financially is on the man (whether we look at it Islamically or not). In no world will women ever be able to divide the labor of giving birth so to me it doesn't make sense when men are asking to divide the financial labor on the basis of "I will have to help with cooking and cleaning".

Also if you're gonna respond with saying that a man's job is to provide and a woman's job is to obey, please clarifying examples of obeying in what way.

I'm not even married but you know down the line things change a lot after getting married and having kids. Babies are cute. May Allah bless them but they need 24/7 observations, yeah. Without outside help it gets difficult right. They cry and their sleep schedule is crazy. How did you guys handle it? Especially working people on shift duties. I heard nowadays you can only live on double income. Housing crisis and all that.

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I am 24 and married for about 2 and a half years.

Initially i married my wife without my parent's consent as they were against me getting married before i completed my bachelors. Her parents consented the marriage thus we got married.

My wife is an international student and for some financial reasons her academics came to a halt leading to her status being revoked. One of the major reasons to get married at the time, (despite my parent's disaprovement) was to enable her to continue her studies again thru gaining her legal status. I attempted to apply and file for her independently but after a continous halt of financial issues it wasnt successful. Fast forward to a year she started being involved with my family more often, through my mother stepped in slowly accepting her and building a soft corner in other family members and convinced my father (who was always against our marriage) to help us with the process which also helped gain our marriage legitimacy in the family. My father made sure my families knew about it and accepted us in a smooth transition..all due to my mother's convincing and care to protect my wife's image in my family. And to be honest i say this because without my mothers attempts to get her close to my family we wouldnt be able to be relieved from many big problems neither stable our relationship.

Over time my wife used to bash and put me down during arguements starting from when i was at one of my highest level of occupation and provided for her smoothly and felt proud to work a job that not many had achieved in my circle before, she would insult me and call me names and say im not man enough. To understand from her side the 2 years of our marriage it was difficult for me to live with her as i lived with my parents, altough i managed to contribute to her rent and tried my best to protect her i was still living as a dependant under my father as a college student. Maybe for those reasons she never felt enough respect for me as someone who can protect her. But i always accepted and moved on as i loved her a lot and wanted to find a solution.

Recently ever since the efforts of my family getting closer to her and her being involved with the household, she started to visualize my mother as an evil brand of a person and it started from ,first her not communicating her problems with my mother (the disagreements or her views about her) to me but i always wanted to give her the space to speak with me freely so i could explain to her the right way and clear her thoughts but over time it sounded like i would be biased and defend my mother all the time to her. And gradually it went from her talking about some stuff she doesnt like about my mother to straight accusing her of many things. And now to pick on every single thing my mom would say or do and portray her as an evil human being to me. Eventually cursing her and disrespecting her to wishing bad upon her and my family. This all escalated very fast in recent times. Now every time an arguement would arise she would immediately use insulting my mother as her weapon. We had many arguements where she would purposely involve my mother to push my buttons and get me to react.

Now as a husband i have always accepted her tantrums and behaviors that would target against me or my achievements and efforts. I have recently obtained another occupation in which i would love to focus on and i am not giving any slack for her to pick on it but at times she even takes the smallest things and taunts me relating it to my job or goal.

She is away from her parents for about 3 and half years. A void which me and my family are trying hard to fill whether it be them making her feel loved and at home or me working extra hard or keeping her application on track so she can visit home soon. I always respected and ignored her tantrums and issues for the sake of her situation of being away from home as i could feel her frustration. But it was never like i left her side and let her figure it out on her own. Although i dont feel much responsible but a part of me does feel responsible for her status of being a student being hampered for my presence in her life. I loved her a lot with all my efforts and still try to but eventually i have been questioning it and wanting to write about it for 3 months now.

I can tolerate anything said about me or even my efforts or achievements. I just draw the line where it comes to my mother and family. Even if they are they become the worst being in the world, you can cut ties with them but never disrespect or make me feel hate against them through your views. My point is even if the are the way they are doesnt mean you can disrespect them and expeft me to be okay with it because end of the day my familu creates my identity. I to have some morals and boundaries i feel that shouldnt be crossed.

And i am just waiting for her papers and status to be validated so she can start her college again and visit her family as i feel i owe her that. But i am slowly losing myself my identity through this wait. The career path i chose now requires a lot of focus and strong mindset but every other day she is making me fall short.

I have thought of moving back in with my parents until i gain momentum back but also thought of divorcing her and letting her figure it out on her own as she feels she doesnt need me or my family. I am very frustrated and wanted to write on this for a while. If you read this far i appreciate you. Please help.

Idk, this sub has got a good number of negative posts and it truly makes me question if it's even safe to get married.. Being a woman doesn't help it, I am scared that the chances of marriage turning out to be scary and abusive is more, I was planning to look into getting married soon but my area has toxic culture influenced people (being in a south asian country) so that doesn't help as well, I just wanna know, especially from sisters, is it really gonna turn out bad most of the time?

madiha was 22.
married two months

her husband’s family wanted a motorbike in the dowry.

her parents didnt have the money
so they set her on fire

around 2000 women die like this in pakistan every year.
india reports close to 7000.
bangladesh same story.
five sisters a day and nobody says their names

and the part that breaks me is islam says the opposite.

mahr is the husbands gift to the wife.

the Holy Prophet PBUH married off his own daughter with a bed and a pillow.

nobody asked her family for a motorbike

we flipped the sunnah and called it culture

my brother and i are building Misaq to undo it. families pledge no dowry before they match.

sisters learn their rights before they sign anything.

brothers learn what they owe before they propose
we opened a fundraiser to teach this at scale.
not a charity so no zakat.

google misaq first and decide if we are legit.
we would rather be checked than trusted blindly

Also any married brother or sister: has anyone here refused dowry and had it work??

Salam to all..i have a really weird or straightforward question , depending on how u look at it.
Im married to my partner ( a Christian) since 3 years.
We have two daughters Ma sha Allah. But the problem is since Ive been with her, she never says sorry or apologize for her part in any problem over the 6 years.
To an extent where when i was with her, she chose to go with another guy who wantrd to be with her, she blamed me for it, even when i literally begged her not to do so. But i loved her so much that i just prayed that she would stop eventually, but ended up being blamed for it
Anyway fast forward, my mother in law has been taking care of our kids to help us as we both are working professionals, but the problem is that now they have teamed up to an extent where i have been physically abused, thrown out of my own house, locked out at 2 am because she said her anger wss too much for her to see me. And i end up forgiving her because i dont want our kids to have a broken family
Recently, my mother visited while my mother in law went home to Philippines, my mother had an issue with thr CCTV being installed as she claimed she wanted it for the kids, thing is this was never an issue for her because my mother ws okay with it, until one day she had an argument with me and i was asking hrr to come home and i was angry that she left especially knowing our 2 month baby is feeding, she did this every week on my off days for 3 weeks . My mother was disturbed as there was no privacy even in a house which I pay the rent for.
Now when they went back home, she has been fighting with me snd threatens me with divorce evry time her needs are not met, like she is asking me to not video call my parents n show the kids even if she is not home as it inflicts her with trauma and that she doesn’t care how it sounds but j need to do it and if i dont she will leave.
Im so disturbed by this behavior, she keeps abusing and saying words like ‘ be with your mother’ and belittling me, also when i fight or argue she will put up picture in bikini and says that im the one who trigger her
Recently, inlost my job due to an internal conflict what left me disturbed is she told my mother that she hopes i will get jailed and suffer, to add to all of this, she cant control her anger and blames me for it that i dont know how to handle it, im really lost as i love her immensly but this is like she keeps sayijng stuff about my family like u will suffer snd die and this has been traumatising me , i just wanted some insight , because i cannot go to anyone to discuss this issue as well as indont wana come across as weak
Please can anyone help as to if this is right even if i know the answer from a general point of view
Please help me

Asalamualaikum

My wife and I are both in our early 20s and got married a few months ago. We’re both students and currently live separately because of university.

Our marriage was arranged through our families, although we both had the opportunity to agree or decline.

Initially, I thought everything was going well. We spent time together, were affectionate and seemed happy. However, when university restarted, she became increasingly distant and stopped initiating conversations as much.

After several difficult conversations, she finally opened up about what had actually happened.

She explained that she’d been uncertain about getting married from the beginning. She’s always struggled with saying no and disappointing people, and because both families were happy and arrangements were progressing, she felt increasingly unable to back out.

In the weeks leading up to the wedding, she became very anxious and didn’t want to go ahead. However, she felt it was too late to cancel and went through with it.

She doesn’t blame me personally and acknowledges that nobody intentionally forced her, but she regrets not saying no.

After getting married, she tried to convince herself she was happy. She was affectionate and acted normally because she genuinely wanted things to work. However, she now admits that she was often suppressing her actual feelings.

Over the last several weeks, she’s been experiencing persistent sadness, anxiety, emotional exhaustion and a loss of enjoyment in things. She feels particularly bad when she’s alone because she starts thinking about the marriage. When she’s busy, she can temporarily distract herself.

We’ve now had two very long and honest conversations about everything.

She says I’m a good person, that I haven’t done anything wrong, and that she probably would’ve felt similarly if she’d married somebody else under the same circumstances.

However, she’s also told me some difficult things. She doesn’t genuinely enjoy much of our time together at the moment, and when we’re together, she often suppresses thoughts about wanting to separate. Some of her affection has been motivated by guilt or wanting to make me happy rather than genuinely wanting to be affectionate.

She also doesn’t particularly feel the desire to spend more time with me and can’t identify anything specific about our relationship that could change to make her happier. When she imagines separation, she feels relieved because she thinks the distressing thoughts would finally stop.

We’ve explored whether she’s worried about marital expectations, religion, responsibilities or losing independence, but she says none of those things are the main issue.

She seems unhappy with the marriage itself, although she can’t fully explain why. She’s now leaning strongly towards separation, but she hasn’t made a final decision.

She says she wishes she could be happy in the marriage, but struggles to imagine her feelings changing. A lot of her motivation to keep trying seems to come from not wanting to hurt me or disappoint our families.

She has expressed willingness to try counselling, and I’ve made it clear that she’s free to make whatever decision she genuinely wants.

I love her deeply and would like to give our marriage a chance, but I also don’t want her to feel trapped or pressured into staying. I’m also concerned about her mental health because she’s been persistently low and emotionally exhausted.

I guess I’m wondering whether anyone has experienced something similar, where one partner regretted getting married but their feelings eventually changed.

Like a few questions I thought i’d ask:

Is counselling worth trying in this situation, or would it just prolong something she already knows she doesn’t want?

How do I distinguish between someone struggling emotionally because of how the marriage began and someone who genuinely doesn’t want the relationship?

And at what point do I accept that separation may be the best outcome, even though neither of us has done anything particularly wrong?

I’d especially appreciate advice from people who’ve experienced something similar, whether their marriage worked out or not.

JazakallahKhairan to everyone (AI was used to help write it however al experiences are my own)

Assalamu alaikum. I’m looking for perspective because I have a history of second guessing myself (yay trauma) and I genuinely don’t know anymore what is normal marital conflict versus something much more concerning.

I got married a few months ago (40f to 42m) after a year+ courtship. Before marriage we did islamic premarital course (by Belal Assad) workbooks and had very specific conversations about marriage, finances, opposite-sex boundaries, roles, etc. I went into the marriage believing we were very much on the same page.

Since getting married, I’ve increasingly felt like my husband basically added me onto his existing life rather than building a life with me.

He spends a very large amount of his discretionary time fishing (well every possible moment), staying at his other house a couple hours away, or with family. I have repeatedly tried to explain that I don’t expect him to give up his hobbies or family, but I want to feel like his wife is also someone he actively chooses to spend his free time with. A lot of the time I feel like I’m simply invited to join whatever he already decided he was going to do. We've had this convo many times and he simply doesn't see anything wrong with it and dismisses my feelings. Tries to spin it as positive--look at the fish it's providing (if he even catches anything while being gone from 5am-8p on his days off).

There are also financial issues. Before marriage we specifically agreed to a more traditional arrangement where he would be the provider. Instead, for most of our short marriage (June) I continued paying my own housing and much of my household expenses while he lived with me. His own house became an Airbnb only after we married because he now had somewhere else to live. It has generated significant income for him. He contributed very little financially to my household until recently paid half the rent for Oct after me discussing some financial struggles and my bank card getting declined. When I reminded him of our agreements, he says he had financial goals before we got married. His income in one night on his airbnb would pay my entire one month rent-it's by the ocean on and huge 5 bdrm beautiful home. None of my basic needs are being taken care of by him.

Another issue involves opposite-sex/social media boundaries. Before marriage we had discussed fairly conservative boundaries. After marriage, I became uncomfortable that his Facebook still said single, which he agreed to remove, but his profile appears completely ambiguous about being married and included a lot of female connections. I was not accusing him of cheating. I asked for some changes because it made me uncomfortable and did the same pre-nikah, per our discussions and promptly let him know when I had done it. He's now saying "i dont talk to these women, they are old from ages ago, prob dont know he exists, i never asked you to delete men, etc)"...mind you some of these women post artsy nudes and bikini profile photos. He said he isn't digging and clicking on them. Old coworkers a lot of them. Said he would rather delete FB than put married as his status--ouch. Because he's "private and the evil eye".

What has become much more disturbing to me than Facebook itself is how conflict works between us.

When I tell him something hurts me, he often becomes extremely defensive. The conversation then becomes about my timing, my wording, my emotional reaction, whether I trust him, or why I am making something into such a big deal. I end up defending the fact that I brought it up instead of us ever getting to the original hurt.

We have had several very long conversations where I leave feeling less heard than before. There has been raised voice/anger. Eventually I told him that I was becoming afraid to be emotionally vulnerable with him because I expected anger or defensiveness. When I used the term “emotionally safe,” he became very upset because he interpreted that as me calling him physically abusive.

After one major argument, we barely spoke for several days. He still went away for the weekend as planned. When he returned, there was no real repair. He became physically affectionate, asked how long my “energy” was going to be like this, and we had sex, but emotionally everything still felt completely unresolved. He asked the sheikh about how long to put up with "my energy"!! They are good friends and he is very involved at the masjid/on the board. He's VERY knowledgeable in the deen. That's what attracted me to him. I told him these issues were divorce level for me. He did not take it seriously and expects me to act like nothing is wrong later/next day when we finish an argument. Zero repair. Zero solutions. Zero empathy.

Eventually I hit a breaking point and asked him to stay at his other house...he's there mostly anyways every weekend. I packed his belongings in bags on my covered porch. His clothing that I didn’t want wrinkled was draped over a hamper rather than placed on the ground.

He became extremely angry and said what I had done was humiliating and disrespectful. I can understand that it hurt him and I have acknowledged that. But since then almost all of his focus has been on what I did at my breaking point, rather than what brought our marriage to that point.

I told him I would not resume the marriage as normal without us meeting with a neutral third party.

I found an imam who is also a certified therapist. My husband initially said he needed time to decide whether he was willing to meet with anyone. We then went several days with almost no contact. Eventually he agreed to counseling, but initially said he was comfortable waiting until November, almost a month away, despite knowing we would remain separated in the meantime. I told him the imam could actually make time much sooner. He waited another three days before telling me he booked us for October 23.

So now we have a counseling appointment, but I’m surprised at how emotionally detached I feel. I spent months trying to explain, repair, compromise, be vulnerable. Now that we’re separated, he seems capable of going days without talking to me and was apparently comfortable leaving our marriage in limbo for nearly a month.

The more space I have, the angrier I am becoming about the whole marriage. I feel like he benefited enormously from marrying me: housing, companionship, sex, domestic labor, the ability to turn his own home into a profitable Airbnb, while I continued carrying much of my pre-marriage responsibilities. I’m starting to feel used. He was commuting to work before very long days (2 hrs or so each way, but from my house it's only 15min). Coming home to a home cooked hot meal and a sweet wife who massaged him from his soreness of fishing all weekend. Oh and he took lots of vacation days and time to be gone--fishing.

I also shared a lot about my past and vulnerabilities while we were getting to know each other. In my worst moments now, I wonder whether that made me particularly easy to manipulate. I recognize that I cannot know his intentions when he married me, so I’m trying not to turn that fear into a fact. The only reason I got courage to put his stuff out was my own personal therapist. She said "F HIM" and I've never heard her swear. I've been seeing her for years. I'm deep down proud of myself for doing it. He took a photo of it and was all dramatic.

I’m not asking Reddit to diagnose my husband or automatically tell me to divorce him. I genuinely want perspective:

Does this sound like ordinary early-marriage conflict that has gotten badly out of control, or are the defensiveness, withdrawal, lack of repair, and focus on my reactions genuinely concerning patterns? Is change possible?

For those who have successfully repaired a marriage after reaching this level of resentment and emotional detachment, what did meaningful accountability and repair actually look like?

And Islamically, how much space is reasonable after a marital rupture before “needing space” becomes avoidance of one’s spouse and responsibilities?

Please be fair to both of us. I’m willing to hear where I have handled things badly too. I’m trying very hard to distinguish my own hurt and past trauma from what is objectively happening in my marriage. For context, he was married once about a decade ago for less than six months. I don't know all the details, but I know when he was staying away from her for a couple days she packed up their apartment and mailed everything down to the paper towels back to her family home in another state and filed divorce. I've been married before as well, but my ex was/is a functioning alcoholic--non muslim, I'm a revert.. We co-parented the last 12 years successfully our 18yo college kiddo. Thank you...my heart both hurts and feels like it is hardening :(

Hello all. Looking for some advice from preferably males just to understand the male POV on this, but female advice is always welcome too of course! Two years ago, I discovered that my husband’s ex (from 15 years ago) has messaged my husband on Instagram. I did not see what was in the messages because my husband had deleted the messages. This ex is married and has a child. My husband claims that the messages did not cross any lines and it was simply just from her side a “how are you guys I heard you got a baby congrats” etc. He said he had accepted her follow request a few months prior and had only had a conversation twice, some time right after the follow and the other time is right before I saw her in the “recent” people list on his phone. Of course my reaction was not pretty, as my argument was basically “why would you accept her request in the first place and reply to her message” “why would you delete the message if there was nothing bad in it” etc. He was deeply sorry, felt awful and even swore on the Quran that there was nothing bad. I told him, as a married Muslim woman I would never ever reach out to a man, let alone a married man a decade later to see how he’s doing. He claims it was not even a serious relationship that it was only a 1 month thing and didn’t work out anyway due to his parents finding out and that each one went their separate ways. My husbands relationship and I goes way back and was based on love and being together for several years, so it was not an arranged marriage or anything. Back to the fight, it took me so long to get over it as I never got to see the messages so I was never at peace, i even re-opened the subject a year later because of how much it affected me. I always had the thought what if he’s lying to me not to lose me? What was actually in the messages? And what was her intention? If he cared about me, wouldnt he have ignored her request? He said he deleted it because he didn’t want something pointless that could hurt me lingering around even if it had no meaning. Anyway now it’s been two years, and every time I hear something that triggers me in a movie or something, I feel like I can’t trust him and I always wonder what on earth she actually wanted from him? Other than that we have a good and intimate relationship and he does care about my feelings in general. But I just can’t get over how he opened a door for her if he is happily married and doesn’t want any problems.

So from a male POV, could he have been lying? Or if he was lying, he wouldn’t have cared about my feelings? Do I have the right to still be upset even if I don’t share this with him? Or is this excessive and I am overthinking this? Do I need therapy to get over this? I’m tired of hiding that I’m feeling down and crying randomly.

Thank you so much, everyone, for keeping us in your duas. Alhamdulillah, Allah has blessed us with good news!

Honestly, I think I worried myself too much by reading things on social media. Every other post seemed to talk about complications, struggles, and things that could go wrong. I forgot that everyone’s journey is different and that Allah’s plan is always greater than our fears.

My tips for those who are trying:

1) Track your ovulation using LH strips.
2) Make the most of your fertile window, and after that, leave everything to Allah. Don’t stress too much or overthink things.
3) Make dua like a little child crying in front of their mother. Ask Allah for what you want with all your heart and never lose hope in Him.
4) Do lots of istighfar and try to make it a daily habit, even 5000 times a day if you can. In Surah Nuh (71:10–12), Allah Himself said if you do istigfar I will give you children and wealth.

May Allah bless everyone who’s trying with healthy, righteous children. Ameen 🤲❤️

Salam, I’m not well and I am seeking out help in the community. This is a serious post. I am Black (28F) and my husband Arab (28M), we are both Muslims. We will be married for two (2) years this December and I have been pondering his true intentions since then. I need to know what type of situation I am in (and that I’m not going crazy) from different prospectives. Please don’t sugarcoat anything. I’m a revert five (5) years and he’s born Muslim. From the first day we met each other it has been dysfunctional and sinful. He doesn’t pray and he doesn’t remember when the last time he attended Jumah. Before I met him, I was praying five (5) times a day. Even in the hot summer TX heat while delivering DD orders. I never let where I was and what I was doing get in the way of my salah. While he makes the excuse that his business is too demanding for him to do so ( roadside assistance). Since marrying my husband, I had to retake my shahada because I hadn’t prayed in so long. When I mention to him why he doesn’t lead in the religion for our lives. He responds with “ I will” and “ In Sha Allah”. He will pray only one (1) fard salah same day, then, I never see him pray again after that. He tells me that he cares about my akhirah but he doesn’t lead me to prayer. It’s tiring being the only one in this relationship that cares about dean. When I mention that I want a divorce from him because the religion means a lot to me and it’s a dealbreaker if he doesn’t participate, he tells me no. He won’t agree to divorce AT ALL. I plan to go to school and get a certification so I can live on my own and divorce him, but classes don’t start until January and it’s a 3-6 month course. I could move back with my dad but other people live there that I don’t agree with. No, my husband does not dictate if I pray or not, however, the man is the leader in EVERY romantic relationship and this man has been leading me into the fire since day one (1) and it’s making me miserable . Also to mention, he is an immigrant and trying to submit for a green card but we haven’t yet. What do you think? Do I already have my answer? Is he using me for citizenship? Should I move back with my family, wait to go to school, or go absolutely crazy?
P.S. If you are wondering why I didn’t leave while we were engaged, it’s because he SA’d me when we first met in person, and I created the excuse that it was out of love for me because i am his first romantic partner ( that I’m aware of). I think differently now. And it felt wrong for me to move on from that after being touched like that by him.

My husband and I were together for eight years and separated after experiencing ongoing relationship issues, particularly his inconsistency and unreliability.

Recently, we decided to give our relationship another chance. He promised me that his behaviour would change, and despite being terrified of getting hurt again, I decided to open my heart to him.

Less than a week into dating again, we had plans for dinner at 7:30. I even confirmed our plans that morning. He didn’t contact me all day and only messaged me after our scheduled date to explain why he hadn’t shown up.

This was a recurring issue during our marriage, and experiencing it again so soon completely broke my heart
.
I’ve been going to therapy, doing EMDR, and working on my anxious attachment. Part of me wonders whether I’m being too harsh, but another part of me is exhausted from constantly being disappointed.

I ended things because I couldn’t imagine spending my life wondering whether my partner would show up for me.
Has anyone experienced something similar? Did you regret walking away, or did you eventually realize that love wasn’t enough

It’s over!
I talked to my parents and despite what I thought would happen I was able to move in with them again. They are disappointed but it’s better than being in the streets. They are also supportive of my decision after everything was explained.
I left but he has not made an effort to call or text even to see or talk to our kid. Based on what his siblings are telling me he’s still sleeping until past noon, on his PC all day gaming…

I feel happier. Reading all the comments (esp the good and helpful ones) I was able to see that I was already doing it alone I might as well just save myself my prime years and continue doing it all myself without him.

I hope he makes it easy to leave but I’ve spoken to an imam just in case to see my options. It seems I may be granted a divorce even if he objects due to him not filling his obligations to us.
Allah Kareem.
Inshallah Kheir.

Hi,

For context I’m from Canada, he is from States

My fiance and I are looking to get legally married in a few weeks for the sake of paperwork for immigration however we want to wait till our wedding in May to do the Nikkah as culturally we like to do the nikkah the same time as the wedding. If we did the legal civil paperwork marriage now and the nikkah after, would that work? If an imam agrees to do the legal paperwork first and the Nikkah months later, what exactly would be left to do at the Nikkah. We will not consider ourselves married in the eyes of Islam until May and will act accordingly of course given we are still non mehrams until then. With the legal paperwork being done now we know that doesn’t count as Nikkah so what exactly would happen at the religious nikkah then in May? From what I’ve seen it’s usually a bunch of paper signing which will have been done. Pls any advice would be helpful.

Dr. Anisa has written a whole book on women being left not fully divorced, and there are articles discussing the realities Muslim women face when trying to leave a marriage. Yet I feel like we still don't talk enough about why safeguards like tafwid al-talaq are treated as so controversial.

I want to hear from both women and men on this because I genuinely struggle to understand the resistance to this clause.

I am specifically talking about tafwid al-talaq being included in the nikah contract under circumstances such as abuse, neglect, or a husband taking a second wife. I am not talking about a blanket, unrestricted right to divorce. I am talking about giving a woman a way out in circumstances where the marriage has become harmful to her, particularly in countries like the US, Canada and Australia, where religious divorce can be complicated and a woman may not have access to a religious authority who will adequately represent her interests.

My question is simple: if you have no intention of abusing, neglecting or betraying your wife, why would you object to agreeing in advance that she can leave if you do?

If you genuinely believe in treating your wife with kindness, fulfilling her rights and protecting her wellbeing, wouldn't you want her to have a way out if you failed to do those things?

I understand that divorce is serious and that marriage contracts should not be taken lightly. But this clause is not saying that a woman will necessarily leave. It is saying that if certain serious circumstances arise, she will not be left completely dependent on her husband's willingness to let her go.

And this is where I struggle to understand the taboo.

Why is a woman asking for this protection sometimes treated as though she doesn't trust her future husband, is planning for the marriage to fail or is entering the marriage with bad intentions? Why isn't it equally reasonable for a woman to say, "I hope I never need this, but I want to know I won't be trapped if things go wrong"?

And honestly, when a man refuses this clause, what exactly is he afraid of?

If the answer is that he would never abuse or neglect his wife, then the clause should never need to be exercised. If the concern is that he might take a second wife and his first wife would not want to remain married under those circumstances, why should she not be allowed to make that boundary clear before the marriage?

I am not saying every man who refuses the clause has bad intentions. I want to understand the actual reasoning. Is it a religious concern? Is it fear of losing control over the divorce process? Is it the belief that the husband alone should retain that authority? Is it simply cultural conditioning, or is there a legitimate legal or practical concern that I am overlooking?

I especially want to hear from men who would personally refuse to include it. Please explain your reasoning rather than simply saying that a good marriage shouldn't need such a clause. Unfortunately, marriages can change, and good intentions at the beginning do not guarantee good treatment years later.

And I want to hear from women, too. Would having this clause make you feel safer entering a marriage, particularly if you live in a country where getting a religious divorce can be difficult? Have you ever asked for it and faced resistance?
I feel that we have normalised asking women to trust men completely while treating it as controversial when women ask for a safeguard in return.

Why should a woman have to prove that her marriage has become unbearable before people accept that she deserved an exit route in the first place?

Genuinely open to hearing your thoughts, especially from men who disagree. I want to understand the rationale behind accepting or refusing this clause, not just hear that it is unnecessary because everything will supposedly be fine.

Hi everyone. I'm a 24M & this will be a cop out post because I’m tired.

Two years ago I met someone I seriously considered marrying and before talking to her, I took every step to make sure my family is accepting of her last name in which they were. I also made extra sure with my elder sister about this before taking her seriously and it was word for word consistent with what I had been told. When I got comfortable with the sound of their approval, Her and I talked for a while and when it finally got to the time that i wanted to introduce her to my mom and dad, they both shockingly denied and rejected everything !!

I’ve spent almost the last two years trying to convince my parents almost every week and that this is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with and they unfortunately still remain firm on their stance.

Last month I spoke to her and she decided to step away completely (for my own sake). I feel like every day I continue existing I want to throw up and die. I have not lived the last 2 years of my life. I’ve cut myself and struggle with suicidal thoughts and urges.

I would like to regurgitate that this is all because of her last name and nothing else. They have not met or seen her, and all they know is her name.

Please help me

I don’t dislike him in fact he’s a nice and friendly and genuine guy.

However last time we hosted him at our place a year ago I was about to lead the prayer he put me aside and said I’ll lead. This has stuck with me ever since. This made me think he values authority and leadership above all else and wants to be the most important guy in the room (which I was previously told by my wife and this just proved the point)

Now he was a traveller while I was a resident so that could be why as he wanted to shorten his prayers but still if we’re praying together you pray behind the person who is hosting you. Now he has studied Islam and does have this role of a “shaykh” but that does not give him authority to lead in my own home. He could have suggested to me if he should lead so he can shorten his prayer but doing it without asking and putting me aside… yeah nah that that’s ultimate disrespect.btw there’s genuine fiqh to back this up im not speaking out of thin air.

Besides this I’ve always had pleasant experiences with him whenever we’ve visited him although I’ve never wanted to but have had to go along because of my wife. Now I did have my reservations about praying behind him after that too but I genuinely said to myself no it’s his house there’s no need to let that get into your head. However since then I’m absolutely unsure about hosting him. If I say I don’t want to host him however then my wife would create a bigger drama and call me controlling etc…so not sure how to approach this

Also the bigger problem is with my wife I feel like I don’t get a day where I get to build a genuine connection with her before she shoves a family member in our relationship one way or another. Inviting someone. Oversharing over the phone. Being on the phone too much while kid is crying etc. it’s honestly sad that she doesn’t have another hobby but to call her family for hours on end despite the amount of disrespect her parents have shown her.

Sometimes I’ve genuinely thought about divorce because idk how much interaction I can handle with her family. It always feels like there’s more people in our marriage than just us. Having a son together however and not wanting to lose him is what stops me from it. I knew this behaviour before we had a kid but I brushed it aside as without a kid we had plenty of time together. Now with a kid we get limited quality time and then she uses that to scroll social media or call family. I’m left feeling neglected most days and it’s become a pattern ever since I became a stay at home dad(over the last few months). This is for genuine reasons(she’s a doctor and I get long parental leave) and is a short term plan Insha Allah

I’ve talked about going to therapy with her but she says she doesn’t need it and I’m the problem so I should get therapy for myself if I have to.

Hello, I hope you are doing well.
I recently met this girl that I kinda like and I wanted to know what is the appropriate way to approach her religiously.
Weve been talking on insta but haven’t really met yet for a ´coffee or date’. I’m a bit hesitant because dating (if im not wrong) is not the right way to do it.
I also want to know what I should know and ask about her beliefs as I’m religious. I’m not perfect but I’m trying to do my best.
So i just wanna know from those who have gone through this, what I should ask and know about her religious side and if you could give me some tips.
Thank you for your help in advance. God bless 🙏.

I feel ‘big sad’ due to:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/s/isPBUpBZJN

How about you? May Allah give us all Aafiyah

Context: He married one woman but did not consummate the marriage. After four months, he married another woman with whom he had been in a relationship for over a year. When his wife became pregnant, she demanded he leave the other woman or she would leave him. He refused, and his wife left.

Does islam talk about consent at every stage of marriage prospect? Like also at the beginning when you have to invite the boys family for initial screening or just the very end to just say yes or no?

In our pakistani culture parents often invite the families even when their daughters aren’t allowing it and say that ‘we aren’t marrying you right away let them at least come’. And then the only consent they accept even if reluctantly is the final yes or no from their daughters. Which i think is such a waste of time and energy like after the initial screening of visiting both homes and putting efforts in investigation and all your daughter ends up saying NO then whats the point of all? Why dont simply listen to her in the very first point?

Long post ahead,but what happened with me is I believe happens rarely,1 year ago I got a really good match,literally everything we were looking for and for them everything they were looking for,we all were happy and excited especially my parents,my ex husband's father was so sweet and he told that they don't want anything from us,literally nothing we just want your daughter as ours, my father who I thought waz really intelligent(he is but not in this matter) He was happy,On the other hand I was so insecure of myself ,I was dealing with massive hairloss,weightgain,lot of acne....Idk what happened I am perfectly healthy ,all tests came normal,doctor said I am fine

I was so insecure at the point that I stopped meeting people

All my life I was the beautiful one,everywhere I went I used to get marriage proposals,everyone said I am very pretty,I had guys approaching me(I used to be cautious about this,also I am strict about hijab and rarely talked to na mahrams)

But when it was my marriageable age that's when everything got wrong,I got huge cystic acne on my face which used to horrify me,I used to cry some nights,It wasn't regular acne but what dermatologist state as GRADE 4 ACNE

it effected me so much that I decided not to get married until it's gone and It was almost 5 years and the acne never went away...I tried a lot of things

Amidst of this(also family issues,like my father was dealing with a big financial loss) I got a proposal everything looked good,they were also cooperating and everything went so smoothly,The inquiries,family talks,they presented every proofs,talked very sweetly and said we don't want anything from you.Biggest mistake I did was I never talked to him before marriage, my parents married the same way and Alhamdulillah they are very happy couple,so yeah I was being silly doing the same.

A month later marriage happened but I was staying at my home after marriage (he went back to Usa where he was earlier, this wasn't an issue as he had a PR so I could easily go to him in few weeks)and I was really happy ,before he went back to Usa we talked for 2 days I told him lets go somewhere out like a garden or just long drive maybe...but be ignored me saying he doesn't have time and wants to move back usa asap then we'll go somewhere in usa after you come here

I was a little upset but I thought maybe he has to pack a lot so I said it's ok,atleast come to house before going back to US,He did came but he wasn't talking that much I was the one talking and talking and I asked let's take a selfie he was hesitant like yeah and was taking selfie from afar and I told him to come near me,It was a weird selfie but okay

Overall after this meeting I felt so drained,he wasn't even looking at me,It felt like I was the man.

And I literally felt like he is a 5 year old boy that I am talking to.I did feel something in my gut but I ignored.

He did showed me when He reached the US,sent me.a video of his locality there,I was happy

We started having calls regularly and in starting it was good we were sharing everything about us,I generally enjoy talking to people,so it was like a friendship developing.Few days later after we knew about each other a lot more but not everything so now things were taking turn he used to say same things everytime,sent me islamic vides everyday and asked if I watched 👀

And it felt like I married a mufti,but it's okay it wasn't a bad thing but most of the videos were on responsibility of a wife om husband,a husband should ne treated really well,how a women didn't left after her husband was terminally ill,etc

He used to talk about sad things many times,I felt like a person who is following the right islam is supposed to be really boring?but I am also a practicing muslim Alhamdulillah but I do enjoy life in halal ways.He was someone who doesn't really joke or he said he is hesitant to talk but he sent me a video that a man can marry again,it's his right,and 1st wife can also find him a good girl but most women of this era doesn't have such big heart,I asked him what's this? And he replied does it really happen what this video says?I said Idk it's what many men wish for,and he said he was joking.i ignored this but it was bothering me

I was happy when this marriage was fixed and I even asked my mom on my wedding day when my acne was visible that "They don't have a problem that I have so much acne,they are good people aren't they?"my mom replied yes but you still have pretty features why they would say no

But after marriage he never said anything or did anything that made me feel even a little prettier, he used to say things like real pretty girls are in russia.(I was confused why he would say this as once his cousin told me that he wasn't finding any girl pretty in marriage search but after seeing just your photo he said yes)They were the one who convinced my parents to do wedding so quickly (but I take the blame too for agreeing)

So later things were going worst and I was the 1st to recognize it,he started telling me to do niqab,wear gloves,I used to ask him for videos calls he used to ignore me(I also believe I he was also super insecure about his flaws,he always said things like I was really fair but got sun tan,all the guys here aren't good looking,I am tallest in my office,5'8,etc)I was getting anxious everyday

I told him I don't feel anything for him and don't wanna ruin our lifes further,he agreed,tried to convince me first that I have never done wrong to you,I am healthy physically and mentally, what's wrong,etc...I said we rushed and I don't feel physically attracted to him and I don't want to do i justice to you in future but not giving the rights of a husband to you....I said if he wants to move forward we can let's try (I was considering not taking divorce only because he is a good man in other ways,he never said bad words to me,didn't cheated,was talking about future plans like moving somewhere,didn't really do anything that would lead to divorce normally)but It was me who chosed him as my husband when I was so insecure ans lowest at my life that someone accepting me was amazing and later my heart,even my body gave up(I was having panic attacks after I did isthekhara and decided to stay with him) He too said he doesn't want to be with someone who isn't attracted to him

It lead to divorce,I feel so sorry for myself and him.

Salam everyone,

My husband and I have been married for 5 years and 4 months ago, I came to my parents home with our baby after severe marital concerns. I have remained here since while attempting to actively pursue Islamic mediation and reconciliation. 

It took a month for me to convince my husband to attend mediation. We only had one session and he immediately started saying he wanted to involve his family or friends as mediators. None of them are "qualified" and none would be unbiased as they obviously are from his side. I continued requesting neutral mediation.

4 months and I also offered him many times to visit or video call our baby. Which he declined and was adamant on taking our baby or "picking baby up" and only returning if our baby was uncomfortable. Our baby is still breastfed, including throughout the night. I was concerned about agreeing to pickups without clear arrangements for feeding, care, or return times, particularly given our child's age and dependence on breastfeeding. And there were some unstable behaviors I witnessed that I didn't feel this was the right step. Instead, I consistently encouraged him to visit. And I gave him daily updates. Though he never would ask.

He was angry that I did not obey him and I left without his permission. Majority of my marriage was focused on being obedient and submissive and accepting his authority. Though he never provided for me.

For 4 months he did not see our child. Saying he was uncomfortable and "unsafe". He also traveled abroad for over a month while continuing to say my family is "dangerous". My child has been thriving and hitting his milestones perfectly, Alhamdulillah. I am incredibly grateful to Allah for that.

Over two months ago, my husband sent me a drafted separation agreement through his lawyer while privately messaging me not to hire a lawyer suggesting that involving lawyers would be harmful to our child. I hired one thankfully. 

Now that lawyers are involved and my husband is back in the country. He has been accepting visits and asking for video calls. He is also still asking for pick ups and due to the long absence, our child is having difficulty recognizing him and is constantly seeking me for comfort. There was a comment by his mother when she saw how attached my baby was to me, she said something like how my child "became" attached to me like he didn't have any other option. As though I did not carry him for 9 months and spent every day and night looking after him since he was born. As though I wasn't his mother.

Husband is also now aggressively pushing for reconciliation. He spoke to my father and said he is ready to apologize sincerely and make whatever changes I need. 

Simultaneously his mother is sending some extremely troubling AI instagram videos about divorce, parental alienation, breaking a marriage, how divorced women don't have a home and are considered burdens by their own families and more in a broad family chat where his uncles, aunts, cousins, their wives are present. I am lightly explaining these videos but they are extremely vile and cruel and constantly paint the woman as a villian. And they have been causing significant distress for me. His friend's wife and cousins have also messaged me directly before as though I initiated separation and as though I have been blocking him from his child. I didn't wish to ruin my mental health by replying to them so I've chosen to ignore. All of these people who have been sending these reels or videos are all mothers themselves. Husband is also aware of these messages, especially the ones his mother is sending as he is in the chat too. He continues to remain silent.

Husband has done some damaging things that caused me to leave for my own and my child's wellbeing. His whole family continue to target me and run a smear campaign. How can I recover from this and the amount of guilt and shame I am experiencing. 

I have continously been blamed throughout my marriage. And even after. Some days are extremely hard as the messages I receive are basically telling me I am destroying my son's life and future. When not realizing that I left for my son's well-being. Otherwise I would've left ages ago before he was even conceived.

My "husband" controlled my finances, all the money I earned, he even loaned them to his family members without my permission. Expected me to be obedient and submissive towards him. When I asked to spend a week or two at my parents home to recover from c-section so I could get my mother's support, he said I could not take my baby with me and he would feed him donated breastmilk from the hospital. And that I was selfish to focus on myself. After I went through 30 hours of labor and an emergency C-section. He also continued to work full time when I asked him to take leave that I shared with him for our newborn (parental). He took it later after our "separation" when he used it to travel abroad. While not seeing his son for over a month but claiming he was the mother and the father in mediation. He also recorded private therapy sessions of mine which he booked himself. Along with my conversations with my family. Wrote and pressured me to sign obedience agreements. Threatened separation postpartum any time I asked to go to my parents to stay over. Threatened to take my son from me and told me to enjoy the time I have with him while it lasts. Would hit his head against the wall and see my and child's reaction. Wrapped a charging cord around his neck and gauged our infant child's reaction. There have been significant other issues as well.

Only a month or so ago, his behavior changed. I am extremely disturbed. And the constant blame that is placed on me still exists and its only making me more suffocated. I don't know how to escape him and his people. I want to protect my son, first and foremost. And frankly, I understand divorce will place my son in a difficult position. So here I am, asking you all for some clarity.

My husband also keeps asking me to bring our son to him so he can spend time with him in between his meetings. I do not feel comfortable returning to that "home". Because just a month ago, when he and his family was still abroad, i went to get my clothes and essentials and my son's essentials, I was labeled a tresspasser and a potential thief. He sent his friends to review the items I was taking. His friends, one married, attempted to unlock the door on their own and said they did "house-sitting" and played board games. In MY house. Where all my and my son's belongings remained. Including my documents and jewelry. And there I was, being labeled a trespasser by him and his father because his father "owned" the apartment.

And he is asking me now why I do not want to come. I am sick and tired of these mindgames. And especially how everything is being twisted in a way where I am still being blamed. He wants reconciliation but for what? What will I be returning to? When intimate and personal things of my marriage have been shared to his whole family, extended and extended-extended and all. Where he also shared these thingd with my sister’s father in law and my family friends. How can he act like things are normal?

I hate asking this question because I pray no one faces these kinds of situations but have any of you experienced this? What helped you recover and heal? How did you protect yourself and your children? I think I know what needs to be done however the sheer amount of guilt, self doubt and blame I am being directed makes it infinitely more difficult. Any step I take to stand up or protect myself is the focus instead of what led me to take it.

I feel like I am being slowly poisoned. I would give my life for my child. I am being painted as an abuser who is abusing both my child and his father by keeping them apart. My role as a mother has also been completely erased and I am dumbfounded. I feel all kinds of alarms go off but struggle to properly escape. I have lost myself completely.

Any advice would truly be appreciated. JazakAllah for reading.

Assalamu alaikum I'm mainly looking for sisters input as what I'm about to describe is mainly female related.

When Me and my husband got married we just held a small nikkah. I had no wali (as I'm a revert) so the imam acted on my behalf and the only two witnesses were random Muslims the imam knew because my husband is also a revert and didn't know anyone who could come. We didn't announce it to anyone or have a Walimah or dinner or even a public announcement. Just a quiet nikkah and then hung out alone.

I wore an all black abaya with black pants, socks, niqab, and burkah as I was very nervous and didn't want to stress myself with an outfit I'd wear for only 15 minutes.

Me and my husband both agreed upon this arrangement as we had nobody to invite to a ceremony if we held one and we/he were very low on money anyways. That is still the case and I am not planning on trying to get a Walimah or celebration anytime soon.

However I am kinda sad that I willingly gave up the only moment in my entire life that I will ever get to dress up for an occasion, dance and sing with islamic sisters (without music or only with a duff), and share the joy of my marriage with family and friends. I feel like I've missed out on the only social milestone where I can feel honored, seen, and focused on. Like the one moment I dreamed of all my life was just me in all black covered to the gills seen and heard by nobody but my (Now) husband.

I see women getting married all the time and their weddings aren't always big but they at least had something. A ceremony with family, a wedding, a dinner, at the very least a chance and a reason and an excuse to dress up and feel pretty for once in her life.

I don't regret my choice to sacrifice said moment because I married for Deen and Allah not for a ceremony or a dress. But it still makes me sad sometimes when I see people talk about their ceremonies knowing I never got my one chance to be seen or appreciated or supported by other women in such a fashion and I likely never will.

Can anyone relate to this experience/emotions and/or share words of encouragement and understanding?

(Sorry for the post being long)